Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Did she use black magic as an excuse to cheat?

Man with guilty woman in the background (cheating)As salaamu alaykum

I request you to kindly guide & advice me for my difficult situation. It is a long letter, as am writing it in detail so that everything is clearly understood. Am sorry for causing inconvenience due to such long letter, request you to please bear with me.

I have been married for 19 years and have two sons aged eight and fourteen. I work on ships, staying away from home for about 4 to 5 months & staying home for about the same period. This profession is a common one among our community and thus the females of our community are very comfortable with it and accept it.

The issue happened in the year 2015 (July / August). I discovered that my wife was having an affair with a non-Muslim and that they also had been having physical relations.

Just to give you a background, during my initial period of my marriage there were frequent fights happening in my house between my wife and mother. Also, some unexplained/unnatural things started happening with my wife, like she getting the feeling that someone is pushing her, or pressing her neck, or burning her legs etc etc. So I got scared and went to somebody (say muslim cleric type) to check whats happening. He advised that my mother was performing black magic on my wife and wanted to kill her. Being scared I believed him & we separated from our parents so that my wife would be safe from my mothers black magic. At this time it was 8 years of my marriage when we started staying separately from my parents.

We bought our own house and I hardly spoke to my parents; rarely went to see them about once a year. (This I did as I was advised that staying away from my parents would keep the evil forces away from my wife & she would not get hurt). During this period when we were separated from my parents, initially it seemed my wife was being troubled a lot, like somebody trying to kill her by pressing her neck etc. Also, once suddenly during such an attacking period somebody started talking to me through my wife, telling me that he is sent by Allah to protect my wife. He started talking to me quite frequently & mostly spoke about religious matters etc & so I started believing him.

As time passed by, weird things did keep happening in our new home, like red powder appearing, somebody hurting her etc etc, but it started reducing as I slowly was getting under the influence of that person who was speaking to me through my wife. (I would like to say that while that person talked, the voice did not change. It remained same as my wife, only the tone used to change). I started believing all blindly. Once when I had asked him who he was, he said that he was from wife’s native place & was there to protect her & our family. Slowly he started giving advice such as telling me to let my wife wear skimpy dresses, go to discos with friends, stay overnight with friends etc in order to avoid the troubles that would be coming to her from my mother’s side. Like a fool I kept believing it & allowed her to do all that, although sometimes it used to cross my mind that maybe something is not right.

All this was happening for almost 6 years. During this period I gave my wife everything, as was feeling responsible for the troubles she was facing through my mother. Believe me, I did everything to keep her happy, it was like she had to just say anything, and I would do it readily. All this while our relationship was very good & loving. We weren’t hurting or fighting with each other. Holding hands, good sex life, everything was really nice. She was so vocal & demonstrative always about her love for me, I believed her literally. It seemed like a very happy marriage without any complaints. Minor niggles which we never blew up, it was like a dream. Please believe me when I say that there was nothing that I didn’t do for her. It was literally a dream life that she was living, which would be a normal woman’s envy in this today’s material world.

Also just to let you know that I am a regular prayer, not very strictly practising muslim, but I do pray regularly & am quite sincere about it. She also prayed, but was quite irregular in her prayers. Slowly slowly she became quite irregular in her prayers. All this while she was maintaining good relation with me. It seemed as if there were no voids to fill.

Also during this period, I wasn’t staying away from her for a long time. Maximum we would have been away from each other was about 2 months. Either my ship used to come to India where she would visit me, or else she would also be sailing with me for 1 or 2 months. So there was no such issue like long separation etc. As I said earlier we also had a healthy sexual relation. Nobody is perfect, but to be literal I would say, it was an almost 90% complete relation/marriage with no reasons to complain. Let me add here, she is very good looking and I am only average, but not obese etc. She was or I feel she was very happy in our marriage. There were no restrictions on meeting anybody, going out, spending money, buying, shopping etc. she literally had the works.

This all was going on for 6 years, and I was under the impression that I have such a good family. But Allah knows best, n it was his way of bringing certain things in front of me which raised some doubts. Thanks to Allah-Taala that I opened my eyes & investigated. Thus I found that she was having an affair with a non-muslim, was also involved in physical relation with him. I found all this with proofs & not just suspicion. This has really hurt me, I am very devastated.

Also as I tried to find out more about her, seems she has been lying to me all this time. Also, maybe she had relations with another so called friend whom she used to go meet, although in this case I do not have proof about it, hence I am not so sure. But all that she has done has really hurt me very badly. All this while she was lying to me. Wonder whether she was really possessed by some evil force or she was only acting all this while just to get her ways out. I still can’t believe all that has happened with me, in spite of me giving all the love that I could to her. She seems to have only been enjoying her life, as she has a secure life with me regards to children & money, plus she had fun on the outside. Am very desolate and still can’t believe that this could happen to me, after the kind of life that I was living with her.

After finding out about her, I confronted her about the affair which she was denying, but upon showing the proofs she admitted. However, seems she isn’t as repentant. From her behaviour it seems she isn’t exactly so sorry about cheating me. She said sorry, cried etc, but it doesn’t seem from her behaviour that she is really deeply anguished by what she has done. She so easily said that it happens very commonly nowadays, so one should forgive & forget. She is so casual about it, that’s what gives me the feeling that her cheating, getting physical doesn’t seem such a big deal.

Am really pained by this attitude of hers. I am a one woman man, and always tell my friends that one should never cheat your spouse. Hurting somebody’s heart is so bad, & now I am here suffering something which I always desisted & told my friends to stay away from.

Her attitude is really painful. It’s been 3 years now since everything (her affair etc) came out, and am still wondering what to do. Initially I had told her to completely change her outgoing lifestyle, change her dressing sense (stop western completely), stop talking to male friends (rather change her tone of being so easy going when she talks to male’s), but she clearly stated that she won’t do it, she cannot change herself. I had said if you can’t do all this, then I prefer to divorce.

She doesn’t pray even now, after all this has happened. That’s the reason I get the feeling that she isn’t seriously sorry about what she has done. She doesn’t understand the kind of hurt that she has caused, because I feel it’s her liberal thinking which might be letting her be like this. For her it seem’s like, “so what’s the big deal, it’s just a mistake”. At the age of (36yrs) & in 16 years of married life, I don’t think that was a mistake or a slip-up. It was just plain fun that she wanted to have.

It’s been 3 years & everytime I leave house for my job, I feel OK, lets see, maybe she’ll change this time. But it hasn’t been so, she has neither stopped wearing western, and also talking to some male friends whom I don’t like (because of their ill repute). Neither has she become regular in her prayers. In between these 3 years we have had lots of fights & she has also been quite nasty about my parents (father who was diagnosed with cancer). She just wants her husband only for herself, & I should not be shared with my parents or brothers n sisters. To think of it, when she had me only for herself, she went ahead and cheated.

She doesn’t like me getting close to my parents. We stay in the same city, but my parents stay on the outskirts, about one hour from my place. Me going to see them frequently also doesn’t go down well with her. When my father fell sick, I used to be making frequent trips for the doctors etc, and she used to fight with me (telling me why you are the only one spending money on your father and mother’s illnesses, you call your brother who stays in UK to also come & share the expenses etc. You ask your sister to take care of your parents who stay close to each other). I told her that I am not asking her to take care of my parents or to attend to them, so let me do whatever I can for them. Basically she wants her husband to be only with her & no one else. & as I said earlier, she had me literally only for herself, yet she went ahead cheating me. Thanks Allah, after her cheating episode came out, I opened my eyes and made up with my parents. I still fear though about the time that I stayed cut-off from them for which Allah would punish me.

Presently she has stopped meeting many of those girlfriends of hers with whom she used to go to discos etc. She doesn’t go to discos now, as far as I know. However, she is in touch with them, not completely cut-off. (She says that its because of me that she had to cut-off with them). Also I had asked her to stop talking to her male friends, especially there is one who is not a good character, stays in our building & she had been going to discos etc with him, also he used to buy dresses & gifts for her. She refuses to do that & has still maintained contact with him.

I had even asked her to join some Islamic classes, there are many women classes taking place in the area we live in. But she refuses saying that women do gossip there. I suggested you don’t need to take part in the gossip, but just absorb what you are there for. She says no, she won’t do that. I had given her some religious books, sent articles, videos etc on Islamic topics, but she says you don’t send me all this. I’ll see what I want and when I want to.

At home also most of the times she wears skimpy clothes (like a top & shorts, wherein her cleavage/bosom top is visible & the shorts is also quite short showing most of her thighs). Myself, our maid & my sons are present at home. She does not come in front of anybody else other than us like this though. But our elder son is now 14 years of age, that’s why I tell her to stop wearing such tiny dresses when he is at home. The explanation she gives is that, he (our son) should be comfortable seeing this dresses so that he knows that it is normal. This shows her attitude, that she wants our sons also to accept such lifestyle.

I want to leave her, but am worried about our sons. Alhamdulillaah , Allah-Taala has given us very good kids. I fear that they’ll be the losers if we divorce. My wife has no issues with that. Few days back during one of our fights she had called her parents & uncle, aunt who stay closeby & complained about my behaviour to them. When I also told them that this is what I want her to do, (dresses, male friends & prayers), she clearly told them that she will not change herself for anybody. She is ready for a divorce, but not ready to change herself. Last year during one of the fights, she spoke to my elder son about separation & it seems he is inclined to stay with her. That’s why maybe she has the guts to say that she is ready for divorce. About the kids I had said that we’ll not fight, we’ll leave it to them to decide whom they want to stay with.

It’s really confusing. I don’t want to stay with such a female who has cheated, isn’t so sorry about it in the real sense, & is still disrespecting me by doing whatever she likes (which also goes against our Shariah). I want her to change & follow the Islamic lifestyle, since her easy lifestyle has brought such shame & hurt to our lives.

I feel it’s a kick from Allah-Taala to wake up, & hence I sincerely want to correct our ways. But she is adamant & won’t budge saying she can’t change herself. If she is really repentant wouldn’t she do something for the sake of Allah. Even in her normal Indian dresswear she dresses such a way that would be like getting attention. In weddings etc she seems to be more better dressed then the close relatives of the bride/bridegroom. I explained to her so many times about being simple. Simple doesn’t mean not to dress good, but not be so lavish either. There is beauty in simplicity also. But she seems to be wanting to be the centre of attraction wherever she is.

As I say, her attitude has been really hurting. The cheating that she did was dreadful, but the attitude after that has really been so much more painful. It has only worsened things rather than put some healing touch. I keep telling her that she doesn’t know what she has done.

When I told her parents about her affair, they also just said sorry forgive her & that’s it. Nobody tried to question her or drill some sense in her, or even try to get her to pray etc. Her mother, aunt etc are Haji, they have done Haj & also Umrah. I asked them also that won’t Allah question you also about your daughter’s immoral behaviour & her prayers. They just said sorry & within a couple of days just started moving around with her as if nothing has happened. I thought they would at least pull her ears & push her towards our Islamic lifestyle. But nothing of that sort is happening. They are more worried only about their name getting spoilt in case we get divorced. During the last talks a few days back, my wife told her parents & uncle and aunt that no matter what, she will not change her lifestyle, even if it leads to divorce. She is now not worried, and just wants to do whatever she feels like.

During this period of 3 years I gave her some religious books, sent articles to her on Islamic ways of married life etc etc, but she is not interested. She says she will see what she wants to see & when she wants to see. I feel that her cheating has been a wakeup call to me, & I seriously want to correct my flaws when it comes to following our Shariah. Even at home I want to lead my children towards an Islamic life along with this world also. For that I need her support, wherein both of us can guide our children to the proper ways of life. If its only me who is going to tell my children to pray, then it becomes like daddy is bad, only he asks us to pray, mummy says nothing. This way won’t work. When we both follow things properly, then our lifestyle itself would be a learning lesson for our children. They would see and learn a lot, absorb it. But that’s not happening now, as I don’t see any support from my wife. She isn’t so interested. When asked why she doesn’t pray, she says “I am very disturbed because of the state our relationship is & hence can’t bring self to pray”. These are the kind of answers I get from her.

