He tricked me and used me for sex
Betrayal by a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences in life.
Salam
I am in a desperate situation and need some advice. Last year i went onto a matrimonial site and met my ideal partner whom i wished to marry islamically. I have had a relationship with him for over a year and i repeatedly asked him to marry me as we may commit a sin. He kept saying to me that he was single and he would ask his mother about marrying me but she is not contactable at the moment as she has gone to the village in pakistan to sort out some problems but will ask as soon as she returns.
Months went by and i kept asking him if he had spoke to his mother and he kept saying that he would and then went on to say that he had spoken to his mother and she wasn't happy but he wanted to marry me and would speak to her again and again. He reassured me that all would be fine and we would marry.
After about 10 months when i became attached to him and he had broken my viginity through forcing me and as he is a strong man holding me down. At the time i didnt realise he was breaking my viginity until i stated bleeding and in pain. He still kept seeing me and after another couple of months went by he broke the news to me that he is married but his wife and he have been separated for over a year and a half as she had him arrested for domestic violence.
Hence he also has a daughter and all the time that he had been seeing me he was seeing her as well and trying to make up with her for his daughters sake. In other words he used me to fulfill his sexual needs while his wife wasn't.
I am now so depressed at what has happened and although i know he has used me i am in love with him and we are still meeting each other, but i have refused for him to touch me at all. The past few weeks i have been feeling suicidal and feel my life has ended. What should i do? Should he marry me and keep his first wife, divorce his first wife, or should he leave me?
I feel disgusted as he has knocked my confidence so much that i cannot marry another man and fulfil my islamic duty to marry. I have made his wife aware of the fact that he has other relationships but she doesn't belive me. What should i do????
Wsalam
- honest and sincere
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I feel for you deeply, theres nothing worst than being lied to an tricked. your, story made me look at my relationship with a man i also met online. It worries me that he too might be like the man you were involve with but i wont o anything i regret with him until were married. No one dserves to be used like that and I encourage you to pray for forgivness an forgivness for him. It wasnt your fault that he tricke you and i woulnt beat yourself up about it. Insha Allah everything will be ok.
PLease pray for me as this was my second attemp on the internet only that the first man i met was genuine and respected me. I am tierd of looking for marriage and being let down all the time.
As-salamualaikum,
when your whole relationship was a lie and a betrayal, how can you say you love him? You only love what you imagined or wanted him to be. Don't ever marry someone if you already know that he is a liar, cheater, or betrayer before marriage. You are going to be setting yourself in a abusive trap. You already know what he is capable of, do you know it is going to be worse after marriage? Living with such a person, when you love him, and expect a husband to be loving, kind, and faithful? It will hurt even more after marriage when your HUSBAND abuses/mistreats you. His first wife had him arrested for domestic violence. You could very likely be next if you marry him. He already has no respect for you as he forced himself upon you.
Saying that he could not talk to his mother when she was gone to the village should have been a warning sign for you. Are'nt there telephones in the worl? Isn't there internet communication? I know people from rural areas who have relatives here in the West who call on phone/chat on internet. One reason they allow/raise their sons to go West is for money. Money brings phones and computers.
Your intention was good but He forced you. One mistake that you did make was to meet him alone before marriage. The other important thing is to check on the guy's personality from as many people as you can. He forced you, Allah knows your heart and intentions. Repent, and don't think sad and depressive thoughts because of such a low human being.
Isn't it cruel to break another woman's house by asking her husband to divorce her for you? Even having a relationship with a married man? A father? It didn't feel good when you found out he had a wife, did it? What if you found out your husband is divorcing you for another woman. I feel bad for you being used by him and for his innocent wife who still doesn't believe her husband cheated on her.
May Allah give you a good husband who loves you. Why can't you get married. He forced you, you are innocent. You have every right to search for a good partner.
dear sister cut off all ties with him. he is a bad man. he will ruin your life. he already has caused enough harm to you. seek refuge in forgiveness from Allah. repent for what you have done wrong.
you are setting yourself up to be exploited again and gain, if you continue to talk to him you will loose this feeling of being abused and will actually start thinking that you are worth abusing.it will not be easy for you but you can do it.
the pure fact that you have asked for help on this forum shows that you want to end it, you are just too clouded with emotions right now and cant think for yourself. we all are here to help you. STOP seeing him or talking to him. he is ruining your life. he is not your well wisher . he does not love you.
