Why the first love is an issue for guys; why it bothers us for the rest of our lives?
True love comes from Allah Alone, rest all is from Shaitaan
AOA,
I hope you are fine.... i am reading your posts since a long time now and i am now interested in seeking your advice about my particular scenario. First of all, i thank Allah for what ever i have and what ever i am, i am kind of positive female in this world who live and think positively..no matter how hard the time gets i always keep my positivity with me with alot of patience. I seek an advice from you so that i can be guided by a friend.... who does not know me but still wants me to follow the righteous path without biases.
Its all started when i was in school, i was a simple kid very studious and obedient, always good in mannerism and have a good company of peers. Hence, i was famous and likable by everyone, i was confident and a risk taker since my childhood and i never cared about what people think of me, because of which people started liking me more. It was a co education system, alot of boys liked me and tried to approach me in school not because i had looks, or styles or anything else, but because of the fact that i was smart, brilliant, communicative and a decent person.
One of my F1 friend who was not good looking and not interested in studies...he showed interest in me and we did friendship (innocent one) ... i think it was a childhood infatuation, friends started naming our relationship but we were friends, i avoided thinking about it because i knew its not the right time for these things, then he moved on and so did i.
he and alot of other prospective guys from my school called me at my home just to keep in touch and continuously updated me or my family about their jobs, education and progress. but i ignored their calls cause i knew that they were not my destiny and it was not the right time (pls dont take it wrong, in my family all my siblings had friends from both genders but in limit). My family is educated and decent my parents always kept an open mind, trusted their kids and always gave us opportunity to explore the world. Although rest of my family is very religious im still struggling with it.
Even in university i didnt contact any guys because of my nature. I do not approach people even if i like them because i have this sense from Allah Tallah which talks to me inside that what is wrong and what is right. By the way i did not tell you that i have an extra ordinary sixth sense which always helped me and helping me in my life thanks to God.
When i was in university i completely focused upon my studies and made sure that i do not have many friends, but it all suddenly changed when i met this guy F2. He was a good person, very sensitive, emotional and sentimental. it was a turn over of my life.
I realized that im in true love. The love which i seek and i want to give to someone, which is without any lust or desire, F2 loved me too we had good few years with each other, our families knew that... but then we started fighting with each other on tiny tiny things, our families were aware of this fact and they suggested us to be separated after which we went to our separate ways.
Before me F2 also liked her 2nd cousin since childhood but did not get along about which i knew but of course it was not a big matter for me because i loved him. After many years we contacted again, in between sometimes he called because he was not in the country so i relied on him to contact me from where ever he is.
Although we were not in commitment but we still remain in contact. I got busy with my life, i finish my education, found a job and explored the world and got progressed. I was damn busy in my life when i heard that F2 got married. It was a difficult time for me ...for the whole one year i tried to digest the fact that he is someone's husband now... After that alot of other guys took interest in me and i introduced one of them to my family too because i knew that i had to look for my self now. i did that but that guy was again after my job and money because of which my family rejected him so did i.
All this time i was extremely satisfied and thankful to Allah that he gave me a brilliant professional life, my family life and relationships were always shaky so for that i expect less but i worked hard on it just to get a good family and relationship life too.
I was busy in my life when F1 contacted me and told me that he got engaged i was happy for him because he deserved someone good, but then he continuously tried to talk to me and tried to make me realize that im his FIRST LOVE i think less of him because of his education and looks and because of my rejection he got engaged and did not try to contact me again.
i got disturbed with this and i told him that it was not the case. My family never ever accept him because he was not settled and not serious enough to get hitched with me and i knew that it was a no from my family because of which i interrupted and stopped him once and for all.
Surprisingly after he got engaged not only he got a good job but also modified his personality amazingly. His wife-to-be was prettier and younger then me so i felt good for him but he tried to contact me and tried to convince me that im still his first love. but it doesnt matter to me anymore he was engaged.....his story was ended, but he still tries to contact me and convince me which i didnt like at all.
In the mean time F2 contacted me again and i heard the bad news that he got divorced with his first wife....he was going through a tough time. i realized it and i tried to console him but of course i knew it was not a piece of cake.....people spent their lives just to take themselves out from this DIVORCE trauma and he was already very sensitive. i felt bad about him, i started talking to him he was also finished with his education and stuff and into his professional life.....
i felt glad that he is now settled and will get better.....he showed me his feelings that he is still interested in me but i was not in mind to talk about it...... he was my good friend and my first love so i always placed him in that peak place where i always kept care and affection for him.....no matter what our families said and done.....no matter what bad we did with each other i still wanted him to be happy...... but then i realized that he is still interested in his first love his cousin. For me F2 was my first love, he knew it big time and he always enjoyed the time i waited for him......
