If I am pregnant he wants me to have an abortion.
I'm a non-Muslim 18 year old girl, I am in a relationship with a 20 year old Muslim man, we have been together for almost 2 years.
I was brought up with no religion so when I was old enough I could choose what I want to believe in. I have always been interested in Islam from a young age, for me it was the scientific proof of the Quran that made me start to believe in it. I know I have a lot more research to do on Islam before I make my decision to convert/revert.
My boyfriend says that he can't be with me even if I do convert/revert to Islam as it would put shame on his family (they are respected members of the community) this upsets me a lot and I've just found out that he will be getting married in 1-2 years time - to his cousin. Why can't he just come clean to his family about our relationship? Is it that bad? Why wouldn't he marry me? Instead he wants to live a lie. I love him so much.
The other thing is that I think I may be pregnant with his baby, I take the contraceptive pill but I have a feeling it hasn't worked. I will be taking a test in a week time. He said that if I am pregnant I should get an abortion. Is it wrong of him to say that to me? I disagree with abortion, I see it as murder so if I am pregnant I will be bringing up this baby and most likely on my own with no help from him
I hope that I am not pregnant and that all these early signs of pregnancy I am having are all in my head out of fear as I will struggle to bring a baby up alone at the age of 19. And if I convert/revert to Islam I don't see any man that would possibly want to marry a single mother.
I wish he would just tell his parents. If he loves me as much as he says he does it shouldn't be a problem. I'm so confused and I don't know what to do. I have so many thoughts going through my mind. Pregnancy is a scary thing and I know I could be making a fuss over nothing but I'm just so scared incase I am, I know he'll leave me if I don't get an abortion.
Confused
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Confused,
Firstly, I'm happy to hear that you are considering to convert/revert to Islam. Take your time, do some more research and see where your heart and mind takes you. InshAllah (if Allah wills), I hope one day you do convert.
In regards to your situation, I am sorry to hear that your encounter with this man who is a Muslim has not been very pleasent. He's indeed living a life of a hypocrite. I personally have no respect for such people who lead a double lifestyle making women their bait. We are Muslims and we are supposed to be kind, merciful and honest with others and this guy is behaving in a complete opposite manner. It is stated clearly in the Quraan:
"And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Sura Al-Israa # 17 ayah # 32)
There is a severe punishment for this act although it is best that one sincerely repents and conceal's their sin. In addition, this is one of the top three sins: after shirk (ascribing partnership with Allah swt), and murder. Clearly, this guy is very far from his deen and has brought darkness into his heart.
Confused, this guy is playing with your heart; trust me when I say this. He will use you, discard you, and then marry another woman (as you mentioned his cousin). I can understand that you are attached to him and feel love for him, but my dear love is reciprocal. Tell me, if he loved you, would he ever say to you: "Even if you convert, I will not marry you as it will bring shame to my family". What is this man trying to tell you here? It's bitter, but i'll translate it for you; "You are here only for my convenience and you are such a disgrace and a shame that I cannot even contemplate to marry you even after you convert and become a Muslimah" (bearing in mind that when a person converts to Islam, all their previous sins are wiped off and their is slate is clean like an innocent new born, inshAllah (if Allah wills). He does not and will not marry you, period. He will only use you, cause you damage, and discard you. He has no shame and respect for others. He is only fulfilling his desires. I highly suggest you end this relationship with this man. He is not worth it, he will try to string you back in, but don't fall for his sweet talks. He has made it crystal clear to you that he will not marry you. After this if you run back to him, then you are being the fool because he's let you know what he wants from you: only temporary physical pleasure.
You are a human, you have feelings, respect, dignity, and you deserved to be honoured and cherished. Do not settle yourself for such a low price in the name of "love". This isn't love from his side, it is lust. I'm sorry to be so blunt with you, but I want you to wake up. I don't want you to get further damaged by this hypocrite. Be strong and show this man what you're made of. If he doesn't want to marry you, then he doesn't know your value. Your body isn't a commodity, it is sacred and only one who is sincere and loyal to you should have rights over it (i.e.: your husband).
Lastly, in regards to abortion. Do not abort your child if you are pregnant. This is yet another huge sin in Islam. This guy wants everything to be his way. He wants: to use your body, and if you are pregnant, to erase any evidence of his haram pre-marital relationship. Why doesn't he man up and take his responsibility. He was mature enough to engage in sexual intercourse but not mature enough to know the consequences of his haram actions? I repeat, do NOT let him abort your child. Your child is a gift from Allah swt, he/she is at no fault for this. He/she deserves to enter this world, and is pure. If this guy feels this baby will bring him "dishonour", well so be it. He chose to "dishonour" his family and community, he needs to man up and suffer the consequences of his actions. He can't just have things his way.
Stay strong sister, and please leave this vile man. I'm sorry if my response was a bit harsh, but I have no respect or mercy for such people who call themselves Muslims, ruin other's lives and only watch out for themselves. They are hypocrites and extremely selfish people who only care about themselves and their desires. He is not worth you, you deserve someone much better!
-Helping Sister
To Helping Sister:
Is it possible to commit the same sin over and over again and seek repentance and be forgiven? My understanding is that in order to be forgiven, you must leave the sin and NEVER return.
Need Answers,
Although your speculation is correct, there is something I’d like to point out.
Firstly, the conditions for repentance are well known:
1. Leaving the sin;
2. Remorse over having committed the sin;
3. Resolve never to return to the sin;
(If it relates to the rights of another person, then to) Return the rights or property one wrongly took. [al-Bariqa fi Sharh al-Tariqa; Riyad al-Salihin]
If these conditions are truly met, then one can expect one's sins to be forgiven. However, one has to be very careful about how sincere one is in fulfilling one's conditions. It is recommended to seek forgiveness a lot, and to repent every time the sin comes to one's mind.
So generally, these are the steps one must take in order for their sin to be forgiven in front of Allah swt, inshAllah.
However, let’s say for example, you drink and know that it is a sin. Later on you feel immense regret and guilt for doing so, you turn to Allah swt and ask for sincere repentance and make the firm intention to not do it again. Some time goes by and one day you find yourself for one reason or another drinking again (i.e.: out of temptation, out of peer pressure, out of sadness or grief, etc) and you realize after committing the sin again that you are feeling immense guilt again. You then ask for repentance again sincerely and make the firm decision to not repeat it, then inshAllah Allah swt may forgive you. The key here is 2 things: 1.) how pure and sincere was your intention (i.e.: what pre-cautions you took to avoid it, etc) to not commit the sin again 2.) And if you did commit the sin, what actions did you take to ensure that after this it would not happen again.
To put it in a nutshell, we are humans and sometimes we sin, ask for sincere repentance and then relapse again. However, if we are sincere with our intention and then take the right pre-cautions to ensure that we don’t sin over and over again, then inshAllah Allah may forgive us. If however, you think to yourself, “Oh Allah swt is the most forgiving, so I’ll drink whenever I want, He’ll forgive me”, then you come under the category of: arrogance and saying that you are sure He will forgive you. No one is sure if Allah swt will forgive us, but we place our hope in Him and His mercy and we try to prove to Him that we are not indulged in that sin anymore.
So your intentions matter a lot here. If you find yourself struggling with a particular sin, try to cut off those channels that lead you to it (i.e.: drinking = leaving those friends who pressure you to drink, avoiding clubs which anyways are haram, staying away from liquor stores, etc, etc). You have to take the pre-cautions and ensure you are striving to not sin again, and then if for any reason you fall weak and end up doing it, then we must repent right away and be more firm with ourselves ensuring it does not happen repeatedly.
I hope that answers your question, inshAllah.
PS: If I have made an error anywhere with my reasoning and knowledge, please do correct me. I do not want to give any advice that is in-correct, inshAllah.
-Helping Sister
Yes, it is possible to commit the same sin again and again and seek repentance and be forgiven, as long as you sincerely intend each time never to commit the sin again.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum sister,
You have come to the right place to remove your confusion.
1. Don't worry. We are with you. We share. We talk and we give good advice too by Allah's permission.
2. Don't worry. What has happened has happened and cannot be changed. So leave the past as past.
3. Don't worry. Allah Our Lord is Full of Mercy. So turn to Him repentant and seek His forgiveness for sins.
4. Don't worry. As long as Allah wills, nothing wrong can happen with you and you will be safe and happy.
5. Don't worry. Because we pray for you and you also pray for yourself to Allah to Help you with a stong help.
So,
I hope you lost some worries by now. Cool. O ! Don't worry sister.
Now see, this guy is a BIG HYPOCRITE. All of us act sometimes in a wrong way and in hypocrisy and we seek Allah's forgiveness. But this guy, his thinking, his family's thinking and his actions and his conduct towards you show nothing but hypocrisy.
I think you should dump him before he dumps you and keep the upper hand. Even if you become a mother or not by him, he is unworthy if he does not show any care. He is not worthy of even turning to for any help or support.
Such guys harm not Islam at all but harm and ruin their own souls in their ignorance.
Forget sex, even moving around dating with a girl without marriage is not allowed in Islam. He and his family represent some culture and not Islam in their choice of a wife for him. They seek to please the "society" and not "Allah" and Allah is not unaware of this. So leave their case to Allah.
Dear sister, I sympathize with you fully and I can understand what kind of ideas and worries must be cropping up on your mind.
But my advice to you is, keep all worries aside. Seek forgiveness of Allah for the slip of moments when you gave in to desire. Masha Allah, you realize your mistake and it is something very good for turning to Allah. Make this incident in your life your turning point to Allah. He wants you to turn to Him.
As He says in Surah Sajdah: Verily, we give them the lower punishment before the greater, that haply they may return.
So sister, take up the Qur'an, I see your interest for Islam is genuine and true for your own knowledge and seeking a way ahead. So Insha Allah, Allah will help you. Download a copy of the Qur'an with English translation from internet and begin to read it.
And when you read something and do not understand, read it until you grasp its message and then move ahead slowly. See how your journey in to the Qur'an goes and give us your feedback.
Apart from this, at night time, in the silence, in your room, put your head down on the floor and fall on your face in prostration to Allah as long as you want and Praise Him, Thank Him, Ask for His Guidance, Adore Him, Put forward all your troubles in front of Him and ask Him to give you the best in life and on the Day of Judgement when mankind from the first man to the last will stand before Allah and His judgement will be delievered and it will be decided who enters heaven and who goes to hell. Insha Allah.
Night time is the best time. A time when you forget much of the troubles of the day and you feel the silence, your own voice, breathes and thoughts seem to be clear and certain. So utilize this time to turn to Allah and speak to Him for half an hour, one hour, as long as you will and if you do it in prostration on the floor, it is the BEST.
May Allah help you and ease the situation for you.
LEAVE THIS GUY QUICKLY AND DO NOT INDULGE IN ANY LOVE RELATION OR FRIENDSHIP WITH GUYS UNTIL YOU MARRY. IF YOU FOLLOW THIS ADVICE, INSHA ALLAH IN THE TIME TO COME YOU WILL SEE HOW GOOD IT PROVED, IF YOU DO NOT FOLLOW, ALLAH KNOWS IF THE STORY IS REPEATED OR SOME OTHER THING COMES TO PASS.
I hope you will consider the above points and my advice sincerely. This is for your own good sister. I do not benefit by it.
Remember Allah has kept good men and good women. So even if you are a single mother and turn to Islam, Allah has no shortage of good men to send your way, Insha Allah. So despair not of Allah's mercy. Only those who deny Allah despair of His mercy.
I pray for you and you also pray for yourself to Allah. And whenever you feel distressed do let me know any time. Don't worry please. Allah will take care of your affairs if you turn to Him alone for help.
Yes, one more thing, be patient, if you lose patience, you will get more harm then good. So let this time pass away, keep patience for the sake of Allah, the One who created you and strengthened you and gave you sight and hearing and heart and be thankful to Him.
Salaam.
Your brother,
Munib.
* * *
Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.
Brothermuniib,
I just wanted to say jazakAllah khair for your comment on my post for the question: "Should I marry now or wait". For some reason, when I tried to respond there, my post wouldn't go through.
-Helping Sister
Yeah it got put into spam for some reason, but I have approved it now.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Helping Sister - Thank You for your advice. I know that everything you just said to me is true and that I should do exactly what you say but it is easier said than done. He is my first love I don't understand how he can love me and do this to me I would never be able to do these sort of things to him. But I always forgive him and let him carry on. In the end I know I'm the one that is going to be hurt.
And to Munib - Thank You too for your help you are right he will dump me soon he wants to start following Islam again so I guess this really is my time to turn to Allah and live a happy life wether I have a child or not I will have to be strong.
I will keep you both informed of my situation and how I get on with reading the Quran. The advice you have given me has hurt and helped me it has made me wake up to what I need to do although it could take some time. Thank You both so much.
Confused,
You are absolutely right; it is definitely easier said than done. The time you spent with him, the memories you created, the bond you developed, it is completely natural for you to question how can he love you and yet not want to commit with you? Confused, unfortunately sometimes people say something but their actions outweigh their words. As the famous saying goes, “Actions speak louder than words”. My dear sister, I still advise that you leave him although it will be extremely hard for you. I understand he is your first love, the bond you developed must mean so much to you, and hence you are paining so much. But sometimes we have to realize that we should not give so much that the other person begins abusing our existence and feelings. You are such a young girl with a whole life ahead of you. Do you not want to be loved as much as you love?
Ask yourself why are you settling for less? What is it other than the feeling of love that you are not able to let go of him and are allowing him to dump you? This is not healthy; you have to uphold your dignity and self-respect. You are not an object or a means for anyone’s satisfaction. You are a human and you deserved to be loved and honoured. Please do some soul searching, I feel you have some void in your life that has broken you down so much that you are allowing yourself to be used knowing that someone is using you.
In the end, the decision is up to you. I do sincerely hope though that you find your inner strength and walk ahead in life with dignity. You deserve so much better; the day you realize that, you will walk out of this dysfunctional relationship by yourself, inshAllah.
PS: I will definitely await your response in regards to your situation. I pray that Allah swt gives you the wisdom and strength to make the right decision for yourself (and if you are pregnant, for your baby also), ameen.
-Helping Sister
Helping Sister,
I know that I deserve better than this the thought of leaving him just makes me feel so alone and depressed. I feel like I need him in my life, I know he has sinned and doesn't treat me the way I deserve to be treated but I can't help the way I feel. I wish it could just go away. I will find a way to get myself out of this relationship when the time is right for me. I do have my life ahead of me your right and hopefully I find someone that treats and loves me the way I deserve to be treated and loved. For now I need to focus on finding the strength to end this relationship.
Once again Thank You for your advice.
Dear Confused,
I completely understand and can somewhat relate to you. It is definitely very difficult to leave someone whom you love so sincerely. Take your time to build your inner strength, but always remember one thing, love and sincerity go hand in hand. If he is hiding his relationship in front of the world, then it doesn’t exist in anyone’s eyes, except for you two. He is not being sincere to you (and sincerity doesn’t always mean cheating; it can mean commitment, trust, respect, etc) and you don’t need to settle for less.
My best wishes,
-Helping Sister
Assalamu alaykum Sister Confused,
Masha Allah, glad to see your responses. Your giving quick responses suggests you want quick recovery and want to take steps to move on.
Masha Allah, you understand the sequence of events which is nice.
Yes, it is very difficult to put our advices in to action. I totally understand as such times are full of stress, mentally and tears physically.
It may take some days or a few months, Allah knows. But what I suggest and what you said correctly is now you should start taking steps towards leaving all this behind and concentrating on Qur'an and Islam.
Keeping yourself busy with the Qur'an will help you. When I read the Qur'an, the "thinking" which the Qur'an develops in a human is so powerful that you may feel the problems of "love" have absolutely been made "huge" problems by our mind and in reality they are very "small" or may be not even a problem.
I said to another questioner as well a few days back. Since December 2010, I was suffering inside tormenting myself for a thing which I think now was "stupid" . It made me worried all the time and I could not concentrate on my work. Since that time my business started to decline, it affected my whole life and working so much that on some days I would feel as if I was shaking even while praying in the mosque.
But all praise be to Allah. I prayed to Him and He gave me strength and and made me strong. Now I feel very confident, relaxed, composed, positive, open, and without any worries, except the Day of Qiyamah, The Day of Judgment.
Each once of us is different, our life, our circumstances, our problems, our mental make up, physical make up, strengths and weaknesses are different but we have one common medicine to look for answers to our problems, the Qur'an. I found it my place of peace, my friend, my best company in day and night.
I have almost no friends in this city where I am, all my friends are in foreign lands or different cities. I have almost a low social life as there are not even thought provoking religious gatherings like dialouges and conferences.
I do not watch movies or tv, I do not listen to songs, as after reading the Qur'an and I found these things to be nothing but Satanic, yes, may sound like a "fundamentalist" etc, but believe me, if we do not stick to fundamentals of Islam, to go atray is not a hard job then.
I just kept on doing my work slowly, went for Umrah (visit to Makkah) last month and then came back and my problem still remained unsolved even after returning and is still unsolved. But I lost something : My worries. My loneliness.
I found the company of Allah.
I keep awake at nights, see the stars, see how Allah is encompassing all things in His knowledge, how near is our death and then Qiyamah. I see the sun rising, moving over our head and setting, I see the plants. shrubs and trees, I see the crows, sparrows , crowing and chirping in the morning, I see the silence of the nights, the breath of the morning, I see dry trees and how they become green again. I see how the whole earth is spread, billions of people live and pray and some not pray and some pray to Allah and some don't and how the whole world is getting nourished by Allah and provided for their needs and How Merciful is Allah towards His creation. How we call upon Him and He responds every time and How He removes the hurt for which we call Him to remove from us. Allah is Great. The True, the Exalted, the Glorified, the Superb, The Patient, The Recknor, The Exalter of Ranks, The Abaser, The Give or Life, The Bringer of Death, The Creator, The Measurer, The Powerful, The Mighty, The Knowing, The Wise.
A few verses of the Qur'an from Surah 94 Inshiraah, revealed for the Prophet, yet if you grasp the Message of the verses, I hope Insha Allah it will help you life long.
Surah 94. Al-Sharh
1. Have We not caused thy bosom to dilate,
2. And eased thee of the burden
3. Which weighed down thy back;
4. And exalted thy fame?
5. But lo! with hardship goeth ease,
6. Lo! with hardship goeth ease;
7. So when thou art relieved, still toil
8. And strive to please thy Lord.
Whenever there is heat of the sun when I go out to work and I sweat and feel O, it's so hot O Allah! , or when I am too tired, or when I have some tough time or when I need some push to move on, a slight boost I just remember the verses:
With hardship goeth ease.
Verliy with hardship goeth ease.
It is for all of us, after hardship is ease. After sufferings, small or big in this life for the sake of Allah, we have death and Insha Allah then ease.
And even in this life, after hard times, Allah will bring ease. So when we are relieved from a period of hardship, we should not leave our prayer and start enjoying, rather we should still try to please Allah as we were doing before when we were in hard times.
Hope you will grasp the message according to your situation Insha Allah.
Hope the advice helps, Insha Allah.
Salaam.
Your brother,
Munib.
* * *
Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.
Helping Sister,
It helps me a lot to know that you understand what I am going through, not many people do which is why I came to this website. I will speak to him and tell him how I feel, that should help too. Thank You for your help.
Brother Munib,
Its good to know that Allah answered your prayers, I hope that he will answer mine when I am ready to pray. I am going to take my time to read Quran tonight I will try my hardest to make sense of what it says. Thanks for your help.
Assalamu alaykum Sister,
Masha Allah. May Allah make you feel start reading the Qur'an tonight, Insha Allah.
Sister, I trust your words and hope you will end all ties with the guy if he does not marry you or agree to marry you at the earliest.
I give you advice as I would give to my blood sister. May Allah give you strength and guidance.
Allah will guide who He wills and He will send astray whom He wills and besides Allah we have no Protecting Friend nor any Helper.
Salaam.
* * *
Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.
Confused,
I hope you the best. You're a smart and intellectual female. You know deep down what decision to make but you need the strength and confidence to implement it. I'm here for you and want you to know that you can do it. You deserve better and you also know that.
-Helping Sister
Thank You both so much for being there for me your advice has made me realise what I really have to do. I will end this relationship when I am ready I need to move on to greater things I know he will never marry me.
Brother Munib,
You said; He and his family represent some culture and not Islam in their choice of a wife for him.
Does this mean it is not right to marry your cousin?
Assalamu alaykum Sister "Confused",
If you post a question separately asking me, is it right to marry your cousin in Islam? I would say yes, it is alright.
But here, I have posted my reply in context of the question you put forward to us.
I quote your words again:
My boyfriend says that he can't be with me even if I do convert/revert to Islam as it would put shame on his family (they are respected members of the community) this upsets me a lot and I've just found out that he will be getting married in 1-2 years time - to his cousin.
Your coming to Islam would only put you to be among the best in the sight of Allah and in high esteem in the sight of those who understand what great gift from God it is to be a Muslim. Here, inspite of your becoming a Muslim, he says he can't marry you because his family would be put to shame? What shame? Because they are respected members of the community? Which community? A truly Islamic community would not appluad or praise such people who would reject girl with whom their " respected son of respected family is out since 2 years" and she becomes a Muslim. So it must be some cultural community which has set its own rules of "putting themselves to shame" if their son marries a girl who became Muslim.
This is why I said, he and his family represent some "culture" and not "Islam" in their choice of wife for him. I hope your doubt is cleared.
As I said earlier , if you posted a question separately asking if marriage with cousin is right in Islam? Answer would be yes, it is alright. But here, I answered considering your particular situation about the "guy and his family" and not in general about all Muslims.
Salaam.
* * *
I understand now thank you for clarifying with me. To be honest I don't think it has anything to do with his family or community, it's clear to me now that he just doesn't want to be with me I think he lied to me so I wouldn't question him.
To Confused:
Helping Sister and brotherrMuniib are completely right in their advice/opinions. This man has obviously been using you for the past two years. You do indeed DESERVE so much more/better. It is understandably hard to let go and move on but you must or else you will lose more...more time, effort and most importantly yourself. Again please heed the warnings that they have given you. And please do NOT let this scar you for future relationships. There is so much better out there. When you are ready, they will be waiting. Take care of yourself...
Need Answers,
You are all right, I've been in denial for so long.
Thank You for the good advice I'll take it on board.
Assalamu alaykum,
As you wish sister. I am glad you understood the point.
Remember one thing, never get in to any sort of relationship like boyfriend-girlfried or love before marriage, it is really harmful. I say for your own good. Keep your chastity. Be tough and do not let any guy take any advantage of your softness.
Salaam.
* * *
I will be sure not to, it's not worth this mess, hurt and guilt.
Thank You Brother Munib.
Assalamu alaykum,
You are always welcome sister.
Hope you started reading the Qur'an, please keep me updated from time to time about your progress in it.
Salaam.
* * *
Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.
Yes I have started to read the Quran, I am planning on buying some books to help explain the things I don't understand. I have a Muslim friend who is now willing to help me too. Thank you Brother Munib.
Assalamu alaykum,
Masha Allah, I am happy to know that you picked up the Qur'an and began to read. Alhamdulillaah. May Allah guide you.
You indeed have a good destiny that you have the Qur'an with you, few people are blessed with its constant reading and understanding and I hope Insha Allah you would be one of them.
I hope the one helping you is not a guy.
Open this page : http://www.openburhan.net/ob.php?sid=1&vid=2
It has multiple translations. The best with explanatory notes is the one by Muhammad Asad from his " Message of the Qur'an" which may not be available easily in the shops and there are other translations as well, side by side, so I hope this website would be of help to you.
My advice: Read Asad's translation, it is easy to understand.
And best wishes and du'aas for you. May Allah make Qur'an a Light for you to walk in.
Salaam.
* * *
Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.
As salamu alaykum, sister Confused,
Thank you very much for sharing and trusting us, Alhamdulillah. You have received already excellent advices, Masha´Allah. I would like to add the following,
All this suffering and loneliness is guiding you to God, this man has been the bridge to bring you closer to Him(swt) and is only in Him(swt) where Your Heart will find roots, to have a strong foundation where to hold on, once you begin to feel the Light of God, you will find Peace, Love, Respect, Forgiveness and Comfort beyond any words can explain. And with this the strength to finish this relationship.
What I would do right now being you is to focus on finding my own way to God, as the brother had told you, reading the Quran, the Names of Allah and His Attributes, you have a link on top of the page with du´as, beautiful prayers that may connect you to God, insha´Allah. You can listen to the Quran, there are beautiful recitations on line, this will bring Peace to your Heart, insha´Allah.
There is a site IslamicSunrays.com that has beautiful inspirational articles, you can learn a lot from them, insha´Allah.
You are not alone anymore, you don´t have to feel scare of loneliness, you are in our Hearts now.
What would be good for you, because you are not anymore the teenager you were, is to try to turn to your family as the young woman you are, you will find a way to get closer to them again, would be a healing process to you and in essence, to be in contact with our family strengthen is us our connection and respect to our roots and that heals our Hearts in a faster way, Alhamdulillah.
You have begun a way with no end, I hope you enjoy every minute of this beautiful journey, if you need anything as our brothers and sisters has said, don´t doubt in contact us, insha´Allah.
From Heart to Heart, all my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank You Maria M, these links will be useful to me. Thanks for your support and advice I really appreciate it.
I hope they do, God´s willing.
God bless you, guide you to the best for you and help you to heal your wounds. Ameen.
From Heart to Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Confused,
Bless your heart for having to go through this. I am a non-Muslim that has a deep respect for Islam and the moderators of this site. Everyone has given you excellent advice here. The reason I am posting is because the same thing happened to me. Now, in my case, if I had converted to Islam marriage was more probable, but it is relatively the same. He is a US citizen but born and raised in Pakistan until his early twenties, so his culture was already ingrained in him. He married his cousin a few months ago and brought her here. I will advise you to please leave this gentleman now before he marries. My biggest regret is not having done so a year ago. The problem now is he still wants to maintain a relationship with me on the side and I am fighting it because it is immoral to commit adultery, and if he loved me so much, he should have not married that young girl. I am losing respect for him and his hypocrisy and yet feel compassionate that he does not know himself and is stuck in a marriage he really didn't want. My heart aches for you, but if you don't end it now, I fear your battles are just beginning, especially if he tries to maintain contact and a relationship with you on the side, post marriage. Your heart will want to say yes, but clearly, this is wrong in ANY religion. Say prayers and try to be guided on the right path. God will be with you as you go through this turmoil. I've turned to God over and over again to keep me from straying. Bless you as you walk this tough road. I understand completely!
Peace be with you, Jenna,
Thank you very much for sharing yor experience and I am glad you found the way out of it. Thank God for that. And thank you very much for your appreciation.
Your comment, her post, many other people listening and bringing forward this kind of issues, will open the eyes of many before they get so hurt as you are and have been, God´s willing, it seems you are entering the process of healing and you have strong foundations to hold on, thank God.
Stay strong in your faith, in your submision to God, in your prayers and anytime you need us for anything, we will be here for you, God´s willing. God bless you.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Stay strong Jenna,
you are doing absolutely doing the right thing. This man whom you speak of is nothing but a hypocrite. He made his choices and now he must abide by them. He is not only deceiving you, but also his wife. He needs a lot of growing up and maturing to do. He wasn't strong enough to take a stand and marry you, therefore he has no right to return into your life and pull the strings of your heart. In addition, I feel sorry for his wife. She must not even be aware of all this but the day she finds out, I can but imagine what suffering she may undergo.
I advise you stay very far away from him. He will do you no good, and of course you’re intelligent enough to already know that. Hence, you are staying away from him.
-Helping Sister
Jenna,
I am happy for you that you managed to get yourself out of the situation I hope I will find the strengh to do the same thing. God only knows why they have done this to us, stringing us along just to drop us.
I will end this relationship when I gain the strength. Thank You for sharing your experience and advice.
Thank you ladies for the encouragement. Confused, I do not see my ex as a bad person, but he was lonely and away from all his family and yes, he wants what he wants. I had a frank discussion with him and he felt bad and does not want me to be uncomfortable. I also made it clear to him that his wife needs him and he chose to marry this way. Ladies, I have had no experience with arranged marriages until now, and I find the process depressing. I can imagine that many, many men are like this because they have to marry to please their families. Now he claims he chose this path, but his best friend told me long ago his parents were really applying the pressure. I have such compassion for his wife as I would not want to be in her place and I feel guilty for my own role when I should have left him the minute he had 'chosen' his bride. Confused, I will pray that you can get out too before you get seriously hurt. You and I both deserve a man that can be there for us and not leave us for another woman. There is no justification whatsoever in doing the wrong thing as I have done. Good luck on your journey with Islam and peace be with you.
Jenna, you indeed have a very pure and soft heart.
It hurts me at times to read of our Muslim men treating women (Muslim or non-Muslim) in such a deceptive manner. You claim, he was "pressurized". My dear, this guy knew his limitations from long a go, what guidelines his religion and for some part his culture has placed upon him. If despite this, he crossed those limitations, then he should have taken a stand for both you and himself and tried to show you the light to Islam. If he truly loved you, he would try making it possible, one way or another. Regardless, he wouldn't take the steps he did--1) Falling for you, showing you dreams, etc 2.) Marrying another woman and deceiving both her and you, and most importantly for me 3) Telling you he wanted a relationship on the "side" with you, disregarding his current and most important duty: his wife. This speaks volumes of this man's character to me. He's hurting everyone because he's lost; he doesn't know what he wants and what steps he should have taken to ensure he didn't end up in this mess.
As a 3rd person who’s neutral I see the situation from an objective perspective. Your vision of love has distorted your views in regard to him but I'm glad to hear that you have such a soft heart, mashAllah.
In the end, we all make choices in life and rightly so we suffer the consequences of them also.
-Helping Sister
Assalamu alaykum Helping Sister,
Masha Allah, you spoke the truth to Sister Choice 1.
Some verses of the Qur'an which suit the guy and from which he should learn a lesson, if only someone could give him to read:
71. And if the Truth had followed their desires, verily the heavens and the earth and whosoever is therein had been corrupted. Nay, We have brought them their Reminder, but from their Reminder they now turn away.
72. Or dost thou ask of them (O Muhammad) any tribute? But! the bounty of thy Lord is better, for He is best of all who make provision.
73. And lo! thou summonest them indeed unto a right path.
74. And lo! those who believe not in the Hereafter are indeed astray from the path.
75. Though We had mercy on them and relieved them of the harm afflicting them, they still would wander blindly on in their contumacy.
76. Already have We grasped them with punishment, but they humble not themselves unto their Lord, nor do they pray,
77. Until, when We open for them the gate of extreme punishment, behold! they are aghast thereat.
May Allah make us fear Him and make us humble in prayers and upright in nature.
Salaam.
* * *
jazakAllah khair, brother. I think you mean to Jenna and not to Choice1.
-Helping Sister
Yes, I mean to Jenna, sorry, got mixed with another post.
Salaam.
Thanks Helping Sister for talking to both Confused and myself. To be fair, I studied Islam for the last several years and he wanted me to convert so badly. However, until I made friends wiht Western Muslims, I could not grasp the religion as spiritual, because all he showed me was the legalistic side. And you are right, he is hurting everyone because he is lost. My biggest argument was that we would be sinning in both our religions. He did not seem to feel guilty and that bothered me more than anything. As I keep away, he will grow to love his wife and I am sure they will be happy together after all. Also, his own brother is marrying in the love way, so I am not sure why he was pressured into an arranged way. He was always honest with me though, but I suppose I hoped for a miracle. Either way, I hope more women are not hurt by all this because in the end, a Western woman is not considered 'good enough' for marriage by these guys. Sad isn't it?
Jenna,
Whatever his intention may be, two things shine right through this person: his lack of Islamic knowledge which led him astray in the first place and his lack of guilt when it was needed (i.e.: when he was deceiving you and presently as he is emotionally deceiving his wife).
You are an intelligent female and the decision has been made. Keep your spiritual connection with God and walk forward in life with your chin up. You’re one of those few women who have enough strength to refuse being the “other woman” in a man’s life when he is married. I commend you for going against your desires and for doing the right thing, the moral thing.
-Helping Sister
Helping Sister,
It means a lot that a person I've never met can discern my struggle and offer encouragement. It isn't always easy to do the right thing because it always entails sacrifice and human nature wants what it wants. However, when the sacrifice is for the good and the glory of God, then God will give the strength to carry forward on the right path.
Thanks again!
Jenna
You are absolutely correct, Jenna. Whenever you feel weak, read over your own responses. You are a lot stronger than you think mashAllah. Keep striving and good luck.
-Helping Sister
Since I'm Roman Catholic I can't advise you on religious matters but you need to see the issue from a moral, legal and social perspective. I work with women in community and a great many women go through the same situation. Just remember, you are young, you have your whole life in front of you, be strong and under no circumstance let yourself be a victim. There are a lot of people in your community that would love to help you and be part of your support group. You just need to get out there and connect with them. Now here's what I suggest:
1. Under no circumstance should you ever consider settling down with this man. Love aside, he does not respect you and you cannot expect him to treat you fairly as a human being or as a spouse. You are far more precious and loved to let yourself be taken advantage by this man. As for him, he wishes to live a lie and even if he comes around. Would you really want a man like that?
2. If it turns out you are pregnant, you need to get your and his parents involved. That's very Important. I know this is going to be very difficult for you but morally that's the right thing to do. They are your parents and they have the right to know. You need people on your side. Reach out to your trusted friends and family members.
3. As it is your body and if you decide to go ahead with this pregnancy, your parents need to come to an understanding with his family about how they will contribute their fair share in raising the child and if he or his parents would like visitation rights. If they refuse to pitch in financially, I strongly suggest that you take legal action. You really do need that financial support in raising a child as you'll have a lot on your plate.
Above all, don't lock yourself up in a room. Go out. Meet new people. The world is not ending in 2012. 🙂
p.s. I'll pray for your well-being. Lots of love.
OxoXo
Alice,
Thank You for your good advice and support on my situation. You are right even if he was to come round I would never accept after what he has put me through I know I deserve better I don't want to marry a man that treats me this way.
As for if i am pregnant, it won't be a problem for me to tell my family we are all close and talk about a lot of things. But I feel it is wrong to tell his parents, they would be upset knowing that their son has committed such big sins, he should have known better. I would love to tell his parents as the child deserves to have grandparents - the child hasnt done anything wrong. I know that he would deny the baby is his if I went to his parents too he has told me this a long time ago.
He would have to support me financially for the baby I know. I feel so shameful of myself for getting in to this big mess, I should have known better.
Once again thank you for your help Alice 🙂 xo
1. Sweetheart, it would be wrong to not involve his parents, if the situation arises. Remember your reason is not vengeance, your reason is 'to do the right thing'. His parents have the right to know just as much as yours. Otherwise, you will be a co-conspirator in his scheme to deceive his parents. And that will be harmful for everyone involved.
2. Don't burden yourself with how he would feel or how his parents would feel or he is going to lie. None of it hurts your cause. Because when you speak the truth, god is on your side and the law is on your side. He is trying to manipulate you so he can get his way. His parents are mature and rational and not childish like him. Life has taught them a thing or two so they can handle this situation and much more. So don't get worked up over this. Focus on yourself, you are your priority.
3. Be strong, be confident and limit your interactions with him. When you do interact with him, keep track of dates, time, and locations. If he threatens you or pressures you into anything, immediately take out a temporary restraining order or a protection order. It is very important that you do this for your own safety because you don't need unnecessary stress in your life. You also have the option to change your phone number; most companies will do it for free if you explain them that you are being harassed.
4. Above all, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! You are alone and in a dark place right now and that's why you feel this way. I wish I can hug you and tell you that don't have to internalize your guilt or let shame follow you. If you are feeling this way, I can only imagine that you are not sharing your feelings with loved ones and trusted friends. You'll feel a lot better if you do. However, If you find it difficult to manage, consult your community counselor or a school counselor or even counselor at a mosque or a church (I work with Muslim women at our local church). Ideally, you'll talk to as many people as possible even if it means having multiple counselors. The more you talk, the less guilt you'll internalize and soon you'll find yourself in a nice, bright, happy place!
5. Lastly, you are not in any mess. A mess would be you stuck in an abusive relationship with this man. You have been blessed, sweetheart. God has bigger and better plans for you. Cheer up 🙂
I hope you feel better and don't feel alone, we are 6 billion strong and rooting for you!
Assalamu alaykum Sister Alice,
I read your posts now and before. They made me ask you a question, which I do now.
If your husband is a Muslim, you work with Muslim women at Church and I think you must have had a fair bit of contact with Islam by now, what then prevents you from believing and practicing Islam?
Salaam.
* * *
Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.
Walaykum Assalam brotherrMuniib,
I would keep my response short as I hate to hijack this thread for our conversation. To answer your question, I believe you should receive a calling from Allah (SWT). I did not convert when I married my husband because I felt it would be dishonest to embrace Islam for the convenience of marriage or to make my husband or in-laws happy. I`ve read Qur'an a few time and I'm now reading in Tasfsir. Hopefully, Allah (SWT) will send me a calling.
