Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am tired, confused and do not want to marry my cousin anymore. Its driving me to suicidal thoughts

Forced marriage

Forced marriage


Recently, I went to Pakistan last year for my brother's wedding. I already had been told that I was engaged to this boy within my family whom I knew. This is the same person who I remember when I went last time to Pakistan.

I told my mother if I wanted to get married to someone it would be him, I was about 12 years old then. While I was there in Pakistan I did some things that I should of not done, I never did anything like get physical with him or anything (like commit zina), but like sitting close to him when he was not my mahram.

I was continuously warned by mother, and relatives that a muslim women does not act the way I did. Unfortunate, for me I continued doing it anyway without heeding what my relatives had to say.

Because of my actions, my mother had no other solution other than get my nikah done with this boy, but inside I was not ready for it, I did tell my mother and family, but I went ahead with it since my mother had already told everyone about it. When I came back from September till mid October I was fine with talking to him almost every day for hours, but that was getting in the way with school work, so I had to cut it down. I then constantly told him the reason why I did this and explictly explained to him, but every time we talked he asked the same question every time, which led him to think I do not love him, or that he has done some mistake, or I am too busy for him now which is why I was acting perculiar. But I told him that was not it. But he did not listen.

This then raised the question of self doubt within me, that is he the right person for me. After some weeks, I was beginning to feel anxious whilst talking to him since I did not know what to say. I then told him, that we should talk on weekends instead of weekdays as it would be easier for me. He instantly took it the wrong way saying what did he do to deserve this? And why am I behaving like this, and that I have changed. I once again explained the reasons to him, but I still felt he did not understand. I spoke to my mother about this, but she just let it go saying it is because he loves me so much. After a few more weeks, I grew tired of his answers, so I told him maybe it would be best if we talked after once we were living together or he was with me here in the UK. I had the same response, to which I then told my mother again, but she also said the same thing again.

In the beginning of the year, the anxiety got worse and I began to hyperventilate even till this day. I told my peers, relatives, mother, counsellor everyone, but no one seemed to help me and I felt like they were not understanding me, which led to more self doubt. After a while, I get myself in to reading books to take my mind of it, but then I realised that I have become more fearful (of everything), low self esteem, no confidence (never had it), I began to even more hate myself even more, I was not comfortable in my own skin.

I always had these issues since childhood, my family is not the kind to show affection through words, but I think through action. But the problem is that I have never had anyone in my whole life say to me how are you? to give me confidence? to rely on them, ask for guidance, which is why I have trusting and love issues. All of these reasons I have recently realised have been inside of me my whole life by me ignoring them. I have numerous times told my mother how I feel about all of this and my problems, but she never seems to understand me, I feel like she might care for me, but I still and will never believe that my family ever loved me, which is why I all the time feel like an outcast, as if they adopted me.

When I told my mum this, she says I cannot think like this as it would cause me problems in the future, I told her that I realise that which is why I want her to guide me. But she misunderstood me. Even when I tell her my feelings, I don't  think she understands, I even told her that she makes me feel like this, but she says I am going mental. I know very well that she cares more for what her brother (who's son I have married), her other brother, sisters, all relatives and society will say, more than my feelings and what I want.

I told her that I want a very simple wedding with no photo's or films, otherwise I will not get married, as in do the rest of the ritual. Again, she misunderstood me and angrily said I could do what I want and marry who I want, but I know she does not mean that and is fretful of the outcome of my choice. I told my mother, if I have to marry him under any circumstances, which I think I will, it will be forced marriage, not by my choice and I don't think I will be able to reciprocate the love that he has for me to him. I don't believe his love, because he has never talked to me my whole life apart from now, and claims to love me? I can never believe that. EVER. It is hard for me, since he does not show it very well either, it makes me feel broken hearted and low.

I feel very low, futile, worthless, unfaithful, cruel, betrayal, unloved, rejected, abandoned, lonely and self loathing human being right now, I feel I have never made my mother or family proud, as they have never in my life said to me. Even when I try my best in exams, it is never enough for them, they just do not seem to care about how I am and what I do. They seem to care about what society and their family would say, which makes me feel I can never do anything that would please them. They buy me everything, but that is not what I longed for my whole life. I want them to make me feel they love and care for me, but I believe it is too late now. I know I will not be able to do it since their sarcastic comments and attitude makes me feel I have no value and abilities whatsoever. So to return the love to my husband and family is difficult, since I do not know how to, nor do I know how to speak to guests when they come to visit or go to any one to have some guidance.

