Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Broken Heart

Heartbroken, broken heart

Heartbroken.

Asalam O alaikum...

My story is not new. I mean almost everyone is facing something like that.

I met this guy an year ago. He seemed a nice and decent guy. We became friends and he said he had a crush on me ever since we were in 10th grade. I told him clearly that "I don't like you back".

Then we became good friends and I started liking him and we fell in love and proposed to each other but I told him clearly that we can't be girlfriend and boyfriend as this kind of relation is not good. He used to ask me to say yes but still we remained good friends. We came close to each other like hugged and kissed each other.

After two days we met each other and he tried to kiss me but I stopped that because it's not right. He became angry and we didn't talk on that day. He ignored my texts and calls and after one week he said "I don't love you, I wanna back out, and my mother came to know about this relation so as she said to finish it so I am finishing this relationship".

I really tried to commit suicide and put cuts on my arm (the cut is still on my arm). After that we used to text one or two times in a day and then we chatted like before for a whole week and then again he said he is fed up and he don't wanna keep this zabardasti ki friendship and bye.

I really tried to stop him, cried in front of him but he was stubborn. I texted him after two weeks but he didn't reply.

I really love him and it has been three months now but still I am in deeply love with him, crying for him, lost my soul, my dignity, my self respect and my potentials. I am getting poor grades, crying the whole day and sitting quiet.

On the other hand he is very happy in his life, enjoying with friends, chatting with everyone, using social media etc. He is in front of me whole day so how could I forget him?

Everyone is saying forget him, that he is selfish, but my heart says he is a nice guy. I cried through the whole of Ramadan and prayed only one thing - that please give him back - but then I really felt sorry for my sins that may be I have also hurt many people so I asked for forgiveness from ALLAH, I started offering prayers whenever I feel low but I am still depressed and dying for him.

I love him but he is ignoring me, blocked me from fb, I think he has even forgotten that there was a girl in his life. He said "I am not that kind of guy who run after girls and I don't keep relationships" so spare me if that so what was that he did with me?

Why is ALLAH not listening to my prayers? If he can't be back in my life then at least make me that much stronger so that I can forget him. He is in front of me for the whole day, happy and chilled, and here I am depressed and sad. Sometimes I think I can't question him in hereafter as it is his choice whether to keep anyone in his life or just kick them out. If I can't then who is responsible for my pain, my tears...? As my mistake is just that I love a guy who used to say that he loved me back and then just became a stranger.

Broken Heart

Myt_Girl


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21 Responses »

  1. Thank you all so much for your advises, concern and prayers. I am trying to improve my relation with ALLAH, i feel satisfy but still i think it will take a lot of time to heal myself...
    About ignoring him, i still have soft corner for him but when he comes in front of me he ignores me and makes me feel by his acts that "i am ignoring you". Sometimes i wonder can't i take revenge on him or at least go and tell him that i know everything that he was already committed and all.
    Everyone's responses are beautiful MASHAA ALLAH, i will take your advises seriously. But what about him will he ever feel guilty for his sins as i really felt guilty for all my past sins and i thanked GOD for making me feel that and giving me a chance to repent.

    One thing i would advice you all that for a second just have a look at your past and repent as i forgot all that mistakes and never felt guilty on that but ALLAH made me to repent so do the same and stay blessed...

    • Whether he repents and feels guilty or not, that matter is between him and Allah--not your business. Your business is to focus on your relation with Allah, as you are doing already, mashaAllah.

      Also sister, the way you are allowing yourself to feel much worried about the way he ignores you while in front of you is not a good thing at all. He is not doing anything, but you are the one making yourself look cheap infront of him and digging a hole for yourself of which if he notice could use to take advantage of you and make you feel even more cheaper--so be more conscious of yourself sister. May Allah protect you from that. Ameen!

      If you think changing a school would be possible, then please talk to your parents about it.

      • JazakALLAH for these words, i really needed that...
        No i can't change my school and on second thought why should i run or change my school, i know i loved him sincerely but he was a player that was not my mistake but i really wish he could get this thing that others' feelings are not his toy because on last day he said clearly that he has not done anything wrong...
        I know its his business to repent or not but i don't know why i still don't want him to go towards the wrong path...
        But one thing is sure i can't forgive him for playing with my feelings...

  2. Myt_Girl: That simply means that he used me or just did time-pass but why because he knew how much sincere i was getting.....Today the question is not that how will i love someone else, the question is he played with me and leading a peaceful life, blocking me from social sites, whenever comes in front of me he just change his way, and i am the only one suffering why not he?

    You are suffering because you saw him as a lover while he saw you as a girl that could provide him with sexual gratification. You did not do any thing wrong. Lot of boys/men use this love trick to get a girl ready for intimacy. Some even tell a girl that they are going to marry her. Just ignore him.

