I´m involved with a separated man with a son, please help.
Few years back, I got involved with a guy. A few months later, he confessed that he is married with one kid. He was having very many issues with his wife and wanted to get out of that relationship.
We became good friends and discussed our problems to find better ways to handle it. BTW, I am now divorced and waiting for him. He left his wife last year and now lives in a separate home. Now, he is getting pressures from all directions to go back so that his son does not get upset. He is very close to his son. He knows he will never have a proper relationship with his wife but he is willing to go back to that place just for the sake of his kid. He did the same thing last year before he moved out. He left me to be all alone but could not handle his wife and came back to me.
How do I help him and myself from this mess? I want to save him from this mistake that has been recurring for years now. His wife asks for foregiveness and then he goes back and then she makes him angry with her behavior and then he gets upset and so on. I cannot live without him but I do not want to live like this way either. I want a respectful and halal relationship with him where I can support him morally. He sounds so broken and I am all broken inside so many times that I cannot think of another relationship anymore. I cannot live alone. I am asking Allah's guidance.
Is there anything else that can be done by me? Please, please, please, make lots of dua for him, me, and the rest.
AN
10 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Dear AN
This man sounds like a puppet. When his wife pulls the strings, he runs to her and if she doesn't he runs straight to you.
He definetly has issues with his wife which he needs to sort out first. Sister he needs to decide if he wants to be with you or his wife, although I would strongly recommend that he lives with his wife and sort their relationship out since they also have one kid together.
You have to realize what this man is doing here. He knows that you are always there for him, a shoulder to cry on when he has issues with his wife and when he's all lovey dovey with her, then he goes back to her and where does this leave you. ALL ALONE.
Sister there's only one way in which you can help yourself from this situation. You need to distance yourself from this man and let him decide what he wants. Don't force him to leave his wife and child to be with you. He could end up blaming you for their seperation. He needs to decide this on his own what he wants. Remember, you are not responsible for his actions and his mistakes.
You should be firm with him and let him know that you are not willing to engage in any unlawful relationship with him. You must distance yourself from him and let him make up his mind as to what he wants.
Rumaysa
As salamu alaykum ,An
Thank you for sharing, I agree with Rumaysa, what I can add it is the following,
After so many forwards and backwards, you are in your limits of energy, you have been feeding a relationship that doesn´t exist. He is a married man.
You deserve to love and be loved by someone that can offers to you what you are able to give, in equal conditions, look for a balanced and healthy relationship, you are just "the other", you deserve a man that can call you my wife and give you all the rights that you deserve, insha´Allah.
If you have a minute, please, have a look to the comment on this post, it will help yoo to see what to expect from a healthy relationship and how to increase your iman, insha´Allah.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/coincidence-or-connection/
All my Unconditional Love and Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with Rumaysa and Maria and I would add to sister AN that your behavior in this matter has been extremely inappropriate. This is a married man, and it sounds like you were married too when you met him. You should never have gotten involved with him.
BE HONEST. You say, "We became good friends and discussed our problems to find better ways to handle it. BTW, I am now divorced and waiting for him." Come on, sister. You were never trying to help him find a way to handle his problem, you were hoping to get into a relationship with him. If you truly wanted to help him with his problem, you would have advised him to get back together with his wife and see a marriage counselor in order to fix the problems with his marriage.
You may not realize that it is a great sin to come between a husband and wife.
The two of you are, by your admission, two "broken" people, leaning on each other for support, out of desperation. This is not a healthy relationship. There is nothing wholesome about it.
You say you are asking Allah's guidance, but in the same sentence you say, "I cannot live alone." Sister, I think living alone is exactly what you need for a while. You need to focus on your relationship with Allah, and on healing yourself from the bad relationships you've been in. You need to focus on your personal development, emotionally, spiritually and perhaps physically as well (exercise is a balm for the soul).
End your relationship with this married man and focus on your own life.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with Wael. It seems as if you are coming between husband and wife. And by saying " I am now divorced and waiting for him." That sounds as if you ended your marriage hoping tp marry him. You seem as if you want him to leave his wife for you. You should not have been involved with a married man in the first place. Forget about the wife for a second. How about that innocent little boy who will grow up in a broken home, because some other woman broke up their parent's marriage? It seems like this guy does want to return to his wife and try to work things together since they share a child, but you are th obtacle there hoping their marriage would not work out so you can have him. I think he would have moved back to his wife more easily if you were not in the picture. You also say he has problems, because of his wife's behavior. Does the wife know about you? She could have her suspicions. You could be the cause of some of their arguments, because he is cheating on her by being with you. It does not matter if they are separated, they are still married. Obviously he did not want to leave her otherwise he would have just simply divorced her and ended it for good. The fact that he separated from her shows he just wanted the tension to calm down between them and then return after everything eased down. You are making it difficult for him to do that. Leave him alone and don't be a home wrecker. Think about the little boy between them. Doesn't he deserve to live under the same roof with his parents?
As salamu alaykum my beloved brothers and sisters,
A wrote this to all of us:
""""First of all they had their issues even before my existence. According to his words, which I doubted most of the time, the wife could not be trusted the way he could trust me.
Anyway, I am finally out of this mess on my own. I caught him lying to me for a while and that brought everything to a big end from my side. The person who can lie to me for Allah knows how long cannot be loved or trusted by me anymore. Alhamdulillah and I am so grateful to Allah SAW that He has saved me from wrecking a marriage or any other blame. I left him for good. He cannot keep his words. Whatever has happened has put 'me' in tremendous pain, suffering, heartache and uncertainty ahead of me. But I am more than happy that I am no longer in a mess.
I am seeking forgiveness to Allah if I have made Him unhappy. Please brothers and sisters whoever is reading this post, make a heartful du'a for me so that Allah can save me from hell fire. I have a kid of my own and I never wanted to harm anyone's kid. I will never get over this and this will haunt me for life - but in the mean time, this will make me get closer to Allah and His foregiveness.
Each day and night is a test for me to pass - I am all alone still. I never thought I will be in this set of mind about this whole thing. I stopped all my communication with that person for Allah's sake. May Allah save me from hell. Please again I repeat to you all - make du'a for me so that I am not punished for this and may Allah let me make up for this mistake and sin. Let my path be closer to Him than ever.
I am going through a very tough time of fathoming the whole thing, repenting the whole thing, and realizing the whole thing. I was not someone's special or whatsoever, I was just a back up. Please ask Allah for me so that He will not punish me much for this. I was fooled here and there and I felt for someone that I should not have. I am not taking the easy way, all. I just wanted to let you know that never in my life I imagined for a second that I would be discussing such a matter with so many people on the net.
Please make good du'a for me all."
Thank you very much for sharing, Alhamdulillah, Allah(swt) has guided you to the Straight Path, Alhamdulillah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Good sister. I know you don't want to be alone and was clinging on this man hoping he can solve your loneliness. But just be patient and wait for the right one instead. I am glad you left him and allowed him to be free to reunite with his wife. You will find your own man, which is better than wrecking someone's marriage and family for your own reason so you won't be lonely.
Good luck and hope you find a good husband in the future.
I think he is just a player and using you...you can ask him to make you his second wife regardless if he keeps his wife or not.........see the answer he gives you.............dont let him touch you and dont give him safe haven in your house......
good riddance..........i am happy for you..
Sorry to say this sister but it is so obvious he still loves his wife and not you. He uses his son as an excuse to go back with his wife. You need to step aside and leave them alone. They probably have this on-going problem due to you being in the middle of it all. This is haram what you are doing, breaking up a marriage is something not to be taken too lightly in the eyes of Allah. You need to give him his freedom to stay with his wife without you being in the middle for you are contributing to their distress. Find someone else for Allah's sake !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This post is old but I would like to say a few things. Women are expected to be much too strong. There has to be leeway when it comes to men and their harmful cheating and lying habits. Sometimes a woman is vulnerable and needs someone to take care of her. Some women are made very fragile. And in this instance the man has obviously betrayed you, but not only you, his family too. I don't think you deserve blame, and I don't think you had any intention of breaking up anyone's home. I believe it is his fault totally to put his family through this and also to put you through this. As a muslim man and being aware that muslim men are the leaders, they should guide and not use women. Using someone is a deadly sin. May Allah SWT forgive you my dear. May HE bless you with all the love in a family. I am so sorry to hear your story as their are so many women who are victims of such situations. May the Almighty make our muslim men more righteous and may all the muslim women be blessed with protection in their homes. I am very tired of seeing muslim women and all women being exploited by men for the reasons of power, greed and money!! My dua is for all women who are suffering from heartache, loneliness and abuse, that they find happiness, love and security, Insha Allah, Ameen
P.S. For the rest of you in this thread, please try not to be judgmental especially when someone is in hardship and seeking advice.