In an abusive marriage, contemplating divorce, worried about kids’ future.
"Husband should feed his wife whenever he eats and cloth her, whenever he cloths himself, that he not hit her in face, that he not call her ugly and that he not boycott her except within the house" (Ibn Majah)
Assalamu Allaykum Dear Brothers and Sisters,
Alhamdullillah I found this website where I came across brothers and sisters who constantly help others in distress by giving meaningful advices (Allahi Baarack feekum)
Our marriage of 10 years was arranged by our parents. My father passed away soon after. Soon after the wedding, I came to know that my husband was forced into this marriage by his mother and he actually didn’t like me. He has in fact mentioned this many times in the past.
6 months after our marriage, my husband openly started picking up fights with me, abusing me in public, demanding money and property. He has constantly abused me, belittled me, insulted me, has been very critical of my looks, ignored me, and failed to take care of me even in my 2 pregnancies. He makes me pay almost all the household expenses and used to pick up major fights if I demand that he share some of the expenses. He has also physically abused me twice in the past, but I still stayed for my child, and used to do everything possible to keep him happy and not annoy him. Frankly I’ve never felt loved or cared for in this marriage.
But very lately I found a hotel reservation he made for a single night in our own town for 2 persons; he didn’t give me a valid reason and brushed away the issue. I then threatened him that I would leave him; he said I’m welcome to do so.
And I also found out that he was calling a lady whom I had employed as a maid in my house, six months after I terminated her service and when I confronted him about it, he again brushed it away claiming that it was just a figment of my imagination. He soon deleted those calls from his phone right in front of me.
I’m staying in this marriage just for my kids, though I wonder whether it’s a valid reason for me to continue in this abusive relationship. I’m so worried about the future of my kids and am feeling guilty for contemplating a divorce.
Please advice and include us in your prayers.
Jaza Allah Khairan,
Hanan.
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Hanan,
Simply put...your husband does not deserve you. Do you have family that you can go to who can help you?
Salam
Thanks Najah for the reply. My mother will not support me in getting out of this because divorce is considered a taboo in our culture and my siblings are young and not independent. I had to put up with this marriage for so long because of lack of support from my family.
Hanan,
I am sorry to hear that your mother will not support you. Sad to say, your husband probably knows this and uses it to his advantage. Ten years is a long time to put up with a man who is not a good husband financially or emotionally. After all you have been through and continue to deal with, is your mother willing to stand by and do or say nothing if it is shown that your husband is in fact sleeping around? If it is considered taboo in your culture to divorce, how is adultery viewed? Are you supposed to sit back and stay silent?! Obviously your marriage vows mean nothing to him. You say you feel guilty contemplating divorce but to your I say why? He obviously doesn't care about your feelings or your well being at all. What married man makes a reservation at a hotel for two in the same city? His actions are that of a selfish, uncaring dog of a man who is thoughtless and cruel.
I understand your mother is in a difficult position and while she may not be able to help you, do you have any good friends that can help you? I cannot imagine how you must be feeling having to deal with all of this alone. The pain of knowing what he is doing and the fact that he doesn't even care about you or your feelings. No one deserves to be treated in such a heartless manner. If you can't depend on your family to help you at this point in your life, I really do hope you might have some friends who can help you in any way that they can. I will definitely keep you in my prayers tonight.
Salam
True Najah, I've not yet discussed his infidelity with my mom, may be she'll react differently and support me if I do so. Yes, I do have a few close friends who would help me and in fact they have always advised me to step out of this marriage. I'm also planning to see a counsellor (therapist) who can help me retain my sanity as I'm going through this.
After reading this. To be honest I feel utter sickness in my stomach. Your husband DID not fulfill his duties and rights as husband toward you. Basically he failed. His behaviour is outrageous and disgusting. His treatment toward you is really appalling.
Sister, you do NOT deserve this kind of treatment wallahi! How can you even stay in this abusive marriage. He simply don't care about you, no matter how HARD you try not to annoy him. He just don't care..
I must admit I was surprised you stayed in this marriage for so long. If it was me I'd leave instantly. I applaud your bravery and strength to stay that long. But sister- do you really want to continue this marriage in this state? You said you stay in marriage due to your children. Ask yourself do you want to raise your children in this abusive environment?? Can you honestly see your marriage any improvement? Are you HAPPY to stay this kind of marriage?
what you have described to me, sound really valid reason to have divorce. I don't normally write on this article or involve other people's business. But your post made me write. I could not let my sister in islam go through that. Subhan'Allah. Sister- you deserve happiness and MORE. Please please try to find somewhere to go, I.e to your parents, osiblings, or family member. Or your friends. If not seek help in your local domestic abuse support. Please sister don't suffer alone...
Sister Hanan
Your husband appears to be a husband in name only. Do not feel guilty about contemplating divorce. I see no redeeming value in remaining married to this man. However, that is your decision alone.
Focus on what Allah's will is for your future. On what is best for you and your children. Your children should not be exposed to such an environment. It will effect their future in a very negative manner.
I suggest that you pray Istikhara regarding your divorce. Decide what is best for you and your kids - staying or leaving and then use Istikhara to get guidance from Allah to confirm your intensions.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you for the reply. Yes, I've started praying Istikhara and praying constantly to Allah to give me the strength and guidance.
Salam dear sister,
First and foremost, I feel for you very much and I commend your patience and resilience in staying with this man for 10 years.
As others mentioned above, you do not deserve this kind of treatment. In fact, no one does. You and your children are in a toxic situation, and you know this: your children will be affected by this sooner or later. If this person does not love you and respect you, it is time to leave. If he even says you are "welcome to do so", then this is even more recommendable.
This is just my opinion dear sister, but please outweigh the pros and cons in staying or leaving.There is no shame in divorce from an abusive and vile husband who is not willing to fulfill his duties towards you.
Try sitting with him and reasoning with him in a calm manner. Point out to him that this is not right and that you have children together who will be damaged by this in the long run.
If he is not willing to see that his actions are destructive, then getting out of this situation is the best thing you can do for you and your children.
Keep well and stay strong!
Thank you sister for the reply. Yes, I'll try again to talk and reason with him about his actions, my rights etc. Praying to Allah that He gives me strength and guidance.
Your husband is treating you like dirt. You don't deserve this. Even if your family disapproves, you should do what your conscience dictates. Divorce him and find some support structures elsewhere (support groups, friends, therapist). Eventually, your family will get over their disapproval and then you can rebuild your relationship with them. Your husband is probably exploiting what he knows of your lack of family support to maintain his own power and privilege while taking you deeply for granted and treating you like furniture. Leave him if you want to and don't look for approval from anyone but yourself and God.
I've also been married 10 years &
have children & in the same situation as you, & it's not easy & I now how difficult it is when your own family tell you not to be a burden on them .. Ive always feared of being alone & lonely & have so
Could not go as far going ahead for a
Divorce..it must be a
Difficult time for you if you are strong to let
Go of your husband & look after your children alone then
Go ahead.. You will be happier inshallah...but Sister if you think he may change with time then give him
Time as people
Will show you the way but you'll be alone
Right the way through ..