Stuck in a loveless marriage but love my husband who wants to leave me
Asalamu alaikum,
I believe I have already posted a question previously but I cant find it anywhere, so here goes again. I really hope you guys will be able to offer me advice and help me out as I feel like I cant take it any more and really need help.
I have been married for nearly three years now. I really love my husband I've loved him since before we got married and I've known him since we were babies but we have never done anything haram other than talk online right before we got the nikah but that was online so we could make sure we wanted to get married. But till now we have never slept together even once. He has no health problems or anything, but he just says he finds the idea of it gross. However he admits that when he sees a model on tv or anything its a different story. I am a British size 6 to 8 but he tells me that if I start exercising and start toning up maybe he will think differently about me.
All this has taken its toll on me, and I feel extremely unloved and insecure about my body now. I keep feeling that I have to lose even more weight even though if I lost anymore no clothes would fit me anymore. I am also naturally a very affectionate person but he isn't and when I try to hug him or hold his hand he will pull away and when I try to talk to him about our intimacy problems he says that I'm making myself look cheap, which makes him want me even less.
I still really love him though in spite of all of this and cant ever imagine spending my life with anyone else, but now he's telling me that maybe he has to leave me because neither of us are happy, and he cant try make it work anymore. I don't know what to do I feel like my whole life is just falling apart right now. I cant imagine my life without him, and I don't want him to leave me. I make a lot of dua all the time. Please help me what should I do. What can I do to make him love me? I used to dress up all the time but every time I did dress up and put make up on he used to tell me what are you doing. And again he would make me feel cheap and rejected.
However this doesn't mean that he's a bad guy at all. He is an amazing guy who is great to his family and very nice to everyone he meets.
But he also doesn't care when I don't feel well or when I'm upset or I cry. He actually gets angry at me if I cry but and isn't there for me emotionally and gets angry when I try talk to him about anything.
Please help me and advice me what to do. I don't think I would have the strength if he left me.
Jazaku Allahu khairan please reply as soon as possible,
Zainab K
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Asalamu alikum,
Sister all i can say is look deeply into your rights as a muslim woman in marriage- because this does not sound like a marriage. You are living like brother and sister, not husband and wife.
He clearly does not love you, if he doesnt even hug you and thinks sex is gross- that is very strange! These 2 thoughts popped into my head:
1) Either he is Gay- and does not like women and he was forced to marry you to keep up appearances.
2) Or he likes someone one else/does not care for you at all- and was forced to get married to you.
Sister, leave- This man has been checked out of the marriage from the beginning. You seem to say that you loved him for a long time, but never said anything about him loving you at any point in the relationship. Open your eyes, all his behaviour telling you are unattractive, not caring when you are upset, not wanting to get intimate with you- this are in your face signs that he does not care about this marriage.
For your own sake, leave him and find another partner who will show you what a marriage actually means.
You said you are making due, well Allah is sending you very very clear signs that this guys is not behaving like a husband and its time for you to listen to him when he says he wants to leave. Dont prolong your suffering more than it has to.
sister i dont know you, and i have never met you- but if someone says you are unattractive and always shuts you down, means that they cant see how beautiful you are. All people deserve love, affection, intimacy from their spouses and kind words- if you dont get that from your partner- there is something wrong with that relationship.
Wish you all the best sister and most of all courage.
Sister,
It breaks my heart to hear that you have lived three years as a married couple and your husband has deprived you of your rights in the bedroom. What on earth did he tell you on the night of your wedding? Did your mother never talk to you and ask you any questions or the like? Why my dear have you never told your parents? I agree with Samira on this...either your husband is gay or something else is going on. I think it's way past the time that you went to your parents and spoke with them. If I was your mother, I would want to know. This is not right at all and the only thing that is "gross" here is his total disregard to you, your rights and your feelings. Please do not delay another day...talk with your mother.
Salam
Sister,
I have a close friend who was in the same unpleasant situation as you. She was married to her cousin for almost 8 years. But the marriage wasn't consummated. They went to sexologists and he was under therapy for a long time, nevertheless things didn't work out well between them also because he had a bad attitude towards treatments and he refused to take medications for his issues and finally they divorced. The pain I saw her going through has prompted me to write this here.
Talk to your mother immediately about this, because you need help and moral support to sort out this issue. Secondly, try to convince him to go to a doctor (sexologist) with you, remember to support him well in this. It is important to get a thorough assessment from professionals and therapists who are qualified to manage sexual problems. And if he refuses to undergo therapy, let your dad/wali talk to him and tell him how unacceptable it is for him to ruin his daughter’s life in this manner and also your dad can try to tell him that he wants to see some kids in this relationship.
See how things go and decide on a course of action, but do not delay making the first move anymore.
May Allah grant you a fruitful life!!
Salaam.
According to Sharia 6 months of no sexual contact is very solid grounds for khula or a female initiated divorce. This man does NOT sound right. I mean look at how many posters come here and basically tell them of how badly (especially men) they want to get married to avoid zina!
This might be too PG-13 for here, but the first week of our wedding we paid for a foreign honey moon where we didn't even leave the hotel. I'll leave it at that
Leave him. I know it's hard but you need to. Some people (including me) don't believe in love before OR after marriage and I don't want to get into that BUT I do believe in treating your spouse very good. He is NOT doing that. He is not kind to you like he should be, he is not offering you emotional support like he should be...what is he doing apart from making you miserable.
I agree with the first answer: Either he is gay and his parents found out so he was forced to marry a woman (unfortunately it was you)
2. He wanted to marry someone else but was made to marry you.
In fact, now that I've mentioned it, seriously find out if he was forced to marry you because in Islam, "forced marriage" is not considered valid and if he was forced to marry you then you two are actually AREN'T married and if he was to have sex with you then it would be zina.
Good luck sister and listen to the advice given.
i agree & with no 2 advise
Wow marsallah I'm so sad reading your post!!! Sweetie you can not keep pleaseing this man for rest of your life, you have to look at the picture that he doesn't love you and you said he is a nice man, I don't think so he hurts your feelings you need to understand you need to love yourself and do not change your body for nobody as long as your happy in your own skin. I honestly think he is gay lol you need to find the truth about this man. Insallah Allah help you get threw this sister.
muslimgirl,
How can you say wow masallah to the sister and then say im so sad reading your post. Whats so mas'allah are you being sarcastic if that is the case then those remarks are not needed especially when someone is asking for advise and help.
To Zainab K, I agree with what Najah and Samira have written. I strongly suggest you should leave this man he dont even acknowledge you and he has left you feeling so insecure that you do have a valid reason to leave him and i know divorce is not a good option for a woman but you deserve better. You can get to the bottom of the issues and if they dont work it is your right to end the marriage no one deserves to be with someone who dont respect or love them.
I wish you the best and my heart felt sympathies to you, may no women ever go through this in a marriage.
samina, you got me wrong that is how I type my English is not that good so don't take stuff the wrong way, I come here to give people advice just like you, I feel really bad for the sister.
Ok I apologize to you sorry.
Assalamu alaikum,
Thank you guys for the kind words it really means a lot. I know I should leave him but I feel like I cant. If I do I'm just going to spend the rest of my life single and unhappy because I cant imagine being married to anyone else and it scares me. He wasnt forced to marry me I've known him all my life we are family friends and he wanted to marry me. When we had nikah a year before our wedding everything was amazing. And he used to love me a lot he would never get off the phone with me. According to his parents he was just always in his room talking to me and never wanted to get out of it. He used to come and take me to the most amazing places and everyone would tell me how it was so obvious he loved me a lot. He never seemed gay to me even once. Thats why all this is so weird subhAllah when I look at him now its like he's a different person. I keep thinking what if he goes back to the guy that he used to be? If he does I would be the happiest person ever. Even though thats the hope thats made me stay the past few years and it doesnt seem like it would happen.
If he leaves me though and then marries another woman and treats her amazingly and right that would just destroy me. I dont think I will have the strength to go through any of this. The reason I havent told my mom yet is because I know that if I tell her she will make me get a divorce for definite.
I dont think I'd need to go though khul' though he really doesnt want me around and I think he would divorce me straight away if I asked him.
He keeps saying he cant wait for it to be over.
Just please make dua for me people
How can you say that? You deserve love and respect, you seem a lovely person this man has destroyed your confidence and has let you feeling so worthless, you have done enough, why should you allow yourself to suffer in silence any longer. Tell your mum she has a right to know this is not how a marriage should be and you should talk and speak up your husband is the one with the problem not you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself has hard it is now it wont be later on. Islamically it is your right save yourself from hurting more if he too wants out then its a sign you deserve better how much longer you want to keep lying to yourself the facts speaks for themselves and you see it, I know it hurts you and it is scary I seriously feel your pain and know what I am talking about. You have to realise its in Allah's hands may he be with you at all times and it is out of your control may Allah allow you to become strong and leave this marriage. Ask yourself why you would want to stay in a marriage that he himself don't acknowledge you or love you is that how a marriage should be?
dear zainab....
i feel very sad to see muslim girls facing this problem..
TRY TO BE STRONG.... YOU GIVE IMPORTANCE TO YOURSELF FIRST.. IF YOU THINK YOUR BEING unattractive can be the reason,try to be attractive BUT not for him.... Value Yourself,Dont give him so much importance that he behaves anyhow with you.....,,,be strong,, make up your mind...we cant force anyone to love us... but we can surely love ourselves.. n think about your parents who love you so much ..why die for someone who doesnot love you
Sister Zainab,
I agree with everyone here. You should leave your husband at once. You said it yourself he doesn't love you and wants to leave so why should you beg to stay. You will be unhappy for the rest of your life. Even if you did stay sooner or later he will divorce you and you will not be able to do anything. You will unhappy without him and unhappy with him so either way its the same. What have you got to lose.
But if you leave him, you have hope. You have hope of a better stress free life. You have hope of finding an amazing husband who will give you the love you deserve. You have hope of starting a beautiful family.
Why do you want to lose this for a man who doesnt care about you?
I know you feel scared and hurt and you so desperately want your husband to change to show you an ounce of love, but you tried and he isnt gonna change sister.
Believe me sister I have been through this. My husband suddenly changed to the most horrible person ever and I have had to make the most hardest decision ever to leave him.
First few months it was very difficult I was depressed but now Alhamdullilah i feel much better. I feel peace at heart after a long time of war with my husband. Time is a great healer!
And you don't have any children yet so it will be much easier for you to find a husband.
I pray that inshallah you make a good decision and find peace in your heart.
Sister,
When you married and on your wedding night...your husband made no attempt to touch you? Nothing? Did you ask him what was wrong? Why have you stayed silent for so long? Have you ever attempted to go to bed dressed in very little to see his reaction...is there any at all?! Have you ever sat with him and asked him what is wrong? Does he not have any sexual drive at all? Something is definitely not right here.
Of course your mother is going to be concerned here...you are her daughter! Are you willing to live this way and watch your youth pass you by? Are you willing to go to bed every night and not know the pleasure of sharing your body with your husband (which is your God given right)? Are you willing not to be a mother and have children of your own? You need to stop for a moment and think about yourself and your needs. This man is not a husband to you and never has been. A husband would have stepped up long ago and taken care of your needs in many ways that this man has not. You may love him and that is okay, however...living this way is not normal or healthy for you in any way at all.
Salam
Salaams,
Please leave this pathetic creature! You didn't mention kids, so just cut your losses and divorce. You don't want to waste your youth, you've lost 3 years already.
As for love, the kuffar have always propagated this mythical fantastical, hopeless devotion of love that is like a poison. Love in a halal marriage is developed over time through mutual respect and trust. It is better to be respected than be the recipient of this false love.
Remember the shatyaan's job is to create false desire. Your false desire for this awful man is making you waste your life in misery. This will overshadow everything and the aim of the shaitaan will be to disrupt your worship of Allah.
You will come to realise one day and you will regret allowing someone to treat you in this way and it will ruin your character if you let it be.
Take care
DEar Sister,
PLz be strong and trust Allah, Every human can live without anyone except Allah. U might feel insecure the moment u imagine to depart. but with Hasbun Allahi wa naemal wakeel, u will gain strength to overcome this pain.
I heard a similar situation in my friends family, wife was confused for few years abt her husband's behavior, but she was courageous to hack his email ID and learned that he was a gay.
Plz sister, u have to find out the reason why ur husband is being weird. then eventually u will have courage to take further stroing step towards the benefit of ur life. inshAllah
Assalamalaikum sisters....
Sad to say but you're not the only one going through these things....I have also been married for nearly a year and a half and my husband is also just as cruel if not worse than yours...my husband tells me all the time he loves me (he lives in England and I live in Canada, his papers are currently being processed) and I love him so much and couldn't imagine being without him....but the problem is, the word 'love' comes from his words but not his actions. We've consummated our marriage and that part of our marriage is wonderful....when we actually get to see eachother...and when I talk to my inlaws, they also tell me all the time that he loves me and wants me but when I ask him to SHOW ME he loves me, like be affectionate with me or speak in a sweet and kind manner with me, it turns into a war. I remember a few days ago I asked him to tell me straight how he feels about me exactly, and I sai this in a non-confrontational way and he snapped back at me and told me he feels nothing. When I cry, he doesn't try to comfort me either, in fact he will hang up on me and tell me to call him when I finish....I am getting very mixed signals from my husband and don't know what to do. He's always on the phone with me and my whole life revolves around this man, but I no longer know what to do, and then when he treats me this way, after awhile I either start to ignore his comments but then he gets worse because I'm ignoring him or I also lose my temper because he tells me that we can't be together and that he doesn't love me and wants it to be over...he actually enjoys when I dress up for him and do my makeup for him but he still puts my appearance down by telling me I've gained weight or I have scars on my face...the weight issue came from me getting pregnant when we got married and I ended up losing it due to stress of coming back to Canada and being on my own as well as fights with him, but from that I ended up gaining a bit of weight as well, not too much but he still calls me fat sometimes but during the time of losing our first child, he was very supportive and caring...as much as u could be from overseas, he would call to check up on me and at every doctors appointment, he would be messaging making sure I was ok, at night (even now) he calls and falls asleep on the phone with me... and I have acne so he comments on my scars.....one minute my husband shows that I am #1 to him and the next, he makes me feel like I'm nothing to him....I know it's not the same situation as zainab sister but I definately know your feeling...what I could say, and I know the other sisters have said to leave and I would normally agree but because I have somewhat the same situation, I can also understand where you are coming from. I would talk to him, or try but it seems to me he has a bit of maturing to do and to realize that after the party begins a real life. Talk to him and ask him what he would like out of this marriage, and I know at times this may be one of the most difficult things you could ask...but ask if he still feels for you the way he did when u married. Give him a set length of time to fix his act and tell him that Ur giving him that time before you move on and walk away. But don't tell your family that you may be leaving him because shaitaan loves divorce, if Ur not ready then you also try your best to make it work. But as I said, give him like a month to behave as your husband or move on, and only tell your family when you're truly ready to move on. Even try taking a vacation together and spending time together away from the world you both know and live in. Maybe adding excitement into your marriage will help it along....
As-salamu alaykum sister Mirzar. If you need advice then please log in and write your question as a separate post. Having read your comment, however, I can tell you this: men are not like women. Many of us are uncomfortable with verbal expressions of love, or strong displays of emotion (like crying). We don't always know how to react. It sounds like your husband is very loving in his way. Why not accept his love as he gives it, and stop pressing him to express himself in ways he's not comfortable with? It sounds like you have some personality issues of your own to work on (e.g. accusing your husband of not loving you), so I suggest that you focus on your own personality development and see where that gets you, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
And keep praying and making duas!!!! I know now as well that Allah is the ONLY one who can help any of us. Even when my husband starts, I just keep reciting aoothobillah himinesh shaitaanir ajiim, bismillahir rahman ir rahim until I calm myself down, and then whethery husband is continuing or not, at least Allah has helped ME to calm myself down, and in all my namaz, I also make dua to Allah to rescue out marriage and now I have no fear because no matter what happens, what we say to eachother, my husband ALWAYS calls or messages the next day. Whatever happens only happens with the will of Allah, nobody can change or alter that. Just remember that, so whether Ur husband will be good to u or not is only coming from Allah, he may be treating you this way because Allah may have something better in store for u, or he may change and be good to u as a test from Allah to see how much you could take and then in the end he'll reward u. So just go with what Ur heart tells you when u pray and make dua and follow it because that's your message from Allah!