Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Does he really love me, or does he just want a visa?

Love in Islam

Asalaamu Alaikum

I reverted to Islam a year ago now, 3 months into my reversion I was on a facebook group page and was reading a post saw a comment from a man whom intrigued me by his response so i requested him as a friend, he accept, and I messaged him. My journey starts from there...

Conversation wasn't slow starting it was as if I knew him my whole life and I have fallen in love with this man... We talk every single day, whether it's facebook messaging, skype, we talk.

2 months after we first start talking he tells me he wants to marry me etc. I told him that I would be honored to be his wife. I have never given him money, but he has sent me money numerous times, paid for a ticket to get me away from a very bad environment that costed $750.00 he has sent me money in numerous situations, he has helped me, He paid for my passport 5 months after we started talking so we could make arrangements for me to meet him when he goes to visit his family. I do not work I am a college student I have nothing to offer him, I don't work I don't have my own place. he is 4 years younger than me I have read so many things in particular about Moroccan and Tunisian men and it scares me to death to read the things that I have. How good they are at claiming their love for someone and then leave them it brings tears to my eyes to read these things it brings tears to my eyes to think this could happen to so many women.

He wants to come to US but tells me that if I have doubts he doesn't need my help he will figure it out, but every time we talk about marriage it's always about coming here and being together etc.  I go to him for engagement soon in a couple weeks and honestly I am confused...

I want to believe he loves me and cares for me, but i don't know I really need some advice please someone.. anyone.. :'( I don't want my heart  broken again before Islam I was beat down, abused, hospitalized but Alhamdulillah I am here to talk about it today I need advice please....



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15 Responses »

  1. Be very, very careful.

    He has access to a country full of muslim women in his own country. He has no reason to go across the ocean to find a wife, much less a young college student. And yes, what you have heard about Morrocan men is correct. It is a very common practice for them to marry overseas and then send money back to their families. In fact, aside from tourism, money sent from morroccans overseas is one of the country's main economic resources -- I am not joking or exaggerating about that.

    You are a college student. You have a wide open future in front of you. Finish your education, make some muslim friends, and move on. If you are insistent that he remain in your life, then ask a muslim elder to communicate with him on your behalf.

    DO NOT take any more money from this man. He is just someone you met on the internet. You don't know him. What if he complains to the police that a girl online extorted money from him? It happens.

    Cut off all ties with him, and when you are ready and more mature, you can look for a nice muslim man to marry.

    • I agree with each and every point of yours
      but must say one thing, this girl sent the request and started this process herself. The guy did not come to her so he must be given credit for that

      • It isn't really a debit-credit matter. He is pushing marriage and money and (probably) misleading her.

      • this girl sent the request and started this process herself. The guy did not come to her so he must be given credit for that

        We should keep in mind that this sister just reverted to Islam and is in the initial stages of learning the etiquettes and adab of the Deen--who should know more, her or him?

    • 100% agree.

  2. I don't think you should be with him
    It don't matter where the person is from now a days it is about visa's or Money FACT
    by the sound of it you have nothing in common
    And if you know deep down something is not right then follow your heart. Do not ignore your own gut instinct.

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    It's difficult for any of us to tell you whether this man will turn out to be genuine or not. But what we can advise is that you are cautious.

    If you have arranged to go and visit him, is there someone you can take with you - a male relative would be ideal if possible? Then, meet with his family and his friends, talk with them about what sort of person he is and observe how he interacts with others - and this is where having someone with you is so important: while you are going with an expectation of what he might be like, they won't have a pre-made idea of him so are more likely to notice any character issue. Make sure that when you meet with people, it is in a public place and where people know you will be - always think safety first when you're meeting people from the internet IRL.

    Don't rush into anything. Pray istikhara and listen to the opinions of other people who you trust. And listen to your gut instinct.

    Midnightmoon editor

  4. Many foreign men just get married to get a Visa. Some of them are already married and lie. There families know that they are just marrying to get permanent residence and will divorce the woman.

    You say ".but every time we talk about marriage it's always about coming here and being together etc". That shows he wants to be togather (sex) only.

    Even if you go to his country, you may not know the truth. He may introduce his wife as his cousin.

  5. Salam Sister,

    Rarely I heard a genuine online relationship works. You need to know that a person can hide a lot in writing, they can be a completely different person behind the fake internet world. I wonder how much you know about this person and his background. And, how much of those information given are true from him. IT IS SO DANGEROUS.

    Sister, the world is not simple, not because they said they are muslim and you should throw yourself to them. They love to play with people who have innocent mind and desperate in marriage. Be careful. He and his friend and family can so pretend to be extremely nice to you for the one time visit. I doubt how much you can find out about him by only one visit. And did you mention that it is an engagement meet already? I understand he must sound charming or look handsome, don't fall into those qualities. Don't rush things.

    As one of the response mentioned that there are tons of muslim women in their country, why they would like to marry an oversea muslim. Is it quite clear he wants the US visa?

    Not to be stereotype muslim men from Tunisia / Morocco, one need to be extra caution no matter where are they from. As you said, you are in college (how old are you? 22, 23??) and he is younger than you ( 18??), why he would so want to marry now?

    Do not rush thing. Also, you should return every single penny that he sent it to you. You should not accept any money from any men especially they are not related to you. Don't you feel not right from the beginning to take his money?

    Sister, be fair to yourself, don't run to those abused cycle. One suggestion if you are concerned about marriage or would like to get marry soon, go to the Iman of your masjid, tell him that you are a convert and would like to seek for a man to marry. They can help you out there. Inshallah, sister, I don't want to see you get hurt. Stop the flight ticket.

  6. Ѕαℓαм αℓαукυм
    Alhamdulillahh brothers and sisters here have given various advices which are very useful. I would like to point out some facts here,u've been talking about how he cares about you and the whole falling in love thing but Hellooo Sis! We actually don't know what got u attracted to this person in the first place and what still kept you attracted to him till now. Is it the money?,sweet words?online care chat?..what really is it? U may not like this question but its a fact Sis.
    As muslims, Islam teaches us to marry the Father/ mother of our children when choosing a spouse and not just thinking of our desires alone(online chat cnt guaranty u that though). Now Are you following the 4 qualities that Rasullullah (saw) told us to follow while looking for a spouse? And out of those 4 qualities are you taking the deen with higher prefrence to the remaining 3 as Rasullullah (saw) said its the best? But trust me, anyone can claim sainthood or piety behind the scene(online) and they are totally something else in real. Am not pointing fingers but just saying from my own point of view..
    So now u really need to ask yourself sister,why do u want this guy? What do u appreciate in him and what if that thing leaves him tomorrow,would the love also be gone,then don't marry him.(Even though,to what I know,all these chatting stuffs are not halal ways of getting married and makes u reveal what and what not). May Allah guide and forgive us all.اللهم آمِيّنْ
    How many people,maybe your close friends know this guy?and what do they think about him? Since you reverted to Islam, I guess you should have someone who keep a check on you to know how you coping with the deen,right? Have you spoken to this person or maybe some Imam/Aalim who can give better advice than us here(trust me) about this guy? Don't go thinking all u got to do is Istikhara and u then follow your mind,atimes when we have our mind made up,we might just be affiliating it to Istikhara...I believe you got to do the right thing,take the right safe steps, that's your own part then Istikhara is now to rely on Allah for that which is not in your hands and not something you did nothing about.
    Another point is, u said he's 4years younger than you, but we don't know your age sister! Maybe if you let us in on that we can be able to say more if this guy is just a young kid in the block catching somefun with enough cash to spend just to complete the cruise or probably some group of boys taking a bet on peoples feelings out there..Allahu ahlam. May Allah forgive me wherever I went wrong and may HE out of HIS Infinite Mercy,guide us all...ѕαℓαм αℓαукυм ωαгαнмαтυℓℓαн ωαвαгαкαтυн

  7. If he can figure it out and come to your country without your help, let him do it. On his own.
    Let him find a job once he comes and show and proof you that he is the one. Do no go to his country at all. Make him show you that instead of just marriage talking he can start working on his visa because he really wants to be with you.

    • Modest_Muslimah

      I totally agree with katkuta. Let him come on his own, dont move an inch towards him. He is quite young and not ready yet for a family life. He just wants to come over to have some fun As a Muslim man living no where in the west, I would advise u to stop looking around for men and concentrate more on ur DEEN where u will find more happiness. U should stop following in the footsteps of ur previous faith where u freely interacted with boys. Islam is not about such relationships. It is more about knowing ur creator and exploring how u could get ALLAH SWT more in ur life.

      The problem with us as born Muslims or reverts is that we can't leave our cultures behind and indulge in haram things. Islam prohibits haram relationships, but sorry to say reverts think its halal.

      If u have reverted to a true faith, then prove ur worth to ALLAH SWT, At this time u should be learning about ur five daily prayers, about reading Quran in Arabic, about fasts, etc.

      May ALLAH SWT keep u steadfast in ur DEEN, AMEEN

  8. Ukhti, I agree with everyone else in urging extreme caution; in fact, I agree with the person who suggested breaking off the relationship.

    It is not unknown for convert sisters to be seriously misused. More than one American sister has borne several children and then discovered that her husband had another wife - in fact, some who were actually the first wife learned that dear husband's trip home - or his missing weekend - was to celebrate a nikkah with someone else. There are masajid in the US that will happily indulge Brother Sunnah's wish to have more than one wife. (It has always fascinated me that these men insist that they are "sunnah men" and having more than one wife because the Nabi (SAAW) had more than one wife. Yet they never seem to marry widows and old ladies, and they aren't known for routinely helping with the housework, which are also things the Nabi (SAAW) did. In many cases the emotional pain is only exceeded by the financial pain.)

    Another popular game is financially exploiting the convert sister. She is advised to accept his teaching her a verse of Quran, or the grand sum of one dollar for her mahr. Then, when he dumps her, his fellow countrymen and women will sagely advise her that things like alimony are "unIslamic" and suggest she live on her mahr. Oops.

    A variant on this is persuading the sister to give up her inheritance rights as a wife. Generally other sisters cannot help such a sister as when one advises that the advice she has been given - that a wife should not inherit, only the chidren, and that it is their duty to support her - said sister will loudly insist that her in-laws are MUSLIMS living in a MUSLIM COUNTRY and they should know, and what kind of fitna spreader are you to suggest that a one dollar mahr and signing inheritance rights away is not a good idea? After all, aren't we to trust in Allah (SWT) and pay no heed to material goods?

    What can happen is hubby gets his green card, and as soon as he is sure he can keep it after divorce - or when he decides to return to the Olde Sod - the American wife finds herself with no husband, no alimony, and no child support. In the worst cases, hubby takes the children home and the little woman finds out when he doesn't come home after taking the kids to the park. An acquaintance of mine, of south Slavic ancestry, a born Hanafi Muslim from a people who were converted to Islam in Ottoman times, married a Turk who split and took her little baby with him, to be raised by his mother.

  9. And so now we are all most a year that we are dating...

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