Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m his secret second wife, and I want out!

Husband Remarried

Assalamu alekum,

I'm an European Muslim woman (I was Christian, I converted to Islam about 3 years ago). I'm married to a married Muslim man. The problem is that we have been married for 2 years and nobody knows about me. I'm living in his country, and I'm trying to convince him to talk to his wife and children about me. He doesn't want to because it may make his wife very upset/angry and she would leave him etc.

No one knows about me until now. My husband always has an excuse for it. Until now he was not able to tell his mother or even sister, or wife, that we got married. I'm a very depressed woman, and I cry almost every day and pray to Allah to help me in my life.

I'm sick of it. I told him, he cant act like this while he is a very good Muslim man. He has to tell his wife. I'm very frustrated and confused. He makes only promises, and I see he doesn't treat us equally, and he knows it. It hurts. I don't understand why he married his first wife immediately after he met her, but I have to wait for few years to become his real wife. I want his family to know about me.

I know he loves me and wants the best for me, and I love him too, but to be honest I'm very tired of this situation. I'm almost 30, I want to have kids and I can't, because we need to have a wedding and he must introduce me to his family....but it takes time, and time flies.

The second thing is, I'm probably very selfish, but I do not accept his wife...I can't accept her. Why? I'm born in Europe, from a Christian family, and as you know we don't accept many wives. I'm not ready to accept her, and I will never be. I don't see her as a sister. I'm depressed, I cry a lot, and I cant stand this situation any more. Please help me, I feel it's better for both of us if he lets me go, but he doesn't want to. I'm so confused.


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13 Responses »

  1. I dont think this is an appropriate islamic opinion #Ahmed.
    I do think the sister should leave this and move forward as it does seem as though she is a mistress. It is a shame for all of them involved ie the both wives and the children the male in this is very unislamic and clearly behaved in a very selfish manner, it is not a pleasant situation, may Allah (swt)find a way out for you In Sha Allah

  2. Salam sister...This is wrong....Just because he might look and have some good qualities doesnt make him that he has real taqwa fear of Allah .There are alot of showboat out there that are women charmers.This is not the way of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w to have multiple wives is not about sexual desires.It is a way to bring up proper muslim children increase the muslims. To support and solve single widowed etc....problems in society.Each wife must be treated equaly and taken care of if one can afford it financially .Any man who has a women outside of wedlock is committing a serious and dangerous wrong...He will meet Allah on that day with punishment or doomed to Hell for rejecting truth after knowledge came to him.

  3. Assalamailaikum sister.

    I find it ironic that you say you cannot accept his 1st wife because you are European. That makes me upset. I think right now it's not about YOU accepting since you already knew he was already married. Right now it's about his 1st wife finding out and whether or not she wants to ACCEPT you. Not the other way around. It sound selfish when you said you cant accept. Who do you think you are? If you knew he was married, why did you accept his proposal? Why did you agree to get married? So you cant accept his 1st wife. You expect him to divorce her? Your intentions shows how unkind your heart is.

    It true that he has you hidden away like some dirty secret. Technically he did nothing wrong in marrying a second wife. The only wrong he did was to hide it from his family and to not seek permission from his 1st wife.

    I think you have to either give him time or put your foot down and have things done your way. Either way it won't be pleasant for you.

    As much as I would like to help you. Looking from my perspective. My sympathy lies with the 1st wife and her kids. I would be absolutely devastated if I were to find out my husband has a second wife behind my back. May Allah protect us all from lies and deceit.

    Put yourself in her shoes. How will you feel if you were to find out husband has wife no.2? I hope your husband will break it to her eventually. it is unjust and untruthful to live life that away. She has a right to know.

    May Allah guide you to the right path and may he ease your situation.

    Fyi. My aunt went through absolute agony when her husband married a second wife but at least it was not behind her back.

    Now 2 decades later both wives are living happily but separately and they are more than cordial towards each other. I suppose it's possible to survive in situation such as this. But you have to change your heart be accepting that you are a 2nd wife. Allahuwalam.

    • I so agree with you sister I. Was willing to give her advice and all until I saw he ending comment how she demanded and demanded that she can't accept the first wife that she's European blah blah if exactly she knew that then why did she marry him because it's so obvious she knew about it and she knew he had a wife obviously so what is saying. The man also sounds so selfish and it's obvious he married the second for desires. Allah knows best maybe he knows what kind of wife and mother he has and they won't accept him getting a second wife. Even so I'd advise the sister to press or report to any sheik or most close by and also press for him to introduce her PS she should be 100% ready to cool down when meeting the first wife because she has Evey right to be angry the 2nd knew what she was getting into except she had planned on snatching the husband from the first

  4. I saw a comment of someone saying that she has no right to feel that way . Why was the comment deleted?

    • It was my comment that got deleted and it was kinda harsh. I agree for it to be deleted I started calling her a mistress etc

  5. First of all it’s none of your business to why he married his first wife. Clearly she is wifey material and he loves her and married her. She is also the mother of his children. Your the one going into her life and ruining it as you know she is the first and true wife and you can’t accept her? You act like you are the first wife with his children and some hoe can just come and take over. U need to get a life and find a single man

  6. Okay, WOW to the people who've commented. A lot of the comments were harsh, it didn't have to go that direction.

    On the other hand, I do understand what they mean.

