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Depressed.

Salam to everyone. My story is quite long because it is a quite complicated situation. My parents had a bicultural marriage with many problems, starting in my childhood. My brother is handicapped with autism. My mother is from an unstable, pious and poor Muslim family which escaped to Germany when my mom was 16.

She met my father during her studies of medicine and married him. He had to convert to Islam, but did not practice it after all.  Afterwards, she realized he has terrific hygiene, doesn't want to have sex (no interest in women) and she stayed with him, having chosen him for his academic credentials only, because he was the best student in uni. Her family situation was difficult and she wanted to escape.

She told me they stopped having physical relations after the children.  She planned to have  two children with him, but my brother  turned out  handicapped; that's when my father started to blame her, and didn't really want his kids any longer.

At that time, I did poorly in primary school, and he beat me onto my back and scolded me, even once writing a letter to my mom rejecting me as his kid, which she read out to me. My mother wished so much for a son and out of disappointment and grief that my brother was sick she couldn't tolerate to see him any longer. So my brother was taken care of by a close family friend, a nurse, who took care of him until he was ten.

When we both reached puberty, problems got worse, my mother started to realize she is all alone, without a real husband (like always) and started to backbite him a lot and chose me as an ally against him. I was young and pitied my mother, saw her crying a lot. She saw she was alone and when we were in her country of origin on holiday, my step-cousin told her he wanted to study engineering abroad, and asked her to help him to get out of the country. His mother wanted to make all of us mahram to each other.  So they read a small Nikah between me and him, we liked each other, but that was all. My mother told me it was just formal, for getting to know each another.

However, we started to be intimate at that time (no sex). I was 14, and he was 19. So a few months later he came into my family and migrated to Germany, which my mom didn't discuss with my dad. My dad hated him from the beginning, blaming him for having never been asked by my mom. My mom started to love and pamper him like a son, which I considered to be weird sometimes.

When he came here, I didn't want to be with him any longer, I felt too young for that kind of thing as it was deadly serious from his side. So I kept on studying, getting my GCSE and studying languages, whereas he was busy studying as well. My mom paid for everything during his studies, not even demanding anything from his family.  The situation at home got worse, with my step-cousin categorically replacing my dad, taking care of my sick brother, cleaning him, taking care of his  screaming tantrums, helping my mom doing chores etc.

My dad is in general despotic and loud, with no real respect for my mom. So when I was 20 I planned to study in another city. At that time, I had formed a relationship with my step-cousin, and my mom had told me your father is not keen on helping you financially a lot, having paid my driving license involuntarily with many discussions. So me and Ahmad moved together to study. He paid all living expenses, my dad contributed 400 Euros for food stuffs and drinks etc.  for which I had to be grateful; I always had to be grateful for money.  The city is very expensive, so it was not much.

To keep a long story short, my mother constantly turned up with my family, with her interfering and constantly defending Ahmad, calling me disobedient, why he was working at home that's my duty etc. So he transgressed  more and more boundaries, although before he came into my family he was peaceful and independent, with no father and his mother working all day. My mother defended him more and more, which led him to give me a slap into the face. My mom still defended him, accused me of having provoked him.

And then the nightmare started. He lost all of his respect for me, there were incidents of threats, pushing, beating, calling me girl without protection. I was devastated, asked my parents several times to help me get out. At the same time, I faced severe bullying at uni, causing stress and social anxiety I kept until today. My dad said he's got his own problems, I was sent back to my husband, he would change, they said. It had gotten worse, with Ahmad without family here in the West and plenty of stress at uni taking advantage of the situation, and, as he admitted later on, having been influenced by my parents and their way of dealing with aggression, the interference of my mom etc.

The last time I went to them was a nightmare, Ahmad had lost all his respect for me. My dad called me disobedient and disrespectful.  He handed over his old car to Ahmad as it was planned, of course Ahmad had paid insurance and expenses for it. Later on he spread that he gave the car to his daughter. I had to contact friends, women's shelter, etc for 4 months, having been left alone. My mom  said I have to return, without him I would be lost and he would be happy. I have to admit Ahmad was good-looking, a great cook and pious before he came into my family. I had left home, all alone.

A few months later, when I had returned, my dad who didn't even care about my absence wanted to give me some medication  against  anxiety disorders, talking to me as if I was sick. My parents from that time started holding together as they never did before. They pretended I was the problem, for not returning to Ahmad and for being such a sissy. They even told a friend who tried to reconcile between us that my perception was distorted. I was not good at uni, and they accused me of having run away from uni, not from violence. I refused to take the pills, thought of taking a lawyer against them.

I left home the second time, realizing I don't have money for a lawyer.  So they agreed together to give in and rent an apartment for me. I was only in there for 3 months, my mom paying everything. When she had run out of money, as she said, i had to go back to study and again shouldn't be afraid of Ahmad. My dad hadn't paid anything for the apartment. All my mom. She took me to a religious pilgrimage and told me that in life, even if I'm lonely God is there to help me and she didn't have a place to escape either etc.

I didn't want to study for the third year, I didn't like economics  and didn't do well. She forced me to enroll for the third year and I had to return to our common apartment, the incident was covered completely for all relatives. When I had told my grandmother who had always been supportive that I wanted to leave him, she hung up on me, later on she said there are plenty of more beautiful women than me waiting for him in Iraq.

When I returned, Ahmad fell down on his  knees, apologized and we did a couple therapy together. For one year, our common life, with the complete exclusion of my parents, worked perfectly. We loved each other so much, it almost hurt. Only once did my parents see us during that time for dinner, but they only talked to Ahmad about his PhD, being utterly proud of his success, ignoring me.

