Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Past struggles of a love, complicated marriage and visions


I would like someone to help me and regarding a dream I keep remembering. Before I explain my dream, I would like to give some background information.

When I was at Uni (Australia) in 2002, I met an international student from Kenya who was from an Indian decent. He was Sikh and it was the first time I ever heard of the religion. We were taking the same unit, after a year and with much disappointment trying to find a good Muslim man, I found myself falling for my best friend. Little did I know he liked me from day one. Something powerful just kept drawing us together. As I am a Muslim, I made it clear that I can only marry the Islamic way and he needs to be Muslim. In the 4 years we were at uni he respected my privacy in not making others aware of our bond. He did anything to make me happy even from fasting with me, stopped drinking etc. He was 19 and I was 21. I wasn’t that knowledgeable in faith to convince him to embrace Islam, however, I was steadfast in the practical side such as prayers, fast and zakat. I was aware later on that his faith came during a period where Islam was rejected due to the atrocities that the Moghuls did to non-Muslims and pride towards his faith will be a huge obstacle for him esp at his age and what his family raised him to believe in regards to Islam (based on such unfortunate events). Please do keep in mind that I never slept with him, however, I sadly made the first move on him, which was a kiss.

He respected that I chose no sex until marriage and always made me feel at peace. When his mother and sister came to visit from Kenya they loved me and treated me as part of their family, however, they obviously had concerns about religious differences. I was already feeling guilty and knew it is best to end it. I was not guilty because I fell in love with him, guilty because it was not accepted Islamically and the way my parents raised me, morally it is ‘wrong’. My mother and father eventually found out and were very displeased and took their anger out on me and didn’t care to understand nor talk about my feelings. I never saw my mum as a friend as she mainly made her stance as an ‘authority’ over me and made me fear telling her anything and adopted being secretive to save from headache and constant prying. It was basically like helicopter parenting.

I was in a battle but ultimately had to end it with him. I decided that Allah comes first no matter what. It was a long difficult process and he did not want to let go. Another woman from the same culture and faith came into the picture and he was encouraged to hook up with her. He was insecure knowing in the back of his mind I wanted and kept trying to break up with him. His tears never ended. He wanted to ‘just get married’ to me somehow. He did all he could to try and convince me otherwise but Deen was my primary concern for the future and was scared. We were also not independent enough and decisions were shaped based on circumstances. We did not have much support from our families either way. I secretly felt that this was the best for him to let go even if this girl was initially a rebound to stop contacting me and help him ‘move on’.

I pretended that I disliked him for ‘giving us up’ for this woman. I pretended so it looked like he hurt me and a reason for me to cut ties with him as it would not have worked as 'just friends'. I had no choice as pressures from all ends placed me at an all-time low. When alone, I would be in tears as I would miss him and secretly be jealous of this other woman. I would praise Allah on his creation in regards to my ex’s traits...his qualities was endless, he was pretty much - amazing. He was struggling forgetting me and would somehow try and get in contact with me but primarily through email.

As time went on - 4 years later I still struggled to meet a good compatible Muslim man. I live in an area that was scarce of Muslim men and generation limited to only ‘lost or confused’ Muslim men. They predominantly had non-Muslims or ‘free like’ gfs as it was the easiest option than committing to a Muslim girl. I was subjected to a well-known Sheikh which later showed he was a munafiq (hypocrite) by secretly practicing haram activities despite he preached on stage otherwise. From Muslim men who wanted sexual relationship prior to marriage and if I couldn’t, they would sleep with other women ‘until’ they got married. Some men were decent in character, however they lived in different countries wanting a quick marriage without knowing anything about them due to their circumstances. Basically, there was always some catch. I am a very simple girl who was looking for a simple honest man who at the very least had a sense of humor. Most men who introduced to me are constantly having to either 'boast' or ‘prove’ something and ultimately even my parents rejected them on valid grounds.

At the age of 27 I decided to go and work in a Gulf Country and be exposed to more Muslims. I met my future partner. He was also a challenge due to past baggage. He was of good character and was realistic and I understood nobody is complete. It was either settling for the sad cases back home or being in a foreign land accepting difference in either culture or mindset. He was an open book though and he was very faithful in committing and wanting to marry. When we got married I was not completely sure still as I based my decision at a difficult time and that time was when my father got terminal cancer and was dying. I received an email from my ex in 2009, a day before my wedding which was odd. In his email he stated how he wants to repent and for me to forgive him if he hurt me etc. I did not respond as thought it was best. In 2010 one of my friends informed me that in 2009 my ex broke up with his gf (the one that he moved on with) only to find out that it was a disaster. She left him and married his friend. She was from a very wealthy family and her family did not approve of him based on his financial and family status at the time. I was shocked as I thought them being from the same culture and faith, they would make it work and she was the one who pursued him causing tension between us. He was honestly a catch and if I found a good Muslim man that somewhat equaled in his character, I would not hesitate in wanting to marry him. That is when I clicked why he tried to connect with me in 2009. He had this notion that 'karma' taught him a lesson due not embracing how my faith played an important part in my life as he tried from his own and it proved to be the worst in kind.

