Wife does not seem interested in anything about my happiness
She doesn't seem interested in showing love or affection
Salam,
I have a big problem in my marriage life.
Im 25 and been married 18months. My wife is from pakistan and im from the uk, she's been living with me for 10 months now in the uk.
I met her in pakistan as she was a very distant relative i really liked her and our parents spoke and we got our nikkah done and she seemed happy with the proposal.
We started living 2getha 7months after the nikkah as i had to come back to the uk.
But she doesnt seem to be interested in showing any love or affection to me at all.
She has not ONCE in her entire time with me said that she loves me, not ONCE and im not exaggerating. She has NEVER once given me a kiss on her own will, and NEVER once initiated love making. She is NEVER happy with having sex and always makes excuses to avoid it, (im tired, my legs hurt, i got a headache, or it hurts to much) it gets to a point where it seems like im begging for sex and i get embarrassed and shut up. She doesn't like mer kissing her either, she just stops me thats it. Its like Im just married to her, but cant touch or kiss or hug or make love 2 her.
I really do love her, but gradually day by day the love is going from my heart for her, BUT i still dont give up i try and try everything.
She just doesnt seem to be interested in any touching or affection or romantic or anything relationship type, its like we just live together and she is my room mate, thats all. She is VERY beautiful and is big headed sometimes because her side of the family just cant stop mentioning how good and beautiful she is which i find annoying.
Its not that im ugly, but alhamdolila I have been told im quite handsome as well, so i dont think its the fact she may not be attracted to me.
She doesnt like to cook or clean much, she doesnt seem interested in making me happy in any sort of way, i DO EVRYTHING FOR HER, buy her whatever clothes, food, she needs, any earrings and all woman stuff she gets when she needs, we eat out 3/4 times a week when she wants. I mean i alwayz show her affection, hug her, kiss her etc, hold her hand etc, provide EVERYTHING, making sure she has clothes 2 wear, shoes 2 wear, foot to eat and everything else that is expected from a husband.
In return she doesnt seem bothered with making me happy or doing anything to make me happy, she jus seems concerned about herself, and when i do mention these things to her and try to talk about it, she turns around and says 'well you've never done anything special for me' you dont do much for me etc, and then I explain and mentiong EVERYTHING i do for her, but she just doesnt seem to see it at all. With her stupid replies i have nothing to say after that, We argue atleast 3 times a week and wont make up for a couple of days. She never appreciates anything or be thankful. I mean all we do is argue, i cant actually remember when i was actually happy with her, She is PERFECT with the rest of my family and gets along well with them, spends time with them, talks about everything with them and seems proper involved, but at the same time she jus seems MORE bothererd about her own family in pakistan and making them happy and conversating with them and making them laugh etc rather then me, Its like im invisible to her. like I dont exist, i feel as is im only there to her when she needs something, like food, or new clothes, thats all, like im just there to buy her stuff.
I have now had enough and I am soo frustrated, all i want is some loving, can you please give me advice and what i should do according to islam.
~gtrmad
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Aswak,
It looks like she has medical problem and that's the reason she is avoiding you. May be she is scared to disclose it to you.Talk with her and give her the confidence level that you will always support her. Consult with the doctor and Insha Allah it should be curable.
Allah Hafiz.
She may be homesick and lonely; she's travelled to a completely new country and left her old life behind. 10 months isn't a long time to get used to a new way of life, and a lot has changed for her. When my parents were young, they moved to a different country for my dad's work, and my mum was homesick for a year - she called home every night and was desperate to move back. Gradually she came to like it, and then love it.
Does your wife have anything to fill her time? A job, friends, study? If not, maybe try helping her find something. If she can find something to feel positive about and feel she is accepted in the community on her own merit rather than as "a wife", she might start to feel happier about things.
Try talking to her about how she feels about moving and adapting to life in the UK. Also, if things don't improve it might help for her to chat to her GP.
InshaAllah the two of you can get through this and build a happy life together.
I agree with you, well said I dont even think its a medical issue at all strange how some people quickly point this out. It is the fact all this is new to her and she may be homesick, feeling lonely, getting to adjust to a new place and it does take time to get to know someone in which 10 months is nothing, you have to be very patience. I honestly think that you has a man you have fulfilled your duties as a husband but as for your wife you need to talk to her and resolve your issues with her marriage takes ages to build love and trust. Your wife seems like a nice woman but getting used to someone also takes time, do not do anything that you may later regret, communicate and reconnect as this is the key to hold onto a marriage and I hope things improve for you inshAllah.
