We wish to get married in future but what should we do know to keep our relationship halal?
Salaam Alaykum,
I need an advice in terms of what me and the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with could do at the moment. I was a Christian before and he was a Muslim. During the time we were girlfriend and boyfriend, Alhamdullilah, he introduced Islam into my life, and it took me a while to understand it. The things he said about Islam used to upset me at that time because I was in a state of denial of the truth. Then, I opened my heart to Islam and decided to give it a chance and on my own I started to go to the masjid and started to research on the internet to learn more about it. After about a year, I converted into Islam. During the last Ramadan, I was able to finish reading the Quran. All the time, he was there to help me when I had any question and he was there to inform me what is haram and what is halal. I love Islam Alhamdullilah.
As we both strived to become a better Muslim, him and I started to feel guilty about dating, seeing it was haram. We have dated for about 2 years. During that time, we never committed zina and his parents didn't know about our relationship. His sisters and brother knew about me and always told him to be careful not to commit zina. That is why we stopped our relationship, so we can be better Muslim. God is The Forgiver.
By breaking up, it hurt us because we both love each other and we miss talking, taking care of each other, and being there for each other. He wants to make a commitment to me, but he is not ready because he and I are not done school yet. We have about 6 more years to go inshallah. Another problem is that he fears that his parents won't accept me because I am a revert and non-Saudi.
I don't know about the Saudi culture, but most of the time they get engaged to their cousins? I am not sure, so please don't judge me. However, he is willing to fight for me because he loves me for my strong faith to God, my prayers, and my personality. He promised that he will make the commitment as in nikkah, once he is financially stable inshallah. We pray everyday for God to forgive us and inshallah that we end up with each other in future.
So the problem is we don't know what to do with each other while waiting. We don't talk much and don't go out with each other as much, if we do, we go with friends only. How can we make this work? What can we do in the mean time, while were still in school?
Inshallah hope you can help me,
Jazakallah kheir
- Yasmeen
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Yasmeen,
As someone who is married to a Saudi, my advice to both you and your friend is to think long and hard over your relationship and just how much each of you are willing to sacrifice to marry. Living in Saudi can be easy for some and hard for others. It is a very different culture and it's a totally different ballgame when you are visiting a country versus living there. Would I do it again? No...never. Neither would my husband. We have had to make many sacrifices and I think each of us would have been much happier marrying within our own people. That is just how we feel having been thorough what we have. I don't see how you could wait for six years to marry and it would be foolish to spend your time waiting without at least an engagement of sorts. I know a girl who was to marry a guy when he finished his school. She waited four years for him and in the end, he met someone else and ended the engagement with her as if it were nothing. She was crushed and rightly so. I pray that you and your friend think long and hard over your situation. Whatever you both decide, I wish you luck.
Salam
Salamualaikum,
For a Religios couple, living in Saudi Arabia can be like a bliss. The environment they have, the liberty to practice the deen and so on. But there is no room for innovative practices like other countries. And may Allah keep it clean and pure, away from all innovations.
Coming towards the questioon, sister, of what I can make, you are in your teenage. You are probably ready for marriage according to the Sharee'ah but may not be able to find a guy who is of a similar age and independent. Perhaps he should be responsible enough to take care of you after you are married.
The feeling of love you have, has to be suppressed and you should concentrate on your school. Because if you get engaged then the doors of haraam will open, thinking you are engaged to be married, but the truth would still be that he is a non mahram to you.
I'll tell you my friend's story. When I was in Saudi Arabia and went to this school, he used to see this girl and he fell in love with her. He grew so desperate and was willing to get married to her. He was slightly Religious. The parents came to know about them, and they had over 6 years of School/University left of the studies. The resuld was that when she moved to the UK and he moved to India. He became more Religious and did not contact her by any means. They both called it true love though.
It was funny, though pitiful initially, I, and even he calls it a childish behavior.
I feel you have the same situation, which is common in this age. Just trat it like a passing relationship. The feeling of love is nothing but a deception from Shaitaan. Please do not pay heed and concentrate on your studies. This is because there is no way of keeping a relationship, unless you marry now which, I don't think, is possible now.
Though it may seem difficult, I feel this is the best thing you can do, than be in a haraam relationship.
May Allah make it easy for you
Aameen
Muhammad Waseem Saifullah
Salaam sister.
As hard as it may be the best thing to do would be to break all contact with this guy even if you do love him. It is a huge risk to be talking to him, even occasionally without his parents knowledge. If you both are genuinely serious about each other then get families' involved as soon as you can - especially his - that is the most important thing. He needs to tell his family and work on them agreeing before you 'wait for him'.
So my short advice would be: involve parents, get a formal engagement and ask if you can have a small nikah which would mean you would be allowed to talk to one another alone.
There are many true examples on this website of what can happen when a person agrees to 'wait' for someone without consulting with parents first. The usual example: Boy meets girl and decides they want to marry. They continue relationship/stop relationship and wait for one another for however many years. Once school has finished either: The guy ends up engaged and has to leave the girl, he chickens out and doesnt tell his parents or he tells his parents and they refuse and get him engaged to someone else. This happens despite the promises he's made to the girl/she's made to him about how he'll fight for her or vice versa.
I hope that such a scenario won't happen with you, but its very common. It can be prevented by first establishing whether or not they can actually marry. And people change, circumstances change. It is foolish to promise to do anything in six years time - you dont actually know if you'll be able to. Sometimes even if a guy wants to marry a girl a lot, its not worth the trouble his parents give.
In short - dont wait for this guy, unless you both have a formal engagement with his parents consent. Keep away from secret/misyar marriages. They are haraam and very damaging for both parties. While engaged you cannot speak to him without a third party present.
Ideally to avoid zina do nikah as soon as you can '(with parents presnt). It makes everything so much easier. And keep an open mind. It may be that Allah swt has someone better for you.
May Allah swt help you both.
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor