Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Abusive father won’t let me marry

domestic violence

Salam alaikom brothers and sisters i am happy i came across this site so i could ask for some advise 🙁 .

Excuse me for my english its not my native tongue .

I am a 27 year old girl and i alhamdulilah graduated last year , i know a man since a year  who wants to marry me .I told my mother about it and my older 3 brothers know about it .

I told them all about this person .. he is religious doesnt drink, comes from a good family , i am good friends with his sisters.

They said as long as he is a good muslim they agree . My mother was very happy for me, because unfortunatly i live in a non muslim country and even in my city there are not much muslims.

This man was eager to cone to speak to my father , and i told my father about it .. now thats where all my problems started ..

My father has always been abusive towars my mother he never let her see her family after they got married , he beat her he made her got through emotional and physical pain .

He has in my 27 years cursed me spit on me beat me too for no reason .but i had patience and i never shared this with anyone because i know that every family has a problem.

When i told my father that there is someone who want to see him to ask for my hand , he started talking bad about me he was shocked thay i wanted to get married and acused me of zina and other things :'( .

I knew in my heart that he would act like that but i had hope that he would agree and realise i am 27 :'( and i want a family of my own 🙁

Day after day my father acted more and more crazy he told me he will kill me if i marry this person, when i asked him why he doesnt agree when he hasnt even met him !!! He said the reason is because he said no and i should obey :'( and he is constantly repeating that i have to follow his command becausw else he will kil me .. he also said that he will burn my face :'(

My brothers dont defend me because they are afraid of him 🙁 .. now its been a half year since i told him and he goes on and on 🙁 i cant take this emotional stress anymore ..

 amall


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4 Responses »

  1. Salaam Sister,

    You need to speak to an Imam about your Father and then the authorities. To be honest to even call him your father is a disgrace, this is no way to treat a enemy let alone your own child. May Allah make it easy on you and the Ummah.

    Pray Isthikhara and if you are to marry this man by the will of Allah then no-one and nothing can stop that.

    But please Sister seek help as the last thing you want if for your father to actually come through with his threats. He could easily bleach your face and your life will never be the same or even kill you. He sounds like a crazy man tbh May Allah Help him.

    So please speak to someone but do it in a way where your Father won't be able to find out and if need be seek shelter with a friend whom he doesnt know amd qont be able to find you. Sorry for sounding dramatic but you need to protect yourself. May Allah help you through these difficult times and reward you for your patience and your mothers.

    Salaam and please take care.

  2. What country you live in?

    I have a feeling your father needs to see a psychiatrist? Do you have any relatives on your father's side who are mentally ill?

  3. Assalam alaikum,

    Your father isn't normal and nor can be trusted. No parent should spit on, beat, threaten to kill their child or any family member. You need to seek shelter away from this environment even if marriage wasn't an option.

    Your mother and brothers are obviously scared and most likely manipulated by him, so be careful in sharing information with them.

    I would suggest that you speak to an Imam as close as possible to you--he will be able to tell you who can act as your Wali in your case and inn shaa Allah, you should be able to get married as, in your case, your father is unreasonable and probably has an unhealthy influence on your brothers. Be very very careful.

    I feel very sorry for your mother--and in fact, fear for her safety once you do leave. What does your mother say about your father? You very well will have to report your father for his threats and abuse....this is no way to live.

    May Allah swt ease your difficulties and help you to solve them, Ameen.

  4. Wa 'alaikum as-salaam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh sister,

    You are right. As 27 year old girl, you should already be getting married, and inshaAllah, you will. However, from what you have said regarding your father's response, it seems like he is not thinking about getting you married to anyone. Depending on where you live, and how safe it is to do so, I'd suggest that you report your father to the authorities and file charges against him for threatening to kill you, and mention that he has been abusing you and your mother too for so long (your mother should report him too, and she should never accept abuse from him anymore), so that at least his name will be on the file, and your rights will be protected inshaAllah.

    And also, depending on where your fiance lives or the distance between where he lives and your home, you may want to discuss the matter with an Imam in the presence of your mother and brothers and then conduct the nikah without your father and move to a safer place inshaAllah (and if any of your father's close male siblings, or your grand father through them, do not have the same mentality as your father and stand by your side, then involve them as your Wali, otherwise ignore them and proceed with the nikah and make one of your brothers your Wali).

    Please do not forget to pray Istikhara and ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala for guidance in the matter, inshaAllah.

    May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala save you and your mother from your father's evil attitudes, and guide him, and decree what is best for you in this life and the next. Ameen!

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