Should I divorce or not? My husband is overseas and all we do is argue!
Hello, Salam Alaykum brothers and sis's. I just recently found out about this amazing website and it really amazes me how much people really help on here. I'm actually so proud to be a part of this helpful website. So here is my story....
I'm from the U.S. and I got married overseas on November of 2011 and it was a fast marriage, we were only engaged for about 2 months. He was soo sweet and amazing to me and I couldn't wait to get married to him, but he sort of wanted to get married quickly which I felt was kind of typical of a (GUY) ..sorry.
Well anyways, we did ...we got married near a hotel next to our favorite Imam and it was amazing. Fast forward to a month ago......my father came overseas to visit me and saw that my husband was really pressuring me to go overseas and do his paperwork for him, and he was arguing with me a lot because he became sooo STRICT on me. He wanted me to wear a niqab and doesn't allow me to go out, and I haven't been out in months since we got married. He just completly changed, and my father couldnt' believe how much my husband changed when we got married.
Before we got married he used to be nice, caring, loving, and used to let me come outside with makeup on and he would take me out everyday ... and he would never hurt my feelings...AS SOON AS WE MARRIED he became the biggest (YOU KNOW WHAT) I have ever seen. Everytime I didn't satisfy him in our personal life he would fight with me and I told him I'm not an expert in this, I have only been married once and have been married for only 6 months ...sorry I'm not perfect!! He doesn't understand me emotionally and physically.
But truthfully he had his good days which were rare because we we would fight a lot. We basically fight every other day for the past couple months. In the beginning of our marriage people told me he wanted me for my visa so he could live overseas, and I confronted him about it and he said that was before we got married and now he is just happy to be with me, so I let it go. But when my father came to visit us overseas from the U.S. he kept pressuring me to go along so I could do his paperwork. He would fight about it when I said I wanted to live in the middle east.
Everytime we would fight, he would tell me that each of us should go our seperate ways which made me really sad. He tells me that EVERYTIME we fight actually!! So I felt like I had to try really hard to get along wih him because he is so sensitive and seems like he fights with me about everything I say to him or every fight we have. Before we got married, he told me he used to be on the internet 24/7 downloading porn and talking to random girls...but I figured that was THEN...and he is a married man now..hopefully he would change.. In the Beginning of our marriage I caught him on the net watching porn once, and confronted him and his response was "I was looking at that for a medical purpose," SERIOUSLY? MEDICAL?
I have been married now for around 6 months and mostly remember fighting and a lot of ups and downs- MOSTLY downs... not being their for me emotionally at times... being angry a lot for no purpose.. plus he gives all of his money to his mother and father and leaves us broke half way through the month. I spoke to him about it and he refuses to work a second job.. Also he fights with me when I get my period because he wants me to be pregnant. He hurt me soo many ways, I'm not even saying half of them, but sometimes we make up before bed just to please him.
It is stressful and I felt like the only way he would change is if I left him... So here I am in the U.S with my family, and my husband is overseas and I have been here for a month and he doesnt speak to me anymore and vice versa..but we are still married. What to do? I told him that I didn't want to be with him anymore and that is what he wanted in the first place, but he is being stubborn about divorcing me. He said no talaq, but yet he hasn't spoken to me in a month. So confused, help!
-natty101
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Natty,
What can I say...you knew the guy for two months before marrying him. You knew little about him if anything at all. It sounds to me like you need to stay with your parents for a bit and reconsider what is going on in your life. Getting pregnant is most definitely not advised for you in the state of things. The mere fact that neither of you have spoken to one another isn't a good sign. My thinking when he constantly tells you, "let's just go our separate ways", leads me to believe that maybe he regrets marrying you in such a quick fashion. Neither of you had the opportunity to get to know each other to any degree and yet you married so quickly. My own son did the same thing. Saw a girl from afar at the University. Saw her for a year and was smitten by her beauty (he didn't know much about what was on the inside and never looked beyond what he could see). Long story short...they were engaged for maybe two months like yourself. Got married and everything went down the toilet. Why? Because neither of them knew a thing about the other. They were both miserable and the marriage ended after only 8 months! Had they taken the time to get to know one another during a longer period of engagement, they would have seen as clear as day that they were not destined to be together. Miserable it was and it ended up pretty ugly. Listen to your parents and let them help guide you. They love you and care about you and that is why your father came to see you. He wanted to see how you were doing and when he did...he was concerned as only a father can be. If your husband cares at all, let him pick up the phone. Maybe you have a marriage worth saving and maybe not. Only you can make that call. Wish you only the best.
Salam
thank you so much for the help ..i guess my parents are right they advised me same... but iam legally married to him through religion and law....i want to know if I can divorce him myself even if he is stubborn and refusing to do so? Can i make the move and go to the shiek and divorce, is that even an option? or... does he have to do it?
Salaams,
Requesting an Islamic divorce on your own is called "khula", and yes you can do that. You may have to return part or all of the dowry to have it granted, but it is an option available to you just the same.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
thank you Amy and Najh for the help but i have one more question...what do you mean by request, becuase i have requested it to him and he was stubborn about it...do you mean i CAN ACTUALLY divorce him through the shiek without him being present and just fax the papers to him? Thats what i was wanting to do. So Khula means i can go to a shiek and request a divorce and him going through with it?..Thank you.
Salaams,
Yes, that is exactly what a khula is- when you get a divorce on your own through a judge or imam/shaykh without your husband giving talaq. Often, when you go to the shaykh, they will first try to convince the husband to give you a talaq so you won't have to give up any dowry, but if the husband still refuses the shaykh can override that and grant you a divorce once the amount of release has been agreed upon between you and your husband (which the shaykh will also help you negotiate together). If the shaykh sees that your husband is giving you hard times about the release on any level, he will in his authority make sure you get the khula so you can go on with your life. It may or may not be done all by fax; the shaykh may want to meet with your husband in person to try to get him to be reasonable. But in khula, the shaykh would be wrong to take your husband's side and refuse to grant you the release if it's really what you want.
Khula is based on the following ayat:
....And if ye fear that they may not be able to keep the limits of Allah (to deal with each other fairly), in that case it is no sin for either of them if the woman ransom herself (by returning what the husband provided). These are the limits (imposed by) Allah. Transgress them not. For whoso transgresseth Allah's limits: such are wrong-doers." (Qur'an 2:229).
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Natty,
As you can see, sister Amy has already answered your query. Try not to overwhelm yourself with things, just take it slow and let your parents help you.
Salam
Salam
It does seem that he is only trying to get legal status in the US. I would suggest you speaking with your parents about all of these issues you are having, and your suspicions. I would also suggest not having any children with him right now. If this is the start of your marriage and he is already threatening to leave you, and watching porn then once you have a child you will have to bare being around this man no matter your decision to stay with him or leave. If you stay, you may be fighting around your child. That is not a way for a baby to grow up.
You deserve respect and happiness.
Salam o alaikum,
natty101 - Please seek opinion of a local sheikh/imam - there are quite a few blanks in your story and to be honest i would not as you to delve into the details however if u see a local imam, he will ask you the right questions inshaAllah and will help you see the issue more clearly in light of Islamic law.
The other thing i want to point out is that this forum is supposed to provide advise which does not direct seekers to adopt unislamic practices, engagement and communication after engagement is not islamic therefore i strongly disagree with the verdict Najah is passing on about the *rushing into marriage*
I would also request brother Wael to give his opinion on this one.
Regards,
Saqib
Saqib,
What do you mean, "engagement and communication after engagement is not Islamic" ? How can it be deemed unislamic? How are a couple who are engaged supposed to learn about each other if they are engaged and cannot communicate?
As far as this sister is concerned, I stand by what I said. She didn't know this man well enough to marry him nor he her. This man has only been married to her for what...two months and he is already looking to get papers?! What is that?
Marriage is a life long commitment between two individuals it is not something you do on the spur of the moment or abroad on holiday. They both rushed into this marriage and quite frankly didn't know anything about one another. If they had gotten engaged and spent some time getting to know each other in a halal manner, they would have stood a better change of building a strong foundation for a future marriage.
Allah hu alem,
Salam
Najah, i totally agree with you sister, also my parents have been on this website and i told them about what you recommended and...my father completely agreed and he was saying the same things as well. Had i made my enagement longer i would of known how much we are not meant to be..that was my only mistake. Besides speaking to eachother during engagment is halal...but i rushed into it to quick..btw i am meeting a shiek this week inshalla and he will help me with all my issues..but the muslims in my community already know what happened to me and stand by me on my choice to divorce..i am currently still seeing my husband cheat on me with several girls on his facebook...talking to them and god knows what else..so i have the complete islamic right to leave him.. and IAM. ...(inshalla) ...and to akhi saqib - if it wasnt for najah and amy's advice.. iwould be the lost girl i was two months ago...they have helped me greatly and i really thank you girls..i do not see anything wrong with the advice they have given me...its only right...so thank you all for ur help 🙂
Salam Natty,
Good luck to you with everything. Stay strong and no matter what, have no hate in your heart for this man...just let it go. Wish him only the best for his future as you wish for yourself.
Salam
Salam Natty,
1. My understanding is thus : In 'khulla' the wife requests the husband to divorce / release her. In lieu she can offer anything she wants ( sort of dower in reverse) - money, cattle,etc. The recommendation is that the husband should be considerate and not the bargain more than dower.
