My parents won’t accept his proposal for being from a different country
Salam,
It depresses me to talk about this but I am in desperate need of advice.
I have asked Allah (swt) many times to send me a pious man to marry, and I have fallen deeply for a very pious and generous man but my family is very cultural and I know will not accept him because we are of different nationalities( though we are both arab).
I previously had another religious suitor come to me who was shia' and my family denied him soley because of that, though they know sunni-shia marriages are allowed and his beliefs are the same as mine. My family will not accept anyone who is not of their country even if they are religious. Me and the first man I have explained have talked about deen through emails and he has helped me greatly increase my iman alhamdulillah, but when my mother found out we still talked she was very upset even though it was about deen and the only reason she was upset was because he is not of my nationality. We have now stopped talking for the sake of Allah (swt) and he has promised me to come back and ask for my hand in marriage when he finishes school but we both fear they will not accept him not only because we talked after they forbade it even though we have stopped now, but also because he is not of the same country which I find to be unfair to me because I have learned so much from him and would be very happy as his wife.
I have read emails somewhat similar to this on your website but I feel this situation is different because I am a woman and the other emails were from men.
I would love to have my parents blessing but it would crush me if they do not approve and they do not know it I am going through a deep depression because of his absence and my inability to talk of deen with him. I don´t want to go against my parents blessing but again, I am already depressed and he has not yet come for me, I am not sure if we will be able to bare losing each other for a reason like this. I have explained to my mother many times how I am not concerned with someones´ country, only deen and if they fear Allah (swt) but she has said she will find me a person from our country. I recall reading something that said " Ila ab3ad A7san" ( the farther the better) in regards to marriage so deen can spread but my mother finds an excuse for it. I do not know what to do anymore and I am in great need of help.
By the way, I want to make it clear that we are NOT " boyfriend and girlfriend"
May the blessings of Allah (swt) be upon you for your help.
Wa Salam
nmq
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Walaykumsalaam NMQ
Another case of heartbreak due to culture being giving priority over deen. This topic is a recurring one, also draining, frustrating and infuriating.
If the brother is pious, of good character and will work with you to build a good strong Islamic home and family, then there is nothing wrong with you wanting him as a husband. At the same time, it is also understandable and good that you want your parents to give you their true blessings.
- Ask this man to come to your house and speak to your parents, whether he is invited or not. His persistence may show them his sincere devotion to you. They may not give him a welcoming reception though, so this will be a test of patience and character for the prospective brother. InshaAllah if he is truly resilient, mature and has good manners, he will be able to deal with your parents.
- Speak to an Imam and ask him to advise your parents.
***
If you pursue this path, you will no doubt experience some difficulties at home, you may even feel like pulling your hair out and wonder if what you're doing is worth it. When this happens, don't talk to people, just talk to Allah. Talking to too many people will only confuse you and encourage waswasah/whispers of Shaytaan.
Your parents will eventually come around to the idea. And if they do not, you are still not doing anything wrong by marrying a good Muslim man. You do need your father's permission to marry though as he is your wali. InshaAllah, your persistence, your patience, your faith in Allah, the persistence of the brother and an intelligent Imam advising from Quran and Sunnah will help your parents to accept this proposal.
Alhumdulillah, your relationship has remained pure. Keep it this way, your sabr and piety will go in your favour insha'Allah.
Best Wishes
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I'm going through the same situation. Your parents seem to think it's just a stupid crush that will pass away, while the fact that you can't be with him is emotionally scarring. The worst thing is they're doing it for your 'own good' and they pretend to ignore the fact that you're silently wasting. Also, you should let your parents know that a person's Social standing etc is not necessarily important. Yusuf (peace be upon him) was just a slave when he met zulaikha, but they ended up being married, and the story between these two is mentioned in he Quran. The two couldn't get married because yusuf (pbuh) happened to be zulaikha's slave appointed to her by her husband the ghazi, but Allah helped them in the end. It's kind of funny that the qura'n has its own version of Romeo And Juliet (and other unfortunate people who happen to fall under the idiom of starcross'd lovers) way before Shakespeare. I guess it's there to placate those people who go through the same situation
'I.A.N',
There is no mention in the Quran that Yusuf(as) married Zulaikha.
This is one of many stories which has no foundation. We should avoid speculating about the Prophets as the Quran tells us all we 'need to know' about them. Please verify before associating 'made up' stories to the Quran.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam
I didn't mention anywhere that the fact they married is in the Quran. I assume it comes from Hadith, however the STORY of what occurred between them is mentioned in the Quran, unless I really need to doubt my memory. I'm sorry for any inaccuracies I might have posted. ;(
Assalamu Aleikum NMQ,
I have changed my mind in the meantime. Theoretically, religion should be of the utmost importance.
But practically, parents and societies oppose it. I want to tell you go and fight for this relationship, but
even if the parents approve of it in the beginning, and you seek the help of an Imaam and it
works out very well, have you ever thought of the repercussions and problems of a cultural marriage?
I think I understand why so many reverts have a problem finding a husband. You have to ask
yourself: Does he preserve family ties the way I do? Is he familiar with my culture? Is he
able to understand the lifestyle? Can he deal with my community? If parents oppose a relationship,
this can be the beginning of hell. This can be a nightmare. Believe me, I know what I'm talking
about and it is only getting worse. When you have children, then they have parents from two different
cultures. Your parents and his parents will be grandparents of your kids. How will they be raised? In
which community? Sister, if your parents aren't happy with it and you fight for it, then you have to
know what you want. Fighting for him means defending him even when your parents attack him
on his cultural habits, his looks, upbringing of kids, just everything. They will always be against him
and have problems with his ethnicity. Don't let that happen. He will always be the odd-one out.
That's why he's going to need your support. Don't be a coward like my husband. If you sincerely
want him, you must be able to defend him and be strong enough to speak out for him in your community.
If you aren't strong enough for this, then you should marry someone of your own culture.
hay! marry to the person, you love. you are muslim not hindu that without father's kaniya daan you can't mary. its hard to find good guys these days, and now ppl are talking about cast. when Allah doesn't forbid you, whats the problem with your parents.