Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I met a Western Muslimah whose past is bothering me

wipe away sins purify wash

The Prophet (saw) said,“Islam wipes out all of one’s past sins.”


I am currently living in the West as I was doing my Masters here. I got a very good job and was looking for marriage. I contacted my parents back home to find a girl. I have a friend who took me to an Islamic center. I met one shaykh there, and my friend informed him that I am looking for marriage and have contacted my family for that. The Shaykh asked me to marry here in West instead of in the East. He also added that a lot of Muslim women are struggling here to find a husband as more and more men tend to avoid his advice and go back home for marriage. So I said "give me sometime to think about it."

After a few days, I met another Muslim friend who is married to a "back-home" girl and I asked him why he went to marry back home while he was born and raised here. He said that women here are not chaste and are influenced by feminism. Again, a few days passed and I met the shaykh again. He said there is one girl of your age and pious who has lost her father in teenage years. So finally I met her. She is doing her PH.D. now and wears hijab but I was not able to ask her about her past. I have never touched any girl so I am looking for chaste.

But eventually, I came to find out about her past. She had a boyfriend in high school who used her and left. I did not say anything to her about it. She has repented and follows deen sincerely. Also, she is very beautiful, which attracts me towards her, but her past is bothering me. My parents will not stop me marrying her but I don't feel comfortable. I said to her that I am not sure about whether this is going to be something or not. My parents have also found a 21 yr girl which is 8 years younger than me . So I am confused right now.


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28 Responses »

  1. If you accept her, you should forget her past. In fact don't even go there. I am certain the Shaykh will advise you well in this regard.

    My advice to you. Life is a gamble. I have wondered why it is that Allah enjoined us to marry at such great risk since we hardly know our spouses. Why didn't Allah say to us to not get married straight away, play the field, then settle down? Allah knows our concerns and the risks we both take in marriage.

    It must mean that in every marriage that works, despite the ups and downs, Allah gives great reward.

    Marriage is one the biggest leaps of faith we as humans experience.

    As for the girl, the fact that she repented, changed her ways is something to be greatly admired. It is not easy, to find the strength to have hope that Allah will forgive you, and to forgive yourself. Can you not see what an amazing quality this is?

    I would let her know that you love her for this, for actively choosing to please Allah by changing, and you want to be a part of her journey.

    And, I would pray to Allah to make you only look forward from this point onwards.

    • Thanks for your Answer

      Unfortunately, I could not tolerate her past, but I am engaged now to back home girl chosen by my parents. She confirmed that she did not have any relationship in past and is chaste. She is 21and beautiful, but don't have phd or masters. She has done bachelors in English literature, I am happy with that. I also wanted my wife to be housewife.

  2. I told her that I want to end all things and want to marry back home girl selected by my parents so do not try to contact me, what I heard from her side were cries. I am heartbroken. I feel terrible ryt now. is there any salah or dua which can help me to overcome this situation.

  3. I told her that I can not marry her as I want virgin and chaste girl for me, listening to it she said "Zinah happened in past and she has abandoned that path and chose path of Allah". She is messaging me and saying "what you want in your wife? how can she remove my doubts and help me to overcome them". My friend told me that if you love her and want marriage without any hesitation then date some women and sleep around for a year with multiple women, then it will easier for you to embrace her. But this is nothing but opening doors of hell upon me. My friend also said that if in marriage you will start feeling less because of her past, you will commit adultery, is thistrue?. I am in grt struggle, I have started loving her and on other hand her past gives me shocks. I wish I had not met her. One of the reasons I cant move away from her is because the way she looks and loves me, she even gives interest in what I eat, she makes list of things for healthy eating, and her care for me has amazing affect on me. I am in serious trouble.

    • mahmax, your friend's advice to you is terrible. Ignore everything he says.

      You have a choice to make. If you wish to move forward and marry this woman, then stop obsessing over her past. Let it go. Don't ask her about it and don't worry about it. Accept her for who she is right now. Accept her love and love her in return, and have a good and happy life.

      If you cannot do this, then break off your relationship with her and let her go. She deserves to find someone who will not judge her for the mistakes of the past.

      Wael Editor

  4. I have told her that I can't get marry to her but she is still not letting me go. Please how can I say no to her, what is the best way to end things with her.

    • Just be firm, honest but gentle with her. Say that you are ending things permanently, and you pray that she finds someone best suited for her, InshaAllah.

      Block her, if necessary.

  5. Agree with Roses. Also, how do you know that the girls “back home” are not just acting fake to marry you so they can come to the western country. I have been hearing many stories of women as soon as they land in a western county they divorce the men and then apply for her whole family to come to the western country. So, don’t think that “back home” girls are pure and innocent.

    • She is a daughter of our distant relative and her behaviour and personality is known to all female members of our family. So I don't have any fear regarding that.

      • Salam,

        If her past bothers you, and it can if you're chaste, then you should marry a girl that's also chaste. Within two years the strong feelings of love are going to go down and at that time her past is going to start bothering you more. There are people that find photos or letters of the past and even though all that happened before they feel like they were cheated on right now. It prevents them from treating their spouse well and helps them generate sin. That sheikh said the girls in the west are having a hard time, but the girls in the east are also having a hard time. Your decision should be based on what you want and the person you can do a good job with. It also doesn't have to be one of these two girls, it can be a third girl.

  6. As salaamu alaikum. Brother, you may need to take some time to develop more maturity and a better understanding of yourself, women in general as well as eliminating sexism, tribalism and prejudice from your mindset.

    Personally, I would like to know and I am certain there are others who are curious of what a "Western Muslimah" is. Your friend's negative reference to American women "that women here are not chaste and are influenced by feminism" is obviously based on ignorance and lack of intelligence. A shaykh has recommended you to marry someone within the area you reside for excellent reasons but you seem to place more value on an offensive comment based on a prejudiced opinion. How does your friend know that women "here" are not chaste? Did he do some kind of personal study and research? Did he also do a poll on the number of foreign born or first generation Muslim men who are actual "players", who fool around with women for years and then hypocritically prefer an innocent young woman for a wife. The numbers of abusive, immoral Muslim men in the West and "back home" are outrageous.

    There are "back home" women who may have disobeyed Allah on different levels and there are "Western Muslimahs" who are devout. Do not focus your energy on what may have happened 5 or 10 years ago to a woman you might consider marrying. Young men and women make very foolish mistakes. No one on this Earth has no sin on them.

    While I will not enter into a debate about feminism, take note there is nothing unislamic for woman to want to run for office, to pursue higher education, to abhor unfair treatment of women as well as women who do not believe their primary goal in life is to be subordinate to a man.

    • Thanks for your advice !! I am still struggling to get rid of the images in my mind that she was with someone. We have met now 7-8 times in last couple of months and she also likes me but I am not sure yet and have unknown fear regarding her. She is asking me to commit but I am hesistant. My friend has adviced me to meet backhome girl as well so that I can take decision after seeing with whom I am more comfortable.

      • Don’t listen to your friend. DON’T waste the girls time and give her false hopes. You have met up with her 7-8 times, and you are willing to lose her because your friend keeps telling marry a girl back home. You are taking a big chance. You may regret and lose the girl you have connection with.

        • She has done physical thing with a guy which is very sinful in Islam. Allah has strictly told us in Quran that don't go near the Zinah but she took that step. I have not touched any girl in my life, and don't want someone who has been touched. I would have left this girl but I have started to develop feelings for her which are not letting me to go away from her. I always used to think and considered it a norm that my wife will be virgin but this came as shock to me. I hope meeting backhome girl can help me out in this.

          • I believe you should leave the revert girl as you are not comfortable with her, despite your 'feelings'. Please DO NOT meet with her again, as you are leading her on. Her intentions are genuine and she deserves a man who truly loves her.

            Marry the girl back home and best of luck, InshaAllah.

          • @WarGlaives

            She is not revert, her parents are Muslims- father is from Indian Subcontinent and her Mom is Arab.

          • Apologies, I misread.

            If you marry this girl, then you may struggle later on.

  7. Pray Istikhara. This was only high school days. If that really bothers you then don’t go for it. Not everyone in the western country, you will find girls who are not chaste and feminist. That’s wrong. There are many Muslimah who grew up pious in the western country and guarded themselves. You need to search further. Marrying a 21 girl back home who you may or may not have common with is not wort it if you don’t feel any connection.

