Mother keeps cursing me for marrying a divorced woman.
I married a divorced girl, because I find compatible with me, and the age difference is not that great. But the problem is, my mom is not ready to accept my marriage and start cursing me always after marriage. I am in a tough situation because my mother is threatning me that she will not forgive me forever and even hereafter.
Our Jannah lies under the feet of our mothers. My choice will enormously affect our moms psychologically, because i do marriage with with my choice with permission of my wife guardian (Mother) with Kazi. I never do any in-Islamic things with girl before marriage and not even met her once before marriage. but i was knowing her long back and decide for marriage.
Now my Question that i did any sin and because of my mom cursing, i may not forgive by Allah in the day of judgement.
There are many brothers who actually do not mind marrying a divorced lady as long as they find someone who is compatible with them. But most of the time it can't happen because of the strong resistance from our mothers.
I sincerely believe that our Muslim ummah need to come out of this situation. If the Messenger of Allah and his noble companions had no problems marrying divorced women, then we should have no problem marrying divorced women either.
Please answer me in the light of Quran and Hadeed.
Regards,
Shahnawaz
46 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Salaams,
There is no sin in marrying a divorced woman. It's too bad that your mother is taking things to this extreme and putting a barrier in your relationship with her, but I can assure you she has no Islamic basis for doing so strictly because your wife is a divorcee.
Your mother is free to make whatever choices she likes, but any forgiveness for any wrongdoing you've done lies strictly with Allah. He will not consult with your mother before deciding how He should direct His mercy toward you. In fact, I'd venture to say that her reaction to your marriage would put her in need of your forgiveness, not to mention Allah's.
You can rest assured that you did nothing sinful even by marrying a woman who is suitable for you against your mother's wishes, because as a man you are not required to have any type of guardian make a final approval for your choice of a wife. I understand that the situation may cause your mother stress, but please do understand that it is something she is putting HERSELF through, not something you did to her.
In shaa Allah, with time and your sincere dua, your mother's heart will soften and she will turn away from the approach she's taking with you and her new daughter in law. Usually that happens when grandchildren come along, but don't lose patience and don't let your mother's poor coping skills derail you from being the best husband you can be to your new bride. I believe, in shaa Allah, she will be a source of comfort and support for you until your mother is able to see things more objectively.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaikum Amy. Jazak ALLAH khairan. Your answer shed light on many issues in my life, as well. May Allah bless you with a lot of peace, mercy and blessings in this life and the next and protect you from evil in this world and the fire of jahannam.
assalamalaikum
1st things first.
She is no authority in the matter of selection as en individual has his own right Allah has given to choose partner.
Due to this right of yours you are safe even she tells or yells 100000 times that she will not forgive =.
instead she will be answerable to Allah for distorting faith by refusing the QADAR....
Everything that happens in the universe happens only by the decree of Allaah, so the one who believes in al-qadar must believe that Allaah knew all things before they happened, then He wrote that in al-Lawh al-Mahfooz (the Book of Decrees), then He willed that they should be, then He created them.
Marriage- whether it comes sooner or later, or is easy or difficult, is all subject to the decree of Allah. This does not mean that the Muslim should not avail himself of the means that Allah has decreed as the steps leading to it, and applying the means does not contradict the idea that a thing has been decreed from eternity. Man does not know what has been decreed for him, but he is enjoined to apply the means.
And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ’You will never give up a thing for the sake of Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted, but Allaah will compensate you with something that is better for you than that.“ Narrated by Imam Ahmad; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Hijaab al-Mar‘ah al-Muslimah, 47.
regards
Very nice advice, mashaAllah.
Asalam Alaikum,
I am a divorcee( one year of marriage) Mashaallah namaazi. good looking post graduate and 29 years old. but just bcoz my one year old marriage did not work so that means i am untouchable and neglected by the society. are divorcee girls that bad?where was my fault this was Allah's decision and i am obeying his decision.dont i have the right to start a new life?
I don't think it's a matter of divorcees being bad people, it's more a matter of people, including myself, regarding divorced people as...kind of "tainted" (because they are not virgins anymore) and unreliable since they could not make their marriage work. I have to be honest, I too would most likely (almost 100% certain) never marry someone who's been married before. You also never know what kind of emotional bagage a divorced person brings with him or her...no thank you.