    Sister, you knew going into this marriage that he was already married. If it bothered you so much, you should NOT have married him. That was a choice that you made when you married this man. Also, being a convert for three years, you should know by now that Muslim men can marry up to four women, it's not necessarily okay for them to marry secretly but nonetheless, they are allowed to have more than one wife. I can sympathize with you, however, I sympathize with his first wife as well. She is just as out of the picture as you are. The only difference is that his family don't know about you and it's hurting you, while his family don't know about you and it WILL hurt them when they find out. That depression you're feeling? His first wife is about to feel the same way once she finds out. I feel extremely bad for her, and I feel for you as well but leave her out of it. You knew while she didn't. You had a choice while she didn't. Park that out of your mind, his first marriage has nothing to do with you.

    Now getting to the important part, you're going to have to make a tough choice. You sit him down and tell him you can no longer live in secret and give him an ultimatum, a certain time frame to build up the courage and finally tell his family about you, and if he doesn't? You leave. If it's causing you a lot of pain, then leave. However, if you love him enough to put up with not only being a secret wife but also a second wife, then stay and put up with it. He should not have left you a secret but I don't blame him because you also had a part in this. You practically let him take it this far. It's not too late though, put your foot down and ask to be introduced, if he isn't willing, then leave or stay and put up with it if you want to. The choice is yours.

    In the meantime, pray to Allah, make dua and hope for the best for YOU. Make choices for YOU. Live for YOU. If you feel uncomfortable, you have the ability to make those changes.

    I feel for you, I really do. I wish you the best. Keep us updated!

  7. It's hard to feel empathic towards women when they create their own misery. As a woman myself, I simply don't understand why my fellow sisters in humanity have such low (if even existing) standards, expectations and requirements when it comes to men and getting married. Men are not a rarity, you know...did you HAVE to marry an already married coward? There really aren't any somewhat decent single men around you?

    Anyway, If you're so concerned with not being kept a secret, you should have demanded of your husband to make you and your intentions of getting married public to everyone BEFORE you actually went ahead and got married to him. What's the point in throwing a hissy fit now, AFTER you have committed yourself to this man? Seems rather pointless to me. You married a coward and a coward he will remain, I can assure you.

    Also, if you are so against being a second wife, why did you marry an already MARRIED man? That's like saying you don't want cancer all while smoking 80 cigarettes a day. And what do you mean that YOU can't accept his wife? She was there first and before you came along! She was in his life when you met him - why is she a problem AFTER you married HER husband? Are you listening to yourself? You married someone else's husband and now have the nerve to ask if it's selfish of you to want her out of the picture? Yes, Hon' are very selfish. You're in fact unbelievable. If you wanted exclusivity, you should have married someone who doesn't come with a family already.

    If you want out of the marriage, then get out. It's not that complicated. But I suspect you don't actually want out of this marriage - I suspect you want tips and advice as to how you can get the first wife out of the way so you and this sorry excuse of a man can live happily ever after. Well, it's not going to happen. Sorry to say this, but I know the type men like your husband is. They are weak and cowardly, because they are quite submissive and usually have to answer to other people. Whether it's their parents, family, community...the important thing to know about them is that they are not very independent men. And they are not very likely to change their ways. They usually marry weaker woman that are naive, gullible and easily believe words, even when they are not backed up by actios. You mention yourself that your husband keeps making empty promises...that's exactly what this type of weak man does: he distracts his naive targets (i.e you) with empty promises and occasional sweet gestures (minimum effort ones, of course) to install false hope in his targets. It's all tactics on his part to distract you from demanding of him to make you public to his family. That's the thing, naive and gullible people like yourself see a small gesture as a huge sign of hope that things will change - I suspect that's why you're still in this farce of a marriage. I can assure you that they will not. This man will continue to make excuses and empty promises for as long as he can get away with it. That means, until you give him a serious ultimatum, until you talk to his family and wife yourself, or until you get divorced from him.

    Good luck.

  8. Salaams Dear Sister:

    Two years ago, you secretly married a man who has a wife and family. It is so unfortunate, but your situation is not that unusual. What you are going through is the one of the reasons why in Islam it is important for a woman to have a wakil represent her when she marries.

