Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is a love marriage allowed in Islam?

Hearts linked in love

AoA brothers and sisters I've got this personal problem that I wanted help on. I study in a private school, one of the best in the country, in Islamabad. We have co-education and I've been brought up in this environment. I have a very religious family who do not believe in love marriages or anything. Now a few months ago I felt so attracted to a girl and I started liking her a lot and I used to think about her all the time.

She's not in the same school as me. We started seeing each other and I prayed to Allah with all my sincerity that I could make her mine. Right now I'm around 20 and I will insha Allah get married around 26-28 as per family tradition. Now we hardly meet once every 2 months. The problem is that recently I heard a hadith stating that a man should not hold a 'na-mehram' woman's hand etc. We haven't been physical apart from holding hands. Is this hadith validated? Secondly what is the proper procedure in Islam for me? I can't stop talking to her through text as I fear we may lose contact.

She is a very religious girl but her family is not too keen on religion. So how should I proceed? Once again if there's any way possible for me to stay in contact with her throughout the time that we are still na-mehram? And then I know it's a bit early to ask but how do I tell my family about her? This is a general question and I want your personal opinions. My father is a bit open to me regarding such stuff but my mother is very strict and in our family the concept of love marriage is frankly speaking very much hated.

So how and when should I tell my family about her. I would've told my family right now but I fear that I do not have knowledge of the future and only Allah knows whether I am actually destined with her so I do not want to look dumb and tell my family now and if Allah forbid things don't go right and what I plan isn't Allah's plan then it will be quite embarrassing for me. Kindly help me out.



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8 Responses »

  1. Salaam.

    Strictly speaking a love marriage is allowed in Islam provided the love doesn't cross Islamic boundaries and enter into the haraam. What people find more difficult is determining whether or not they are crossing boundaries.

    "The Prophet SAW said it is better for a man to have a steel nail driven through his head then to touch the palm of a strange woman. hadith"

    It is true that even hand shaking or hand holding between non - mahrams of opposite gender is not allowed. So if you are holding her hands then yes you are crossing limits and it is haraam.
    There are also levels of zina - which are haraam.

    It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah has decreed for every son of Adam his share of zina, which he will inevitably commit. The zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the tongue is speaking, one may wish and desire, and the private parts confirm that or deny it.”

    Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5889; Muslim, 2657.

    It is not permissible for the Muslim to long for the things that lead to zina, such as kissing, being alone, touching and looking, for all these things are haraam and lead to the greater evil which is zina.

    So it is fine if you admire someone or you see a girl you wish to marry and you approach her via her mahram for marriage.

    So talking to her casually or lovingly is also not permissible.

    The correct way to approach her Islamically is through her family. When you have done this you can meet her with her family present and speak to her in this setting. It is not permissible for a man and a woman to be alone together if they are non-mahram. They must have a third party present - ideally the girl's mahram. Brother if you truly love this girl, show it by respecting her. It is not right for you to be meeting her behind her family's back (both Islamically and morally) and holding hands with her etc.

    If you really love her honour her by requesting to speak to her family and seeking her hand in marriage. Look to try and make her your wife rather than your secret girlfriend.

    I can't stop talking to her through text as I fear we may lose contact.
    If you are right for each other and meant to be, stopping contact will not be a barrier for you to marry her.

    My advice to you is to refrain from contacting her. Give her the reasons and if you are interested in getting to know her for marriage then do ask her if you can speak to her family with the intention of getting to know her for marriage. Not necessarily marriage. But you have a right to meet girls in the proper Islamic way and find out if you are compatibile and if she is wife material.

    As for keeping contact with this girl you can meet her with your families' present and speak to her then as long as the talk does not fall into the haraam.

    Dear brother you say you fear it's too soon to tell your family about her. Those fears are understandable - but on the contrary it is most often better. One for the obvious Islamic reasons - it avoids falling into sin if you are meeting with your parents present. Also it is always best to check that your families are OK with the 'potential spouse.'
    Look around on this site and you will see many examples of guys/girls who have fallen in love, (sometimes 'halal' other times haraam')and they have kept it from their parents. What is the usual result? When they eventually tell their parents - their parents say 'no' and the couple end up splitting up after so long. They are now very attached and so breaking up is very difficult.
    But had they had followed the Islamic way and approached parents from the start - if they couldnt marry each other then they were not so attached and could leave if need be. So following the laws Allah swt created protects us from all sorts of trouble

    Make tawbah for this relationship with this girl and start the other approach which is within Islamic boundaries.

    You say in your culture you marry around aged 26-28. That is too late if you are in 'love.' Seek marriage as soon as possible - the Prophet (SAW) advised us to marry young if we are able. So if after approaching her parents, meeting her properly, meeting her family, asking the right questions to determine if you want the same things and doing Istikhaarah (scroll to top of page and read links on istikhaarah qs and As). If you then still want to marry each other then ask your families for permission to conduct a small nikah. If you have little money and you can't live together you can still do a nikah and this will allow you to be together as husband and wife. When you are financially stable then you can move in with her. (If your family insist on a big wedding try compromising and asking if you can have another big wedding before you move in with her - (ruksati))

    Sara Editor

  2. Also brother Please read our articles on zina:

    Sara Editor

    • Dear sister,
      I have a question, if a married women fallen in love with other man and she's planning
      to get married with his boy friend then ready to leaving is husband

      • Assalaamualaikam

        A married Muslim, whether man or woman, should not be engaging in extramarital relations, and should take care to lower their gaze and avoid private communication with non-mahrams of the opposite gender.

        If you require specific advice for your situation, please submit your question as a new post for publication, and it will be answered in turn, inshaAllah.

        Midnightmoon editor

  3. Brother you should stop contacting this sister immediately its haram to spend time with a non-mahram.

  4. Do what you think is right. If you truly love her and she loves you, get married.Make sure you two are right for eachother. Just do not do anything bad.A marriage based on love will last forever. Do not let close minded individuals convince you different. Keep Allah in mind and do not do what you think is wrong. I will pray that you two may live/love togather and get married.

  5. Brother, quit contact with this girl, if she's religious herself, she would understand Islam's rules for sure. Fear Allah.

  6. i thnk u should to ur parents and i hope they will say yes


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