  3. Okay may be he was interested in my body and was not in love with me but was that my mistake like i still love him and missing him and that time lot... Ever since he left i tried to improve my relation with ALLAH and Islam, tried to focus on myself, repented on my all sins that comes under Huqooq ul Ebad, I am trying to improve Huqooq ul ALLAH, i am reading more about Islam which i never did before, goes to institute, fake but yeah enjoying sort of and keep myself busy with friends... But in the end i fell alone, in the end these things seems useless and worthless like why am i running from my feelings, why am i doing all this etc... May be he is my worldly desire but he is my desire i love him...
    I wonder was there anything wrong with me that he did something like that with me, i was missing him so i checked his profile, after he left he posted that "I never stopped loving you i stopped showing it to you" and "Whenever i miss you i re-read our old conversation". But i was shocked to see that he used to say that you were my crush ever since we were in 10th grade but two years back he posted very romantic lines for his gf or lover which he didn't mentioned before and he was committed and i never came to know it before, how fool i was. That simply means that he used me or just did time-pass but why because he knew how much sincere i was getting.
    Today the question is not that how will i love someone else, the question is he played with me and leading a peaceful life, blocking me from social sites, whenever comes in front of me he just change his way, and i am the only one sufering why not he? I know it was also my mistake but still he hurt me and is in front of me then how can i forget him? I always shiver whenever he comes in front of me because of the thoughts that comes in my mind that he played with me and must be laughing on me and ruined my image in front of his friend circle as his friend always notice me and tells him whether i am looking or not but he never looks at me.

    • Dear Sister,

      Before this Dunya, we took an oath and promised Allah swt that we would obey Him and worship Him when we come to this world. We accepted the challenge--now we have no memory of it, like we have no memory of our birth--but both did happen.

      Now, in this dunya, we break our oaths and fail all the time. Not just you, we all do--but the ironic part is we cry when others betray us. Tell me, which betrayal is greater? When we fall short of our goals in worshipping Allah swt OR when humans just behave like ... humans?

      Listen, you can choose to put this boy on a pedestal, but do not be disappointed if he doesn't uphold your expectations. Most of what you have made of him is created in your mind--he could only prove his worth as a husband, but truly he is nothing to you. Again, whatever choices you make, have consequences.

      The only thing I wanted to convey to you was that you need to focus on the bigger picture. You are not the only one with wordly desires sister. All of us have them and that is the test of this world. If we didn't have wordly desires, what would be the trial in this world then?

      The most challenging thing in this world is remaining focused while facing an invisible enemy, shaitaan, who mercilessly and relentlessly, wants us to fail.

    • Rather than wasting your time asking all the "whys" about what he did to you, maybe you should focus on thanking Allah trillion times for saving you from worse errors in the future, and continue to work on your relationship with Allah--when you understand and follow His guidance properly, your heart will feel alright, and plus you won't find yourself in such horrible situations again, inshaAllah.

  4. Listen To God what he is suggesting to the whole humans that there should not be any sexualy relationship with non mahrim or other sex

  5. I am going through something so similar that I read the things you wrote and I am like "man, I just said the same thing to myself earlier today."

    Here is what Iearned:

    Nobody needs to be in your life. They choose to be in it and can leave whenever they want because they are not required to stay because they do not need you to survive.

    It is up to you who you bring into your life but you can not force them to stay. They are not hostages.

    The same way they can not force you to stay in your life and make you a hostage.

    There is no way to tell if he is happy or not. You think he is happy but he could be pretending. Only Allah knows how he really feels. Don't focus on that. It will hurt you more and more. Some people are better at hiding feelings than others. Maybe he sees you and thinks you are happy too. Or at least okay with the situation.

    It doesn't matter how he feels, what matters is that you need to take care of yourself. You need to be strong and put yourself back together again.

    You have to work on having a stronger bond with Allah. Keep all of your trust in Allah. Don't let those "I will never love anyone else," or "Nobody will love me," "I will never have this connection with someone else." rule your mind. It is not true and it is not real. Allah has someone ready for you already. Trust in Him.

    Focus on yourself. Go to school, work, gym, friends, family, etc. Pray, read Quran, watch lectures, etc.

    I don't know if I gave you good advice or anyone else who is reading this. I am just currently going through something very similar with the same thoughts and feelings. Please give dua for both me and the OP and everyone else going through it. It is very very very very very very very painful and sometimes it gets too much to handle.

    -starclusters

    • Dear Starcluster and OP,

      InshaAllah you will heal Sister. Allahs SWT swears in the holly Qura'an that with every hardship there is ease. My dear sisters OP and Starclusters, with time you will heal. And with much effort placed in connecting with Allah SWT you will surely heal. I was very hurt once, so bad that it took me a year to completely get over this brother. And I never thought that I could ever find someone else attractive or love again even though deep down I wanted to believe that I could. And here I am, a year and half past time, and I cant even imagine why I was so caught up in that person. You will heal InshaAllah, but you need to give effort in reconnecting with Allah SWT, and give yourself time to heal and you need to spend valuable time with those that love you. It was through my family that made it easy for me to get through Alhamdulillah. But the best remedy is the constant reminder to oneself that "Allah is near me, Allah loves me and Allah will protect me".

      I know your pain, and I pray that Allah SWT eases/removes your pain InshaAllah.

      SisterZahriya

    • Jazak ALLAH Starclusters and SisterZahriya for these advices, i really appreciate it... I know ALLAH will heal our pain soon... I can understand that how much pain you guys must have been through as i am dealing with the same thing and it really hurts...
      Starclusters: There is no way to tell if he is happy or not. You think he is happy but he could be pretending. Only Allah knows how he really feels. Don't focus on that. It will hurt you more and more. Some people are better at hiding feelings than others. Maybe he sees you and thinks you are happy too. Or at least okay with the situation.
      He is happy and i am damn sure about it, he is in front of me whole time i can see that how much he is hiding and how much he is happy and he knows it very well how much i am suffering... Still it doesn't matter to him and sometimes it shows me weak that why i am having feelings for such a stubborn person but well i have asked ALLAH to help me out and show me the right path...
      I hope and really wish you guys also heal from this pain soon as i can understand your situation very well... You gave me a good advice and JAZAKALLAH for your help and concern...
      I will pray for you guys and for all those who are suffering such a heartache...

      • This is true Myt_Girl, regarding what Starclusters has said, and I am glad you appreciate it. We don't know if he is truly happy or not, but I think we do know that he is happy without you. Usually when a man no longer pursue you or no longer wishes to marry you, it means that he is happy with his decision to let things go.
        I know Starclusters that is hard to accept, but it is reality. He may be unhappy due to a number of other factors in his life, but in regards to a former love if a man does not pursue you he is not interested and in all likelihood quite content with the decision he has made.

        Hopefully this realization helps all women move on from ill-fated relationships!

  6. Sister,

    This guy is only after one thing and one thing only. He knew he wasn't going to get any where with you so he saw you as a waste of his time. You really should see this for what it is and nothing more. A guy trying to take advantage of a young girl for his own sexual gratification.Take your experience and learn from it. Save your love for the man who will father your children.

    Salam

  7. OP: He left you after you stopped him when he tried to kiss you..... you hugged and kissed before

    I think he is only interested in your body. Even if he comes back he will use you sexually and leave.
    You need to focus on you studies. Hugging and kissing a non-Mahrem is not love, It is a short step towards getting naked and doing other things.

    You sound depressed. Stay away from men/boys.

  8. So you are wondering why Allah is not listening to you as in not helping you be in a haraam relationship? This guy clearly was not interested in you he was just interested in just fooling around and when you made it clear you want none of that he moved on. Forget about him focus on something else and dont let a looser ruin your happiness. Next time someone says they are interested in you tell them to go talk with your father for your hand that will save a lot of heartache and temptations.

  9. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    You didn't want a relationship with a boy, but you did anyway.
    You didn't want to kiss, but you did anyway.
    You didn't want to be girlfriend and boyfriend, but you prayed for it all of the time.

    He stopped communicating with you after you said no to his intimate advances and then Allah swt didn't answer your prayers in returning him to you. Your friends call him selfish, when he is really just being honest.

    Dear sister, be thankful that he didn't pretend to come back as a friend and deceive you into having an intimate relationship to satisfy his temporary desires with you. Be thankful that Allah swt protected you. The pain that you are in is self-created in your mind driven by desires to have what you want and not driven by what is best for you in the eyes of Allah swt. Yes, it hurts. It will hurt when we step outside the boundaries of Allah's protection and put our fragile hearts in the hands of those who don't deserve it.

    Sister, this isn't about forgetting him or making him the enemy or rising above him or forgetting him...this is bigger. This is about choosing to stay on the path that Allah wants you to be on and this is about your connection with Allah swt. We can't escape pain in this world even when we stay within the boundaries of Islam. However, we can, access protection from that pain when we seek Allah's will. Being connected to Allah swt helps us to cure our sadness, protect our feelings, understand deeper, become wiser, heal while we hurt and so much more.

    I suggest that you start healing your relationship with Allah swt, focus all your energy and attention on yourself, your health, your studies, your prayers, your family, you! Do not engage in any bf/gf relationships. We aren't here on earth to chase our every desire or notion that might seem to quench our thirst...but we are here with a purpose to specifically worship Allah swt and enjoy the things that are halal through halal means by putting our best efforts forth.

    May Allah swt heal your pain and help you through this difficult time, Ameen.

    • Great response, mashaAllah, especially this part:

      "Sister, this isn't about forgetting him or making him the enemy or rising above him or forgetting him...this is bigger. This is about choosing to stay on the path that Allah wants you to be on and this is about your connection with Allah swt. We can't escape pain in this world even when we stay within the boundaries of Islam. However, we can, access protection from that pain when we seek Allah's will. Being connected to Allah swt helps us to cure our sadness, protect our feelings, understand deeper, become wiser, heal while we hurt and so much more."

    • This comment is so healing. I really needed to read this. I really needed this reminder. I always get so lost in my pain that I can never see the big picture till someone reminds me of things like this.

      May Allah truly give you Jannah for your wisdom and empathy. You have helped me and may Allah heal others just like me like how I am healing right now. And may He protect you from heartache/heartbreak and pain. Thank you.

    • Subhana Allah wonderful advise. I would advise the OP to take this advise very seriously.

    • JAZAKALLAH great response and i will take this advice seriously...

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