How do I win my Wife back?
I was guided to this site by a brother who has found the advice here sound and helpful. I am taking his advice and posting about my problem and hoping to get kind advice, to help me solve my marriage.
I am married to a wife I love who is mother of our two wonderful children. We have been married for more than ten years and they have been happy years and she has worked hard to make it possible for me to be away much with my job to have a career and I love coming home to her and the family she has provided me with. She is also very intelligent and I have always taken her advice because she is a better thinker than I. I owe her very much and I love her very much.
Two years ago I married a second wife. A daughter of a businesspartner and a very good connection. She also lives in the other city where I have to travel a lot so the marriage seemed advantageous and solved my problem of lonely travel. She is also a very fine woman whom I love dearly. We have no children yet.
I told my wife that I would get married again. She said InshAllah. I asked her how she felt about it but she would say nothing but that she trusts in Allah. You must understand my wife is a very funny, outgoing and talkative and strong woman. But I had almost no reaction at all. But she didn't refuse or complain and I was very happy and felt everything was going my way and I thought very much of getting married again.
My wife became silent. I thought she was sad but I was in a bubble of happiness and thought it would all be good. My wife ironed my clothes for my nikah. She never said a protesting word. But since then she has said nothing at all to me of free will more than dinner is served and such. She speaks to me but only in answer to questions. She never says anything else, but practical things like ask for permission to go and shop. When I try talking about small things like a film or a friend she smiles and listens but offers no answers. She serves me in everything and is gentle but she is simply not there anymore. I have lost her, I fear. And in intimacy, before she always enjoyed and sometimes took initiative. Now she never refuses but never does any initiative, she turns her head from me and let me have my way so to speak and tries to avoid kissing me. I never get anything back from her.
I asked her if she is angry and she says no, only Allah can judge. I ask her if she loves me she says a slave should only love Allah. I ask if she can forgive what I did and she answers again that there is nothing for a slave to forgive. I have given her gifts and she has thanked me and put them away and later asked me if she could offer them as zakat. She has never once laughed or smiled at me in any other way than you would smile at an elderly uncle whom you must please.
It has been like this now for two years and I can't stand it. I can't stand living with the ghost of my wife, I can't stand having lost her the way she was and I can't divorce her because I love her so much and she has never once disobeyed me or spoken a harsh word to me. Now I need advice. I am lost.
Omar K S
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This is so sad..
You speak of her as if she was the perfect wife, I wonder why someone with a perfect wife would look for another?
she sacrificed her self to try to be the perfect wife to you, and now she feels betrayed. The man she loves is now with someone else. I don't think you will get her back specially if is been two years. Obviously she doesn't seem her self as a wife anymore but as a slave.
And there isn't much you can do you already married someone else.
Try to make the best of it with your first wife and maybe as she sees your trying she might chance.
Should she find a new husband too since she also gets lonely?
How would you feel if it was like that?
And you made her iron the clothes which you did nikah?
Add insult to injury!
She's following Allah and provides you what your needs.
You should beg her for forgives do you have any idea how many husband wish they had a wife like yours?
I sujest you go trough post from husbands who have many problems with wive's and not even then they would think of having a second wife!
You are getting what you deserve brother, live with it!
Assalam alaikum,
If I assume something wrong, please correct me.
It appears that you were very happy in your first marriage and during this happy marriage you wished to marry again and you did. You didn't seem to do anything wrong as you are practicing your rights (as per you) and you also mention that your first wife is fulfilling her duties to you but she is not the same person.
It appears, from what you have written, that you first wife is deeply deeply hurt by your second marriage. You discussed it with her, and she didn't protest, because she believes it is your right to marry more than one wife--and she is doing her duty to you because she believes it is her responsibility to fulfill your rights as a husband. All of this, however, doesn't stop her from feeling hurt. More than likely it is easier for her to fulfill your rights as a duty rather than something she enjoys because it now hurts her. Now, it probably hurts her and being with you isn't exclusive anymore.
One must understand that not every man is meant to have more than one wife and similarly not every woman is made to be understanding regarding polygamy. It seems your wife is coping with the hurt by doing what is expected of her & by focusing all of her love towards Allah swt.
Remember that when we are happy with someone, it is a form of giving that person the ability to hurt us. So, by no longer allowing herself to feel one way or another, it is now easier for her to cope and she has also withdrawn your right to hurt her further.
Perhaps you feel justified in marrying another woman, especially since you asked her--but she probably didn't feel like she could say anything but yes to you as she probably felt incomplete and insufficient as a wife to you so she felt that by saying yes, she wouldn't lose you entirely--this is one possibility. By the time you asked her, it probably made her feel like she had already "lost" you.
When you married another woman, which is a man's right in Islam (given that he fulfills his duties to his wives), you became someone's husband. You were now someone else's love. She may have felt she lost something in you or perhaps not discovered something in you that another woman did. As she lost something in you, you lost something in her...This is the dunya. We don't always experience happiness, even when we get what we want. You wanted another wife -- but that doesn't mean that you get to live happily ever after as you want - there is a cost to everything.
Many men will say that women must accept polygamy because this is the way that men are made. Some will say that women do not understand men--and maybe it is so. Perhaps women will not understand this about men--but similarly, some men will not understand ever what happens to a woman's heart when after being the first, she must accept a second, possibly a third and possibly a fourth...why does it hurt a woman? This is a good question, but would a man really be happy to know that his wife wasn't hurt by another marriage? Would a man be happy to know that his wife was estatic from him? Part of her hurt is a gesture of love in itself that depicts what is gone.
What has happened has happened. Make the best in both of your households and continue to be the person you are to her. She may come around, she may not--but really, I don't think you can blame her.
May Allah swt guide us to be the best that we can be even in the most difficult of time, Ameen.
I agree entirely with sister Saba. I think your first wife showed her strength and love for you by supporting you in your decision to take a second wife, she has shown a lot of patience and strength to do this, most women would go crazy at the thought of another woman. Also, you decided to take on a second wife despite having a happy first marriage and a loving wife - I'm not really sure why you would do this.
Anyway, as far as I can see, your wife is clearly hurt. It seems she is emotionally distancing herself from you because she feels betrayed. After all she was a good wife to you and still is but she wasn't enough - you still had to turn to another woman, and this must have really hurt her, it's just that she is strong enough to deal with it herself and remain patient.
It sounds like you have an amazing wife. I wish you could understand the pain a woman feels when she has to share her husband with another woman. Maybe then you would be able to understand your wife's behaviour.
Also, imagine how you would feel if your wife chose another man despite the fact that you both had a happy marriage and you were doing everything you could to keep her happy. It would kill a part of you wouldn't it, you would be upset maybe even angry, but most of all it would hurt you.
I apologize for my boldness and explicit response in advance. All action has its consequence. Your consequence of choosing polygamy is losing your first wife. Even you are happy in your first marriage but your reasons for your 2nd are: for business connection and solve your loneliness.
I understand I may be inviting people to attack or not agree with me. The practice of polygamy in Islam has been abused at large. It keeps off the good intention people to enter Islam. Muslim, especially men take it for granted to consider "Polygamy in Islam" is permissive and majority of muslim men who exercise their "right" by justifying this is Allah's leverage to men's promiscuity tendency. The ayat of "marry four" (4:3) indicated a restrictive tone rather than a "permissive" tone. If you study the background why and when this ayat came, you will understand that was the time lots of men died in wars and left behind lots of widows and orphans. As times go by, men interpret this ayat according to their wants. If you are really following sunnah, go marry those who need to be taken care in the society first, i.e. widows, orphans, old, divorcee instead of satisfying your sexual desire. You may think you treat them equally (may be financially but not emotionally) but the reality is no one can. Instead, your wife deals with the situation gracefully. Women response differently in this sensitive issue and she chose to be silence.