Whatever I have learnt is through mosque and life experiences, but my social skills are pretty poor since I have never had a content relationship with any one, even friends.

I don't know what to do, I want to be able to do what my mother says but I can't bring myself to do it since I feel deep inside it is not right, am I right to feel like this? Am I going to regret breaking off this marriage in the near future? Will I be sinned for making my mother feel and think this way?

I know marriage is a very sensitive issue, but I do not want to ruin my, his or anybody else's life because of my choice. When my mother tells me she is broken hearted because of me, it makes me feel like I am wrong and being sinful. But it makes me want to say to my mother that she and everyone else broke my heart a long time ago to which I am suffocated and ache till this day and know it can never be healed. Sometimes, I want to commit suicide because I do not know which route to take since I know very well that all of it has consequences, but for the better or worse frightens me.

Also, if you try to advise me on getting a hobby, I am not allowed since my mother and brother do not allow me to go out unless it is school or I am with them shopping. Other than that I am not allowed out the house, I am restricted.

Please help me and guide on what I should do. I feel lost and confused. I deeply pray to Allah that no other person will feel like this or goes to the same trauma as me, because no one deserves to be like this. I pray to Allah that He(swt) forgives you and guides you along the way. I hope you all are one of many people to be besides the Prophet on Judgement day. I pray that all of you are ten times better muslims than I will ever be. I pray that Allah is conscious and in your hearts all ways. Ameen.


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10 Responses »

  1. Asalaam alaikum Sister tired,

    I would ask how you are, but I already know. How precious you are, such a humble servant before Allah (swt) to wish us all those wonderful things in your last paragraph! It is an honor to read your message and I honestly feel, that Allah (swt) has given me the privilege to read your post today. Dear Sister, thank you for your prayers and blessings. It is Muslims like you who send such "salaams" that make me happy to be a Muslim, too! To pray for you today will be such an honorable gift. Thank you!

    Having said that, it is also a mercy from Alah (swt) that you have turned up here, seeking the counsel of Islamic advice that we will try to provide. Alhamdulillah, you have not hurt yourself yet, and in this way Allah (swt) is protecting you by bringing you here in one piece. Do you know how much He loves you to carefully guide you along your journey, though fret with pain and heartache, so that He may keep you safe all this time? Subhan'allah, you are His beautiful servant and He loves you more than any of us can begin to imagine.

    There are times when I talk to Allah (swt) in my own prayers and often, I pray for the people who write here, no matter how misguided some of them are. Yet, in cases such as yours', I look up and pray that you will understand that Allah (swt) will be the center of your love, too. That His Love will be present in each moment of your consciousness and when you are hurt and disappointed, that you turn to Him and say, "Oh my Lord, help me!"

    Do you know that this is the reason for our pain in life? So that we have these opportunities with tears in our eyes and aches in our body to kneel before Allah (swt) and say "My dear Lord, everyone has hurt me. They've abandoned me and turned me away. Yet, I come to you, because you are for the hurt ones, the lonesome ones and the sorrowful souls! I come to you, because there is no god but You! I have nowhere else to go! My Lord, I need you!"

    So when you place your soft head on the ground, kneeling before Him, keep this in mind and then say, "Thank You, Allah (swt)! This pain was my invitation to You! You brought me here in the safe confines of Your Love and Mercy. You want me! What did I do to deserve You? I have nothing to offer, but You are for the empty handed! My praise cannot begin to describe You, but You are for the speechless. My body shakes with cries, but You are for the brokenhearted!

    And for us, the destitute, the needy and the helpless exists a verse that will echo for all eternity:

    Quran Chapter 21, Verse 83
    And (remember) Job, when he cried to his Lord: "Verily, distress has seized me, and You are the Most Merciful of all those who show mercy."

    Don't you see, my dear sister? I know you're tired, but you have been invited to Allah (swt). He prefers you. How special you are, indeed!

    I will write more for you about your situation in a bit. I am sure others will, too. Till then, remember that through all this misery, Allah (swt) is calling you. He loves you and He wants to show you that only He will truly take care of you.

  2. Salaam sister

    i read your story and saw myself 14 years ago in the same place....i went ahead and did what my mum wanted....and now i am alone with two daughters a heavy mortgage and a mental illness im trying my best to Handle. But Alhamdulillah im alot happier then i was when i was stuck in a marridge which made me so depressed...

    Sis sometimes to save your self you have to spk up and dont be afraid of what society or even ur mum for that matter will say beacause Allah (swt) knows....if something feels wrong sis it usually is!

    May Allah make it easy for you sis x

  3. Assalamoalaikum Dearset sister Tired,
    First of all I pray to Allah(s.w.t) that you are feeling much better now.
    Before advice for you I would also like to thank Professor X for such an uplifting and spiritual advice. I too needed it so much . May Allah(s.w.t) reward him too.
    Now coming to you Sister your post really made me cry. I too was and still am somewhat in a similar situation. And a year ago when I came to this website I was too lost and confused . And again thanks to the people and Editors here who helped me thoroughly.
    Sister I do feel your emotions. First of all as Professor X mentioned Allah(S.wt) is always there loving and caring for us. And it is indeed a call from Him(s.w.t) to us to come closer to him. This test although not easy but is indeed a blessing in disguise.
    My parents love me too, yet they never guide me, nor ever express it due to which i too went through major problems and depressions in my life. But Sister you are worth so much. You are such a good servant of Allah(s.w.t) Mashallah. Never underestimate your self. Mashallah you are young, vibrant, Muslim, educated and so nice hearted that you think of everyone around you rather than yourself.
    First let me tell you about your marriage. Do Istikhara and seek Allah(S.w.t)'s guidance. Next think if you are able to work on your relationship. If you want to give it a try or know deep down you can makeup things between you too ,you can give it a try. Which in my case only got worse. Next if you know it's impossible then after Istikhara go with your gut feeling which is almost the most correct one. Don't get married for people's sake. It's your life. You are going to have all the responsibilities , not others. Nobody understands it if he is not in the similar situation.
    I too was and some what still am in the similar situation. But I already have made it clear to everyone that i'm not going to get married for other's sake. It's my free will and my birth right. Yet, in my situation i'm waiting for my studies to complete. Make Dua for me also.
    I feel so much like you. But you know what helps me?
    I pray a lot. I do Dhikr, I started reading translation of Quran which heals my heart and brings light to it. Believe me it's so peaceful. Talk to Allah(S.w.t) whenever you need love, or are in pain or whatever your problem is and see how peaceful it is. Do exercise , eat plenty of healthy foods, look after yourself, pamper your self and do whatever makes you happy.
    And speak up for yourself. If you get married for the sake of society, it means nothing. Everyone will come, party at your wedding and go and the person who will be in mess for the whole life would be you.
    Again i'm not saying do this or that. It's up to you but please, we get married once. Do it for yourself . Inshallah it will take time and a bit pain but everything will fall in place once you decide Inshallah.
    And my Dear Sister I will pray for you InshAllah every second I remember you. May Allah(S.w.t) give you guidance to the best decision, and heal your heart and protect everyone else from this situation. Ameen
    Take very good care of yourself,
    All my love and prayers,

    • And one thing I forgot to mention was after seeking Allah(S.w.t)'s guidance in all my matters, and standing up for my self, and doing everything just for Him(S.w.t) be it even a smile to somebody passing by I feel much better.
      I feel good, at peace with my self, realize I am important to Allah(s.w.t), although i can't change the people and my parents, but I know there is God up above me who loves every bit to good I do.
      You know at that time when I was confused I even failed an exam, I used to be in hospitals and it was so dark. But then slowly by making Allah(S.w.t) the center of my life and His(s.w.t) guidance my teacher all those dark clouds disappeared.
      So if I can so can you Inshallah.
      I pray Inshallah that you are soon out of all this. Ameen


    Given that Allah promised to undertake the sustenance and any delay thereafter or withholding of any of its needs being merely for a trial, then there is no room for a person to take away the life that Allah has created for an important purpose and meticulously sustaining it each second for that purpose.

    He prohibited the destroying of ones life in any manner as understood by the general meaning of the wording of this verse, “And do not throw (yourselves) with your own hands to destruction; but work (deeds of) excellence for verily Allah loves the people of excellence.” [Surah Baqarah 2:195]

  5. hina ASSLAMALAIKUM-'i am very happy by getting this website zawaj it has all the feclities to share everyones plight which is usually hidden from the world-
    (Email address deleted by Editor)

    i will be glad to share yr happiness and sorrows and if you are on face book pl like this page- ASSALAMALAIKUM PL LIKE THIS PAGE ANS SEND INVITATION TO ALL FRIENDS AND RELATIVES TO JOIN AS THIS MOVE OF YOURS MAY MAKE SOMEONES LIFE A BLISS FROM A MISERABLE ONE BE IT MUSLIM BROTHER OR MUSLIM SISTER ALL ARE SAME- "The believers are nothing but brothers, so make peace between your two brothers and beware of Allah that perhaps you may be shown mercy." (Al-Hujaraat: 10)

  6. you need to sit down and ask Allah for his help and guidance.
    If you feel that you do not want to proceed with the marriage ceremony then you need to explain to your parents and try and make them understand that you are not ready mentally for marriage .I presume your young and you have dream and aspirations and things that you wish to accomplish in your life time your parents should understand and allow you to make your own decision.
    furthermore you were so young and you didn't understand and your parents made you do a Nikah we all make silly mistakes like that when were young thats normal were human allah didn't make us perfect i think it was little unfair that your mother did not let you decide for yourself instead she just pushed you into it no mother should ever force their own daughter to get married at such a young age when she is not ready when one is married they have many responsibilities and if your not ready for those responsibilities you need to speak out before it gets too late. when you feel down thats the time when you need to pray and a bow down to allah and talk to him about your problems.
    marriage is something very serious in my view and if your not ready for that commitment and if you have no intention to continue with it you need to quickly speak to your mother and she must understand before it gets to late.

  7. Please help me and guide on what I should do. I feel lost and confused. I deeply pray to Allah that no other person will feel like this or goes to the same trauma as me, because no one deserves to be like this. I pray to Allah that He(swt) forgives you and guides you along the way. I hope you all are one of many people to be besides the Prophet on Judgement day. I pray that all of you are ten times better muslims than I will ever be. I pray that Allah is conscious and in your hearts all ways. Ameen.~tired

    SEE THIS GIRL WAS MARRIED AND NOW DIVORCED WITH 2 CHILDREN LIVING ON GOVT SOURCE OF INCOME-Assalam-o-AlaikumI want to know what Shariat says on this Nikkah issue.
    There is a girl, when she was about 20 years old she was forced by her parents to get marry to her kith and kin. But she refused to marry with him many times. His brothers and sisters were also not willing her to marry him. But they could not dare to ask their father to stop this. But the girl wept many times before her mother that she does not want to marry with him at all. But her parents did not accept her wish.
    MARRIED MY COUSIN FOR MY PARENTS-Jazaak Allahu kheir for this link. It reminds me of my situation, though I have no sister, just two brothers who weren't married at the time I was forced to marry my cousin. (son of the elder sister of my mother)
    REPLY FROM HADEES ON RIGHTS OF A GIRL AND HER CONSENT-IN MARRIAGE- PL STICK TO THIS AND DONT BUDGE WHATEVER HAPPENS-Whenever a woman is forced for Nikah that Nikah is invalid and a woman can break the ties of Nikah.The evidence to support this fact is same hadith of sahih Muslim:"Ibn Abbas (ra) reported Allah's Messenger ﷺ as saying: A previously married woman (thaib) has more right to her person than her guardian. And a virgin should also be consulted, and her silence implies her consent."( Sahih Muslim, in Kitab an-Nikah)This hadith clearly indicates that neither previously married woman nor virgin can be forced by their guardians for Nikah.

  8. Can a woman be forced into marriage in Islam?

    Absolutely not! Let us look at what Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him said regarding this issue:

    Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as having said: "A woman without a husband (or divorced or a widow) must not be married until she is consulted, and a virgin must not be married until her permission is sought. They asked the Prophet of Allah (may peace be upon him): How her (virgin's) consent can be solicited? He (the Holy Prophet) said: That she keeps silence. (Translation of Sahih Muslim, The Book of Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 008, Number 3303)"

    Allah Almighty said in the Noble Quran: "O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower [money given by the husband to the wife for the marriage contract] ye have given them, except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good. (The Noble Quran, 4:19)"

  9. sis , i dunno you personally , i cannot comprehend how much pain you're feeling right now and am not gonna write long but the answer to all your problems is in a book. a very precious book and its probably one in your house . and that is the quran

    best wishes may Allah guide you and make you happy

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