After 2 years, we got married, being in love, and for his naturalization. My parents and family were not present, for I didn't want them there, for leaving me no choice. It worked perfectly ever since, with complete equality and respect, no shouting, apart from when he goes to Iraq and then returns unsatisfied, because of the cultural clash. I told him to stay here in Germany, with me, and he agreed and wants to become naturalized. He treated me well ever since, and now I'm pregnant. We wished for that baby and since I'm pregnant I don't have to work at home; he got his PhD and he cooks and cleans and listens to all my concerns.

But my parents reacted weird: My mom first behaved as if  it is her kid, telling me I have to live like her, and now I can never go away from my husband as I have a kid. When I told her that he treated me badly once, she said now that you have a kid the husband is no longer important and if I have a sick child like her, I have to take it as she did. She made me hate my child and for a few weeks, I've only been sobbing. I thought of abortion and dream at night that I'm in a prison, with my child and my mom laughing at me.

Somehow although divorce is always an option in Islam, I feel trapped and suffer from nightmares. 2 days ago my mom called and my parents are not interested if I'm happy. They never ask. If I complain, I'm sick and abnormal. She said I have to be happy, since this is the sweetest time of my life. It was over. I broke off contact with her, being deeply hurt by the past, and afraid of the future, with nobody apart from Ahmad and a few friends.

He treats me like a queen now, but even if he beat me up, they wouldn't care. Meanwhile whenever she calls I say I'm well and she says: At least the two of you are well, just be well please. Like an order. I have started hating my mother, my parents and I can't talk to them as they hang up the phone or say I'm abnormal.  I can't work, have social anxiety and feel I was not ready for marriage and children. But I was sent back to Ahmad and now I'm here living a life I'm not really ready for, with social deficits that make my marriage difficult sometimes.

I have the impression my husband replaces my father. Ahmad wants children so badly and I loved the thought as well, but not as much as he did. He says he will take care of the child and do everything, I shouldn't worry too much. I feel my parents have taken advantage of Ahmad, but he doesn't really see that. He says I'm his life, and that he doesn't have anybody but me. He hates my parents as well, but he says he loves me. Though, at the beginning of my pregnancy, he even wanted me to abort it, saying I wouldn't be a responsible mom with my social deficits and anxiety. but then he changed his mind, saying God helps us.

I often asked him why he wants kid with me, as many other women don't have autism in their genes. He said he considered it and then that he never wanted kids with me. It is a lie, he was jealous of all people having children. I feel the whole situation is pathological and sick, and don't know about the future of my offspring. I don't want to feel like I'm imprisoned, but since I fell pregnant, I thought of committing suicide, ending my life, that there is no hope, with the comments of my mom making it worse. I am not happy about that baby any longer, and I feel everything around me is black. I feel that death is more pleasant than the future with a man I need so badly, because I don't have real parents. He is everything I have and I'm emotionally so dependent on him, I feel this is not healthy for me.

I was in hell, without baby, civil marriage and faced domestic violence. I didn't get help. I already told my mom I have honor and will never seek her help ever again in my life. Whenever there is a divorce in the family, she keeps defending the man, calling women disobedient and even defending violence as the fault of the woman's wrong behaviour. My father always referred to my student apartment as my new home, and I feel so abandoned. They helped us move house, just to get rid of me. After my civil marriage, he just called me and said now Ahmad has to take care of you completely (as if he had ever really done that) , I'm no longer responsible in Muslim culture. I hand you over to your husband as your grandfather handed your mother over to me.

I want to cry, sob and feel so lonely, my husband doesn't understand me any longer. He tries to help me as much as he can, but since I got pregnant, He has become my therapist, my husband, my father, my mother and my home cleaner. My mother is very pious and somehow I started to associate Islam with submission in marriage. I stopped praying Salah because I feel that my individuality as a woman has been spoiled by my Muslim background. My mom tells me to read Quran, tolerate misbehaved husbands and never get divorced. Yesterday my parents called and my non-Muslim father talked about rights of grandparents and he will take consequences.

My mother is sitting in front of the TV every day and listens to her religious TV programs without any connection to reality.  I have suppressed everything that happened in order to continue and now its eating me up. Every night I dream of my father's comment years ago: "We didn't have luck with children."  When I had a car accident some time ago, he didn't ask about my health, he was just rolling his eyes like you're really stupid  and asked if the car is damaged.  Am I so worthless? Is there nothing lovable about me?  I have a finished profession. How will they respect me as a mother when they don't take me seriously now?

My husband has the highest respect in my family now, with his doctorate. Everybody expects me to serve guests, look nice, socialize and smile. I don't feel well  in that role. I always thought they still view me as a child, what am I doing wrong then in communicating with them?  Many young people at my age still live at home, dependent on their parents.  I don't have those social skills though.

My social anxiety is especially difficult with Middle Eastern people, it makes me nervous as they expect me to be extrovert and I'm not.  My family treats me like a sick person, which is killing me.  Even my husband says now and then I will take the child and take care of it, it will love me more than you.

I feel this is the end of my life.    Sometimes I think its wrong to have a kid with someone from a different culture, and the fact my mom is so happy about the child and the fact its a Seyyed, descendant from the holy Prophet, makes me more aggressive. I feel I have never taken one decision for myself in my life and my anxiety problem gets worse. Please help me and give me advice, as much as possible, I don't like my life any longer and suffer from severe  depression. I feel my only salvation is ending my life.

- Layla1985