She is a goner in your marriage, she made up her mind which is shut down herself towards any feeling to you. She won't be her old self. She realized that her life here is only but a short journey, a test, a mirage. She shifts her focus completely in Allah as she sees it clearly that Allah is the ONE who will not change His love towards her, human fails. She just want to do her best to fulfill her task on earth. If you truly love her, let her be and provide what she needs.
Well said Sr k I completely agree with you!
most women do not like the idea of sharing their man, the very thought of another women touching her man, kissing her man will just kill her inside.
but, you told her you want to re-marry she could have said something, if you can do justice between 2 women and Islam permits then no one has the right to judge you or say anything against you. at least you didn't lie and run away and get married undercover like some.
i hear about this kind a lot to the point the husband becomes angry and fed up towards his wife. you can remind your wife, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) taught us that any woman who dies in a state that her husband is pleased with her, she shall enter Paradise. So, try your best to please him (even when you think it is not worth it - it is still worth it)
now, i don't think its wise to say Islam says this and that whilst pointing the finger, no. tell her let's study Islam together, let's see how the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and his wives acted, behaved etc. rights of the wife/husband etc it will be a good hint/lesson of both of you. as Muslim this is how we act and do things. you may want to study with both of your wives together and try to find a common ground. maintain your good treatment towards them both, give both the equal amount of time and attention.
your wife is acting like a maid, only answers to what you ask? She has never once laughed or smiled at me in any other way? for 2 years? truthfully that is too much. a wife should behave better even if she is faking it. not putting in effort, with a sad expression.
so many women get mistreated, some like yourself who have multiple wives but won't treat them equally. some women don't realize how lucky they are till it's gone.
i know this may not sound good, but if you truly love your first wife how could let her suffer by keeping her? yes i know you want her, but what if she doesn't wish to stay like this? ask her sincerely what she wants to do? you love her right? then let her find her happiness, but if she wish to stay at least tell her to make an effort. marriage not a one sided thing, nor is it a walk in the park. both sides have huge responsibility. so sit and have a good talk with her, although you should have had that before you got married. well, what is done is done...
peace.
in addidtion, when you said, I asked her how she felt about it but she would say nothing. that is a sign she wasn't happy with your decision.
I am just re-posting the things Ahmed has said.
Perhaps Ahmed you should review what you have said, and re-consider your words carefully.
a wife should behave better even if she is faking it. not putting in effort, with a sad expression.
Well im not exactly asking the sister to fake cos the brother is the one who posted it. He wont tell his wife to fake it. You got it twisted, jus like Saba. Im not asking her to fake but she could try to be happy for him in front of him evem if she is faking the happiness kind of thing. instead making it apparent for 2 years.
Nor am i asking him to tell his wife to fake it.
He chose to have a 2nd wife, big deal. He has the righte to re-marry whatever reason it may be if he wishes.
I didnt take offence, you are entitled to your opinion and i know what you trying to say, but the main focus of this post was how to win back his wife. Anyway it doesnt matter.
You women just kill me. You see one thing you disagree with and have to make a big deal out of it. Like i said before, its about how to win his wife back. You ask a foollish question and will she go heaven or else hell? Its not for me to decide nor have authority to grant such a thing.
This brother came for advice and the best thing you said was give a lecture. If youbreally wanna follw the sunnah... pls, Too much i could point out, but its a waste of my time. Trust me the brother needs to stay away from your useless ranting. You even say irrelevant things.
Assalam alaikum,
You have written:
"a wife should behave better even if she is faking it. not putting in effort, with a sad expression."
The wife has put a lot of effort in. She ironed his clothes for his Nikaah, she allowed him the free will with no protest to make his decision and not feel guilty, she didn't refuse, she didn't complain, she smiles and listens to him and all this takes a great deal of effort and I am not sure many woman could do this. It isn't fair to expect her to be fake and pretend to be herself like before when it isn't like before.
Her husband remarried due to his loneliness and travelling--that is understandable to many and not to many too--how did the his first wife with two children cope with his loneliness and travelling? She is doing her best--and she is doing things to please Allah swt. He chose to have a 2nd wife and his first wife really had two decisions left: ask for a divorce or cope. She is coping extremely gracefully.