15 years and its still a phenomenon for me to understand that why i love him why i still think good for him just because it was my FIRST LOVE?????? B******t.
My family through out this time remain patient enough to guide me whats wrong whats right....right now i dont have any intentions to get married with both of these guys though they remain my good friends and taught me that FIRST LOVE is important for life....but what i never understand is the person F1 for whom i was the first love why he never waited for me long enough and established himself when i wanted to him to do and why F2 got interested in me in the first place when he never left his First love his cousin...????????????????????
Why an educated, professional, honest girl like me who was confident and patient enough to accept the tough realities of life never get shattered with all these blame games and injustices....why these guys always play games with girls who are honest and loyal to them..... I dont say that i am free from any weaknesses ....
i know that i acted immaturely, irrationally sometimes and sometimes made wrong decisions but still at least i stick to the person i liked in my life, i remain loyal to him, i never lied to him, i waited for him 15 long years, i tried to make things better for him, i accepted him even when he is at his worst.....then why not a GIRL can get her first love .......who will give me back those 15 years i unintentionally invested on that guy???????? and why he came back to me????? for sympathies and support after his divorce but what about me????????? am i a human or a robot??????
Right now professionally im at my peak, people and my family idealizes me and assume that im leading a marvelous life but inside they are unaware of my pain my agony....people call me a smiley face and an honest heart but what they dont know is that its filled with tears......i am full of emptiness....i prayed and i prayed ....i lost hope then i again trusted Allah and then again got disappointed...... but now with all this agony and pain in my heart.......with teary eyes and a painful past i have learnt that only Allah made me strong and stood fast all this time......
Finally i have told my family to find someone suitable for me and i will follow their decision....my question is why if we dont have courage, strength or fate we still wait for our LOVE which is not ours anymore.....why Allah do not remove them from our heart once and for all...... so that we can stop wasting our lives on these CRUEL, UNFAITHFUL people and invest our time on those who really DESERVE us.....
I am not pious person i know but with all the learning of my life i now understand that who is who and what is what? and still My Allah is kind enough to hide my sins and past and spare me from bad people......I pray that no body in this world should get involve in this FIRST LOVE thing....its dangerous, poisonous, immature, irrational .................its insane..............
I Pray from Allah Pak to give me strength and i ask you that what should i do with F2 and F1 when i am in the age when i can not KICK START my relationships with new people in a quick or get involve in childish affairs or courtships and specially at this time when the Marriages for girls are more difficult then anything???? ....i want your comments desperately!!!! thanks alot for reading my post 🙂
JazakAllah,
- Zubi
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Wa'alaykumsalam,
Masha'Allah you've reached a high peak in this world. I hope you are also on the same level with regards to religion as afterall, this world will persih and only religious knowledge and worship will benefit you in the next life.
Talking about ' Love ', its just normal for us to fall in love, its basically human nature. When we are young, everything around us is sweet and we desire everything. But there many kinds of love. The strongest and main one is called ' true love ', it has Allah's blessings in it and it comes from Allah, as someone in true love, loves for the sake of Allah. Others are called " love " and covered in lust. All the rest are from satan to deceive humans. Know that satan is our biggest eternal enemy, he can trick ignorant people very easily. Not ignorant in life but in the matters of religion.
You sister, missed a command as You're sixth sense didn't warn you or may be you weren't aware. I hope that you've read the whole Quran and understood its meaning. Its important for your life and the next. Allah commanded us to " Lower our gzae ", if you had done that, you obviously wouldn't fall in love with somone you dont see. This is how Allah's wisdom works. But we dont take heed. You wouldn't be in this situation now if you took heed.
Quran- " and tell to the believing women to lower their gaze, guard their modesty and not to display their beauty "
In Islam, pre-marital relationships are forbidden. That means boyfrind-girlfriend system is forbidden. In Islam, talking to non-mahram male ( stranger male ) is forbidden initself. Female should never make friends with male and then have to observe complete hijab. As generally making male friends is the first step to future problems.
