Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Sexually transmitted disease has shattered my faith in Allah

 

Blue sky and sun ays

I am a revert to Islam. I have been married ten years to someone who was born and raised Muslim. We had an Islamic arranged marriage through my wali.

After the second year of our marriage I discovered I was infected with the Herpes Simplex Virus.  This is a sexually transmitted disease that causes blisters to appear primarily around the genitals however it can spread to other parts of the body through direct, skin-to-skin contact with the blisters. It is often a painful disease and there is no cure however there are medications available to alleviate the pain and lessen the frequency of future outbreaks. It is not a life threatening disease and it has not prevented me from living a full life; it has however affected me emotionally and most importantly, spiritually.

I honestly had no idea I was inflicted with this disease and Allah knows that if I had known I never would have married. As scared as I was to inform my husband, I did inform him directly. I even showed him the medical test results.

In the beginning he was just as shocked as I was. It was difficult for him to accept and he even went through a period where he literally would not touch my hand in fear of contracting the disease. I urged him to visit my doctor with me or see a male doctor to firstly have himself tested and then secondly educate himself about the disease itself. He resisted for many weeks but eventually did get tested and was informed he too had the same STD.

At this point we had a discussion about how this STD came to be in our marriage. As difficult as this conversation was, I was honest about my previous life before Islam. I explained to him that I had previously been tested for STD's before I accepted Islam and the results were negative. At that particular time, I did however naively request from my doctor to "test me for everything", so in all fairness, perhaps I was not tested specifically for Herpes. He was in turn honest about having a relationship outside the boundaries of Islam when he was younger and admitted he'd never been tested before he married. Given this information about both our pasts, my doctor said it was next to impossible to pinpoint who exactly brought this STD to our marriage. The doctor further explained that either one of us could have had this disease for years without exhibiting any symptoms.

In the beginning I was completely blaming myself and felt certain our marriage would end. My husband also blamed me stating he had never had any symptoms of the disease so therefore it must have come from me. A vicious cycle of blaming one another soon started.

I urged him to educate himself about the matter yet he refused. Months after our diagnoses my husband decided to burn himself on several parts of his body in the hopes it would cure him of the disease. (I cannot remember the Arabic term for this but it is something our Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, discouraged us from doing.) Needless to say, burning himself did not cure him of the disease yet he insisted it had because he had not seen any symptoms of the disease. He essentially began living in denial that he still had the STD.

We had both been previously married. I felt obligated to inform my ex-husband of this disease for fear he may infect his future wives. My husband however did not feel comfortable with informing his ex-wife and I did not pressure him on this issue. I did however take issue with the fact that over the years of our marriage he decided to take another wife knowing he had an STD. He opted to not tell her about the disease before they married and said he would never tell her. I feel this is a great injustice towards her however I cannot be responsible for his actions.

Our marriage from the beginning has not been strong. We were in fact pondering divorce before news of the STD arrived. We did however manage to remain married for ten years.  I had already given birth to our first child before I discovered the disease and she was born healthy. My second child was a different issue. After many months of celibacy and much strain on our marriage we resumed marital relations and Allah blessed us with another child. My doctor explained to me from the very beginning that it was still safe to have another baby and was still safe to deliver naturally so long as I took the necessary precautions and medications. I followed this to the letter and made fervent du'a to Allah to protect my child, however my second child was in fact born with the same STD.

Thankfully, he has only been affected by the virus superficially on his skin and has thus far not been affected by it internally, as there was some initial concern it could harm his central nervous system. Today, my child is thriving and active and I hope and pray his good health continues. I cannot forget however that my child will have this for life and that one day I must explain to him why he has this disease. What will I say to him? What then will he think of his own mother? I find this extremely unfair for Allah to do to us. I did the best I could do to protect my child but I feel disappointed that Allah did not protect him more.

For all the du'a I've ever made in my life, du'a for my child was the most important du'a I begged Allah to answer, yet he failed me.

This has essentially shattered my faith in Allah. I had already been experiencing every negative feeling imaginable just by being diagnosed myself. Having an STD can destroy your self-esteem and self-worth, at least this is how it affected me. At a time when I was welcoming my newborn, a time that should have been happy, I was questioning why Allah would allow my innocent child to be infected by this disease when he played no part in the sinfulness that originally caused it. I confided in a close friend yet she could only advise me this was a test from Allah. I can only say that I feel it is a very unfair and unjust test indeed, not only to myself but to all those involved, especially my child.

I am left with more questions than answers. Allah says in the Qur'an he does not give anyone anything more than they can bear but in this I no longer believe. He also says that no soul would bear the burden of another's sins and in this I most certainly no longer believe given that my child has been afflicted with something that was not from his own sinfulness.

I am also questioning the validity of Allah forgiving all of your previous sins before Islam. If this were in fact true, why did Allah allow my past life to ruin my new Muslim life? Every time I suffer pain from this disease I am reminded of my past and how my child will also suffer the same pain. I am saddened to think that my child's future ability to marry and have children may be jeopardized because of this disease.

Not only that, but due to the nature of this STD, there is a very real possibility that my other child may have been infected by me or my husband. (This however has not been confirmed medically, I am only speculating given that she has been exposed to it in ways that would in fact cause her to become infected.) No one can convince me this is a fair test from Allah and no one can convince me this is in anyway shape or form, merciful.

My marriage is now ending, we have decided to divorce. We had many issues already on the table and the STD only compounded the problem. Every time we argued over other issues my husband would unfairly bring up the disease, still blaming me for infecting him and our child. Now, due to this disease, I am facing the very real prospect of spending the rest of my life alone because no one would marry another person with an STD.

I am aware there are other Muslims with this disease that I could possibly marry but before that could happen I must be willing to firstly: allow my husband to take the children as he has already stated he would not allow me to keep them should I remarry and secondly: divulge this personal information to another wali in order to remarry. The thought of that alone is humiliating. My hands feel tied and my fate seems doomed to be lived sad and alone.

Now, going through divorce, I know I need Allah more than anything but with all these negative feelings about Him I'm left feeling lost. Most days I feel very sad, angry, upset and confused with Allah. I once threw the Qur'an in a fit of rage over these issues. It left a mark on my wall that to this day I cannot remove. Over the years I have had very real thoughts of leaving Islam but where do I go?

I still pray but not like before. I often delay my prayers now or miss some of them altogether. I am no longer interested in studying Islam or reading the Qur'an however I have children and feel obligated to teach them these things. Inevitably I feel like a hypocrite.

I have isolated myself from my fellow Muslim sisters out of jealousy of what Allah has blessed them with in their lives (good health, happy marriages, strong eman). I have taken my anger out on everyone around me. I have become bitter, resentful, moody, negative and in short a very unpleasant person to be around. I have changed over the years dramatically and everyone tells me this with great shock. No amount of prayers and du'a has helped me.

I have complained to Allah and even to people yet nothing changes, I still feel the same and each day I feel worse. I accept personal responsibility for my past mistakes but I am having an extremely difficult time in accepting what Allah has given me and I do not know how to sort myself out.

Thank you in advance for any advice you may have to offer me.

- EmanLow


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30 Responses »

  1. Hi EmanLow,

    Are you still following the posts?

    Best,

    ....