Salaams,
Everyone has the right to choose whom they marry, or to decide which things are personal "dealbreakers". I do understand your point and I would agree with you that some divorcees are not good marriage candidates because they haven't resolved past issues. However, "baggage" is not something exclusive to divorcees, as single individuals who grew up in dysfunctional or abusive homes can have many of the same problems you probably have in mind.
Another thing to consider is that often in a divorce, one of the parties wasn't given a choice in the matter...perhaps they didn't even want it and begged their spouse to reconsider. I would hardly think that anyone can find fault with those who are merely the victim of circumstance, and perhaps had done nothing wrong in the marriage.
Finally, some people convert to Islam after a divorce, and who they are as a new Muslim is a huge difference from the person they may have been before. The bottom line is, all divorcees can't be categorized in one way and dealt with under sweeping judgments. You have to take people on a case by case basis when the consideration of marriage is on the table, and because it's already hard enough to find a quality spouse in general no one should be quick to rule out a person before you get to know them well enough to decide if your preconceptions are applicable or not.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam sister Amy.
You're right, but if you know that you're not interested in divorcees, no matter what, it's just a waste of time to look in to each individual divorcee's "case" since it's not going to make a difference in you not wanting to get married to someone who's been married before. But sure, if a person is more open towards the idea of marrying someone who's divorced then he or she would obviously have to consider a lot of factors, as you mention :).
Assalam alaikum sister Adina,
I do not think anyone is trying to convince you to change your mind about who you should marry, i think if you look deeply into what people are trying to say is that circumstances occur in life which are sometimes beyond our control.
“They plan and Allah also plans. And Allah is the best of planners.” (Surah Imraan, verse 54)
Human beings cannot plan out their lives and though we might do it to the best of our ability, still there are tests that come from Allah and we have to face all the things that come our way. It is offensive to some ppl, understandably-so, when you say that someone is tainted because they were previously married. I am married and never been divorced--so by no means is this comment on the defensive. It is a matter of seeing a person for who they are, rather than sum or difference of just their history and yesterdays. If you have planned out your life and it is going well, I would humbly suggest you thank Allah, rather than think it is all your doing.
Ibn al-Qayyim (r.a.) :
One of the Salaf (Pious Predecessors) said: "Indeed a servant commits a sin by which he enters Paradise; and another does a good deed by which he enters the Fire." It was asked: How is that? So he replied: "The one who committed the sin, constantly thinks about it; which causes him to fear it, regret it, weep over it and feel ashamed in front of his Lord - the Most High - due to it. He stands before Allaah, broken-hearted and with his head lowered in humility. So this sin is more beneficial to him than doing many acts of obedience, since it caused him to have humility and humbleness - which leads to the servant's happiness and success - to the extent that this sin becomes the cause for him entering Paradise. As for the doer of good, then he does not consider this good a favour from his Lord Upon him. Rather, he becomes arrogant and amazed with himself, saying: I have achieved such and such, and such and such . So this further increases him in self adulation, pride and arrogance - such that this becomes the cause for his destruction."
Wasalam
ASAK,
@Adina Mohammadi.... Good to hear your views that u will never marry a divorcee 100% .first of all in today's modern world including muslims their are many unmarried girls who are not virgin..and secondly you can't generalize that divorcees are unreliable.she could be the victim of circumstances especially in muslims saying talaq three times and its over may be she is the victim of an anger of her husband.(in anger husband gave 3 talaq).I am not defending myself as i dont feel the need to do so .
Anyways all the best for your marriage hope you get a fresh girl .hope on your first night you dont get to know that your wife has already slept with 10 men.
I love this response, because I was a virgin on my first night with my first husband (may he rest in peace) He was not Muslim, nor was I when I married him. But after he passed away I remarried and the 2nd husband knew what he was getting, a NON VIRGIN. He didnt even care. because e also was a non-virgin.
my fiance now is well aware that i have not been married once, but twice, and he is still a virgin. He does not judge me for my past because he knows and understands there is only one true judge and that is Allah. Infact, the only reason I met my fiance was through my divorce process. His brother and I were friends and when he saw I was upset about my husband abandoning me (this was no ones choice for divorce) he told me he had a brother outside the country and that I should go to meet with him and If I liked him I could be married with him.
again, all this took place before i fully convert to islam.
so there are many people out there who know and understand that being a divorcee is NOT a bad thing. it is only unfortunate for the parties involved. but it will not RUIN a future relationship.
as for Adina Mohammadi, your view is somewhat bias because you think that a woman is only pure if she is a virgin. well, here is some information for you about VIRGIN GIRLS. Intercourse is awkward and often painful for both her and you. where as a divorced woman knows exactly what she is doing and could be of some guidance. Just as a divorced man could be of guidance for a virgin woman.
