My husband talks to other women online.
Assalam O Alaikum,
I have been married for almost 4 years now. My story is complicated so I will try to make it as simple as possible here. I came to the country my husband lives in which is Turkey to marry him. I am from the USA. I also had two daughters from a previous marriage. We hoped for a new life with my husband but he then became abusive to myself and my two daughters.
I had to send my daughters back to the states so they could get back into school and also to get them away from my husband since he was physically abusing us all by hitting us a lot. I could not get away myself at the tıme. I sent my daughters to somone who I thought was a friend but then she got guardainship of my girls and did not want to give them back to me. She is an atheist and does not like Muslims. It became very awful because I felt controlled by her and felt I could not get my two daughters back. My daughters are now 13 and 14 years old.
I finally left my husband last september and went to visit my daughters in the states with this friend and her husband where my children now reside. But she was emotinally abusive to me and so I had to get out of the situation. I ended up having to stay in a shed in her back yard and I felt awful. I tried to get legal help to get custody back of my girls but there was no legal help for someone with no money or resources.
My husband started contacting me again and asked me to come back here to Turkey. I missed my friends and the culture here, and I could not adjust to the USA after living in a mostly Muslim country, so I came back to Turkey. I have no family in the states as I grew up in foster care homes. I miss my daughters very much, but when I was in the states I felt there was no way of getting them back. But recently my husband has been talking to other women on dating sites.
He gambles online and stays up late at night. One day I found several messages to women. He lied to me about it too. He keeps making excuses saying that he can get anyone in the city where we live and that I should be happy that he only talks to girls online. He says he cant understand why he lies to these girls telling them he loves them. He said he can't stop talking online and he also watches porn films. I keep finding bad pictures of women on my computer. But he always tries to lie about it. I feel I just can't trust him and don't know what to do.
He also uses bad language when he talks to me. I told him to stop but he never does. Maybe he thinks so bad of women from watching porn that he then talks to me this way. He also does not buy food at times and I go hungry yet he says if this is my destiny then I must accept this. I can't work now in this country so I can't earn money myself.
I like living in this country very much and I don't want to go back to the USA but I don't know if I can stay married to him if he keeps talking to women online. He has stopped his physical violence but not emotional abuse. He often tells me I'm trash but then said he's just joking.
I'm older so its harder to leave thinking I may never marry again and also I have no family or good friends in the states that can help me anyway. I have friends here in Turkey and want to stay here but it's difficult to stay in this marriage. He also does not pray and so I have been told he's not a Muslim if he does not pray. I am trying to live a good Muslim life but it is hard with my husband.
Shadia.
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ASALAMALAIKUM SISTER U SHOULD STAY IN TURKEY IF UR HAPPY TALK TO HUSBAND ON IMPROVEING THE MARRAGE IF U LIKE SAY U REALY LOVE HIM AND WANT THINGS TO IMPROVE AND ENCOURAGE HIM TO GO MOSQUE AND PREY HE IS ON THE WRONG PATH AND U NEED TO ENCORAGE HIM TO B ON RIGHT PATH BY LISTENING TO NASHHEDS, ADHAN PREYING INFRONT OF HIM OR TOGETHER IF U DONT KNOW HOW NEVER GIV UP ON UR KIDS FIND A JOB GET LEGAL HELP GO TO CITIZENS ADVISE BEREU GET SOLICITOR PREY ALLAH SWT WILL HELP U SISTER I WILL PREY FOR U AND U R IN MY DEEPEST THOUGHTS INSHALLAH I HOPE UR LIFE GETS BETTER NEVER GIV UP HOPE EVRYONES RESPONSIBLE FOR THEMSELFS AND U CAN B A GOOD MUSLIMA EVEN IF HUSBANDS NOT PRACTISING XX
may god help you you should confront him or break your computer or d somethign about it sorri i have no thing to say very sorry i had problems like this to but reply and i will help.i help alot of pppl many cases like this one
He says he cant help hımself and he cant stop hımself from talking. He said the women are just friends but whats awful ıs hes lying to me when he says this.