Salaam.
Thank You so much for your help. I don't know what I'd be doing without all of your good advice. You are right in what you say. I will try to find someone that I can speak to in person 🙂
Assalamu alaykum Sister Alice,
Masha Allah, glad to know you read the Qur'an a few times and now reading tafsir and I hope Allah, Our Lord, will guide you to Him.
My advice is short: Qur'an is the certain truth, divine revelation, from God to man. Tafsirs contain explanation by scholars and reports and narrations collected to describe why the revelation came, when it came and for whom it came. So it is possible that it may have difference of opinions, contain flaws, human errors based on individual understanding, so let not any human error cause you to be deflected from the revelations of Allah in the Qur'an. Insha Allah.
Rest we leave to Allah, if His will is to guide you, He surely will guide you. Insha Allah.
I got the answer to my question. Thanks a lot.
Salaam.
* * *
Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.
Peace be with you Alice,
I would like if you don´t mind to share with you this post.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/pregnant-and-boyfriend-thinks-on-suicide/comment-page-1
All my Unconditional Love and Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com
Confused,
my dear I was thinking of you while I was getting ready to go out. I hope you are doing well and staying strong.
Life gives us numerous experiences both positive and negative but I firmly believe as the famous saying goes: “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”. You are stronger than you think and I want you to realize that and find your inner strength to leave this man as I don’t want you to suffer.
Keep striving, you can do it.
-Helping Sister
Helping Sister,
I am doing well and I feel stronger than I ever have before, I've realised that I don't need him in my life, the world doesn't revolve around him. I plan on ending our relationship soon, I know the quicker the better but I still love him. We haven't spoken much over the past few days, I've been focusing on reading Quran and doing research on Islam. I hope to go to my local mosque soon, although I'm scared incase no one will want me there - I'm trying to put it at the back of my mind and just get the courage to go. Maybe they will give me some kind of information on Islam. Thank You for all the help you have given me, I'd probably still be sitting around crying all day if it wasn't for your good advice.
Assalaamu alaykum,
Sister, do not hesitate. Mosque is a a place meant for "gathering". A place where Allah is remembered in congregation, together, side by side, as equal humans we stand, bow down and fall prostrate.
Let there be no heaviness in your heart. Insha Allah, you will find sisters there to help you learn more.
Salaam and may Allah make it ease for you.
* * *
Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.
Confused,
I’m very happy to hear that you are finally finding your inner strength, mashAllah. Keep striving and very soon you’ll be able to take a stand for yourself. Just remember, some days will be tough and you’ll feel like your back to square one but you must keep fighting and walking forward. It will take time but you must free yourself from this man, he will do you no good. We are all here for you whenever you may need us, inshAllah.
I am also extremely happy to hear that you are taking the initiative to expand your Islamic knowledge, very soon you will see the light from all this and inshAllah you may even decide to convert. In regards to going to the mosque, do not feel hesitant my dear, the thought of going there may be frightening but the imam’s (Islamic spiritual leader) of the mosque will be more than happy to assist you and answer any of your queries. You are showing an interest in Islam, it is their duty to help you and I’m sure they’ll make you feel welcome. Also, meeting some sisters there may seem intimidating but once you tell them that you are actually here to seek Islamic knowledge, the barriers you are afraid of will diminish. I’m sure there are people who will be able to assist you, inshAllah.
In the end just keep walking towards the end of this dark tunnel, there is light, I promise. I’m very proud of you indeed 🙂
-Helping Sister
Thank You both for all your help and encouragement it means a lot to me. I'll keep you informed of my progress 🙂
No problem dear sister, we are here for you, inshAllah 🙂
-Helping Sister
I'm not pregnant 🙂 and we've decided that we do need to bring our relationship to an end, I hope it will happen quickly but I highly doubt it. All I know is that one day I'll get the strength and I'll be able to do it myself. I'll keep doing my research on Islam, and one day I may convert. Thank You everyone for all your help and support it's helped me alot.
Cofused,
i'm so glad that you are not pregnant right now! Being a young mother is indeed a difficult life with many responsibilites so thank God that He gave you a chance to make things straight for yourself this time.
I am glad both of you have decided to end this relationship, but don't just "go with the flow". My dear, brother muniib is correct, strength comes from within and surely it comes from Allah swt but we need to take some steps for it to enter within us. Take your time but try to disconnect yourself with this man in certain ways (not meeting as much or calling, less physical intmacy, etc). You need to break that emotional and physical bond you have with him.
Keep researching about the Quran and inshAllah you will find the strength to break it off and move forward with your life.
-Helping Sister
Assalamu alaykum Sister,
Good to know about you again.
You are always welcome here, any time you need, Insha Allah.
You want strength to end? Sister, it is all in the mind, believe me, you already have the strength.
When you were born, Allah gave you strength to survive in the world, he gave you strength to get on your knees, then to walk, then he gave you strength to run, then to read, to write, to speak, to move around, to work.
All strength comes from Allah.
Take my advice with caution: End it right now. That would be the best. Allah does not love such things at all. You already started to seek His guidance, masha Allah, so I hope you will break it quickly and all strength is in Allah.
Our Lord! Give us mercy from Thy presence and shape for us right conduct in our plight.
That which Allah wilteth (will come to pass)! There is no strength except in Allah!
In this case is protection only from Allah, the True. He is best for reward, and best for consequence. - Surah Kahf.
Salaam.
Your brother,
Munib.
Brother Munib,
I know what you mean and I agree with you completely. Ideally I should walk away from him now but it's so difficult, it's easier said than done.
Maria said,
once you begin to feel the Light of God, you will find Peace, Love, Respect, Forgiveness and Comfort beyond any words can explain. And with this the strength to finish this relationship.
So I plan to go by what she has said, I don't feel ready to walk away from him now. I know I should and I know that he is using me now, but I love him. So the more I read on Islam and the more I read Quran, I hope it guides me away from him.
Thank You for your support.
Helping Sister, I'm so glad too it will be easier for me to move on with my life and it's one less thing to worry about. I will work towards not speaking to him much, we don't see eachother that often anyway. Thank You so much! 🙂
You're welcome, confused. Keep striving, we are here for you.
-Helping Sister
As salamu alaykum, sister Confused,
I would like to share this with you,
http://www.searchtruth.com/chapter_display_all.php?chapter=1
In this link you will find, recitation from three different sheikhs, the Quran in arabic, transliteration and translation in different languages. My first approach to the Quran was Al-Fatiha(the first surah), I listened to it in different voices until I found a voice that touched my Heart, while I was listening to it, I was looking to the transliteration and translation, to know what I was listening. Still now, I think I haven´t arrived to the depth of Al-Fatihah.
Related to the translations of the Quran, translations are always translations, and even when you don´t know arabic, to get used to the symbols help us a lot in long term, even if you don´t want to convert, to listen to it will bring Peace to you Heart, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.
All my Unconditional Love, Support and Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank You Maria, the website will be useful to me. I also have a recitation app on my phone, I'll look at the website and see which I prefer. Thanks for your guidance I appreciate it a lot!
Thanks to you for listening to me, if I can be of any help for you, just let me know, I will be here, insha´Allah.
God Bless You.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
ASA Sister!
First of all, Please remember that you are never alone! Allah is with you!
I know how you feel, because I went through a very similar experience (actually Im still going through it). Dont let anyone make you feel like you are not worth getting married to!! A good muslim,a good man would not care what others say! If he loves you he should do whatever it takes to be with you and take care of his responsibilities!!! WHAT DOES HE THINK?? YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO MARRY,BUT YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH TO BE INTIMATE WITH HIM?? He is not a good muslim my dear!! And NEVER think that you wont find someone who would want to marry a single mother! There are MANY men out there (muslims) that would! NO where in the Koran will you find a surah that mentions that! I wish you the best! I will pray for you... For Allah to guide you and if you are pregnant, dont forget that is Allahs will and miracle! Dont let a sinner tell you otherwise! BE STRONG!!!!
Many blessings your way!!
Assalamu alaykum Amira,
Nowhere in the Qur'an you will find to marry those commit adultery and do not repent to Allah.
If a person commits adultery in ignorance, turns to Allah in true repentance for the act, I would be the first to marry such a person. But whosoever does not repent to Allah with a true repentance, I do not think they have realized it was a sin and when they do not realize it was a great sin, they would not mind to commit the same again.
Until and unless someone does not turn to Allah repentant for it, there is no need to show any attachment for them. This is purely, plainly Islamic principle. If they do not turn repentant means they support the act of fornication and being with them, supporting it is also supporting fornication.
I am here for the sister to advise her to turn to Allah in quick repentance and Alhamdulillaah she has taken up the study of the Qur'an and is moving ahead with it, Alhamdulillaah and I hope reading Allah's revelations she will realize it was a big sin and will repent and it will be between her and Allah.
Sister Amira, we cannot call an act of "zina" and the resulting pregnancy as a "blessing and a miracle".
Sister Amira, we should know that it is Shaytaan and only Shaytaan who makes "wrong deeds and sins" as "fair seeming actions" for those who turn away from the revelations of Allah.
63. By Allah, We verily sent messengers unto the nations before thee, but the devil made their deeds fair seeming unto them. So he is their patron this day, and theirs will be a painful doom.
64. And we have revealed the Scripture unto thee only that thou mayst explain unto them that wherein they differ, and (as) a guidance and a mercy for a people who believe. - Surah Nahl.
8. Is he, the evil of whose deeds is made fair seeming unto him so that he deems it good, (other than Satan's dupe)? Allah verily sendeth whom He will astray, and guideth whom He will, so let not thy soul expire in sighings for them. Lo! Allah is Aware of what they do! - Surah Faatir
25. And We assigned them comrades (in the world), who made their present and their past fair seeming unto them. And the Word concerning nations of the jinn and humankind who passed away before them hath effect for them. Verily they are the losers.
26. Those who disbelieve say: Heed not this Qur’an, and drown the hearing of it; haply ye may conquer.
- Surah Haa Miim Sajdaa.
So let not the Devil, the Shaytaan make bad deeds seem good in the eyes of the believers. For verliy it is a trap and Shaytaan promises only deception.
Salaam.
Your brother,
Munib.
ASA brother,
You are correct about the devil making a sin look good, but this is a child! A child that Allah created! Who are we to take this life away? Would it not be a sin to have an abortion?
Thank you for your response!
Blessings
Amira, Thank You for your comment and concern.
I am not pregnant which I guess is a good thing, I have time to figure out what I want and need now.
It's obvious to me that he doesn't love me as much as he says he does, he recently told me that it's nothing to do with his parents or me not being muslim and that the reason is that we won't be together forever as we're not made for eachother..so clearly he is using me as you don't say something like that to a person you love. I thought his parents and culture was the problem but it's not the only one with a problem is him.
I'm trying not to talk to him much but it's proving to be very difficult for me as I love him.
Alhamdulillah you are not pregnant!
Im glad you have time to figure out what it is that you need and most important what you DONT!
You dont know how much it breaks my heart to see you talk this way in regards to this "man"!! I read your words and I see myself in them! I know its very hard to stop loving someone! Specially when he said he loved you... now all of a sudden things changed. Its very hard!! But please if you ever feel like you need to talk to someone who knows how you feel, and will listen to you and not judge you... please let me know!! Be strong!
barak Allah Feek ( May Allah Bless you)
Thank You for being there for me I appreciate it a lot. What is your experience if you don't mind me asking?
Well its long and complicated but I will sum it up for you. Three years ago I met the most amazing man! He is everything i want and more. Last year, on May 30th he asked me to be his girlfriend. He is muslilm, i was not. At that point i was not aware of certain rules we must follow as muslims, so i agreed to date him. Shortly after, i fell in love with him! He became my everything, we had an amazing relationship for almost a year, no fights, no nothing, it was perfect!! Shortly after we began to date, i began to practice islam and i loved it! Last Ramadan he asked me to marry him, and again, i said YES! I had never been happier in my life! Well his family said NO because i am not arab! They are working very hard to get him to marry ANYONE at this point. anyone is better than me. We broke up four months ago because of this. Just a day before our fist yr anniversary we got back together. He again asked me to marry him and i sooo want to im very happy, but deep in my heart i know his family will not accept me! So it hurts, it burns to see the man you love and would do anything for him have to chose between the woman he loves or his family! So... lots of lonely nights filled with tears. Idk if i should give it one more try or just give up. But at this point we are just "dating" like friends. no kisses no nothing. which is fine with me, but i also know that islamically it is not correct! For now he asked me to not tell anyone about our plans on getting married, which makes me paranoid as of why he is hidding me... IDK 🙁 And thats my story...
Thanks ... and plz feel free to advice me!!
PLEASE
Well I guess you know what your doing is wrong. Have you asked him why you have to keep it quiet?
It's a shame that his family don't accept you, it shouldn't matter if your Arab or not at the end of the day your a Muslim and thats all that should matter.
When I thought that my boyfriend couldn't be with me because of his family I could understand why he wouldn't be with me as I'd choose my family over him they mean more to me. So he must love you to come back and ask you to marry him, he should tell his parents about your engagement if he really loves you and wants to be with you it shouldn't be a problem and his family will have to get used it. Your engagement shouldn't be a secret so if he isn't willing to tell his family about you, you should really give up on him if his family means more to him. I hope my advice was ok, my mind is messed up at the moment so sorry if I didn't help much. How is your life as a Muslim?
Oh thank you so much! This really helps! I knw what i have to do but it helps to hear it from someone else. the reason of why we have to be quiet about it is because he wants to see how to break it to the family!! I hope it works out! And as for you... keep ur head up and be strong my dear!!
My life as a Muslim is great! i wake up and go to bed very happy and i know that no matter what i will always have a true friend in Allah! I love islam and im so happy i practice! How about you? DO you mind me asking, where do you live? 🙂
He should tell his family asap its not right to be kept a secret and you know that too 🙂
Thats good to know that Islam really does bring happiness and peace. I'm not a Muslim but I've been doing my research and reading Quran maybe one day I'll convert too. I'm from the uk how about you?
Yes! I will talk to him about that because something so special like love should not be kept a secret. Sooner or later they will find out and it is best to find out soon! 🙂
Im glad you are reading and doing your research! Insha'allah you will find your way! I love everything about it! Well... I am originally from puerto rico, but i live in Wisconsin.
Good luck with everything and let me know how it goes with his parents 🙂
Assalamu alaykum Sister Amira,
Those who keep the limits of Allah, He helps them, as for those who transgress, Allah does not love the transgressors.
Judge for yourself. The answer to your IDK lies in it.
Salaam,
Your brother,
Munib.
ASA !
So are you saying i should just give up? At this present moment I knw im not doing anything wrong! Can you give me your honest opinion plz! I would like to know wt a mans point of view in this situation is... Thanks
Waleykum Assalaam Sister Amira,
Well, "a man's point of view". I am not sure if I can give you that. But from a Muslim man's point of view, I may be able to say a few things.
Men and women cannot be in a relationship without marriage. There is nothing like dating. Also, I would seek a girl only with the intention of marriage and being a Muslim, it is not right to have any "dating" or "friendship" going on. It is not right.
Also, it leads to "Shirk" or "polytheism", which is most hateful to Allah. It is a state in which the guy/ girl becomes center of life instead of Allah. People begin to love that person more than they love Allah. They are ready to do anything for that person, but not for Islam or for the cause of Allah. Loving someone with the love which is due for Allah only is as good as associating a partner with Allah.
165. Yet of mankind are some who take unto themselves objects of worship which (they set as) rivals to Allah, loving them with a love like (that which is the due) of Allah (only) Those who believe are stauncher in their love for Allah, that those who do evil had but known, (on the day) when they behold the doom, that power belongeth wholly to Allah, and that Allah is severe in punishment! - Surah Baqarah.
The above verse is for idols, images, in greater sence but also human worship, etc, applies to all objects of worship which a person choses to love with the love which is due for Allah only.
Living life for him/her, he/she is my everything, I can't live without him/her, all these words should be for Allah, but contrarary to this, people use it for their "love". In their ignorance they do not understand what injustice, wrong doing they are doing by adoring someone out of limits. Allah is not pleased with such acts. Yet among our Muslim youth today, guys and girls argue about "love" and "falling in love before marriage", they argue without knowledge. Satan stirs up desires in their hearts, they become attracted to someone and make that person their "goal of life" when Allah alone should be the Goal and these words should not come up in the mind of a Muslim. These are against Islamic principles.
162. Say: Lo! my worship and, my sacrifice and my living and my dying are for Allah, Lord of the Worlds. - Surah Al An'am.
42. And that thy Lord, He is the goal; - Surah Najm
38. And verily, if thou shouldst ask them: Who created the heavens and the earth? they will say: Allah. Say: Bethink you then of those ye worship beside Allah, if Allah willed some hurt for me, could they remove from me His hurt; or if He willed some mercy for me, could they restrain His mercy? Say: Allah is my all. In Him do (all) the trusting put their trust.
We should repent for falling in love before marriage. Even if we did not touch or do anything, repent for falling in love and turn to seek marriage quickly and if no marriage is happening then leave it and move on in life and hope for the best from Allah.
Surah 23. Al-Muminun
1. Successful indeed are the believers
2. Who are humble in their prayers,
3. And who shun vain conversation,
4. And who are payers of the poor due;
5. And who guard their modesty
6. Save from their wives or the (slaves) that their right hands possess, for then they are not blameworthy,
7. But whoso craveth beyond that, such are transgressors,
8. And who are shepherds of thee pledge and their covenant,
9. And who pay heed to their prayers.
10. These are the heirs
11. Who will inherit Paradise: There they will abide.
You have a way shown by Allah as a believer. Guard modesty, be humble in prayers, shun vain conversations - flirting/ meaningless talks on phone/ dating/ music/songs/poetry - anything which is fruitless in the sight of Allah.
Turn to Allah repentant, cut contact with this guy or any guy who does not repent to Allah. If he says yes - I am talking of marriage at home- Insha Allah, I shall inform you of whether I can marry you or not by xx-xx-xx date. But if he does not do so, I doubt intentions of such a person. And even if he is serious, as per Islam, there can be no dating/friendship between you and him without marriage. If he is continuing it, being a responsible Muslima you should stop him and yourself from this right now.
So turn to Allah repentant and Seek His help. He knows you best and He alone will make it manifest at the right time what He has written in your destiny.
Salaam,
Your brother,
Munib.
ASA brother Munib!
I have woken up today to this powerfull advice! Thank you so MUCH! You probably dont know, but your words have given me that "little" push, that "eye opener" I needed. I cant be thankfull enough!
I have not spoken/txt this guy in over 24 hrs ( I know it does not seem to be a lot, but its a start) and I dont plan on doing so, whenever i feel i have to i will go back and read these wise words! When he finally contacts me, I will say everything i have in mind in regards to marriage. If he does not agree, then i cant be with someone like him, as much as it hurts! I understand it is NOT correct for me as a muslima to "date"...he must give me the place i deserve. I bet he would not like it if someone did that to one of his sisters... THANK YOU!!! IM SO HAPPY YOU READ MY COMMENTS.... YOU HAVE DONE A GOOD DEED BROTHER!!!!
Thanks again,
Your sister Amira
Assalamu alaykum Sister Amira.
Be thankful to Allah and only Allah. I am nothing. I just delivered the words of Allah to you and they did their work on a Muslima.
All praise be to Allah. Alhamdulillaah.
24 hours is much when someone is on your minds 24 x 7, but I hope keeping Allah in mind you will overcome the "weaknesses" within and will come out "strong" in purpose with the help of Allah and will be a Muslima pleasing to your own soul and pleasing to Allah, Insha Allah.
Alhamdulillaah, after reading your reply and opening the Qur'an reading the below verses, I have eyes filled with tears to read the Truth in Allah's Words:
46. Say (unto them, O Muhammad): I exhort you unto one thing only: that ye awake, for Allah's sake, by twos and singly, and then reflect: There is no madness in your comrade. He is naught else than a warner unto you in face of a terrific punishment.
47. Say: Whatever reward I might have asked of you is yours. My reward is the affair of Allah only. He is Witness over all things.
48. Say: Lo! my Lord hurleth the truth. (He is) the Knower of Things Hidden.
49. Say: The Truth hath come, and falsehood showeth not its face and will not return.
May your prosper as a Muslima with whom Allah is pleased, whether you be with this guy or not, may Allah always keep you guided.
Salaam,
Your brother.
ASA Brother!
Alhamdulillaah for your words! They are of much help! I guess I needed to see things on a different perspective...Believe it or not everytime I feel weak or sad, your words come to my mind and magically make me stronger! Of course, I still pray for us to be together, but if this is not in Allahs plans, that is also fine with me! Thank you again! ( For some reason the way you express yourself, you remind me of my imam :)...)
Please allow me to stay in contact with you, as I know that it will help me stay firm in whatever decision it is I take!
Blessings you way!
Sister Amira
Waleykum Assalaam Sister,
You may write anytime Allah willing, yes, stay firm and if my words are indeed, Insha Allah I am here. I am available for my brothers and sisters as long as Allah wills.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Salam!!
Thank you!! Would it be proper of me to ask for your email address? I would find it of great use, in case i would like to talk to you about personal issues, this way its private.
Thanks,
and i hope am not being inapropiate
Sister Amira
I have deleted the email address. Periodically I put men in touch with each other or women in touch with each other if they request it, but we do not promote or encourage private contact between men and women on this website. If someone wants to offer advice, they can do it publicly so all can benefit, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
amira, please log in and write your question as a separate post, so you can get advice on your particular issue. Thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I'm sorry but I need help from someone, he's now saying to me that he can't be with me because his family won't accept a convert, what am I meant to say to that? He also thinks that I'm doing this for him but he is WRONG I'm doing it for myself he's so big headed. He said there is a risk I will turn my back on Islam once I convert but why would I convert in the first place if I was going to do that? I know I have a lot of research to do, I've only read a little and I already know this is the path I want to take but I won't make that major decision until I'm 100%
He wants to become a better Muslim and I want to learn more, he said we should take slow steps together to achieve it and he said the more I learn about Islam the more I'll realise that i can do better and life isn't about him.
I'm annoyed to find that out about his family. Now knowing that the only reason I can't be with him would be because I would be a convert and because I'm not Pakistani.
I know I need to end it but it's so difficult, and learning about Islam and reading Quran probably will give me the strength to do it. I'm so confused.
Confused,
my dear, this guy will not marry you either you convert or you don't. I'm very glad to hear that you want to convert only on the basis that you believe in the religion, not for him so that's great and he can't see through this. He will bring up any excuse (i.e.: my family doesn't agree, you're not Pakistani, you can "bounce" back to your initial religion, etc) to get you off his back. My dear, why are you degrading yourself? He's just leading you on and eventually will discard you. Please, as hard as it may seem gather your strength and walk out before he dumps you. Don't let someone like him dump you.
Red flags are waving everywhere; if you decide to keep ignoring them you will only hurt yourself. The process of leaving him seems so difficult, even saying those words may be so difficult but you must tell yourself it is going to end one day so why not today?
Confused, do you honestly think he will marry you? Sit and ponder over my question. You may keep thinking "What if one day he does?", but my dear the reality is he will not and I am saying this because if he would, he wouldn't have said all those things so bluntly to your face.
-Helping Sister
I know he wont marry me I know he doesn't want me I've wasted so much of my time with him I know, but I'm in denial. I don't know why. I need to get out of this situation. It will happen but I don't know when, it will it has to. thank you for your wise words and being there for me.
To Confused:
What is it exactly that you love about this guy? What do you feel is keeping you from ending this with him? Is it because of the amount of time you spent with him, the physical intimacy, the things that he said or did for you (early on in the relationship) or a combination of these or other factors?
Need Answers,you've basically said all the reasons why I love him we have so many good memory together too we've been through a lot together and he's been there for me through some bad things. I can't end it with him because I love him to much to let him go, I know that in the end it will work out better for me if I leave him but I don't have the strength to do it. We have both agreed not to talk to eachother as much and we are putting a stop to intamacy so hopefully that helps me to drift away from him.
Give yourself time and space, sweetheart. Don't rush into things. You are far too young to be thinking of marriage. You have places to go, experiences, and adventures to have. Make the most out of your time on earth, we only live once.
As for him, his family, and their objections, it is all a big nothing. So what if you are convert? or a Christian? or a White? Its diversity. Pakistan is a diverse country. There are more than 60 languages spoken and dozens of ethnic groups. I suppose his parents will not approve of Pakistan either? And how can one call himself a Muslim and yet believe that a convert or a specific race is not good enough? Prophet Muhammad in his last sermon declared that an Arab is no better than a non-Arab and vice versa, and a black is just as good as any. Prophet Muhammad went as far as saying that those who look down upon others will not enter paradise. I hope brotherrMuniib reads your post. He's much more knowledgeable in religious matters and he'll verify that Islam condemns racism, tribalism or any sort of discrimination. Simply put, his family is playing the part of hypocrites and if he truly cares for their welfare, he'll try to stop them from committing such a sin so they are not ashamed in front of Allah(swt) on judgment day. And if he doesn’t, than that say something about him.