I am really exasperated with this situation. Her betrayal has really hurt me very very much, & the attitude after that in these last 3 years has only deepened my hurt. I don’t think I can bring myself to love her anymore, especially when she is hellbent on doing what she wants which is hurting me (her clothing style, her tone with male friends, her non-praying).

After reading through many Islamic articles I am now seriously worried of the fact that continuing like this with her (letting her follow her ways & no pray etc), I would become a “Dayooth”, which is very scary. Yes, my self-respect is of course hurt with her ways.

There are many small things which I wouldn’t be able to describe here, as it would take a long long time. I can’t exactly describe my hurt over here. Have lost my self-respect with the way she has behaved & is still behaving. What would be more hurting than to know that your partner gets physical with others & then still shows attitude with regards to her actions, so casual about life.

Even now am still deciding whether to divorce or not. On the one hand I don’t want to stay with her, on the other hand I don’t want to be away from my children. I feel very strongly about divorcing her. Sometimes I feel, OK I’ll give up my children , there is no other option, rather than stay with her knowing she is not giving me my due respect as a husband. I also know & fear that once the children are with her, she won’t be teaching them much about our Shariah since she herself is not interested. That’s the fear that I have. At least with me with them, I do teach them slowly & make them interested in our ways. But with her, they’ll do good in the wordly matters as she is smart, but they’ll lose in our Islamic life.

She is staying nicely with me, wants me to hold her hand, be love-dovey with her, but she won’t do what I have asked her to (regarding accepting & practicing the Islamic dress code & dealing with men etc). She wants me to love her & accept her as the way she is without she making an attempt to do things that are hurting me now, especially after the cheating episode of her. She says she loves me, loved me even then, and loves me even now. I can’t understand how if you love a person, can you cheat him/her. How can you let somebody else touch your body when you say you love your spouse. How is it possible ? it’s not possible if there is true love, if there is conscience. It can never happen if you are true to yourself, isn’t it. But she insists that she loved me and still loves me. It’s really hurting to hear that. I really can’t bring myself to be lovey-dovey with her after what she has done & is still not showing respect to my requirements (of her dress style, male friends, prayers etc). She says accept me as I am, or leave me.

At the moment I feel like telling her ok, I am tired with her now, & let her do whatever she wants, we’ll stay together, but I can’t maintain any relation with her. Believe me, it is so hurting even now. I really feel sad that I am so unsure of what to do inspite of having things in front of me. I may not have been able to put across what I exactly feel very clearly, just hope that you do understand what kind of hurt / pain I have been going through. Her cheating has really shattered me. I feel like a typical common person with no self-respect who have been cheated onto by their spouses. Ii is so so very difficult to come to terms with this situation, to accept that you have been cheated upon inspite of doing the works for your relationship. Please believe me, I hadn’t left any voids for her to be filled, which could push her to cheat on me. I have neither exaggerated anything or lied in whatever I have said, Allah knows best.

I also fear that if I let her continue her lifestyle , then I’ll be answerable & called “Dayooth”, which I don’t want to be. Please advise me the best possible you feel for this situation. I am ready to divorce her, but only become shaky because of the kids. I really don’t want to be with her. It hurts so much.

I have done Istikhaarah and am still not sure what to do. Though I haven’t seen anything positive from her side to say that the Istikhaarah’s that I have performed are pointing for me to stay with her. There haven’t been any positive indications or action from her side. Please from your learned point of view Kindly give me some advice as what should be the next step for me. May Allah guide you to give me the best possible advice. Ever since her cheating issue came up, these last 3 years have been like nothing for me. I am just going to work at sea, coming back home for vacation, then going back again, that’s all I am doing. No desire or looking forward to anything etc. Please help me.

With the wake up call that I have got, I strongly feel that I need to have a wife who would give me my due respect, one who would together with me help in building our life for the hereafter. Really don’t know what to exactly do. Pleasse help/guide me.

