How do I settle my differences with my husband as a wife in the light of Quran and Hadith?
Asalam alaikum warahumatullah wabarakatu bros and sisters in Islam.
I got married three years ago. I made a choice to marry my husband for nothing else but his dedication to Islam that I had seen. At the time I was earning more than he does but it was not an issue to him. We now have two lovely boys aged between two and half and four months. While I was expecting our 1st son, I was so sick and spent most of the time with my parents and abandoned work. I was hospitalised about 4 times from my 7th month of pregnancy. At the time, my husband only paid my hospital bill only once. My mother looked after me in hospital while I gave birth. Because I was frail, he agreed I go to my parents home but he sent no support the time I was there.
When our baby was 2 months, he lost his job and therefore income. I had to cut my maternity leave short to fend for all of us. I often would give him financial support for errands he needed to run just so he had any. I contributed half of the money to enable him open up a business so he could sustain himself and family. On so many occasions he felt useless but I comforted him and made no complaint. He now got another job plus the business. We have had our 2nd child. My problem however is that he has never thought it viable or a duty for him to take care of the boys. I care for their special diet, their clothing and medical. He gives us shelter and food for the household of late whilst inadequately but I have had to live with that and I deplete all I earn to give the boys and him sometimes comfort.
Since I had the 1st born, he complains I do not give him adequate attention sexually. On several occasions we have discussed it and he says he understands I have a low libido. granted!, I will not pretend that I have always heeded to his sexual desires as he requires. I have however made an effort to submit. However, he will not heed to having a shower before he has sex with me. I have complained and he says he will not have conditional sex. He has said before he will be pushed to adultery and all blame will be on me and I will receive Allah's wrath for not heeding to his sexual desires and I will be blamed for his adultery.
He has even when I listened and had sex (even without his showering) to finding several sexual partners. I have seen the sms in his phones and the dialed calls he makes to these ladies. He has lied to some that he ain't married, others are told he lives apart from his wife because she lives in another country.
I have discussed all these issues with my husband, he promises to change though he won't admit his infidelity. I have whilst miserably consented to his sexual desires even if he hasn't showered but when I complained once, he said how come I have had sex before when he didn't bath. I almost forgot to mention that the sex we have is just for his satisfaction and never cares if I am satisfied or not.
I am beginning to hate myself and feel inadequate. I love my boys and want them to grow up in a home that is intact. How do I settle my differences with my husband? What does the Quran tell me to do as a wife?
Please advise me,
Nurab.
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Salamualaikum,
My sister, the relationship between a husband and a wife can be one of the most beautiful relations, if both give each other their rights.
Your issue that you pay for your children and he doesn't take care of them is a valid one. He as a Muslim husband is supposed to take care of his wife, and as a father, has to provide for his children also.
However, this is not happening. And it is difficult to convince him, because he probably depended on your high salary when he married you (that you would provide your children or even him if required).
Your children deserve parents who love each other and can do tarbiyyah together. They deserve a better life. So you should patch up and learn to compromise, than to ruin your lives for small matters.
My sister, you probably have a misconception, and that has become an amusement for the Shaitaan. Because he enjoys separating a couple.
But do not pay heed to him and make your relationship with your husband strong so that no one can shatter it.
The misconception is that you do not need to take shower before having an intercourse. Infact, the shower or Ghusl becomes Waajib, after the intercourse. You need not ask him to take shower before sex.
Secondly, his saying that you would be responsible for his adultery is not totally wrong. He will be held accountable if he does it, but you would be held responsible too, as he was supposed to fulfil his desire from you, and you denied.
