Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Suicidal and traumatised by my past

Hadith on Suicide

I have posted here before and got lot of help. (Editor's note: click on the poster's username to see the previous posts).

I was doing fine but my mother decided to push me into a trap and now I feel worthless sinner again.

Here is a brief history about me and a link to my past post also. My questions are at the end of the post. Please help me brothers and sisters please don't say to go see a psychologist. If that was helping why would I come here to give trouble?

My mom says j am a sinner who troubled them a lot in my younger years and that's why I am suffering even now mentally.  She says she knows my sins and that I shouldn't think praying now will make my sins erased.

I know my mom has a some disorder but I need some validation about it.

Here is my story

Salam brothers and sisters I am a woman suffering terribly since some years. I belong to Pakistan but now live in US since more than a decade. I have one Daughter. My problem is a severely narcissistic mother that competes, gets jealous, puts me down etc. Growing up I did not have a voice, literally I was not able to speak up in front of my own dad and used to whisper in my mothers ears in front of strangers and dad. It was so embarassing but I just could not speak in a normal voice. You can imagine what school must have been like. From a good atudent i became average. I developed repeated thoughts. Here is my story in points so that i can explain it better.

1) I was sexually abused at age 5 many many times by an uncle, my moms cousin. I never told mom. At age 12 or so my real older brother, 3 years older than me molested me several times while I was asleep ( I used to wake up but pretended to be asleep and kind of froze ) again at age 15 or so my oldest brother 4 years older than me molested me in broad daylight. This happened several times too.

2) I remember little about my childhood but i do recall my mum being so much nicer to the brothers. She gave me material comforts but emotionally starved me. I was told education is a waste of time as she too has only high school but married a rich guy like my dad. My dad was silent absent and busy but more normal. He used to want me to do well in studies but he was a classic enabler to my mom. Always silent about her abuse. Once when I was back from a gathering my mom told me your face is getting pretty thats why you go out so much let me ruin it for you and she sratched me on my cheek badly. I wasnt otherwise physcially abused but I recall this incident so well. I was given opprtunity to study by my dad.

3) I rebelled badly in teen years. At age 16 I had turned beautiful and had so much attention from guys something i never got at home. I got involved with a non muslim guy. I didnt even like him much he was just someone who was showing attention to me and I clung to him even after my parents found out and beat me etc. I finally left him 2 years later after it got very bad with our families. I went to a regular college later and my mom would tell me to find myself a man to marry and again got involved with muslim guy this time. My mom was super happy but the guy was a jerk and i dumped him.

I will not comment on what happened in these affairs with the 2 guys but I was a virgin when I got married at 23 to a man I didn't love but because of parents' pressure to just get married. I now love him a lot. My parents didnt find him We found each other thru matrimony websites and i told them about him.

4) I married and we moved to usa. My husband doted on me loves n respects me.

5) the things my mom has done in the past few years will shock you.  My parents would refuse girls for my brothers based on looks and social status. Many promises and engagements broke. She made my brother get divorced twice. The second wife was a good girl. She was really nice but she pissed off my mum for a silly thing and my mum got them divorced. This girl died of a sudden heart attack 4 years later after the divorce. She encourages the brothers to be flirts because guys cant control it. She never lets us siblings get close and has alienated us from all cousins and relatives. My dad has been instigated against some of his own brothers and sister and doesn't speak with them anymore. He seldom helps his poor brothers that he still talks to financially .

6) both brothers got married and my mom right now is busy ruining their lives to gain back control. Both marriages are on the verge of divorce again.

7) she comes to usa often for vacations and twice when i was expecting she came and stayed with my brother because she didtn want to spend time with me. I was a fool and would take 3 trains and a cab to go see them at 6 months pregnant. When I would reach their home she would ask me to sleep on floor, make faces, as my single brother (at the time) had a back pain. I would stupidly agree. My dad just watched and often supported her. Two times this happened and both times i lost the baby one at 6 months and once at 8 months.

We were dying for a baby and got pregnant again by miracle and again she came for her vacation (excuse was to help us) here this time i had the baby but the moment i gave birth she fought with me and my husband abused us and told us we are worthless,abused my husbands poor family for being poor (they werent here) and because of small silly reasons that they didnt like (basically we asked them to be careful about some things as this pregnancy was so precious) my milk stopped due to stress and I never fed my child who was also in nicu for 3 weeks because she was premature. I got zero help from my parents who went off for another vacation to meet other relatives.

8) its been 4 years, my child is 4 now and i am not over it at all. I am still feeling so much guilt and confusion and I am amazed to be alive.

My guilt is that maybe its my past that made my parents always hate me?

Was my past really so bad that they can't forgive me or are they just disordered people?

Was I such a difficult daughter and I gave them so much trouble they could never love me? We have been very good to them in spite of everything they have done up until 4 yrs ago. The only blunders I made after marriage was not helping her find a bride for my brother which she expected and small reactions to her verbal emotional abuse.

My husband is wonderful. I am now a practicing muslim i do everything a good muslim should try to do but the guilt never goes away. If I ask an American counselor they tell me my past is like nothing at all because its different culture here. They tell me to cut off ny toxic family. I won't ever to that because islamically that's a sin so I will always talk to them but minimum.

I talk to my parents but they are very very selfish very narcisstic and toxic. They want more from me, more phone calls and more invitations but i just cant and thats one more reason for guilt. It goes somethung like I troubled them as a teenager and they as adults troubled me but its all nullifed cancelled out now and I should be able to love them but i cant. Honestly my mom gets so jealous of my happiness that if i let her back in my life she WILL ruin it. When she was here and saw i have a cleaning lady coming home that small thing made her mad with jealousy and it was very obvious. She is classic NPD. She fought with me 2 days after my baby birth by surgery and when I asked her to make some soup for me as we can't have hospital soup not being halal she refused . She then left me and my husband alone with our premature weak baby to go visit

She really hates me. Her eyes say it all. Whsyever i do is not enough for her. I babe begged her to be a good mom but she just cant My parents had no idea I was sexually abused so for them I was a teen gone crazy. Is this reason enough for abuse. Do I even deserve to live or is my time up in this world and that's why I am suicidal ?

Whenever before marriage I told my mom I did astaghfirullah for past sins She would mock me. If i was praying she would make sure my dad didn't see me praying. It was hell.

I will try to answer some of the questions I have been asked in the past.

I did not tell my mom.about the abuse of my brothers but did tell her 2 yrs back about the uncle. She refused to believe me and said I will go to hell for lying about a pious man. She now says she believes me but still talks normally with him

I have never spoken about the abuse my brothers did. I can't just can't not to my mom or to them. Its something I had buried in my memory and now after my parents abuse it all came up and I am thinking so much.

One sister asked how these relatives get access. I want to answer this so we can all protect our kids and remember it. My uncle about 25 that time would come stay with us in our small apartment. He doted on me was what we all believed. For many months maybe years I did not understand why he was doing what he was doing ( if this is tmi pl delete it moderators) he would put his hand inside my underwear and I was 4 or 5 so had no idea why he did it. At about probably past 5 I found it very uncomfortable and would push his hand away and that's when he stopped. My mom would ask him to take me away to.market or shopping or park so she could get her work done etc.

Hope this helps us better protect our daughters from such monsters.

I have been to a Muslim counselor and she kept telling me to ask forgiveness for the 2 affairs and would tell me I should compare my life with poor pakistani girls who's parents didn't even feed them a good meal.

Which brings me to my question. My parents are very bad. Both mom and dad are. My dad is a participant in the abuse. 2 days after my c section when my mom picked an argument with me he supported her. I weeded and said dad I will die if you do this to me at such a time my son is sick and I just had an operation he tells me yes go and die because life and death is decreed by Allah.

He is a rich guy with lot of issues and same with my mother.

My question is this sisters. I will keep this discussion in my records so I can read it everything I blame myself.

1) Do you sisters feel that there was a certain lack of respect that my own parents showed towards me that made both my brothers not respect and hence the abuse.

I.remember my mother calling me.dumb slow etc.

2) Do you feel I can completely say that I was innocent in the way I reacted (to the sexual and emotional abuse )and i should not feel accountable about the 2 affairs or feel any guilt of blame for it especially bcoz.I have asked Allah's forgiveness.

3) All my life the lines between Normal and abnormal have been blurred. For the first time someone other than my husband has clearly told me that what happened to was ABUSE. The worst parts are my family provided financially for me gave me comforts etc and another problem is they always blamed me for my shortcomings. Oh this girl is a problem child. Oh this girl was given to me after so many prayers and look how she turned out. My mom's words.

The biggest issue is my lack of concrete memories before age 16. So I remember her scratching my face once because I came home late at some 14 yrs old. She said your face is getting too pretty let me ruin it for you. I remember her bringing me film gossip magazines and telling me getting educated is useless but at the same.time brining general knowledge books for my brother and encouraging them.

I remember when I did well in high school final exams she didn't even smile just stared at me. I kind of gave up taking interest in studying after that. When i was 13 i remember a bad tummy pain in school and they came to get me and my mom later asks me if I meet someone when i go to my girlfriends place to study because she thought i was pregnant.

All these things I remember. Being made fun of for not being Smart and not being able to talk. My relatives nicknamed me gungi (means mute in urdu)

Now these are the tidbits i recall and for many years I wasn't sure if all this was abuse. Emotional abuse by them. The sexual abuse I remember clearly

My question is if that's all I remember then can I safely say my paremts and brothers were just abusive right from the start and not after the boyfriend stage. I told my husband and he tells me anyone who behaves the way he has seen them with me and with my brothers wives etc alienating us from relatives making the siblings fight etc he says he can vouch for the fact these people were always abusive so he says rest assured my reactions were all because of their abuse.