A wife should please her husband--and if she is fulfilling her duties towards him, why wouldn't he pleased with her? He must be reasonable given the circumstances. It would be unreasonable for him to expect her to fake her happiness and/or seek a divorce especially with children. Sometimes we get what we want, but we don't always become happy with the choices we make. And Allah swt knows best.
You said, The wife has put a lot of effort in. She ironed his clothes for his Nikaah? That was 2year ago. 10yrs from now if the situation is the same are you still gona bring what happen 10yrs ago? Please Saba
keep reminding the wife ironed clothes for nikah etc put it to the side. Now you need to make a marriage work. Marriage is not a slave, master relationship. You only answer when asked.
He chose to have a 2nd wife, big deal. He has the righte to re-marry whatever reason it may be if he wishes.
He is greateful for what she did but now its different hence why he is on here. He cant stand to see act lile this. Its funny you only read small aspect of what i wrote and jump to make a big deal out of it..
How do you know she is doing her best? Its just a speculation from your part. Since you don't k ow her you cant possibly know..
Even if she doesnt like it, for the sake of Allah she could try to be a little nice.
I am sorry I wrote what I did to you since you took such offence and missed my point.
Anyways, Good day and Jazak Allah.
I didnt take offence, you are entitled to your opinion and i know what you trying to say, but the main focus of this post was how to win back his wife. Anyway it doesnt matter.
Peace.
Ahmed: He has the right to re-marry whatever reason it may be if he wishes.
Question for you: What is the right being a muslim women? To put up a happy face and try her best to appear to be happy because her husband cannot stand her look like this??? And she will go to heaven or else hell??? Wait, AND bring the 2 wives together and learn together, "to find a common ground together" ??? The purpose is to "make" their husband live a better life? You clearly have no clues how much this husband has hurt his wife. Trust me, she needs space, away from your man made law.
You women just kill me. You see one thing you disagree with and have to make a big deal out of it. Like i said before, its about how to win his wife back. You ask a foollish question and will she go heaven or else hell? Its not for me to decide nor have authority to grant such a thing.
This brother came for advice and the best thing you said was give a lecture. If youbreally wanna follw the sunnah... pls, Too much i could point out, but its a waste of my time. Trust me the brother needs to stay away from your useless ranting. You even say irrelevant things.
@Ahmad, does this woman deserve to go to paradise according to what you quoted the Prophet said? I definitely think she is qualified though God is the judge and He is all knowing. What more did you want her to do to "please" her husband? What kind of belief you are holding to ask for this poor woman really? Fake it? Please, have mercy!
Well im not exactly asking the sister to fake cos the brother is the one who posted it. He wont tell his wife to fake it. You got it twisted, jus like Saba. Im not asking her to fake but she could try to be happy for him in front of him evem if she is faking the happiness kind of thing. instead making it apparent for 2 years.
Nor am i asking him to tell his wife to fake it.
What's the point of pretending to be happy, when she's clearly not. She's hurt, most people would behave in a much worse manner if their husband got himself a new wife despite a happy marriage. It's painful, and I think she is already putting up a fake front and pretending evrything is ok when really deep down it seems like she's heart broken. Maybe the brother here feels guilty for putting her through this and needs a way to win her back and for things to be normal, rather than deal with the pain and hurt he has caused her.
mr ahmed Barather
its not written in Quran, can you please prove it from Quran that any wife whose husband is not pleased with her shall not enter the paradise. that means you only have to worship your husband and please him even if he spits at you, call you a bitch , throw away the food. means we dont have to believe that Allah is one we dont have believe in Prophets too only pleasing your husband. oh God i m glad to know that all hindu women will go to jannah because they do everything to please there pati .
and please dont try to compare youself with Prophet Muhammad . you are not even closer to the dust of his mubarak feet.
why she would pretend she doesnt have to pretend islam has given a way if the wife is not pleased with her husband she can get divorce . brother or i made you understand in another way?