Above all, always set yourself as a buyer, never a seller. Most people try to sell themselves in love and their partners feel as if they have the right to reject. By setting yourself as a buyer, you get to make a fair assessment. It’s the difference between saying, 'I am beautiful, educated, and looking for a good man' vs 'I can't find any good men in this city'. In the first case, you are selling yourself with your beauty and education where as in the second case you are allowing others to step up and prove to you that they are good indeed and worthy of your attention. I hope you understand this concept because it guides our daily interaction and dealings.
Lastly, nothing happens overnight. Everything requires time and patience. Even if you want to leave him, it will take time for you to come to terms and you'll have to go through the process of deliberation. Important thing to remember is, never fight your emotions, either embrace them or discard them.
I hope you allow yourself to feel strong. We humans are social animals, so share yourself. Don't hide in a room, venture out.
As always, I remember you in my prayers.
Lot of Love,
Alice.
I need more people like you closer to home your so helpful. Apparently his family are strict Muslims, if they are I don't know why they have these thoughts. I don't know if he's lying about things as an excuse to make it seem easier to leave me by just making it about his culture. I don't know what his real feelings are anymore. I always knew we can't be together I never thought that it would be this hard on me to leave him. I know I'm too young for marriage, I just wanted to know if he'd consider it so at least now I know where I stand..I'm good enough for him now, but not for the rest of his life. He gives me mixed messages all the time. I don't know what he wants from me, he should have ended this a long time ago when he realised how in love I was and since he's always known he would never want me forever why do this to me. All he's doing is hurting me, not loving me. I know I deserve better I just wish I could walk away from him NOW but it's easier said than done.
thank you for your help it means a lot to me, I never thought I'd ever be getting advice over the
internet..everyone on here seems to understand me.
Sister Alice:
All I have to say is WOW! your phrase of setting yourself as a buyer and not a seller is amazing!! Eventhough this advice was not given to me, i will still take it as i feel it is very usefull! Also, your last statement about us humans having to vent and not keep it inside is also helpful!
Thank you!
AMIRA
Oh my dear! It seems to me that he wants to end it between you without him looking like the total jerk he is! I heard that " my family wont accept you bc you are a convert" before! But guess what?? We converts are just as good as born muslims!!! What a jerk! If he knew this since the begining why did he persue the relationship?? Im happy that you are doing this for YOU and not for HIM... at the end you will know it was his lost and not yours! He is not the man you need in your life, he will not let you grow as a person nor as a muslim! If he really loves you he would tell his family... This is the women I LOVE AND I DONT CARE IF SHE IS A CONVERT OR NOT because at the end of the day...WE ARE ALL MUSLIMS!!! 🙁 sorry u r in my shoes too...
Exactly, he says he can't be with me and it's straight forward for him because he knew he couldn't be in a relationship. He's just wasted my time. It's too hard just to completely put an end to it, it will happen slowly. I love him more than he loves me and he admitted it himself. It's the whole I can't marry you cause your a convert thats annoyed me. What's wrong with these people?! I need to get him out my life...slowly but surely.
Sister Confused,
The more I read your words the more upset I get at this guy!!! I have heard that too: "You love me more than I love you" and it hurts. Its like a stab in the heart! And I know i should not be giving you any advice, since I myself need it too, it is much easier to give advice than to put it in practice. But you are right. You need him out of your life and ASAP!
Dont let him or anyone make you feel like you are not good enough! I know i said this before but : dont let the whole convert thing get to you! You must know this guy is not a good muslim. You need better than that. Insha'Allah you will find the right one for you!! Ignore him, dont call him and if he gets ahold of you IGNORE HIM. Let him know if he wont give you your place then he is out of your life 4 EVER!
Amira
You are right I can't go on like this I know I deserve better than him but I love him I guess love made me blind. We have both agreed that we won't get intimate again, we will just be talking and hopefully the closeness fades away and makes it easier. I hate him for putting me through this. Thank you for your advice, it must be hard especially since you have problems of your own.
Dont worry Confused!
I am here to help regardless of my own mess :)... I dont think that the feelings will "just fade away" when something is so strong! It will just make it harder to say goodbye. Hate to say it but its best to cut any ties NOW before he calls you and tells you im getting engaged to a "real muslim" ( yup! that happened to me) and let me tell you it hurts!!! Dont talk to him anymore... I am proud of you for being strong and decide not to be intimate with him! But as for him!!! He should have known better...after all HE IS A MUSLIM...
Hating someone is a strong feeling, and you know what? He does NOT deserve you feeling something so strong for him! So save it for someone else 🙂
Amira
Contact me anytime how ever many times you want hon!
I know that I need to end it now everyone on here that has told me to do so is correct. I never thought it would be this difficult to pull myself away from someone, how do you do it? I see you haven't spoken to your man for over a day? I'm going to try that. I should have been prepared for this I've know we can't be together from the start but I always thought "what if"
Confused:
No one said it would be easy!But at the end it will feel much better. Dont look for him. Let HIM be the one chasing after you,and it is then when you tell him that just bc you are a convert does not mean you are not worth it! He is not worth your time hon! I c you have true feelings for him... but he has not showend that for you!
And as for me... its not easy! I walk around with my phone in my hand AND i still check it every so many minutes just to see if i "missed" a txt or call. And everytime i look at it n c nothing, it reminds me that he is not thinking about me so WHY should i? Im dying to call or txt him... but i know its always me chasing after him. So, this time if he wants to be with me "islamically correct" he has to look for me. The worst part? I know he wont. I have a feeling he has been talking to his family and AGAIN they are pulling him from me. 🙁
Amira,
I will try not to talk to him. I've gave him a missed call and a few texts but he's just ignoring me so you are right I should let him contact me and I'll soon find out how much he thinks of me and if he misses me or whatever. It will be difficult and I'll probably be the same as you checking my phone all the time I guess they don't have time for us. You should stay strong and do not contact him he says he wants to marry you yet he doesn't mind that youse haven't spoken in a day. Anymore than a week and you will know its time to give up on him and find someone better than him, you will probably always love him and he'll always have a special place in your heart but you shouldn't have to go through all this rowing with his family, maybe thats a sign from god that youse are not meant to be and you'll find someone else but it's time for us to be strong and try to forget about them like they forget about us.
Confused,
Im so proud of YOU! Yes, I will give him a couple more days, just to see if he needs space of time to "chill" but after that. I will give him the freedom to walk away without even having to explain himself to me. You are right, I love him and I will ALWAYS love him, and no one will ever take his place in my heart. But i can only shed so many tears, i can only spend so many nights looking at the stars and thinking about him. I also have a life i must live... And as for you...i imagine you are too beautiful and smart so pull yoursef together and look forward! If he chose to be part of your past, let him there. like they say : "There is a reason why people in your past did not make it to your future" and you know that reason. ( i wish i could give you my number, but i asked for someones email address and got a BIG NO NO from the websites editor 🙂 so please stay in contact with me) As i have learned to care about you and your situation. Remember you have a friend in me.
Your sister
AMIRA 🙂
You are completely right. Stay strong and let me know what happens. I've not spoken to him for over a day now I do keep looking at my phone hoping it's him when I get a text but it never is so it just goes to show he doesn't think about me 24:7 like I do him. Of course I will stay in contact, you have been a great help to me, thank you so much for caring 🙂
Hello again Confused!
Im very happy that you are being strong!! As i know from experience it is not easy! At times you will feel like " just one txt/call" wont hurt! But be strong!
I wanted to call/txt him so bad today but i did not! And after 3 days he txt me, and called me. Of course i was happy but i know it is not correct for me to txt/talk to him. so i told him we need to talk about this, i will then tell him that unless he is serious about me and willing to take me in marriage i cannot direct to him again. I know it will hurt but its the right thing, yet im hoping he will agree with me 🙂
AMIRA
At least he contacted you and didn't leave you waiting around. When do you plan to talk to him about your future together? Let me know what happens. Stay strong, you will cope whatever happens. I am trying to stay strong to, he text me asking if I'm alive so I gave him a text just to let him know my heart is still beating. Slowly but surely I'll leave him and Iwill do it.
ASA my dear Confused:
Im so happy to hear he txt u... but you should have been stronger and ignored him! This way he would have continued and at that point he would see that you mean business! See what happens is he thinks he has control over the situation and so whenever he wants to txt you he knows you will reply. Change the thing around hon! Be strong!! You can do it!!
N as for me, I am not sure when to talk to him. Probably this weekend. But not sure. I will let you know what happens.
Be strong sister! You can do it!
AMIRA
Confused,
Let me tell you something. I don’t like opening up my past but I feel that I can really relate to you in some aspects. I’m Muslim and was with a guy not too long a go who is also Muslim and from the same country as I. He never treated me well. He was using me all along and although deep down I knew all of this I was “so blind in love” that I couldn’t leave him. He was extremely controlling and paranoid; he just couldn’t trust me, ever. He always suspected me and I was so scared that anything I might say or do would trigger a fight. Slowly, from emotional abuse physical abuse also began. I was so unhappy and everyday before I’d meet him I’d tell myself that I was going to end it today, I had it all planned out—what to say, how to say it, how to not go so far that I can just leave from his car and walk home, etc, but as soon as I’d sit in his car I’d go mum. The words just wouldn’t come out. It was so hard for me to leave and whenever I did, he would reel me back in through emotional pity (i.e.: I love you so much, I’ll change, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me) or through emotional abuse. In a nutshell, I was very weak and he knew this so he took full advantage of it.
At the end, when my family found out everything and told me to tell him to take a stand for me, you know what he did? He dumped me, broke my heart into tiny pieces and disgraced me in front of my family. Since that day I’ve been coping with this heart break.
You know what hurts the most confused? It’s the fact that although alhumdulillah I know I’m much better than he is, he had the privilege to dump me. That’s the first thing my cousin said when he found out everything near the end. He said to me, why do you let people dump you, honestly? It’s just such a degrading feeling especially if the other person is clearly not worth you in any way.
So my dear my point of telling you this is that I know exactly how you feel—you want to end it but going through with it is so tough but we know deep down it is going to end. We however keep giving ourselves false hopes—I always did. The truth is, these guys don’t love us and just wanted to use us. It’s sad but it’s the bitter reality. Don’t be foolish like me and give him the privilege of using and dumping you. I did that and it’s so hard to get over that fact and forgive myself for being so weak. I honestly thought I was much stronger and never imagined i'd be getting abused by some guy.
Take your time but like sister Amira said, it’s better to cut all ties once rather than slowly because you can and most probably will “relapse” back and the cycle just starts all over again.
We are hear for you so keep striving dear.
-Helping Sister
Typo: We are here for you so just keep striving.
Helping Sister,
You really do know what your talking about. I'm sorry you had to go through that experience, I guess it made you a stronger person you are wise now and I should really take your advice. I know what you are telling me is true and just like you I have it planned what to say when I see him or speak to him but the words can't come out and I get all teary, I wish I had the strength to go through with it. I can't believe that guy dumped you after begging you to take him back, I don't know what goes through these mens minds I wish I could listen and warn all women, this stuff happens all the time I know I'm not the only one going through this which in a way makes it easier for me. He has such a hold over me, he's cheated on me in the past but that was a long time ago and I forgave him I still don't trust him 100% I know I absolutely should leave him I have to, the situation will only get worse your right and this isn't healthy and I don't want him to break up with me I want to be the one making the decisions, it will take a while but it will happen and hopefully soon I just need to stop talking to him as much and stop the intimacy, keep reading Quran and researching Islam and i should gain the strength to go through with it. thank you for opening up to me I appreciate it a lot knowing that you know what im going through and your experience has helped to open my eyes and see what I really need to do.
O my sisters ! Confused, Amira, Helping Sister !
Allah has given us life to Worship Him and strive for His Deen. Sisters, finding love, working out on love, failing in it and then wanting another love is not what we are for in this world.
Remember Allah has created us for His worship and in this process, we have been given some means by which we can do so. Like we can perform salaat, but we need strength to do so, and same is with our fasting, so we need to eat food, now food does not come for free, so we have to earn for it, so Allah gives us rizq, money, an income, and we have go give zakat to purify our wealth, so we spend from what Allah has given us and He gives us more so that we may spend on the poor, and the needy and our near ones and thus do His ibaadah and we are told to perform Hajj, so He provides us money for Hajj as well along with the means for Hajj like Airplanes.
What we need to understand is that when Allah commands us to worship Him, He also provides us with the means to carry out His worship. Henceforth, to be constant in our worship and not fall in to sin and to multiply us from one generation to another, he has ordained marriage for us and also to seek comfort from the spouse and be "raiment" for each other, saving each other from falling in to sins. But until marriage we have to be patient sisters. We have to Trust Him completely as He alone helps us keep chaste, but Shaytaan is ever working to lead us astray from the way of Allah, he whispers, he wants to break our focus on Allah, he is always jealous and in his envy he tries to lay traps all around us, he makes some guys/girls our focus of life, and we hear his whispers and we shift our focus from Allah and His Deen to these guys/girls who enter our life. When Allah should be our Goal - shaytaan makes fair to us to be with them anyhow as our goal in life. To get their love. Etc. Shaytaan is ever ready to beguile us from the way of Allah, but he himself testifies
36. He said: My Lord! Reprieve me till the day when they are raised.
37. He said: Then lo! thou art of those reprieved
38. Till an appointed time.
39. He said: My Lord, Because Thou has sent me astray, I verily shall adorn the path of error for them in the earth, and shall mislead them every one.
40. Save such of them as are Thy perfectly devoted slaves.
41. He said: This is a right course incumbent upon Me:
42. Lo! as for My slaves, thou hast no power over any of them save such of the froward as follow thee,
43. And lo! for all such, hell will be the promised place. - Surah Al Hijr
So you see what Shaytaan says to Allah? He says he has no power over the "perfectly devoted" slaves of Allah.
Alhamdulillaah our sisters do hijaab, they pray 5 times, and still somehow they get stuck in to relationships, why?
Because the devotion is lacking perfection. Sisters you all are amazing, just close that door through which Shaytaan whispers. Then let him shout as much as he wants, let him give as much false promises as he wants, but once you close the door had on his face, never open it again, let him keep on barking outside, you do not allow yourself to open the door for him. And remember this life long. Do not open the door to Shaytaan's whispers.
Allah has no shortage of good men and women nor has He any shortage of "love" which he can put in their hearts, but this can only happen after marriage and not before, seeking "love" without marriage is a mistake we make and then we spend hours crying and trying to repair the damage it causes to us. So best is to be in "perefect devotion to Allah" - Do as much as Allah commands us to do. Niether less nor more, so that doing less would make us lapse and lag behind or doing more would make us transgressors. Let us be firm in observing the limits of Allah.
Qiyamah is a hard day. Now we can pray for each other, we can be of some help, on that day who will help us except Allah?
17. Ah, what will convey unto thee what the Day of Judgment is!
18. Again, what will convey unto thee what the Day of Judgment is!
19. A day on which no soul hath power at all for any (other) soul. The (absolute) command on that day is Allah's. - Surah Infitaar.
Remember that Day of no refuge, when the sky will be torn apart, the universe rent asunder from all sides, let us keep in mind that Day and work towards it and send good deeds for our souls, to save ourselves from the punishment for Fire which will fall upon the wicked.
35. The day when man will call to mind his (whole) endeavour,
36. And hell will stand forth visible to him who seeth,
37. Then, as for him who rebelled
38. And chose the life of the world,
39. Lo! hell will be his home.
40. But as for him who feared to stand before his Lord and restrained his soul from lust,
41. Lo! the Garden will be his home. - Surah Nazi'at.
Sisters Alhamdulillaah you all are so good, you fear Allah, you try to guard your modesty, why for this "love" let all good deeds and efforts go wasted?
Allah wants to guide us sisters. Let us respond to what He calls us to:
151. Even as We have sent unto you a messenger from among you, who reciteth unto you Our revelations and causeth you to grow, and teacheth you the Scripture and wisdom, and teacheth you that which ye knew not.'
152. Therefore remember Me, I will remember you. Give thanks to Me, and reject not Me. - Surah Al Baqarah.
Let us warn our brothers and sisters of the ill consequences of love affairs without marriage and where it could lead to : the Fire.
11. Say: The angel of death, who hath charge concerning you, will gather you, and afterward unto your Lord ye will be returned.
12. Couldst thou but see when the guilty hang their heads before their Lord, (and say): Our Lord! We have now seen and heard, so send us back; we will do right, now we are sure.
13. And if We had so willed, We could have given every soul its guidance, but the word from Me concerning evil doers took effect: that I will fill hell with the jinn and mankind together.
14. So taste (the evil of your deeds). Forasmuch as ye forgot the meeting of this your day, lo! We forget you. Taste the doom immortality because of what ye used to do.
15. Only those believe in Our revelations who, when they are reminded of them, fall down prostrate and hymn the praise of their Lord, and they are not scornful,
16. Who forsake their beds to cry unto their Lord in fear and hope, and spend of what we have bestowed on them.
17. No soul knoweth what is kept hid for them of joy, as a reward for what they used to do.
18. Is he who is a believer like unto him who is an evil liver? They are not alike.
- Surah Sajdaa.
Let us forsake our comforts and our beds at night, let us cry to Allah in hope, let us cry to Allah in fear, let us make Allah our Helper and let us treat Shaytaan as our enemy.
5. O mankind! Lo! the promise of Allah is true. So let not the life of the world beguile you, and let not the (avowed) beguiler beguile you with regard to Allah.
6. Lo! the devil is an enemy for you, so treat him as an enemy. He only summoneth his faction to be owners of the Earning Fire. - Surah Faatir.
May Allah help us be His perfectly devoted slaves who are guarded from Shaytaan.
Salaam,
Your brother.
@Confused:
I’m glad my past has given you some strength. You are absolutely correct, so many women go through this; it’s become like a sick trend. I feel that some guys can sniff weak females from a mile and they know exactly what to say to lure a girl in. Once they trap her in the name of “love”, they now fully have access to her sound heart which they then corrupt and totally break down her self-confidence. That’s what my ex did to me. I was slowly starting to break down in confidence and was becoming totally reliant on him, although I am a pretty independent person. I also don’t know why these guys behave the way they do, it’s like a mind game they play. I honestly think they themselves are lost souls who have no direction in life and they have become puppets to their desires, so all they do is use women as a means of enjoyment to fulfil their desires. It’s sad but true. The main issue here is that they including us females lack the required Islamic knowledge and shaitaan (the devil) has a strong hold on us, especially with all those inner thoughts we get (i.e.: I can’t live without him, I’ll die if he leaves me, I will never be able to love again). We should only love Allah swt unconditionally and that’s where we go wrong, when we place this “unconditionally” love on a person who in any way will not be with us forever (i.e.: through death, divorce, etc). I suggest that you do some more research in regards to Islam and build your faith, inshAllah you will also get inner strength that way also. My dear, leave everything up to Allah swt. Dump him and tell yourself I have left everything up to Him, all my pain, my tears He will listen to and comfort me. That’s what I did in my initial days of my break up. Only Allah swt was there for me because only He knows to what extent I am paining and how much this guy damaged me.
@brother Muniib:
JazakAllah khair brother for the great advice. You’re right, we should think of our akhirat and alhumdulillah I have learnt my lesson. I have made major changes in my life but still have a long way to go. However, I have cut all contact with any male friends that I had in the past and I am content with my life this way alhumdulillah. I’m just focusing on my deen, my family and my school. Although I am still paining and healing I know that I don’t ever want to walk that path again inshAllah, I have realized the enormity of my sin. Through this experience though I have come closer to Allah swt and have also learnt a great lesson in regards to guys; I can actually now spot the “player/user” guys from far away (not being over-confident but this experience has really opened my eyes) so I am striving and learning from my past. Do make duaa for me that I forge this man soon as I am still coping and trying to move on.
-Helping Sister
Salam brother:
Im glad you point this out for the the two sister and myself... but it is so complicated!! If i had known this would happen believe me i would have never looked at this brother. Why does Allah test us when he knows we will fail anyways?!! Why have us feel something for someone if Allah knows that "someone" is not the one for us?? Why cant we learn our lessons in another way, not crying and "dying" for a guy? At this point i know that once i get over this brother i dont want to and will not fall in love again, as i feel it is a total waste of time and suffering is all you get from it.!
I see other sisters and brothers so happy with their husband/wife...but i dont understand why they get to be happy and we dont! What are we doing wrong??? I want to be happy and as much as a try im not! I want to be a good muslim.. i do!! i like praying, fasting, and helping others, but I want to find that someone! that fills me up completly!!!
HELP ME AS I FEEL I AM GIVING UP ON EVERYTHING!!
Helping Sister,
You are right in what you say, these men just use us to big themselves up. I wish I could rewind and I would choose to have never met him. I will carry on researching Islam and hopefully it gives me the answers and strength that I need to carry on. I wish none of this had ever happened. You will stop thinking about this man eventually you just need to keep yourself busy and try to block him out of your mind, it's hard I've not spoke to him in a day its sad to know he doesn't think about me and I'm struggling but I'll get over it eventually
Brother Munib,
Thank You for your advice. It's so hard to get through this as I said I wish I never met him, I'd be a happier person. I know I dont need him in my life but he has been in it for so long now. I'm young and I will carry on with my research, I'm going to mosque with a friend of mine some time soon and I hope it helps to open my eyes and help me see that there is much greater things in this life and that he isn't my life or world.
To helping sister:
I am so sorry that you had to go through such an experience. I now understand how it is that you are able to give advice that has such insight. If I may ask; how long did this relationship of yours go on for?
Need Answers,
not wanting to take the limelight away from Confused as this is her post, but the answer to your question is an unfortunate 4-5 months.
It may not seem like a long time and one would expect to see the true colours of someone after some time but I saw it really fast and so did my family.
-Helping Sister
@ Helping Sister,
Assalamu alaykum,
Insha Allah I will make du'aa for you and may Allah keep you guided life long on the Straight Path.
You want to forget the guy soon, right?
It is quite possible. You yourself you realized the "enormity of the sin", keep realizing it more, hate what you did, hate even the thought of what you did. Once you feel that hate from within, Insha Allah you will not like to remember it and when you do not like to remember, Insha Allah you will start to forget things and when you begin to forget things, Insha Allah you will slowly forget this completely.
I really respect your views and advices. I know you have learnt a lesson and you seemed to have come " back on track" even though I have not known you before.
I respect your views. Alhamdulillaah you speak the truth.
I do not like to speak to non mahram women, but this website is such that I cannot keep myself quite when I see my own brothers and sisters in distress, in pain or going astray from the path of Allah. And also, if I want to deliver the Messages of Allah, spread the Qur'an among people, I have to do it.
May Allah keep us in His Mercy and Guidance always and guard us from Shaytaan.
May Allah bless you.
Salaam,
Your brother.
@ Helping Sister,
Shaytaan caused me to forget and quote the below verses, which Alhamdulillaah I remember now, thanks to Allah:
7. And know that the messenger of Allah is among you. If he were to obey you in much of the government, ye would surely be in trouble; but Allah hath endeared the faith to you and hath beautified it in your hearts, and hath made disbelief and lewdness and rebellion hateful unto you. Such are they who are rightly guided.
8. (It is) a bounty and a grace from Allah; and Allah is Knower, Wise.
9. And if two parties of believers fall to fighting, then make peace between them. And if one party of them doeth wrong to the other, fight ye that which doeth wrong till it return unto the ordinance of Allah; then, if it return, make peace between them justly, and act equitably. Lo! Allah loveth the equitable.
10. The believers are naught else than brothers. Therefore make peace between your brethren and observe your duty to Allah that haply ye may obtain mercy. - Surah Hujuraat.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Asalamoalaikum brother Muniib,
jazakAllah khair for such insightful advice. You’re posts do light up my heart mashAllah. I am much better than before alhumdulillah but still striving. IA has helped me tremendously and everyday I am taking smaller steps towards forgetting him and I truly hope that one day his thoughts leave my mind and heart—this has become one of my duaas.
-Helping Sister
@ Sister Amira,
I try to answer your post as best as I can, it is late at night and I am tired as well, so please forgive if any mistakes do come or I make errors in the post.
Why does Allah test us when he knows we will fail anyways?!!
Allah knows you best from the time He created you. He has no need to do experiments. He is the Absolute, the Owner of Praise. He does so, so that the path of right and wrong is made manifest to you.