Read there Ahadeeth and decide if you will be able to take it:
" If a husband calls his wife to his bed (i.e. to have sexual relations and she refuses and causes him to sleep in anger, the angels will curse her till morning." (Sahih Al-Bukhari Vol. 4 Hadith No. 460 & Sahih Muslim Vol. 2 Hadith No. 3368)
The Messenger of Allah (swt) said: By him in whose hand is my life, when a man calls his wife to his bed, and she does not respond, the One Who is in the heaven is displeased with her untill he (her husband) is pleased with her. (Sahih Muslim Vol. 2 Hadith No. 3367)
Narrated Taiq ibn Ali Allah's Messenger (Pbuh) said, " When a man calls his wife to satisfy his desire she must go to him even if she is occupied at the oven." (Al Tirmidhi Hadith No. 1160 & Ibn Ma'jah Hadith No. 4165)
Allah says in the Qur'an in Surah Rum, Aayah 21: "
And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for those who reflect."
Another Aayah from Surah al Baqarah, Aayah 187:
"They (your wives) are your garments. And you are their garments."
So, strengthen the bonds between yourselves, so that you can worship Allah together and earn His Pleasure.
Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam has commanded your husband to come to you and fulfil his desire, and do you deny it?
The following Hadith proves it:
“If anyone of you is attracted to a woman, let him go to his wife and have intercourse with her, for that will calm him down.” (Muslim)
The World is full of fitan, especially that of women, beautiful by face. In such a situation, if you husband goes out and sees a beautiful woman, wishes to have sex, but comes back home to fulfil his desire and calm himself down, what mistake is he doing?
My sister, do not give a chance to Shaitaan, to interfere in your love and your relationship.
His statement that if doesn't wish to have conditional sex is not justified, but understandable. Because men demand respect, just as women demand love and care.
Him calling other women is wrong, but don't you think it is because you denied him his right? When men do not find what they want, at home, they tend to in outside to find it.
Mistake is not only his, my sister, you have played a big part in this, too. You should both together sort things out. So, why won't you initiate. Insha Allah, you'll find the reward with Allah.
May Allah fill your life with love and happiness
Aameen
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
He should shower before having sex with his wife,that's just stinky and gross to come back from a long day and even bother to shower before getting intimate w his wife, just common sense
Depends, if he is not stinking and is not sweating, then no shower I guess. Islam doesn't say the wife should obey everything her husband tells her, of it's haram. But a wife has rights too, to be kept happy by her husband. So if ur husband can't understand u, well no choice sister. My wife is like that as well, I respect her requests. We have 10 kids now, 9 boys and a girl alhamdulillah.
Muhammad Waseem Saifullah sums it all up nicely. I only have a small addition to his reply:
You say your libido is low and that's why you don't want to have marital relationship with your husband. Maybe you could get a check up at a doctor, for example hypothyroidism. Or maybe it's something psychological.
I disagree with pretty much everything Waseem has said.
It is not a problem for you to ask your husband to shower before sex. How can a woman be expected to receive a man who is sweaty and smelly from the days work, or maybe has been with another woman even! And anyway, it's a very little thing.
I also don't think that you are to blame for his adultry. He has the option of marrying more than one woman if he wants, then why the sin?
I find it a poor excuse when a woman complains that her husband is seeing other women and does not shower before sex, that she has a low libido? Who knows, if the same woman was receiving the love and attnetion she needs, most probably her libido will improve also.
No one feels inclined to a man that does not love his children enough to support them fully financially, or who is grazing like a lost cow in pastures left and right.
If a man wants obedience from his wife, he should first be obedient to Allah and his laws.
Laali,
Jazakillah for your comment.
I said above: "Your children deserve parents who love each other and can do tarbiyyah together. They deserve a better life. So you should patch up and learn to compromise, than to ruin your lives for small matters."
Having shower before having an intercourse is not obligatory, but the wife may ask him to, but if this small matter is ruining their relationship, then I believe both of them should patch up and compromise on each other's faults. So why should the sister not begin?
This is what I had in mind.
Regarding the taking care of children, I totally agree that it is his responsibility. But if she reacts due to this now, then there could be more troubles in their relationship.