once people commit sins, they feel they need to live upto that sin, trying to bring something legal and good out of sin and wrong they have been doing. but sister only way to stop this cycle is to detach yourself from the environment and the person who is compelling you to do so.
look after yourself. dont feel despair. Allah will help you inshallah.
friend
dear sister i recommend tht u dont contact him anymore..he is not worth u...Allah will give u someone much better ,who will love u for what u r...don't even tell him that ur leaving him...once or twice u do it...soon u will become habitual..i promise u...tc
Dear girl,
Forget him now. He is a rotten apple. He had USED you and FORCED you to have sex with him. That only means that he is your FALSE LOVE. He is not even your friend.
Your so-called boyfriend USED you and LIED to get whatever he wanted from you -- and that showed his contempt for you. You can't see that because you are blinded by love. Love blinds you to his faults or his dark side. You can't see none of that when you are lovesick and blinded by excessive love for that man.
That man who used you for sex is a PARASITE for free sex.
Look at how he had treated you. He caused you misery. He stole your heart and not returned your love. You love him but he does not love you back. He is a sexual parasite who made you believe his lies - even sweetest lies that he cooed you with. He paid you compliments on your looks and wooed you with his charm. All along, he saw you only as his side of fun. He was just having fun with you, not a real affair with you.
As soon as he had sex with you, he immediately told you the news his marriage. He had his secret from you. How deceitful he was.
Face the fact, he had never loved you all along. He was just fooling you around and getting free sex. He gave you nothing in return for your love -- . nothing but misery, lies, empty promises.
If you think that he would ever marry you, forget it. He WON'T ever marry you, by the look of it all.
He is selfish toward you and he doesn't care how he is ruining your life. Cut all ties with him. It is not his heart that you'll be breaking; it is his pride that you can break. Remember you can break his heart because he has none.
Save your self-respect. Forget that phony boyfriend of yours.
Look on the bright side. There is always a true love for everyone. True love is always around the corner. Nearer than you think.
Save yourself for the TRUE LOVE, who is to come into your life, however soon or later. That true love is the one who is going to treat you with the REAL love, REAL care and REAL respect. He is to be many times better than all your expectations. Let God choose a soulmate for you, one that is divinely matched to you.
True love does NOT ever force you to have sex with him.
True love does NOT ever use you for his sexual gratification.
True love does NOT ever lie or make excuses just to get any sex from you.
True love always cares about how you feel.
When you see the next man, hold on to your self-respect. If he is your true love, he can afford to WAIT for sex til wedding night. Consider the motto: TRUE LOVE WAITS.
Dear Sister,
Something made me cry today; the following story was narrated to me. When Aisha(ra) was wrongly accused of committing zina, and her husband, our beloved Rasool(saw) came to know of it (through tale telling), do you know what he(saw) said to her? He said to her, 'I have been informed of such and such about you; if you are innocent, then Allah will soon reveal your innocence and if you have committed a sin, then repent to Allah and ask Him for forgiveness, for when a person confesses his sin and asks Allah for forgiveness, Allah accepts His repentance.'
SubhaanAllah, Sister! Allah's Rasool(saw) counselled his own beloved wife Aisha(ra), reminding her if she had sinned, all she had to do was repent and Allah would forgive her! So much mercy? From a husband to his wife regarding zina? He(saw) hears his own wife may have cheated on him and what does he do? He(saw) counsels her. SubhaanAllah...if the extent of our Prophet(saw)'s beautiful character does not bring tears to one's eyes, what will? Sister - this advice applies to you too. If you have sinned do not despair of the Mercy of Allah. Allah will forgive you if you stop, seek forgiveness and vow to never return to that sin. Do not ever think of taking your life. It is a gift from Allah. Would you be so ungrateful as to refuse a gift from Allah?
This is life is a constant test. if you fail one test, Allah gives you another test, because he wants you to pass. So get up and start again before Allah(swt) takes your life and you do not have the choice of repenting. But each failed test has consequences, hence your depression and loss of confidence. You need to repent and strive. If you were forced upon by this man, this would not constitute the act of zina; but you should still do tawbah for the other sins surrounding your relationship with this man. Please do not think of anything like suicide, it will give you nothing but eternal misery.
You are on earth to worship Allah and part of that means you will be tested; you will fall, but the point is you get up and learn from your mistakes and do better on your next test. Eventually you will rise, but you must MUST make the effort to get to the top. How?
Stop meeting this man or you will fall in to sin again - or he may force himself upon you again.
1. A simple glance - the seed falls.
2. Another look - the seed is sewn.
3. A exchange of sweet words - the seed is watered.
4. Spending time together - the seed begins to grow.
5. Hormones begin to fly - the seeds becomes firm in the ground.
6. The bed is shared - the tree begins to show itself.
The only one of these 6 things that is not a sin, is the first glance. Everything that happens after this has lead to the state you are in now, because you chose to make it happen. So throw away the first look! Of course it will pain you, but thats what happens when we try to take charge of our nafs. Its like taking a bitter pill and is difficult to swallow, but with patience and perseverance it will become sweet and easier.
***
a) You asked, should you marry him? He betrayed you and encouraged you to grossly disobey Allah. So do you think this makes good marriage material? Would you recommend someone like him to your sister for marriage? I think you know the answer to this.
b) You asked what should you do? As a Muslim sister to you, I will say to you, do immense tawbah for disobeying Allah and repair your relationship with Him(swt). Thank Him(swt) greatly for saving your honour infront of the people and for saving you from marrying such a bad character.
c) You asked, should he divorce his first wife? That is none of your business. You have done wrong for telling his wife that he committed adultery. Although your information maybe technically 'true', we are obligated to conceal our own sins and other's sins too. There are some exceptions to this ruling, so you may want to seek advice from a qualified Imam regarding this.
InshAllah, make tawbah, make the effort to better yourself. InshAllah, when you are feeling stonger and are striving in Allah's way, He(swt) will bless you with a good husband.
Please also remember, while you have food, health, a roof over your head and lots more, so many people around the world are suffering due to natural disasters or man made disasters. They dont have any clean water, or clothes or shelter, they dont know where their next meal is going to come from and they still have faith. So please put things into perspective. Your life is one of millions of others, and you are actually so much more better off materially than alot. What you have been through is not pleasant, but it is either a test or a punishment, or even a blessing in disguise - all or part as result of your own deeds. So sit back and look at the state of the world you live in - is there anything that you can do to relieve someone else of their poverty, of their hunger, of the injustices they are suffering? Do something better with your life. You are more worthy, you are a Muslim woman.
SIsterZ
IslamicAnswers.com, Editor
I really liked your well thought out and balanced answer. It's easy to point fingers and lay blame, but to break down the issue and look at it with a clear head, without getting caught up in the emotion, it really allows you to view things from a different perspective. I hope Inshallah the sister will have sabr and most importantly turn to Allah SWT during this diffcult period in her life. In all times both good & bad, remember Allah. We are all given tests by Allah, and to get through them, we must always turn to Him for mercy, guidance and sabr.
Assalamu,alaikum,
Sister honestand sincere, this is absolutely terrible what this man has done to you. Men like him give every Muslim man a bad name and does a disservice to Islam.
Sister, you have not said anything positive about this man that would warrant you even considering marrying him or still being in love. Everything that he has told you is a lie. If there were even a hint of goodness in this man then maybe I could understand why you might want to marry him.
Let's go over some of the thing's that he has told you that are not true. First off he told you that he was single. He was trying to make up with his wife will still seeing you. The other thing that should have been a warning sign is that he has been arrested for domestic violence.
What is most upsetting is how you describe how he forced himself on you. You say that he broke your virginity. Sister, if you are saying that you were forced to have sex, that means that he raped you!!!!!!! That is a crime. He should be arrested.
What I would say to you is stay far away from him. He is a liar and is no good for any woman in his current condition. Insha'allah one day he will be guided to the right path but as of now I would stay away. If you have to change your phone number and e-mail address then do so.
Sister, I know you are hurting. You didn't do anything wrong. This man lied and manipulated you. I would suggest that you find a counselor to help you with your depression and eliminate the thoughts of suicide. You sound like a very nice young lady who has so much to offer the right person. A counselor can help you regain your self esteem. Suicide is never the answer.
The most important thing that you need to do before seeking out counseling from anyone is ask Allah(swt) for forgiveness. Ask him to guide you to the correct path towards him. Doing this is a must. Without his guidance no of us have anything.
Insha'Allah you will take the advice of some of the people who have written to you on this site. You deserve better than what this man has put you through. If you feel the need to write a few more lines to us then by all means do so. But remember turn to Allah first.
Your Brother in Islam
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Brother
In my current state i am having difficulty in doing things and i am not sure i am reply to your message or not. However what i wanted to ask is how can i forget this man. Is there a dwa i can read to forget him.
Believe it or not this man contacted me recently and i told him that i was really depressed and felt suicidal so he told me to get anti depressants from the doctor but not to reveal what had happened between me and him as he is a metal health doctor. He told me to tell my doctor(GP) that i was depressed and blame my brother for my depression saying it was domestic issues that lead me to be depressed.
Will i ever be forgiven as he is still occupying my mind and i keep thinking of the way he broke my viginity and then showed me a picture of his daughter and laughingly said this is my princess. He showed no regret or remouse for what he had done, infact he was proud of himself.
I know that the way he broke my viginity is classed as rape but how can i report a muslim man to the police, it will be another mark against islam and the muslim community.
Please guide me and show me how to cope.
Shaz
Dear Shaz, Asalaamualaykum,
I am honestly sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I hope my words will be of some comfort to you inshAllah.
As Brother Abdul Wali advised, I think you should definitely consider counselling. You have been through a very difficult experience and are clearly and understandably very shaken by it. Apart from this, I will tell you the best thing you can do for yourself right now is break all contact with this man. He is not worthy of you Sister. Do not begin to warm towards him just because he is encouraging you to see your doctor. He is looking out only for himself, as he does not want you to seek real help; he does not want you to confide the truth to your GP incase he gets in trouble. Leave him out of the picture. Everytime you have contact with him, he stings you again. He is causing you nothing but harm. Your aim here is to make yourself better; by treating your depression and suicidal thoughts. I would say: 'Yes, go to your GP and yes, confide in him because he needs to know the truth in order to prescribe the correct anti depressants for you. Your GP cannot break your confidentiality'. At the same time, he will refer you to counselling, although I would recommend a Muslim counsellor. I think you live in the UK, so if you want me to contact you privately, I will try to help you find a good counsellor inshaAllah - just say the word.
***
With regards to informing the police about the rape, you are trying to seek justice for yourself, you are not doing it to take revenge - so I personally do not think there is anything wrong with this. But if you tell the police, you will need to be strong enough to answer the questions which will be of a very private and difficult nature. You would need a strong family behind you for moral support but I do not know if you will get that. Alternately, you can ask Allah to give you justice and find peace in Him(swt). I believe, this type of justice will help your wounds heal faster.
***
When Yunus (as) was in great despair, mostly to his own mistakes, he started to pray with all his heart to Allah: "O Allah, there is no God apart from You. You alone do I praise and honour. I have done wrong; if You do not help me, I shall be lost for ever."
This dua is a dua from the Quran and we are encouraged to ponder over its meaning and to recite it with deep feeling whenever in difficulty. By reciting this dua, we are confirming that Allah is The Only One worthy of Praise, we are admitting that we are in difficulty due to our own wrong doings and we are imploring Allah to save us.
Another dua is:
The Prophet (saw), prayed to his Lord: " O Allah, I complain to You of my weakness and helplessness."
***
I can imagine that at the moment you feel very lonely and vulnerable and need loving people around you to fill the empty space. But do not mistake this feeling for wanting this horrid man back in your life. Force your nafs in to control and Allah promises that He will give you ease after this difficulty. Do you have one close friend whom you can lean on for support right now? I am sure it will help you some. Also my dear Sister, speak to Allah - He(swt) can see that you are heartbroken, Allah may be Angry but He is also Loves you and wants to help you.
Imagine this: any mother would be angry at her child for hanging out with the wrong crowd and hence getting into a fight in which he hurt himself badly. She would scold him, but at the same time, she would comfort him. Why? Because her love overcomes her anger. On a level that is completely beyond our comprehension, it is the same with Allah. Imam Bukhari and Muslim reported that the prophet (S.A.W.) said, "When Allah completed the creation, He wrote in His book which is with Him on His throne, "My mercy has overcome My anger."
***
May the following quotes from the Quran and the hadith help you find peace in the rememberance of Allah(swt) insh'Allah:
Allah (S.W.T.) says in surat Al-Furqan, (verse 70), what can be translated as, "…Those who repent and believe, and do righteous deeds, for those, Allah will change their sins into good deeds…"
Imam Bukhari and Muslim reported that the Prophet (S.A.W.) said, "If a disbeliever knows of all the mercy which is in the hand of Allah, he would not lose hope of entering Paradise…"
The Prophet (saw) told us: "Whoever tries to be patient, then Allah will help him to be patient."
So see your situation as an opportunity to seek repentance from Allah, hence becoming closer to Him(swt). May Allah strengthen your soul.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salaam,
Don't marry someone who in the law of the land of England has raped you. Insha allah you will find somebody better who will bring benefit to you in this world and the hereafter.
was salaam
Anas, you've posted two comments on this website today, and I had to edit both of them. In each one, you started out by insulting the person, then you offered good advice. My request to you is to leave out the insults and go directly to the good advice.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
You know the only reason i still love this man is because i always had a thought in my head that i would only have a relationship with one man only. At school my friends thought i was wierd cause i wasnt interested in men and they were always dating men. Thus when i met this man it was as if Allah had granted my wish and i was thinking he is the first and last man in my life. He has invaded my thoughts and steped on my feeling and knocked my confidence. Now that i am very vulnerable if he came back although you are right he raped me i would probably take him back cause at least i will be proud that i am not sleeping with more than one man. i dont really know if i am making sence
Shaz. We as muslim women are not meant to be sleeping with any man.unless we r ther wife!! N yes u only wantd to be with one man ur first and last but my dear sister we plan things n forget gods ways n our allah swt reminds us at sone point that it is he who plans it is he who has the final say. So u planned that this man wud be urs. But he was THE WRONG MAN. Its gna be so diffucult for u to get over it but u need to understand he wud have made ur life hell. If sumone cant feel the others pain whilst forcing themself on u really hun hes not worth it x
no your not making sense your typing nonsense,you know what your doing? your making something haraam look and seem beautiful and right and thats one of shaytaans qualities
Nadheerah, let's try to guide the sister gently. She is confused. Blasting her will only drive her away and probably further into this haram relationship. Our job is to shine a light to show the way.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
ok.
I dislike Muslims that talk like this! Shame on them for making sumone feel worst who's hurt.
Al Salam Alaykom wa ra7mat Allah wa barakatoh,
My dear sister, what happened happened and you can only learn from it and ask for Allah's forgiveness. Everything that will happen is written and this may have been a test for the man who sounds like a failure as a husband, father and "boyfriend" so be glad you didn't end up marrying him and then finding out the whole story. Better to know you might have married a liar than marrying one.
I hope you got over him and that you are living at peace. Memories hurt but try to move on in life and just learn not to let your tender and pure heart love easily. Never trust a man right away unless he puts a ring on your finger or atleast shows you his actions and most of all please make sure you are safe in all the places you go to.
The world is full of good men and I pray that you find him very soon, at the end it is as God wishes...
I wish you the best of luck and do not hold anything against yourself.
hey dear, all i can tell u.. give up on this guy therefore he is not the right person for u.. u better know these days most of guys are really open mined, so as long as if they get know ur a good girl they 'll marry u. being virgin is not the big deal.. wish u a lot of good luck... u'll be fine
Please contact the police and report what this man did, it is a horrible crime what he did to you. He should go to jail.
@Barbara I think she was alone with him doing stuff when he penetrated her. They both kept meeting after that.
I don't know if police can do much here.
OP: After about 10 months when i became attached to him and he had broken my virginity through forcing me and as he is a strong man holding me down. At the time i didn't realize he was breaking my virginity until i stated bleeding and in pain. He still kept seeing me
Asalaam Alaikum
We all want to be loved. Nobody loves us and respects us more than Allah subhana tallah. He never wants harm for us but good.
When you search for a life time partner , look for Godly traits. Does he treat you well, does he consider your feelings, is he kind, is he respectful. Do not form relationships with people who want you to do anything that they know your family will disapprove of. Many men try to win the heart of the woman first and then convince her to bring her parents round. This is a cowardly and spineless way of conducting oneself.
A sincere man will go about things the correct way. He will involve elders from the start.
Men who want to meet secretly do not have good intentions. Especially if they are charmers and know how to sweet talk. They have demonic traits and are trying to lure you astray.
Use common sense and trust you gut instinct. If it doesnt feel right , its not right.
You have already been abused, manipulated and exploited by this awful man. Do not let him ruin your life. Count your blessings . Do not cause anyone pain because of your own mistake. Leave his wife alone. She is innocent.
I pray for good things for you but you must be smart. Its never too late to wisen up!
Your sister