Islamic marriage advice and family advice

25 year old wife, I need help

Pregnant teen

Asalam alaykum sisters

 

I have so many questions i need many advices ..  I cant take it to any friend or the imam here for fear of destroying my husbands reputation also i do not want Allah to punish me for saying a mans sin. So i will remain from saying my name in sha Allah.

Im 25 and my husband is constanly watching porn. Its breaking my heart bcuz we are so young and im preparing to have our first child in less than 2 weeks in sha Allah. I have gained almost 50 pounds due to carrying his child. The thing is that hes done this before with other excuses and has went to extreme lengths to speak the women from his past in secret due to the fact that he has children with women from his past .. We are both reverts... Telling her things that would make any wife run for the hills.

I need help. Is there any other sister dealing with this.. He tried to hide it but i wake up i catch him. He tries to be sneaky but i still find out in other ways and he tries to lie but eventually tells the truth.

I have gained alot of weight and its hard now bcuz im so pregnant but still its breaking me bcuz this isnt his first time . hes done this before. And i feel so ugly like why doesnt he wanna ask me to come to bed or something i never deny him..

Now im struggling to figure out do i need to leave or help him thru this problem. I feel he doesnt have shame and im wondering now how will he care for or raise my child or what things he can offer to teach her. But another part is feeling sad for him and want to stand by him and help him i just dont know how much more i can take and its so early in my life ill hate to helo for years and him be the same..

Is there other sisters who go thru this ? Did ur husband ever stop ? Did u ever trust him again how did u live with it bcuz me i feel worthless and ugly but then i feel bad like maybe he doesnt wanna hurt me and the baby so he does this. I keep telling him it doesnt bother me and i always offer myself to him


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7 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister. I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. Although we cannot and should not condone the behaviour of your husband, unfortunately this habit of indulging in porn by men is becoming more prevalent. The effects of this can be devastating. After ten years of hard work it broke my marriage. I am now left with two children from him and I just can't move on.
    I think you should get help for your husband. Take him to some therapist . If he refuses then there's not much more you can do.
    All the best

  2. I don't know why your husband feels a need for porn, and I don't know what your marriage is like. But his porn watching is of course a big issue for the both of you...not just the porn watching itself, but also the whole lying about it, and hiding it, on his part. That just makes matters even worse...

    I don't personally like how men's porn watching habits have become so normalized in today's society. It's considered almost unreasonable to expect of your partner to not watch porn. But it's not.

    I don't clearly understand the psychology behind porn watching. I don't know if people watch porn, because they feel a sexual void in their own sex life. Or if they feel like their spouse won't agree to participating in their sexual fantasies. But i think something you can do, as a wife, is try to find out what makes your husband watch porn. Maybe it's a genuine addiction he needs professional help with. Maybe he's watching it because he doesn't feel fulfilled by you...you do mention that you don't deny your husband sex, but men don't just need availability from you. They also need engagement, creativity and enthusiasm. Just because you lie down on your back with your legs spread doesn't mean you are really available...as I understand, men get turned on when women actively...partake. You should definitely have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your sex life...it may or may not be an area where you can find solutions to his porn problem.

    I also think it's a good idea that you two make an agreement...you can ask him to please let you know every time he's tempted to watch porn, or very time he wants to watch porn...and in return, you won't get angry with him. Don't punish his honesty. If he let's you know BEFORE he watches porn, you can actively help him distract his mind...maybe you can offer to do something new in the bedroom as an alternative to him watching porn :).

  3. It's unfortunate that married males watch porn. Well, they become habitual of it when they are single. So, as they say, old habits die hard. The best thing therefore is to tell your child about pornography as soon as they hit puberty. Tell them that he or she will have a lot of sexual desires and excitations but they shouldn't resort to porn. Now, I am going to tell you three solutions to get rid of this menace. I hope they help you to get out of your current predicament. The first two solutions for his porn addiction are as follows:

    1) Tell him about this ayah of the Holy Quran: "Wama Kaana Rabbuka Nasiyya". "And Your Lord never forgets."