  8. wa-'alaikum as-salaam wa-rahmatullah brother,

    I also encourage brothers/sisters to marry from their own culture, i.e. where a person has grown up and studied, thus, a western Muslim should marry from the west, not "back home", which usually is/was home to the parents/grandparents.

    However, if you're having these doubts prior to marriage, then I would advise you to avoid and look for someone else. Because sadly, one of the biggest goals of satan is to divide and cause problems between the married couple...

    Jabir (radhiAllahu 'an) reported:
    The Prophet (sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam) said, Iblis (satan) establishes his throne on the water, then sends out helpers. Each of the helper of satan comes back and says that he made people do so and so, and another says, I made the people do so and so... satan tells them, you have done nothing.

    And then one of the helpers of satan says, I caused discord/divorce between a husband and wife.
    Satan tells this helper: well done! You have done well, and you are my close companion.
    - Sahih Muslim, kitaab sifaat al-qiyaama wal-janna wan-naar

    Any issues or doubts you're having now, and you're unable to completely rid from your mind will only come to haunt you once you're married. Satan will play on this weakness until sadly the married couple start to bicker, and perhaps eventually split.

    As with all affairs in life (not just marriage), always pray istikhara.

    Take care,
    Peace be with you and all Muslims.

    • At first, I thought these feelings and her past-Zinah will go away if I will meet her for some more times. There were instances where I forgot this thing but it comes back and brings lot of discomfort for me. I wish she had not done this thing, I would have initiated marriage process. but alas, my bad luck. I still go to meet her and sometimes decline to meet. Her past-Zinah also forces me to think - Can she commit adultery and cheat ? If she can violate limits of Allah before marriage, what will stop her after marriage? . Her father was also pious Muslim (as i heard from some ppl)so is her mom. how she can do Zinah?

      • She made a terrible mistake (no doubt). But if she has asked for forgiveness, I pray that Allah Subhana Wataalah forgives her. She cheated on Allah, not on you and it's unfair to assume that she will cheat on her future husband.

        Nevertheless, you have misgivings about her and cannot get past it, and I highly recommend that you should cut her off completely.

        • @WarGlaives

          Its easy to say that cut off her. She is first girl in my life with whom I confessed my feelings. I wish I had not met her.

          • Yes, you are right as it is not easy. But you have to make a choice!

            You have absolutely no right to lead this girl on, while pursuing the other girl back home. That's morally wrong. Just be polite, and let this girl know gently you wish to end things permanently.

            I pray to Allah Subhana Wataalah that the first girl finds a man who will love her for everything she is, including her flaws/mistakes, InshaAllah. I also hope that you find someone who will be a perfect match for you, InshaAllah.

          • @WarGlaives

            I am not pursuing "backhome" girl. I have only seen her pics and never talked to her. I am thinking about to start convo with backhome girl but my heart resist it.

        • One thing that religious pious boys and men maybe do not realise is how intense the pressure on girls in the west is from predatory guys.

          This happens in liberal circles in Muslim countries too.

          Guys will do, say, promise anything to manipulate a naive girl into doing things she knows are wrong and will regret.

          Unfortunately girls from good families may be more susceptible to this than girls who are more worldly, although this worldliness can be acquired at a vast cost to ones naam o amaal.

          So although deeply regrettable , a girls past is not always a soul product of her own inherent inclinations.

          Although I think if you can summon the strength to forget her past you should marry her, it is also I think sensible to say that if you feel this doubt will be difficult to subdue then maybe better to look elsewhere.

          However, what is to become of girls like this who sincerely repent? Should there be a second chance for them? Would there be a great reward if a man resolved to marry someone with a past so that she too can find a good home? How would we all feel if such a girl was to become so disheartened at not finding her goal that she ended up back in sin?

          I understand your predicament. But i see an opportunity to build a life based on forgiveness.

          Finally I hope all young Muslims take heed of this story.

          Your Chastity both men and women is a precious thing , a sacred thing. Protect it like you would a treasure most revered. Know that those who would seek to rob you of it do not value it. Carrying it into a nikah for both parties is one of the true foundations of success.

          But also never lose hope of His Mercy.

          • @BidBodd

            Thanks for your Answer

            Unfortunately, I could not tolerate her past, but I am engaged now to back home girl chosen by my parents. She confirmed that she did not have any relationship in past and is chaste. She is 21 and beautiful, but don't have phd or masters.

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