    You are still new to Islam and therefore it is easy for someone to give you inaccurate information about Islamic principles, especially about marriage and polygyny. Being in a marriage that no one knows about not only goes against the Sunnah; there is no secret marriage in Islam. A man with more than one wife is obligated to treat both or all of his wives equally. If one wife knows she is married and the other does not, that is quite unequal. Being isolated is also one of the first ways in which a wife is susceptible to abuse. And you are so isolated you are a secret.

    In response to your question about why your husband married his first wife soon after he met her, that relationship was not a secret. Regardless of your status, you are his "real" wife. While I strongly advise you not to get pregnant, you have every right as a wife to have children. You do not "need to have a wedding", to meet your in-laws or anything like that to have children. Either you are married or you are not. You seem to still have a limited understanding of marriage in Islam as well as Islamic culture. You mentioned that you are from Europe with a Christian family. Most Muslim women from throughout the entire world do not want to be in a polygynous marriage.

    You may want to take some responsibility for your situation and your own hypocrisy. You got involved with a married man, secretly married him, and now claim that you do accept his wife. At what point after you met the married man, did you "not accept" the woman he was already married to. There are other words for women who indulge in that kind of behavior. but "being selfish" is not one of them. Do not use your nationality or culture for your feelings. Most women want their husband exclusively, regardless of where they grew up or their faith. It is not for you to accept the first wife; chances are that she would not accept you. You might want to realize your husband's first wife is the one who may have to come to terms with the fact that her husband has been lying to her for more than 2 years about his sexual relationship with another woman.

    It does not matter that you do not see your husband's first wife as your sister. In Islam, we are all brothers and sisters. It does not matter what you may think. You do not even know her. And like the countless instances where a man lies to his wife directly or by omission, and keeps other women he has in his life apart, there are details that you do not even know about, his first wife, her marriage with your husband or if he may have done this before. It is no secret that European women are prized by many men throughout non-European countries, and to "have a white woman" is some kind of fantasy status symbol. It is also no shocker that married men often want to have a young beautiful woman sexually, only to discard her when she demands domestic responsibility, i.e. children, family interaction, etc. Young women involved with married men are often told by a wise, close friend "Do you really think he is going to leave his wife and kids for you?"

    Your husband is not a good Muslim. For years he has been involved in a sexual relationship with you in a secret marriage and no one in his family, especially his first wife do not know about it. At least that is what you have been told. It may not even be the truth. Even though you state you are married, it seems more like you are his mistress than his second wife. It is time for you to end this relationship. Ask for some kind of settlement and move on. However, if you do make that decision, do not expect anything from the man you are married to. Except more grief and sadness. Consider divorcing this man and establishing relationships with respectable women who can help you gain more correct knowledge of Islam, Islamic family life, possibly getting a representative/wakil and finding a single man interested in marriage. Make dua to Allah to protect you from this questionable relationship and to guide you in your decisions.

  9. He married you as a mistress. Not a wife.

    “I don't understand why he married his first wife immediately after he met her, but I have to wait for few years to become his real wife.”.....”I'm probably very selfish, but I do not accept his wife...I can't accept her”.

    You are selfish. What was your intention that he leaves wife and children. Break a family for you. He is using you for pleasure. This is not Islam and polygamy is all about. Having sexual desires and fun time. You said that you converted 3 years ago and been married for 2 years. Did you convert for him, just to be with him? Now a days I am seeing more reverts converting just to marry the guy.

  10. Why is everyone being harsh to the person who posted? She is a human being like us and has emotions. Yes she may have made mistakes but she is here asking for help instead there are judgmental vultures tearing her apart.

    Sister I know how you feel, and of course it isnt easy but imagine how his first wife will feel? But you need to get out of this situation. If this man doesnt reveal you to his wife and doesnt treat both of you with respect, then he is not worthy of being with. Leave him and inshallah Allah will make it easier for you and give you something better. You and his first wife do not desvere to be put through this. But be kind and easy towards the first wife. She isnt one to blame and you should be kind towards her as qell.

    • Women often tear other women apart when they go after someone who's already a husband to another woman. Would you be as kind and understanding if your wife was the one who had a husband behind your back? A man who was plotting to get rid of you? We tear this woman apart because we have empathy and understanding for the poor first wife that has no idea that all of this is happening to her behind her back - thanks to the OP of this entry. The OP knew she married an already married man, feels no remorse about it and is in fact only focused on her selfish need of finding ways to get rid of the first wife, because she feels more entitled to the first wife's husband. Pretty hard to not be harsh on a person like that. Because they need the reality check - plus, OP asked herself if we think she's she got her answer: Yes, she is very selfish.

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