Well I think that you are doing what you can, how old is your wife? It sounds like maybe its a miscommunication I dont believe she has a medical problem, or that your not doing enough with her being home sick as what others posted. To me it seems you should talk to her and tell her how you feel like a serious conversation that your my wife. The focus shouldnt be about your family or mine it should be about our future together. I would have a serious sit down with her and if she argues with you again or walks away. It might just be shes not ready for marriage, mature wise because the key to a relationship working is communication. I wouldnt divorce her because that is something that I would highly not recommend or even the thought. Marriage has to work both ways I would have a sit down and make her listen and tell her how you feel. It just sounds shes immature, but inshallah shell listen if she doesnt I would tell her what is the problem? If your not interested in me do you not want to be married to me? Have a serious sit down, and if she doesnt listen bring an elder into the conversation. It just sounds like shes immature or doesnt know how to communicate so dont give up hope. Inshallah it would work out!:)
The reason as to why i brought up divorce is I am divorced, my family married me at a young age and I wasnt mature enough and neither was my husband we both were young and didnt know how to communicate. No I am not saying all peoples problems are the same either its just something that I thought about communication is the key to a marriage, and I think when one is older you think about marriage much more seriously.
Salaams Brother,
Reading your story reminds me of the start of my own marriage except the other way round with me being the UK wife.
Try to avoid conflict. You should not have to pander to her every whim. I'm saying from my own experience but I would suggest she is immature and spoilt plus being told she's beautiful all the time, her ego is super-inflated.
Stop spoiling her, you wouldn't want to even do that to a child. Stick to your basic duties and don't exceed the limits. Save fancy gifts for special occasions only. This is even worse that she is refusing her duties to you, denying your rights without valid reason and there is a hadith about the angels being angry with such a wife. Plus not cooking and cleaning. She is not lady of the manor.
It is better that you treat her very firmly and be careful and calm about it. I'm sorry but she is manipulating you and it is all about who has the upper hand. You need to confide in a fair-minded family member who you trust but be careful here too. Don't divulge about lack of intimate relations out of respect but just mention that she is not very co-operative and tell it in a calm way.
I'm sorry but I had the same problem where my husband made a great effort to win over my family and in their eyes he could do no wrong. I came off looking worse. I had to work too and made to leave my baby at home with my parents who we initially resided with. It's now been 10 years and I have spent most of that time separated with 2 kids. We keep going round in circles and too much family involvement has made matters worse.
Don't let matters get out of control and of course she is in a strange place etc but she needs to be respectful and your feelings should be more important than anyone else's including her own family.
Use this time to make a sound judgement re visa
salam brother,
Did you choose her because she was VERY beautiful.f so you got what you looked for.
if not, then try marriage counceling as this may help break the barrier between you and her. also this may make her realise that there is a problem.try to keep matters between yourselves as relatives can be very inflammatory.
may Allah bring you two closer.
Assalam.
It seems that a lot of factors are playing role in your issue here. Here is my opinion:
1. She is far away from her usual environment (country) and people (her family and friends) - it could be a difficult period for young lady.Don’t be upset when she speaks to her family and let her have that time. Try to comfort her with kind words if you feel she is homesick.
2. She may not be quite mature to understand the true significance of the marriage relationships.Perhaps you should both speak with marriage counselor or read together books where roles and responsibilities of married couples are explained in the light of Islam.
3. She may not have enough appreciation/admiration for you, because she believes in supremacy of her own beauty, hence herself.I have to admit your wife reminds me myself in my early years of marriage. My marriage was arranged one and I did not feel any love for my husband at first (your wife’s heart can warm up slowly, Inshallah , you just have to be patient and persistent dear brother..). I also was beautiful and felt superior (although my hubby was good looking too)…. I changed completely when I saw some lady showing her interest to my husband (there were rumors of my hubby cheating although he never admitted), … I started showing much more affection, our intimate life changed dramatically for the better (all headache excuses were in the past ); our relationship got much stronger and was enjoyable. He was loyal to me since alhamdullilah.
Now, I am not suggesting you to cheat on your wife by any means ,Authubillah, may God forbid, however you may want to make her feel bit jealous towards you (perhaps making some praising comments about other girls beauty etc. Please, be careful and don’t overdo it).
Please, don’t give up and be patient. Marriage is work/ life project in progress. I wish you both to achieve success, Inshallah
I do not believe you should try to make your wife jealous, but that being said I have a question. Are you in a position where you could take another wife? If so then I suggest that you have a heart to heart with her. If she does not like the conversation pull away without a fight telling her you can discuss it when she is ready to not argue with you. This will intrigue her. Inshallah, she will want to understand what you are trying to say and this could spark her interest to listen to you in a calm way.