Further, when the wife is denying to have sex with him, yes, he does have an option to marry another woman, but he was taking another route, which was because he could not have sex with his legal wife.
For example, if a person asks his parents for money and they are misers. The son has an option to work and earn money, or steal from somewhere and use it. If he chooses to steal money, would the parents not be responsible atleast to some extent for his deed?
If a woman does not have the desire for sex, that does not become a valid reason for her to deny her husband his right. Please refer to the Ahaadeeth above.
There is no denial that she needs attention. But when both walk different ways and no one initiates, then it will lead nowhere but to destruction and further misunderstandings. Hence, I advised the sister to initiate and hope for the Reward from Allah.
This is my opinion. And Allah Knows Best.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Jazak'Allah kayran bro !!!
Wa Iyyaaka
Muhammad Waseem Saifullah: it is not true you could blame someone else for your own actions or sins. Even if your parents are misers, you have a choice like you said. And then you make a good decision or not. But that's up to yourself.
Allah (swt) says in the Quran:
"No person earns any (sin) except against himself (only), and no bearer of burdens shall bear the burden of another." (6:164)
Sister in Islam, Alhamdulillah, my belief in this Aayah and any other Aayah of the Quran is firm.
But the case I mentioned of the parents are supposed to provide for their children. If they do not find it and they ask for money, and they are denied, then the children steal, the parents would be responsible because they are supposed to provide for their children which they have not. THIS made them go out and steal, in order to meet their needs.
This is what I meant, when I used it is an analogy in the poster's case. I did not accuse anyone, sister. I just said that the husband and wife should give each other their rights. Just like the children have the right to take money to meet their needs, from their parents.
I pray to Allah that He Forgives me if I was or am wrong
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Whether parents are miserly or not, if the child steals then he is responsible for his own deeds.
Life is a test. We may be tested by our parents our spouses or our children. If our test in life is to deal with miserly parents then that's or test, if our test is to deal with spouses that have a different libido from us then that's our test.
We have to find our ways out of these tests by lawful means. We can't go around blaming everyone else for our sins.
Sister Laali,
I request you to first of all have a smile on your face. The purpose of this argument should not be just to shun someone because he or she does not have the same opinion as mine. Why should we Muslims hate each other due to these small issues? So, I thought why should I not initiate trying to be kind and smiling. 🙂 So, please read this with a smile.
Now let me clarify. 🙂
My sister, you have mixed two different or perhaps related concepts. One is that of the punishment of one's own sin. As sisterinIslam quoted from the Quran:
"No person earns any (sin) except against himself (only), and no bearer of burdens shall bear the burden of another." (6:164)
And another is that of influence to sin
This is a matter in which, both the parties would be accountable. This is what I intended from the example I gave, and this is what I intended to say to the sister who posted this post.
I said that the parents would be responsible, because the children sinned, because of their parents who did not provide for them. And you said it is the children who are the ONLY responsible parties and nothing is upon the parents.
This is your view of justice, and that is my view of Justice. Now let us see what is Allah's view of Justice, with an example, because Allah says in Surah ash Shura, Aayah 10:
And in whatsoever you differ, the decision thereof is with Allah (He is the ruling Judge). (And say O Muhammad to these polytheists:) Such is Allah, my Lord in Whom I put my trust, and to Him I turn in all of my affairs and in repentance.
So, we better take the matter to the Quran and the Sunnah. 🙂
We know the story of Habil and Qabil. Two sons of Aadam Alaihis Salam. Qabil killed Habil, on the issue of which sister to marry.
In the Quran, Allah says (Surah Maaidah)
27. And (O Muhammad ) recite to them (the Jews) the story of the two sons of Adam [Habil (Abel) and Qabil (Cain)] in truth; when each offered a sacrifice (to Allah), it was accepted from the one but not from the other. The latter said to the former: "I will surely kill you. " The former said: "Verily, Allah accepts only from those who are Al-Muttaqun (the pious - see V.2:2)."
28. "If you do stretch your hand against me to kill me, I shall never stretch my hand against you to kill you, for I fear Allah; the Lord of the 'Alamin (mankind, jinns, and all that exists)."
29. "Verily, I intend to let you draw my sin on yourself as well as yours, then you will be one of the dwellers of the Fire, and that is the recompense of the Zalimun (polytheists and wrong-doers)."
30. So the Nafs (self) of the other (latter one) encouraged him and made fair-seeming to him the murder of his brother; he murdered him and became one of the losers.
Regarding this, Allah's Messenger Sallallahu 'Alaihi Wasallam said:
“None (no human being) is killed or murdered (unjustly), but a part of responsibility for the crime is laid on the first son of Adam who invented the tradition of killing (murdering on earth). ” (Musnad Ahmad)
What?
He murdered one, and not all the mankind. Then why is he held accountable for someone else's sin? It is because he INFLUENCED others to murder. This is the difference.
Imam Muslim narrated that Jareer ibn ‘Abd-Allah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “Whoever sets a good precedent in Islam will have the reward for that and the reward of those who do it after him, without that detracting from their reward in the slightest. And whoever sets a bad precedent in Islam will bear the burden of sin for that, and the burden of those who do it after him, without that detracting from their burden in the slightest.”
May Allah give us the most correct Knowledge
Aameen
Wassalamu'alaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
With all due respect, brother, I think there is a bit of a difference between theft under duress and zina. Islam does permit "stealing" things like food and other essential needs if one is in dire need of them, because they are not being provided by the proper parties or are otherwise unattainable any other way. When that happens, the stealing is not considered a sin and the person is not held accountable to it. If I remember correctly, whatever is stolen under those circumstances is counted as sadaqah toward the one from whom they were taken.
In the instance of zina, there are no conditions or circumstances under which it is made permissable. I understand what you are saying about influence, but the beautiful thing about that is that influences can still be resisted. No one is helpless to the influence of another, it can be fought against.
Again, I would like to caution everyone how this issue is approached, because like I said before there is no clear evidence that she has distinctly denied his marital rights. All of these premises are being made upon that assumption...but it can be no more than speculation. As believers, especially in Ramadan, we should give one another the benefit of the doubt that she did not wrong him in that manner. Just because he is not satisfied, doesn't mean she rejected him. Some men have very high and unrealistic standards and expectations in that regard, and that can certainly be the case here.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
sister Amy, I understand. I just used that as an analogy
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As Salamu Alaikum,
First, I am sorry sister Nurab for the irresponsibility of your husband. I believe, you have to protect yourself from him if he is doing it with other women, for your sake and the sake of your kids. There are a lots of diseases that modern science did not yet find any cure!
I agree 100% with you Laali because this husband is promiscuous, he does not shower, he does not help with his kids and brother is telling her that she should patch up. I am afraid that patching will not work with this husband.
In my opinion, she has to protect her self for herself and her kids. The guy is going out with other women, he may end up getting HIV, HEP C, HEP B, HERPES.... than what? Then there will be no daddy or mommy to take care of the kids.
Another opinion, I read several times that women should take care of themselves for their husbands, so why are we saying to this sister that it is okay for her husband to not shower? If he showers, may be she will be in the mood. Isn't cleanliness something that is loved by our religion?
ALLAH YAHDEENA ILA QAWLI AL HAQ WAL KANA MURAN
May Allah protect us and guide us to His path
Reader
laali , well said.
i share the same view.
No one feels inclined to a man that does not love his children enough to support them fully financially, or who is grazing like a lost cow in pastures left and right.
If a man wants obedience from his wife, he should first be obedient to Allah and his laws.
Salaams,
I read this post, and I do not see where this lady admits that she outright denied her husband's requests for sexual activity, although she is being responded to as though she did. She goes to great lengths to say she has tried to comply with his needs, asking only that he shower for her in advance of them getting together. This is a reasonable request, because women are to groom for their husbands before getting together as well. The sister only says " I will not pretend that I have always heeded to his sexual desires as he requires", which could simply mean she did not come to him "unconditionally" (about the showers) or initiate their liasons as frequently as he would have preferred.
Let's not forget that it is the husband's Islamic duty to entice the wife with foreplay if he wants to be sexual with her. The Prophet (saws) is reported to have said "One of you should not fulfil one's [ sexual ] need from one's wife like an animal, rather there should be between them foreplay of kissing and words." (on the authority of Anas ibn Malik). From what this sister is saying, the husband has made no attempt to "help" her feel more inclined to him, but he is unilaterally expecting her to comply with his wishes. This is called being selfish.
I would also like to point out that there is no substantial proof that he is in fact having intercourse with other women; this is the poster's surmise. The only evidence she has given is that she has seen text messages or phone records that he is talking to other women. This may be as far as he's gone with such interactions, but that still doesn't make it right. So it may be that there is nothing more for him to admit except he is talking to other ladies when he shouldn't be.
All in all, I get the picture of a very selfish man- a man who will take his wife's rizq and generosity to help him start his own business, and feel no obligation to reciprocate or care for his children per his Islamic duty as a father to do so. This is a man who is being uncompromising in their intimate life, and is willing to go outside the bounds of marriage in talking with other women, but yet come and blame his wife for doing it.
Let's clear something up right now: a man is not FORCED to cheat or commit zina. Even if he has the worst wife in the world, and a wife who refused to ever be intimate with him, he still has the choice to sin or find a halal way around it (taking another wife, divorcing the wife, etc). She cannot be blamed under any circumstances for the choices he makes. There are plenty of men who have put up with wives who have denied their sexual rights, and have NOT cheated or done anything sinful in response. For this husband to try to turn this back around on her, and for anyone to agree his is right to do so, is ludicrous.
Sister, what I see in your situation is a glaring inconsistency. You married this man because of his level of iman and devotion to practicing Islam. However, since you've been married he's managed to throw off many major responsibilities that he has as a Muslim husband and father. A man who prays regularly, but doesn't treat his wife fairly or willingly neglects the financial care of his children is a hypocrite. Granted, we are all hypocrites to some degree, but the litmus test is this: does he want to move beyond the place he's in, and start taking up his responsibilities, and treat you as an equal partner in the bedroom, or is he content to stay where he's at and expect you to do anything he requests?
I can tell you, a marriage with someone willing to do the first has a chance. A marriage with someone who is doing the second will eventually spoil and die. These are the factors you have to look at, and decide what type of home your children should grow up in. As they get older, they will start seeing what's going on for themselves (especially if his liasons with other women increase and continue). Is that the role model you want to have for them as men? Do you want them to learn that a wife's role is less important than a husband's, and that a woman should do everything for a man while he doesn't reciprocate at all? How would you feel to see them treating their future wives the way you are being treated?
These are all real questions and aspects you must consider. A lot of people write in to us hoping that with time and patience things will change, but I've yet to read a post where that actually happens.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam alaikum,
Thank you for your post sister Amy. I was very disturbed to read that the husband does not fulfill his wife's desires and yet she does not supposedly fulfill his, his answer is zina. Is not obligatory on the husband to fulfill his wife's desires first. I am married to a man for 10 years who has never been able to fulfill me once, depends on my income/medical benefits etc, and so much more and yet I am so supposed to be an even more loving, caring always happy wife. I bet if this sister's husband flirted with her, showed her some care, her libido would be fine. I mean seriously, who wants to be intimate when you know that you will not be fulfilled and instead left rejected and aroused?
I do not think these things were addressed--I think the sister has a very tough road ahead of her and it comes down to what is best for the children? I do not even know the answer to this, as I'm facing some of the same problems.
men are the maintainers and protectors
I love Amy's reply