Regret and guilt are tearing me apart
Salam brothers and sisters
Please read from starting to end. I have no one to talk to n tell all this.
I am in too much distress..even thought of committing suicide but as its haram couldn't do that. I hope someone will help me here..
I am 25 years old from pakistan & completed engineering this year. In my 2nd year I met a boy & we fell in love. Before this I was a very shy righteous and islamic girl but things started going wrong from there only. My family is also very islamic & with values. But I don't knw what happened to me, may be because I was far away & lived in a hostel in those days but I forgot my values.
Initially the friendship was innocent but as it's said in islam relations with namehram are altogether wrong and they end up as being sinful. We also became like that. Innocent chats changed to lusty talks. We talked sex on phone uncountable of times. I cried and told the boy it's sinful but he kept consoling me that I am a girl so make it a big thing otherwise it's a part of relation. I tried to make him understand but he couldn't and worse was I got involved too. Everytime I cried and asked for forgiveness from Allah but everytime he talked like this I too would flow with the moment. Later we met and we did some sinful acts like kissing hugging & touching passionately. I cried like hell but I was slowly getting changed. One small sin led to bigger ones although I never committed zina in person but only Allah knows if that ws zina that happened on phone.
I started being in distress and irritable. I realised I am not doing right but once you go wrong you realise it when its too late. I got a Setback when I landed up at his place in night..thankfully nothing happened there but considering what type of a girl I was before I realised what I have become. How could I spend a night at a namehrams place. I wept..cried..remorse. When I came home I saw my parents faces ..I started to die within myself that I have been killing their trust all these years.
I am in depresssion for all these years. I made up my mind not to repeat such things n I stood by it. I thought if I marry him such things will fall in their right place, that boy was genuine in his feelings but he had a problem he found such sinful things normal..otherwise he loved me immensely.
He sent a proposal at my home but my family never approved of him..so I started being away from him because I realised he is taking away my innocence and bringing harm to my mental status. 2 years passed but he was always there helping me but I made it a point that he does no favours to me because my family was not happy with the proposal.
But his patience broke one day & he abused me mercilessly that I am a characterless girl & I used him and now I am trying to get rid of him..he was always there for me but I was running away from him..he said I used him n now I am over him..if he did sinful things he had full intentions of marrying me but I didnt take a stand for him in front of my family.
It was not like I was fooling him. I really loved him and wished best for him but I was afraid of my parents and moreover did not want to hurt them and my family was very strict. I felt broken for the way he abused me with foul language..2 months we didnt talk but somewhere in my heart I knew he is a genuine person n I should take a stand for him. I did that for 2 years but it's of no use.
My family broke down knowing this thing that I was having an affair.. Things are like someone has died at my home. in a way its true..I murdered their trust. All these years I made up my mind I won't do more sins but he kept asking for it.. he craved for those sinful things n abused me if I refused him and later he used to cry and say sorry for those behaviours. This made our relation sour but since I saw this face of him I couldnt say I want to break up because he immediately came to my character n started abusing me. I wept in loneliness that I made my life miserable n I am in a mess.
I felt after doing all this I can't marry anyone else. But the boy is of other caste n not a good match according to my parents.. Moreover my father has been very loving to me but he has a very stubborn nature - if something goes against his wish he takes it to his heart and head. I have been convincing them for 2 years but of no use. He doesnt talk to me ..he has stopped going out..meeting people because according to him I have brought shame to him..he can't face the world. I die seeing this. I fear that boy may reveal to the world what wrong I did to him and how low my character is. He says so when he is angry but cries and says sorry also..he says he loves me so much that he can't let me go after 3 years of relationship.
But my parents are adamant and they cry in front of me if I insist. I am in too much distress because of the sins I have committed...I cant eat and sleep well thinking about them n I have forgotten I ever was a studious girl..I cant study. I find it hard to pray salah n quran as I feel I m not righteous anymore. My parents want me to leave that boy and marry someone else..I feel gulity for that boy also because no matter what wrong he did but he had genuine feelings and its tough for him too..and tht makes him angry & abusive..n I feel will it be okay to marry an innocent man of my parents wish who doesnt know the actual me?..
I am crushed between my parents and my feelings I cant tell them to the extent I was involved..they will die on hearing this..they cried when I told them about my affair only. I can't convince them. I tried for 2 years but I am unable to..although their reasons for disapproval are wordly only like what the society will say..he s not a good match..ppl will make fun of us..etc. They don't know my mental status that I am confused..fr them I am on a strong stand to marry him but I can't disobey them on such a big decission..& I have suffered so much that i fear if I marry against my parents wish I wont get a happy life..I am what I am just because of them..they sort of begged before me to do according to them. After all his abuses & resentment from my family that euphoric feeling of love tht made me do those sinful acts has also vanished..I am in a confused and distressed state that will I be happy with him or not?.. I am not unhappy but I am not sure if I'll be happy with him. One reason for my confusion is this, also that all 2 years he kept me abusing that he loved me n due to my family drama I ruined his life...I fear if in this confused state I marry him and if we don't be happy the whole responsibility will fall on me and I don't want to ruin his life anymore..I want him to be happy. Please help me brothers and sisters what should I do in light of islam... my questions:
1. Should I marry him or obey my parents?
2.Which is a bigger sin?..disobeying my parents over this matter or breaking the promise I made to him?? I have gone so wrong that I want to decide according to what pleases Allah more..leave love affair
3.How do I repent for the sinful acts I did?
4. Will it be fair to marry an innocent person who doesnt know actual me?
I feel extremely sorry for hurting my family and that boy. I am in constant state of depression & guilt. If I obey my parents I feel not good enough for the person they want me to marry.. I feel low in my spirits tht someone has already touched me n now how could two men touch me? I am in too much distress. I never knew I'll ever be in so much pain. I don't enjoy things and I have forgotten to smile. I have lost so much weight, I can't study.. I have lost myself. I feel I have lost the right to be happy as I bring pain to people and I have done so many sins.
& for those innocent girls reading this..I request n pray you never follow my path. I haven't been punished by any but my self conscience is killing me everyday..my world has fallen apart..few wrong actions and I am transformed into a disaster..I hope no one ever goes through this for you never know the future ..so don't go to an extent that your ways to come back get shut..
I pray 5 times namaz..tahajjud also sometimes..ask for Allahs forgiveness but I am never at peace. I feel dirty and fake.
regret
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Assalam alaikum,
I do not think you should marry the boy that has the potential to abuse you and call you characterless as thought he had no part in what he did. In the eyes of Allah swt, you both were equal partners in the sins committed. Listen to your parents.
I don't have much time now...sorry for the short response, but I will write in details later, iA.
Walekum assalam sister
Thanks for the rply.. each ones rply mean a lot to me in this hard time.its like consolation. May Allah reward you with a better return.
Assalaam Mu alaikum, sister.
I have read your story and can feel the guilt, because I was also involved in an affair, but not for long, and was not this deep in it met 3 times and let him hold my hands, despite his many requests, mags and calls were a routine. I would not talk for a month, and then could not control and start talking. Less than a year, and alhumdulillah I realized I can't see my parents down, and dont care even if someone dies on that account. So answering ur questions....
1: obey ur parents, though that guy maybe the sincerest out there, maybe no other man would actually love u more than him, but remember there is Allah, the supreme and his love alone will be enough for u, inshaAllah.
2: disobeying parents is the worst, if u break ur promise pay kafaara, (ask me if u want to know how), but parents, not a chance. Even if one's parents are kaafir, a person should obey them, except when they call him to acts other than Islam. Even if ur not that dedicated, it takes time, even I don't listen everything, but, breaking their heart is the worst thing. Allah forbid, if something happens to them because of u, u will never be able to recover from the trauma.
3: since u say u pray, I advice u zikr and Quran. The effects that zikr has is so out of this world, before sleeping, while doing chores, after every salah. Zikr. And Quran with meaning, please atlkeast one page, and u will immediately know that Allah is talking to you. Its as if the advice written is just handmade for ur situation.
4: leave it to Allah, ur just a person, u don't have the ability to make choices, Allah makes them. Don't worry about the person, Allah will take care of its. Who knows, u repent and become a much more steadfast Muslim than the person ur marrying. Its possible. No sin is too great, that which Allah does not forgive.
Start by asthaghfar zikr, make a target say 100 or 500 per day.
InshaAllah I will sincerely pray for u,me and the rest of the Muslim folk encountering this problem.
May Allah guide us to the right path.