take that into consideration along with the advice from Cheerful, because you never know what you are going to get on your wedding night. you may marry a woman who says she is virgin, but maybe she lies to you. and you would be stuck with her either way. then YOU might want to obtain a divorce and it is possible that other women might not want you.
and as a final comment i happen to know for a fact, that it is clear to tell if a man is indeed a virgin or not a virgin. it is not as easy to tell as with a woman, obviously, but dont think that it is impossible to tell. so if you do go to tell a woman after a divorce that you are indeed still a virgin, not only will you have to answer to Allah, but if the girl is also knowing (and today most women actually are because they have to learn these things for their own protection) she would likely divorce you also.
all praise and glory be to Allah, salaam
I'm not going to change my mind or view of divorcees one tiny bit ;). I still would never ever marry a divorced person and I'm still going to view them as generally unreliable people that I want nothing to do with and that's that :). I don't need some divorced or non-virgin guy "guiding" me sexually based on his sexual experiences with other women. I find it very offensive that he uses his past sexual tactics from other women on me. No thank you. I much prefer that my husband "practices" on me - we have a lifetime, inshallah, to perfect the intimacy :).
Yup u r ri8
They r tainted coz they r not virgins anymore? Sister im sure u know that bibi khadija r.a was a widow when our prophet s.a.w married her and all his other wives were as well except bibi aisha r.a. Do u think he would have married any1 of them if they were tainted? Astagfirullah sister we should b proud of the fact that we belong to a religion which has a very modern approach. Men and women should b judged according to the level of piety not their viginity. Whether she is a divorced or a widowed or a raped woman. What r we going to say about those converts who turned to faith after yrs and yrs of living in disbelief in chastity? That way no one will ever accept them into a muslim community. They will b shunned
Besides that Allah s.a.w though does not like divorce as an act but he has made it halal for a reason. Sometimes ppl change drastically after several yrs of marriage and making adjustments with such ppl becomes difficult or even impossible. Islam has allowed ppl to get out of such dangerous situations. This does not make any1tainted or anything else. Thatz stereotyping all divorce cases. Lets not have any prejudice like this. May u never have to walk a difficult path like most divorced women do. I hope someday u will understand.
Dear sister I Pray to Allah that listen to your prayer about perfect husband. But you never know what will or can may happen so it's better not to be over confident on how or who we will get as spouse. We all even dont know what will happen in our next second .....Sorry if I am being rude 🙂
sorry sister, every divorcee is not innocent , and every person has right to select right person, i have a friend who got divorced for stupif reason she gave khula to her husband u know what , that his husband was saying her to do hijab he was from a good pious family and she was modern and later she lied to all saying he was infertile astagfirullah just to marry other person she gave wrong reason, she got divorced within a month , sister today's people cant be compared to the olden pious ladies , tosay they are misusing the right of khula and for silly aspects they are getting divorced ,
Sister Zoya ,
I agree with you 100% ..
Yes u have full full full ri8 according to islam
assalamualaikum brother , i know u are feeling bad as your mother is not understanding you , brother but she is your mother and trust me no mother will curse his kids ,but yes she is feeling hurted as u disobyed her how would u feel if ur kid in future does this same thing and go against u and marry a girl of his choice wont u feel hurted , after all she is your mother and has right on you and to take decission for ur life , but its up to u and ur wife to keep you mother happy and convince her and win her heart , if u and your wife will make ger understand u both are happy together ur mother will agree . a mother always wants there children to be happy she is just concerned about ur life , see her point of view also , and pray allah for guidance , read hadith and explain ur mother , and dont talk harsh to her , it is a testing time in your life , tell even your wife to be good to her and love her just like her own mother and win her heart .
jazakallah
"how would u feel if ur kid in future does this same thing and go against u and marry a girl of his choice wont u feel hurted" - Marrying a person of our choice is allowed in Islam. If it wasn't then forced marriage wouldn't be haraam.
you are taking it wrong way , i never said we cant marry of our choice, and by the way forceful marriage is not allowed in islam i nevr said him he should not marry that girl whom he liked , i was talking about his mothers sentiments that his decission mite have hurted her . every human have there own way of thinking , i was just trying to make his and his mother relation better , maybe his mother is wrong but still she is his mother , and they have to convince his mother and still love her . marriage are decided by allah and allah knows best .
Oh alright. I thought you was saying something like that marrying someone that you like is just wrong. My misunderstanding.
Salaams,
Unfortunately, not all mothers are truly caring for their children. I imagine you probably think so because you had a good mom, but in reality there are selfish, abusive, and neglectful mothers out there. The fact that it is their child means nothing to them, and all they care about is their own nafsani or even evil desires.
Putting those awful women aside, most reasonable parents wouldn't want their children to choose a spouse strictly because it was suggested by a parent. I have three sons myself, and I can't ever imagine trying to coerce them into marrying someone of MY choice. I would be glad to give them honest feedback about the girls they are interested in after I meet them, but this would be to help them make their own choice of what's best for them. My feelings would not be hurt at all if they didn't chose "my favorite".
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
We do know that Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) married divorced women and widowed women (some who had been married twice before!) with only one of his marriages being an exception to that. So what is the problem with a man marrying either a divorced or widowed woman? When we will answer to Allah, he will look at our deeds and intentions and we will be judged based on this by Allah because HE is the Best Judge, none of us are remotely comparable. If there was some point to be made about not marrying a previously married person, I doubt the example from our beloved Prophet (pbuh) would have been made.
Are there any hadith or accounts of Prophets consulting with their mothers as to who they should marry? Are there any indications that any of the Prophets married of a girl that was a choice of their mother or didn't marry a girl due to their mother's choice?
Humans make errors and if we were angels, we would have been referred to as angels by Allah. We are in fact all with problems and baggage, and the ones who claim they are not, have little life experience and may not have a lot of empathy. Had Allah wanted he could have made divorce haram for us, but he didn't so we can't castaway divorced people.
To the poster who is ALREADY married to the divorcee and wondering what to do, I think do your responsibility to your mother, to your wife and inshaAllah, all will be well. You can't make your mother like your wife, but you can do your duty to her. You are not responsible for her feelings and her way of thinking, only for your actions. I, in fact, applaud you for choosing to marry someone compatible for you despite the fact she was a divorcee--you were man enough to know what you wanted and stand by your convictions. Besides, can you be 100% sure that your mother wouldn't have objected to another girl even if it were her choice? There are plenty of examples where mother-in-laws don't get along with their daughter-in-laws. Period. I wonder if she facing some problems in her social circle where other women are saying "oh that is the woman whose son married a divorcee..." and then of course takes it out on you.
I wonder, had the wife of this poster come to this website and asked "What should I do? My husband loves me but my mother-in-law hates me because I was divorcee." I wonder what advice we would have given to her.
Sister Amy, Great advice! mashaAllah!
Yes It is sunnah to marry virgins because our prophet said to one of his companion who married a widow: " Why did you not marry a virgin whom you could play with and she could play with you?" ( Sahih Bukhari and Sahih Muslim ) and other aspects is to look for the ones with good religion (religious) and good character.
Yes it is Sunnah, but divorcees are neither tainted nor unreliable--you missed the boat on what i was trying to say. I would absolutely not want to come even CLOSE to infer that our Prophet Muhammad pbuh married unreliable or tainted women because they were previously married. Alhumdulillah--I would like to take my deen as whole--not take the parts I like and leave the parts I don't like.
Anyways, ppl always get tested for their words, I pray that Allah forgive us for our naivety and guide us all on the Right Path, Ameen.
And you have to understand that the Prophet (pbuh) made a POINT of the women he chose to marry to be an example for us. His marriages were not some story for us to be entertained about when we were to read of this later. You can not discriminate against divorced ppl. Period. You can make your choice, but you can't say that someone is of lower status to you, or imply that just because they were previously married. That is not an opinion.
Firstly, I answered ONLY the first para of your previous comment and so I said that we should marry the religious virgins with good character as is advised by our Prophet (SAW).
‘The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to me, “Have you married a virgin or a previously-married woman?” I said, “A previously-married woman.” He said, “Why did you not marry a virgin whom you could play with and she could play with you?” (Bukhari)
Basically, that person married a divorced woman because he wants her to take care of his young sisters.
Secondly, I am not the one who said that divorcees are 'tainted' and 'unreliable' and so I won't comment on that and I'll consider the rest of your post directing to whoever said that.
-the Prophet himself married previously-married women. In fact his first marriage that lasted for a long time without him marying anyone else along with her was to a person who was a widow.
