Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why did HE even create me?

mercy forgiveness repentance tawbah

I just don't know whats going on anymore. I'm so stressed and depressed right now that i just want to jump off some cliff but i can't even do that because i'll get punished in the after life for committing suicide though i've attempted suicide for 3 times but unfortunately all attempts failed.

My life has never been easy. I don't have any recollection of happy times when i didn't cry at night. My mother hates me, she wouldn't even shed a tear if i were to die right now. From the time i remember, i was always trying to get her attention. I don't even know why she gave birth to me if she hated me this much. I got nothing from my family. My brothers parents uncles aunts everyone was concerned about my sister only. And my sister treats me like some kind of plague. I always wondered why was it. Was i too ugly? Idk the answer till now because according to those who meet me for the first time, i'm plenty beautiful right now.

After not getting attention from my family, i tried to find a place to fit in the school. Even the girls there seemed to hate me. No matter what i tried, it was of no use. They would be sweet to me when they wanted something otherwise they didn't bother about me.

In 2 class, there came a boy in our class. I became friends with him. In 3 class he gave me a letter with i love you written in it. Though i rejected it and played it off. I was beyond anything that can be termed as happiness. The feeling of being liked by someone was a  first for me. Over the time, i began to call him my best friend though he didn't ever took me seriously but i thought he loved me. I don't know how i thought of him, to me he seemed a friend but others used to say that i must love him because i was too infatuated with him. Over this course, i used to talk to Allah every night. Because i was sure that he listens to me. I gained confidence because i felt loved and them my personality blossomed, i was in my full form. I topped in all the classes without even trying. I was classified as a genius.

But then in 6 , that boy started giving extra attention to a girl in our class. Later on i found out that he now loves her. I was left so devastated that i lost everything i was even ranked 4th and i didn't care less. I tried to copy her in every way. I didn't want to feel like i used to back then, the feeling of hated by all.  I became prettier by using steriods infused products. At that time i couldn't care less about any side effects.

I prayed to Allah to atleast give me this single person. Not as a lover but still i wanted someone to love me. I didn't use to offer prayer because once while i was offering prayer in a room, my sister suddenly entered there and upon saying my prayer classified it as a drama. After that i just couldn't offer them but still i talked to Allah every night.

My mother changed my schools and i also didn't put up much fight because i thought maybe someone there would love me. But there everyone was strange and creepy.  One of the girls back there in school whom i thought of my friend started some rumours about me so it turned that nobody there even wanted to see my face. After all this i started to look for an escape on social media. I did stupid stuff in order to be loved, copied that girl bur was still hated. Then at this new place i made a friend. She had a boyfriend and i used to call him my brother. He had a friend who said that he loved me. I didn't love him. But i thought he was a nice guy. I never had the slightest intention of being in a relation.

But then one day that so called bhai just got all hyped up and fearing that i'll be hated i agreed to be his friend's gf. He gave me a mobile and we used to talk every night. Then he started saying weird stuff. I totally thought he is my future husband. When I used to tell him to stop saying weird stuff he would just start to go on about how i don't like him because he is ugly. I thought he was in the same situation as myself. So i always tried my best to make him feel better. He told me to do vulgar stuff on the phone and though i didnt do it i told him that i did because whenever i turned him down he would state that i dont care about him and this and that. Whenever he said such vulgar things , after ending the call i used to cry till the moring. I felt so dirtied. The thought that it is wrong never occured to me at that time but i just felt dirtied. I never loved him but by then i lost the respect i had for him. I didn't breakup because i didnt want to hurt anyone like i was hurting all these years.

One day he brokeup saying i dont love and i was rather relieved. During this, the boy from my previous school abused me and used a very vulgar word. I was left devastated. He was the person i did everything in my power for. Even before he said anything i had it done for him for 8 years. And he did that.

I turned again towards my family and now all if them after being thrown aside by my sister, accepted me. I did everything i could. Even when i couldnt stand i did whatever they said just so they'll love me but now that my sister gave them a little attention they totally put me aside even now i was treated like plague. I have lost everything.

Thinking about what I have done, God definitely hates me. I swear that not in my life any guy has touched me. Not even a hand shake. I don't know whether what happened is zina or not. I can't talk to Allah like before. Even though I'm at fault at some places but I wouldn't have done all this if only God would've given me a single person that would love me. Why does He hate me so much? Doesn't He feel any pity towards me?

I might have become a satan now but i wasn't born this way way. Even when i was born i didn't receive love. I just want to die. I can't even use my brain anymore. In college now i'm sitting in a class of average student because after all this, my mind goes blank whenever i try to study. I just want to die. Though I'll definitely go in hell still it'd be a better place than here. I don't know whether what i did is zana or not.

I'm living in a hell. I don't even know whether a guy would accept me as a wife or not? I  can't just lie. I want to  that someone to know all about me but i know that  it's impossible for someone to accept me, too. I don't even deserve it.  God  hates me. My family hates me. I have no friends.  Everyone hates me. Even I hate myself more than anything.


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10 Responses »

  1. Salam .I didnt bother reading this whole story because it is unIslamic to do all this.As bruogh up with sunni scholors i will say and listen closely.Those who choose dis obedience and live a live other then what Allah has brought to Muhammad as a role model will live a live of hardship stress sleepless nights no money one problem after the next.Sooo you choose.You dont need amybody .You have always had a gift but you dont even see it.You can talk to Allah but the question is are you praying 5 times a day and reading quran ?build your foundation first and build your career.Rember shaitan is the cause for your weakness. Only that you commit adultry because your innocent n pure! So master your deen for Allah loves you and thats why your special

  2. Asalam Alekum

    I agree to the brother above me,
    Although I read some it did sound like drama sorry to say.

    As a Muslim we must do what Allah is pleased with. You should be praying because this is what your soul needs just like what your body asks for (food) daily to keep you active ,energetic and alive.
    Lastly read Quran even if it being a Surah couple of lines.

    You need to stop worrying about people not loving you, you're not a people pleaser why won't anyone else please you? For example the most famous person in the world... You know why? Because first comes Deen then comes Dunya.

    You need to make the proper Dua and that is... For a righteous spouse.

    May Allah keep you free from pain.

    Wa Salam Alekum

  3. Asalam Alaykum,

    Sister, how old are you? You sound fairly young. I feel awful that your mother and sister treat you so horrid. They'll be answerable to Allah on the day pf judgement for what they have done.

    I advise you to read Qur'an and pray five times a day as you're able. Also, ask Allah (SWT) for His forgiveness everyday for all the wrong you have done. Allah (SWT) forgives every sin except shirk, He is indeed the gracious and the most merciful. You have a whole life ahead of you for you to do good in this world. Please sister, try your best to refrain from bad deeds such as the ones you have described. Allah (SWT) has created every human for a reason, He never makes mistakes. Live this life as the best person you can possibly be.

    I will remember you in my prayers.

    Walaikum Assalam.

  4. Dear daughter
    Ur story brought tears in my eyes :,(
    Some parents donot care about their children but Allah grant them this blessing
    While others pleading to have children whome they wld love n take care of
    I cannot understand a mom without heart
    Mothers r so close to their precious children
    Im also a mother of 2 but cannot ve more
    Im so devastated to adop 2 or even 5 more but helpless
    I used to kiss my kids dusty shoes even
    I love them so much infact i love all kids in this world
    Here r tips for u
    Recite Quran but also read the translation of Quran on net
    U will find all ur answers
    Stick to prayers
    Make a goal what u want to b
    If not dr engineer
    Go for comp
    Or pscycology
    And work hard try to become some prossional and then every one will come to. U
    U will not have to run after others
    And b +ve
    Have strong faith in God
    go ahead
    U ll suceed

  5. Salam sister you have not said how old you are Are you still at school ?Uf you are are there no teachers you can speak to and is there no other relative you can speak to As for what has happened everyone makes mistakes please ask for forgiveness. I would do my best to move on please pray regularly and see if you can nskcan get active I. Your local community can you take up a hobbyAlso I think no you should go to the doctors to see if you can get done counselling and anti depressants Is it possible to talk to your family at all or doctor think you can get someone in yo talk to your family about how you feel Please remember my words no one is ugly Allah has created us Allah has created beautiful people we are all beautiful and wonderful in our way you are unique and have a lot to give to the field please never ever put yourself down You seem like a very nice person if you need someone to talk to you can always talk to me I pray that Allah will support and guide you Renemver Allah will always love you no matter what Take care Allsh hafiz

  6. Allah created us to worship him.

    [Zariyat 51:56] And I created the jinns and humans, only for them to worship Me.

  7. Masya Allah... what a good answer have our brothers/sisters gave to you above?

    This is what I learn.
    All mess happened in our live may caused by one or more things.
    1. A not good/close relation with Allah
    2. Not/ not often enough in reciting quran
    3. Not good relation with elders
    4. Problem with other people (for examp; you hate/ angry somebody)
    5. Not often make dua
    6. you are not excepting what Allah has choose for you

    So my question is, how about those four points to you?

    Are the answer good, often, good, no problem, sometimes, yes or the other way around?

    If the other way around than you should start to fix them.

    No. 1 key is 5 prayer and tahajjud (if you can do Dhuha, that will be plus plus)
    No. 2 key to recite and understand that. I bought a quran with tafsir and azbabun nuzul, they help me to understand it better

    No. 3 doesn't matter how cruel are they to you, your duty is to be good to them
    check more about sholeh kids... or, kids whose good to their elders

    No. 4 key keep good to people who are bad to you
    " It's no other than people who forgive other people fault except because Allah raise up his grade"
    " .. forgive other people fault, don't you like Allah to forgive you"

    Your position at this moment is a gold position.
    He is very close to you... Insya Allah if you make a close relation with Him, and do a prayer, it will come true soon.

    No. 5 key Make Dua of all things you wanted/wish to happenend/ have
    "There is no Du'a which not be come true except it will be given in the hereafter or replaced with the better one"
    (that means, all DU'A comes true)

    No. 6 key - except all what had hapened to you
    All what happened to you is written in Lauh Mafuds. A book.
    It's planned. And you have to walk on it.

    The question will be: How you gonna deal with it?

    As I've mention - you are in gold position at this moment.

    Because if you can still do your rights in this situation, you can gain lots of rewards from Allah.

    But don't say that All what happenend to you caused by Allah, because - if you haven't do your rights to Allah, to your selves, elders, and other people - than all incident happened caused by you not Allah.

    you work you get paid - you pray you get paid
    you recite quran - you get paid
    you good to your family - you get paid
    good to other people - you get paid

    The payment can be variant - from economy, health, good friends, good family, good children, good neighbourhood, calm and peace in your heart and mentally, good spouse, and more....

  8. wow what a wonderful person u are.... i swear God love you so much...He protect in every turn of life, He protect you from every evil thing and He show u the reality of everything after some time.....the God is so close with you He hear you whenever u share with Him.... the worldly love is a fake love but the love with God is so much greater of this love... u know the person whom God love so much He test him/her with many trials... read the life of Prophets... it was totally filed with grief and pains... even Prophet Muhammad-peace be upon Him my life and my everything sacrifice on Him- his father died before he born, Mother died when He was a little kid, :'( grandfather died in His childhood, and no one to take care of him, not enough... his all children died in his life expect one daughter fatima (ra).... he cried a lot in his life...when one of his son ibrahim died.... he held Ibrahim in his hands, and tears flowed from his eyes.
    He said, "The eyes send their tears and the heart is saddened, but we do not say anything except that which pleases our Lord. Indeed, O Ibrahim, we are bereaved by your departure from us." Then he turned his face towards the mountain before his and said, "O mountain! If you were as sorrowful as I am, you would certainly crumble into pieces! But we say what Allah has ordered us: (We are the servants of Allah and we will return to Him; We thank Allah, the Creator of the Universe)"
    also people denied him hurt him, even sore him badly... :'( do u think God do not love HIS Prophet? yes He do Love Prophet Muhammad-pbuh- a lots...
    so don't think like that God don't love u..., He love u more then others... don't try to find love in worldly things He love u sooo much... and one day He will give u His servant a prince , a great husband who will love,care for u most.... just wait and believe on Allah the Lord of universe the Almighty the most high the plss don't be sad or upset He is with you :'(

  9. Prophet Muhammad=peace be upon Him said
    Be mindful of God, and He will take care of you. Be mindful of Him, and you shall find Him at your side. If you ask, ask of God. If you need help, seek it from God. Know that if the whole world were to gather together in order to help you, they would not be able to help you except if God had written so. And if the whole world were to gather together in order to harm you, they would not harm you except if God had written so.

    He love sooo sooo much :'(

  10. hey I know I am late sorry I just to know that are you happy now cause you been through alot your story has really touched my heart please reply

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