Just to add here that all that whatever was happening to her (black magic etc) like somebody hurting her etc, & that somebody who used to talk to me through her has gradually now stopped. All that is not happening anymore. She says that all this has stopped now because I keep meeting my parents often, my mother has got her son back & so she isn’t doing anything now. This is what she says. Initially she used to say that don’t go to meet them or talk to them, as the evil will come back with me to hurt her. & that’s the reason I had stopped meeting my parents (so foolish of me) during the initial part of our separation from my parents.

It has been a very long letter, Sorry for the trouble, many Thanks for the patience. I felt that explaining everything as far as possible would be helpful. I have just tried to put whatever I could as far as practically possible. Trust you would help me in finding a solution. Just to let you know my age today is 44 years & my wife is 39 years.

Thank you so much once again. May Allah show us all the right path always.

Looking forward & awaiting eagerly for your guidance. Please advise as earliest as possible. Need to end this turmoil going on for so long, especially maybe because of my indecisiveness.

- sam-tia

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20 Responses »

  1. Brother - She knows your weakness. That's why she's acting like in this awful manner. She knows that you will not leave her despite the cheating and everything etc. She believes that you're madly in love with her, because you use to let her do everything she wanted even if it was against Islam. After the cheating scandal she saw that you weren't going to do anything that's why she's acting like this.

    You need to man up my brother. This woman is not a good wife and doesn't even do her duties for god., You need to divorce her, and don't worry about not seeing your kids. You will eventually at the end because she wouldn't want to look after them 24/7. The kids would make her home bound and that would force her to change her ways.

    If you don't want to divorce her, then what you can do is just leave the house and live separately. This would scare her and also it lets you think about whether divorce was the right move because once you get divorced with her , you can't marry her again unless she meets another partner and divorces him. And you could teach the kids about the deen every time they visit you. Just keep them happy and updated on the deen. Just give them the tools to learn the deen so they themselves can learn it.

    You need to leave this woman and focus on your family as your father is very sick. Do not ever listen to that wife of yours if she gets angry for you for visiting your family. your parents brought you in to this world not this woman of yours

  2. Salam...sad story...but it is common today.My friend i can give you some advice but a sunni scholor who knows better is always first to approach .Iman or faith is very important without this a person will never succeed in life and will definitely lose both worlds..5 times salah is compulsory on every adult.this is a command an order .This is not a choice!Salah will be the first thing on the day of Judgement to reckon with.Situation in this relationship should be understood simply by this....EVERYTHING in this world is a CURSE except for 3 people 1 a student of Islam 2.A scholor 3 Old man who does zikr that tears flow from his eyes. You need to understand your purpose in life. Otherwise you are wasting time!

    • Asalamu alaikum Brother.

      I think it’s important to consider that your wife may be possessed as you said something used to talk out of her and it would talk about religious matters so much so that you would believe It. If your wife is non-religious how can she know about religion in so much detail? Please speak to a Ruqyah expert first to diagnose her condition. She may be possessed. Allah swt be with you In Sha Allah.

      • I do not believe in possession. I do not think that any such thing exists, nor does it exist in Islam.

        Wael Editor

  3. Wa alaykum salam.

    May Allah help you and give you all that is good and patience.

    She is manipulating you do to the things she wants you to do in order for herself to be happy. She doesn't care about you, clearly she doesn't care that she had cheated on you. And the reason why she easily says "i will do as i please, if you don't like what i do then leave" is because she built in this "I love you and always will" into the picture. This weakens you, and she knows it does. In her mind she knows that no matter what happens, you will not divorce her. Why? because she told you that she loves you. She really doesn't brother. Brother, how can you stay with her when she had forced you to cut ties with the parents you loved and lived with all your life? Your father has cancer (May Allah give him good health, ameen), yet she says dirty things about him? How can you stay with her when she has cheated on you multiple times and yet still refuses to stop talking to her male friends? If she can cheat on you and not care, and curse at your parents, and wear revealing clothes outside, go to discos meeting evil people, then she certainly can tell lies aswell.

    She is an evil person. And she does not deserve you. You deserve a better person that will make you feel comfortable and safe with, and that will guide your future children to the straight path. You will no longer have worries that she will cheat on you, treat you and you parents with disrespect. You will be safe and happier. Trust in Allah with the kids you had with the evil woman, maybe they will be guided in the future by Allah if they begin to feel sincere, maybe they will realise how beautiful of a parent you were to them and remember how you used to worship Allah subhanahuwata'aalah. Allah knows best, what will happen to them.

    But what about your own parents? They are old and alone, your father has cancer and your mother is alone and crying every single day, this is sad. They loved you in the core of their heart, raised you, fed you, woke up multiple times in the night to feed you, your father did everything he could to provide for you, hoping for the best future for you, but then, you grow up only to leave him while he has cancer for a woman that curses him with evil and your father is heart broken for all the love and will he put into raising you only for you to leave him like this, and your mother who went through so much pain to have you, yet still held you tight when you were growing up and (by Allah your mother would still want to hold you tight like the way she did when you were a baby, because you are her baby and will always be). This evil woman cheats on you and disrespects you, lies to you, fakes the love for you to manipulate you. The way you don't want to leave the kids you had with this evil woman, your dad does not want you to ever leave him either. You left him, along with cancer. You left your mother. You left everything good for evil. You don't deserve it, and your parents don't deserve it.

    Divorce is the option brother. May Allah help you to make this decision and may Allah give you a righteous wife who will respect you, respect your children and your beloved parents, and love you. May Allah help you and give you all that is good, ameen.

  4. Assalam alaykum.. divorce her and stay blessed.. i dont know what kind of person you are, if very simple. Jus kick her and divorce. I dont know why you are crying like kid ? she is cheating u and u are like... ****

    • No, it is not that simple. Hence why he is seeking advice.

      The brother is emotionally invested in this 19 year relationship. And he has 2 children with his wife. So as you can see, he has invested quite a lot in this relationship, so there are other considerations to be made.

      Please do not deter people from seeking help when it is difficult in getting the courage to ask for help in the first place. Please be a little more considerate.

      For us, as outsiders, it is always easy to judge and be inconsiderate of others. We should aim to be empathic and understanding, inshaAllah.

      Sincere apologies if I have offended at all, not my intention at all.

      Your Sis in Islam

      • DIVORCE is the best solution under such conditions.
        No need to hang on here .
        18 years of investment can turn in to hate in just 18 hours if she cheats you and continue this behaviour .
        Don't be Dayooh and coward .

  5. People do many things that the average person cannot explain. I doubt that your wife is under some kind of "black magic" but that is a remote possibility. She may have taken advantage of the issues with your mother, which are horrible if that is what happened. And then constantly used the idea of black magic to get what she wanted out of her marriage with you. You have been patient with her, but at this time, I would strongly urge you to divorce your wife. She has been unfaithful, and continued to refuse to follow other Islamic traditions. It is not your job to do ibadah for your wife, to change her mind about her conduct and behavior or to tolerate her bad behavior. On a practical note, you should make every effort to document her immoral behavior as a reason to divorce and hopefully of full custody of your children.

  6. Brother
    All those black magic were drama to force you to move out of house to have sex with her boyfriend in your absence as otherwise your parents would have caught her .
    She is evil woman .
    DIVORCE her .Don't worry about kids .
    They will come back to you ultimately as she doesn't seems to be good mother too .
    Keep proofs of her cheating stored somewhere as that might be required during divorce procedure.

    • I agree with Virtual's advice.
      And as the others have said above, Do not cut ties with your parents, especially for this lady.

      In the Holy Qur'an, our Lord says (to the meaning of);

      Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: “My Lord! Bestow on them your Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.” (Surah al-Isra, v: 23-24)


      Sayyiduna Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with her) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “Let him be humbled into dust; let him be humbled into dust; Let him be humbled into dust. It was said: O Messenger of Allah! Who is he? He said: He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter Paradise.” (Sahih Muslim, no: 2551)

      (You can read Imam Nawawi's commentary on Sahih Muslim- a phenomenal muhaddith [undisputed])


      Also as Virtual has mentioned, document every thing that has happened- date it, detail it and save the evidence if need be. Not out of malice but for divorce proceedings, should you wish to start.

      All the best. X

  7. I have seen cases but this is horrible. Divorce her, nasty women having sexual relationship with other mens as well as with a non Muslim disgusting.Now a days beautiful girls are doing such great things.You are the only men who is waiting till now.

  8. Divorce her .
    She is sick and evil .She will continue having sex with other men in your absence .
    You might end up getting Sexually transmitted diseases one day as a reward for your tolerance and patience.
    You might become mental patient in few months due to this disturbance as you can't trust her .
    Islam also doesn't encourage to keep such woman in Nikah .

    Yes, don't be Cuckold husband and Divorce her . .

  9. My advice from across the border is to divorce this lady as soon as possible. And keep tabs on her. I'm sure she is currently having flings with that flatmate. Why in the blue hell isn't she refraining from talking to that guy?

    I almost read your story twice. And I fully empathize and understand your feelings. Just divorce her!

    God would reward you abundantly. Time for patience is over. Act swiftly! Divorce her. This was a test for you. May God give you a good and a pious wife!

  10. Walaikum Assalam Bro,

    1st of all, you have to treat your spouse with kindness. Teach her about Islam with patience and slowly work on it. If that is what you have done already as your letter suggest then please follow below advice.

    Now when you come home on your vacation for 3-4 months, abandon the bed. This is as per Islamic teachings that if wife doesnt listen then abandon bed and see if she changes her ways. If this attempt goes in vain, then you can use a little force, just to show your anger. If you know Urdu/Hindi, then watch this video please

    • I do not believe that Islam allows or advocates using force against wives under any circumstances. Secondly, this particular marriage is way beyond saving. This woman has been lying and cheating for years. She is thoroughly corrupt.

      Wael Editor

      • I didnt mean to say the word ''Force'', my english is not that good. Anyways please have a look at below text taken from

        “As to those women on whose part you see ill‑conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great”

        [al-Nisa’ 4:34]

        If a woman rebels against her husband and disobeys his commands, then he should follow this method of admonishing her, forsaking her in bed and hitting her. Hitting is subject to the condition that it should not be harsh or cause injury. Al-Hasan al-Basri said: this means that it should not cause pain.

        ‘Ata’ said: I said to Ibn ‘Abbaas, what is the kind of hitting that is not harsh? He said, Hitting with a siwaak and the like. [A siwaak is a small stick or twig used for cleaning the teeth - Translator]

        The purpose behind this is not to hurt or humiliate the woman, rather it is intended to make her realize that she has transgressed against her husband’s rights, and that her husband has the right to set her straight and discipline her.

        And Allaah knows best.

        • Thanks everybody for your replies. Am still unable to make up my mind surely to separate. I worry sometimes that maybe am not taking the right decision by divorcing. Maybe Allah swt might be displeased with me if I divorce her. With her ways, the relationship has been totally killed and I don't think I can bring myself to continue, especially with so much of my self-respect that she has crushed. I have tried the Islamic way of abandoning the bed, but on doing this she says, I am torturing her and harassing her. She doesn't seem to understand that my behavior has been so because of her actions. She feels I am just torturing her and harassing her. The biggest hurdle is the kids who I am so much attached to. My job is such that I have to leave my country for 4 months. At such times then I need to get married again so that if kids stay with me, then they can be looked after. But I know of horror stories where the stepmothers are not so good to the kids. Also, the kids may or may not be able to adjust with a new person. To avoid all this, the best option is to let the kids stay with her. But this option is like going to kill me. Still don't understand how to go ahead further.

  11. Salam,

    I think the issue with you wife is the months long separation on a ship. It may work for other women but it hasn't worked for her. And at this point she's interested in exploring other men. Normally this would require a divorce but the fact that you're on this ship you can't really support a marriage. The best thing for you would be to quit this job and stay more at home. I don't know if that's even possible for you. If not then running a marriage would be pretty difficult. As for Islam, I don't think you're wife is into it much. She's not really considering the afterlife. Zina is a big sin and is not taken lightly but as you describe her it doesn't seem like she sees it as big deal.

  12. You have become dayooth , First learn to be Men .. Start by divorcing her

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