    2) Here goes another verse of the Quran: "Wa huwa ma'akum ayna ma kuntum". "And wherever you go, your Lord is with you."

    Ask him to read these verses with translation 4 times a day. 1) As soon as he wakes up 2) As soon as he leaves for work 3) As soon as he comes back from work 4) Before he sleeps. Apart from this, whenever he feels the urge, read these two verses and come back to you.

    Now, I am going to present the third solution to you. Be more physically attractive. Shed some weight. Why in the blue hell did you gain 50 pounds when your child aint gonna be more than 10 pounds? Watch some youtube videos of beautifying your face and curves. Be more sexually active. Assume an active role when engaging in any sexual activity with your husband. If you are a stay-at-home mother, make sure to look your finest before your husband comes from work. Wear skin-tight clothing. Be more voluptuous, sultry and seductive. Initiate sexual moves with him. Cuddle up with him even when he is not in bed. Steal a kiss with him every now and then. Assume a more assertive sexual role. I wish you the best of luck in this marriage.

    PS: Do not talk to non-mahrams and do not show your beauty to any one else other than your husband.

  4. Assalam Walakum dearest sister in islam,

    I'm actually genuinely disturbed by some of the above advice, my heart goes out to you sister, i truly truly mean that,

    Your a young woman who is expecting her first child, ( congratulations by the way!!) and trying to navigate her way through the insecurities most women encounter, due to their bodies abrupt changes during pregnancy, as if that is not hard enough, you are having to deal with, a husband who is partial to watching porn and having inappropriate and haram relationships with other women.
    As if that is not enough to deal with, and despite the fact, you are currently days away from giving birth, you are strangely being advised to .....

    A) become a dominatrix in the bedroom
    B) Lose weight, (although your just about to give birth)
    C) Become more sexually active, ( although your just about to give birth)

    I'm so so sorry my sister, that you have come on here, looking for advice, yet have found yourself privy to such strange and frankly insulting responses,

    Firstly your husbands behaviour is despicable and completely and utterly Haram, you seem like a very tolerant and strong woman mashallah, who as advised, gives her husband his sexual rights in full, therefore you have no share in the sins of your husband.
    If you have not already, and if you feel as though you can, given your condition, it high time you sit down with your husband, and have a frank conversation with him, telling him to fear remind him to fear his lord, and that his behaviour is tantamount to adultery in islam, and such is harshly punished by Allah swt, if your husband then, leaves alone these sins, regrets his behaviour, and repents to Allah then hopefully inshallah, in time you can begin to heal, and then there is nothing wrong in staying with him and working on your marriage,
    however....
    if he shows you no willingness or efforts to change i.e if he continues the haram relationships with other women and does not address his issues with porn, then my dearest sister, no good can come out of being married to an adulterer, no good for you and no good for your unborn child, in this case you should separate from him, and save yourself and your child, from the evil consequences of having someone who doesn't fear his lord, as the head of your household,

    May Allah make this easy for you, and bless you with a righteous child.....

    • Alina, you conveniently forgot the first two advices that were directed to her husband. Also, the third advice is intended to prevent her husband from consuming porn. There is a reason why a married male is resorting to such tactics. One has to be practical. If that guy had genuine fear of Allah every single second, he wouldn't resort to consuming porn. Alas, he caves in to his carnal desires. Now, if his wife goes an extra mile and does nothing against the injunctions of Islam, I don't understand what's wrong with that.

      Talking to him and having a frank conversation with him will not sort out his porn issues. I wish it was that simple!

      • "There is a reason why a married male is resorting to such tactics."

        Of course, Muslim women are not as sexy or beautiful as these wonderful porn stars. We should get advanced porn star training to please our Muslim husbands, as they are completely innocent.

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