Kept me waiting for 3 years and then ended our friendship, I am completely shattered as I did care for him
Assalam alaikm,
I had been corresponding with a man for over 2 years who I met at a matrimonial event in 2010. About 1 year in, he told me that he wanted to keep talking to more women because he wasn't ready to get married. I should have ended communications but I didn't. We both again went to the same event in 2011 to meet more people but were still talking to one another. He said he hoped to get married 6 months later. Then 6 months later, he said he wanted to wait at least another 2 years. He asked if we could stay friends. I said yes (which I know regret) knowing that I had feelings for him.
Now 2+ years after I met him, again I saw him at the same matrimonial event. My heart hurt seeing him there because it was difficult to see him still wanting to meet more women. He justified this by saying he wants to wait to get married eventually (after finishing medical school) and planned to marry one of the girls he's been talking to. He also said he needs these female friendships to help to stay connected while he's working so hard in school.
It was too much to see him at the same event 3 years in a row. I expressed reluctance to continue our friendship. He said I 'deceived' him by breaking my agreement to always be his friend no matter what. While I did agree, I did so because I cared so much about him and it was my only option he gave me to have a chance at a future with him. He also called me a 'hypocrite' because I said I was upset to see him meeting more women when I too was at the matrimonial event (but only because he wouldn't give me a commitment.)
He called to end our friendship. In my heart, I know Allah is saving me from more heartache and confusion. But he made me feel like a bad person and was so harsh in his words to me. My heart is completely broken. I really did care for him. I do think his heart is good and there were many things that I admired about him. It's hard to reconcile my feelings and how bad I feel. I just don't understand what I did that as so wrong and why he was so harsh with me. Sometime it's hard to control feelings when you communicate so much with someone.
Passage
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Assalamu Alaykum, Sister Passage
Alas, the dating websites can be difficult. I have tried them myself and found they are not for me. I still hold out hope, and occasionally look at the site, but I have hardened myself against hoping they will be of any help in finding a match.
I am in no way saying what this man did was correct, nice, or Islamically acceptable. He did not treat you with the respect you deserve, and it sounds like he does not treat any woman with the respect they deserve. Although he fancies himself a muslim man, to me he appears to the be the Muslim version of a "Player" (in American lingo). Also, considering it a friendship is haraam. You should have considered him a potential husband. His actions have show he does not deserve you. The pain you are feeling is a lesson from Allah. Do not fall into a friendship. It is haraam. When you put your finger in a flame, it hurts. In the same way, when you have a friendship with a man, it hurts. This is Allah's lesson to us. Stay on the halaal path and avoid the pain.
Men can be fickle, as can women on these matrimonial sites. I think part of it is because of the anonymity of the sites. In some ways, it is like going to the store and seeing many brightly packages items on display. Some people will always come back looking for the brighter, shinier package. And because of the anonymity, there is little repercussions for this type of activity.
If you do choose to use one, have a family member help you and monitor your activities. I think Allah's plan of using your family to help locate and select a potential husband or wife is much more sensible and has a much better chance of success. In today's world, many people are not as close to their family as they should be, or their family lacks the ability to do a proper search. If that is the case for you, you may be able to get help from the local masjid, pious friends, etc.
Please, my dear sister, I think you know the answer, and it is in your last line:
This is so true. Avoid communications without assistance form your wali in the future, and you will please Allah and he will grant you the spouse he has planned for you all along.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com
Brother...I only just saw you reply now. Coincidentially we both picked up on the same thing, that the cause and answer lies in the sister's statement: Sometime it's hard to control feelings when you communicate so much with someone.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Amercan muslim brother,
iam becoming a fan of your advises. you have such kind way of adressing sensitive issues mashallah. may allah increase your wisdom. ameen
Assalamu alaykum, Friend
Alhamdulillah. It is Allah, not me.
Alhamdulilah.
I agree. Now I understand why that behavior is haram. It's very hard meeting someone. I think people like me get influenced by the western culture. So we want to make a connection but we have to be careful to not take it too far.
dear sis,
be assured that Allah saved you from a very wicked person.
when we are talking to people with intent to get married ofcourse we develop feelings for them thats why we are talking to them.
you know you should have stopped talikng to him once he showed no signs of commitment. accet your mistake there and learn a lesson from it. if a guy does not show commitment then leave it there - NO FURTHER CONTACT.
ofcourse in your emotions you thought he might change and kind of got trapped in this friend ship net. you now know there is no friendship between a man and a woman. Allah has already told us and now you know why.
put your trust in Allah. have faith in HIm that he saved you from a man who instead of letting you go is traping you in this stupid friendship net.
ask yourself this question ' do i really want to be with a man who doesnot respect me specially when things dont workout. do i really want a husband who doesnot have manners and decency to finish things approprately' this is his true personality .
i know it hurts but the best way to start healing now is first cut off all contacts with him , i mean ALL..... no e mail, no FB , no phone...... nothing. if he ever comes across your path just behave you dont know him, if confronts you about being friend etc just say as per the lwas of Allah there is no friendship between a man and a woman. if he says didnt you realise it before just say alhamdulillah Allah has shown you the right path now and you suggest the same for him. ( but try your best that you are not ending in circumstances where you two are face to face).
if you are coming across him at matrimonial events then go to a different one. pray a lot , listen to good lectures from yasmin mogahed ( i think being a woman she has addressed our sensitive hearts very well) also lectures from shaykh omar suleiman ( they are all on youtube) they will give a good insight about laws of love.
my dear little sis, men are men , they say a lot a things that we want to hear and we just believe that they are honest and true. but there are many men out there who can just say anything to a girl to win her trust and then sit back and enjoy .... i dont know what they gain from it perhaps they feed thier ego, or their importance or just a number in their list to feel valued or wanted. but a true man will be man enough not to play with anyones feelings and be honest and value a woman as she should be i.e not mess around with them and part their way like a gentleman if they are not interested and if they are then honour them with taking them in nikah.
you need to pay attention to your self and get out of this self pitty mode. be confident dont get trapped in any of this silly traps of friendship and hypocrite etc..... these are just what boys say when they want to place the blame on you when they know that they are wrong.
inshallah , you will find a a man who is worthy of your love and loyalty. till then dont waste it on any tom dick or harry. know your limits set by Allah and save yourself from any hurt in future.
Thanks you sister. You make much sense.
Dear Sister, Asalaamualaykum,
I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. This one sentence of yours: "Sometime it's hard to control feelings when you communicate so much with someone," holds the cause and the solution to your heartache. Allah tells us in the Quran and Sunnah about how to interact with the opposite gender and how to keep limits. So when we 'communicate so much' unnecessarily, we break the limits that have been set for us and when we break the limits, we leave the doors open for something to go wrong.
My dear sister, what you did wrong was to maintain contact with this man for so long knowing that he was making excuses not to get married. In doing so, you began to develop feelings for him, this became your weakness so you continued ignoring your logic that was telling you each time that something was not right with the character and intention of this man. Even now your feelings for him are blinding you and you are making excuses for him.
It is clear that this man has no intention to marry you or any of the women he is meeting at the marriage event, he has already told you that he is not seeking marriage, instead just wants female company to see him through till the end of his studies. His intentions and character are flawed and you are better rid of him. Infact I would suggest you warn the marriage event organisers about this man - not in a vindictive manner but in a factual manner about how he has behaved badly and very unislamically with you. They need to know so that they can ban him from attending these events and this may also give him the reality check that he needs. Any man who sincerely and genuinely intends to meet sisters with a view to marriage will make his intentions crystal clear through his 'words' and his 'actions'. So he will not only speak to you about marriage, but he will want to involve family members early in the process too.
You seem to be an intelligent and kind hearted young sister and perhaps a little naiive too. But with time you will move on from this unpleasant episode, and insha'Allah you will also learn from it too so maybe it will be a blessing in disguise as you will become wiser to the world. Insha'Allah you will realise your mistakes and be better equipped to pick up on and respond faster to 'alarm bells' as there were plenty here. Do lots of tawbah and at the same time, thank Allah for saving you from falling into a deeper situation with this man. Protect yourself through sticking like glue to the Quran and Sunnah, learn the etiquettes to meeting brothers for marriage. And next time you meet a potential, involve friends/family from an early stage so they can keep checking on your progress and guide you along the way. When a man knows that family members are aware of his contact with you, he will behave better.
Keep striving sister. Insha'Allah you will pull through as a stronger and wiser Muslimah soon, aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
"In fact I would suggest you warn the marriage event organisers about this man - not in a vindictive manner but in a factual manner about how he has behaved badly and very unislamically with you. They need to know so that they can ban him from attending these events and this may also give him the reality check that he needs."
I strongly agree with everything here - especially this statement.
I just wanted to reiterate that it is perfectly permissible to do this in these circumstances. For the purpose of marriage if we know someone has a major flaw which may affect another person we have to disclose it. Therefore it is advisable that you do for the correct reason - to prevent him using the matrimonal service in this way again.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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asalamu alaikum,
after reading your post i can tell you he isnt much serious about marriage, instead hes looking for female friends to chat to. you said "He also said he needs these female friendships to help to stay connected while he's working so hard in school." what kind of nonesense is that.
its a good thing you broke your friendship. sis you need to reslise one thing, thatis you went to the matrimonial event to find a spouse, not a friend who you can become txt buddies with.
even if you wanted to be with him how many years are you gonna wait? so just move on and forget about him.
ma salama
Wonderful advice. I appreciate that perspective.
Asalamoalaikum dear sister,
I am sorry to read about your pain. I pray that Allah swt makes it easy for you to overcome this heart break and that you see the good in His wisdom for you.
I want to inform you that you are not a bad person. In fact, you seem to me like a very caring and gentle person. However, you did make some silly mistakes and this is why your heart is broken today.
This brother whom you speak of is clearly in the wrong. If he isn’t ready for marriage then he shouldn’t lead anyone on. In fact he has no business to be on a matrimonial website in the first place, where many people are seriously seeking a life partner. When he asked you to be his friend, you should have refused and told him that you aren’t on this website to make friends, rather you are here to find yourself a suitable life partner. This is where you went wrong.
I too was on a matrimonial website a while a go and I must say there are some interesting brothers out there, but it’s up to us to put our guard up. We cannot just let anyone in our heart. I think he made it very clear to you what he is looking for: temporary time pass and friendship till he finishes his education. The website you are on is probably an outlet for him. He should be indulging himself in other activities such as sports, a favourite hobby, spending time with family and friends, etc rather than “chopping” girls on matrimonial websites.
That being said, I think you should see this not as a loss but as a blessing in disguise. Would you honestly want to marry someone who needs to have “time pass” with other women to alleviate his stress or boredom? If I were you, I would thank Allah swt and be so happy that He saved me from such a person. If this brother is behaving like this today, who’s to say that he may not engage in the same activities after marriage? Instead of worrying about how he thinks of you, you need to worry about how Allah swt thinks of you. What this man thinks of you does not matter.
I know that you are hurt because you invested your time and feelings into this “friendship”, but a huge part of moving forward in life is to accept what we did wrong and to learn from it. Take this as a learning experience; learn from it, and for next time be wary of brothers who approach you for “friendship”. Remember, if someone likes you and wants your prescence in their life, they will propose to your family for marriage, not play these silly games of “friendship”. That is the only correct way to go. It will take you some time to move on but any time you feel down, just remember how blessed you are that Allah swt saved you from a greater calamity.
You are like a diamond, something very precious. Only the best man deserves you. However, it is up to you to protect yourself for the one who will truly understand your worth.
-Helping Sister
Thank you Helping Sister. Your words have warmed my heart.
Thank you so much for the kind and helpful responses and guidance. This has helped me so very much.
A couple of comments: I have seen more and more of the younger generation accept these casual friendships before deciding on marriage. Usually it's the person who is not so keen on the other who suggests these friendships. Unfortunately, there is a growing acceptance to being friends for an unspecified time period.
With regards to telling the organizers, I did email them after last year's event. I didn't say anything about this man specifically but just the general issue. This year they had imam Majid speak, and he talked about making a decision quickly such that hearts will not get broken. I appreciated his comments.
In the call with this man, I reminded him of the imam's comments. His response "The imam is not the authority on these issues and people have different approaches to marriage". He also was very concerned about coming across badly or hurtful. He told me that he's been telling all the women since he met in 2011 that he is talking to multiple people and that he is not making a decicion in the near term. When I asked why he didn't tell me that in 2010, he said in 2010 he was serious about getting married but he later changed his mind. He deemed the whole thing 'unfortunate'. It's incredible to me that he can change his mind and call it 'unfortunate' while me agreeing to stay his friend is 'deceptive'.
Anyway, my conclusion is that there are people who really don't want to do bad. However, to get what they want, they basically find a way to justiy it (e.g. telling the women upfront that he's not serious in the near future). So somehow that absolves them from wrongdoing. Then the second part is to blame the other person. In my case, I could have walked away and I chose not to so that make me the evil-doer and he's innocent.
It is so infuriating and hurtful. I have not spoken to him since. But I am glad through all this that I maintained my dignity. I did not resort to name calling as he did. I actually ended the conversation wishing him the best in life.Part of me wishes I stood up for myself better. However, he wouldn't get it anyway and I at least did not call him names and be mean as he was to me with the labels and harsh words.
So I don't think I should contact the organizers as this is just the way the ball seems to roll nowadays. I have so many many friends getting hurt in the process of finding a spouse. I wish there was a better way to manage the process. I almost wish there were two events:one for serious people and the other for networkers. I figure calling the event a matrimonial would take care of that but apparently not.
But again, thank you so much for the support. I am not doubting myself anymore. This man was not the right one for me. As was said, he didn't respect me and respect is the most important part of a relationship. Thank you.
Passage
Salaam Sister Passage
InshaAllah by now I hope you have found the strength and ease to move forward and let go of this person. May Allah SWT make it easy for you, Ameen.
When I read this part: "He justified this by saying he wants to wait to get married eventually (after finishing medical school) and planned to marry one of the girls he's been talking to. He also said he needs these female friendships to help to stay connected while he's working so hard in school"..... May Allah forgive me but the first three words that came to my mind were "what an xxx ".
Astaghfirullah, but I unintentionally gave this brother a rather nasty name-calling. Please keep re-reading what you just told us and see exactly how Allah SWT protected you from an insincere person. May Allah SWT continue to protect you always. Ameen.
Your,
Sister In Islam