Ameen.
assalam Alaekum sister
Thanks for the rply.. each ones rply mean a lot to me in this hard time.its like consolation. May Allah reward you with a better return.i say astaghfar and subhanallahi wabihamdihi 100 times(I read somewhere saying this erases your sins even if its equal to that of foam of a sea)may Allah forgive my n your sins too . and few days back a completely unknown girl came to me from my hostel & said I have been watching you for some days & feel u r in some pain & in my namaz I felt a sort of msg tht I should tell you to recite durood shareef 500 times a day so u may get some relief.i felt goose bumps n so thrilled.something so strange happened to me for the first time.it ws like a divine msg n I hv been doing tht frm tht day.
I m not talking to the boy n its like months now but I still feel guilty n dirty.moreover I feel bad tht I did wrong to boy by breaking his heart because he ws a nice person..if he ws a bad person he could have harmed me in anyway..but our last few talks were so dirty n frightening tht I m afraid of him.all such things have landed me in a situation of confusion of he will harm me actually or it was his anger only. N more I try to convince my parents they get more depressed.. you know its like you dnt enjoy a thing when you get to knw it costs your parents smthing really much.
Thanks for your rply. You people are really helping me out in coming to a decission. May Allah reward you for this.
OP: Later we met and we did some sinful acts like kissing hugging & touching passionately. I cried like hell but I was slowly getting changed...........I got a Setback when I landed up at his place in night..thankfully nothing happened
Is the guy educated like you? Is his family willing to accept you? You spent the night with him and nothing happened?
Yes he is educated and his family is also educated.as i said the problems are worldly only..he s from other caste, he is not good looking, like I said I have been convincing my parents for two years ..there came a point when for my sake they said they will agree to this proposal only if evrythng will come out to be acceptable.they started to gather information about him but they got some not so good reviews about his family background.after that they became more adamant on not accepting this proposal.otherwise he s a vry nice person at heart.very genuine and loving to me.you know parents get more childish n unreasonable at times.they dnt hit me for being stubborn to marry me but they get so upset n depressed that my decission gets shaken n confused tht will I be happy after hurting them.
And when I landed up at his place one day.it got late and my hostel gate got closed so I had to remain there at his place.but before that I had already wept so badly over the sins we had already committed tht we both made a point not to do any wrong that day n thankfully we stood by it.but staying at a boys place all alone n that too at night..no good girl will do..i didnt realise tht day tht ill keep this memory so badly in my head.i m not able to overcome tht I did such acts.i feel guilty for staying there n who will believe tht nothing happened if he will say all this to people.such thoughts keep me anxious n guilty that I should have given it 1000 thoughts before putting my family's respect at sake & staying there at his place.that ws my last visit to him.
Assalamo Alaikum Sister,
Reading your story tells that you are a person of good character Alhamdolillah, otherwise very few females exhibit this sort of guilt and remorse over what happened.
You committed a mistake by committing to this individual and you already repent it. Now, please let bygones be bygones and leave him to be at peace with yourself. Reason, I am advising you to leave him is not majorly because its against your parents' wishes, rather its because the individual doesn't come across as a noble person who will keep you happy in future. It looks like he invited you to sins saying nonsense like--you are a girl..and its pretty normal to sin. And after that, when marriage doesn't seem possible he is accusing and abusing you and calling you names. This is hypocrite behaviour; I do understand, it might be because of his frustration about non possibility of marriage, but calling you characterless and you fearing that he might disclose the truth of the extent of relationship is indeed disturbing.
He might be a loving person, but going against parents wishes for this type of person might be risky in the long run. I am a person who does not believe in theory that parents are always right! Parents are also human like us and they too are mistaken and take wrong decisions at times. Their reason for not allowing you to marry him is basically because of the society around and irony is that parents do not understand the pain children go through. I have witnessed such situation and its like an emotional deadlock, where both the sides are sad and full of sorrow and at total lack of understanding for each other.
Only thing which will bring you peace is proximity to Allah, believe me that's the only thing which keeps us alive in tough times. I will suggest the actions below:
1. Tell the brother to focus on being a good Muslim and repent for the actions and cut all unnecessary contacts with him.
2. Assure your parents you are with them and make them feel you are still their little daughter who wants love.
3. Do not feel bad about yourself. You are still the angel you used to be as whatever happened is only between you and Allah swt and he is the most merciful.
4. Do not rush into marriage with anyone if you are forced to do so. You are too young for that.
5. Give yourself time and try to get involved in community work if possible.
Pray lots and lots and do numerous Istekhara asking Allah for guidance, cry to Allah swt that you need to know what's good for you and lead you there. Inshallah, you will soon find a way and when Allah shows you the right way ahead, no one matters and you will find yourself in immense peace.
