Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My family is forcing me to marry my first cousin

Forced marriage poster for people in the UK

Assalam o alikum, I am 23, female, graduated, I want to discuss an issue which is different from the rest, so since I was born my cousin's mother, I mean my auntie (my father's brothers wife) made a decision to make me her daughter in law. As I was growing up she tried to make my mind for her son, she told everyone in my family that I am already taken for her son. At first I took this matter non seriously, I thought that I will see this with time. My cousin is a sensible person, but the only problem is we are not compatible for each other, our thoughts, ideas and professions are different. My cousin is not much interested in me. But his mother wants us to see as a couple without caring that what I want. My parents first forced me but now they are with me. But my auntie (cousin's mother) is not ready to accept my decision. She is trying her best even she is bothering us now. My parents now remain worried everytime because she is forcing us too much. She says that she pray to Allah to get me and she loves me. She knows very well that I don't want to marry her son but she is still forcing me, claiming that she loves me alot. Now what should I do, what do you think she really loves me? She cries every time and tells eveyone that she wants me,and requests everyone to persuade me to marry her son but her son I mean my cousin doesn't want to marry me without my will,she is so obsessed with this relation, She doesn't care about what I want. What should we do now, my family is so worried, she is not leaving this matter on Allah. Do you think she is right?

Naimnum

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7 Responses »

  1. Both of you need to consent and force marriage is not in Islam. But treat you mum well and explain nicely

  2. Well if she loves you so much tell her that if you love me you need to be happy with what I decide from my life. She can come by more often to see you or help take care of your kids that you will have with some other guy but she shouldn't push her wish on you. You're not cattle or property where she can just say, I pick that one, and expect you to do what she wants. She can pray and wish it but it doesn't seem like you're interested. Marry whom you want and with whom you can fulfill a marriage with.

  3. "No. I don't want to marry your son." End of story.

    It's important to be respectful to our elders, but it is also important for senior family members to be respectful of younger family members.

    Your aunt/cousin can not make you marry her son. She is not in charge of you or your parents. She is behaving very badly and someone needs to have a serious talk with her. It seems you might be the one who has to have that talk.

    We worship and obey Allah, not meddlesome aunties who are disrespectful of our rights, decisions and choices.

  4. Exactly how does someone force an adult to marry someone. Is your aunt/cousin going to kidnap you, duct tape you and have a nikah with your mouth gagged? Keep saying "I don't want to marry him" aloud, in the presence of others, to your parents, other family members, to the man who is being forced on you. None of this is remotely Islamic so it is very confusing to me.

    • Sis umm Hussain

      Your advice is good but the way you speak regarding forced marriages is dismissive and offensive to people who have been victims of it.

      Just to clarify, a forced marriage can be where a person's wishes are completely disregarded and a marriage takes place. Often the family put an enormous amount of pressure and use emotional blackmail to get them to agree to a marriage they are not happy with. In the end they are worn down and do not feel they have a choice but to go along with proceedings. Forced marriages have always happened, even at the time of the Prophet saws.

      The OP is being hounded by her aunt to marry her cousin. It is grinding her down and she fears her parents may give in to pressure from this woman. She needs helpful sympathetic advice, not unhelpful remarks.

      Keep well sis

  5. Run for the hills sister. This will be disastrous for your future life.

    It seems like you're from the Indian sub-continent and such stories are very common. They do not end nicely most of times.

    First of all , you are marrying a man, not his mother. So what she says or not does NOT matter while deciding!

    If you and your cousin are incompatible and you both disagree to marriage then tell him to deal with his mother!! She is not your responsibility!

    Second thing that really raises the red flag is that you are only 23! Unfortunately this is a common thing in the sub continent. Many women prefer naive wives for their son so someone who is most probably young. It makes it easy for them to be moulded according to their own outdated/self sacrificing/wives-are-maids culture. This only causes damage to the mental health of young women spelling disaster for the marriage!

    I'm not saying your aunt is exactly like that but the emotional torture and pressure and the absolute invalidation of your choice points towards that. I've known a few mothers go as far as emotionally manipulate their sons into ignoring their wives. So its possible your cousin might even agree.

    Do you really want to have a mother in law that shoots down your opinions and choices? Especially on such a HUGE matter like choosing a spouse?? I've know people living through hell, marriages on verge of divorce and other such family problems, all due to inconsiderate in laws

    Its a good thing your parents are by your side. Be firm and refuse her until she accepts it.

  6. i'm in a similar situation as you. my mother has endured a lot of pain and has sacrificed a lot in her life for myself. ever since i was around 15-16 years old, she would continuously tell me how she wanted me to marry my cousin who lives in france. his mother also EXTREMELY wants me to marry her son. although they are good people, i cannot see myself married to my cousin especially if they're not born in england and are instead born & raised in france. my mum's tried to persuade me into getting married to him as she loves him very dearly and my aunt loves me very dearly too. but me & my cousin are literally two DIFFERENT people. we don't match in any way. he most likely wants a traditional wife, i am not the traditional type. i've refused many times but she always brings up how everyone in my family loves me because i'm "good" and they all want me to marry my cousin?? she always brings up how she has endured a lot of pain for me & sacrificed a lot of things for me. i've told her many times, just because other people want me to marry him, doesn't automatically mean that i will want to marry him?? their opinion is completely irrelevant bc at the end of the day, I AM GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT. i want a spouse that i can speak to, that i can literally communicate with. my cousin's not a bad guy but we're completely different and certainly not compatable at all. although my mum isn't forcing me to marry him, she still says how she'd be upset if i didn't marry him and that it's the only thing she asks of me and the least i could do for her. but why does she not understand that this is a big decision and not something that i'll accept. if i've been refusing to do so for so many years, what makes her think i'll suddenly accept this?? moreover, my aunt is literally praying for me to one day accept this marriage proposal and marry him but inshallah i'll never end up marrying him. why is she praying for me to accept something i've already said i'll never accept? she's a good person but now i feel as though everyone just wants ME to make THEM happy instead of myself. help.

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