Anyway, I have been married for 6 years now and I love my partner, however it is not the same type of love that I had experienced with my ex. My ex had his struggles but we always managed to be compatible and held each other up. Strangely, we had no sexual intercourse but we always loved each other’s company and couldn’t get enough of it. One kiss is like I am in heaven with strange blissful feelings. The feeling when I first kissed my husband was ok but I was not ‘wowed’ if that made sense. I do believe it is all about mental connection that makes the experience pleasurable. We are having our problems as there has been no stability, his family always somewhat meddle, he is constantly sick due to pressure and poor choices he makes, which in turn has affected his sex drive and would spend weeks not being intimate with me and even so, not quality intimacy. I remained patient but I have not gotten pregnant until now and I have never been on contraception. We both have done medical tests and all was clear. I spent many months without him due to him sorting out family issues in his homeland. We never pictured it going down this track. I was advised to leave him as it would be best for my overall well-being, however as I am tolerant, caring and loyal by nature, it stops me from taking such a decision. He loves me very much that even when I suggested the thought of separation, he got sick and ended in hospital. I do love him on the basis he is a good man, however when love is not being nurtured it starts to become weak. I find myself not keen on talking to him anymore since he hardly communicates or has time. I addressed it many times but he tends to keep repeating this cycle. I am lonely and find marriage pointless if it has come to this. Now I am confused, I don't know if I want to remain with him because of feelings and our history or just because I have no more energy to start any new relationship and just settled.

In the end of 2014, I found out that my ex was getting married to this Scottish Christian girl. He found out that my father passed away in 2008 and sent an email apologizing. He used one of his colleagues to check if I was back in the country and if my mobile number was still the same. I knew it was him seeing it is something only he would do and this girl pronounced my name the way he pronounces it. When I confirmed that it was me, she just hung up. I did responded to his email as a respect seeing he was sending his condolences. I told him how I forgave him a long time ago and how he actually didn’t do anything wrong, we were both young and our actions just reflected our maturity level at the time in dealing with things but I respect him for all that he did for me minus his clinginess. I told him to have a peace of mind that I never 'hated' him and quite the opposite, that I always cared and wished him well. He then confirmed what I heard about him was true and that girl he dated after me - he kept the relationship going for 4 years because he wanted to make it work not really thinking about himself and feelings. He did click how he never really loved her and only just to be ‘settled’ but made the ultimate mistake of losing his best friend (me) over a poor choice like her. He felt blessed that he never ended up marrying her. He respectfully wished me all the best with my marriage. I did not disclose any of my problems and kept it general.

He eventually told me he met a nice girl, was engaged and getting married. My friend has him on her fb and from what I sensed, he seemed very happy. I wished him all the best but secretly was hurting all over again. I met him 14 years ago and last time I saw him was 10 years ago  and I am not sure why I am struggling to completely get over him. I do duas as much as possible. Mind you, I got better in prayers; I pray 5 times a day, do duas constantly, I fast and give my due zakat on time. I cried a few times and would ‘speak’ to Allah. Something along the lines of ‘Oh Allah you know what burdens me, please lighten it or remove it, remove any envy' etc. 'Oh Allah, even if I go astray, I always come back on the right path and put you as my first choice as you are always first, even when it was against my own happiness and temptations of this Dunya, you know best’ and 'Allah please guide all those I love to the right path' so forth. After a year passed by he connected again via email. It was basic things like “Happy New Year! Hope all is well?” “Bday blessings”...etc. I refused to accept him on my fb, nor whatsapp etc. Kept it still limited as possible.

I have never dreamt of my husband, but I went to sleep one night and I saw my ex in a dream. There was this bright white light all around and he ‘appeared’. I called out his name. I couldn’t see myself but it’s as if he was in front of me. You know when you have a normal meeting and conversation with someone? You only see that person anyway. In some dreams, you can see yourself actually acting out but this is different. It zoomed into him or either that I walked up to him. He didn’t talk and had a huge grin on his face and just kept on staring. The way I use to remember him, very light hearted and innocent. Then I took my hand and held his cheeks and lightly rubbing it. I said “(his name) will always be the one”. I sounded emotional. There was something said prior to it and after but I only can remember that part. The last time I ever had a dream similar was with my deceased father. In terms of not speaking but my father would be happy, show me things and ‘signs’. My father was much younger in my dream and one time waiting for me in this beautiful place, with white marble shine like finish and a golden stair a palace that was radiating white glow. I had many amazing visions of my dad esp during the time coping with losing him. In regards to my ex though, it is the first time I have ever dreamt of him and when I woke up, I was happy but upset thinking how I want Allah to help me and this is not exactly how I want to keep remembering him! He was not the most 'attractive' man in many peoples eyes. They would comment and compare how being an 'attractive woman' I should be with someone just as beautiful. Funnily enough, my husband is a very handsome man. I have concluded though, my ex is one of my weakness in this Dunya and even if he was the most 'unattractive' man and well in his old age, I will always see him in complete beauty.

Although this is a general overview of my case, could someone help me make sense of what I am going through, is there a special du3a that can help? Or advice? Would much appreciate genuine feedback without placing judgments.


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6 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikom sister Ally

    This a clear test sister, do not let shytaan disturb your life.
    Past is past, and that guy has no place in your life as a married woman.
    and as a muslim woman you are aware that , even if you were still available, he still has no place in your life
    Quraan tells us that unbelievers are not an option for marriage even if we like them. So do not let shytaan to use your liking for that guy to confuse you and disturb your marriage and life. So you really need to close all doors of shytaan, as he knows your weakness and will try and try and try.... shut that door close, once and for all.

    and do not give (believing women) in marriage to idolaters until they believe, and certainly a believing servant is better than an unbeliever, even though he should please you;
    these invite to the fire, and Allah invites to Paradise and to forgiveness by His will, and makes clear His signs to mankind, that they may be mindful.

    (Surah 2:221)

    Problems in Marriage :
    Life is not perfect Ally, and it will never be. There is no Utopia in this world , no marriage is free from problems, and you do need to be realistic. Work and communicate with your husband to together resolve all the problems that the family is facing.

    MashaaAllah you have a loving handsome husband, and you love him too. Give priority for your family, and how to make it a happier , better Muslim family. Try to develop yourself as a better Muslimah within the security of your marriage. Any distractions, current or from the past, will not do you or your family any good.. It will only deplete you from energy and desensitize you from appreciating the good things you have in your marriage and make you feel you miserable and you go the down spiral. So keep reminding yourself of the good things you appreciate in your marriage and your husband, make a list of them and read them everyday.
    Pay attention for Shaytaan tricks because his best day is when he destroys a family. I can tell from your writings that you are aware of this point, but it worth reminding.

    Intimacy not frequent/ quality :
    For the intimacy part, intimacy is a great blessing in marriage and its a strong tool in bonding couples.
    Use that to your advantage sister, and yes its OK and even encouraged be proactive, so do not just let it depending on his drive. Are you working too or are you a full time house wife.. ?? work do take a lot from your energy too. so you need to pay attention not to neglect your needs and his needs for a regular quality intimacy time. For men the more accepting and welcoming you are for his advances, and the more you give intimacy, the more they want more of it.. Give him the "psychological supplements" by being creative in getting ready, communicating your desire for him in the right times, of If he needs some supplements/vitamins or supporting treatment by all means get him to get that.

    I remember i read somewhere about a couple who had some problems in marriage. They then made an agreement to have consistent quality intimacy everyday for a full month, while working on their problems. I did work for them greatly it strengthen their their connection, and rekindle their relationship.
    You can give it a try sister.. not necessarily a full month .. but a deliberately more frequent rate.

    As you can see that a good marriage does require effort to make it work, in real life.
    Not like the novels. and any effort you do for this marriage is counted towards your good deeds in akhirah also. Its a win-win so you and your husband should make lots of duaa and not save any effort on that .

    It worth it to work a little bit harder to make your marriage work. Shaytaan is your eternal enemy and he will not stop trying ...

    Good luck and May Allah lightens your burden, give you contentment and happiness and help you be a good Muslimah and make your family a good muslim family

    • Thank you for this well informative advice. I agree with you in many areas. I appreciate the time you put into responding and your duas. Ameen. Jazakallahu khairan.

  2. I think sister you should also pray to Allah SWT to erase him from your heart and mind and lead you onto the straight path. Very often we think the grass is greener on the other side. But we all understand and believe, that as MUslims, all that happens to us is the best possible that could have happened. Our trials and happiness are all blessings, at times 'in disguise'.

    • Thank you for your advice and you are right. I honestly pray to Allah to help me and erase him. I do believe I have come a long way and one of my few struggles is this case. I always put my trust in Allah and ultimately believe that this is better for me as Allah knows best. I wouldn't function being with a non-Muslim as guilt would be overpowering and hence why I left him in the past. I rather struggle than disobey Allahs commands.

  3. Sister ,

    If you analyze human nature often when we think about old memories of young age those looks exciting .As your last haraam encounter happened in young age so you are thinking that it that it was more exciting compare to your current husband .

    Assume that even if he had got converted and you had married him and after some period post marriage the commitment will kill that level of excitement what you are imagining ..To be frank these are fantasies and false imaginary pleasure things .Shyateen will take this opportunity to deviate you from right path and you are thinking about divorce from your good husband for this Kaafir .

    Please remember marriage is a different ball game together and it needs lot of patience and sacrifices from both the parties . What you are imagining is just theoritical image and marriage will wipe out those fantasies .

    Stop any communication with this guy and focus more on your marriage . You seems to be a person who is jumping from one person to other in quick time .

    • Thank you for your input., it is much appreciated. However, I do think you need to read my post accordingly as I have stated I left my ex because Allah came first. Why would you assume I would want to leave my Husband for a Kafir? The idea of leaving my husband is due to very deep seated issues from his end and I have remained patient as I am loyal but a victim at the same time . No I do not have any tendencies to jump from one person to another in a quick time seeing I have only been married once and my last ex was from 10+ years ago and respect the fact he is also married. And if I do end up divorced will have nothing to do with my past. nor the notion of wanting him.

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