54. And when those who believe in Our revelations come unto thee, say: Peace be unto you! Your Lord hath prescribed for Himself mercy, that whoso of you doeth evil and repenteth afterward thereof and doeth right, (for him) lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.
55. Thus do We expound the revelations that the way of the unrighteous may be manifest.- Surah Al An’am.
Why have us feel something for someone if Allah knows that "someone" is not the one for us??
Allah knows all things, the hidden and the proclaimed, the seen and the unseen, and He wells knows your destiny. But, it is test for you, whether you choose the Path of Allah or follow the “whispers” of Shaytaan and give in to the “desires” of the heart which people call “love”.
268. The devil promiseth you destitution and enjoineth on you lewdness. But Allah promiseth you forgiveness from Himself with bounty. Allah is All Embracing, All Knowing.
269. He giveth wisdom unto whom He will, and he unto whom wisdom is given, he truly hath received abundant good. But none remember except men of understanding. – Surah Baqarah.
Why cant we learn our lessons in another way, not crying and "dying" for a guy?
By this way of crying and dying, Allah only wants that you realize you committed a sin, a wrong action for which you should turn to Allah repentant and thus He invites you to return to Him again, so that your turning in repentance would save you from the great punishment of Aakhirah.
21. And verily We make them taste the lower punishment before the greater, that haply they may return. – Surah Sajdaa.
At this point i know that once i get over this brother i dont want to and will not fall in love again, as i feel it is a total waste of time and suffering is all you get from it.!
Well, 100% true and keep it up Insha Allah, and save your love for the person to whom Allah marry’s you to. Surely it is waste of time and suffering because we “love” someone, we are ready to even “die” for them, and we do not love or adore Allah as much, nor are we ready to come forward and “die” for His Deen. So what we do? We associate a partner with Allah. Allah gave us everything we have, and will give more which we do not have, yet we love someone so much that we are ready to die for them even when they have nothing of their own, nor have they any power to grant it to us if Allah restrains it. How can we love a person with the love which is due to Allah only? So who is doing this great wrong? None else but the so called “lovers” without marriage. So this “love’ before marriage should be warded off and all feelings of love should be kept for the person Allah would bring in our life as a spouse, Insha Allah.
165. Yet of mankind are some who take unto themselves objects of worship which they set as) rivals to Allah, loving them with a love like (that which is the due) of Allah (only) Those who believe are stauncher in their love for Allah, that those who do evil had but known, (on the day) when they behold the doom, that power belongeth wholly to Allah, and that Allah is severe in punishment!
166. (On the day) when those who were followed disown those who followed (them), and they behold the doom, and all their aims collapse with them. – Surah Baqarah
I see other sisters and brothers so happy with their husband/wife...but i dont understand why they get to be happy and we dont! What are we doing wrong???
In striving for the Hereafter the Prophet suffered so much and so did his companions for the sake of Islam. What wrong were they doing?
We have to remember this life is a test. We will have to face the evil consequences of past actions until we repent and Allah forgives us. And He will provide to whom He wills. Allah is not unjust to His slaves.
18. Whoso desireth that (life) which hasteneth away, We hasten for him therein that We will for whom We please. And afterward We have appointed for him hell; he will endure the heat thereof, condemned, rejected.
19. And whoso desireth the Hereafter and striveth for it with the effort necessary, being a believer; for such, their effort findeth favour (with their Lord).
20. Each do We supply, both these and those, from the bounty of thy Lord. And the bounty of thy Lord can never be walled up.
21. See how We prefer one above another, and verily the Hereafter will be greater in degrees and greater in preferment.
22. Set not up with Allah any other god (O man) lest thou sit down reproved, forsaken. – Surah Al Israa
I want to be happy and as much as a try im not! I want to be a good muslim.. i do!! i like praying, fasting, and helping others, but I want to find that someone! that fills me up completly!!!
You are complete already, Alhamdulillaah. Do not depend upon a man to complete you. Allah has given you all abilities to live an Islamic life with or without a man.
Yes, the believers, husbands and wives, are “raiments” for each other. They conceal what Allah conceals. So you may ask Allah for your raiment and comfort from him and comfort of your offspring and make you patterns for those who ward off evil. This is the du’aa of believers in the Qur’an:
74. And who say: Our Lord! Vouchsafe us comfort of our wives and of our offspring, and make us patterns for (all) those who ward off (evil).
75. They will be awarded the high place forasmuch as they were steadfast, and they will meet therein with welcome and the word of peace,
76. Abiding there for ever. Happy is it as abode and station! – Surah Furqaan.
And regarding your fasts and prayers, Alhamdulillaah, Insha Allah you will enjoy it and get rewards from Allah for your actions:
35. Lo! men who surrender unto Allah, and women who surrender, and men who believe and women who believe, and men who obey and women who obey, and men who speak the truth and women who speak the truth, and men who persevere (in righteousness) and women who persevere, and men who are humble and women who are humble, and men who give alms and women who give alms, and men who fast and women who fast, and men who guard their modesty and women who guard (their modesty), and men who remember Allah much and women who remember, Allah hath prepared for them forgiveness and a vast reward. – Surah Al Ahzaab.
And Sister, a few verses which may serve as a better mode of conduct in your life:
32. O ye wives of the Prophet! Ye are not like any other women. If ye keep your duty (to Allah), then be not soft of speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease aspire (to you), but utter customary speech.
33. And stay in your houses. Bedizen not yourselves with the bedizenment of the Time of ignorance. Be regular in prayer, and pay the poor due, and obey Allah and His messenger. Allah's wish is but to remove uncleanness far from you, O Folk of the Household, and cleanse you with a thorough cleansing.
34. And bear in mind that which is recited in your houses of the revelations of Allah and wisdom. Lo! Allah is Subtile, Aware. - Surah Al Ahzaab.
May Allah help you live Islam in full submission to Allah and may He grant you Jannah for your steadfastness.
Keep being patient, ward off evil and remember to keep the doors of your mind shut to the whispers of Shaytaan. Take guard, be ready, be steadfast, Insha Allah.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Brother Munib,
Your post has helped me realise that I don't need a man in my life to be happy, although it is nice I don't need it to live. I always moan about my life, why does he not love me? Why am I alive? Why is life so hard? You have opened my eyes so much brother Munib thank you so much. I hope I don't moan about these things again and when I feel that way I will read you post. I will keep doin my research and hopefully I will be guided to the right path in life and will become a much happier person.
Asslamau alaykum Sister,
All thanks and praise be to Allah. I only try to convey His Messages so that they may help heal the hearts of those who believe in Him and be a Mercy and Blessing for them.
All praise be to Allah.
Keep researching, Insha Allah, all will be good.
I am happy you realize that you can live without him and there is no need in life to moan about such things. Life has much greater purposes to fulfil and Insha Allah you will attain faith in Islam, if Allah wills. Take your time, be firm, let the call to Allah come from within and then Insha Allah enter the Deen of Islam.
I already see the begining of it in you, just a few steps - leave this guy quickly, the more you take time, the more damage it will do to your research and thought process and divert your mind from the remembrance of Allah and His revelations which you read.
I have known a Catholic who has been trying to "leave someone" since almost 2 years now and has not yet done so, has taken up the Qur'an and read for guidance and is yet not on the path. I worry the same may happen in your case. So I warned you a few times.
Sister, you should know yourself, you are strong, you were living, you are living and you can live without him in contact. There is absolutely no need for him to be texting and calling you just like that.
All you need is good health with air, water, food, sun, provision for your living from Allah and most important Guidance from Allah and a path to walk upon - The Straight Path - where you keep on walking in peace, without any worldly disturbances breaking that peace within you - that is the Path of Allah - the Mighty - the Glorious. If He wills, He will surely bring you to that path.
You need Allah guidance very much, so strive for it more, make efforts. Forget the cell, make it a hateful thing to you for now as far as the guy is concerned, be hard and be ready.
Salaam,
Your brother,
Munib.
No matter how hard it is for me to leave him I know it won't take me 2 years, if I spend that long with him I will probably love him even more and forget all about researching Islam and that's something I'm not willing to do. I hope to be done with him in 3 months at the latest but hopefully sooner as it's not an easy thing to do. I know what I need in life now thank you brother Munib.
Brother Muniib!
Once again, thank you!
As you have made me understand that Yes i am complete, i dont need a man in my life! And all this "love and feelings" I have for another human being is wrong as i should have that for Allah and only Allah! As i repeat over an over again its hard, but after reading your comment ( he txt and called me) i have realized that unless it is islamically correct i want nothing to do with him! We will talk about formalizing things and hopefully be serious in marriage. If that does not work, i must keep my head up high and walk away from him! I dont want to sin,i dont want to be a bad muslim. I want to wear my hijab with pride! I AM A MUSLIM AND WILL NOT LET ANYONE PUT ME DOWN!! 🙂
Thank you brother, your time and effort in putting surahs and such nice words are very appreciated!!
AMIRA
As you wish sister. I made my concerns plain to you. The sooner it ends, the better it is for you.
May Allah giv eyou hidayah to repent and close the chapter soon for the good of your own soul.
Salaam,
Munib.
Thank you for your advice and concern I really appreciate it, whenever I need a reminder I'll look at your posts you speak the truth. Thank you so much.
Confused & Amira,
I have an exam tomorrow but I couldn’t help but reply to both of you so I will try to keep this quick and concise (I still have a lot of studying to do!).
When I read both of your posts the first thing that came in my mind was (Oh lord that was me some time back). This notion of “ignoring him, waiting for a response, showing him your value” –these tricks won’t do you any good in the long run, trust me. When my ex would ignore me all night long and be outside “chilling with his mates and smoking drugs” I would be worried sick calling and crying, texting over and over asking him to pick up. He’d switch his phone off, and the next morning when he would be “sober” he’d try to contact me again and at that point I’d just ignore him till he’d text or call me first. It was this childish mind game we both played with one another.
Long story short, this all doesn’t matter. My dear Amira and Confused, if these guys were going to realize your value they would have since day one. You ignoring them and expecting a response (even it’s a text asking “are you alive”) does not necessarily show love—it shows attachment; these are two totally different things. People get so attached with material things also but this does not necessarily mean that they love them. Being able to differentiate the two is very important. If someone will love you they will do so from day one and if someone does not have the intention to marry you, do you think they actually love you?—ask yourself this important question: if he loves me, wouldn’t he want to marry me and since he doesn’t want can I conclude from that? You both have the answers but are hoping that these guys will change for you. It will not happen. That was the biggest mistake I made—I thought I could change him, but I couldn’t. I can only change myself.
I know it’s hard for you both but I can’t stress enough that you need to end your haram relationships. A small petty reaction does not mean they will change their mind and marry you. These guys are not in it for marriage; they are here to fulfil their desires because nauzubillah they have made their desires their God. You see you are a means of fulfilment for them.
Someone very close to me a few years a go went through a huge crisis. He found out his wife was cheating on him. He has children. He gave his wife one chance; she didn’t change. He then gathered proof that she was cheating and confronted her in front of the family and divorced her. In Western countries, the mother tends to have the custody of young children and she was also an abusive mother. He wanted the children so bad but he knew the law wouldn’t support him and if he claimed in court that she was an abusive mother, the judge would say why did you not take the necessary pre-cautions earlier, you are also a negligent father so he couldn’t raise this issue as a defense for custody for children. You know what he did? He divorced her, gave full custody of the children to her and day and night prayed to Allah swt for his children. He had no one to support him except for his family (mother and father). After 1 year of constant duaa to Allah swt, He gave him what he asked for: all his children. His ex-wife without even going to court contacted him and said take the kids, I can’t handle them. Now he has all the kids to himself and is so content with his life mashAllah. Allah swt tested him and he passed his test.
This man left everything: his wife and his children and walked out empty handed from his home with a few pair of clothes and resided with his aunt and parents for a year. He remained patient, did a pilgrimage to makkah, came back, made lots of duaa and Allah swt gave him all his children without knocking on the doors of the court system. You see he had faith, he left everything up to Him and as a result Allah swt rewarded him with what he wanted most—his children.
SubhanAllah, we need more people like this in this world who have such strong faith in Allah swt that they leave everything up to Him and pass their tests and get rewarded mashAllah.
My point of telling you this is that please leave everything up to Allah swt. Have faith in Him, trust me He will reward you. Allah swt knows these guys are you weakness, you are being tested. Show Allah swt how much you love Him and leave these guys and put your faith in Him; you will see the bounties He will shower on you inshAllah.
Patience is key.
-Helping Sister
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Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor