Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel guilty – should I tell my husband?

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When I was age of 17 I loved a boy a lot and he also loved me. We did sex before marrage many time. We had many insecurities and he was talking to another girl, he said I had many boyfriends... we would fight many times for that reason.

I shared my room with my younger sister. One night he came for do sex with me at my home and I went to sleep after doing sex. I was asleep in bed - one side of me was my boyfriend and one side of me was my sister. Suddenly I woke up feeling thirsty. I saw my boyfriend's hand pass through my back and moving on my sister's chest and I thought she was also awake and enjoying. But when I pushed him away to me my sister turned and pretended she was sleeping (my sister had a boyfriend too at that time).

Me and my boyfriend were fighting a lot at same place but she sleep till morning... Then I decided to break up. I tried to divert my mind with a new friend but couldn't. My boyfriend apologized  and said what happened that night was an accident. He was sleeping and it happened in between sleep.

I did many things to move on but I couldn't, then I forgive him. One night when I was doing sex with him, I called the name of my friend to make my boyfriend jealous.

After on and off, then when I was 18 I got married with boyfriend - that time he was age of 21 . We did a love marriage. His family was not agreeing for our marriage. He got married with me without his family - this meant he had no job and no place to stay... After nikah I said to him to do job and arrange home then my parents would do my rakhtai... He started to do job. When his family knew about our nikah they threw him out from house so he had no place to live. I talked to my parents to call him and live in our house.. We start living in my parents house.

My sister and my husband enjoyed each other's company a lot. I got bored - he called me for sleep in room but that's it. One night we were playing ludo and I went in kitchen for make tea for my husband and my sister playing ludo. Suddenly my mom started to shout on angry mode. On my husband to do job not waste time etc. I don't like my mom to behave like that. I shouted, my sister shouted, we all were in anger than in anger my mom says to my sister "why do you want to make your sister's home broke?" - they had a fight (big fight). I clicked some thing was wrong but I ignored.

Then after a month my parents gave me a house fully furnished. On the first night he  started beating me for no reason. When we were boyfriend and girlfriend he slapped me two times reason of shak. After marriage he beat me like hell daily - I have so much bruising in my whole body.. After that he says sorry to me.. Next day he'll do same again.. He beat me many times in front of my sister... And she only watches and says to him don't do that but she doesn't come to save me. Most of the time my sister would stay day and night at my home for no reason.

After one year we shifted to new home he take for rent. Than he would lock me in the house, come back at night and beat me like hell. Some times he do job, some time he left.. my family supported us financially a lot. All the day at home some time out for day and late night... Some time he love a lot and I would forget what he did the day before.

In between, my sister got a new boyfriend. I was happy for her. Most of the time she was at my home for reasons that she loves me or misses me or had a fight with mom. Many nights I would feel tired after drinking tea at supper (which was made by my sister). I would feel heavy sleep. One night between sleep I woke up and my husband was not in the room. I checked the room and the room door was closed. I went out by running and found that he was having water from fridge and sister was on the sofa using her mobile. I asked what are you doing? He said what happened, shouted to get me back in room and I fell into heavy sleep again. Don't know why.

Eventually I met my sister's boyfriend (for the third time) because they had a fight for some reason. He told me the reason of fight was my sister wanted to make him like my husband. My sister was saying to him: love like my husband, show possessiveness like my husband. I was shocked. When I asked her about this she denied it and in a few days she broke up with him for the reason that he is a liar.

Then office called my husband for trip to another city for ten days. Before going for the trip he beat me like hell and locked me in house before leaving to go for trip. Then my family were worried for me for no contact.. They came, broke lock and took me out.. I was in very serious condition - my body had so many stains, cuts, bruising..

My parents decided to take divorce or khula. After a week he came back to the city and came to know about that I am at my parents home. He contacted me secretly on cell phone and said sorry for what happened and that it would not happen again - he made promise. I refused his apology. I tried to move on but still loved him.

After a week I came to know I was pregnant... I told him and made reason to get back with him. I thought God want to give him chance. Because everyone changed after becoming father.

I talked with my family to give 1 more chance. My father agreed for one condition - I live with him in my parents house... Life was much better at my parents home. He still beat me but not that much. After a month my husband started again on same path. He didn't gave me attention. Get angry for no reason. When he beat me next day he love me care for me more than any one... Then again. I felt so lonely that I can't tell anything to any body. I started chatting on cell to unknown persons. It was a first step of I do cheating on him. Because I thought he also had many relationships outside and that's why he was doing this to me...

On 7 month of pregnancy he beat me and kicked me. For that reason I had a premature delivery on 7 month. I gave birth to baby boy. I said to Doctor call my husband and tell him about my baby.. He was not there say doctor.. My sister told me he is there at that side where girls hostel in hospital. I feel so pain to hear that hugged my baby and cried a lot. When I asked him where were you he said out waitng for person for money for hospital dues. God knows what's truth.

Than time goes on and on... He beating me and my two month baby too. Many time in night I saw my husband out of room to have water from fridge... I decided to take separate home from parents. (Now my sis have third boyfriend) whenever I tell my husband about my sister's boyfriend I feel he didn't like and after some month she have breakup. She told me the reason (he knows about my previous boyfriend by your husband).

We take separate home but in two months life is hell. I came again with my baby and husband at parents house. There were fights but little. (Than my sis have 4th boyfriend). Then I had a fight and my sister was there - my husband shouted first time on her. She told my father and take my husband out from home. My husband went to his mother and father home.

We have 6 month fight. First time I go susral everybody show love for me. I felt much better. But my husband couldn't come in my parents house without my sister's permission. Then my husband apologised for that. Then she allowed him...

Time pass like same... but now times change. Now my boy is age of 3 and many times same thing happened where I have heavy sleep for no reason and my husband will be out of room for Water.

But now I have my friend now - my phone friend. I am feeling happy n relax.. I tell him all about my life ( I skip all of I feel about my sis and my husband because I have no proof). I say him to help me to know about what my husband wants and what to think if he love someone else - I would just want to know. He says he loves me a lot and we do sex many time. He wants to marry me but without family. I refused because I don't want more incomplete life more.. etc

But now my husband is the world's best husband... He loves me a lot and is complete husband material... Or lover... And he says only I do sex with you no one else... I feel my past years are nightmares... So I feel guilty for reason that I hide my sex zina with some one. What I do should I tell him or not...?

kashaf seher

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14 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister,

    I think you need to focus on whether Allah swt is happy or angry with you. That will solve your problems--most of what you have written are relationship issues with little care and regard for Islamic values--I say that because it seems you feel guilty, but not because you fear making Allah upset, but because of your relationship with your husband now.

  2. Assalamualaikum,
    You really need to get down on your knees to Allah and ask for forgivness. You are talking about boyfrineds and extra marital affairs as if its a norm. It doesnt seem like you are upset over sinning, just worried about what your husband will think.
    First plz ask Allah for forgiveness and you your self will see the right solution. And if if things are ok with your husband now then no point exposing your own sins. Just stop having any contact with gahir mahram. This man who gives you advice, who is he to tell you this or that he himself has his own motive and if you need advice then talk to a friend or a female you trust.
    You need to stop having friendship with men. Whatever your husband did was not right but that gives no excuse to talk to other ghair mahram man and that too while you are married. Sister plz remember you have a 3 year old child now you should worry about his health and well being. That includes emotional well being. You would never want your child to have a bad image of you would you?
    If your husband has changed for the better then discuss your issues with him, with time you will be able to share a lot more. Sis plz i got very upset after reading your post, the whole boyfriend 1 boyfriend 2 boyfriend paragraph.
    You need to turn to Allah and educate yourself on how sinful all this is. You should be keeping your sister away from this too if you cant atleast reminding her how angry this makes Allah how much of a sin having "boyfriends" is. If Allah has kept your sin a secreat for you and you are not going to do it again then dont say anything to your husband, repent to Allah as much as you can and just focus on your relationship with your husband and child.
    Take care
    And Allah knows best.

  3. Pray for forgiveness (make tawaba), repent, and say nothing to your husband. If Allah (SWT) has cloaked your sin, don't reveal it to your husband.

  4. Astaghfirullah, what is this hapenning to muslims, sister are you following western culture, why do you need advice, why do you need allah when you have forget him. How can you do sex with non mehram when your sister was sleeping on same bed, it has aroused her and she and your husband may started doing this in your back. Very bad. This is what for allah told relationship before marriage will not give hapiness it is haraam. Over that you are doing sin after you have child also, it is time to wake up and please tell your parents personally about your sister and husband and also tell them to do her marriage preparations which will stop her finding boy friends.

    Sister ask forgiveness from allah, repent.

    • Dear Brother,

      Thank you for your advice. I hope you don't mind if I say that please do not attribute her behaviour/thinking to "western culture" because zina and the likes of it knows no boundary and exists in every country. shaitaan doesn't travel on a passport and he is free to travel all over the world to whisper in the hearts of every human being. Furthermore, there are plenty of Muslim and even non-Muslims who would not justify any of her behaviour whether it be in the West or not. Jazak Allah.

  5. Please stop your relationship with other guy, it may spoil your whole life if your husband will come to know. Don't tell him anything about it just stop it and start doing prayer regularly and avoid your sister to visit your home by any other reason. Finding a good guy is not easy sister, everything which is white is not milk, and everything which shines is not diamond. Only allah knows what is good and what is bad to us. So follow principles of allah and rasul allah.

  6. I still cant get over the bed scene and the boyfriends!!!! What is this world coming to. Do your parents know about your sisters boyfriends? Its such a shame.
    If your husband is great now then why why are you still in contact with another man?!! You talk about zina like its a walk in the park.
    I dont mean to sound so mean but you need to realise how wrong all this is !!
    I dont want to attack you or point fingers at you but you really need to wake up repent, stop contact with the other guy and sort this issue out with your sister.
    Take care

  7. Sex Sex Sex

    husband doing sex with your sis and other girls.......

    You are/were having sex with other men..........

    Betrayal life....

    I am not giving any advise.....Just see your self in mirror and ask yourself...... Am i human? Do i have limits or you guys crossed every limit.......

    Try to fix yourself 1st then try for your husband........

    I am surprised how normal for you guys having sex with any one....... No respect for relations....

    May Allah Guide us Allll!!!!!!!!!!

  8. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,

    I don't think the right questions to ask are, 'is your sister good or bad, is your husband good or bad, is your lover good or bad, have your parents failed you, have you failed yourself, should you tell your husband- yes or no'.

    No- I would say start with this question, Sister. Who are you?

    You will not live forever. What will your life have been when you die?

    Will you be the woman who fell in love here and then there, and was betrayed by this one and then the next one?

    Consider yourself. Look deep within yourself. What is the gift Allah has given to you to share with us? Find it and then bring it out. I am not telling you a simple thing. I know. But when you focus on this very big, very personal task, the answers to all the rest of your questions about everyone else in your life will just come. The truth will pour itself onto you, when you discover your true self, Insha'Allah.

    all the best,

    Hana

  9. Assalaamualaikam

    While what has been going on between you and your "friend" is not acceptable, I also have concerns about the other parts of your tale.

    From what you've written, it sounds like you have concerns about your husband's and your sister's integrity, and about the way your husband has been treating you and your child. Regardless of the situation, there is never an excuse for a husband to physically abuse his wife and child!

    You mention having thoughts now that the past years could have been nightmares. If you are genuinely unsure as to whether things happened that way, then I'd advise you to speak with a trained counsellor, as they can discuss things impartially and help you make sense of them. If you instead mean that you want to forget that they happened, I'd advise against that. What you describe is a past where your husband has been physically and emotionally abusive, including trapping you in a house (what if there'd been a fire, or other emergency?!) and causing significant injuries to you. While people can change their ways, one of the best predictors of future behaviour is past behaviour - I'd be concerned about whether you will be safe with this person.

    As Muslimahs, we should not be engaging in private communications with non-mahrams and we certainly should not be involved in zina. It's important to stop this and repent for it - haraam things only end up making situations worse and more complicated, while if we try our best to keep to halal, then the path becomes clearer, inshaAllah. I'd suggest that you politely but firmly break off contact with your "friend" and take steps to ensure you don't end up in similar situations again (eg. avoid social networking sites, change your mobile number and don't give it to non-mahrams). Ending such relationships can be harder than it sounds, but place your trust in Allah that He will guide you and help you stay strong.

    If you have been having sex with this "friend" (in person), then you will have been placing yourself at risk of picking up a sexually transmitted infection - if you have a sexual health clinic or a doctor's clinic near you, it's important to go and get checked out. Most of these can be easily treated if caught early. It can be scary to think about these things, but it's better to get checked out and know that you're healthy, than to not know and have problems later on.

    As for telling your husband, we have been told that we should not reveal our sins when Allah has concealed them for us.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  10. The other brothers and sisters have really given you good advice regarding your dilemma but one thing that has me on edge is the whole feeling drowsy after having tea made by your sister. Does she always make you tea. Something seems suspicious here and I think its important to check it through. I dont know why but you come across as being drugged maybe something is mixed in your tea. If you want tea make it yourself and see if its the same effect. If not then i think your sister making you tea and your husband not being there at night time is dodgy. Take care of what you eat and drink

  11. Dear Kasha,

    I am not sure if you are aware that there is a bigger picture behind of all your problems - you (and your family) are so far away from Islam; not only you are not following your religion but also you are lack of some basic moral values that even a non muslim would have.

    I am not sure if you are a muslim by name and if there is noone teaching you since you were young. Base on what you have written, you are lacking of basic guidance from your parents and you have no remorse on what you have done.

    For you "zina" may be only a term serves in Islam context. I don't know if you know the consequence of it. I hope at least you know you are committing adultery. Adultery is a big sin in Islam, in Christianity and is unacceptable even in a non religion society context.

    Sister, if you are sincere and I hope you will, please:
    1.Stop committing adultery now, cut off the relationship with your secret boyfriend.
    2.Draw a clear line between you and your sister.
    3. Recognize your wrong behavior -sins. For you, there are a long way to learn but first you need to recognize what you did is very wrong from the time you described as a teenager till now.
    4. Repent to Allah sincerely.
    5. Seek help in your local mosque. You need to learn your religion and so as your husband, your sister and your family. You are living in a dysfunctional family, you do not have a clear concept of what is right and wrong.
    6. Repent to Allah. Astafaallah. May Allah have mercy on you.

  12. you chose this life and now telling how miserable you have been?

    if you are not a troll, you will understand that its your fault and you and your husband will carry on like this till you become old and fed up with each other, end up lonely in an old age home, and most likely your child will repeat what his parents did to themselves and to their parents?

  13. Salaams
    U talk abt boyfriends and premarital sex and extramarital sex as if its the norm!! Ur even talking about your sisters 4th boyfriend!
    U really need to ask forgiveness from Allah and fear him
    Also im sorry but i cannot stop asking were are your parents I mean ur sister shes got boyfriend number 4 ! And uve slept in ur bed with your sister around with your wivout being married to him thats just wrong and ur speaking soo easily abt it
    Make this your wakeup call and try to live your life according to islam
    Read books about islam educae your self
    Ask your self is this da example u want to set for your son?
    As for that other worthless man hes a wolf in sheeps clothing

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