-Jannah lies under the feet of the mother but islamically absolute obedience is not due to parents. It is obedience within limits. Your mother being unhappy and cursing you is her issue. Her saying she will not forgive you is her issue. What Allah will look to is if you tried your best to be good to your mother AND THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE BEING EVIL OR DIVORCING YOUR WIFE.
-I can bet that half the marriage questions on this site are from people originally from the indian subcontinent.
-I am a Pakistani and im married to an egyptian and there just doesn't seem to be an opposition to our marriage ANYWHERE close to the kind in my culture. My brother in law just married recently (his first marriage) to a girl with two kids and divorced. People are fine. No one died. No one got cursed out.
-But realize that we have this thing in our culture..in eastern cultures in fact...where the status of parents is elevated to the level of gods in practice in daily life. Parents have a VERY high status in islam. but a man has the right to marry who he wishes. I noticed among egyptians...soo many of them are married to foreigners and they don't get beat down by their families. Men have a certain level of independence in the arab culture.
Which has made me realize that some issues and characteristics are specific to certain cultures.
-So deal with your mom like she is unwell. like she needs your compassion. and try to be your best to her. Don't let her behavior make you depressed and dilipitated in your own life.
-Also to the sister who said she doesnt wish to marry a divorced person and she knows that for a fact. You have every right to your opinion. But to think that divorced people are 'tained' is AT BEST a very naive view and it also tells which area of the world you belong to :-/ Honestly..i dont know of anyone else up till now who talks like this EXXCEPT people from the subcontinent.
-Did you know that the sahaba and sahabiat also got divorced and remarried? Would you say about them that they were tainted? Rather this is real life and divorce is a mercy from Allah. Deen and Allah are the goal not marriage. Marriage is a means and if two people can't work it out, it is absolutely OK for them to part ways after trying their best.
-My brother was married at a very young age. His marriage didnt work out due to a very legitimate reason subhanallah that I cannot elaborate here. and subhanallah he was slandered and talked about behind his back. Allah has given him a great wife now subhanallah, after a big test. He is mashallah a great 'catch' in every sense of the word and im not just saying that cuz he's my brother. I mean that honestly.
ASAK,
@ADINA MOHAMMADI, ego,ego,ego !!!!!!!!!you are not yet married and only Allah knows who you end up marrying so dont speak such things that offence Allah.This is an advice to u.and the kind of attitude you carry and saying such big things without the fear of Allah who has the power of everything.He can change anyones life upside down.with such attitude you hopefully marry a non divorcee guy but end up getting a divorce.
I have to agree with cheerful just because a girl get divorced ,that doesn't mean she is some nasty person and yeah she isn't a virgin anymore of course. But you know what must of the Muslim girls do alot of bad things these days so if you do marry one u think she is fresh and clean I don't think so. Just because she is going to be a virgin you think she is clean ? No who knows she have have done other things. So is not nice saying you will never marry a divorced ,person because she isn't a virgin.
Salam,
I am just disgusted that some narrow minded people would think of divorces as tainted and unreliable because they couldn't make the marriage work. This is news to me. I am trying to get a divorce now because my husband was taking drugs, not providing for me, having affairs and abusing me and completing leaving the way of islam when all along I have tried to be the best wife I can to him. I have desperately tried to make it work but my husband refuses to change.
So just because I do not want to suffer the torment of this man and become mentally ill living in this marriage mean that I am tainted and unreliable.
So I will now be labeled as a bad person when I have done nothing wrong! I was unfortunately in a situation which I had no control over! This is disgusting. I guess I have got no chance of ever remarrying then if muslims think like this!
There are people out there who commit zina before marriage. They have willfully tainted themselves and committed sins and because nobody knows about it they have a good label.
Then the poor divorced women is tainted and unreliable just because she doesn't want to stay in an abusive marriage untill she is murdered by her husband! Ironic.
Sumaira, not all Muslims think like that. Only narrow-minded people.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Why are you comparing divorced women to zina-people? Zina-people go beyond being tainted, they're directly gross and revolting.
assalamalaikum-
I am just disgusted that some narrow minded people would think of divorces as tainted and unreliable because they couldn't make the marriage work.......
THIS IS NOT NARROW MINDED IT IS UN-ISLAMIC THE PERON WHO TOLD IS TRYING TO DEFY NABI SALAHUALAHAIWASALAM WHOSE MAJOR NUMBER OF MARRIAGES WERE OF DIVORCEES AND WIDOWS....
AND IF ANY ONE USES THESE ABSURD WORDS AGAINST DIVORCED-WOMEN THIS SHOWS THE IMMATURE TRAINING OF THE MASLAKHS WHO ARE ALREADY MAKING MILLIONS OF DIVORCEES DUE TO THEIR WRONG POLICIES AND WRONG TEACHINGS AND JUDGEMENT ON TALAQ;
THOSE WHO ARE DIVORCEES PL FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH DONT CARE FOR THIS TYPE OF USELESS TALK AND SPOIL YR HEAD AND HEALTH BE CALM DONT BOTHER BE CARELESS AND TRUST IN ALLAH FOR HE WILL GIVE RESPECT WHAT THESE BE IMAAN PEOPLE CAN DISRESPECT THE DIVORCEES AS I KNOW THE RECIEVING END ROLE OF DIVORCEES ARE ATLEAST 90 % CASES ,,,,,,,,IN ALL CASES
WHAT THIS PERSON KNOW HAS HE GONE TO SEE TO INSIDE STORY....... AN EXAMPLE LIKE THIS- So I will now be labeled as a bad person when I have done nothing wrong! I was unfortunately in a situation which I had no control over! This is disgusting. I guess I have got no chance of ever remarrying then if muslims think like this!HAS HE SEEN PERSONALLY??????
Then the poor divorced women is tainted and unreliable just because she doesn't want to stay in an abusive marriage untill she is murdered by her husband!DOES HE KNOW THE SUFFERING WHAT IT IS DID HIS SISTER FACE ANY OR THESE TYPE OF SITUATION WHOCH BRING THE STAGE DO OR DIE??????
ALL THE BEST FOR YOUR FUTURE WITH A GOOD HUSBAND AND BEAUTIFUL MARRIED LIFE .......WITH THE PERMISSION OF THE FORUM PLS LIKE MY PAGE MAY BE U GET SOME CONTACT OF A FURURE HUSBAND IF ALLAH WILLS- https://www.facebook.com/BLISSOFREMARRIAGE?ref=hl
Thanks brother for your kind words.
But I am not looking now. I still haven't got the khula yet.
I don't understand why "victims" of divorce are acting like they have no fault whatsoever in ending up in divorce. Sorry, but before people get married there are always indicators as to what kind of spouse they're going to be - I don't believe that people truly believe they marry someone completely good and suddenly, out of nowhere, in the marriage they become drug addicts, drunks, abusive and so on. Prior to marrying them, there are usually strong signs as to this is the kind of behavious you can expect from that person.
So yes, divorce is, to me, also a sign of really naive and bad judgement. I wouldn't be comfortable marrying a person who's naive and can't estimate things in life more accurately - someone who can't read the obvious signs :). I don't care if people think that makes me an unislamic person, luckily I don't need any of you's judgement, just like you don't really need mine :). And that's fine, we don't all have to be homogenous and think alike about divorcees.
Also, I'm not a man, to those of you who adressed me as one :).
Actually, I have seen many people have such opinions. A friend of mine who has 'ilm no less than a scholar was warning my other young friend who wanted to marry a divorcee. Even he said to him, what you (Adina) said. But I believe it is unwise to generalize this, because we have seen divorces happen among the Sahaabah also and it has been made Halaal by Allah, so that they are not tied together without willingness and compatibility. Yes, both maybe responsible for not being successful in saving the relationship, but this is not true every time. Sometimes, a divorce becomes Barakah, when a person finds a spouse better than the first one, such as what we find in the story of the Sahabi Zaid bin Haarith and Zaynab bint Jahsh Radiyallahu Anhuma, when she was allowed to take divorce the person she married after that was the mercy to all the mankind - Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.
For this reason, it is not wise to generalize this statement, though a person who is marrying for the first time (that is to say who is a virgin) is recommended to marry a virgin, in what we find in the following Hadith from Sahih Muslim, Kitab an Nikah:
Jabir bin 'Abdullah (Radiyallahu Anhu) reported: 'Abdullah died and he left (behind him) nine or seven daughters. I married a woman who had been previously married. Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said to me: Jabir, have you married? I said: Yes. He (again) said: A virgin or one previously married? I said: Messenger of Allah, with one who was previously married, whereupon he said: Why didn't you marry a young girl so that you could sport with her and she could sport with you, or you could amuse with her and she could amuse with you? I said to him: 'Abdullah died (he fell as martyr in Uhud) and left nine or seven daughters behind him; I, therefore, did not approve of the idea that I should bring a (girl) like them, but I preferred to bring a woman who should look after them and teach them good manners, whereupon he (Allah's Messenger) said: May Allah bless you, or he supplicated (for the) good (to be) conferred on me (by Allah).
So Adina, I wouldn't say what you desire is wrong, but generalizing such a statement is not right. 🙂
May Allah find you the perfect man who would help you walk upon the Sunnah until you meet Allah. Aameen
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
Sister Adina, I'm curious to know how you would assess the following situation:
Two individuals marry. They are both young, virgin, and trying to be the best Muslims they can. During the course of the marriage, it comes out that one of them is barren and cannot bear children. The other wants their Islamic rights to bear a child, they both understand this, and divorce amicably so the fertile one can marry someone who can have children.
Obviously, this is not something they could have known ahead of time, since they were both virgins. And it was something outside of the control of their actions and character. Who could possibly be exercising bad judgment in such a scenario? Or who would be to blame for divorcing, since the rights of the one are islamically valid?
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Adina,
Nobody has a crystal ball to predict how their husband or wife will behave through the course of their marriage. For your information the world does not revolve around your theory that people would be able to predict a good spouse. Marriage is a gamble. You do not truly know the person until your married.
AND believe it or not people can suddenly change!, People change believes. People change from bad to good and from good to bad. Not everyone stays the same from birth to death.
I got married to my 5th cousin and my whole generation knew him from birth. He was known to be of exceptional good character and very pious. He was praised by everyone. When I spoke to him and got to know him. I could not find a single fault with him. If someone has any bad habits or a tiny fault they will slip up at some time and someone somewhere will know about it. But his slate was 100% clean.
I was not naive, I was poking and picking at everything to try to find a fault with him but for the life of me could not. He did have one fault though, he was not trendy or stylish! but I could live with that.
He remained the perfect person for 7 years, our marriage was perfect and we were so happy, Until suddenly he slowly changed and become the complete opposite of his character at which point I was trying desperately to bring him back to his self to no avail. He didn't want to change. He never ever raised his voice to me always spoke gently and kindly for 7 years! Untill then he started shouting at me and cussing me and calling vile names. I was gobsmacked myself how someone can change after 7 years!!!! Everyone in my relatives and community are shocked.
So tell me what indicators were there in my marrying this person that he will change after 7 years. If someone is a pious person who fullfils all their duties and is known by people as perfect, how can you make a bad judgement on that person? If he was a bad person from the start wouldn't I have noticed something in 7 years? A person can't keep up an act for 7 years!
I agree.there are people who have divorced for simple reasons such as not finding their spouse attractive after a few years of marriage or divorcing because of simple arguements etc etc. These people may well be unreliable and have not worked on their marriage.
You need to see the reasons why someone has divorced. In some marriages both spouses are responsible for the breakdown. In some its only the wife or only the husband. There is good and bad in everything. You cant just give a bad label to a certain group of people. You sound like these backward old people who always say its the womens fault if a marriage breaks down because they couldn't make their husband good or work at it etc etc...
I hope you you are successful in predicting a good husband who will be sincere to you till death. And if for some reason he changes or there are problems in your marriage it is all your fault because you chose the wrong person. Then please do not get divorced cause you will be known as unreliable and tainted.
People can be a victim of divorce just like some people can be a victim of their ego. It doesn't matter what anyone believes, but reality is that you find out things you don't know about your spouse after you get married. Some people can live with these new discoveries and others can't. Whether we believe that happens, is irrelevant. It happens. It's like saying "I believe the world is flat."--well it doesn't matter, because it isn't. And if a person hasn't been married and isn't a professional counsellor, giving advice on marital relations is like a blind person endeavouring to give driving lessons.
What does not make sense to me is if a person doesn't care, why bother to post a response. I would say people come here with their issues with hopes that someone WILL care. This is a place for many to turn and get advice, not judgement. Besides, the poster was concerned about what to do with his mother, not whether he should marry a divorcee--he had already married her and his only concern is his mother.
You shouldn't be concerned about other people's judgement, but you should be concerned about their feelings. Calling someone tainted and unreliable is hurtful, unnecessary, counter-productive and not compassionate. It wasn't really something that one could take away from the conversation and say, that was useful. And again, the Prophet (pbuh) married divorced women, it seems like that is an accusation about them and for that reason alone, it was offensive to say that about the Prophet's (pbuh) wives.
No reason to get worked up over comments from someone with no experience in the arena of marriage. I think we should ignore the comments of someone who is speaking regarding divorce when they haven't even experienced marriage. Even the Prophet saw himself gave his wives the choice to move on.
anyway..
Any sister who is divorced or seeking a divorce for a legitimate reason, i would like to say that I do not see you guys as tainted or unreliable. People are tainted or untainted based on their piety , not their marital status.
unless yur from the subcontinent 🙂 THEN your whole life revolves around your marital status. 🙂
~ seriously joking
ASSALAMALAIKUM-
They r tainted coz they r not virgins anymore?
IT IS VERY ABSURD THAT THE PERSON WHO STARTED WITH THIS WORD IS TOTALLY ON THE WRONG PATH AND HE IS TRYING TO ACT AS IF HE IS SUPERIOR IN THE SPECIES OF MANKIND -
IT IS NO USE BOTHERING SO MUCH ON HIS AND PUTTING YR SELF TO SO MUCH PAIN AND FEELING -
HE IS NO ONE TO GIVE JUDGEMENT ON THE SANCTITY OF WOMEN BECAUSE HE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT IS THE STATUS IF WOMEN IRRESPECTIVE OF THEIR RACE COLOR AND RELIGION-
WOMAN WAS CREATED FROM THE RIB OF MAN-
SHE WAS NOT CREATED FROM THE HEAD TO RULE ON HIM-
NOR FROM THE FEETOF MAN TO BE STEPPED UPON-
SHE WAS MADE FROM THE SIDE TO BE CLOSE TO HIM
FROM BENEATH HIS ARM TO BE PROTECTED BY HIM-
AND NEAR HIS HEART TO LOVED BY HIM......
MuhammadAli was occupied with what his father, Abdul-Rahman, said about parents, families, and spouses. He wondered about what noble things Islam says in regard to women. So he asked, "Dad, what does Islam recommend about women?"
"I am glad you asked, since this is a subject greatly misunderstood in the West," his father answered. He then continued, "Islam enjoins upon Muslims to be careful about women in a society. It advises to treat women on equal terms, be it their rights or obligations. This was at a time in history when women were treated harshly, more or less like a piece of property and often held in contempt. Islamic recommendations were very revolutionary then and most constructive. It jarred the society in the way it regarded women. Let us refer to the Holy Quran and see what it says:
وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِي عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ
...And Women Shall Have Rights Over Men Similar To Those For Men Over Women.
(Surah 2: Ayah 228)
Other Hadiths of the Prophet (pbuh) and/or sayings of the Imams are given here:
► The World And All Things In It Are Valuable; But The Most Valuable Thing In The World Is A Virtuous Woman.
► Allah Enjoins You To Treat Women Well, For They Are Your Mothers, Daughters, And Aunts.
► The Rights Of Women Are Sacred. See That Women Are Maintained In The Rights Assigned To Them.
JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE ONE DAY ALLAH WILL SHOW HIM THE ROUTE TO MARRY A DIVORCEE OR WIDOW THEN HE WILL THINK HE HAS FALLEN TO THE GROUND THE FROM THE MOUNT HE WAS SITTING.
REGARDS
Assalaamu aliakum,
How is it that this debate has derailed due to the shia (deliberate typo) arrogance of an old maid's vitriolic comments? Sounds like a tainted heart to me.
Well said comments by many especially by Saba with the hadith about those who become arrogant on account of their 'goodness'.
To the OP, as advised, honour your commitment to your wife and take care of your mother but explain that her unislamic attitude to your situation will only serve to damage relations between you. As said, you can't change the way she thinks.
Assalaamu aliakum
people that are judging a divorcee they shouldn't.sometimes girls jus get divorced because the guy just can't do it anymore.they do not want to work it out so you are divorced that easily.
Adina all
I have to say what goes
Around comes
Around watch what you say sweetie because
You will end up with the worse wife ever so watch what you say because nobody
Is perfect!! Reason why, I'm a good looking girl marsallah good muslim alhamdullah marry good muslim husband!! When my friends husbands cheated on them I would take behide there back
And say if that was my husband I would leave
Him just like that, guess what 6 months ago I found out my husband cheated on me is the worse think ever!! I learn a big lesson never say never!!!
I married a divorced woman and got her non co opertive, rude, has no sense how to be happy and make others as well, whenever I come back home her mode is always upset, no smile, just complaining. In start I was thinking that her attitude because of getting into bad experience of her first marriage and every thing will be settled with the passage of time but nothing happened this way what I was thinking, in the 4 yrs of marriage no change.