Confused about my abusive husband’s behaviour
Assalamu alaikum,
I have visited many websites and this is the first time ever I am submitting my problem on a social networking site because I am at a stage where I am in total confusion and I would like your suggestions and advice to solve my problem.
I am a revert, Allah SWT blessed me with this beautiful religion in the form of my marriage to a Muslim man, I was a Christian before marriage, I met my husband at our work place, at that time he was going through a bad marriage and was separated from his wife and in the process of his divorce. I never used to talk to him or give him any attention but he persuaded me continuously with his sad life and crying in front of me which melted my heart and I told him I cant be anything more to him than a friend (unaware of the fact that mingling between opposite sex is haraam).
Slowly he convinced me that he loves me a lot, but I wasnt ready to be in relationship with a man who was from another religion which I explained to him. He convinced me saying he loves me so much that he would leave his religion and be a christian to be with me and that is the proof of his love (at that time I wasnt aware of the fact that its impossible for a born muslim to convert into another religion). I believed him and continued our relationship, later as we progressed towards our marriage planning he asked me to convert which I was very upset about because of his initial promise he made to me, but I learnt Islam and loved the religion and I decided to revert.
After many hardships from his ex wife's end ,our parents, we got married, but my problems started immediately after marriage. He turned to this man whom I never knew at all before marriage. He started being rude to me, shouting at me and getting angry for small issues.
Infact on our honeymoon itself I asked him why is he being so indifferent to me and requested him to not to treat me like slave. He got very angry and violent and he wanted to divorce me I fell at his feet and told him not to do so. Since then we have been having fights for small issues, he doesnt like me talking to my parents frequently, he says I must not go and stay with them.
I always tried to mend according to his way, when I try to explain to him he gets defensive and blames me responsible for his behaviour, our fights started becoming evident in front of his parents, in fits of anger he has asked me to get out of the house. His parents always tried to keep us together, but slowly he started verbally abusing me and also threatening to hit me in front of his parents. I bore all of it for the sake of my marriage, then later we moved to separate house. I was pregnant, the fights continued and one day it got so bad that he physically assaulted me, he held me by my forearms and threw me on bed 2 times, also he slapped me along with very bad verbal abuse.I wanted to leave him and go and actually packed my bags but couldnt go because of my love and the thought of my unborn child not able to see her father. I cried alot and in that stress I had bleeding and was about to loose my child.
But Allah SWT saved my baby, he got scared and started being very nice to me. I couldnt believe to see the change in him, which lasted only for few months and again on a small issue he bursted out and this time he took knife and threaten me that he would stab my stomach when I am 7 months pregnant. When I told him that i will leave him he melted and fell at my feet and apologized and as usual I forgave him. Now we have a baby girl, when my baby was just 20days old and was crying all night because of colic, he snatched the child from me and yelled at her and in another instance he tried to slap her just because she wasnt sleeping. Every fight we have he threatens me that he would say talaq, now he says he will divorce me and will take the child away from me because I am revert and the child has to be raised as muslim.
I always try to be good muslimah, in the beginning I used to pray 5 times, nowadays I do miss sometimes which I know is a sin but i try to perform salat as many times as I could. I learnt arabic, and I do read quran and wish to complete soon. I started wearing hijab and abaya, I wish and want my daughter to be a good muslimah, his parents and sisters love me a lot and are very proud of me, even he says good things about me when he is in good mood but when he looses his temper he is not controllable.
I feel humiliated depressed and I am always living in fear, he calls me names he mocks at my faith saying I am acting and that I am a liar. whereas he never prays regularly if we ask him to pray he gets angry, he prays only when he feels like, also he goes late for friday prayers. I am just tooo fed up with my life and confused, I think at times it better to leave him because i really feel unsafe when he gets angry. Once he caught me by my neck and tried to choke me. None of his parents advice is able to calm him down. He may calm down for 1 or 2 months then again the same thing happens.
Please advice me what should I do? Should I leave him? Who will get the custody of the child? I want my baby to grow up as a good muslimah for which she needs to grow up in a muslim family, if i leave my husband I have to stay with my parents who are christians which will make it difficult for me to follow Islam. Also since this is his second marriage I feel bad for him to put him through the same situation but it seems he used to hit his first wife also but then she was also equally hot tempered so literally they both used to have physical fights this i came to know only after marriage.
I know its quite a lengthy mail but it was important for me to explain the situation. (FYI - married for one and half year)
Jazak Allah Khairan for your time and patience.
-proudbeingmuslimah
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Walaykum as salam, proudbeingmuslimah,
You have a family, they will respect your choices in life and you are the one to be with your daughter to teach her to be a good muslimah, insha´Allah.
Look for proffessional help, go to a social assistant, a lawyer, someone that will advise you to keep the custody of your baby and will talk to you about your rights, please, don´t let him abuse you or your baby any more, that is not love, that is domestic violence, gender violence, ... move quietly, don´t trust him with your thoughts or your movements, talk to your parents, they need to be ready for you two, and go to the police if necessary.
Please, love yourself and your baby more than you love him, don´t feel pity for him, he has hurt you, ...please save yourself and your daughter from him, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Respect, Love and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam Alaykum sister im so proud of you, my heart goes out to you because of the pain your going through may Allah guide and protect you in the mist of danger from your husband En Shaa Allah i understand what your going through i thinks its best too love yourself first and your baby yes, and pray to Allah sister be stronge keep your faith up and try not to let him make you sad or stress just try be happy he will soon wonder why are you so good and he is not im sure he will get tired of his actions when he see you new muslim and being good wife and muslim women En Shaa Allah i will pray for you.
sister ive just read your post and it reminded of myself,i have a controling husband also who controls my every move to where i look and to who i should talk to.i had exact problem, after i go tmarried to my husband ,he changed in to a person i had never knew.
sister i really feel for you and i understand when you say your living in fear every second of the day because you just don know when they'll switch on you.Ive not feel pregnant yet but when i think about having a baby ,it makes me think about the consequence's after that but when ever Allah wills.Sister all i can say is your much better that this person and you deserve much better.he deceived you with his promises and then once your there wife,they think of you as slave .I hope Allah gives you the courage to make the right decision .In Islam if your not happy in your married life you can separate.In your case when you say you'll leave him ,he starts apologizing and then you feel sorry for him and think his changed but men like this never CHANGE.i read up on on physical and emotional abuse and i come under that category, where as reading your post,it seems like your going through the same too. Ive got no one to go to but you sister can get out of it.
Hello Sister,
I do not know what advice to give you but I can tell you that I feel your pain and confusion.
Because what you're going through, I might Allah Forbid see in the future too!
I have an emotionally abusive, manipulative, control freak for a fiance with whom I have been involved with since the past 11 years.
He changed about 4-5 years back after facing a lot of frustration over employment. He began with light verbal abuse but he used to pray 5 times a day.
Today we are engaged, he hardly prays and like your husband offers late friday prayers. Abuses me like a truck driver or even worse. Taunts and mockery of the worst kind. And has nearly hit me twice.
I just wish Allah Paak would give me the strength to move on and give you the strength to handle the pain and make your life much better....Aameen.
I pray for your and your daughter's safety and health!
I am sorry I couldn't help you more.
All the best.
Be strong.
Keep faith!
First of all my sincere apologies for the delay in response to everyone who commented on my post. We were not in the country for a month also had some problem with internet connectivity. Im really sorry...
Jazak Allah Khairan for all your advices. I will make dua for sister hurt and sister Sameera to overcome their difficult phase, I can only imagine what you must be going through, Sister Maria and Sister Rita thank you for your comments. Sister Rita I have tried what you have mentioned in your post but now im losing my patience.
I know it is important to love oneself first but people around me like his sister and mother keeps telling me that a woman cannot survive alone in this world. Also she cant bring up a child on her own.. A woman's respect is known to her because of her husband and that she has no value or place if she leaves her husband. Is it true?
We went to our country for vacation and just returned few weeks back, things were pretty normal until last week, when we had a fight and things went out of hand, it started with small issue. He was at home and i was busy in kitchen, I asked him to keep a check on our baby as she started crawling and reaches almost every place. He could only manage for an hour and after that he lost his cool and yelled at the little one and grabbed her and made her sit, since she is small and just learnt to sit lost her balance and fell and hurt herself, she was crying, I was really annoyed at him as he was still yelling at her while she was crying, in fit of anger I shouted at him for being so rude to the baby, thats it, he just lost it started abusing me, I never said much as my baby was crying, but the fight carried on to next day where he tried to choke me several times, the moment i start to cough he would leave my neck, he threatened to break my face and actually placed his fist on my cheeks and pressed as hard he could, he then did the most disgusting thing i could ever imagine, HE SPAT ON MY FACE!!!!! I am humiliated, i feel disgusted, we both are educated and come from good families but this kind of behaviour is pathetic. I am a fool I still thought may be he will regret but for 2 days he didnt even show remorse over it, whenever I asked him he said "YOU DESERVE IT" , he says that he gave me the child , he provides me with food so he can do anything to me and that I should be grateful to him...I told his sister what he did and told her that Im walking off from this marriage as I cannot stay with a man who spits on my face, I guess she scolded him or adviced him he came to me and cried and said sorry. As usual like a fool Im still sitting in this house dont know what I am waiting for, may be next he will break my face or stab me... Dont know why Im such a dumb female? Honestly I guess I lost all my confidence in this last one and half year of marriage, now I feel Im good for nothing and Im depedent on him...
Dont know what he told to his sister, she told me that I made him angry which caused him to be like that, he also gave me the same explanation. My question: Do you think that a person is responsible for own actions or he is forgivable because he says he was provocated? Dont I have the right to say anything when he yells at my 7 months old baby? He holds me responsible for his abusive behaviour, I just cant stand this, I feel like killing myself, but when I look at my baby I see a reason to live... 🙁 Now he is all lovey dovey to me but I just cant look at his face, I have so much anger in me waiting to burst out... Please help me, I feel Im going under depression, Im really fed up... I did istikhara but didnt get any answer.. Please please help me.
As salamu alaykum, my beloved Sister,
What are you waiting for, which will be the next step? He can kill you, Allah(swt) forbids, if you don´t stop this, your daughter needs you, your family needs you, please, get out of there, I would say again what I said at the beginning, you should look for help, what would happens if he lose control, if he doesn´t stop on time?
Please, don´t talk to anyone to alert him if you are going to move out, you are a strong woman, you cannot live waiting for the next episode of rage, this is a terrible situation, please, listen and plan a way of moving, talk to your parents, if you go with them at least, your daughter may have the opportunity to be raised by you, but if he damages you, Allah (swt) forbids, who is going to raise her?
Pray your salat, you may feel Allah(swt) guidance, I am sure of it, insha´Allah.
I wil pray for you, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Support, Love and Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaamu alaikum my dear sister.
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I pray that Allah swt helps you through this.
You need to know that you are priceless, you do not deserve to be treated in such a way - and neither does your innocent baby. You are a Muslimah and our worth is not dictated to us by who we marry. So you do not lose your respect by being alone and your respect does not come from your husband.
No person is better than another in any way except by good deeds. Please do not feel as though you are worthless and do not take any notice of what your sister in law and mother have said. They may try to help but they are only trying to manipulate you into staying. Also know that while you may 'feel' good for nothing due to your husbands treatment towards you - this is how you feel - it is not reality. What I am trying to say is his behaviour is not a reflection on you, its a reflection on him.
Anger is a part of life - some of us get angry more easily than others but to take that anger to the level of violence is completely unacceptable. Moreover, from your post it seems he has no desire to change -and you are sitting in a room with a ticking time-bomb waiting for him to go off. Not only does he seem to not want to change - hes blaming it on you and trying to make you feel as though you are in the wrong. Another way at controlling you and making you feel helpless. You say you feel like killing yourself. Remove such thoughts - it will not solve anything and bring you more pain. There is a solution and with hardship there is ease.
You need to leave and I agree with the advice sister Maria has written below, you need to do so quietly. You are not safe, and the situation seems to be worsening. Realise your worth and if you cannot do it for yourself, then please do it for your daughter. Make arrangements quietly to sort out accomadation so you are prepared. While you are doing this, stay out of your husbands way - be nice to him. I am not saying that you provoke him but do not do anything which may make him angry - so dont ask him to keep an eye on her - etc. This is for your own safety. As soon as you have made your arrangements when he is not around leave and take any important documents (like passports) or anything you need with you.
The priority is to keep you and your baby safe. For now do not concern yourself with divorce etc. Do not worry. You have a duty as Muslimah to protect yourself and your daughter so please be safe. Of course keep praying your salat.
There will undoubtedly be drama with his family, but be strong and stick to your guns. His family will no doubt tell you your daughter needs her father and many other excuses etc but it is better to have no father figure than a violent one. Seeing a parent hurt by another has a very negative impact on the child. Work to raise your daughter as good Muslimah.
If you need any more advice or support then we are here for you dear sister.
Never forget that Allah swt never puts a burden on us greater than we can bear. He loves you and He will help you through this. Do not forget you are a strong woman who deserves to be happy and to live in peace.
And No one, regardless of gender, race, religion deserves to be abused in such a way. I would advise the same to others in your situation
May Allah swt give you strength with your trial and protect you and your daughter (and others in your situation.
Ameen
(sorry for the long post)
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Jazak Allah Khairan Sisters for your response, I feel better now and strong. Sister Sara, I really appreciate the time you took to post the long response. I really felt good reading it. Thank you.
Sister Maria, I agree with you, I need to leave him without his knowledge otherwise its not possible. Well very soon I will be taking my decision, will keep you both posted.
Once again Thank you...
My sincere appreciation to the one who created this website which helps people to find comfort during trying times, I am sure many people must have been saved from the thought of committing suicide once they talk to you all through this medium.
My duas for all of you who is doing such a good work..
Allah Hafiz
Assalamu alaykum,
Please make more du'aa for this website, the people who made it and the people who take out time to respond to questioners.
Indeed, I was unaware of this kind of website until a couple of weeks back. Masha Allah, it is a blessed place I believe. It really gives peace to be of some help to our brothers and sisters and feels like at least being Muslims we are doing "little" good if not more by giving some time in responding to questions.
I firmly believe the Qur'an is the certain truth and in my responses I lay great stress on Sabr and I feel happy at the end of the day for doing so.
Surah 103. Al-Asr
1. By the declining day,
2. Lo! man is in a state of loss,
3. Save those who believe and do good works, and exhort one another to truth and exhort one another to endurance.
May Allah make this website more popular and make it a place for the starting point of revolution in the Muslim world plagued by ignorance, harmful cultural influences and heedlessness to the Revelations of Allah.
May Allah help us spread knowledge and invite people to the path of Islam and may Allah accept our small efforts.
And praise be to Allah and appreciation for those who run the website.
Salaam.
* * *
Jazak Allah khayr. Your presence and comments on this website are appreciated.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
@ proudbeingmuslimah......
May ALLAH grant you the highest level of paradise . Whatever , you are suffering is absolutely horrible . You deserve to be rewarded in life hereafter with the most beautiful bounties . Don't lose faith my sister and I'll definitely pray for your well being .
Your husband doesn't understand the value of a person like you . Many man crave a woman like you . Your husband must be grateful to Allah that he has been blessed with such a righteous woman .
Your husband has all the characteristic of being bipolar and abusive .
What is wrong with You girl????????
Why You re staying with crazy ,sadistic psycho who will maybe kill You one day and baby
You re so lucky to have good parents ,its just sad that You dont see how You r hurting them being with an idiot putting Your life and Your baby life in danger ...Your baby will not grow to be a normal child she will be very scared will not have a normal relationship etc......why u re doing that 2 her???
i hope You re taking pills not 2 get pregnant again?
If I would b You and have nice parents like U have i would be there now....
first i would stop at the police and get order of protection from him...
Run girl run...
there is so many nice and loving men who would treat You with respect ......why You need to suffer ?dont do it to yourself and the baby...!!
please dont worry about religion so much .....U really sound like a maniac ...dont get angry..but You r not putting safety for you and baby first ....Allah can wait trust me...or Jesus or Buddha whatever
wake up and run still if You can You re not beaten to death like a dog by a man whom U ve chosen ....to love what an irony !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You need to be safe !!!!!thats the priority !!!!!!