Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I tell my husband that I cheated on him with my ex?

Assalam aleykum.

I'm in such a big mess right now and I don't know what to do.

4 years ago I got into a thing with a Muslim boy named Ammar. At that time I was a Christian, and in the beginning I flirted, danced and kissed a couple of boys during the first weeks we were together.

I stopped when our relationship eventually got serious and after a year together it became very strong and we had sex. At that time I didn’t understand that it was wrong, we intended to marry. I struggled much with my conscience, and eventually I told Ammar about the other boys. After some months we broke up; he couldn’t accept the cheating.

The next year was absolutely horrible for me because I still loved him so much, but Alhamdullilah, this year I also found Islam. Ammar had told me much about this wonderful religion, and I converted, started praying five times a day and wearing the hijab. The really stupid thing was that when I found out that he had got another girlfriend, I got so hurt that I also wanted to move on. One of his “friends” started flirting with me and told me many lies and manipulated me, and eventually I got into a secret relationship with him. We were talking about marrying, but deep down I didn’t really love him.

Suddenly my ex Ammar says that he wants me back, he wants to forgive, forget and marry me. I realized that he hadn’t managed to love his new girlfriend the way I hadn’t managed to love my new boyfriend, and I left my current boyfriend. I thought we were getting a fresh start, but when he found out about my relationship with his friend he left me again.

Once again I was heartbroken, and I decided to keep away from boys until I was ready. I finally started to understand what Islam was really about, and that adultery is not accepted in this blessed religion.

A year ago I met a wonderful Muslim convert. We wanted to keep our relationship halal so we married in the Islamic way quite early. The problem is that we agreed to marry for a while in order to get to know each other, and split up if we didn’t fit together. This made the whole marriage a little less serious to me.

Suddenly Ammar comes back into my life, we start chatting online, and one day we meet and start kissing. I knew it was wrong, but it felt so good to have him back, and I realized I still loved him. However, he couldn’t get back together with me because he couldn’t forgive me for being with his friend.

I told my husband about it right away, and begged for his forgiveness. After a while he forgave me, but he refused to kiss me or get intimate with me (we have never had sex by the way). At that time I was so emotionally confused and stupid, and I needed my husband to hold on to me, not pushing me away. I ended up meeting my ex several times, and we kissed and so on, but Alhamdullilah at least we didn´t have sex.

I have finally understood how wrong it all was, and I have stopped cheating. I repent to Allah all the time, pray du´a and ask for forgiveness, but I don’t know if is enough, if my husband has to forgive me as well in order for Allah to forgive me. I would never cheat on him again, but should I tell him about it anyways? It will ruin his self-esteem forever.

I also don’t know if I should stick with him or not. Is it fair to any of us that I am together with him while I also love another boy? It sounds stupid, but I really love them both. And if I had the chance to choose between them, I think it would be Ammar. He was the one who presented me to Islam, but my husband keeps Islam in my heart. But it feels unfair to be with him when I have done something so horrible to him, and he will know about it on the Last Day anyways, wont he? But still, I know we could have made such a good life togehter..

So should I tell him about the cheating or not? And should I stick with him or not?

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15 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    There are a lot of details to your story, but the bottom line is very simple: you are married, and your first duty is to your husband. If you have already told your husband, you should do whatever you can to earn his forgiveness. Ask him what you can do to make it right, and as long as he is not asking you to do something sinful agree to whatever he asks. You need to prove to him that you can be trustworthy again, and in order to build that trust he needs to set the standard and you need to meet it.

    If you haven't yet told your husband, you are not obligated to. If you truly repent and resolve to keep yourself away from all other guys in any way, shape and form, it may be that Allah will cover this sin for you both now and on the day of judgement. If you tell him, it could end the marriage.

    Right now, you don't have a choice between your husband and some other guy. Your only choice is your husband. You have to cut all ties with Ammar, period. That's a closed door to you, regardless of your feelings or your past together. This is the right thing to do. If you want to divorce your husband, it should be for reasons other than just wanting to be with someone else. That shouldn't be part of the equation at all. Allah hates divorce, so it's something that's only recommended as a last resort. It doesn't sound like anything horrible is going on in your marriage, so from my view there is nothing at this time that would justify you seeking a divorce.

    Personally, I think you and your husband have a lot to learn about what marriage really means. I'm sorry to have to say this, but neither of you entered marriage with the right intention. Marriage is not something you "try on" and discard if it doesn't suit you. Marriage is one of the highest of commitments, and it doesn't appear that you (and possibly your husband) are taking that seriously. I'm not saying that so much because of the mistakes you've made, but because you and your husband haven't even consummated the union yet. Unless there's some medical or psychological trauma that's keeping you from doing that, you should move toward uniting yourself physically as you have in every other way. I can't help but wonder if part of the reason you've been weak towards these type of temptations is because you are denying yourself the pleasure of your spouse. Not only that, but he is being denied his rights by you as well.

    Here's a lot of things for you to think about and start to work on. Your biggest challenge is going to be getting Ammar out of you mind, but it can be done. Do whatever it takes to accomplish that, and you will have an entirely different experience of marriage and outlook on things, I assure you.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Sister Camille,
    Please don’t tell your husband. You need the support of your husband to love you and support you in this emotional time. You also need to care about him and not hurt him in any way. Please don’t ruin your husband’s self-esteem forever. If he pushed you away it will give Shatan a reason to increase your feelings with Ammar that may lead to many more things which Allah may not like.
    Stick to Good what you have. You know Allah (swt) don’t like divorce so stick with your husband and Allah (swt) to purify your love for your husband and turn all your love which you have for Ammar in to love for your husband. Your husband is better for you as he been with you in halal way from the beginning. Let Allah take care of you sins ask for Allah’s forgiveness. Make up for what you did wrong to your husband by not thinking about Ammar ever or any other person.
    Ammar brought you to Islam and his role has ended and it’s you husband who can keep you in Islam more stronger right? Never tell any thing to your husband to hurt him in any way. His love for will grow inshallah and if you work hard he will forgive you for this mistake on day of judgment. If you want to tell any one anything just tell your self that you will never think of any thing or do any action to hurt your husband. Sister learn from your mistakes and move on. Otherwise you may be in a cycle where both Ammar and your husband. What right you have to divorce your husband over things like chatting with Ammar online when you know it is wrong. So the whole basis of your relationship with Ammar after your marriage is wrong. May Allah make you strong and help you see things clearly. (Ameen) Don’t feel you are alone, Open your hart to Allah (swt) Inshallah you have a nice future with your husband full of love and happiness. Don’t do any thing to ruin it. Pray to Allah and be patient.

  3. Salaam sister,

    I do not advise you to tell your husband as this will hurt him.I do advise you to keep away from your ex and to think long and hard about whether you want to be with your husband as I am surprised at your relationship.Marriage is a life long commitmment to one person forsaking all others. It is not some kind of purchase that you make at the shop, and if you do not like what you have bought you return it and get your money back or buy something else.You need to enter marriage with a lot of though and be serious about it and more then that you need to be sure that you want tobe with that person for the rest of your life.

    so there is a lot of serious thinking to be done.Is your husband a good man can you learn to love him in time.Or is there no love there.Divorce is the last resort it is not the first choice. so thinklong and hard.

    Take Care.

    Allah Hafiz.

  4. AA;

    You can never start over, but you can change your ways now and have a better ending inshallah.

    You need to figure out what do u need? What do you want? do you want this guys or not? We can not tell you how to choose! We can say this guys is great, but if you can not stay with him and keep faithful, then who cares what we think!!!

    I know it is a bad situation and there are many issues, but you really need to figure things out first. And inshallah it will all get better after that.

    May ALLAH guide us, grant us patience, and shower us with his mercy.

    If I am correct, it is from ALLAH. If I err it is from me, and I pray ALLAH forgives me. Allah knows best.

    AA

  5. Asalaamalaikum to all,
    Sister I personally feel as though you should cut Ammar out of your life all together. He has done good by guiding you and informing you of Islam however he does not respect you enough if he will visit you for occasions of intimacy.
    Focus on your marriage sister, and Insha'Allah everything will work out for the best. Do not give up with your marriage as marriage is no kind of game.
    If it is forgivness you seek then remember, Allah (subhana wa'taalah) is oft-forgiving, most merciful. I am too repenting for my sins, and i will make dua that Allah (subhana wa'taalah) guides us both in the direction He thinks best and that He accepts out repentance. Ameen

  6. Salam o alaikum,

    Reading your query and the responses, I was obliged to mention something that is commonly missed out of situations like these and that is the definition of "love". Yes love exists however what also exists is deception of the Satan under the banner of "love". Alhamdulillah you are a muslimah now so lets understand what that means - it means submission to one Allah swt and once you submit and acknowledge to be a slave, there is nothing and noone beyond the Master's command and when one submits whole heartedly without being forced into it, that is LOVE.
    You will meet a lot of muslim men and women who rant about "love" and it being an excuse to delve into sin but the only real love is the love of Allah swt. Focus your love and trust on Allah swt and apart from that stop mentioning this word for anyone else AT ALL (except mom dad siblings etc). Relate everything to Allah swt and inshaAllah you will then feel the real love for the man because it is Allah swt who puts love and mercy in our hearts for our spouses, you are in a nikah with a good brother, put your faith in Allah swt, love Allah swt and nothing and noone else, keep at it for a while and be ready to be amazed at what happens next.