Lorelei lee...you are taking it waaaaaaay out of proportion. I don't think brother Ahmed meant literally that: per your words and I quote:
its not written in Quran, can you please prove it from Quran that any wife whose husband is not pleased with her shall not enter the paradise. that means you only have to worship your husband and please him even if he spits at you, call you a bitch , throw away the food. means we dont have to believe that Allah is one we dont have believe in Prophets too only pleasing your husband. oh God i m glad to know that all hindu women will go to jannah because they do everything to please there pati .
.... Where did the questioning of SHAHADA come from??? Let's not tread on shirk here and what? comparing Muslims to hindus? A3udhubillah wa Astaghfirullah
Brother Ahmed only meant that in pleasing your husband, you achieve paradise. There is the following hadith of Husain ibn Muhsin that the Prophet (sas) asked his aunt if she was married. When she answered in the affirmative, he said:
"How are you with respect to him?" She answered: 'I do not fail in obeying him save in those things that I am incapable of doing.' The Prophet (sas) told her: "Look to how you are with respect to him for he is your paradise and your hell-fire." Ahmad & others (acceptable according to Al-Albaani).
Mister if i would have been your wife i would have ironed your face instead of clothes. what kind of shameless, cruel and unfortunate person you are!
you were feeling lonely CLAPPING
so there was no internet?, no phone you were living in a stone age that you were feeling despo to have sex because you cant control and that you cant contact you wife. you people can have cyber sex but when it comes to wife all pretexts are there .
well she should have left you. i m amazed by her strength. you are such a unfortunate person.
now leave her alone please dnt cage her. let her go alone and let her find another man. she dont deserve a person like you polygamy supporter.
when it comes to sunnah you people only remember only one sunnah that is niakh otherwise when its time to fulfill other sunnah you people become deaf and dumb .
and i m not sorry for my words!
I agree every of your words (Y)
I will made dua for this women, she really inspirated me 🙁
i am crying I don't know what to say..being a woman I can understand her..May Allah give her strength,,.
Dear Omar K S,
Asalamaleykum,
Brother, I have never been married, and I don't claim to know much about Women.
But the first thing that you need to understand that you missed is,
When you asked your wife that you are going to marry again. And she said "Nothing".
When a Lady says nothing, she does'nt exactly mean that.
It means the opposite. meaning, that everything is wrong!
I am really surprised that you don't know this about woman.
or that fact that you have been married to her for so long.
And you did'nt bother to look into her eyes when you asked her this question.
Or that you were not able to know what she really meant or how she really felt.
It would seem you tend not to pay too much attention to her.
In Islam, it is said to men. treat your wife, like you would want someone to treat your daughter.
one of the biggest mistakes all muslims do, before taking a step.
They don't properly study or research it, or understand, what is Allah commanding us.
If in Islam we are allowed to have 4 wives, that does'nt mean every single muslim man, is out there searching for wife number 2, 3 and 4.
Did you stop to put yourself in her shoes, and think how it must be like for her.
Did you stop to think, if the situation was changed, and you were in her shoes.
Would that idea appeal to you?
That woman has given birth to two of your children,
There is a saying from our elders,
You should have washed her feet and have drink that water.
Did you even stop to think about your children, what kind of an affect your action would have on theyir psychology. a child's psychology is the most delicate.
The moment, you said, you wanted to get married again, and she said Inshallah.
You should have married your first wife again. and no one else.
[In Islam, nikha is done once, but you can have marriage with that person again]
it's true, we don't cherish what we have till it's taken away from us.
You had the perfect relationship with the perfect wife.
you had her unconditional love, and support. Which is rare.
in today worlds. A person only gives, when they receive something in return first. its give and take.
and for you to have a Wife, who gives you unconditional love.
You don't know, how many men, including me envy you. for your perfect life.
You were self centered, and very selfish, like you said, you were in your own bubble of happiness.
If anything, you should have taken some time out. and really thought about your situation.
Instead of speeding up, when you saw the green signal.
She still cooks dinner for you, and asks you permission to go to for shopping.
I can understand her situation, and I will pray for her.
You said: your second marriage seemed advantages and solved the problem of your lonely travel.
That was your reason for breaking your first Wife's heart.
here is an idea, when did'nt you leave the kids with a relative to babysit them.
And took your first wife on your business trip with you???
if you were alone on your trip. Why did'nt you call her and talk to her.
She would have appreciated you for this.
You could have gotten skype, or viber and voice chatted with her.
if you were lonely, you should have talked to the one person, who has been there for you.
not started to look for someone Else!!!
In the end brother,
I feel, you can still recover from your situation.
And you get perhaps get 40 to 70% of your first wife's love back.
i think you still stand a chance.
But I am sorry, I am not going to tell you how you can win her back.
I don't think, you should be able to win the affection of your wife back because of what some Random/Stranger advised you on the internet.
I think, you should do alot of soulsearching. and find the answer yourself.
i believe your wife, if she ever found out that you won her heart back,
from the advice that you got from a random stranger on the internet.
It would hurt her more. And i have no intention of hurting anyone.
Your matter, thou complicated it appears as a simple one to me.
You should try, and find the answer to your question yourself.
You have spent 10 years with her, and have had 2 children.
but it seems you have never paid attention to her, and you dont know anything about your wife.
It seems you have done the same thing, that all husbands do, take things for granted.
But if you are determined to making her happy again, and winning her love back.
you only have to make her fall in love with you again.
Things arent always going to go smoothly. because of what you have done.
but don't give up trying. and inshallah If it is meant to be. It will be
take care
Regards
K.
Even though I am not in the OP's shoes, I can feel pain reading the post and then some of the comments...and I have been feeling that way since this post.
Part of the message being sent is that Muslim women should not only expect that their husband could practice polygamy, but that she must enjoy it and like it on behalf of him--it isn't enough for her to be dutiful, she must be happy.
Strange...This is all strange because on one hand women are supposedly emotional and therefore can't be the leader of the family, but if they dare be emotional (since they are that way), this may make their husband unhappy with her and thereby closing the doors of Jannah for her.
I wish people would stop treating polygamy as no big deal but then call marriage no walk in the park.
I really really appreciate your post. The Prophet (peace be upon him) many a times took special care in not hurting the feelings of people (I don't have time to post those Hadith now, but will inn shaa Allah) and yet some men think that women should just get over their multiple marriages whilst still giving unconditional love for the sake of Allah swt. Again, Jazak Allah for your very kind, considerate post that doesn't put women down and nor were you condescending. May Allah swt reward you, Ameen.
Masha'Allah, brilliant advice.
May Allah bless you
Don't get me wrong but... I personally think this brother may not hv been 100% honest with us here! He said he enjoyed a very good marriage 1st wife who was very obedient and submissive to him (besides being submissive to her Lord), and that they hv been togther for TEN good yrs but had only TWO children! I don't think this bro married his 2nd wife just b/c he was feeling lonely & also b/c of the traveling distance, i think he married her b/c he wanted more children (a key information he might hv left out) and that his first wife couldn't provide him with any additional children besides the 2 they already hv depite "maybe" tryn for more so he resulted to getting a 2nd wife thinking it will solve the problem & as he mentioned above, his 2nd wife is yet 2 provide him with a child. Hmmm maybe its just God's Will for u He knows why he only gave you 2 kids with ur 1st wife and am sure He wants u 2 make aware of the fact tht marrying a 2nd wife will not change His Decree upon your life (marital life).
What a sad situation. Your wifes patience is amazing. Even on good days not many wives iron their husbands shirts!
There seems to be a lack of communication between you two. Its not just her words that should tell you how she feels, she would have been so heartbroken to even reply.
Sit down with her and find out what SHE wants, and try to be understanding. If she does want to be with you try doing things that she likes (taking her out for dinner, taking her shopposhopping etc), Helping her with chores around the house, getting more involved with your children and helping them with homework etc, buy her something nice when you come home etc. Get a bit more involved in her life and spend a lot of time together with your children. But above all try to be more understanding towards her, she has gone through a lot of pain and it still continues but still she does her duties towards you patiently. May Allah give your first wife and children all the happiness they deserve. Ameen
Assalam alaikum
Brother lets be honest you have done nothing wrong accourding to our Religon which is full of justice and law.Instead of having an affair you doen the right thing by getting married again and you informed You wife which is good.If you are able to treat both your wives fairly and justly and able to support them financial then you have doen nothing wrong in fact Allah will reward you Our Prophet has told us Not make what Allah has made permissable for us Harram and the other way around
Your first wife sounds like gold and am happy you have great mother for kids Tell her how feel about and non of that has change and will not change
And remember treat your second wife Fairly
Salaam
I am very grieved to hear your problem and I fear there is not much you can do now. I had much the same proble, married second without objection from wife, was happy and thought everything ok but my first wife more and more became a shadow of old self. I talk with her, pray, show love and all things a man can do to make wife happy. After one year she say to me that she gave it one year to be tested and to show sabr but she could not do it. She say every time I touch her she is sick inside and intimacy made her everytime vomit after but she hid it with doing ghusl so I would not know. Knowing I was carnal with my second wife was that intolerable to her. I tried to make promise I would not be intimate with my second wife until she found it acceptable but she said no to this and say she would not take away my other wife's right. I made her get help from the masjid with councelling but it did not help. She say the sickness was not in her mind as sadness but in her body as vomit. Finally she say I should grant her talaq because I would not want to be with a woman who was sick from my touch. I was panicked and say I would give talaq to my second wife but first refused. I gave her talaq. It is still a thorn in me and I will always miss her as part of my life. I want to say brother that it seems like women can be hurt in heart and in body from sharing their husband. I believe we can keep their hurt open by not let them go, but hurt can mend if we allow them to go and heal away from us. Maybe like with my wife, every time you touch her you tear the wound open? Maybe letting go is only way to make it good.
I have spoken to many men who are polygamus. A few say their marriage with first wife is better but most say life is very stressful and complicated and the hurt to their wifes never go away but keeps wearing their wives down. I am sad to say. So my advice brother, is to let her go. Offer to pay her keeps and let her go.
Thank you for your post and shedding light on the fact that having a polygamous husband can be painful/hurtful to a wife and not simply a matter of like vs. dislike.
I am sorry for how things had to end.
@Farouk,
Thank you so much, Jzk for your honest sharing. I hope men will be more careful to take this decision. I, too agree with your advise : pay her and let her go. If I were her, I also want to be left alone, I'd better leave and let the husband and his new wife having their new life. Not that I am jealous but it just plainly hurt inside. I would wish them happy without me.
To go further to what you described about your wife's reaction - vomiting - after intimacy, it happened to cases when a husband keeps verbal insults or belittle a wife in a constant basis, a wife will also develop those symptoms. My close friends of mine could not bear the touching or intercourse, some would choose closing their eyes, some shiver, some played death and prayed to finish quick. Marriage is made to love and respect each other, it is not just about "avoiding sina" and having a legal halah sex. I think some so "religious men" need to reevaluate what is the wife meant to them.
There is a saying, if the mirror is cracked, the cracks will be there even if it is fixed; any pushing forces will collapse the mirror.
It's hurts so much just reading about it, and to try to think and understand the gravity of the situation.
I feel I am at a loss of words and my heart is so much torn. I can't even begin to imagine, what it must be like for the concerned individuals and what they must be going through.
And how things are out of our small hands grasp to be able to do anything about it at all.
To see it all happen before you, but not be able to do anything at all that would help the situation.
To truly come to loving someone so much, and then to helplessly let them go.
All I can do is pray for everyone, and hope Allah(SWT) showers His blessings on everyone.
All of men, should be informed about this, when they are getting married. So they are better informed.
But I have a bad feeling most men will still do this mistake.
you can't have a perfect life, nobody can have a perfect life, one has to sacrifice one way or another
with your decision, you sacrificed your first wife and now you have to live with it