  2. SubanAllah look how easily men blame women
    They forget their past
    And think divorce is easy
    My ex husband slept with loads before accepting islam had married too and had over 13 kids

    When i found this knowing he was my second husband i discovered having sti when he forcefully wanted intercourse

    Later went dr found i was positive with sti
    I couldnt believe how all my test were negative and how he made me get infected

    Sick men exist selfishness
    Making all these women goes through this

    May Allah make it easy for you and all

    Ameen

  3. Allah knows the unknown. You may not have answers to your questions right now but when this child grows up you may see things differently. Allah gives the toughest tests to only those who can overcome them or learn something from them. For all you know this may help your child to become an advocate for those with STD's or learn to find a cure through himself. The reasons are endless sister, please do not lose hope in the almighty's plan. Have faith xx

  4. And for the brother with echzema, there are many natural cures for it, believe me, do the research. i'm a researcher myself and I have found many natural cures to help cure me of whatever ails me. Its worked 100% of the time mashallah. Be proactive. Do your research and find a natural cure. Allah will help you but you have to help yourself also. Remember, Allah has put a cure on this earth for every single disease. You can beat this.

  5. Sister, if HIV and cancer can be cured through natural therapy than inshallah, you can find the cure for your std. Allah has given us all the resources here on earth to cure any disease. Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) said, "every disease has a cure", I'm not sure about the exact hadith this quote comes from, but it is there somewhere. Do your research, be proactive. I know it is hard for you and believe me I am living through something very similar so I feel for you, but I have my faith in Allah and I know He will help me when He is ready, but you have to help yourself ALSO. Don't just sit and keep begging and when you dont get what you want you feel dejected. Maybe Allah has put ways in front of you to help cure yourself but you refuse to see them because you want him to magically make the STD disappear on its own. Open your eyes and find a cure for it. Its out there. If you want something badly enough, you will get it with Allahs help of course. Never forget, He is there with you throughout all of your struggles. He will guide you but be open to his guidance. Open your eyes and be thankful you have healthy children because there are a lot of Muslims out there who have sick children or can't have children at all.

    • Sister, I found a natural cure for herpes and alhamdullilah, it works! Don't ever let modern medicine fool you into thinking STDs can never be cured because that is a lie all made up to make money off the sick. The cure for herpes comes from a company called resolve herpes. Here is the link and inshallah it will work for you: http://www.resolveherpes.com/?a_aid=ahr

      • Salaam

        The website that you have hyperlinked no longer works do you mind sharing what remedy you tried rather than the link

        Jzk

  6. Try hydrogen peroxide therapy, either in bath form or internally. do much research before doing.

  7. Inshallah this story can inspire you a little...

    “I SUFFERED FROM ECZEMA”

    This is a true story of a Muslim brother who suffered from eczema, had low self-esteem about the way he looked, was not confident in getting a wife and had an amazingly beautiful dream that insha’Allah will be a comfort to him in this world and come true for him in the next world ameen. Tara Umm Omar

    Since I was born I suffered from Exema [Eczema] on my hands and arms and now I am 22 years of age and still suffering from such disease. Alhamdulelah it goes for a while but it comes back infected and inflamed.

    I always looked around me and saw other people’s hands and arms in perfect condition and I would go back home and cry so much that my tears would fill a bucket. I was bullied so much in Secondary School because of my Exema and I was treated like dirt and abused because of my belief in Islam. One day in class I cried for over an hour my eyes stung because of the class saying abusive things to me and the teacher did NOTHING because he hated my faith which was apparent.

    Since I was small I always held the Quran each night and begged Allah for my suffering to end. Even as I write this my eyes are full of tears.

    As I grew up my passion to marry grew. I always wanted to have a child to raise for the mercy of Allah. But because of my suffering from Exema that always stopped me from marrying.

    One day in College I saw a really beautiful Sister in Hijab from Lebanon (I think) and I wanted to marry her, but because of my Exema I thought she would not want to even look at me. By Allah, through Halal ways she rejected me which I feel in my heart was because of my hands.

    I feel so alone sometimes. I suffer SO much that I cannot go outside unless my sleeves of my shirt cover most of my hands. I cannot make Salat in the Masjid without worrying that someone is going to look at my hands and not want to shake them or that they will give me a bad look. I cannot eat outside or be with my friends without feeling worried that they are going to see my hands.

    When I do Wudu with water, my hands sting so much I cry. After Wudu I will make my Salat trying to blot out the pain that I am going through with my hands.

    I feel no Muslim Sister will ever marry me but I try to keep strong about it. My only wife I want is a wife of Paradise. I wish I was with Prophet Ayub (AS) as he suffered alot and I would not feel alone as he would be with me worshiping Allah.

    My only dream now is to work hard and to die only for Allah.

    Please Brothers and Sisters of Islam make Du’a for me and for all Muslims suffering from illness’s that they keep strong.

    I take this as a blessing from Allah as Allah tests those whom he truly loves.

    About three year ago I was sinking into severe depression. I was suffering so much and everything was just sinking deeper and deeper. I would stay up every night just worshipping Allah, begging him for mercy and help.
    I really thought that Allah abandoned me and hated me.

    Then one summer was a summer I would never forget. For six weeks in a row I had dreams that words would never be able to describe in 100% detail.

    The dreams are too much to mention. But one of the first
    was when I was standing on a red land, and then two Muslim men with large dark beards approached me. They asked me do I want to see Hell? I said to them yes. They smiled and I then followed them.

    In front of me was like a Hugh head with a wide open mouth. I can still picture this in my mind but I can never really describe it as it was so detailed. We went through its mouth and in it were all types of chambers of black fire. I saw people lying on their bellies on beds of spikes penetrating though their bodies while they were screaming.

    Another chamber I saw people being crushed again and again in fire.

    Another I saw their limbs being pulled off.

    After a few more chambers we left and one of the Muslim’s said to me, “Is your life worse than what you saw?” I said, “By Allah, no.”

    The best dream is of Prophet Muhammad (salla Allaahu ‘alayhi wa salaam). In the dream I was sitting in a dark room crying. Suddenly a gold door appeared in front of me. The door said to me, “Don’t cry and come inside.”

    When I went in, I was in such a beautiful garden. There were all sorts of flowers and different coloured streams of water and honey. I heard laughing and talking further on, so I walked through this garden, and each step I took the garden just got more beautiful and different in colour. I saw a really bright gold table with food I have never seen before on this table. There were sweets and different shapes of fruit on the table. There were also crystal cups with drinks with at least 100 different shades of colour.

    Sitting around the table were all extremely handsome looking Muslims. I saw one Muslim holding a staff in his right hand so I was thinking that could be Musa (‘AlyheeSalaam), and then another Muslim I saw with long wavy hair with pearls falling from his head, so I was thinking that was ‘Isa (‘AlyheeSalaam). There were at least 100 Muslims around this table. At the head of the table a Muslim turned around and faced me. Mashahallah I will never forget his face. His eyes were darker than black pearls and there was a beautiful light shining from his face. As he smiled at me I felt this warmth and this sweet smelling musk go over my body.

    He said Salam to me and called me by my full name. I asked him who he was. He said, “I am the final Messenger of Allah and my name is Muhammad Ibn Abdullallah (salla Allaahu ‘alayhi wa salaam). I want you to sit next to me.”

    A gold chair appeared next to him so I sat there facing him. He took my hand in his hand. It felt so warm and nice. He said something that even made me cry in my sleep. He said, “Dont cry because of the hardships of this life. Cry for the forgiveness of Allah. Don’t cry and feel sad for Allah will never leave you alone to suffer. He is with the believer who calls his name. He smiles to the believer who repents. He loves the believer who runs to him in struggle. And on The Day that is coming, you will see how much love and comfort He gives to those Muslims who suffered for Him.”

    I closed my eyes and then I woke up with tears all down my face.

    • As salamu alaykum, Sister,

      Thank you very much for sharing. Do you know him directly?

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. Reply from Sister EmanLow to all of us.

    Salamu Alaikum,

    After reading the above comments I'm not sure how I should respond. I would however like to thank everyonewho commented. I feel fortunate that you took the time to send me such sincere advice.I will be brutally honest here though...