    Take the Shahadah again (just in case) start over, ask Allah swt for forgiveness and dive into the love and mercy of Allah swt - if you need more explaination to what i mean by this please write back with an example that has hurt you and i will explain more, inshaAllah you will have patience.

    I hope what i have said above makes sense to you - feel free to ask for clarifications.

    Saqib

  7. sister dont traing to be fool.No need to say your husbend.Becouse no one can acpet it & you cant also.
    Remamber wnen you knew about Ammar relationship what did tou fill?
    So allah knowing every thing and abel to bless you.
    And what are you think about Ammar?
    That he help you to convert?
    Ans: no no no he did`nt.
    Bcoz no one can do anything without Allahs wish.
    You are the lucky person who is selected by allah for hidayat.
    So you should not carry any fillings about Ammar.
    He is your past & your husbend is your present sooo keep strongly to your present.
    And dont do any thing which can make a distence between you and your life partner.
    Dont keep any relation with Ammar bcouse he is harram for you.
    I hope you dont do any thing which is agenst Allah?
    Try to get your husbend`s faith and see he will also.
    I wish you to a very very happy marraige live.
    ALLAH HAFIZ

  8. aoa

    i have been married for almost 3 years. and iv been cheating on myhusband over and over again. but this last time he caught me he said enough and wants to divorce me. im extremely sorry and i love him. please help me how i can persue him to not divorce me. as he has sent me hom eback to my parents and he is in bahrain. i really love him and i finally realise the consequences of my actions

    please pray for me. i swear i wont do such think ever in my life. please pray for me .
    give me guidance. because my husband wont talk to me nor will his family. though iv called eveyone and appologised.

    • Dear sister,
      you should prayer all your life and request from Allah to forgive you about cheating your husband ,your satuation in islam is Adulteress .your problem now with Allah and i advise you to forget your husband because you husband will not return to you even that you doing any thing to satisfied him also i advise to go makaa and doing omra and you asking god forgave you about your sin

    • Sorry Sister,

      you have lost and your husband will not return....make repentance and try to get his forgiveness, because you will meet him in hereafter. I hope God will help you Sister...

    • i would also do the same as your husband. you can only apologise and wait.
      once there is a change of heart , there is nothing much a human can do . it is only Allah that place love in ones heart and it is only HIm that take it away too.

  9. I had a boyfriend a year ago and we had sex, but now i met this religious man who inspired me to wear hijab and become more religious. I have not told him that i am not a virgin and whenever he asks or if we get to that subject i tell him that nothing happened between me and my ex. I feel VERY ashamed and truly repent to Allah and beg him for forgiveness, but i want to know if it is ok for me not to tell my future husband about this as he would immediately leave me because i have lied about it MANY times and because i commited the worst crime. Plz help me brothers&sisters, i truly regret what i did from the bottom of my heart but i do not want to tell my future husband about it. Can i be forgiven if i keep it between myself and Allah?

    • maryam992, it's not permitted to lie in Islam. Imagine how betrayed and outraged he would feel if you marry him and then one day he learns the truth somehow. Normally I tell people to say something like, "I made mistakes in the past but I have changed and made tawbah to Allah. I will not discuss any details. I hope you can accept that and move forward with me."

      In your case however, it's too late for that since you have already lied outright. The only option is to come clean and tell the truth. If he leaves you then that's the price you must pay for the sin and the lie.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • just tell him that the past relationship was a big mistake which you fully regret and repent and wish it would have never happened.NO MORE DETAILS . ok

      men generally dont take it very well. if you tell them, they always think you are a used piece even if you are considered forgiven in front of Allah. if you dont tell them ,they keep hoping that you are a virgin... never been touch kind of girl. so please dont test human beings...... they are not like God that you commit sins and He still loves you.

      tell this current man you are with that you dont want to talk about past ,if he is interested in a future with you then talk about future together.

      ,in which capacity you are seeing him by the way????? havent you learned your lesson. if you are not marrying then whats this all talking and inspiring each other is about????

      i just dont understand how these girls and boys talk so easily about if one has had sex with someone else ???????

      • I think men usually want to know every little detail about their prospective wife before marrying them. And past relationships are no.1 on the list!

        I always stand by 'honesty is the best policy' just tell him exactly what he needs to know without going into details. If he doesn't want to marry you then his not the one for you. Move on.

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