4) after my marriage I was still very good to them. I would shop for them when they visited take them places etc and smiled when they asked me to leave and just leave and go back to my husband's place.

But there are 2 mistakes that i.made after marriage.

My mom was looking for arranged match for my brothers and I did not help her. I just didn't feel like. She used to compare me put me down compared to girls those girls were always smart more pretty more ambitious and i was the dumb one. In my heart I didn't even want them to get a very good.girl. does this make me a bad person ?

One more thing I will confess to that i am ashamed.of. my new sister in law is born muslim but does not practice it. My mom saw some of her past modeling videos on TV and threw a fit. She told my dad all girls have a past and some have so bad pasts that u.never know how their marriages are surviving she looked at me and said It. I had just lost a full.term child and was so angry. I went and searched some racy pics of my sis In law and to trouble my mom i.showed them to her.

I have repented and regretted for this but wasn't this a very bad thing to.do.on.my part.

Now that sister in law and i are like sisters i love her and regret it but still feel like.a bad person for putting my mother through the grief of seeing the pics and never helping with my brothers marriages.

My mother has spent her life instigating my brothers and against me. My brothers have done more Zina thaN they can count broken many hearts promised marriage had sex and left girls. I once saw saw an email whe older brother was telling brither that ny mom calls me bitch all the time.

My questions that are driving me unsafe and can't ask anyone are these.

1) I once did oral sex to my first boyfriend. I did it to him not him to me.  We did everything except sexual intercourse. I I am ashamed. I was 18 maybe very vulnerable seeking attention this was 20 years ago. A little semen went inside my mouth please assure me that this was not Zina

2) my mom had asked him if we had  sex. I assume he told the truth that we didn't but she is sneaky and asked him what all we did. I am assuming he told her about the oral one time. Does this then justify her hatred to me.

3) Do muslim parents hold grudges even after their daughters straighten up marry become pious for the teenage or younger years sins they committed. I want to know if this is abnormal behaviour so I can let go the guilt and self blame and stop justifying their abuse.

Please help me please


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40 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    As per sister sana786's request, this post will be closed to further comments.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  2. if we want to blame it on diseases then lets say what if most of your family members have OCD too? why u blaming them and not the OCD? makes sense?

  3. As-salamu Alaykum,
    Sister, you have posted before that you suffer from OCD. A lot of people here are not familiar with this condition, and the sad truth is that they are harming more than helping by posting their reassurances to you. I know you know what I am talking about. If you want to get better, you need to seek out treatment for the OCD. In order to do that, you should probably ask your husband to take you to a doctor...or just go yourself. There is treatment for this condition.

  4. Sister Sana, I'm still here for you ok. It's just that I'm very busy these days. Though I'd be available here in few days or a week inshaAllah. So please feel free to come back in few days if you have any questions inshaAllah, and I would be glad to assist you if I can ok inshaAllah.

    • You are a very good.person and a very good muslim for offering me help. This forum is now having people that attack.me so would be leaving it for now. If you could provide me an email I could contact you now and then and promise not to give you trouble and disturb you. If not I understand that as well.
      Thanks a lot brother I wish I had a real sibling like you in life

      • I feel Admin of this site should provide an option to have one and one communication between two members (like in this case Bro.Issah and Sana) without giving email IDs . Getting email ID will open a new fitnah . Please don't take it negatively i am talking in general sense . Bro can help her but without directly communication via email ID .. I think Bro.Issah's suggestions are helping her .

  5. sana im sorry to say but i think you need more counselling and more islamic knowledge about how to be patient and modest you seem to be agressive in a way and really loose....please better yourself maybe then things will change ,,,it seems as if somewhere somehow you are not sincere ,,,you want to be yes but where are the actions to prove it??? some lines you wrote are just cruel ,,,your ok with being cruel and saying its the past u repented what if your mom has the same psychological approach thats why things arent changing with her too??

  6. No Brother Issah. Please bear with me some more.I know I am troubling you with like I am really your sister and have a right on you to help me. You really want to help me and I am sure you get exasperated with my doubts. I promise to not.come back once I am.better and if I do come back it will inshAllah be with a better state of mind to the posters here that I am.better now.

    You wrote this: if the boyfriend you are referring told your mom the truth about what he felt about the other guy then based on that we can assume he would have also told the truth of what happened enter you and him ( ie physical closeness but not Zina
    I feel like by physcially closeness you meant he revealed the details but then you saw it makes.me restless so.you have changed your version. Is that what you mean brother Issah. Please help me

    So if we forget for a moment what I feel really happened ie I feel 99 percent he wouldn't tell sexual details to my mother other than give her the answer yes or no when asked.about zina. But if we forget what I feel about this and just go with what you think what would the answer be. Do you think a guy would reveal such embarassing details to a mother. Your answer will.give me peace and I will.go away from here since i.know.how irritating i can be with my mental problems

    • Ok, my dear sister Sana.

      By physical closeness, I actually meant informing your mum about the relationship alone, but not the details. To the best of my knowledge, I don't think guys could reveal such embarrassing details to a mother.

  7. Okay after seeing your clarification I feel relieved that you didn't mean that the boyfriend would go tell sexual details between me and him to my mother...the maximum he would have told is we had sex or not right Brother Issah?
    that's exactly what I was looking for. I fear that he has told her something like aunty we didn't do zina but we did this and this and it makes me ashamed to think that. My mom is abusive but still feel embarassed to think she knows such intimate details. I am.okay with the fact that she knows we didn't have sex and nothing more.
    Brother Issah what you meant by your previous post that said maybe my mum is aware of what happened between me and him and also know about the unbroken virginity. This statement is what makes me restless. It makes.me feel she was aware of the sexual details. It makes.me want to not see my face in the mirror.

    • What I meant is that, perhaps your mum was aware of your relationship (not the details). However, as for the unbroken virginity, it means what you said, ''She once mentioned to.me that many girls have a past and she's glad I remained a virgin. I don't know what she meant but she knows I didn't have sex.''

      Sister, you have 99% to follow, and that suffices as the only truth. So please ignore all doubts and follow that.

  8. Brother Issah it's D I am 99 percent sure he did not but just came here for validation because that 0.1 percent chance that he did makes me feel very restless and unable to relax. I am unable to choose the answer on my own and move on

    • Ok. so the answer is B and D. You are 99% certain that he did not reveal the details, however, you are still concerned of the other 0.1%. Well according to Islamic sharia principles, whenever there is a doubt between two issues, we are advised to act upon the one that we see more nearer to certainty. This principle is not practiced in Islam alone, but also in our various life affairs, such as at work places and homes.

      Therefore, my initial advice remains the same, I'd advice you to go with the 99%, that ''No'' he did not reveal the details to your mum. As for the 0.1%, it must join the 99% and makes it complete 100%, or simply ignore it, because the sharia principles says ''the certainty is not overthrown by doubt''

  9. AsSalaamu 'alaikum sister Sana786,

    I'm trying to completely understand what you really mean by 99.99% and 0.1%. Therefore please select one or more answers for the following question:

    Did the guy reveal such details to my mum?


    A. YES. I'm 99.99% certain that he did.
    B. YES. I'm 0.1% certain that he did.
    C. NO. I'm 0.1% certain that he did not.
    D. NO. I'm 99.99% certain that he did not.

    Selecting a particular answer/s and accepting it as the truth regarding what your mum knew, may help you personally to move on inshaAllah.

  10. how can you assume i havent been tested , dont make such assumptions and btw testing is something which has no soloution for something like having cancer when you choose to indulge in sex before marrige like you have then feel gult for it is not considered testing you seem too want find peace with in yourself by having someone tell you it wasnt zina and dont want to own up to your mistakes ... but whatever the past is the past stop thinking about it , satan wants you to keep thinking about it so it interferes with your ability to ask for repentance and getting close too allah also allah has blessed u with a nice husband soo now stop living in the past and start focusing on thanking allah more. always remember there are people who have it way worse and let that be a spark to motivate you in thanking allah

    • From the very deepest depths of my heart I ask Allah to test you also my dear sister in a way that will build your empathy toward other muslims suffering. You have chosen to put me down by saying harsh words first and then tried to mellow it by saying it's all in the past. I hope you are tested inshallah so that you become an even better person you will become empathic and all your arrogance about not committing sins in your youth would disappear Inshallah. Ameen

      • Sister Demise I apologize for the above comment I said it in anger. I.dont know what wrong with me. Please accept my apology. I didn't mean to be so harsh. I am not in a normal frame of mind. Please.let me get the help I am getting here and let's close this discussion between you and me.

        • Sister Sana786,

          I suggest that you ignore those who attack you and focus on the help that you are getting. Also, it is best that you see a counsellor in person for some time yet. The more understanding that you seek from people, I am sorry, will probably leave you hurt and feeling incomplete. Only Allah swt can understand you fully...and those with similar problems and/or empathy may understand you less than that. When you see a counsellor you will not have to face some of silly comments you see here.

          • Saba I was hoping someone would stand up for me. some comments are so hurtful and I am already not in a good frame of mind right now. Sister I am now scared to even open this website because I might see a new attack and it could make me spin further on self blame. I might not come back here but want to sat thank you for your advice and help. May Allah give you ajar for helping a sister in need. Yourself and many others have been so patient with me it's like I am talking to an old friend or a supportive sibling.
            I wish you could stay in touch with me through an email or something. You , Bro Issah , Midnight moon and of course some more others here have helped me tremendously and shown patience.

          • Sr. Sana,

            Become comfortable with yourself.

            Forgive yourself.

            Trust in Allah swt.

            Stop letting other people determine how you feel inside or what your worth is. When people rely on putting you down, it is because they are missing something inside or maybe that is the best they could offer. If their best isn't better than what it could be, why do you let that define you?

            Be happy. 🙂

            Allow yourself to feel the emotions but when it comes to relying on someone, only rely on Allah swt to Judge you because only He is worthy of it. So talk to Him. Ask Him. Cry to Him. Share your fears, sadness, regret with Him. He will understand without you speaking a word or thinking a thought.

  11. Thank you brother Issah. Thank you for not giving up on me despite my many mental issues. May Allah reward you for your help.
    Please help me others also with your comforting words.
    One thing that struck me is you said good outcomes cone out of bad experiences which we only see later. When i lost my first baby almost full term has to bury him etc very painful but that time slowly brought me closer to Allah I started praying regularly and used to be happy inspite of that pain of childlessness. If i had not gone through that I would never be as close to islam as I am today. The second time Even the top Dr's in NY told me my case is too risky so go for adoption. I went ahead bcoz I knew Allah is with me and a beautiful baby that surprised even the doctors that it went so well.
    so yes u see it.

    You said what I did is not real zina I wanted to hear this. Thanks

    I don't understand d what you meant by asking my mother. Is it something u meant sarcastically or do u feel I shud ask her . I don't know how to ask her it's embarassing.
    do you think if she knows then it's right for her to have disgust and hatred for me.
    How do I stop caring about the question whether she knows it doesn't know. I want to not care anymore. Its like 99.99 percent the guy would reveal such details and he wud have replied would be no we didn't sex . But I want to be okay with the 0.1% chance or a hypothetical chance that even if she knows I no longer care because is she sinless

    • No, sister Sana786.

      My question about asking your mum is real. As I didn't see any other way by which you could certainly know the answer without asking her directly. However, if you think this is impossible because of embarrassment, then I'd suggest that you choose the answer that carries the 99.99 percent.

      If the boyfriend you are referring to is the same guy (who was attracted to his male friend) who told your mum the truth about what he thought about his other guy, then based on that, we may assume that he might have also told your mum the truth about what really happened between you and him (i.e. the physical closeness to each other, but with no real zina).

      Therefore, your mum might have been aware of what happened between you and those boys, but at the same time aware of your unbroken virginity (which is something good that she might have been proud of you for, even if she didn't show it to you much). In fact, It doesn't make sense to think that, your mother would really hate you all your life for your few shortcomings that occurred over 20 years ago.

      Perhaps, your mum treated you badly solely because, that was (and still) her nature, and that it had nothing to do with what happened between you and those ex boyfriends.

      • But you said I should go with the 99.99% answer that he probably did NOT tell in details because that is also an answer that gives me some peace. On the other hand you say he would have probably told her when you know that's something I.will never know and makes me very restless.
        The guy was never attracted to another male he thought probably I was but why does that mean he would explain details. He was a hindu and he knew we had to break we had almost broken up by then because our parents opposition.

        I wish I wouldn't get more restless when i see a response like this one but I do. Maybe denise is right and I should be banned from posting here about my problem as some answers only make it worse than ever.

        • Sister Sana786, sorry for the mistake. I got confused when you said he was attracted to his friends (because I've always thought that male can only have male friends). Take it easy please! We are only here to help you, not to make things worse for you. This is why speaking to a psychologist directly is better, because it won't take time to notice and correct statements.

          In any case, I didn't mention that he told your mum details of what happened between you. But what we assume is that he told your mum about the relationship between you and the other guy. For example, he informed your mum that, Sana is dating this guy (without telling details of what happened). This is what I meant by choosing the 99.99%, but you actually meant the details.

          However, if you are certain 99.99%, that the guy revealed such details to your mum, I'd still advise you to accept it that way--swallowing the worst at once and moving on with life is better. As you said, you won't care whether your mum knew the details or not, so long as Allah Has forgiven you.

  12. how many times is this womens posts going to get published she asks the same stuff , how about posting posts of people who actually need help , what kind of reasurance is this women looking for ... move on already

    • Demise: Clearly you have not been tested as I have and hence your lack of empathy. I am going through a lot and have been through too much AND have been through much more. There's little I haven't seen already be it sexual abuse emotional abuse terrible parents incest stillbirth getting far away from Allah and then close again
      The worst thing I will say that I have faced so far is my mental problem for which I seek help from a psychologist but somethings I really feel help me is coming here and getting an opinion of many other muslims. I don't have good friends or good siblings or parental support. This is all I have. You really think banning my questions would let you sleep in peace sister ?
      And I wish you had not called me this woman and used my name.

  13. Thank you for your responses.

    I am happy that you have decided to help me again and posted your advice.
    To be honest in my heart of hearts I know inshallah Allah has forgiven me.
    My main concern is that which I.mentioned and the.answer to.that is impossible to get practically.
    I Would love for someone to.tell me in no nonsense terms that whatever I have done with the guy is not truly zina.
    That whatever I.went through was definitely form of abuse from my.parents.
    if my mother even knows about the things I have done in detail I shouldn't care because who is she to gold grudges when Allah has forgiven me.
    I.somehow feel like I cannot decode many things at this confused stage in life and it keeps me confused and wondering about things.

    Right now.my mind goes numb and whenever I am.intimate with my husband I go back and think.about what happened with the boyfriend 20 years back and its.not.guilt.because I.spent years doing tauba already it's just the feeling in my head about does.my mother know did he.tell her we did.this.
    I want to feel convinced that probably he hasn't told her such a thing or that even if he has she has No right to.continously abuse me.
    I.dont know where to.go guys for this answer. It might be my ocd or devil trying to take over me. I just cant rest in peace. If he has told her I feel like aah then i deserve all the abuse.
    She once mentioned to.me that many girls have a past and she's glad I remained a virgin. I.dont know what she meant but she.knows i.I.didnt have sex.

    In my quest to find an answer I have done more sin by trying to contact the hindu guy so he can tell.me he.hasnt told her anything. Fortunately or unfortunately he has ignored my.message on Facebook.

    Brother Jaaz thanks for saying that my parents have treated me terribly. It feels very Very validating to know that it was abuse.

    • I think sister Midnightmoon has already given you correct meanings of the term ''zina''.

      There are two typs of zina. One involves penetration (this is called ''a real zina'' which requires sharia physical punishment in this world), and the other one involves only going near zina through any of its forms, but without penetration (this is called ''a metaphorical zina'' which requires no sharia physical punishment in this world).

      However, if you still need a direct answer, then based on the information you provided (in your previous posts) regarding what happened between you and your two past boyfriends, it was actually a metaphorical zina (which means you went near zina, and committed a metaphorical zina, but not the real zina).

      As for whether the guy told your mum or not, the best way to find out is to ask your mum directly to tell you what she knows about your relationship with that guy, and whether the guy told her something that she didn't reveal to you? If she will respond, then you may also ask her to honestly list for you all the bad things that she knew about you (from when she gave birth to you till now), and whether they were the cause of why she treated you badly?

      Hope the answer is clear to you now inshaAllah, and Allah Ta'ala knows best.

  14. AsSalaamu 'alaikum Sister Sana786,

    Nice to see you again. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala ease your difficulties. Ameen.

    1. You are asking whether the Abuse by your brothers is connected to the lack of respect your parents showed you?

    2. You want to know whether you were completely innocent, because you are confused about your reactions and responses to the abuse and affairs back then?

    3. You are not certain whether what happened was abuse or not. And if it was abuse and not your fault, then you are confused about why you should deserve what your parents did to you?

    Dear sister,

    There may be some answers to issues in our past which may seem difficult to find. Not because the answers aren't there to find, but mostly because we are either asking the wrong questions, or simply because we have already decided, behind our minds, what we want the answers to be.

    Also, we may want to know whether we were innocent back then or not, in order that we may find excuses to define who we are and why we should not live on this earth. However, the right question should be, ''How can we utilize our past experiences (either negative or positive) in our current life to make a big change or improvement, for today and for the future?''

    I am sure that when you start thinking of the matter this way, you will find bunch or positive things to engage your life in (which may include thinking to give your children what your parents didn't give you, and providing them with necessary Islamic education to prevent them from abusing others or being abused by others. As you may also think of setting up a small organization to help other parents or other victims whom have been in similar situations--also, learning to become a psychologist yourself could help you in particular, and those that you impact on their lives with your experience and knowledge).

    And please remember that, regardless of how bad your past may seem to you (whether you were completely innocent or not, and whether you were truly guilty or not), your entire bad past is always like a negative one (-1), and simply asking Almighty Allah for forgiveness is like a positive one (1) in your current life. Therefore, a positive one plus a negative one is equal to zero (1 + -1 = 0)--zero means, you are innocent and free from past sins and mistakes. So now, you can create a positive life and continue improving it (from 0, 1, 2,3, 4, 5,6,7,,, ) by getting more closer to Almighty Allah and then doing more good deeds, inshaAllah. And the more you improve your life positively, the more your life becomes positive and certainly incomparable with your negative past, inshaAllah. This is supported by the saying of Almighty Allah:

    '' Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful. And he who repents and does righteousness does indeed turn to Allah with [accepted] repentance. ''
    (Quran 25: 70-71)

    When we pay close attention to much of the wisdom that Almighty Allah places behind our life experiences, we may notice that most of our bad experiences and failures (whether by our fault or not) may be actually causes to our positive improvements in our current or future life. This would become visible to us only when we honestly use our insight while asking the right questions... Focusing and relying on our bad past and pains, or on questions about whether we were innocent or not, mostly is a negative thought. And such negative thoughts plus our negative past experiences are always equal to negative results and double failures (e.g -1- + -1 = -2, and -1 + -2 = -3, and -3 + -1 = -4,,, ). However, positive thoughts (which comes after asking for forgiveness of Allah and being on the zero or innocent level) is always equal to positive result/s. (e.g. 1 + 0 =1, and 1 + 1 = 2, and 1 + 2 = 3 etc). That is how you move on with life for peace and success, inshaAllah!

    Please read the following surah (Quran 94: 1-8) and place yourself and your situating in it. By Allah, you should feel as though Almighty Allah was speaking to you directly and addressing your situation; reminding you of His unconditional blessings upon you, promising you of ease and guidance, and advising you on what to do.

    In the name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.

    1. Did We not soothe your heart?
    2. And lift from you your burden (the actual pain of the abuse).
    3. Which weighed down your back (from when you were young)?
    4. And raised for you your reputation (by giving you a good husband, a good baby, and a good marital home, without disgracing you for your past sins or mistakes or abuse)?
    5. With hardship comes ease.
    6. With hardship comes ease.
    7. When your work is done, turn to devotion.
    8. And to your Lord turn for everything.
    (Quran 94: 1-8)

    Hardships are of various forms, and yours could be your past sins, mistakes, or abuse, and the promised-ease for you, is forgiveness from Allah and peacefulness in your heart. However, in order to receive this promised-ease, you need to do the following duties wholeheartedly:

    1. Ask Allah for forgiveness, and strengthen your relationship with Him every day and night.

    2. Think positive about yourself, and trust that Allah Has forgiving you, inshaAllah.

    3. Do good deeds, and more through charitable deeds.

    4. Establish your religious obligatory duties and nawaafil (through midnight prayers/tahajjud, day and night dhkr, and plus reading the Holy Quran most of your free times).

    5. Educate yourself with Islamic knowledge (e.g. 'Aqeedah, Fiqh, Quran, Hadith, Seerah, etc). You may do that through online Islamic lessons, DVDs/CDs, or through your husband or local masjid, inshaAllah.
    By following the above guidance, inshaAllah you should be able to receive the promised-ease and happiness, which The Almighty Allah Has for you in exchange of your pains and difficulties that were resulted through your past experiences.

    I think this is the best way to attain peace and benefit from our bad experiences in life. Although, we may still ask many questions to present excuses that may make us dwell in our past and pains, and find no reason to improve and achieve success and better life, but despite that, we certainly know with our insight that this is the clear solution to our problems. And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:

    '' And man will be evidence against himself. Even as he presents his excuses.''
    (Quran 75: 14-15)

    May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless us with wisdom and insight to recolonize realities of our issues and embrace them. Ameen!

    Hope this helps inshaAllah, and Allah Ta'ala knows best.

  15. Actually I was assured these days it's not Zina because zawaj.com takes time to post the queries and in between I had asked other places and read more on this subject

    • Assalaamualaikam

      My understanding is that the term 'zina' can be used in two main contexts. When we consider the laws regarding the punishment for fornication and adultery, the term is used to refer specifically to these acts, but there is also a wider context in which the term includes aspects of zina which would not be punished to the same degree, but which we still need to be wary of and avoid - and for which we still need to repent. It is recorded that The Prophet (peace be upon him) said "The zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the tongue is speaking..." (Bukhari).

      Remember, Allah is Most Merciful and has promised us that He will forgive our sins if we offer wholehearted repentance. We can't change our pasts, but we can change how we approach our futures.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

  16. Thank you so much for responses.

    one thing that makes me very confused is brother Jaaz saying it was zina when many other websites and even here I read Zina is only penetration which never happened in my case.

    I know its the past it's all forgiven by Allah with sincere repentance but I really need to know the right answer. I know difference between minor and major zina but have read in too many places that actual zina is intercourse. Hope someone sheds a light on this soon

  17. Salam dear sister, all I have to say on your post is I shall pray for you in every namaz. Your life-story is very much like mine. But Alhamdulillah I am much at ease now not because I got all answers but just because I did LET GO. Cause we can't change our past.
    May ALLAH ease out your pain too. I know
    it's difficult to let go of worst past memories. But try not to recall. Make yourself busy in some healthy activities or have some job. The more you scratch, the more you'll be hurt. I know it's easy to suggest, but trust me i've been through the same. I've read all your previous posts and this time couldn't remain to answer, in fact I found out that I was not alone in this big ugly world, people like you or many others are there. Let's just consider the same that you are not alone who has faced ill circumstances like these. PLEASE LET GO... don't waste your life struggle. Don't give explanations to your parents or to anyone. It's only YOU who can help yourself. Once cry out all that you have in your heart before ALLAH, even what you have posted here and then let go. In life we don't get all answers, even I didn't.
    All rape, sexual and abuse cases are as ugly as you have mentioned. Now you have a pious husband, a cute son. Cherish the beautiful world and life now. Don't punish your beautiful current relations for the ugly so-called real ones. What do you think if you end up your life with suicide and let your son leave alone in the same world to go through all what you had (God forbid)... forget daughter and sister. You are a wife and mother now. don't give these relations another trial, cause you already have had enough. I will again focus PLEASE LET GO!

    Take care

    • Listen to this advice Sr. Sana.

      So many horrible things happen in the lives of people--even people that you wouldn't expect to have a difficult and painful past.

      You have a loving husband and family of your own now. Let go of the past to make room for a better future. And if you can't let go, ask Allah swt to help you.

      • Yes that's true sister Saba. Thank you.
        For a couple of days I.suddenly felt free in my.mind. i.was like.okay if she knows she knows.who cares but again today I started to struggle.

    • Thank you perische. I was doing okay until these terrible thoughts about feeling ashamed.and feeling like the abuse was well deserved it my mother knows. I.dont know where to go.how.to.relieve this.one thought. I just somehow.want to.be assured that my mother does.not.know but.its impossible to.find.out.
      I.am.sorry for your hard life too
      I hope I find peace like you did

  18. P.s please reply to my post I wish to know your thoughts.

    • Your words are so.comforting thank.you for taking the time.to.respond.
      Thanks more than anything for the validation about my parents.

  19. Asalaam Walaikum Sister in Islam. May Allah SWT Bless You with goodness in this life but most importantly the Akhirah....Ameen!!!

    Reading the entire article is sad tbh I can't really even put it into words what I have just read. Yes seeing a counseller will do you good only as they are professionals and can help you HOWEVER there is only really one counsellor we all need to turn to ... ALLAH!

    Sister in Islam your life has had a trial and tribulations ... no doubt they have scarred you for life but nothing happens in this world without the knowledge of Allah. The people who abused you will all stand before Allah and account for their mistakes and hurt they caused you.

    Yes what you did with your boyfriend is Zina but Allah is the ever most forgiving turn to him and repent ... Repent with sincerity and firm belief he has forgiven you and you will be forgiven this is the condition of repentance. We all commit sins Big and Small and sometimes its the sins we commit that make us grow closer to Allah SWT.

    I will be honest and May Allah forgive me and protect me if I am wrong to say this ... But your parents are disgraceful. People treat dogs better than they have treat you ... and these are so called parents, In Islam great ammount of respect is to be shown to your parents however I can't see how you can show them anything, the fact you still try to stay in contact is great character and may Allah reward you for it dearly. As always keep making du'a for them for them to change their ways Insha'Allah, maybe something went wrong in their lives also for them to treat you like this Allahu Alam. May Allah guide them.

    Please take the following advice with great importance, Honestly speak to an Imam or a scholar about you distancing yourself completely from your entire family because now that you are a mother Masha'Allah (and may Allah make you the best mother to these children) you have to protect your children, the last thing you want is for your Abusive Uncles/Brothers or parents to somehow damage your childrens lives Mentally and god forbid physically. Please speak to Imam or scholar about this ... I am a nobody and have no knowledge on this matter so seek advice from the knowledgable.

    As always Allah knows best and keep praying to him and I will pray for you aswell Sister. Allah has said he will repay every soul what it has earned so everyone who has done you harm will be judged for their actions accordingly so please take great comfort in that.

    Suicide ... Please dont even give it another thought. This is all that Shaytaan wants ... Alhamdulillah you have your life in order now with a beautiful husband and beautiful children its probably the worse time to leave mainly as you seem soo close to your creater now. Everyone has past sins or traumas but look to the future and Insha'Allah it will be a beautiful one. Give no thought to this matter sister and turn to Allah and ask forgiveness for thinking like this and Insha'Allah the outlook on life will change. Be here to serve your Husband and Children to the best of your ability and Insha'Allah Jannah will be your abode.

    May Allah Bless you with a beautiful marriage and pious Children. May he Make you the best Mother to your children and make the children the coolness of your eyes ... Ameen!

    May Allah forgive me if I said anything wrong and please make du'a for me aswell. We all need our Brothers and Sisters to pray for us. Asalaam Walaikum.