If you had followed Islam in its whole, you really wouldn't be where you are now. You wouldn't have wasted 15 years for that guy, you wouldn't have 'first love' other than your husband to be etc but we are humans and we make mistake. So we repent and come back to the straight path.
You see, Allah have perfected our religion for us. Islam is a complete and beautifull way of life. There are rules and we have to abide by the rules. When we transgress, we have bought ourselves problems. Simple as that. So a person of your calibre shouldn't ask a question like " Why didn't Allah just remove the love away from my heart once and forall? ", because as I've already said " as you sow, so shall you reap", this " love " that you're talking about, you bought it by yourself. Its your mistake and so now only you can correct it with Allah's help. Dont worry, that love will fade away. But you have to do somthing.
Right now be a practicing pious muslimah. This is very important for your next life and attainment of paradise. Stop communicating with non mahram male. Stop making friends with male colleagues as opening door to lesser evil WILL allow the greater evils to slink in. Dont be in a relationship again as it is forbiden in Islam and you will be in this situation once again. Cut off ties with ' F1 ' and ' F2 '. Talking about F1, he seems a desperate guy, even after engagement, he tried to flirt with you many times and this attitude is bad. I request you to never contact him and never receive his calls. Forget him. About F2, well he loves his cousin still, he is now a divorcee, who knows what is his real reason of divorce. You are such a wonderfull girl, who guarded her honour. You have self-respect unlike other girls. You preserved your chastity and remain an innocent muslimah all your life. You are 1 in a billion good muslim. You deserve a pious rightous man who fear Allah, respects you and much more. F2 dont deserve you. To make that love feelings fade off from your heart, all you have to do is forget F2 guy, never again talk to him. If you continue contacting him, your illegal love for him will only grow thus displeasing Allah further. There is really no need to have male friends trust me. Let him by himself recover from his divorce.
Pray the obligatory prayers regularly. Be good as usual and perform salat al isthikhara before marrying somone as Allah will guide you Insha'Allah. And Insha'Allah your sixth sense will warn you of the wrong you will do this time round.
We as muslims have Allah with us, no one else have. We should be proud of that. If we have good relationship with Allah, then ourlife would be successful. We are in this world just to worship Allah so that He can reward us with eternal paradise insha'Allah. Whatever we do, do for the sake of Allah. Even if we love somone, it has to be for the sake of Allah. As in the end, everything on the face on the earth will perish, only Allah remains. We must live, spend, die etc for the sake of Allah. Only then will Allah be pleased with us.
Quran, Al Rahman- " Whatsoever is on the earth will perish and the face of your lord, full of majesty and honour will remain forever. "
So I wish you all the best, be patient, make a good decision insha'Allah.
mashallah. what a polite and kind reply. May Allah bless you brother ALI.
dear sis Zubi,
asalamalikum,
i can't put it in any other way better than brother Ali.
just keep saying to your self all the time, everything happens by the will of Allah, what ever hits you was never to miss you and whatever missed you was never to hit you.
you have got the right brain and the right heart, use it to know Allah , to get close to HIm, he will inshallah get you out of the state you are in. hand yourself to Allah, you will feel so free and light.
visit yasmin mogahed website for some very inspirational talks/ writings. she has addressed exactlywhat you are asking ........ how to free oneself from these shackles. inshallah you will benefit.
Allah is with you , hold on to HIm strongly.
Dear Zubi, Asalaamualaykum,
What is very important to remember is that everything happens for a reason. We do not always know the reason behind it, but Allah knows as He is The Greatest Planner and in Him we need to place our trust.
Fifteen years of your life have passed by you. So don't waste anymore of your precious life on trying to figure out why so and so didnt wait for you and why so and so realised how he felt when it was too late etc. None of that is important. What is important is that after everything, YOU are still standing, breathing, living, you still have the belief, emaan, a good job, a home, a loving family, friends - Alhumdulillah!
And what is even more important is to realise that these are all Blessings from Allah. Allah chose to give you all these things. And Allah chose to save you from marrying the wrong people too. Perhaps He(swt) is testing your patience? Perhaps He(swt) is testing how long you can withhold your physical desires for? Perhaps so many things - we don't know. But Allah does - and in this you, I and we must all have trust.
I too have met potential marriage partners in my life and after time and effort, things have fallen through, it has not resulted in marriage. And I have come away feeling absolutely exhausted and broken. I too have asked - 'WHY?'. Why does Allah bring these people into my life if all I am going to be left with is heart ache? But over the last few years, I have begun to realise that it has all been a true blessing. Through my experiences, Allah(swt) has refined my character and so I am extremely grateful to Him(swt) for this. I believe He(swt) has a Plan for me and I am watching it unfold as we speak - and again I am truely grateful to Allah for this.
***
So Sister, clear your mind of these two men. With the history you have had with them, it is in your best interests to omit them from your lives. It really is not right for a Muslim woman to keep such close friendships with non-mahram men anyway. While they are still lingering in the background, you will always want to curl back into your comfort zone and turn back to what you find familiar and hearing these non mahram men tell you they want you back or love you will confuse you and stop you from moving forward. Make a fresh start. Move forward with Deen as your Protection and Weapon and watch how Allah lightens your heart and gives you the energy that you need and want.
So come on girl, time to get some zest back into your life. Focus on your relationship with Allah first. Learn your deen. Pamper yourself, cut your hair, have a facial done, go to the spa with the girls, take up a hobby, join the gym, do something you enjoy, take a weeks leave and go on holiday to a sunny country and most of all look forward - not backwards.
Insha'Allah, His(swt) plan for you is already beginning to unfold.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamoalaykum sisterZ,
I liked your post above and really want to imply in my life as well. out of curiosity I am asking are we girls allowed to cut hair? as I have heard many things that we are not allowed or it has to have length of our upper body( u knw what I mean) to cover it when we die.
Are we allowed to cut hair?
Dear Maheen
Yes females are allowed to cut their hair, as long as it does not make them look like a male.
It is also important to observe hijaab.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Zubi,
accept my salaam from the bottom of my heart,
From reading your post, i became angry at you and i am also really proud of you.
I am really proud of you and congratulate you for all your accomplishments in life and that's something when you grow old and look back still can feel the hardship you went through to attain your goals and the feelings f accomplishment you felt afterwards. I hope you try as hard if not more in also attaining Jannah and the pleasure of your Lord swt.
but i am angry at you for wasting 15 years of your life which none of these guys can never give it back to you! please sister do whatever it takes you to move on from both of them as they have moved on years ago.. do you think if F1 and F2's relationship with their wives worked out that they would still contact you?
Sweetheart do not let your precious heart ache for these guys as they don't deserve you even 0%... I highly envy your patience, May Allah increase it for you and give you someone that deserves you, not just any-man.. Don't let another year pass you while thinking of them. Trust Allah and leave all your worries to Him.. Pray to Allah to give you righteous partner,, wake up the third part of the night and cry out to Allah and Allah stw will never let you down.... Read Quran daily, fast as much as you can and always praise Allah and make dua...
But please sister promise yourself to move forward,, when you wake up everyday promise yourself that your not gona think of the past but will only focus on the future,,, i know it's not as easy but with prayer and patience you will find it easy Insha'allaah..
I will keep you in my Duas..........
Salam alaykum sister,
I understand your situation. I understand it wholeheartedly. I can't get over my first and only love. Now I know it is haram, but when I got into a relationship with him I was a Christian. Guys have liked me before but I never listened to any of them, I behaved good and listened to my parents, didn't show much skin and I would rather cover myself up; even when I wasn't a Muslimah I didn't want to go out with many guys, and I wanted to get married with my first boyfriend.
So one day I met this Muslim guy, we became friends and eventually fell in love with each other, and alhamdulillah he introduced me to Islam. After some months we started having little fights now and then, and eventually we broke up. After the break-up we kept the contact and constantly had fights for weeks until one day we could talk in peace again. I am his first love and he is my first love, however I don't know if he still loves me. I think that being with him even if it was haram was destiny, because that way I became a Muslimah. I just started to do istikhara dua to ask Allah swt if he's good for my deen in this life and the next; if not even if it's painful for me, I will cut contact with this guy.
I will keep you in my duas so you can get over him. Trust Allah swt, because even if you love F2 so much as I also do with my first love, he will send a good Muslim man when you are ready inshaAallah.
Assalaam alaykum sister.
You know what? I smiled as i read your story. May Allah reward you patience and forgive your sins. Strive for your soul, don't let yourself fall on the same mistakes again. Allah is surely with you. His plans are better than your dreams. I can't say much, 🙂 May Allah guide you.