Salam,
If i were in your place, i would forget Turkey. I would go back to USA,find a stable job, fight to get my kids back.
I know you missed turkey, your friends etc but I assume you miss your children even more. They will blame you in the future. You said you felt you can't get them back, this is only assumption. If you have good job and an apartment, they can't refuse you long time. But it would not make sense if you ask them back after 5years.
Your husband doesn't look pious or even a little, but even if he changed and became so nice, still you need to go to USA to get custody back of your daughters.
This is what I would do.
Good luck whatever your decision
salaam
sister if i were you, firstly i would forget about your husband, and try to get back your daughters they are your blood, your life, everything. get them first, settle down with them. during this time inshallah your husband may have realised some stuff. if not then it wasnt meant to happen. but my advice is talk to a local imaam, or his family? or just turn to Allah and ask Allah, as He will answer your prayers with no doubt inshallah. and do istikhara if you should carry on working towards your marriage. marriage is so hard to build, but it is 1second to end it. dont let the shaitaan get involved. marriage is one of the most important thing in islam, it is fullfilling half of your deen. inshallah i pray your husband becomes pious.
wa alaykum salaam
im so sad hearring your whole story i had read it fully now and i have to say may allah bless you..plz if it is so bad of a life and u want to lead a muslim life then leave him i hate divorce but u totally need to leave him you cant do this anymore sister plz may allah bless you and u fight for custody.i am with you and remeber all always does things for thebest their is always a reason..just believe and fight and you will go to the end adn you will win!!!!!!!!again sorri.
Selams,
He wont stop talking to women so I cant trust him. I hate divorce too but ıf he does not want to change then I cant make him stop talking to women. Thanks for writing. I wıll try and talk to my husband again but he has to decide to change if he wants too. It can only come from his heart. I will keep praying about this. Its sad because I have wonderful pious friends here in Turkey.
Dear Sister
Asslamulikum
Plz try ur best to get back ur daughter. You have said the woman who is now their guardian she does like muslim. If ur daugter stayed with her they will be influnced by her. So u must take proper steps to get back them. Go back to USA & try to find a job & then take legel help. Seek help from almighty.
Thanks for your reply. I think and pray about it. I am worried about my children. Im afraid my relationship will dissolve with them if I stay with my husband. ı think the person who has them does not want them to have much contact with me.The problem is I have dissabilities so its also hard to get a job. My situation is very complicated. I dont want to end up on the streets in the Usa as I have been there before and afraid of that.
I am studying now at an online university to finish my college degree. It can be very difficult and its not so easty to go to the Usa. I didnt like the life there . But at the same time I cant change my husband and staying with him does not feel right if he does not change his unfaithfullness to me, and its complicated because he was physically abusive before. So İ still feel afraid of him.
I dont lıke living in the Usa, but I will keep praying to find anwsers as to what decisons I should make.
I dont really understand why this woman doesnt want to realise your children for you... Maybe she's not even allowing your children to practice islam, since you said she hate muslims. . And she's gonna indoctrinate your children with her atheist beleifs...
This situation is indeed a complex one. What kind of disability do you have sister?? I would suggest you find an alternative place for your children to stay,, possibly a good muslim family, whether in the USA or in turkey... I would pray for you sister, for this is really a horrific situation. . . . But talk to your husband once more (in a very nice and comforting way),, and tell him how bad you feel for all the wrongs he's doing to you... May Allah help you.
And again its not right for you to question whether your husband is still muslim 'just because he doesnt hold to the tenets of islam very well or because pray he doesnt pray regularly' ... If your husband beleives in LA ILAHA ILLALLAH, MUHAMMAD RASULULLAH, Then your husband is a muslim. No one has the right to call him a kafiir... Now whether he prays regularly, or he only pray sometimes (when he likes), his affair is only with Allah who would judge him on the day of judgement ... Your duty is just to serve as a reminder to him, perhaps, one day he may fear Allah and take heed...
I would want to see your reply pls.