If husband refuses khulla then wife can go the Imam / Qazi / Sheik and depending on merits of case ( not on mere desire) annul the marriage ( fasak-e-nikah).
2. I would not pass any judgement on just one side of the story.
3. Your parents are not necessarily the best guides ( though good support). Many marriages have been destroyed by wrong advise and involvement of girl's parents. Ask friends and Imam for frank advise.
4. Having known spouse for short while or longer amounts to nothing. In thousands of successful marriages they meet only after marriage.
5. Allah puts love between spouses. Try to establish communication with your husband without any ego. Try to make the marriage work with compromises. When two people marry, they have to surrender spaces. Pray to Allah for peace, patience and to be on the right path.
Best Wishes.
;
salam alaykum tanvir
hello akhi, and thank you for advise. My husband has been begging for me to go back with him for the past week, he has been speaking to my uncles and close relatives saying he wants me back. he has been saying that he wants answer from me, he said is she going to do my paper work so i can live with her in the states , or is she going to come back to me and live here. also he brought a guy with him when he spoke to my family and the guy is standing up for him saying well IT IS HER CHOICE if she wants to divorce , then let her..and if she doesnt then she needs to come back to him. i think that is rude and shows how much mmy husband doesnt care for me, on the other hand my father says that he is saying this because he wants me to divorce so he doesnt have to pay the 20,000 dollar dowry. but akhi i do not know what to do any more becuase iam getting what i think is the best advise from my parents, which is to divorce...are you advising me to not listen and not take my fathers words?.....i dnt know how to do that. also they advise me to divorce him because they feel me and him r very different. akhi he hasnt called me since the 21st of april, also hasnt spent a dime on me since we got married . i dnt see why i shud give him a chance. everyone is advising me to leave him while we r still young and only been married for a few months so it doesnt get harder to leave him later on when i have kids. i think if i dont do it now then HE will in 5 years. everyone thinks im doing the right thing and pushing me towards divorce,....my parents say it is my choice, AND IT STILL IS .. BUT they do not support me if i go back with him becuase they think he will divorce me later and do somthing bad to me like treat me wrong because he is one to hold grudges. but in all honesty i do sometimes miss him and i do somtimes think i still have a little love for him but im waaay to afraid to go back now... i think he might do anything to me. idk anymore really. people tell me that im still young and that ill get over him fast...which i think is sort of happening now. if you have any other thing to advise me tanvir , then i really appreciate it akhi, another persons point of view wouldnt hurt at all. so thank you for ur comment
peace to all
salam
salam
Hi Natty,
You say that your husband is begging you. What more do you want him to do ? If there is something, talk to him about it.
Your husband's friend is not rude, just matter-of-fact.. Atleast someone from his side has come forward to solve . Who is doing it from your side ? The Islamic response is that one from each side should talk things over. Reconcile, or part in peace.
Another complaint that he did not call for about a month is insignificant. Likewise for stray occasions of porn watching.
True from what you tell about him ( and only from that), he needs to show more care, acceptance of emotional and natural physical differences.
Your parents are trying to control your life by unfair pressure. Their intentions and even their judgement could be right, and could also be wrong.
Are you caught in a web of self-righteousness and surrounded by people who either have just one point of view or for some reason are expressing just one point of view ?
As I see it, you need to dissociate yourself from all opinions and go for what your head & heart say - in that order and as rationally as possible. Include issues like visa intention, physical incompatibility, Allah's dislike for divorce, your responsibility as married wife, your age, possibility of finding someone better, your case for khula / mubaraat / fasak ,his financial ability to support you,etc. Do not bother about 20,000 and say a no to visa papers. Talk, or have someone talk, and reach a conclusion.
Pray to be shown the right path.
Good luck Kid.
Hi tanvir salam alaykum...just wanted to say THANK YOU so much ..i actually took your advice and decided to hear my husband out and told him that i basically wanted him to change his ways and that he needs to respect me and has to understand me emotionally.hopefully he will because he says he took me for granted and wants us to return to the same as we were before and BETTER. H ebasically told me that he has been asking about me for the past two months but ..apparently non of my family members told us beucase they said they didnt wanna butt in..who are the VERY SAME family members that kept pressuring me to leave him . We figured to work things out becuase again like i said i do love my husband very much but im glad he wants to change his ways hopefully so he can become a better husband. Thank you Tanvir for your advise ..i realized maybe my parents just hated him because of our problems so much..that they didnt want me to be hurt so they told me to divorce him..turns out eveyrhting will be good inshalla...also i want to thank everyone for thier hellp and advise..you guys REALLY helped ..I WAS SO LOST .but now i cant be happier..thanks PEACE 2 ALL