    Most days I feel Jannah is not worth the suffering we must go through in this life. I consider it a good day when I've made all my prayers on time and when I've not had a bad thought about Allah. There was a time when the Qur'an brought me peace and comfort however now it only brings me confusion.

    I am riddled with new doubtsabout Allah every day. I often wonder if I will in fact die Muslim.I think back to the time when I first converted and I recall the faith and hope I once had. It seems unrealthat the tests that I've been given would cause me to change so drastically. I am not the same person. I donot feel about Islam now as I once did.

    The standard responses I'm given by others such as "only Allah knows", 'Allah is all wise", "Allah lovesyou", "pray, read", etc no longer brings me comfort; in fact it only adds to my frustration. If making me suffer by harming my child with this virus is a form of love from Allah then I don't want hislove. I've been tested by this virus and so many other various things in my life that I have simply reached my limit. I'm tired. I feel physically and mentally exhausted all the time. I don't want anymore tests, Ijust want to be left alone.I try hard to put this virus behind me and live my life but Allah often gives me reminders that I don't need.

    My child has had three breakouts of this virus and each time I see the blisters on his tiny body it sends mereeling. It causes raw emotions to resurface all over again. How will I be able to explain things to mychild? How will he have a normal life? I can’t imagine anyone would accept him for marriage. How will thisaffect his overall health as he ages? This virus could potentially harm his eyesight. Why has he beendeprived of good health and a normal life because of my sins?This has ultimately destroyed my trust in Allah. How can I worship Allah if I no longer trust him?I became Muslim because I wanted to know Allah. I wanted to live a life that was pleasing to him. I repentedf or my previous sins. Islam promised me I'd be forgiven for those sins. This virus is possibly a direct result of my past sins. It should have never entered my new life and harmed my innocent Muslim children. I've lost my friends because of the way I feel. People think of me as bitter, rude and a lost cause.

    I teach my children about Islam but inside I'm furious and profoundly confused about Allah's actions towardspeople.Recently, I read a story of a Muslim father arrested for having abducted and raped possibly sixteen younggirls. Imagine the pain those girls endured. What of their futures? Where was Allah? Why did he not protectthose children? Why were they seemingly punished for their parents obvious lack of responsibility?As always, I'm left with more questions than answers.

    It is difficult to gain a new perspective. I find the inner struggle to accept Allah and his ways the most difficult. I know I don't want to feel the way I currently feel forever. All I know is that at one time I did feel Islam was the answer for everything, nowI'm not so sure. I do not want to disbelieve in Allah and I do not want to be ungrateful for the many blessings I know I still have but it is getting harder and harder each day to live this life and not distrust him. I try to pray to him, make thikr, read Qur'an but my heart still feels the same. I have tried but it never seems to be enough.I don't know what this life will bring for my children and me. I'm divorcing, searching for work and tryingto prepare for a new phase in my life. I want to "trust" that Allah will guide me and help me make the best decisions for us but "trust" it seems is something I have completely lost and I feel I will never be able toattain it again.I realize this post is emotional and I'm repeating myself. I apologize for not being able to express myselfmore clearly but this really is the best I can do at the moment.

    Thank you again.

    • If making me suffer by harming my child with this virus is a form of love from Allah then I don't want hislove. I've been tested by this virus and so many other various things in my life that I have simply reached my limit. I'm tired. I feel physically and mentally exhausted all the time. I don't want anymore tests, Ijust want to be left alone.I try hard to put this virus behind me and live my life but Allah often gives me reminders that I don't need.

      A sister in the article below has explained a different perspective about special need children:

      http://muslimmatters.org/2010/07/21/bittersweet-a-spiritual-perspective-on-special-needs-parenting/

      May be reading this poignant article will heal you a little.

    • Assalamu alaykum,

      Where was Allah when the Muslims got "shaheed" or "martyred" in the cause of Islam?

      Where was Allah when the young children among the Prophet's own family passed away?

      Where was Allah when the companions of the Fire sat by the ditch and put fuel for the believers who said we believe in Allah?

      Where was Allah when Pharoah was killing males and sparing the women?

      Where was Allah when Muslim men and women were killed in wars in thousands in recent times in Iraq, in Afghanistan, in Palestine?

      Where was Allah when the Jews were burnt in gas chambers?

      The answer to all this and more such questions lies in one fact : Allah is ever watchful, ever surrounding the disbelievers and He has prepared a painful punishment for them.

      The end of a tryrant is never prosperity. He shall suffer ignominy in the life of the world and more grevious punishment in the Hereafter.

      Allah is a witness to all things. We all have to die, hence some of us die natural deaths, some die in accidents, some die in blasts, some die in murders, some die in wars, some die in natural calamities. Allah has ordained death for each soul and it happens as it is written in its destiny.

      Why Allah does this is to make us realize - He is the Doer of His Will. There is no other god besides Him and we should seek refuge in Him only. Besides Him we have no Protecting Friend nor Helper. his is the dominion of the heavens and the earth and that we say - La ilaaha illallaah - There is no God but Allah and are self surrendered.

      If Allah were to take away your sight, your hearing your speech, who else could restore it to you?

      Shaytaan is heavy on your mind right now with his whispers and you are finding it hard to counter his whispers. None else incites a person to speak ill and speak without knowledge of Allah except Shaytaan.

      I know the troubles in your life frustrate you, but you need to accept the Divine Will of Allah. You need to surrender, may be you reverted to Islam, but this is the time to Surrender to the will of Allah.

      52. Bethink you: If it is from Allah and ye reject it Who is further astray than one who is at open feud (with Allah)? - Surah Haa Miim Sajdaa.

      If you reject His will, you are at an open feud with Allah and none is astray than you because you are at an open dispute, open feud with Allah.

      There is none besides Allah who can help you. No one. Absolutely no one.

      68. Thy Lord bringeth to pass what He willeth and chooseth. They have never any choice. Glorified be Allah and exalted above all that they associate (with Him)! - Surah Al Qasas

      No choice. He is Allah, He is the doer of His will and He is not unjust to His slaves.

      Verily He has created all things with Truth and if the Truth of His creation were to follow "our desires" we would be in an absolute turmoil and extinction.

      71. And if the Truth had followed their desires, verily the heavens and the earth and whosoever is therein had been corrupted. Nay, We have brought them their Reminder, but from their Reminder they now turn away. - Surah Mu'minoon.

      You should read the Qur'an with the intention of finding answers to life and you have answer for every question in the Book of Allah. Though your eye may not notice it and your mind may not recognize it, but Allah has revealed for His slaves a Light and a Clear Book where is an exposition of all things.

      36. Most of them follow naught but conjecture. Assuredly conjecture can by no means take the place of truth. Lo! Allah is Aware of what they do.
      37. And this Qur’an is not such as could ever be invented in despite of Allah; but it is a confirmation of that which was before it and an exposition of that which is decreed for mankind. Therein is no doubt from the Lord of the Worlds.
      - Surah Yunus

      He is the Merciful, not the Cruel (astagfirullah), but you have to understand that He is the Creator and the Sustainer of all things, He has His ways of running this creation, of preserving it and of moving it forward in its course and we as humans are absolutely uncapable of deciphering the "will" of Allah except if He wills so.

      Allah desires ease for us, not hardship.
      With every hardship goeth ease. Verily ! With every hardship goeth ease. - Surah Inshirah.

      Insha Allah, Allah will vouchsafe you after ease.

      It is good to know that you are looking back are your days of Shahadaa and entry in to Islam. The Qur'an can never confuse a believer, but only those who reject Allah would go astray reading it.

      Your true surrender is yet happen sister, I sympathize with the hard life you are having and it is difficult to be a parent and see your child suffer.

      One of my relative's very young daughter is having a "swollen" body since few days, today doctors said they are not sure if she would survive. And all this happened all of a sudden. Little girl does not even know the faith and good or bad, would her parents at this time seek help of Allah or should they blame Allah or deny His worship and say we don't "trust" you?

      Is your son at such a stage where he is dying? Be thankful to Allah for whatsoever He has given you. Slaves of Allah in the world are suffering and crying unto Him to relieve them of the affliction.

      Pray for that little girl, please, and whosoever reads this post around the world, pray to Allah for her survival and good health.

      Do you ever sit and count Allah's favors upon you?

      20. See ye not how Allah hath made serviceable unto you whatsoever is in the skies and whatsoever is in the earth and hath loaded you with His favours both without and within? Yet of mankind is he who disputeth concerning Allah, without knowledge or guidance or a Scripture giving light. - Surah Luqmaan.

      Just see the sattelite communications, the internet we use, the wireless mobile services, phones, computers, cars, petrol, deisel, gas and fruits and vegetables and air and water and sand and trees and seas, you are loaded with favors from Allah without and within, He has made servicable unto you all that is in the heavens and the earth, will you not than give thanks?

      Sister, you need to "Surrender to Allah", you really do.

      Read these verses of Surah Hujurat and cry, because I am crying and we all should cry because Allah has done a great favor upon us by bringing us to Faith. There in is a great lesson for you and for me and for all of us who call ourselves Muslims.

      14. The wandering Arabs say: We believe. Say (unto them, O Muhammad): Ye believe not, but rather say `We submit,' for the faith hath not yet entered into your hearts. Yet, if ye obey Allah and His messenger, He will not withhold from you aught of (the reward of) your deeds. Lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.
      15. The (true) believers are those only who believe in Allah and His messenger and afterward doubt not, but strive with their wealth and their lives for the cause of Allah. Such are the sincere.
      16. Say (unto them, O Muhammad): Would ye teach Allah your religion, when Allah knoweth all that is in the heavens and all that is in the earth, and Allah is Aware of all things?
      17. They make it favour unto thee (Muhammad) that they have surrendered (unto Him). Say: Deem not your Surrender favour unto me; nay, but Allah doth confer a favour on you, inasmuch as He hath led you to the Faith, if ye are earnest.
      18. Lo! Allah knoweth the Unseen of the heavens and the earth. And Allah is Seer of what ye do.

      Allah says in Surah Al Qalam:

      35. Shall We then treat those who have surrendered as We treat the guilty?
      36. What aileth you? How foolishly ye judge!
      37. Or have ye a Scripture wherein ye learn
      38. That ye shall indeed have all that ye choose?
      39. Or have ye a covenant on oath from Us that reacheth to the Day of Judgment, that yours shall be all that ye ordain?
      40. Ask them (O Muhammad) which of them will vouch for that!
      41. Or have they other gods? Then let them bring their other gods if they are truthful
      42. On the day when it befalleth in earnest, and they are ordered to prostrate themselves but are not able,
      43. With eyes downcast, abasement stupefying them. And they had been summoned to prostrate themselves while they
      were yet unhurt.
      44. Leave Me (to deal) with those who give the lie to this pronouncement. We shall lead them on by steps from whence they know not.
      45. Yet I bear with them, for lo! My scheme is firm.
      46. Or dost thou (Muhammad) ask a fee from them so that they are heavily taxed?
      47. Or is the Unseen theirs that they can write (thereof)?
      48. But wait thou for thy Lord's decree, and be not like him of the fish, who cried out in despair.
      49. Had it not been that favour from his Lord had reached him he surely had been cast into the wilderness while he was reprobate.
      50. But his Lord chose him and placed him among the righteous.
      51. And lo! those who disbelieve would fain disconcert thee with their eyes when they bear the Reminder, and they say: Lo! he is indeed mad;
      52. When it is naught else than a Reminder to creation.

      The Qur'an is a Reminder to the creation of Allah, to man, that indeed we have to meet Him and be held accountable for the "path" we choose.

      If Allah's will is to guide you, He will guide you, Insha Allah.

      If you turn away from Allah, you will harm yourself more than anyone else.

      Salaam,
      Your brother.

      • Thank you Munib for this powerful answer and reminder.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Brother Wael,

          La nuriidu minkum jazaa anwwalaa shukuuraa
          Inna nakhaafu mirrabbinaa yawman abusan qam tariiraa

          We desire no reward nor thanks,
          We fear from our Lord a Day of frowning and of fate.

          Salaam,
          Your brother.

      • As salamu alaykum, brother Munib,

        My Heart and my prayers are with your relatives, their daughter and to everyone around them, Insha´Allah.

        Please let me know when she gets better, Insha´Allah.

        Wasalam,

        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Waleykum Assalaam,

          Jazaakallaah Sister Maria M.

          Insha Allah, I'll let you know.

          Salaam,
          Your brother.

        • Sister Maria M,

          After I sent you my last message, I got the news the girl just passed away.

          Inalillaah wa inna ilayhi rajiuun - We belong to Allah and unto Him we are returning.

          May Allah grant her Jannaah and grant peace of reassurance to the hearts of those related to her.

          @ Sister Emanlow,

          Thank Allah that your kid is alive and with you, be not thankless, see around the world the "tougher" tests people are going through.

          You were talking about who would marry your kid, I ask if someone is not alive then what marriage and what futher thinking?

          Salaam,
          Your brother.

          • As salamu alaykum, brother Munib,

            Inalillaah wa inna ilayhi rajiuun. Ameen to your prayers, my prayers and my Heart are today with all of you that suffer her loss. May Allah(swt) ease the pain and the emptyness of the ones related to her. Ameen.

            Wasalam,
            Your sister in Islam,
            María M

  9. Asalaam Alaykum,

    I would like to say I am sorry for your predicament. I pray that Allah makes it easy for you and your children. I also want to say that we should never lose hope in Allah. Allah always tests us for a reason. I read this hadith recently and it reminded me of your situation. I think someone has already mentioned it.

    Sa'ad bin Abi Waqqas reported that he asked the Messenger of Allah (SAW): "Which of the people are tested most severely?" Rasulullah (SAW) replied: "The Prophets, then the righteous, then those who are most like them, then those who are most like them from the people. A man is tested according to his religious commitment. So, if his religious practice is sound, then his testing is increased, and if his religious practice is weak, then his testing is reduced. A servant continues to be tested until he walks the Earth without a single sin on him." (Ahmad, Tirmidhi)

    Think about what our beloved prophets (peace be upon them all) went through. They went through worse things in their lives. They have one of the hardest task and that is to lead people to the Oneness of God. They endured so many things, but never gave up hope. Naturally it is hard for me to understand what you are going through and it is easy for someone to talk, but everyone goes through things in their own way.

    Yes, Allah tests every soul according to how much he or she can bear. Maybe you think you cannot bear it, but I am sure Allah thinks you can. Otherwise He would not be testing you with it. Sometimes I think I cannot bear certain situations in my life, but I remain patient, because I know Allah is watching over me. That is one of the biggest tests that we have to overcome - how faithful can we remain towards Allah in our times of need? Is it fair for Allah to guide us and give us peace and tranquility, yet when something goes wrong in our lives, we feel as if we have no more faith in Him? Isn't that like turning our back against Him? Anyone can say they believe and be guided, but in situations where we are tested, that is when we can truly see who is a believer or not.

