Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m so confused about my husband’s intentions, should I seek Khula?

hijabi sister

I have following issues please advice:

1. My husband agreed to paid the mahr/dowry as soon as we would get home at the time of our nikah but he refused to paid when we got home excusing his financial position that our nikah still valid as the condition isn't fulfilled?

2. My husband was married before and I got to knew that after our wedding but he said he had divorced her already but I'm confused because they still see each other and she comes over our house in my absence my husband still provides her yet he doesnt provide anything for me.

3. I'm a student away from family and works only part time my husband doesnt want to work as he think it isn't his responsibility. I would have to share all the house expenses and to bear all my expenses as well which seems quite impossible now.

4. He doesn't even talk to me as he finds me weird because I'm jealous of him still seeing his ex. He sometimes even sleep in different room as we both are home most of the time but we dont even talk to each other as mostly he is busy doing things for his ex wife and yet he does nothing at all for me.

5. I have a possibility of being pregnant on speaking to him he went like its none of his business.

6. It was a love marriage but he has changed into a completely different person now my parents think I should seek khula or ask him for divorce as they think he isnt the person to live with as he tries to scare me by pretending as he is possessed by jinns etc. He just needs a maid for home to cook, clean and do washing.

I'm so confused about his intentions.
Please advice


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21 Responses »

  1. Salamu'alaikum,Sister, it is upon you to decide. But before you make the final decision, know that divorce is the only Halaal thing that Allah dislikes. I have understood that he does not give you your rights and is with his ex-wife even when he has divorced her (as he claims. If the delayed Mahr was agree upon during the pronouncement of the Nikaah, then the Nikaah is valid, he has the got to fulfil his promises about when he said he'd be paying it. But he should pay it as soon as possible.

    Secondly, you should ask him about the relation he has with his ex-wife. If he is still married to her or intends to get back to her. If he wishes to get back to her or is still married to her, then he should deal justly with both of you and treat you equally. But if he denies you your right, then maybe you can ask him to leave that lady go or let you go. And Allah knows Best.
    If he is dealing unjustly with you and does Dhulm (ظلم‎)‎ on you, then I think you have a reason to seek Khula' or ask for Divorce. But before anything of this sort, speak to your husband and clarify whatever you are confused about, and be bold enough to say either leave her or me, in case he has any relation with her.
    (May Allah forgive me for any mistake in my words. And May He save you from that mistake, if any.)

    This is my advise, and Allah knows best
    Muhammad Waseem

    • Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

      It is narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The most hated of permissible things to Allaah is divorce.” This hadeeth is not saheeh, but its meaning is sound: Allaah hates divorce, but He does not forbid it to His slaves, so as to make things easier for them. If there is a legitimate shar’i or regular reason for divorce, then it is permissible and depends on the likely outcome of keeping this woman as one's wife. If keeping her will lead to something that is contrary to sharee’ah which cannot be avoided except by divorcing her, such as if the woman is lacking in religious commitment or chastity, and the husband cannot set her straight, then in this case we say that it is better to divorce. But if there is no shar’i reason or ordinary reason, then it is better not to divorce, rather in that case divorce is makrooh. End quote.

      Liqaa’aat al-baab il-Maftooh, no. 55, question no. 3

  2. Salam,
    thank you very much brother Jazak Allah for the quick response and advice.
    i tried talking to my husband but he said he doesn't want her back neither he has any relationship with her he is just fulfilling some promises made before divorce to her.that gets me so confused about his intentions because he doesn't only see his ex but speak to other girls for hours as well when he doesn't even talk to me for few minutes.
    he goes out without any explanation and purpose for hours and never talks about where and with whom did he go when he doesn't even work.
    its not just about injustice between me and her,he doesn't even care when I'm sick he said go and buy medicine for yourself.I cant see any relationship between me and my husband except a marriage contract or as house mates that makes me think why is he still married to me?
    he dint even tell anybody in his family about being married to me and his family still speak and see his ex wife.the very important and hard thing is to talk to him as he never listens because he is even avoiding the conversation.

    • Wa Jazallahu Iyyaki sister.

      Maybe it is high time you involve your parents who would speak to his parents about this. He should be told that if he has interest in you anymore, he should agee to the Khula' or divorce you. But if he chooses to stay with you, he should abstain from the other girls including his ex-wife.

      May Allah keep you happy
      Muhammad Waseem

    • Dear Sister Salam,

      There is a reason Allah made Talaq halal, even though it is the most disliked halal action of all. There is a reason women are allowed to pursue Khula. Otherwise Allah would have not given us a right to divorce our husbands at all. But He did and admittedly He knows best.

      Mahr, accommodation, food, clothing, medical expenses, child support - A husband has to be responsible for a million things. A MAN has to be responsible for a million things actually because Allah made them physically and mentally stronger than us women. However to me personally the biggest reason for marriage is not food or children or mahr, to me the biggest reason to stay back with a man would be LOVE. And I may be wrong, may Allah forgive me. How can you grow old with a person who wont even speak to you? One can excuse their husbands and put up with their shortcomings and go hungry when they cannot earn enough knowing that in his heart, she is really everything.

      If a Muslim man loves his wife, he will not only give her the basic rights but he will treat her with honour. I do not want to encourage divorce but he is not giving you what you deserve then perhaps you should consult your parents, an imam, possibly his parents as well. 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 million years - some men sadly never change. May Allah help us all find just and loving husbands!

    • Sister my story is also like u
      My husband is not so fair with me as he was before merriage I am a 25 years old girl and he about 46 now
      It was a totally love merriage with a lot of opposition from my family
      But I don't know how I fall in love with him but I still love him so much n can happily live further if he stop his bad actings which hearts me and disappoint me
      Actually he was merried before with 5 kids
      But was not satisfy with her ex wife as he told me and his family also told me she was a lady of bad character
      And finally she caught red handed in relation with my husband's family friend and he divorced her.
      It's being 6 month pass to our marriage. From very first day that lady interrupting into my happiness by different was and conspiracies.
      And also using her children to capture and detrack my husband.
      And result is this now he does many thinks secretly from me like meet her kids in her home
      Talks with her
      I m sooooooooo possessive girl by nature I can bear everything from him even I said her to bring his children to me I will look after them but don't cheat me I can't hold this cruelty and get very loose heart n cries many many hours that my eyes start getting painful
      At start even before merriage he was so so so caring n tells me about all bass done by his ex wife which were totally true
      But now he have forget everything
      My all sacrifices for him
      My all wishes for Him

      N today I planned for khula
      N I know life without him will also like hell but its also miserable with him :((

  3. Salaams,

    Based on everything you have said, it sounds like there really is no marriage. You're right, you are more of a maid than a companion.

    He is doing many things wrong. He shouldn't be talking to his ex wife about anything, unless there is are children involved. It doesn't matter what "promises" he made before or after their divorce, once it's final she is non-mahram to him....just like all the other ladies he's talking to but should be leaving alone.

    Not only that, it is his marital obligation to clothe you, feed you, pay for housing costs. He is very ignorant to be claiming this is something you should do for yourself. Astaghfirrullah, where is his taqwah?

    Regardless of whatever you saw in him that led you to marry him, what you are seeing now is the real person. Is this the person you planned on marrying? It doesn't sound like it is, so why would you want to stay married to this person? I certainly wouldn't.

    If I were you, I would go to a local imam and explain that this brother has married you but has not fulfilled all the requirements and has not paid your dowry, and see if you can't get an annullment based on that. If not, it sounds like khula is a viable option if he will not give you talaq on his own. I hate to suggest these types of measures, but if he is not even going to provide for you as a wife, I can't imagine what he thinks his role will be as a father if you are indeed pregnant.

    -Amy Editor

  4. Wsalam
    Thanks everyone for actually taking time to read and advise.JZK
    i'm actually wondering that is probably the right decision but may be not the right time as i have been married for less than 3 weeks.all what my husband keeps saying is bloody pakis..I should marry another woman now.
    i find it really hard to express my feelings sometimes and he thinks i'm trying to hide as im cheating on him or something but the truth is we actually cant have conversation as he doesn't want to try and end up with bloody pakis.

  5. Salam Sister

    I think he just needs you for sex and households only. You marry him with no Mahr, and then no care, responsibility, no good communication, no job, and you must see him with his ex always. What kind of marriage is this?

    Before I said to a sister it is not wise to push her husband to divorce his wife who can't give birth, because her situation is in sad already by having no kid and then present this sister. But for you, you said your husband already divorced his wife means they are not halal anymore. If their divorce because of her illness, and he has promised to take care of her because of kids for example, he has limits for that. If they are not divorce yet, he lied then.

    It is funny to know he said that he was possessed by Jinn ect..if so..go asking help to Imaam or do Rukyah then ( reading Quran to vanish shaytaan ) and see what happen after that. Don't let him make excuses to run from his responsibilities as a husband and a future dad.

    In short, I agree with your parents. Alhamdulillah they care of your situation and insha Allah it is the best support.

    may Allah guide us always amin.

  6. Assalamoalikum Wr Br.
    I can't speak english .Can some wan
    translated if is possible , Please
    I write in Urdu .if some one can help .please help me .
    Because no one here beside me that i ask any thing .
    and all time i ask to Allah SWT to get any help form him Only .
    Meri Shadi ko 18 years ho gaye hen aur mere 4 childrens hen .
    Aur pichle 16 years se mere husband ka mere sath suluk achha nahi he.
    lekin itne saal yehi soch ke guzar diye ke mere huaband ka behavior
    ek din thik ho jaye ga Inshallah . Un hone mujhe har tarha se
    torcher kiya mantaly and phisicaly . pehle pehle to mujhe
    meri family ke tane diye kuchh saal tak , phir mujhe meri ammi aboo
    (family) se three years tak cut karwa diya . main un se nahi milty thi .
    phir is Dorran mujhe ye tane dene shuru kiye ke main bohot Badsurat hoon ,
    aur main bohot short hoon , (Aur Jo Bache honge woh bhi bohot short honge )
    us ke liye bhi bohot tang kiya ke maine tang ake
    unki dusri shadi ke liye keh diya ,aur unho ne second marriage karli .
    Us me un ki family ne pura pura sath diya , Aur Maine apni family walo se sab kuchh hide kiya ,
    now us woman se two kids hen . lekin mere husband ka abhi tak mere sath behavior thik nahi he .
    Ab woh mujhe har wakt tana dete hen ke main kuchh nahi karti hoon aur woh
    job karte hen to un ke samne kuchh na kahoon ,even ke family matters pe
    bhi na discussion karoon ,Bacho ki koi baat karti hoon to fight karte
    hen aur mujhe har baat me mere bacho ke samne bohot beizzat karte hen ,
    aur bacho ko mere bil kol khilaf kar diya hen , Mere bache meri respect bhi nahi karte hen ,
    aur bacho se kuchh bhi kahon to kehte hen app log bhi to larte rehte hen ,
    mujhe kuchh smajh nahi atti he ke kya karoon . Aur unhone canada ke law
    ki wajh se unki second marreage hide kar ne ke liye mujh se separation bhi dikha diya he ,
    form 2009 se ke hum separated hen .
    Morning ho ya evening ho jab bhi woh ghar pe atte hen fight kar te hen.
    Har waakt job ke liye rote rehte hen ke main job kar ke thak gaya hoon ,
    every year 3 months ke liye pakistan chale jate hen .kayi baar mujhe
    bhi keh chuke hen ke main job karoon aur woh ghar pe rahe . Aur un hone mujhe se
    yeh promise kar ke second marriage ki thi ke woh one year me uss woman ko chhor denge ,
    ek baby us woman se leke ,woh use divorce kar denge .lekin ab woh kehte hen ke woh ab usse
    nahi chhoren ge kion ke uss ke paas us ke kids hen . Mera trust to kab se unse uthh chuka he ,
    But main apne bacho ke liye Nibha rahi thi lekin ab to bohot ziyada fight karte hen .
    Itne gande gande word us karte hen bachhe bhi sun rahen hote hen ,
    And woh mujhe keh chuke hen ke main live karoon un ko phir main apne brother ke ghar chali gayi thi .
    Lekin apne bacho ke liye phir wapass agayi . Aur mujhe sexual bhi problem ho
    gayi he last 6 years se ,lekin phir bhi woh sex karte hen ,mere mana karne ke baad bhi .
    Mujhe bohot problem he doctor se bhi follow kiya lekin phir bhi abhi tak main thik nahi hoon .
    Kuch time maine unse Talaq ka bhi mutalla kiya , lekin woh kehte hen tujhe divorce leni
    ho to le le lekin woh mujhe divorce nahi denge . Aur Ab baar baar mujhe kehte hen ke Main
    Jahannam me jaoongi woh mujhe is tarha se ab torcher karte hen .
    Ab woh mujhe Allah ke khuf se darate hen ke unke samne kuchh bhi na kahoon .
    Bahir logo ke sath Bohot achhe rehte hen ,sab ke samne yehi dikhate hen ke main
    unki sath ziyati karti hoon aur woh mere liye sab kuchh laate hen sab kuchh karte hen,
    Yeh pehli baar tha jab main apne brother ke ghar naraz hoke gayi aur mere brother aur meri ammi ne
    mujhe wapas jane ke liye keh diya . Ke jo bhi ho tum sorry kar lo .Phir maine yesa hi kiya
    Meri koi ghalti nahi thi pehir bhi maine unse sorry kiya to phir bhi woh yese
    zahir kar rahe they ke unko meri koi parwa bhi nahi he
    Main five time namza parti hoon Full nakab karti hoon , My father is Immam ,
    Lekin sab se darte huwe kisi se kuchh nahi kehti hoon aur
    Allah SWT kehta he Sabar karo to main isliye Sabar kar rahi hoon .
    Jab main mentally disturbed ho jati hoon to kai baar maine suicide kar ne ki
    bhi koshis ki he ke meri jaan Mere Husband se chhot jaye , Itni dil dukhate hen ,
    Phir Allah se dua karti hoon ke woh mere liye koi rasta dikha ye ,
    Jab bhi talaq lena chati hoon to dunia walo ke bare me sochti hoon aur apne
    bacho ke baare me soch atti he . Lekin Ajj Is website pe sab ke masle dekhe to
    dil kiya ke app logo se help mangoon ke app log mujhe guide kare ke main kya karoon.
    Aur bohot si baate hen jo main online nahi bata sakti hoon .
    Kya mujhe still mere hasband ke sath guzara kar lena chahiye ya Main Khula le sakti hoon .
    Aur Khula lesakti hoon to kya process he mujhe bata ye ,Aur mujhe
    Mere bacho ke alawa unse kuchh nahi chahiye. Mera Hak-Mehar to woh pehle hi maaf karwa chuke hen
    Humari shadi ke kuchh hi time baad ,My husband hates my family .
    Is liye bhi main apni family walo ko involve nahi kar sakti hoon.
    InshAllah koi to Allah ke liye help kare .
    JazakAllah Khair

  7. Asalamu alaikum...

  8. I'm 3month s pregnant and my husband has cheated on me.wants to get separated. I have 12months old baby girl also.but I can't bear his torture.please suggest me what step to be taken

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