If brother is good for you in life and hereafter or vice-versa, Allah will show you the way through numerous prayers and Istekhara..
Stay strong and may Allah bless you with the peace soon.
Walekumassalam sister
You have a big heart to call me of good character , very few people do that.. I have stopped wearing good clothes n being cheerful. I keep thinking what if people will get to know about me..they will think I m a shameless girl.no one will understand what I m going through each second.your one sentence brought so much confidence to me.
you sent a very beautiful reply..indeed its irony when parents dnt realise their childrens pain in such situations & it is actually an emotional deadlock.but I m in this constant state of depression for so long,I hv lost weight,I dnt enjoy things,I dnt buy fashion stuff I used to do earlier..seeing me like this has made them so worried..they took me to a doctor..got my thorough checkup done,keep asking me to eat more n showing me so much love to bring me back to life.this brings tears to my eyes tht I broke trust of such nice parents..n in return they want me to do one thing..both sides people love me n want me to agree with them.i got envolved to such extent n moreover i love that boy tht makes it tough for me to leave him.this is an emotional deadlock.
I already did istekhara but I got no clue or conclusion.just praying that Allah makes me reach one end soon.
I will try to follow your advice. May Allah reward you with a better return for this help. JazakAllah khair.
Sister ,
You said your parent did some back ground checking and found some things negative about boy and family .What was that negative feedback ?
Asslamo Alaikum Sister,
Hope you will be in a better state now.
Just one thing to add, you will not get any clue by Istekhara, you can read about Istekhara on this website only. Istekhara is only about seeking guidance from Allah swt. , you can do numerous Istekhara until your heart is at peace. I did my Istekhara for months and Allah swt showed me the way out!
Beg to Allah, cry your heart out and seek guidance, Inshallah you will find your way.
Don't cut off from the world, try to spend quality time with your parents and female friends/cousins, it will spare you from overthinking all the time.
Remember, its all in Allah's hands, and HE thinks best for us.
May Allah swt brings peace and love to all of us with our Imaan steadfast.
It's very sad to know your story, but trust me, sister, we all have some kinds of regrets in life. Something we always dwell upon, have guilt because of it, and keep thinking about why we did so. The important thing is to learn a lesson from ur mistake and if it's a sin, do not repeat it ever. Make taubah in front of Allah. When u ask forgiveness from Allah, even He, the almighty forgives us, so don't worry about parents. They will also forgive u. Just respect their orders now n if ur having trouble making a decision, do istikhara n seek Allah's help. Because after u do istikhara, u will automatically be guided to the path which is better for u n u may even not understand the wisdom of Allah.
Sis, I read Qur'an and I understand it . There's a chapter in Qur'an that: stay away from adulterers unless they REPENT. Sis, in your situation you are unmarried and you wished to marry that boy. But unfortunately your parents disagree. May ethe boy may have some negative points what you can't see. If you repent before Allah taala and pray that: you won't commit this sin again. Then your sins may be forgiven but don't stop praying. Never know, Allah taala may forgive you, as he is ahead and the most merciful the one who forgives people inshallah ameen
And sis one more thing love only remains till you get married. I have seen alot of cases like your story. I had a next door neighbour who married her cousin. There were in love for more than 15 years since their childhood years. Then they got married. Two years after marriage, her husband was with another woman, and aunt beated that woman up. After two hours, her husband got a bat and beated up his wife because she beated up his girlfriend. Sis, as your parents love you alot of course they must have seen something wrong g in that boy, sorry if it hurts your feelings but remember if a person is bad for your livelihood, Allah taala will not give you that boy. Daughters are honour of parents, therefore go according to your parents wishes, you will remain A true nominated and a lovely daughter inshallah ameen
Hi I can understand what you are going through. Probably I am going through something like that the difference is I got engaged to the guy who qas not Islamic comited sinful acts and boom he broke it one day in anger Caz he wanted me to contribute money for a house which I don't have . It was a lot of money!!
. I was hurt for a month and sometimes the pain turns into anger I yelled at his parents one night when I couldn't take it as to how can they amd their son can
abandon someon daughter without any reason . I compained to a lot of people about their wrong actions but nothing helps .They are sure they don't want to deal with me any more . I don't understand what to do I am shattered.the only reaosn they giv me is u have misunderstood us and have not even contacted me since that day.
But with all the pain comes relief. I have learnt Allah wants something better for me inshallah
I guess for u too it is the same. Please accept it and move on for ur betterment.