As a woman, I say sit her down and approach a chat in a very intimate way. Tell her you love her and want nothing more than for her to love you back. Then tell her that her unwillingness to please you is causing you hardship. Tell her that you want to be with her and take care of her, but this also means you have desires that need to be taken care of as well. Ask her what you can do right that she thinks you are doing wrong. Then ask her if she thinks she will begin to like intimacy with you or should you take another wife that can provide the intimacy she is not willing to provide you with. (Keep in mind she will still be entitled to equal time with you, with or without intimacy.) If she is strict with Islam she will become a better wife so that you will not need another wife, or she will agree to allow you to find a second wife who will do what she cannot do for you. Either way things will get better, Inshallah.
I have told my husband the only way I can agree to another wife is if these conditions, as yours above, were what our marriage was like. Alhamdolillah, we have not had this problem. Maybe this will be the push she needs to realize that a Muslim wife should take care of her husbands needs for better or worse. In doing so she is protecting her Islam and taking care of her own needs as well. Inshallah I will pray Allah(SWT) will help and guide you. Salam.
Just so you know I am not a scholar and these are my own opinions as a Muslim wife. May Allah(SWT) forgive me if I have given bad or wrong advice.
I advise would be give her some time to see if she would change.. If she doesnt change, then tell her she is depriving you of your marital rights and try to solve things amicably with her.
If this doesnt work, then inform her that you are considering the option of marrying a second wife, a wife that would show you affections, love, a wife that would satisfy your desires and rights which she has been failing to do.
If you make this move and you didnt see any change in her attitude, then i recommend you to marry a second spouse that would give you the affection you need.
Salam Brother,
In a nutshell...your wife is selfish. She is willing to take, take, take, however...she isn't willing to give anything in return. How fair is that?! It appears to me that she does not appreciate the nice things you do for her and is taking advantage of your kindness and gifts.
Eighteen months is a long time to be married let alone be deprived of the most basic human needs. You seriously need to sit down with her and have a heart to heart talk. Relations between a husband and wife play a huge part within a marriage no matter what anyone says. She might be beautiful but as the old saying goes, "beauty is only skin deep". What good is a beautiful wife when she could care less about you, your happiness or what your needs are? She doesn't cook and doesn't like to clean...sounds like my son's ex wife to a "t". His marriage lasted a whole eight months and he was in the exact same situation as you. It got old having to beg his wife for intimacy and attention. Her nails, hair and her family mattered more to her than anything he wanted or needed. They divorced and it was the best thing that could have happened for both of them. For him...his sanity and for her...well...she will be lucky to find a guy as generous and kind as he was. Time flies as this I know well. Eighteen months will be eighteen years before you know it. You are not being fair to yourself to live this way. Sit down and talk and get yourselves on the same page. This is no way to live, I don't care how drop dead gorgeous she might be. You matter.
Salam
I would not be interested in changing anyone. Genuine and meaningful change should come from within. Divorce her ASAP.
Salam
Assalamualaikum
At this point you don't know that:
1) She is selfish or just naive (or both).
2) She is getting bad advice from family or friends.
3) She hasn't been advised on how to be a good wife.
So by being a harsh stance with her will probably not work. Being too sweet with her will only boost her
misled ego. If you divorce her now, you will probably need sometime to recover emotionally, so why not
try to make sure that you did everything within your power.
If she is good muslimah and prays regularly then you should make an effort otherwise the following suggestions may not work.
1) Ignore her extravagant needs.
2) Stop going out and if you are a decent cook then cook the food yourself at home otherwise
just get some food and bring it home.
3) Don't expect her to clean up after you, but if you are not a messy person and clean up after yourself only then advise her to clean up after she is done.
4) Don't give her too much pocket money, just enough so that her basic needs are fulfilled.
5) Control your frustration with her, be a decent human being with her but don't go out of your way to please
her.
6) Sleep in a separate bed from her, she may have developed the attitude that her beauty is enough to
warrant special treatment from you. You want to convey the message that beauty without character is useless but convey your message through your good actions and not your tongue.
7) Ask her if she wants to visit her family back home, if she wants to go then arrange for her to visit back home,
and then let her stay there for a while, if she starts pestering you about coming back then go visit her in Pakistan, (be nice to her) but let her know that she probably misses her family too much and that is probably hampering her wifely duties, so she is better off staying with her family and you will visit her often.