Mohd
Selams,
My husband does not pray at all. I have been told by some Islamic scholars that if a person does not pray at all then they are not Muslim. I know other scholars think differently. But my husband even tells me he is not a Muslim although he likes to pretend to be a good Muslim when he talks to women online. He was born a Muslim. I don't say he is not a Muslim. That is only for Allah to do as Allah knows everything. But scholars have told me a women cant be married to a man who does not pray at all.
The woman has already indoctrinated my girls as they told me they did not want to live with me unless I stopped being a Muslim. The woman has full legal custody now of my children. Had she not had custody I would have taken them. I tried to get a lawyer when I was in the states but I could not. I just did not have the funds for legal help. The only free legal source had been used by this woman to get my girls so they could not help me as there was a conflict of interest.
I have dissability but I cant talk about it here as its personal. Its not physical . I can walk and everything. But ıts still serious and ı cant take every job that is out the there. I am a woman on my own and it was dangerous for me in the states. The culture is bad there and not a good place for Muslims. I have no one to go to in the states. It just is not safe. I was raised in foster homes as a child so I have no family in the states. But so many people here in Turkey have become family so even though my husband has been abusive its still difficult to leave friends I love.
My children said they wanted to stay with the people they were with. I did try everything I could to get them. I will keep praying to Allah about this.
Thanks for posting.
The woman thinks she can give my girls a better life both her and her husband. I really don't know why she wont give me them back. She says shes attached to them and when ı was there it was difficult because seemed very jeolous when I was with my daughters.
This truly shows that bad friends in our life can lead to horrible things. I wish ı had never been friends with this woman. The kind of friends we have is so important.
Assalamualikum
I have done a mistake. Now i correct it again
You have said the woman who is now their guardian she doesn't like muslim.
That is true. Its more her husband who does not lıke Muslims. But she doe not like any kind of religio as she is an atheist.
Salaam I am in the same boat a little different but same need help n advice on what to do plz anyone
Asma, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and give us all the details, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Its so difficult being in this kind of situation and no one deserves to be treated poorly by their husband or wife.
salam i agree america no good for muslims like turkey as its a muslim country and u has there also im preying for u im not saying american pple r bad r muslims there turkey has halal food and friends for uim in same situation but in uk with husband chating to women and dauther in full custody of othert u get socialservices help or citisens advises relatives its so sad and im ata loss as to wat to feel trapped only hope future brings more joy i also have disability at least u have alot of health and r able to do sum jobs alhamdullillah wat u guna do sister? xxxon ur future? i prey for u xxxu can holiday in america inshallah and build trust with ur girls hav a word with family on muslims and not being again racist get advise from citisens advise and socail services on how to get part custody of ur kids or holiday times summer ramadan so wen they visit u in turkey which is ur right theyl pik up the muslim vibe and realise i ts natural to b with their mum / muslim and americas wrong for being a kaffir state and will learn bout u /muslims and inshallah will wana join u sister cant u get ur own flat with friends/ remarry? after or alone in turkey if husband no good , u can remarry after 3months after divorce look to future all is not lost take baby steps one ata a time u will get there /build ur life bak up inshallah xxx
As Salaamu Alaikum Shadia, I do not know if you are keeping up with this blog or not, but I am posting this to you any way. First, as a mother, your relationship with your children should be your priority, not a relationship with a man. So this is all out of order. Second, your absence from your daughters is Haram, as you are their mother, so you have a duty to them since you birthed them into this world. The fact you've given up out of weakness is not acceptable. Excuses, can't find a good paying job, someone else does not like Muslims, etc. I'm sorry, but the true fact is this: You are their mother and you have responsibility to them. In Turkey, there are some protections for women in abusive situations. However, fact, a man is not going to change unless he acknowledge there is a problem and he WANTS the change. You cannot force a person to change and if he continues the behavior, it is of his own will that he does this. In Turkey, going to psycho therapy is not of their culture and so you are not going to find this help in Turkey. The hope of staying in such a marriage is foolish at best. Especially with physical abuse. Yes America can be a difficult place to live for a practicing Muslim, however, the protections and laws here are in place as far as systems. You may have to use the resources in the community to get on your feet, but as a mother, you are in the wrong. There is acceptable behavior and