Should I marry my ex-boyfriend’s brother?
Confusion
I'm a 21yrs old single muslim girl. I'm not coming from a great Islamic background hence it took time for me to realize how strong Islam is.
I'm in a great agony. When I was 15 yrs old I had a relationship with a man who is 5yrs elder than me. But after 3 yrs I realized he was cheating on me so I broke up with him. As time passed by one yr later, I got into another affair with a guy and is still going on strongly.
My marriage is almost fixed with him, but my problem is the guy whom I gonna marry is no-one but my ex boyfriend's own brother. Is this a good thing? Is this allowed in Islam?
I know having boyfriends itself is not agreeable in Islam but as I said I'm a baby Muslim. Recently I got into deen and I want to be a good Muslim girl from now on.
Please help me. Should I stick to this marriage? My intended husband knows everything and he is fine with it but I'm sure his brother is definitely not.
Please give me a reply...
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I posted this question on Muxlim.com also, and a fellow named BACK2MYROOTS offered some excellent advice that I happen to agree with. Here's what he said:
"I speak with knowledge of a similar case which happened 'in the family' several years ago. The two men in question never ever spoke to each other again till the day one of them passed away. The other one was treated as an outcast by the rest of the family. As a child, I was baffled by the whole saga and just wished everybody got on, but that never happened. Personally, I think that "there is plenty of fish in the sea!". Relationships are hard enough without extra complications such as these. Surely you want to start a lifelong relationship feeling confident and optimistic, rather than fearful and full of doubts. You have every right to back off and say sorry you can't go ahead with the wedding. Of course, you can be honest, tell everybody the truth and see how they react BEFORE you take the big leap... That's another option for you.
"This is a complicated situation. If your love for each other is very very strong, then good luck to you both. However, there will be a price to pay. Sooner or later, despite promises made, he will turn around and throw it back in your face. You can deny it 'all you like'; it will happen. Also, how are you going to face your brother-in law in the future? Will you feel comfortable being in the same room as him? What will happen if [or when] your 'secret' is discovered? How will the rest of the family and friends react? Do you think they will have much respect for you?
"I'm sorry for being very sceptical about your future union with this man. The truth is you are going to be very vulnerable. You are already feeling very uneasy about it all. TRUST your GUT FEELINGS, and make a wise decision. Taking high risks means that things can go very wrong, and you will have only yourself to blame for it. [I hope you won't hate me for my comments]."
Wael, thats some really sensible and realistic advice from 'back2myroots',.
Hopefully the sister is not too blinded by 'love' & is mature enough to make a wise choice inshaAllah.
Not being an old fogey, but this word 'love' has completely lost its meaning.
If 'love' is not based on the right thing, it cannot conquer all.
My advice to the sister is: If you really want to strive to be a good muslimah, then make that your focus & use that to help you move away from this highly confused, immoral & potentially damaging relationship. Make a fresh start by clearing your mind, take a break from looking for a husband & strengthen your relationship with Allah.
A thought just came to mind, my understanding is that if a woman divorces a man, she cannot marry his brother while the ex is alive. So although your situation is alittle different, I wonder if you would even be permitted to do nikah with this man
Make a fresh start sis with Allah in mind & he will make it easy for you inshaAllah.
SisterZ
Salaams,
Those are two excellent answers that have been given by Wael and Sister Z. It is simply unfortunate that you got entangled on a relationship with the brother of your ex. The only thing is that having done it once and being cheated upon should have made you realise to refrain from boyfriends.
However, I understand when you say that you were not provided with a strong Islamic background. Unfortunately this is the case these days where many parents fail to instil Islam in the correct manner. But you know better now and want to be a good muslim. Thus it is far better to get out of this situation rather than go ahead and marry.
Marriage is a huge deal. You will be sharing your life with this person, having children together. Do you really want to do that with the brother of your ex?
It will be thrown back in your face in time to come. Even if it wouldn't be, could you really all be comfortable in each others presence, where your husband knows you had an intimate past with his brother? What if your ex attempts to lead you to stray again with him, even if you wouldn't do so, he could use past history to convince your would-be husband. It just spells disaster and you would be the only victim.
You say your fiance is fine with all this, but I'm sorry but I don't understand how he could be comfortable with this. This is not a good sign in itself. You say the other brother( the ex?) is not fine. Thus he is bound to make problems. The initimate relationship between husband and wife should only be known to themselves. Can you imagine if your ex made remarks and jibes about himself being a better love to his brother's wife?!
Sorry but you have to regard these possible scenarios.
You are still young enough to wait for marriage. Yes it is good to get married young but you need to find the right partner. Just focus on yourself and your new found connection with Allah, increase your Islamic knowledge and enhance your way of life.
Regards