Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I need to marry because of fitna, but my parents won’t understand.

Internet pornography

Internet pornography

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته.

I am a guy , 22 years old , I am Muslim and I live in an Arabic country.My problem is my parents- they never understand me. I was studying at university, but I quit because I was so afraid of making a big sin (zina) because there are many girls (much more than boys even, and they're wearing attractive clothes etc). I did not follow them and I kept a distance between me and them.

But my instinct of having sex is growing up day by day, so I lied to my parents that I did not like the conditions of studying there to keep them from the truth about that instinct. So I left, and I have been now at home for more than a year. I thought I made the right decision which would help me to not make that big sin, as I am far from girls. But I was totally wrong, and that instinct became bigger than how it was before.

I feel everyday that I am going to explode. I heard then about porno, and I start watching it to satisfy my concupiscence. I was so weak and I did follow this path. I am really not bad guy- I don't even go outside to mix with girls , and I never drink or smoke. I know I am good and this is test from Allah, but I make sins more and more by watching that porno. I really hate my self. I mentioned to my mother many times about marriage in the way of joking to see her reaction, and she always replies: "Go study, get a diploma, have work, then marry".

Why am I having this test? I cannot control myself anymore. I stop watching porno for a week, then in a day I watch more than 10 times until I feel so tired and dirty. I don't know what to do. I pray, but it seems Allah does not accept my prayers. I always ask Him to make me forget about the porno, but nothing happens. From the other side, something inside my head tells me: Watching porno is better than you losing your virginity.

I really don't want to lose my virginity before marriage, but I am afraid to lose it. Parents don't understand me ever. I really want to marry to stop this sin. Please help, and sorry for my English.

-rami


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10 Responses »

  1. Asalamuealiekoum brother,

    You are caught in two worlds. A world of education studying further and A world of girls temptation and both are at same place.

    What you should do is the following

    Take a cold shower every day and prayer five times a day.
    (This will help you focus, especially in your studies )

    Go to this university and study only. Don't flirt or talk too much with girls. ( You have to face the temptation

    in order to be a better man and better Muslim, just try not to give in, I know it is hard but just be a brave)

    Plus you have desires and I am sure all the girls in the University have desires too. Just respect and walk

    away.

    Communicate with your parents about getting married. (Say if you like a girl at this University who is modest in her lifestyle , ask your parents for her hand )

    Play outdoor sports to avoid evil thoughts.

    I do not know where you exactly live but just focus on things that you think will make a better man.

    It is not girls, It is not either masturbation nor pornography. Everything goes away. Your deeds will be left only.

    Please understand that this world is like house of spider. (weakest of all houses) It is in Quran. Read it and understand it

    If you avoid this temptation, may be later on in life you might have to face a bigger one, so in order to keep check and balance of your desires, just face it and be bold and don't give in. (That's what life is all about.)

    Thanks for reading.

    • Assalam alaikum,

      Br. Muhammad Ali gave wonderful advice.

      I would like to add a few things. You wrote:

      "...I thought I made the right decision which would help me to not make that big sin, as I am far from girls. But I was totally wrong, and that instinct became bigger than how it was before."

      So after leaving University, you are still facing difficulty in staying away from sin. Brother, if you want to get married, then behave like a responsible married man. Do house chores without anyone asking you. Pray 5 times a day. Speak to your father, tell him you want to get married and that you will continue your studies after. I know many people who have gotten married and then studied because it actually helped them to focus on their work since a possiblity of relationships developing was erased.

      Read the Quran, especially the part that talks about the rewards in Jannah and the punishment in Jahannum. Inn shaa Allah, if you put effort forth, you will see that you can make this all happen--only shaitaan convinces you that you are suffering--do not believe his feeble lies.

      May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.

  2. Wa'alaikumusalam! Oh Brother! Stop!

    1. Go back to the university --> Go now!

    2. That is your chance to prove Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) that you yes "YOU" are His true servant.

    3. Pass this test. Now --> Go join the university again.

    4. Get a rank in the View of Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala).

    5. Pass your university studies with excellent ranks.

    6. Get information about your subject from youtube and all other valid sources.

    7. The cursed devil will try to show you porn videos on the net. Just IGNORE the devil. (Very simple)

    8. Masturbation (you say you can't leave it). You will BUSY YOURSELF WITH YOUR SUBJECT KNOWLEDGE. AND BROTHER PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE INCREASE YOUR KNOWLEDGE AND GET SOCIAL WITH GOOD PEOPLE.

    BEST OF LUCK. YOU CAN DO IT. YES YOU CAN. DON'T LET YOUSELF DOWN. BE A STRONG MAN. YOUR PARENTS WOULD NOT MARRY YOU TO SOMEONE. NO WORRIES STUDY NOW. GET A JOB AND SEARCH SOMEONE BY YOUR OWN SELF AND MARRY.

    ABOVE ALL YOU ARE A MUSLIM. AND YOU BELIEVE IN ALLAAH (SUBHANAHU WA TA'ALA) AND YOU BELIEVE IN THE UNSEEN. THINGS WILL CHANGE YOU HAVE TO BROTHER YOU HAVE TO BROTHER YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE. THAT'S IT. THINGS WILL CHANGE. JUST BELIEVE BROTHER JUST BELIEVE IN ALLAAH(SUBHANAHU WA TA'ALA) .

    ALLAAH KNOWS THE BEST.

  3. Dear Rami ,

    It was wrong discussion to leave University .Please complete your education .
    If your financial condition is good where you can support your family then its fine to get married now Else don't .
    If you have made your mind for marriage then make sure you are marrying right and attractive partner else again you will be back to the same state .
    Join some sports .Get involved in some good activities and occupy your mind with lot of busy stuff (Apart from study)..Pray namaz regularly .

    Masturbation is debatable .One should not make a habit of it or get addicted to it and should try not to do it . But if there is high possibility of doing ZINA then masturbation should be OK under that extreme condition. ..But one should not make a habit of it .

    Allah hafiz

  4. Salam akhil kareem,

    May Allah help you in the best way. It is not easy. Very good advice was given above. Talk to your parents openly about your desire to get married. But make sure to work hard on this addiction so that you do not continue it in marriage.

    As a man, I understand very much the challenge. Here are some things that have helped many people:

    Change your perspective

    1. Never lose hope in Allah. This is the most important thing. The sin of losing hoping in Allah is worse than the sin of pornography. In order to help you always remember this --> read the Quran and the story of the prophets. Read the Quran EVERYDAY, even if only just 1 verse. Read it as if Allah is talking to you. Remember Allah can change your whole life in an instant. He is the Most-Powerful and the Most Merciful. Read and reflect on the verse of Al Baqarah, verse 249.

    Build new habits

    2. Do good deeds everyday in secret when no one else is looking. Every single day. Do not worry about how many sins you did, only worry about doing these good deeds when you are alone and only Allah can see you.

    The sin only occurs when a person thinks he is alone. To stop this sin, you need to make new habits when you are alone. Fasting is a great habit that no one can see you in. Only Allah knows whether you fasted. Another very good habit to develop is to read Quran every day. Everytime you read cry for Allah to help you. Read Qur'an when no one else is looking.

    3. Do hard sports/exercise that make you sweat a lot. This helps a lot.

    4. Keep good company in the masjid with good brothers. Abandon all bad company.

    5. Study hard in university with brothers. Keep yourself busy in good things.

    Change your environment - give up what is permissible, in order to avoid the haram. These are hard but you will feel great relief when you give up something for the sake of Allah.

    6. Eliminate all tempting situations. You have to be very hard on yourself in the beginning. Study when you fall weak and change those situations.

    7. Do not use a computer alone.

    8. Do not watch anything with women. No tv show, no movie, no news with women announcers. Lower your gaze if you have to watch - do not stare at any women.

    9. Get out of the bathroom fast. Shower quickly in cool water. Try to lower your gaze even with yourself. Uthman b. Affan radiallahu anhu out of modesty washed himself with his clothes on.

    Make dua frequently. We are all making dua for you too. May Allah forgive us all and help us stay on the straight path and enter Paradise. Ameen ya Rabb. And Allah knows best.

  5. 29 Tips for Teens on How To Handle Pornography By Abdul Malik Mujahid

    It's hard being a in early 20's and trying to resist the images you're bombarded with daily: the hot-looking guy or gal in the magazine; the sexual jokes in movies or the pervasive pornography and ad banners that pop up while you may simply be checking your e-mail, FB or researching something for school or college. How do we protect ourselves from all of this? Below is a list of tips that can help. You can add in comments what works for you:

    Tip #1: Know what's Halal and what's not

    All scholars of Islam agree that pornography is absolutely Haram and a clear sin.

    Some may think, however, that only hard-core pornography is Islamically unacceptable. This is not true. Watching improperly dressed men and women in sexual situations, as well as engaged in various types of foreplay and dirty jokes are also not acceptable.

    Tip #2: Surf the Web or Watch T.V. When Others are Around

    The living room or study room are better places to keep the computer since others are nearby and can see what you're looking at. The temptation to sneak a look at dirty pictures or that bikini-clad babe is heightened when you're alone in your room watching television or surfing the internet. Try to avoid late night TV and surfing. Instead, check out the tube or the web when others are around so you can resist the urge to sneak a peek, thinking no one's watching.

    It is a good idea not to have a TV or computer in the bedroom anyway.

    Tip #3: Remember Allah is Watching You

    If no one is watching, Allah is watching you. He is always there. He is Al Baseer, All Knowing and All Aware. He is the One Who has given us life. He is the One Who has told us right from wrong and given us a choice. He loves to see us successful in our test to bless us with the Everlasting life. He does not rest or sleep. He loves to see us do good and has promised rewards for it.

    Tip #4: If It Happens, Seek Forgiveness & Don't Insist on doing it

    "And those who, when they commit an immorality or wrong themselves [by transgression], remember Allah and seek forgiveness for their sins - and who can forgive sins except Allah ? - and [who] do not persist in what they have done while they know. ." (Quran 3:135).

    Allah loves to see us asking for His forgiveness.

    Tip #5: Just get up and leave

    If you feel unable to control looking at the screen or the magazine, leave the situation. Get out of the living room, your bedroom where the internet is or where you've been reading the magazine. Take a walk. Just do something to physically get out of the situation.

    Tip #6: Remember the Day of Judgment

    You cannot assume looking at this stuff is no big deal. Your eyes will testify about what you looked at on the Day of Judgment. God is Most Just and Merciful, and He rewards us for the good and holds us responsible for the bad we do. His angels are around you who love to note down each good dead and hate to watch you do shameful things which they still must report. Every tiny act we do is noted down. May Allah make our accounting on the Day of Judgment easy.

    Tip #7: Connect With Your Salat

    If you are not praying, start now. Salat actively discourages pornography and fornication (fuhsha). Here is what Allah says about it: "Recite (O Muhammad SAW) what has been revealed to you of the Book (the Quran), and perform As-Salat (Iqamat-as-Salat). Verily, As-Salat (the prayer) prevents from Al-Fahsha' (i.e. great sins of every kind, unlawful sexual intercourse, etc.) and Al-Munkar (i.e. disbelief, polytheism, and every kind of evil wicked deed, etc.) and the remembering (praising, etc.) of (you by) Allah (in front of the angels) is greater indeed [than your remembering (praising, etc.) Allah in prayers, etc.]. And Allah knows what you do. (Quran 29:45)

    If you are not satisfied with the quality of your prostration in prayer, work on it. If Salat is not helping you, work on uplifting your salat. " innassalata tanha anil fahsha'I ", Surely Prayer restrains one from indecency. (Luqman 29:46).

    Tip #8: Learn About Haya in Islam

    Haya(modesty) is a beautiful concept in Islam. Sometimes translated as modesty or shame, there is no one word in English that fully describes what it means. It is a quality in character that makes a believer shine. Satan does not want you to have it. Pornography destroys Haya.

    Tip #9: Avoid those involved in pornography

    If one of your friends is into pornographic magazines, websites, dirty jokes etc. either help him/her change through gentle and sincere advice or abandon frequent contact with them. Their addiction might affect you, so it's best to stay as far away as possible, by remembering the danger to yourself and your relationship with God.

    Tip #10: Avoid things that lead to sin

    Too often, it's easy to dismiss that billboard with the spandex-and-bikini-top-clad girl advertising gum, or the guy in tight leather pants and no shirt advertising perfume. When you see it, remember the omnipresent Allah, and lower your gaze. Do the same for television and the internet. If you keep doing this, it'll become a habit to avoid looking at these things.

    Remember Allah is kind. An unintentional look is not Haram if you turn away as soon as you realize it.

    Tip #11: Develop a More Productive Schedule

    Learn to manage your time more productively. Develop a personal plan for yourself. If you don't occupy your mind with good works, Satan will think of something bad for you.

    Tip #12: Are You Involved?

    Surround yourself with spiritual influences. Join a study circle, volunteer for a good cause, become active in a Muslim youth groups. Good company is likely to have good influence on you. The involvement will also make good use of your time, sparing little for Satan.

    Tip #13: Feeling overwhelmed? Remember Allah

    In situations where you feel overwhelmed and can't get yourself to switch the channel, close the browser window or turn your eyes away from the billboard, ask Allah's help. You don't necessarily need any heavy duty, long prayers. Just say La hawla wa la quwwata illa billah (there is neither power nor strength except with Allah). It is short, simple and reminds you of Who is really in control and can help you out of this. Or if you cannot remember this, just move away saying Allah, Allah. Or bring any popular song about Allah to your lips.

    Tip #14: Less TV is better

    Less TV is always better. TV is a tool of Satan to enter our living rooms. Watching together as family is better than watching alone. Choosing through a TV guide what to watch is better than channel surfing.

    Tip #15: Satan is the Enemy: Seek refuge in God

    Satan lured you into this mess. He is the big part of our tests in this life. Seeking refuge in Allah (saying Aoutho billahi minash Shaytan ir Rajeem), will help you resist him and his whisperings to continue looking at the material.

    Tip #16: Remember others will Follow You

    If you have younger brothers and sisters, think of the bad example you're setting for them. What message are you sending them if they barge into your room and catch you watching sleazy TV show or flipping through Playboy magazine?

    Tip #17: Look for alternative entertainment

    Playing sports is better for your health than watching. We have become way too dependent on electronic entertainment. It is unhealthy and leading our nation to obesity and health problems. Let's stop being couch potatoes. Let's build our bodies through sports and outdoor activities.

    Tip #18: Surround yourself with the Quran

    Make the Quran a part of your bedroom decor. Put paintings or cut outs of your personal selection of these beautiful verses from Allah.

    How many copies and translations of the Quran do you own? Buy more. Become a collector and a reader.

    If you are into listening the Quran on audio, keep changing your reciter of the Quran. It breaks the monotony and brings focus back to the words of Allah.

    Tip #19: Remember your Mom and sister

    Disgusting right? Exactly. No one in his right mind would look at his mom or sister the way pornographic magazines and websites depict women. Remember your mom and your sister, and that may help you stop.

    Tip #20: Have someone watch over you

    If you really feel you're becoming addicted to this kind of material, try to watch TV, surf the internet with someone else. You don't have to tell them why you're doing this, but this method can perhaps keep you in check and help you avoid looking at pornography or other similar material. After all, Satan tempts us most easily when we're alone. Sitting in the company of a family member or trusted friend will help.

    Tip #21: Fasting helps

    The Prophet Muhammad advised us to fast to cool passions. This should be a method we use to handle the desire aroused by pornography and similar material. Peace and blessings of Allah be upon the Prophet.

    Tip #22: Life is full of tests

    We human beings are weak people. We sometimes make mistakes. We are not perfect. When you fail, don't despair. You can get away from sin by defeating a Satanic suggestion the next time around. Sometimes we don't mean to watch but end up doing it anyway. But as soon as a thought comes to your mind that you are doing wrong, stop right there. If you persist, that will be become a sin which you have chosen intentionally.

    Don't feel guilty if you did not plan to watch it. Sometimes the web and email technology force this filth on you. Just move away as fast as you can.

    Tip #23: Get Married

    Yes. You heard me right. Get married. The real thing is better than the fakeness of pornography which destroys you mentally, physically, and spiritually. In Muslim families, we see many younger people getting married while they are still in school. Most states in US require at least 16 years of age for a marriage license while in south asia its 18-21 years for men. Talk to your parents. I am personally against very young people marrying, but it is certainly better than them having sinful relationships with each other or with the fictional characters brought to them through the web, magazines and films. There is no shame in talking to your parents and Imams about it. Make a decision with Shura if you want to get married early.

    Marriage helps you overcome the destructive directions of a blessing of God called sex.

    Tip #24: Use technology to help

    There are many filters and spam stopping technologies which are available like K9 and Open DNS which are free. Use technology to close doors for pornography, a heinous crime against humanity.

    Tip #25: It is not a Sin if you did not mean it

    Sometimes we are just surfing the internet and something else pops up. It may show up in emails despite all the filters. As long as you did not mean to watch and move away immediately it is not a sin. Thank Allah, Alhamdu lillah. He does not hold us accountable for unintentional things.

    Tip #26: Do Tauba, Repent and Return to Allah

    He loves to see us come back. If you do end up watching the bad stuff, repent to Allah. Seek His forgiveness, reaffirm your faith in Him, and do good deeds to compensate for what you've done. He is All-Forgiving as long as you are sincere.

    Tip #27: Repent Again and Fine Yourself

    If you lapse, repent again. Allah is All-Forgiving as long as we mean it. But then you need to discipline yourself by promising that if you do it again, you will pay this much in charity or fast for a day.

    The message is: don't give up on yourself. Keep trying. Struggle is life. Satan can get you down, but you can and will beat him with Allah's help if you are serious about changing.

    Tip #28: Pray, Pray and Pray

    Never underestimate the power of prayer. Dua is the essence of worship. You connect to God through prayers. Talk to Him. He listens. While there, pray for this author and Sound Vision as well.

    Tip #29: Fight Against Pornography

    You will be blessed in your struggle if you speak and fight against pornography. It is not one person's problem. It is a problem that is hurting many people.

    May Allah bless you all.

    Peace.

    {Abdul Malik Mujahid is an American Muslim religious leader ("Imam" in Arabic), he gives Friday sermons ("khutba" in Arabic) at various Chicago mosques and prayer locations.}

  6. Brother Rami,

    Leaving the University was a bad decision, a empty mind is a devils workshop, sitting at home for a year you must have realized it.

    You have got yourself stuck in sinking sand, things might get worst if you don't take immediate action and would lead you to the same major sins which you thought you would get into while at the University.

    Marriage is a solution, but then men who have severe porn addiction have been known to continue feeding the porn habit even after marriage resulting in martial problems and divorcee.

    Here are some practical tips

    1) Lock the source of the sin(Computer or smartphone), use a basic phone instead,give them to your parents and tell them you are trying to get rid of internet addiction ,they will like it. Remember it takes atleast 6 weeks for quitting a habit. If its not possible( why not), then put free porn blockers on the device like K9 or Open DNS (Block Adult/Porn websites without any software for FREE http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVW-lFssQeM) and join a online forum like MuslimNofap in reddit.com( Its a place where Muslim youths who are trying to quit Porn and masturbation share their experiences & give tips http://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimNoFap/)

    2) Join a gym and start exercising, it would take your mind away from porn or even start running everyday. exercise relieves stress and anxiety, two major cues for watching porn.

    3) Immediately join the University, you are too young to quit studies, make friends with religious and pious boys in the institute, learn from them how they control themselves from fitnah.

    4) Establish 5 time Salat and do lots of Zikr

    5) Watch what you eat -Brother, if we ponder over this hadith "Anyone who cannot marry, should fast"(sahih Bukhari),then it is clear that food heightens our sexual urges and especially certain foods increase bodily heat & libido like meat, fish, spices(chillies,pepper, clove,mustard,ginger and garlic),honey,cow butter, dates, olive & mustard oil etc etc. Eating these foods occasionally and in a limit is fine

  7. OP: I am a guy , 22 years old , I am Muslim and I live in an Arabic country.My problem is my parents- they never understand me. I was studying at university, but I quit because I was so afraid of making a big sin (zina) because there are many girls (much more than boys even, and they're wearing attractive clothes etc)......I heard then about porno, and I start watching it to satisfy my concupiscence.

    So you left University to save your virginity. What Arab country you live in where there are more girls studying in University and girls are allowed to wear aatractive clothes?

  8. بارك الله فيكم جميعًا

    I will try my best to stop what I start but I talked many times to my parents and they still saying NO.

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