Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Regret getting nikkah done

Depressed girl heartbroken distressed

Assalamu alaikum,

I am a 22 year old female. For 5 years my mother has been forcing me to marry my cousin from back home however I have always disagreed. Last year in December I came across a guy and fell in love with him we decided we were going to get married before the end of 2018. This guys family knows about me and are happy to marry there son to me however my family do not know about this. I recently went back home for a wedding and told the guy that I like that I would speak to my mum once I am back. Me and my mum have a very weak relationship and I wanted to build on that before I told her about the guy that I like as if I told her before she would most probably have disowned me.

When I went back home my mother told me she would not force me to marry my cousin whilst we are there and living close to them however when we got back home the last week before I came back was very hectic. I thought I was going to go into depression because my whole family were insisting on me getting married to him. I’d say no and they would ask me what my problem is and I’d tell them that I do not like him but they would say that is not a valid reason. I told my whole family that I am against this marriage including my cousin himself who tells everyone that he is madly in love with me and will not marry anyone else.

Anyways, we got back from Pakistan and 2 weeks later my mum started again about getting married to my cousin. She would say silly things like ‘I am going to leave you’ and telling me that she will disown me. She would get my best friend to get me to say yes to this marriage. My best friend knew I like another guy but she would say that I should just get married to my cousin for my mum as my mum would not accept anyone else. I was very scared to tell my mum about the guy that I like because to start off with our relationship was very weak and secondly she would have disowned me so I wanted to take a bit of time to fix our relationship. One day my mums friend came to my house and she was explaining to me the benefits of marrying in family and asked me to think about it and I said ok I will think about though I had no intention on saying yes but rather just wanted to get out of the situation. By the end of that day my mum assumed that I had said yes though I did no such thing. And from there - long story short - my mum spoke to my family and told everyone that I had said yes and very time I would say that no I didn’t say yes I haven’t agreed she would send her friend and my best friend to shut me up. I felt so suffocated during those days I thought nobody was with me and therefore I told the guy that I like that I am getting married and I can’t do nothing about it.

Now I have had my nikkah done to my cousin who is back home. We are planning on doing the functions in February next year. I have tried giving this marriage a go by talking to him over the phone and on messages but I just cannot bring myself to have feelings for him I cannot let go of my past, of the guy that I had liked. I really want to get out of this marriage and get married to the guy I like. Every day I goto sleep crying, wake up crying it’s all I can think about and I do not have any elder siblings with whom I can share my feeling with. I feel so stuck. I do not know what to do.

If I ask for a divorce then my family will all turn against me but I will have what I want but if I just carry on with this marriage then I will not be able to give it my all. I will not be able to live with him as a wife because my heart is not in it. I feel so suffocated. If suicide wasn’t haram i would have ended my life a long time ago.

Please help me in my situation.

Jazak’Allah Khair.

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4 Responses »

  1. Why on earth did you agree to marry him if you had no feelings for him? Your family, especially your mother are being incredibly selfish and do not care about you or what you think. If they did, they would not be forcing you into a situation where you are suicidal.

    Your family are not going to let you get out of this marriage so you need to decide between your family and this guy. Is this guy you like willing to marry you? If so, you need to marry him and for goodness sake grow a backbone. You brought this on yourself by agreeing to this marriage only you can get out of it.

    • i think u need too talk too the guy n tell him u cant continue u are allready married u can't back down of it sake of your family

  2. If you are sure you are not going to be able to have a fulfilling marital relationship with your cousin you need to stand your ground and call this whole thing off. It seems you're already living away from your parents which should make things a lot easier. Your parents have no right to force you to marry anyone and the sort of pressure they have applied to you amounts to forced marriage which is a crime in the UK. You are the victim here, not your family. When it comes to marriage, it is YOU who has the final say and you have already told them a million times that you do not like your cousin. They are absolutely and completely wrong to pressure you in such a way that you are now suicidal.

    You need to tell your parents that they need to choose between having you as a daughter and this marriage. If they do not come around and agree to cancelling this whole thing you need to leave your family for your own sake. If your family do not support you after you tell them this then their tradition and their needs are greater than your own life and they do not deserve to have you as a daughter.

    And BTW, cousin marriages are a big no no. The prophet strongly discouraged them as they can lead to 'weak' children both mentally and physically.

  3. I'm sorry but this looks like forced marriage. Which is also forbidden in Islam. You need to look at the person you are going to marry. Are they practicing? Do you think that he is capable of providing for you? And more importantly is he trustworthy? And will commit only to you?

    If he is good for you you need to tell your family you found someone that you love. And you don't want to marry that person. Your family can get a jail term as it's now recognised as a crime in the UK.

    You need to decide. It's your life.

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