Non muslim girl with a muslim boy
I met an amazing guy over a year and a half ago. For the first 6 months we were just friends. We were living in different countries. He knew I really admired him but I didn't know he felt the same. He came to the country I was living in for a holiday to tell me how he felt and we became a couple. He is a muslim and I am a non-practicing christian.
The first 6 months of our relationship was spent apart. We spoke alot about religion and how he was slowly getting back in touch with Islam after 28 years of rebelling against it. He also told me that there was never a need for me to convert to Islam. If we were to ever get married, as long as I supported him and allowed the children to is muslim, then it was not a problem for me being non-muslim.
After 6 month, he sold everything he had, left a really good job and moved to the country that I was working in. After several months of trying to get work however we realised that he could not work in this country and I eventually (after 6 months of applying) finally got a job in his home country so we packed up everything and returned to where he lives.
Before moving back to his home country, he was so happy. He was thoughtful of me and we talked a lot and laughed a lot. When his cousin came to visit us she was shocked to see how happy he was. She was shocked because all she ever saw of her cousin (my boyfriend) before this was a sullen, extremely shy boy who wouldn't speak to his family or interact with them. (apparently he became like this when his father died when he was 13). I had never experienced this withdrawn character before.
But moving back to his home country, problems started. First he told me that he'd been mistaken and that I do have to convert to Islam. Then he changed his story again and said that he was always praying for a good muslim woman and he wouldn't accept anyone who wasn't a muslim. eg he wasn't accepting the fact that I'd only have to change because of Islamic Law but because he purely wanted someone that was muslim.
He told me that he would eventually want to stop having sex with me and said that he'd like to stop it when we got engaged. I said that I was happy to do this if it was important to him but a month after that conversation he really started drawing away from me. He wouldn't let me go near him but he wouldn't tell me why. He just started ignoring me. I was distraught because I had only recently moved, knew no one in the town and had no where to go when we were fighting. I thought that he hated me and was repulsed by me. After about a month of me crying myself to sleep every night, he finally told me that he still wanted to be with me but he wanted to stop having sex now. I asked him why he didn't just tell me straight away. Why didn't he say "look I want to stop having sex sooner than I had originally told you, I want to stop... tomorrow!' Just so I knew what was going on in his head.
I have been going to religion class and learning about Islam. My family is going to have mixed reactions, I think they will be quite upset not because I am choosing Islam but because I am choosing religion. My father always steered me away from it because it divides people and causes war and religion as it is practiced today seems very hypocrital. Besides that, my partner has been withdrawing from me. Going back to his original way that his cousin described to me. He won't talk to his family and he makes me feel like 3 year old trying to get some attention.
I want my old boyfriend back. I've asked him how much pressure he is getting from his family about me but he says none. (I know it's a lie). His cousin told me exactly what family members have been saying to him. I tell him he can't go on in life shutting people out. His mother yearns for him and I miss having fun with him. His cousin is sure that if he left his homecountry again he would go back to the way he was and that he'd drop all the demands of me.
All in all, I can't help feeling a bit bitter. I get told one thing then he acts a totally different way without explaining anything to me, I have left a good job for a terrible one to be with him but when I come home I get no happiness from being with him, we have spent so much money moving countries, living off 1 pay etc. We have made such massive sacrifices so I can't manage to walk away from it.
Everyone I speak to thinks I'm mad for considering converting especially when I am being treated less than desirable. I have tried to talk to him about it but his eyes just glaze over and he somehow changes the topic. I feel I have given up so much but he won't even acknowledge how I feel or what I have done to keep this relationship alive. When I tell him I'm leaving he begs me not to.
So confused.
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Salaam,
First of all, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I understand that this must be very hard on you.
However, it is probably hard on your boyfriend too. The way I understand, he loves you, but wants to marry a muslim woman (for cultural reasons, or because you are a "non-practicing" christian). Also, his family is probably putting pressure on him because you are non-muslim, from a different country, and also because your boyfriend shouldn't be having relationships before marriage.
Another issue is that you are having sex (or just stopped). This is considered zina and is a huge sin. So maybe he has been acting odd because he is mad at himself for this.
Also, if you are considering converting to islam for him, stop and think. If your relationship with this man ends, will your religiousness end as well? If so, he probably won't accept you even when you convert, because you won't be as religious as other muslim women. So if you want to convert, convert for Allah, not your boyfriend. I suggest that you do some more research about the religion and insha'allah Allah will guide you.
Islam is not a religion. It is a complete way of life. To be a Muslim means to submit to the will of God - our/your only Creator. And when we submit to our Creator, He becomes the focus of our lives, not our desires. Its quite simple.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaamu alaikum (peace be with you) sister,
Firstly my condolences for the difficulties you are going through..I pray that your confusion and pain is replaced with guidance and comfort by the Lord of the universe.
Sister I can only assume certain things from reading your post...so forgive me if something I say sounds really offtrack and you know for sure that is not how it is but this is what I conclude about what is going through your boyfriend's head (most likely) from what you have narrated above:
It seems like he had always, like any other average Muslim man does, dreamt that his future wife would be the 'good muslim woman'. Then however he met you and unintentionally you two fell in love with each other. Then because of his feelings for you, he came round the idea of Islam allowing Muslim men to marry "people of the book" (that is Jewish/Christian woman) which is true as they are permitted. However, now that you are both living in his country (which sounds like its a muslim place?) ..but even if its not...due to his family, relatives and friends being around who are Muslim of course, he has realised that its going to be more difficult to live with a Non muslim due to which he wants you to ideally be the "good muslim wife" he had initially thought he'd have and who his family would accept happily.
He still has feelings for you but he is torn between his religion, obligation towards his family and keeping them happy AND his love for you.
The reason for him denying you sex is because it is a GRAVE sin in Islam to have sex before marriage. From the way you have spoken of the issue, it seems like you are not aware of this maybe? It is deemed something very unacceptable amongst muslim communities and even if done, it is kept hidden so maybe now that he has gone back , he is also trying to avoid it because its less appropiate to sleep with you with muslims/family around. However to be honest with you, I think even that wouldnt stop a man from fornication (referred to as ZINA in Islaam).
The fact that he is being so strong is something so great and rewarding and goes to show that he is perhaps if anything REGRETFUL and deep down knows what he was doing was wrong and wants to stop it before marriage at some point. Maybe if you were to confront him and ask him he may admit it.
Being a Muslim he must have known how sinful it is yet he fell weak to his desires and had relationship with you to the extent that it was sexual. Now he is trying to make it "as halaal as possible" basically by not sleeping with you until you are not married.
You should be happy that he is at least being a true Muslim as that is an attribute of a muslim..A muslim is not to have premarital sex as I mentioned.
Do not take it personally as it really doesnt sound like its because of you..if it was it would have been for the wrong reasons frankly speaking. It sounds like he is doing it for the right reaons which is to uphold his status as a true Muslim and make things Halaal (permissible).
Sister I recommend and invite you to study Islam, not for your boyfriend but for yourself. The whole concept of boyfriend girlfriend is not recognised/acceptable in Islam anyway lol...Your boyfriend is definitely aware of that and is in a dilemma now because of his own sins.
No one should convert because of someone else...it should be because of the ideology/religion and the values n principles it holds...
Study Islam through the QURAN, the literal word of Allah and through the life of prophet Muhammad...Not through what the media portrays as Islam. Make sure you get ur information from authentic sources, and nothing could be more authentic than the Quran itself, the literal word of Allah. To further explain it for you, you can always approach Islamic scholars or a Muslim you know who is educated in his/her religion. If you need help with that, i can even help you get in touch with Muslim Scholars who will happily answer any questions/problems/queries you have about Islam and to clear up any misunderstandings regarding this beautiful way of life. 🙂
The money, time, jobs etc, all the other sacrifices are frankly not good enough a reason when compared to religion, with regards to them being a reason for you two to be together. More important than all that is to have the same values in life and thankfully, your boyfriend is deep down imbedded into his faith, and it looks like for you two to have a long future ahead without problems, you need to share those values.
Having said that, you are not to become a muslim for him for if u were to do so, as was pointed to you by young_muslimah, if for one reason or another he is no longer in your life (as painful as it may sound), would you then leave Islam??
See it as an opportunity put forward for you to have a look at this beautiful way of life - Islam- and judge for yourself whether you want to be a part of it. 🙂
I pray that Allah the almighty guides you towards his light and makes things easier for you, Ameen.
Was salaamu alaikum
That's actually really sad in many way. One the hypocrisy, two the deceiptive character he is displaying and three.....it just sucks!!
Firstly, understand something about Islam; it's a way of life. It's not a sunday afternoon event, it's not a lum-de-dum social meeting, it is a WAY OF LIFE. A full complete religion that requires one to be dedicated and commited and submit to its way. It's a beautiful way of life, simple,balanced and uplifting. However, you cannot embrace such a life with the mere fact that your 'boyfriend', who is having illegal sexual relations with you is pressuring you to do. Your boyfriend is committing a very, very serious offense in Islam. So maybe he's pushing you away sexually because his conscience is talking to him. As for the other stuff, as his cousin said it's social/family pressure, 'keeping up with the Smiths" or whatever it is. Point being both sides you have seen of him, he is not being true to his nature; or maybe he is.... it just as rocky as the Alpes.
Do yourself a favor and walk away. If you are serious about Islam then persue it with or without him. Because if you become a Muslim for his sake, you'd have the same hypocritical mentality. As for scarifices put it down as life experience. We all have to scarifice somewhere in life. It's upto us to decide whether it's worth the risk, scarifice never comes with guarantees though often it does come with expectation. Muslim or not Muslim... know that every avenue that life brings you there are lessons and meanings to be learned. Think hard about your life and what it is you are truly chasing!
May God guide you to the truth!!