    There could also have been situations in our lives where we sinned intentionally or unintentionally and our hardships are helping us to get rid of those sins. It is better to face your punishment in this life than in the hereafter, where it will be much worse. Maybe Allah is protecting you in this life so you can be happy in the hereafter. Try to look at it that way! I also want to share two clips with you. Listen to them carefully. They may help you as well:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTKpIhSbp9U&feature=player_embedded

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4BJEZZhi80

    In one of the clips you will hear what a fellow brother went through on a daily basis, yet regardless he never gave up hope and Alhamdulillah, look at how Allah has responded to him since he remained faithful regardless of his pain. Do we think that Allah will respond to us if we complain about our situations? We should endure each incident with patience as hard as it may be. In every hardship is a blessing. Sometimes we think something is bad for us, but in reality it could be good for us. Allah knows best. All I can suggest is to keep making du'a and pray constantly. Read the Qur'an non-stop. Incorporate daily dua's into our life. Start every job with Bismillah. Make Allah your priority. We can talk to people, but in the end those people go back to their own lives and problems. Talk to Allah instead. Ask him to give you the strength to remain patient.

    Allah created us simply so we can worship Him. Imagine none of us sinned, or none of us had problems. How perfect we would be! What would be the point of Allah then? If none of us faced any problems, what is the need for Allah? Allah knows this. That is why He made us imperfect, because He knows our sins will lead us to him. He gave us a choice. Do not let Shaytan mislead you. That is Shaytan's doing. He wants us to give up on Allah in those situations, because we are at our weakest during those times and he uses that opportunity to put negativity into our heads. Fight against him. He is not stronger than Allah. Only Allah is the Strongest and Most Merciful Being in this world. If you decide to rely on Allah without fear, without any assumptions, Allah will lead you and no one and nothing can stand in your way, not even this disease. In the end, it will seem as if it's not even there. I wish you all the best and please do not give up hope.

    Read this site on Du'a as well:

    http://www.jannah.org/articles/duah.html

    Read this as well:

    Why are Duas not answered?

    Ibrahim ibn Adham - may Allah have mercy on him - a third century scholar, a teacher and a companion of Sufyan ath-Thawri, was asked about the saying of Allah - the Most High:

    "We supplicate and we are not answered."
    So he said to them:

    You know Allah, Yet you do not obey Him,

    You recite the Qur'an, Yet do not act according to it,

    You know Shaitan, Yet you have agreed with him,

    You proclaim that you love Muhammad (pbuh), Yet you abandon his Sunnah,

    You proclaim your love for Paradise, Yet you do not act to gain it,

    You proclaim your fear the Fire, Yet you do not prevent yourselves from sins,

    You say "Indeed death is true", Yet you have not prepared for it,

    You point out the faults with others, Yet you do not look at your faults,

    You eat of that which Allah has provided for you, Yet you do not thank Him,

    You bury your dead, Yet you do not take a lesson from it."

    40.60 And your Lord says, "Call upon Me; I will respond to you." Indeed, those who disdain My worship will enter Hell [rendered] contemptible.

    29.45 Recite, [O Muhammad], what has been revealed to you of the Book and establish prayer. Indeed, prayer prohibits immorality and wrongdoing, and the remembrance of Allah is greater. And Allah knows that which you do.

    May Allah be with you!

  10. Dear sister Emanlow,

    In life, Allah SWT gives us what we need. He does not give us what we want, nor what we deserve (in this life). That sounds harsh and hopeless, but it should give you strength. I know what it feels like to pray your guts out like you life depends on it, and you get the opposite of what you prayed for. But there is a rainbow in your life and that is your children. They should be a source of joy for you, and their future is in your hands. Isn't that a blessing in and of itself? Yes, it is unfortunate that one or more may have this disease, but so long as they remain asymptomatic, there is hope. Really, you converted to Islam, and God gave you two beautiful children. Many muslim women these days never get the chance to get married and have kids, and we are left alone.

    My mother says that we can't force Allah to do our bidding. She is right. I try to remember that whenever I have feelings of resentment surface, and often those feelings do surface....the feeling that you have left your entire fate in God's hands, and prayed and prayed for years for a positive outcome, but in the end your worst outcome comes true. When she reminds me of that, I try to clear my head and keep praying. I pray that God forgives me for being resentful and impatient. I also keep remembering that God gives us what we need in this life, and not what we want, desire or deserve.

    I know this doesn't help, but people often tell me that there may be a good outcome waiting for me in Heaven. That may be true, and it means that my prayers aren't going to waste. The same may be true for you. But in the meantime, you can achieve so much by focusing on your role as a mother - truly, that should bring much joy in your life. There are so many miracles embedded in the life of a child...ponder over that and then ask yourself if God has blessed you.

    • Mashallah, what a beautiful reply.

      I know this doesn't help, but people often tell me that there may be a good outcome waiting for me in Heaven. That may be true, and it means that my prayers aren't going to waste. The same may be true for you.

      If you make dua, Allah answers it, given that we eat halal, earn halal, ask sincerely, and are not impatient. Sometimes He answers it in this world, sometimes He does it in the hereafter. But have no doubt, Allah will answer it.

      One of the beautiful names of Allah is Ash-Shakur, which means the Most Grateful and the Most Appreciative. No matter how small our effort is, be it a brief dua, or two rakahs of nawfil prayer, or removing something harmful from the street, as long as we are sincere, Allah shall definitely reciprocate us zillion fold. Because Allah is Ash-Shakur, the Most Grateful and the Most Appreciative. Subhanallah. In Surah Taghabun, Allah said:

      If you loan Allah a goodly loan, He will multiply it for you and forgive you. And Allah is Most Appreciative and Forbearing.[The Noble Quran 64:17]

      In fact, when His slave ask something from Him, Allah feels shy to drive that slave out without giving him or her anything. Subhanallah. Allah feels haya (shy) to return us in empty hand. How can we then ever think that Allah will not respond to our dua? Just we believe in His attribute of Ash-Shakur, we also believe in His attribute of Al-Aleem, the Most Wise. Since His knowledge is absolute and perfect, Allah knows when responding to our dua will be better for us. If it deems that answering our dua in the hereafter will be more beneficial for us according to His knowledge, He will answer our dua in the Hereafter.

      I need to make the point clear regarding being impatient in making dua. Narrated Abu Huraira (Radi Allah Anhu): Allah's Apostle (sal-allahu-alleihi-wasallam) as saying:

      The supplication of the servant is granted in case he does not supplicate for sin or for severing the ties of blood, or he does not become impatient. It was said: Allah's Messenger, what does:" If he does not grow impatient" imply? He said: That he should say like this: I supplicated and I supplicated but I did not find it being responded. and theu he becomes frustrated and abandons supplication. [Sahih Muslim : Book 35, Number 6595]

      Now suppose I need something immediately, urgently. If I invoke Allah and ask Him to give me that thing to me right now, I will not be impatient. Because Allah can give me that thing now. He is capable of giving that thing to me now. My helplessness before Him, my restlessness before Him, my immediate need before Him do not imply that I am being impatient in my dua. However, if I make dua and do not get the result I asked for, and then say to people out of frustration that I asked Allah and He did not answer, I will fall into the category of impatient people.

      • “The planning of The Almighty (Allaah) is better for you than your own planning, and He could deprive you from what you ask to test your patience. So let Him see from you a determined patience and you will soon see from Him what will give you joy. And when you have cleaned the paths of answering (of supplication) from the stains of sin [i.e have repented] and were patient about what He has chosen for you, then everything that happens to you is better for you whether you were given or deprived of what you have requested.”

        [Imaam ibn Al-Jawzee]

  11. SubhanaAllaah, sister when i read your post and the comments the others wrote, i could feel tears in my eyes. honestly, there is nothing like Islam, i can literary feel the love and care and desperation these people have for you in their comments and it`s so real and where else in the world can you find this?
    sister, i admire you, i admire your strength, your courage, your will power and your suffering. YES, i admire you`re suffering because let me just quote the Hadeeth of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
    when he was asked which people suffer the most. He said, “The Prophets, then righteous people, then the next best and the next best. A man will suffer according to his level of faith. If his faith is solid, he will suffer more, but if his faith is shaky, he will suffer less. The believer will keep on suffering until he walks on the earth with no sin.” (reported by al-Tirmidhi and others).
    sister you are going through a lot, but it is your test! sister you dont start thinking evil about Islam because Allaah has put you to trial, a trial to see how strong your Eman is, a trial which you knew would come, because as muslims we know we are going to be put to test as Allaah the Most High says, "And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient,Who, when disaster strikes them, say, "Indeed we belong to Allah , and indeed to Him we will return." Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the [rightly] guided. Sister so you see you are going through a huge trial so you should see it as a sign of your high Eman.

    yes , its hard, but Allaah says:
    "Or did you imagine that you were going to enter the Garden without Allah knowing those among you who had struggled and knowing the steadfast?" (Surah Al 'Imran, 142).
    come on sister, these are emotional verses and you are strong! do not let shaytan try to make you let go of the most precious thing in the world, the most amazing thing you have, and that is Islam. By Allaah, Islam is beautiful, its amazing , its the truth, sister and you know it!!
    think to yourself, why did you revert in the first place! its because you knew Islam is the truth!!! sister please do not let it go! i beg you.
    yes it will be extremely hard to tell your son about the disease, but by Allaah, it will be harder to die when you are not a believer, Allaah knows it`s hard, yet He put you through it. He knows why , sister do you not believe that Allaah is the Most Wise!! By Allaah, we read Allaah`s names and the Qur`an but when do we implement them? now is the time to show Allaah that you are strong, you can do it, sister how can you even question Allaah! please don't do it because you wont understand!!
    i love you sooooooooo much for the sake of Allaah, and its funny because i dont know you and i dont even know which country you age in, your race age, yet i love you!!!
    let me Finnish with a little story
    " there was a little boy with long dark eyelashes and eyes which showed his innocence, when his mum was pregnant, his father died, she was a grief stricken widow, whilst yet a bride. when he was born his mother too died, as he sat watching her suffer from her illness, he was only 8 years old,why didi he deserve this? later on his uncle and gradnfather were to die, followed by his wife and 5 of his children" i think you get the point of the story, please keep in touch
    take care salam

  12. Assalamu alaykum Sister,

    May Allah have mercy on you and give you good health.

    My first advice to you is: What you threw on the wall, is what is you need back in your life now. The Qur'an.

    You need to read it now with more concentration and understanding and pondering upon it's verses.

    Sister, you are going through a difficult test, Allah alone put you through this test, but it is also a consequence of past actions as well.

    Allah says in Surah Sajdaah : Verily, We make them taste the lower punishment, before the greater punishment, that haply they may return.

    Allah's wants so, always that we turn to Him for all our affairs in life. For asking help, for repentance, for thanking, for praising and for seeking refuge we turn to Him only.

    Your behavior is right now getting the opposite to Allah's will: Instead of taking this lower punishment to return towards Him in more du'as, more salat, more feeding of poor, more zakah, more charity, Shaytaan is diverting your mind and making you go towards the "greater Punishment" of aakhirah by ignoring salaat and your turning to Allah.

    You need to know that Adam and Eve had to go forth from the Garden, we are their children, they were our first parents, why did we have to live on earth and not the Garden because of what our parents did? When no laden one can bear the burden of another, why the children of Adam have had to "live on earth and face the test" and then only get entry to the Garden or to the Fire. Why?

    Because Allah's will is so. He intends and He wills and none can stop Him. His knowledge, His wisdom is before us and after us, we know nothing except what He allows us to know. It is Allah's will that we "toil" as he says in Surah Al Balad, " Laqad khalaqnal insaana fee qabad - Verily ! We created man in an atmospehere (of toil and hard work)." Adam and Eve were "informed" not to obey Shaytaan. They did follow their desires away from the Truth Allah told them and thus had to leave the Garden.

    This is the biggest example in human history, that whosoever "follows his desires away from the Truth which Allah has revealed " , surely, he shall go astray.

    You have No choice. You have to turn to Allah, you are a Muslim and if you turn away, you become an ingrate, a thankless slave, a kaafir. And Allah is altogether independent of His slaves.

    Allah can bring the dead to life, He produces and then reproduces among His creation what He wills and to Him is the return of all.

    Sister, utilize this oppurtunity to turn to Allah before the greater Punishment. A Muslim, one who Surrenders to the will of Allah, his foremost quality is : We hear and we obey. Sami'na wa ataa'naa.

    It does not befit a Muslim to question, O Allah why this with me? Why you did not give me this? Why you did not give me what you gave him?

    Allah has His divine Wisdom, Knowledge and will by which He does what He does and a human being is not even capable of a full understanding of the situation of his own life forget about more than 6 billion other humans and billions of creatures and stars and planets and the vast universe and what is beyond it.

    Such is Allah, the Mighty Creator, who does what He wills.

    Also Allah says in the Qur'an : Seek help in patience and prayer. Prayer needs to be combined with patience.

    So call upon your Lord, morning and evening and sitting and reclining and in the day and in the night and ask Him for help, do not be disheartened, there is none more keen in Seeing and Hearing than Allah Ta'alaa.

    He hears when you call upon Him, He remembers when you remember Him, He sees you but you do not see Him and this is the most important part of Imaan - Belief in Allah the Unseen.

    Once you feel : Allah does not listen to me. You indirectly reject the power and ability of Allah to help you. You give up trust in Him that He is able to remove the diseases from your body even without any medication, Allah is able to do all things, but you hardly trust He can do anything for you.

    How would you feel if your own children did not speak to you, but went around in other families speaking about their pains to others, asking them to help them and not keeping any trust in you, that you, the one who gave them birth could help them?

    How would you feel? Would you not say: O my children, they do not trust their own mother?

    This is a mere example of humans, we cannot coin similitudes for Allah. He is Glorified above any ascriptions. But for your understanding, I want give you an idea that the One to turn for Help is the One who created you from a drop. If He can make a human with long hair, eyes, nose, eyes, mouth, hands, feet and a living, walking body able to reproduce similar human beings, is He not able to help you and cure your disease?

    Sister, measure Allah's might with the rightful measure, He is the Sublime, the Tremendous, the Able, the Mighty, The Compellor and the Fashioner of forms and the Creator out of Nothing.

    He made all things when there was nothing, is it Him that you doubt?

    Repent sister, for Allah verily is able to Help you. Cry to your Lord, seek forgiveness and it may be that He would turn to you in Mercy as He is the All Embracing and it may be that He would forgive you abd would guide you to His Path and would cure you and your kids of the STD. Verily Allah is able to do all things.

    There is no shortage of people who do not trust Allah, but trust their knowledge and actions. But the "obedient" slaves of the Beneficient are not as much in numbers.

    In which group do you want to be? Those who trust Allah? Or those who trust themselves and their little knowledge instead of Allah?

    Who is better, one who turns to Allah alone? Or one who goes from places to places in search of finding solution but wanders blindly because Allah does not show him a way? Who is better?

    On the day of Qiyamat, all those who were asked helped, were called upon instead of Allah for help, will dissociate themselves from those who called them for help instead of calling upon Allah.

    You cannot live without Allah, not even take the next breathe. He has had immense mercy upon you by bringing you to Islam sister, be thankful to Allah.

    And more importantly, for a Muslim : the Aakhirah is khayruun wa abaqaa: Better and more lasting and not this dunya, the life of the world, the fleeting life, the passing comfort of illusion. The reality is Qiyamah, Al Haaqqaa, the reality is the Day of Reckoning and the reality is heaven and hell. And the reality is we will be given our Record of deeds and the reality is that some will go to Jannah and some will go to Jahannam. And the reality is, indeed the true victory is entry in to Jannah.

    Call upon Allah for help, and Insha Allah He will make it enjoyable for you to live in dunya and aakhirah. If you stop imploring His help and going by your desires, you will go astray wandering blindly on your own contumacy, except if Allah wills. This is the rule of Allah ever taking course upon His bondmen.

    Insha Allah, there is message for your life which I found in the below verses, a message to be "seen" with your heart keeping your life situations.

    46. Whoso doeth right it is for his soul, and whoso doeth wrong it is against it. And thy Lord is not at all a tyrant to His slaves.
    47. Unto Him is referred (all) knowledge of the Hour. And no fruits burst forth from their sheaths, and no female carrieth or bringeth forth but with His knowledge. And on the day when He calleth unto them: Where are now My partners? they will say: We confess unto Thee, not one of us is a witness (for them).
    48. And those to whom they used to cry of old have failed them, and they perceive they have no place of refuge.
    49. Man tireth not of praying for good, and if all toucheth him, then he is disheartened, desperate.
    50. And verily, if We cause him to taste mercy after some hurt that hath touched him, he will say: This is my own; and I deem not that the Hour will ever rise, and if I am brought back to my Lord, I surely shall be better off with Him But We verily shall tell those who disbelieve (all) that they did, and We verily shall make them taste hard punishment
    51. When We show favour unto man, he withdraweth and turneth aside, but when ill toucheth him then he aboundeth in prayer.
    52. Bethink you: If it is from Allah and ye reject it Who is further astray than one who is at open feud (with Allah)?
    53. We shall show them Our portents on the horizons and within themselves until it will be manifest unto them that it is the Truth. Doth not thy Lord suffice, since He is Witness over all things?
    54. How! Are they still in doubt about the meeting with their Lord? Lo! Is not He surrounding all things? - Surah Haa Miim Sajdaa.

    May Allah help you turn towards Him and guide you life long and cure your disease and that of your kids and give you a happy life.

    Read the Qur'an with meanings and call upon Him for help, Insha Allah.

    Salaam,
    Your brother.

  13. Dear sister

    Ponder on this:

    O ye who believe! seek help with patient perseverance and prayer; for Allah is with those who patiently persevere. (Al-Baqara:154)

    That is what God has asked of us. Nothing else. One moment of patience in times of extreme difficulty could forever remove our troubles, because ultimately we know deep in our hearts that none of that which happens to is in this world is going to last.
    I cannot imagine your pain right now, or the fear you are feeling, but at the same time you cannot imagine your state with God, who is putting you in this situation. I believe in my heart of hearts that God only tests those He loves, I know He loves you. Why don’t you try and give up all your cares to Him. Say, ‘Here you are God, I’m at your mercy, do as you please. You know my good, you know my bad. Deal with me with mercy. Take care of me.’
    Your iman has taken a huge battering, even to the extent that you may want to leave Islam but again sister that’s the devil at work.
    Sister open up your heart to the light of Allah, don’t let your pain and misery consume all the good things you have, your children, your youth, your intelligence. You cannot plan your life, you have no idea, and maybe the next phase could bring you so much joy.
    Don’t give up sister, I know my words may seem inadequate right now but I believe in my heart of hearts that you are a very steadfast person, try thinking outside the frame of mind you’re currently in. Do not give in to these evil thoughts of ‘why is God doing this, why why why?’ It will destroy you.

    Sister I want you to listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEkofNMB3Rw

    Try it, when I was at my lowest point in life, it bought me back to life. Please empty your heart and mind of everything, your past, present, future and listen to these wise words, let them calm you, let them wipe away your tears and give you courage.

    You will forever be in my prayers. Take care.

  14. Salaam Eman Low,

    I am sorry for this grief that you are experiencing. You have lost many things at the same time, and now you are losing your faith and you are feeling grief and bitterness which is hardening you and making you feel resentful of your life - you have lost that sense of purpose and gratitude, and you have lost this because you have suffered a great deal, and I am sad that you are going through this suffering.

    All that I am about to say is my opinion and you can take from it what you will. Although you cannot yet see it this way - the underlying issue and cause of all of your emotional pain and agony - is your perspective. There is what I call "the big picture mentality" and the "small picture mentality".

    The small picture mentality is looking at the details and bewailing them. So you may look at a detail such as the fact that you have this virus and you begrudge that detail. You hate it, it upsets you a great deal and you cannot forgive it. There are many such details in your post - where you are looking at these details, these small parts and you are filled with anger and resentment that they have happened, that they are happening and that you have to experience them. These details are causing an emptyness in you - and that emptiness becomes yet another detail which causes even more anger in this viscious cycle of bitterness.

    Then there is the big picture mentality - which is looking at the whole thing as one. In the big picture mentality you calculate everything and look at the outcome and ignore the details. Yes, in detail you are divorced - but in the bigger picture, you always wanted that. Yes, in detail your son has this virus - but in the bigger picture it is not life threatening, and he will not die from it. Yes, in detail you may feel that all that has happened is a curse, but in the bigger picture - you are able, intelligent, have a child and the possiblity to create your future.

    Another issue that I can see is what I call "self destructive narrative" which is when the words we are using, programme our emotions and the way we feel about things. For example, when a person dies - many people say "we lost him" or "he was taken away from us". Their use of the word "lost" or "taken away" gives all manner of emotions regarding the experience, a different kind of sadness. Other people say "he passed away", or "he fell asleep" - and their use of these words brings a sense of peace, and completion and allows the psychology to be more accepting of the event and let it go. In your post, the language you are using are cultivating your sense of helplessness and bitterness - "unjust", "unfair", "burden" - you words are victimising you and making you feel that something awful is happening to you for no reason. It does not have to be this way, because in spite of everything that has happened there is still so much to be grateful for - although at the moment, your bitterness is blinding you to it all so that you cannot see it.

    You are also making conclusions which are limiting your ability to move through a process - and thinking yourself into dead ends - "this is unjust" - (conclusion), "this is too much" (conclusion) - you are not allowing yourself to see what is happening to you as a process. Life is a process, and a process has a beginning, a middle and an end. Your feelings and cirumstances are processes too. What many of us tend to do is that we make a conclusion in the middle of a process - we make conclusions about Allah, about life, about the state of the world - and then that conclusions prohibits learning, movement and change - because although we have made these conclusions, our lives and the lives of those around us continue to be a process, and continue to change. You have not yet reached the end of anything - your life, your children's lives - this is not the end of it. You have concluded that you cannot get married -says who? You have concluded that Allah is unjust - says who? You are making these conclusions at the depth of your sadness, and that is not the best time to conclusde the meanings and purposes of life. You have stopped yourself from being able to move (emotionally and mentally) and you have locked yourself into this conclusion and this conclusion is a symbol of your pain, and not an accurate measure of reality.

    You are grieving, and it is OK to grieve and feel anger, and sadness . What is not OK for you is to bind yourself forever to that state of being and live the rest of your life in that state of being. You must let go of these conclusions and open yourself up to the process. Look at the bigger picture, find the things you are grateful for and stop telling yourself it's all over and this is it now, this is life - there is no mercy, and there is no justice. These words and thoughts will drive you deeper into depression and you will grow old and bitter with no love or happiness in your life. Much better to remind yourself of what you can be grateful for and use language that opens doors for you rather than closes them. Do not be an enemy to yourself by thinking in this way, and do not imprison yourself like this. When one door closes, another opens - but you have to be able to have the vision to see that, and believe in it.

    Like everything in life, your grief will pass if you let it pass, and your future will open up for you if you accept that this is possible. Your son will grow up and have a normal life if you believe that he can, and you will find love if you accept in your heart that love for you is possible. The world of possiblity is endless - but to access the possibilities in life you must let go of the conclusions that you make. Your conclusions are closed doors, and your possiblities are open ones.

    ***
    As a final note, I would like for you to know that very recently a charity that we work with has been researching mone marrow transplant to save people from leukemia. Their research led them to discover stem cells, which can be harvested from donors via blood transfusion - no surgery. A month ago, they treated a child who had HIV by performing this stem-cell related blood transfusion for bone cancer. The child (who has HIV) - recovered from the surgery: without HIV. This charity is now running further research into this area to see how and why this happened, and whether or not they have discovered a cure for the uncurable disease.

    So you see my sister - anything and everything is possible if you follow the path that believes in that possiblity. Although this child was dying of two terminal illnesses - his parents did everything they could to extend his life. MashaAllah, his life was saved even though they did not know that this would happen.

    I pray that something in you has softened. Accept what is, cry - let it go. Forgive yourself and forgive Allah, because Allah has protected you from much, though right now you cannot see it. Believe in the future, and believe in possiblity. I pray that you can do it, because letting go is a very difficult thing to do - although it will be the most emotionally and psychologically liberating experience of your life.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

  15. As salamu alaykum, my beloved sister EmanLow,

    My beloved girl if I had you close to me, I would hold your head close to my shoulder, I will kiss your head and I would cry with you as long as we need to in complete silence.

    You are intelligent, responsible, respectful, honest, ....you have been trying to teach your husband to learn to live with std, now it is your turn to accept and learn to live with it. Your husband and your ex-husband are who they are, Alhamdulillah, not everybody is the same, you have gone already through the shame, get out of that box, you are honest and the man that will get close to you will appreciate your honesty and will love you for who you are.

    Here, there have been two cases where the women carried the sickness without knowing it, and in both cases, the husbands were compassionates towards them, and one of the couples have two children as you have, the attitude of this last man opened my eyes, he was confident on Allah(swt) Will and he said once and again to the woman, don´t worry and don´t worry because our children are healthy, it was something very deep in his words, a certainty that I believe cause in Allah(swt) the shyness I have heard off He has, when someone makes dua with all his Heart and with the certainty that He is listening, how is he going to dissapoint someone that believes eyes blinded on Him(swt).

    Stronger is your inmunitary system, stronger you will feel, stronger you will face life, stronger will be your children, ....learn about food that will improve your health and avoid all the food that decrease the function of your inmunitary system (sugar, coffee, black tea, chocolate, industrial products(cookies, candies,icecreams) everything that comes on tins or needs colourants, preservatives, artificial whatever)) don´t go to extremmes but try to prepare desserts and icecreams using natural fruit, if you can buy your own grain and prepare the flour to make your own bread, cookies, instead of yoghourts with colorants buy plain yoghurt with honey or homemade marmalades, I know I am giving you a lot of work, but you are curious and ready to learn, this can make a difference in your life and your children´s life and you need a way out for all the energy you have, you can learn and when you are an expert, you can share with other women with the same problems you have that don´t have the knowledge or the courage to move on, that mark you made on the wall tells me you have a lot of strength and energy, then this is "eaten bread" for you, you have already a direction to focus your energy.

    Food is the primary force you will direct, it will change the quality of your blood and the quality of your thoughts. Go to the library and search for information, just one tip, what you do is right but always can be improved, I hope you get this thought, don´t ever give up your roots, because your strength lies on your own and unique roots, we can take others best ideas, adapt them to us, see if they are good to us and if they improve us, assimilate them in our routine, but never put your ideas on a side, yours have taken you where you are, then good enough, be rational when trying a new step, always check if it is good for you.

    Exercise to mantain a healthy inmunitary system, we have to exercise everyday, would be good for you to walk 40 minutes, that would be great, when the children are in the school you can look for taichi, chikung or yoga classes, here you will learn to breath while exercising, flexibility, to slow down, to measure out your energies, ....For your children, too, sports, sports and sports. martial arts, swimming, they need to be happy, to compite, to win and to lose, to breath freely, to jump, to run, to play in general and to learn to enjoy being alive despite the circumstances and the problems they have at home.

    Now here we are, you see when your son got annoyed and throw the toys to the floor and cried and he kicked the floor and shouted and was red of anger because you didn´t give him what he wanted, and you were watching him with your eyes wide open watching the exhuberance of his energy being so little, and you waited until the rage episode pass and then you loved him as nothing have happened, and you remember one day when he fall on the floor and hurt himself and was crying desperately and you took him in your arms comforting and kissing with with all your Heart, and you remember the day he said mum, and those were the most beautiful words you have ever heard, or when he looks at you with those big eyes and a big smile and you just want to hold him eternally. Sister, the love we feel for our children will multiply for many times when it is referred to the Love Our Lord feels for us, He watches you, your rage, your pain, your suffering, your sadness, your tears, He is always with us, but He waits patiencely until we move towards Him(swt). You need your time and He(swt) knowst it, He is not in a hurry, all the steps to come back to Him are counted, no sooner, no later, when you feel it is the moment it will be, Alhamdulillah.

    I read somewhere that whatever good that comes to us is from Allah(swt) and the bad that comes to us is from us, you know, I believe it, more I live, more convinced I am from this.

    There is a concept I would like to transmit you, I hope I can, have you met ever in your lifetime someone that captured your eye, someone not beautiful or maybe not well dressed, not specially physically or materially attractive, but that has something that was like a magnet with iron. In spanish, the translation of magnet is imán, when our Iman is low the shadows have a party with our energy, lower the iman more and more shadows around, then that is not what we want to magnetize, we want to put distance between the darkness and us, there is a beautiful dua, I am going to share with you that is about this:

    The Prophet ﷺ taught us some beautiful words, in one of the opening du`a’:
    اللهم باعد بيني وبين خطاياي كما باعدت بين المشرق والمغرب اللهم نقني من خطاياي كما ينقى الثوب الأبيض من الدنس اللهم اغسلني من خطاياي بالثلج والماء والب
    Allahumma baa’id bayni wa bayna khataayaaya kama baa’adta bayna al-mashriqi wa’l-maghrib. Allahumma naqqini min khataayaaya kama yunaqqa al-thawb al-abyad min al-danas. Allaahumma ighsilni min khataayaaya bi’l-thalji wa’l-maa’i wa’l-barad.
    “O Allah, put a great distance between me and my sins, as great as the distance You have made between the East and the West. O Allah, cleanse me of sin as a white garment is cleansed from filth. O Allah, wash away my sins with snow and water and hail.” (Bukhari)
    In the first part, we are asking Allah (swt) to keep us far from the sins we have not committed yet. In the second part, we are asking Allah (swt) to cleanse us of those sins we did commit. And the third is greater, because we are asking Allah (swt) to purify us. The choice of the words “snow and water and hail” signifies being washed of our sins. The snow and the hail have a cooling effect, like the forgiveness from Allah of our sins.

    And this is something I would like to share with you too:

    High status can only be attained through suffering, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him said, when he was asked which people suffer the most. He said, “The Prophets, then righteous people, then the next best and the next best. A man will suffer according to his level of faith. If his faith is solid, he will suffer more, but if his faith is shaky, he will suffer less. The believer will keep on suffering until he walks on the earth with no sin.” (reported by al-Tirmidhi and others).

    If you need me or need that I go deeper, just let me know. I hope you understand the essence of the message I wanted to transmit to you, insha´Allah.

    I have you and your children in my Heart.

    From Heart to Heart, all my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Maria. Thanks for your compassion toward that person. I would love to have your compassion and more. It's much needed in this world.

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