Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How should I cope from this pain?

Hope versus HopelessnessAssalamualaikum everyone..

First of all i would like to thank you to everyone of you who have taken your time to read this first post of mine.. I apologize if any of my remarks that i make offended you..

I am a 17 year old boy.. Last year i fell in love with a christian girl who was about the same as my age.. Although she was a few months older.. At first i have no intention of wanting to enter into a relationship with her.. In fact i was scared if it.. Ive been in a relationship but it didnt end well.. It was not a serious relationship.. No physical and rarely have any contact..

I left after i found out that the girl still loved her previous lovers..  After that i told myself not to repeat it but my conviction to it wasnt strong yet.. I felt so alone.. All that i want is to make her my friend so that i have someone to talk to.. In school im a loner.. I usually keep everything in my mind.. I only talk when i have to.. I rarely log into any social site like facebook..

But after what happened in my previous relationship, my confidence and self esteem was shaken to its core and i was so scared to everything.. people, cars and the everyday conversation.. And right after this incident, I met her.. During this time she started to be friendly with me..

As time goes on.. We would laugh,talk, and even studied with each other.. Theres so many things that i like about her and I liked her not in a intimate way.. But in a friendly way.. To me, the possibility of us being in a relationship was impossible as she was a christian (Catholic) and im a Muslim..  From her, i thought to myself i can finally learn to speak up and dont be afraid to people and at the same time have a good laugh and replace old memories..

Despite me being her friend.. I would buy things for her to help her and her friends.. I do respect her friends too but i keep my distance from them.. I didnt like attention.. But at times we would converse with each other.. When she had no money i would give it to her.. When she lacks school stationery like books and pencils.. I would it buy for her and of course her friends if they needed it..

I did all this because I liked the way it feels when i am helping someone and at that time, i began to realize the reality of life.. And through her i wanted to atone everything by doing good things to her.. From Allah we came and to Him we return.. When I was young, I never get the chance to properly educate myself about Islam.. I was a different person entirely.. I used to think the world as being eternal.. Having no end.. And all the calamities that befall on me showed that God hates me..

And with it i gave up hope of trying to return to Him.. In a sense, I treated God as if God is human.. Not entirely human but His qualities are like that of humans.. His mercy is not eternal and have boundaries that when crossed, there will be no hope of returning.. Forever doomed..

However, one day after i finished my zuhr prayer, i received a phonecall.. It was her.. The christian girl.. She confessed her feelings to me.. When she did that i did not know what to do.. I froze and sit still for a moment.. I never received a phonecall from a girl.. In fact i rarely received text and calls from my friends at all.. I usually live in my own world.. She asked me if i had any feelings for her.. I said yes.. I do have feelings for her but i am comfortable with her being my friend..

After a few days, things went as usual.. We talk, laugh and spend times like everybody else.. No intimation as I thought she had forgotten about it.. I was a bit naive.. Just the good old laughs and jokes and assistance for homework.. Usually after school ends we would walk out of school together and wait for transport to go home.. Unexpectedly it was there everything starts..

She ask me to go into a relationship with her.. At first i doubt it.. I was scared when she said that but in the end i decided to go for it.. A decision that i would regret in the future.. Forgive me O Allah..

During the time in our relationship, everything was a joyful bliss to me and her.. Our friendship grew stronger and everything went smooth as usual.. We would text each other and call each other.. We started to get physical with each other when she first touched and hold my hand.. I never touch a girl's hand before.. In fact i didnt want to.. I just want my relationship to be clean.. And there is the time when she kissed me for the first time..

I still remember that moment, it hurts me every single day.. I didnt know all these things would happened.. Despite that i promised myself not to kiss her and do anything overly physical like hugging her until we get married.. Yes, we planned to get married and in fact she asked me to find names to our kids in which i did without doubt of losing her in the future..

We experience so many things.. Both good and bad.. At times she would call me late at night and cry to me because her parents are constantly fighting and this puts so much pressure to her.. Despite us having different religion, i always advice her to pray to God and stay strong.. I would talk to her about how much God loves her and His mercy.. And I also advise her not to hate her parents for being like that.. Just pray for them to change and always love them..

And to add things up I too pray to God to ease her suffering in this world.. Hearing all this only end up making her cry even more.. But she stated that it was not because she was disappointed.. It was because she is grateful to find me.. When incidents like this happens, I would usually stay up late at night with the phone on my ears to accompany her until she fell asleep.. She would cry and i always did my best to comfort her.. And in the end i woke up late because of it.. Sometimes i continue to stay awake to study..

But contact between us didnt last long as her mother finds out about our relationship and she scolded me for it.. I felt so ashamed of myself and regret yet in my heart, i didnt want to lose her.. When the time came I wanted to tell her to break off our relationship but just before i did that she cried in front of me.. That was the first time I saw her or a girl like that.. Crying because of me.. Seeing her desperate tears and state, i decided otherwise..

It was not my nature to go against an elder's command or wishes.. It hurts me every single day being in a relationship with her but i kept it deep inside me.. I buried it.. We continued our relationship as usual.. And at this point our relationship was like a husband a wife.. I admit i know what is going on between us is an illusion but i still thrive to keep it going because i worked hard to build my future for her..

Deep inside me i am ready to commit everything to her.. As i have mentioned earlier, I study hard and basically plans everything for my future and her.. She was the center of my life.. Marriage with her and having a stable securities in financial and family obligations was my objective.. However, deep inside, I was in a constant pain.. She never knew it.. And it was during this period of time i developed a strong feeling of jealousy.. The christian girl was someone who liked to befriend guys..

She liked to be near them rather than the girls like sitting beside them.. Her excuse is that they were her best friends and she was used to be friends with guys rather than girls.. I usually advise her to keep her distance but dont abandon her friendship.. It was her friends not me.. It was her right.. Just be careful and keep her distance.. But it came to a point that her attitude went so wild that she started to ignore me at times because of it..

I was so angry of it and cry a lot because of it but yet in the end i forgive her.. I really wanted to marry her and i wanted to get credit from Allah for forgiving her.. And finally comes the day when i accidentally got a bit angry at her.. At that time, I was in so much pressure.. I didnt scream at her.. I was a bit harsh on her.. My mind was so confused at that time.. I was pressured with my studies and everything.. And at that time, I began to see the signs that her love for me was fading.. She somehow have changed.. But i kept myself quiet.. Hoping and praying to Allah to fulfill our dreams..

I didnt look at her weaknesses.. I accept her the way she is.. I dont care.. I myself had weakness..  I didnt realize a thing that i did.. And after what i did she cried a lot and one day she said to me that it is better for both of us to be friends.. It took my entire heart and strength to say yes to her decision.. I accept her decision because i felt guilty and it was the right thing to do..

It strike me right into my heart.. I was so shattered and shocked.. I started to miss school for a week.. I hurt myself badly during that time ( I didnt hurt myself just venting my anger by boxing..).. I cant believe what had happened.. My whole world start to turn bleak.. The colours faded away..

This time I got so angry at her for real.. How could she abandon me just like that..?? All this time i've been with her.. All the things that i do and sacrifice for her.. I accept her the way she is even though it made me uncomfortable and miserable at times..  All the hard times i helped her to go through.. Now her parents no longer fight.. Alhamdulillah for that but still i am so confused.. And all the pain i had to fight for refusing to follow her mothers wishes..

She did so many mistakes on me and i forgive her.. She promise to change and i gave her time and my promise to change too.. My promise was to never get angry at her.. And through this promise i now become a somewhat friendly and good person.. Back then i usually get angry a lot.. I also said i will never leave her.. Because i believe she will change.. I gave her time.. But if she cant then i accept her the way she is..

But now everything is lost.. It was all a Lie.. I kept remembering the memories and i got mad because she doesnt view it the same way as i did.. She forgets all the promises.. She gave up too early.. At one point, I cry so hard that my eyes hurt and i couldnt open it.. and i started to punch things if i remember her.. My aggressive nature started to return.. Every single day now i had to bear the pain of seeing her.. I am in the same class as her..

It hurts me to see the girl who forgets everything in a day.. And now here i am confused and lost.. Despite her wanting me to be friends, all i want is to get rid of her from my life.. I regret everything that i did to her.. I regret for not listening to her mother's advice.. At times she still talks to me but i usually kept myself quiet and show no interest in her.. However if she needs help with studies i usually would help her like everyone else..

But yet still deep inside i wanted to shout at her to go away.. I no longer wanted to be with her..  I did my best to keep out of contact with her.. I burned everything that i gave to her like a teddy bear ( She asked me to keep it because she doesnt want her mother to find out)..  Literally everything.. And just recently she ask me to give it back but i informed her otherwise.. I regret it so much..

But still inside me.. I feel ashamed and guilty for being angry at her.. And now i felt hopeless of finding someone to spend the rest of my life with after i get a good job and financial securities.. I am afraid of myself.. I regret everything that i have done.. :(..

Help me brothers and sisters to cope with this.. The memories are bringing the bad side out of me.. It hurts a lot to see that she seems to not care what she did to me.. But for making me strong and finally opened my eyes, I thank Allah for it.. Right now im doing my best to walk in our Deen, Islam and remember Him always.. But still.. In my mind i still ask myself.. Am i doing the right thing for getting rid of her..?? And all the memories that i had with her.. Is there a way to remove it..??

Once again thank you for taking the time to read my post.. I wish to apologize for making it too long.. I wanted to share my experience and help to give better perspective of my experience.. And again thank you so much brothers and sisters..

With regards,

A Wanderer

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7 Responses »

  1. Allah test us with, girls, money, knowledge, dieseses, etc.. And u have lost man.., just like most of us.. Just pray to Allah 4 forgiveness.. U'l b 5yn. But don't repeat the same mistakes, though Allah won't forgive you.. Gud luck..

    • "U'l b 5yn. But don't repeat the same mistakes, though Allah won't forgive you.. "

      Brother ahamed, Allah is the best at forgiveness if you truly repent. No matter what,he will always be there for you.

  2. Assalamalikum brother,
    I have experienced a similar scenario but with a muslim girl and we were much older. It is painful to know that you did everything for a person while they don't give the same back. You cannot blame the girl or even yourself. Allah does things for the best of us. You might have felt happy and confident for a brief period of time, but if the relationship grew longer, it might have caused serious problems in your life. Allah knew that if she stayed with you, you would have been unhappy. You said it yourself that you felt bad for being with her, going behind the mothers back.

    My advice is to pray to Allah for forgiveness,increase your iman. Allah is always there to listen to you. Once I started to learn more about islam and praying more, I felt this sense of happiness and peace that I had never experienced before. I wish you all the best brother and insha'allah you will be happy 🙂

  3. i know its hard to move on giving someone so much that you have never gave anyone before and all you get is emotional abuse in return which feels much painful than physical pain right?

    listen your not the only one whos suffering this sort of pain i myself gave someone so much and all i get was being used and played about with aint a nice world out there we should be careful.

    be glad that Allah has giving you signs and woken you up before it was to late from further distruction because i myself feel grateful towards allah fro savng me from further damage.

    people come and go in life , they teach us all a leson in life , its test you see we all get tested at time without realising, i know its hard but you have no choice but to move on never look back in life especially at your mistakes because it will encourage you to go back and making more as the shaitan wants this.

    if i where you i would focus more on my imam and deen and thank allah everyday from waking me up.
    pray as much as you can like duroods and do zikrs don't forget our daily 5times a day prayer.

    keep making dua that in shaa allah allah swt will guide or muslimah and muslims on right path and place everyone with the best and compatible spouse they deserve.

    in shaa allah with great time comes greater things focus on whats more important like family friends islam and especially allah swt ,for now time flies anyway after a couple years who knows you would have already found someone ten times better than her and she would appreciate everything you do for her so be strong and don't feel like your alone allah is always here to protect us so appreciate what allah has done for you before it was too late.

    hope you feel better very soon in shaa allah il remember you in my duas as im going through a similar situation and i know its not a nice pain to feel right now.

  4. Brother,

    Life is often filled with regrets of either things we have done or said. This girl regardless of her faith, crushed your heart as if it were nothing. I have seen it before. I have seen it in my very own son. The hurt, anger and gut wrenching pain. However, this is what happens when we do not follow the will of Allah. Girlfriends (or whatever you want to call them) have no place in Islam.

    Yesterday is gone and today is a new day. Learn from this situation and have no regrets...this is a lesson unto you. Save yourself for the woman who will share a life with you and be the mother of your children...better known as your wife. Ask Allah for forgiveness for your transgressions as he is merciful and forgiving.

    Last but not least, you seriously need to separate yourself from this girl. No need to hang around with her or the like. The only thing you are going to end up doing is dreaming about what could have been or the "what if's". Be done with it all and focus on your studies because that is what is most important at this time in your life.


  5. U l surely gt a dsrvin gal...its nt in our control r partner's emotions and feelings. Wel m suffering from wat u hv alrdy suffrd...may allah bls u...he is da only healer.

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