unacceptable behavior. But you'll be hard pressed to get any Turkish man to change their ways especially if they are not practicing Islam in the first place. You've married a Munifiq type of individual who chooses to participate in Kafir behaviors, thus is Kafir. From Islamic standpoint associating with Kafir makes one a Kafir because of the adopted beliefs, thinking, and habits. One cannot make a Kafir into a believer as there is no compulsion in religion in Islam. So the first important task is for you to do what you should as a mother and focus on that. Being absent and using that man as an excuse for not being there for your children is not acceptable. Your purpose has to be for those girls of yours, and the example you are setting forth for your children by not being there for them is not good. The fact they cannot be with you and understand what is going on, and you've basically left them for another person unrelated to them to raise them, and failure to try in any way possible to fight and get custody of them, by stating you don't have the means, is really questionable about your intentions to Allah (swt). Your intention should always be for your children as a mother and for Allah (swt). Your place is by your girls and with Allah (swt). No matter what your husband is doing, those are his deeds to answer for in front of Allah (swt) and you are not going to influence him no matter what you do. After a certain age, men do not change unless they want to change. Simply put, get your life in order, go back to the USA and fight for your custody of your children. Spend the rest of your life watching your children grow up and be with them. With Allah (swt) you are never alone. Allah (swt) puts the right person into our lives. This particular relationship was put into your life to teach you what you do not want in a relationship. Now you've got that lesson, it is time to burn the bridges and go forward to be there for your children. May Allah (swt) help you find your way and make the journey easier for you. Ameen.
selam alekum Aylin, It has been a long time since I read this blog and a lot of time has passed but I saw this message. Thankyou for your advice. It is the only place for a mother to be with her daughters always as you said no matter what place that is. And yes there is no excuse for being with a husband in stead of one's children. But also I feel you are a a little to judgemental. You do not know the complexity o fmy situation or other women's as well. I feel you have no right to judge me and only Allah knows every person's situation.
Yes it does matter if a woman has a job to care for her children and an adequate job where she can be home for them and not gone all the time as it can take two jobs to be able to properly feed and cloth to children. And that is just the basics. I was also abused and abuse weakens a person and so you have no right to judge me. So yes sometimes a mother can not be with her children for various reasons. It does not mean I am not true to Allah or as you said you question my motives. You have not walked in my shoes so you can not judge me or others in different situations. In case you did not read my full post I did try and go back and get custody of my children but due to poverty I could not find a lawyer to help me. I tried very hard to get the children back but they were actually older and said they were happy with the foster parents so I accepted that as painful as it was. So I did what I could to get custody and then when I could not I went back to my husband who continued the abuse. Sometimes the best thing and most caring thing for a mother to do is let go and separate if she can not take care of her kids. But many people are well off and have money and careers so it is easy for them to say ''there is no excuse'' because they have not seen their children hungry and faced poverty. If you can not feed your children then you can not take care of them. Due to some disabilities I could not at the time and work can be difficult to find. Many Muslims I find are too simplistic and they are also very hard on women to be the perfect mothers. While it was wrong for me to separate from children ,people expect women to be perfect. Life is complicated. People fall on horrible times and unless you have lived through this you can not judge others. I found your post to be very harsh at the same time I could understand your concern for the children and the mother's responsibility. Muslims do not understand complex situations at times like domestic violence and family abuse. They have simplistic anwsers for complicated situations. This has been my experience. Are you from Turkey ? Do you live in the Usa to know the life there and the complicated economic times? People are all different as well and some can handle life stresses better then other people. Truly Only Allah can judge any of us. He is aware of everything from inside us to our circumstances.
My children have grown up and are own their own now. They are doing well and happy. While I know I made the wrong choice in going back to an abusive husband and wishing my children and I never separated it is too late now and they are older. But unless you have walked a mile in my shoes as the saying goes do not judge me. Poverty is serious and yes it can be an excuse for women to let someone else in a better situation care for one's children if one has no home and can not care for their children. Sometimes love can also be letting go of what we love in a time of extreme hardship.