8) Without ever losing your temper, you can politely tell her family about your complaints, and make it clear to them that you are better off this way.
9) Try your best and not give her silly excuses to make you a villain.
In the end who knows if these will help you or not, but you have to understand that you are the wise one and you have been given more authority from an Islamic point of view. So make sure you don't abuse your authority in dealing with her.
Sometimes two people who get married are just too different, and sometimes they find ways to make it work other times they have to end it. You should only end it when you know for sure that you tried everything without sacrificing your needs and rights too much.
May Allah grant you the wisdom to handle matters amicably.
Mashallah...I loved your kind and thoughtful response to this brother!
Beautiful and wise response, mashaAllah.
Peace Brother,
I am going to say you in plain words, she has used you to get to UK, you fell for her beauty and she knew that and accepted your proposal to get to UK, I don't think she loves you at all and I am having doubt why is she refusing from kissing and other things, if I am recently married than I can't of anything but that, you need to do some background check on her when she was in Pakistan whether she had some boyfriend or stuff as she is VERY beautiful as you mentioned.........if nothing then have a long and serious talk what she wants as she thinks you are not doing enough what is enough for her and seriously dude stop kicking her man and start giving her some food instead of foot 😀 just kidding can't stop laughing know its a typo but funny ......
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
If what you said is true, she is an ingrate so you should make her correct her behavior and if she doesn't, I say, I think in contradiction to other naseehat here, divorce her. Think about the mother your children will have,
Why will there be more women in Hell than men?
Praise be to Allaah.
It was narrated from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) that women will form the majority of the people of Hell. It was narrated from ‘Imraan ibn Husayn that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “I looked into Paradise and I saw that the majority of its people were the poor. And I looked into Hell and I saw that the majority of its people are women.”
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3241; Muslim, 2737)
With regard to the reason for that, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was asked about it and he explained the reason.
It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Abbaas said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “I was shown Hell and I have never seen anything more terrifying than it. And I saw that the majority of its people are women.” They said, “Why, O Messenger of Allaah?” He said, “Because of their ingratitude (kufr).” It was said, “Are they ungrateful to Allaah?” He said, “They are ungrateful to their companions (husbands) and ungrateful for good treatment. If you are kind to one of them for a lifetime then she sees one (undesirable) thing in you, she will say, ‘I have never had anything good from you.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1052)
It was narrated that Abu Sa’eed al-Khudri said:
“The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) went out to the Musalla on the day of Eid al-Adha or Eid al-Fitr. He passed by the women and said, ‘O women! Give charity, for I have seen that you form the majority of the people of Hell.’ They asked, ‘Why is that, O Messenger of Allaah?’ He replied, ‘You curse frequently and are ungrateful to your husbands. I have not seen anyone more deficient in intelligence and religious commitment than you. A cautious sensible man could be led astray by some of you.’ The women asked, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, what is deficient in our intelligence and religious commitment?’ He said, ‘Is not the testimony of two women equal to the testimony of one man?’ They said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘This is the deficiency in her intelligence. Is it not true that a woman can neither pray nor fast during her menses?’ The women said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘This is the deficiency in her religious commitment.’”
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 304)
It was narrated that Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah said: “I attended Eid prayers with the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). He started with the prayer before the khutbah, with no adhaan or iqaamah. Then he stood up, leaning on Bilaal, speaking of fear of Allaah (taqwa) and urging us to obey Him. He preached to the people and reminded them. Then he went over to the women and preached to them and reminded them. Then he said, ‘Give in charity, for you are the majority of the fuel of Hell. A woman with dark cheeks stood up in the midst of the women and said, ‘Why is that, O Messenger of Allaah?’ He said, ‘Because you complain too much and are ungrateful to your husbands.’ Then they started to give their jewellery in charity, throwing their earrings and rings into Bilaal’s cloak.”
(Narrated by Muslim, 885)
Our believing sisters who learn of this hadeeth should behave like those Sahaabiyaat who, when they learned of this, did good deeds which would be the means, by Allaah’s leave, of keeping them far away from being included in that majority of the inhabitants of Hell.
So our advice to the sisters is to strive to adhere to the rituals and obligatory duties of Islam, especially prayer, and to keep away from that which Allaah has forbidden, especially shirk in its many forms which are widespread among women, such as seeking one's needs from someone other than Allaah, going to practitioners of witchcraft and fortune-tellers, etc.
We ask Allaah to keep us and all our brothers and sisters far away from the Fire and the words and deeds that bring one close to it.
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