Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to be free from this marriage

Ring and shackle

Asalam Alikum

First of all I would really wanna thank to the people who have been doing a really great job advising people and helping them in their bad times.

I have also got to learn alot of things from this website alhumdulilaah I have never imagined of such things would occur in people's life and that's how I have felt that this world is nothing but a temporary world. those who have face injustice in this world remember Allah's watching u will get reward of ur sabr.

After reading soo many stories about marriages, after what I am going through in my marriage I have no hope to continue my marriage or no reason that I may wanna stay in this marriage. If I get divorced - which my parents wouldn't even wanna let me do it - even if I did I know my parents would be ashamed of me because of society they're gonna feel burdened cuz I have failed my married life and came stayed back like all girls do when they fail their married life.

The problem is my partner always applies Islamic rules for me. He has soo much problems with how I think and how I wanna have my life. My partner doesn't understand things can't be done forcefully in Islam. He doesn't apply Islamic rules for himself. I pray salah, I wear hijab, I read quran sometimes. I have posted some of my problems that I am having with my partner - u can refer to those posts what type of problems my partner is having .. He also have problem with me studying even when I promised that I won't talk to any non mahram person and it seems that he just doesn't want me to study or do anything.

He always says he can't keep me happy so it's better we end this relationship, not only once but all the time my partner told me this, so that we won't have any problems in later due to our thinking. And I just feel like I can't seem to stay with my partner because for every little thing he says let's end the relationship and whenever I tell my parents they tell me there are worse spouses than this . Like I really don't know to who should I ask help to. I just don't wanna stay neither with my parents nor with my partner in future. I just wanna kill myself sometimes, I know its haram but tired of this pain tired of having patience, I just wanna let it go I want my partner and parents stay happy I just dont wanna cause any of them in hurt.

Please please tell me any place where I can move down like a womens hostel or anywhere I can stay forever my life alone and study work. I guess that's the best solution so my parents don't have to deal me staying with them. After divorce I wanna stay alone, pray, work, study and that's it. I am literally having phobia of marriage. I just can't stay anymore like this. I wanna free myself and my partner.


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12 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    I'm sorry you're in so much pain due to this. Whatever you do, though, don't consider suicide - it's never the answer.

    If you and your husband haven't already, it might help to try some marriage counselling with a counsellor experienced in Islamic principles. Communication is crucial for a successful marriage, and it sounds like you and your husband aren't able to communicate freely with each other due to the difficulties you've been having. InshaAllah, with some counselling you may be able to explore some of the issues that have come between you.

    If after that, you both feel that you cannot stay married, it is important to recognise that being divorced doesn't mean you are a failure. Many successful people have gone through divorce - we don't think less of them, so don't think less of yourself. There is no reason why a person cannot go on to find happiness and success after divorce. Divorce isn't something any of us would necessarily want to have happen in our lives, but it is permissible for situations where a couple cannot resolve their differences and would find it intolerable to stay together.

    Before making any big decisions about your marriage, pray istikhara and ask Allah for guidance. May He guide you to what is best for you in this life and the next.

    Midnightmoon editor

  2. Asamalaikum sister

    Midnightmoon is right. It's best to try your best to find a solution before going through the divorce route. Maybe you can try to find someone to mediate between you. Someone respectable that is not directly involved in your family. It doesn't necessarily have to be a councillor if you're not comfortable with that.


  3. I am sad with your situation because Im in the same situation as yours, I finished degree course and even masters degree and my husband didn' even graduate high school, I always try to understand him but I always fail, our thinking was far from each other and i was always hurt by his mouthing, disrespectful and insecurity. Saddest part iswhile he was away from me he got married to an OFW who is trying to go back to the country where she work, and it seems like it was my fault, they use surrah in the Quran and telling me it is Haram to support a wife who is working..

    • What? Haram to support a wife who is working ? What planet are they living on! It's islamicallly the husbands role to support the wife financiallu, even if she works and has her own earnings, the husbnd has no right over her money! Argh makes me so angry when people mess about in marriage and make up false information just to get their way! Also, it is not your fault he got married again. He chose to build a relationship with another woman despite being married already and working on his current relationship. I can't really say much else because you haven't given much information.

      I sincerely pray Allah swt blesses your marriage and guides your husband, ameen.

  4. According to him he got marry again because I was not able to go with him wherever he goes, he want me to stop working, I didn't stop because his way of living is not halal and I told him that I want him to stop that kind of earning, I am willing to work just to support our family, it's okay for me to work and he earns small penny than I am as long as its halal, I am willing also to help his family. He agrees with me, he told me that he will just have a capital so that we can start a small business and stop his haram business we had so many beautiful plans, unfortunately it changed when he met this girl who is according to him is pure, never had any relationship before, I had relationship before but he was the first one who got my virginity and I admit that having relationship before is haram, I am already a practicing muslim before we got married and had regret all the things I have done in the past. But, he used it as an excuse, he said so many bad things to me, he even disrespect my mother. I still forgive him and tries to understand him until one day he went back to our place and bring with him the girl who is already pregnant that time. He look for a boarding house for the girl, he is also going home to me every night of every other day and every other day he is living with the girl. I try to understand him still because i really want to save our family. After more than 1 month of staying in our place he went back again to the other place where he had business because all the money that he has was gone because we are trying to build a house. While he was away all the properties that we had as husband and wives was left to his siblings and i think the house which the lot title was named to our daughter will be occupied by his family and maybe the girl when finished. I also help in the financial aspect of building the house and even in buying the car which is now in his elder brother. While he was away together with the girl he is no longer supporting me and he is not like before that phone calls most of the time..

  5. Again from what you have written, him marrying a second time is not your fault. It seems you were actualy trying to help him, to the extent where you were willing to take on the financial burden for him and his family to help him break away from a haraam career - he should really appreciate that. It seems you have already invested a lot financially, which again he is taking for granted. Basically, he is manipulating the situation and trying to justify his second marriage by wrongly placing the blame on you! You seemed to have shown alot of patience during this ordeal - I know how painful it must have been to see him with another woman, how insensitive and cruel of him.

    I'm not sure what the next steps should be, but I know that islamically if he has chosen to have a second wife he still needs to treat you both equally otherwise it is sinful on his part. Despite whether your working or not he still needs to provide for you. He also needs to give you equal time, emotional support, intimacy etc etc compared to his second wife.

    Do you have any family closeby? It's probably best to get your wali or respectable elders involved at this stage so that you don't lose out on your rights as his wife. Also normally I would say consider quitting your job so that he can take responsibility for you but in this case if his earnings are haram it will do more harm than good.

    May Allah swt guide your husband and bless your marriage, ameen.

  6. Also sister with regards to you having a relationship prior to marrying him is the past, it seems you were not sexually involved either. By the time you met your husband you had repented and were practising. If he has a problem with this he should have refused to marry you and found someone who was pure enough for him! At this stage where you have been a loyal wife, he has no rights to bring up your past to justify his current bad behavioir. Stand up for yourself sister and fight for your islamic rights as his wife.

  7. I did quit my job for 4 months after we got married but then he cannot afford to support our needs since his job is not permanent and just a business type, I am the eldest and I promised my grand mother that I will support for my sister's education until she finished college, he promised that he will support my sister just for me to quit my job but then he was not able to support and aside from that he has a very jealous sisters and they get jealous of whatever things he gave to me so what's more with my sister. When we went back home we live with my parents and when he told me that he already want me to work again I applied and easily accepted, but after a month he wants me to quit and that's not easy to quit because I might ruin my integrity and name especially that I am known in my line of work and I am one of the responsible for the betterment of our office. I live with my family now, he is away together with the girl for more than one month now and only gave money twice. I always asked him to support because we had one daughter and Im pregnant but he used me that excuse that it's haram to support a wife who is working without the consent of the husband. I am always praying that Allah will give me longer patience because I really want to save our relationship, I don't want to have a broken family and I want my child to grew up having the love of his father, but I am hurting myself so much. I really don't know what to do, he won't listen to anyone and he did embarrassed me already in front of our neighbors, he told me loudly that he want to divorce me, he always told me that but end up asking for forgiveness. I even don't know if our marriage is still halal since he always asked for divorce when he is so much in anger.

  8. Thank you so much for the response, I really appreciate it. Allah bless you always

  9. What does your family say about all this? Have they spoken with him? He just seems irresponsible and confused. This isn't fair on your or your children. Both families and you both need to sit down and have a serious chat - this isn't right.

  10. My family talked to him but not nothing happens and beside my family is just waiting for my decision, my father want me to divorce him but I don't want to decide easily for it will be a decision forever. My family and his family is not okay, my mother and his mother do not talk because when he courted me and asked the permission of my parents to marry me my parents don't want him because he already had bad reputation about girls but I insisted and told them that everyone has the right to be given a chance. Because of that his mother felt bad and so she wont talk to my mother, his family just follow his orders because he is the only one who can afford financially compared to his other siblings.

  11. I really don't know what to do now, he seems ignoring my calls when I ask him for financial support, even though I can support myself financially still it hurts that he supports the girl whom go with him and do not support us his first family. I discover also that he keeps on communicating his ex, I don't know now if he is just communicating with me just he same with how he communicates with his exes or he still care and love us...I always pray that Allah will give me guidance in my decision if I still need to hold on or give up. I really need good advice now, I don't know whom to ask ;(

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