Been intimate with my girlfriend but her family refused me as Istikhaarah is negative
Allah is 'Al-Mujeeb' - The one who responds
My situation is very complicating.I am a Guy and I have beeen with this girl since last 3 years. She has been my girlfriend since then and we have been going out steadIly. I am the only guy who she has ever spoken to and the only guy who has ever touched her. We had intimate relation.
Please forgive me if I am being bold or too much open, but I think its better to be out spoken and honest to get a proper suggestion.
By intimate relation I mean is that we used to have phone sex, send naked photos of each other, and sometimes i used to touch her sensitive parts when we meeet and kiss etc . I know we were sinful but I will pray for our forgiveness.
The problem is that recently I sent proposal to her family. My whole family and I went to their house. After some days they refused and said "They had a very bad Istikhara".
Now I dont understand, would it be better for us to forget each other and move on ? but then what about the people we will end up marrying? We will never be able to tell them about our past relation. we will have to live a lie the whole life. and what if our life partners ever ask us if we ever had any past relation? If we have ever touched anyone? or if anyone every touched us? We will never be able to be honest and if we ever tell them, it will ruin our marriages.
My questions are mentioned below;
Q1. In situation like this; is it suitable to do Istikhara? or shall people decide without Istikhara and accept proposal with Allah Tawakal?
Q2. A thought came to my mind that I should be honest and straight forward and speak to her family and tell them everything about our relation, like the physical part and etc. so that they can understand the exact situation we are into?
Q3. My sister got the Istikhara positive but her mother negative.. how is it possible ? Is it not true If Allah is guiding he will guide both the family in same way?
Q.4 Shall Istikhara be done by the guy and girl who are to be married or their parents and family?
Q5. Suggest me what shall i Do please?
Q6. What does Quran and Sunnah says about it ? ( after what we have already done , should we do Istikhara?)
Please suggest
- Complication
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As salamu alaykum,
Istikhara should be done by the people directly involved in the situation, with this I mean this girl and you, you have a link on top of the page where you can have all the directions to do it properly.
Begin from cero, repent from your sins, and keep them between you and Allah(swt) you don´t know how her family would react if they know you have touched her.
Talk to your Imaan to make them understand that this is between the girl and you, he may have the patience and the knowledge to make them understand what is the right steps to take, and propose again to her.
Do tawbah, and move with a cold head you are too upset now, you need to calm down and think about the best movement to do, don´t disclose your sins that can hurt both of you terribly right now and in the future.
You don´t necessary need her family approval but try to do your best to get it.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother, Asalaamualaykum,
Its quite simple.
1) Do sincere tawbah and vow never to return to those sins again. Encourage the girl involved to do the same.
2) Straighten yourself and turn back to your Deen
3) You and the girl do istikhara yourselves. If you are focussed on your deen and want to build your home on an Islamic basis, then try to get married. Do it the halaal way. Involve your parents and instead of going on about 'love shuv', talk logic.
4) Never tell the families involved about the sin. That would be a very foolish thing to do. They would never agree to you marrying her if they knew what you had done.
5) Never tell anyone about your sins as doing so is another great sin. Allah warns us not to reveal our sins.
6) If you both marry other people, you do not need to tell them about your past. As mentioned above, its a sin. Its something you have to live with yourself, its part of the package that comes with sinning. You can't make yourself feel better by off loading the guilt on to someone else. Its unfair to let a future/potential spouse have to deal with knowing your physical sins, as it will no doubt make them jealous and suspcious. So you will achieve nothing. Keep quiet and seek comfort in knowing that Allah forgives sin. So let go.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum Brother Complication,
Your past is between you and Allah. If you tell it to your partner, be aware of the risk of great mistrust and even breaking off of your relation. So better be quite and let Allah conceal the ill deeds.
Insha Allah I try to answer your questions one by one:
Q1. In situation like this; is it suitable to do Istikhara? or shall people decide without Istikhara and accept proposal with Allah Tawakal?
Ans. Istikhara is seeking guidance of Allah. We seek guidance of Allah every time we pray to Allah, in every rakah of our salaat when we read Surah Fatiha, what else is it but seeking guidance of Allah. Istikhara prayer is from the Sunnah where a person is advised to ask Allah to guide in the "important" matter where a decision is required. But I rely on seeking guidance in a matter in every salat, whenever there is any confusion. A Muslim has to accept Allah's will, but has to see if his actions are correct or not.
Q2. A thought came to my mind that I should be honest and straight forward and speak to her family and tell them everything about our relation, like the physical part and etc. so that they can understand the exact situation we are into?
Ans. There is no need to do so. If their daughters will she can do so. You don't have to. Repent to Allah for wrong actions. Keep her iizzat, her reputation in front of her family and society. Please. She is a girl.
Q3. My sister got the Istikhara positive but her mother negative.. how is it possible ? Is it not true If Allah is guiding he will guide both the family in same way?
Ans. Yes, this is why I do not make haste in decisions and ask Allah for guidance in every salaat. People go by desires ignorning reality many times and make istikhara responsible for their choice, instead of their rejection by choice following their own desires. Some people make it an excuse. Many do istikharaha and engagements fail, things do not turn up well. So we should see reality, ask Allah to help us with the process and take decisions, as well as take responsibility of our decisions.
Q.4 Shall Istikhara be done by the guy and girl who are to be married or their parents and family?
Ans. If you want guidance, you should do it. In ramadan, can your sister fast on your behalf? Nope.
Q5. Suggest me what shall i Do please?
Ans. Pray to Allah for good. Keep patience. This is all that you need to do.
Q6. What does Quran and Sunnah says about it ? ( after what we have already done , should we do Istikhara?)
Ans. Your prayer to Allah, repentance and calling Him for help are most important things to do. Patience is to wait for Allah's command, with sabr and not desparation and wasted efforts. Allah loves those who put their trust in Him.
May Allah help you.
Salaam,
Your brother.
asslamow alikum hazrat sahab meri aur mantasha ki shaadi ike sabab me mai apna aur mantasha......
(Remainder of comment deleted by Editor)
Irfan,
Please read the links provided above on how to perform Istikhara. You should do it yourself and do not need names and dates of birth. You are asking Allah for guidance and He(swt) already knows the names and dates of births of those involved. The information on Istikhara should answer your query. If you have any further queries, please log in and submit your questions as a separate post. Further questions asked here in comments will be deleted.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor