My strict boyfriend doesn’t know about my past
Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reports that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him) said, All my Community will be excused except those who are blatant. And it is from blatancy for one to perform an act at night and to wake up and tell something that they did such-and-such, while Allah had concealed it for them. They slept under the cover of Allah, and they rended Allah's covering from themselves in the morning. [Bukhari and Muslim
I have a boyfriend who I love very much. My family and his get along great, they even said we can get engaged when the time comes. Everything is so great between us. He is a very pious Muslim, which is very good for me. He is very strict, but he isn't strict with me, he just has good values.
I always wanted a Husband that goes by the Quran. He is Palestinian, he is very much against American influence, he thinks thats bad for Muslims, and speaks on that alot . I agree with him on that , I agree with him on everything . But I have huge problems. I live in America. When I was not a practising Muslim, when I was younger, I have done sexual acts with American guys. I would watch all kinds of porn with my American friends, including lesbian, but I know I am not a lesbian , I am attracted to men only. I would also masturbate. I didn't dress modestly at all .
Everytime I hear my boyfriend speak about how wild American girls are and how Americans and non believers are out of control, I get very uncomfortable and my heart burns , to the point where i get headaches ,even though I agree with him I feel so hypocritical because I was once like the people he doesn't like. I feel very dirty.
Even when he talks about how he doesn't agree with American politics , and I agree with him, I feel soo guilty and hypocritical. Please understand that He is from Palestine and his country has gone through a lot, thats why he doesn't like Americans and doesn't like the politics. I feel soo guilty because I know he would HATE the person I once was.
That was the old me , I have changed VERY MUCH , I am now a practising Muslim, I ask Allah for forgiveness everyday. I learn more and more about Islam and the world everyday .The person I once was is long gone. I get soo angry when I think about the stupid things I have done in the past. I even feel like I would have a panic attack every time I think about the bad things I have done before. I can't explain how horrible I feel. What should I do? This guy is a very good Muslim, I love Him very much. He has always been a good muslim, i can't say that for myself I was wild and I have done ALOT of haram. I don't know what to do.
Should I tell him? I struggle with this everyday, I feel as though I should break up with him because he is too good for me , and I don't deserve him. He is the smartest guy there is, and I love him soo much. How can I stop from wanting to kill myself everytime he mentions everything thats wrong with this world and that reminds me of my past ?? .Everytime he says something about America and Americans I want to kill myself because i am reminded of the Haram I have done in America with Americans. The memories are killing me slowly. I don't mean to sound dramatic but I am going through soo much. I recently learned that Zina is the 3rd worst thing a Muslim can do and now I'm really depressed and panicking. I feel soo dirty.
I would do anything to go back and change what I have done before, but I can't. The only thing that's stopping me from physically hurting myself is the love I have for Allah. I wish I knew what I know now back then. I really need all the help I can get. This guy is the love of my Life . Should I tell Him?? I don't think I can tell him, he would be soo ashamed, and I'm already ashamed of myself . Is it Haram if I don't tell him? Should I breakup with him ? Can I Marry Him? I am very depressed. I really need some good advice. It would mean alot if I could get answers .Thank You .
- Ineedhelp
51 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Assalaamu alaikum sister. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Do not even think about killing yourself - your life is a gift and ending it would only result in eternal misery. You have so much to live for, so do not waste your life in such a way.
I will start with being blunt dear sister. Regardless of whether you love each other or not, pre-marital relationships are not permitted islamically for good reasons. Unfortunately people often forget this. Alhumdulilah you are in the situation where your parents will allow you both to get engaged. So keep any further contact with this guy within islamic boundaries until you can have a halal relationship.(marriage.) So do not meet him alone or speak to him casually unecessarily as these are sins.
“The zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the ears is listening, the zina of the tongue is speaking, the zina of the hand is touching, and the zina of the foot is walking. The heart wishes and longs and the private part confirms that or denies it.”
Why not speak to him and your families and suggest nikah if you are not able to live together yet. That way at least you could talk to one another alone and spend time together. This should be done with familys knowledge.. Stick to Islamic boundaries what ever situation you are in and you will be rewarded and InshaAllah Allah will bless your marriage with Barakah.
My dear sister I am sorry to hear about your excessive guilt which is consuming you. It is true that zina is a major sin but more importantly Allah swt is The Most Merciful and if you sincerely ask His forgiveness He will forgive you.
"Allah the Almighty said: O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great at it."
My dear sister please let go of your past. It is who you were not who you are. It is shaytaan that is whispering you and preventing you from moving on. Yes we must regret our sins and repent for them, but we must not become consumed with guilt all the time that it prevents us from moving forward. Make sincere tawbah and resolve not to go near such sins again. If the sins come to your mind, do not dwell on them just say astaghfirullah and change your thoughts. DO NOT doubt the mercy of Allah swt and do not despair. Remember that Allah swt loves you more than any one else and He is the Most Merciful.
I strongly advise you not to tell this guy about your past. It is in the past, it doesnt matter - what matters is who you are now. Conceal these sins, they are between you and Allah swt only. You have not wronged this guy in any way by your past actions so do not feel deceitful by keeping it from him. Also telling him may ruin your future marriage plans.
Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reports that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him) said, All my Community will be excused except those who are blatant. And it is from blatancy for one to perform an act at night and to wake up and tell something that they did such-and-such, while Allah had concealed it for them. They slept under the cover of Allah, and they rended Allah's covering from themselves in the morning. [Bukhari and Muslim]
Please read the following link for more information on why you should conceal sins and how to deal with 'difficult questions.'
http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=822&CATE=3
The only situation I would maybe advise to tell is if theres a very high chance of him finding out from someone else, but generally I would say don't do it.
So:
- Keep your relationship within Islamic boundaries.
- Do not reveal your past.
- Make tawbah for your sins and let them go.
I will InshaAllah keep you in my duas. If you need any further advice or support, please feel free to write on here.
Peace,
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
I know Allah forgives all sins and at the end thats all that matters . But most people do not forgive sins , soo this is eating me up inside. I am not doing anything i'm not supposed to be doing with my boyfriend. Sometimes his family invites me over, and sometimes he is invited to my house by my parents, we do nothing,thats why i love him, he respects me.Besides, i would never do something thats not allowed now, i have changed soo much . The last time i have done those sins was 7 years ago. I really do not want to tell him, i don't want to lose him , but What if one day he asks me something ?? is it Haram not to tell him about my past ?? . Your comment and advice helped me Sister, but the other comment below you is is telling me i should tell him and leave him , i'm not sure what i should do,i'm even more confused now .
Whatever I said below is because I personally have seen this happening . I don't wanna discourage you but it's better for you to hide your sins forever and be with this man . Try your level best to hide . It seems like you have definitely changed .
I am just trying to warn you . If some how , your boyfriend came to know about your past , then it may be hard for him to digest your past . I hope it doesn't happen.
IF YOU THINK YOUR SECRET WON'T COME OUT THEN MARRY THIS MAN .
Salam
Why are you encouraging her to deceive the man? He has been good and he is pure and as such deserves a wife who lived the same life. What she did in the past is in the past however, the brother needs to know who is marrying. Also lies in Islam are haram. Finally, the truth will eventually come out whether it is by her own admission or at a later date when they get married and he finds out she is not 'pure'. The latter is very bad and she needs to come clean NOW.
Mustafa
Dear sister,
I am sorry that you are upset and even more confused. I also apologise for assuming otherwise - the word boyfriend confused me. it is important that you are never alone together and ideally you should have a mahram present with you too.
Besides, i would never do something thats not allowed now, i have changed soo much
I am not undermining you but you are human, desire is normal and even some of the most pious Muslims have committed zina. Its important to accept your weaknesses - this is why the rules are so strict on gender interaction. Allah knows best.
Please realise though that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and we are all different so not every guy would feel the same. I think concealing sins is so important as Islamically we are required to conceal sins. Our duty to Allah swt must take precedence over duty to any person.
You need to ask yourself though: do you feel guilty because you disobeyed Allah or is it because you feel you are deceiving this guy? Honestly. If it is the first Alhumdulilah. If it is the last one then realise your sin and make tawbah. If your love of this guy or anyone/anything is greater than your love of Allah you have a problem. (It is unfortunately common, this is a reminder to myself as well as you so I dont intend to lecture) But this problem is fixable InshaAllah. All in all make tawbah and LET GO of your past. It is shaitan that is reminding you of it to stop you from moving forward so seek refuge in Allah from him.
Pray your 5x obligatory salat if you dont already. Pray Tahajud if you can and read some Qur'an daily. Make dua after salat and work to get closer to Allah swt.
My dear sister, if you have repented sincerely for your sins then Allah has cleaned your slate and InshaAllah He will cover your sin as long as you continue to cover it. Do not tell him. Even if you do leave him, still do not tell him.
I am not going to advise you to stay or leave. But I don't understand the logic in telling her to leave him soley for her past sins? Especially if family are involved and there are no problems between them. Also leaving him would be difficult without revealing her sins. The scholars advise answering indirectly if you are asked such a question. Please read the article on the link I previously posted sister - it explains it there.
Remember that no ones opinion except Allahs opinion matters. Work to please Him and He will bless your life and InshaAllah give you the best of spouse. If you do not get him in this life for whatever reason, it is not because you are not worthy - it is because Allah has a better plan for you - and as long as you keep your deen close to you - you will get him in the hereafter InshaAllah. Work to seperate yourself from the dunya - and strive to love the Aakhirah.
I advise you to trust in Allah swt and if you are confused about whether to stay do Istakhaarah salat and dua. He knows whether this guy is good for you or bad for you. So ask Him to make this guy lawful for you if he is good for you or remove him from your life if he is bad for you. Ask Him to make you happy with what is best for you.
I have done this before for many matters and it works amazingly Alhumdulilah - just trust that He knows best! So do not be confused dear sister - seek advice from the best of Advisers. If this guy is good for you He will make marriage easy for you InshaAllah, so do not despair.
Please click on the istakhaarah questions and answers link on the top of this page and read all links to make sure you do it properly.
Just to clarify - ISTAKHAARAH IS NOT ABOUT DREAM INTERPRETATION. If you have any questions you are welcome to write on here and will do our best to help dear sister.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
I AGREE ON MS.SARA ANSWER ON PRE-MARITAL RELATION BUT I DON'T AGREE ON THE MATTER OF ZINA
"Women impure are for men impure, and men impure are for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity."[Qur'an 24:26]
"Say, 'Verily, my Lord has prohibited the shameful deeds, be it open or secret, sins and trespasses against the truth and reason."'[Qur'an 7:33]
The woman and the man guilty of fornication - flog each of them with a hundred stripes: Let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day: and let a party of the Believers witness their punishment. „
—Qur'an, [Qur'an 24:2]
Aren't these verses from quran pretty explicit . Do you stil want to argue on them ?? . I don't understand how easily people say that you cannot tell your perspective partner about your past . Let me tell you something , a man who have kept himself virgin and later found out that his wife before marriage had intentionally committed sins , he will never forget it . Even though he may forgive you but your past will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS HAUNT HIM FOR REST OF HIS LIFE . I think it's cheating that you don't tell your future partner about your past. Do you want to establish a sacred institution of marriage based on lies and fatal secrets . If you tell your future partner about your past and if he accepts you then good for you but if he doesn't then there is absolutely no blame on him .
If this guy is a virgin then ,
My advice to you will be that leave this man . You'll do an enormous favour on him . Marry some one else because even if he marries you , he'll definitly will not be happy if he finds your reality . I have no sympathy for you . You are one who is wrong .
.Brother, I already commented on another post that you replied to. You need to STOP what you are doing. This sister has regretted and repented from her previous sin (7 years a go), why are you making her hopeless? Do you not see that she has realised the enormity of her sin, therefore she has made amends and is within Islamic guidelines with her potential spouse?
Sister, I will make it very simple for you. Everyone will give you advice based on their experiences, views and perceptions but ultimately you have to follow what Allah swt has commanded and He commands that one must conceal their sin after they have repented and never turned back to that path again. The answer is as simple as that. If Allah swt wishes He will conceal your sin in both this world and the hereafter and if He wishes He may expose you. InshAllah, nothing as such will happen as you have repented from your sin.
So in a nutshell, do not expose your sin to anyone including your potential spouse. You are not deceiving him. You were immature and lacked Islamic knowledge when you committed those sins. You have come to the realize now that what you did was haram and you have made amends. Keep asking for repentance and stay away from any source that may throw you off track. I highly recommend you follow Sister Sara’s advice. She is giving you advice from an Islamic perspective, not just her own.
For more information on concealing one’s sin, I suggest you read this link that brother Wael has posted for us: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/boasting-about-sins/
Do not get confused sister, we all are human and may not be able to give you the best advice but if Allah swt has made something clear than if we follow His command, we know that surely we aren’t doing anything wrong or unjust.
Lastly, if you truly feel from within that if your potential spouse is to find out your past and will make your life miserable and a living hell, then and only then do I suggest that you leave him and find someone who is more understanding in this aspect. You want to steer away from potential prospects that emphasize enormously on a woman’s chastity. If you feel that there is a very minute chance that your past sin will resurface, then pray salat-ul-istikhara and walk ahead with this proposal. Allah swt will do what is best for you.
Stay Strong Sister
-Helping Sister
Again you're actually not looking at what the man said, this isn't a forum and everyone is entitled to provide the advice they think is appropriate provided it's Islamic and not enoucraging something haraam. Whilst the sister shouldn't reveal her sins, she should go out of her way to ensure she ends up with someone of a similar history.
I completely agree with the Muslim Brother above who said it haunts a man if he ends up with a woman who portrays herself as pure and he later finds out she has been touched by someone else. How would any man or woman feel? It would almost feel like they have been punished.
Thank you John for understanding ... At least there is some body who understand what I am trying to say
I agree with you John and that is why I suggested at the end that if she truly feels that she will not be content with this man (and vice versa), then she should leave him.
An another note, I don't mean to be harsh but I feel so hopeless when I read such dogmatic views of our Muslim men. It would be a blessing for us women who have sinned and realized our mistakes that we are forgiven by you humans including Allah swt. We all sin, some larger than others but if we realize our sins and never walk that path again, does that hold no value in your eyes? Honestly, I feel so upset and hopeless for myself at times although I have realized my own sins and intend to never walk that path again.
I don't know what I will do when it comes time for my marriage. I really don't want to struggle like this young Muslimah here but I see no choice...
Guys AllahuAlam but I don't think you have the right outlook on this issue. Some of the advice from the sisters side is much better (and I'm a guy!).
First your comments about marrying somebody that is 'untouched', well it is good for an unmarried man to marry an unmarried woman. It is fine to have this preference, but it is not the end of the world to marry a non-virgin. Aren't widows and divorcees allowed to marry again? Didn't the Prophet(saw) marry Khadija(ra) when he was young and in his first marriage?
Yes a pure man should not marry an adulteress. However, sincere repentance wipes out the sin. If this sister is pure for 7 years, she is not an 'adulteress' and this is an incorrect categorization. Sincere repentances wipes out the sin, it is as if the sin was not committed. There are many reverts to Islam that did many dirty things before becoming Muslim, are you saying that they can only marry other people with a dirty past? That does not make any sense.
Islamically a virgin man is encouraged to marry a virgin woman, but also Islamically a woman that is never married and believed to be a virgin, is in fact assumed to be a virgin. Somebody mentioned the brother will be disappointed when he finds out the sister is not pure. How will he find out? Because she didn't bleed? Maybe the brother should get some Islamic knowledge before getting married! We do not assume our brothers and sisters to be guilty of sin, we assume their innocence and think well of them. It is absolutely wrong to accuse somebody of zina based on the blood. The lack of blood can be attributed to non-sexual reasons as well - accidents, aging, and so forth. There are women that have never had sex but will not bleed the first time they do. It is our OBLIGATION to assume well of other Muslims and not to assume wrong of them, and this is not just speciifc to marriage.
Thank you bro, I agree with you and I appreciate your perspective.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hi there,
As I have said on another posting (depending on what sort of past you have had in relation to sex) before you marry this person may I suggest that you make an appointment at your doctor to ensure that your sexual health has not been affected? The last thing you would want to do is marry this young man (with or without divulging your past, this is of course your own choice) then pass an unknown infection to him the first time you have intercourse. This is simply out of respect to both you and him.
All my love and hope for your happy healthy marriage.
Salaam,
It is a very very tricky situation, I know hardly anyone will agree with me, but I think you should leave this man alone and find someone who has a similar background as you. But if you find out he has a similar past to you, then stay with him.
Do you know how much it hurts someone when they've kept themselves away from such things in the hope they will end up with someone with the same character only to end up with someone who's hidden their past?
No one will agree with me, but I believe a man and his wife should have similar backgrounds, in my opinion if that's not the case it's very unfair on one person.
Salam john,
I totally agree with you. If a man/woman kept themselves pure only to find they married a unpure person, they will take this as some sort of punishement, I know I would. The pure go hand in hand and the unpure go hand in hand.
Mustafa
I think it's rude that people would be soo hard on a Sister that is clearly depressed and suicidal.I agree with Sister Sara and Helping Sister.Stop reading these other "advices" and comments they will all go to your head.
Allah is merciful and forgives sins because Allah loves us. If someone doesn't forgive you for what you have done 7 years ago, when you were on the wrong path, then they do not love you .Just because you are a good Muslim now, and want to marry a good Muslim man doesn't mean you should throw it all away and marry a Man who is not a good Muslim for something you have done almost a decade ago. Don't think you do not deserve him, and don't let these heartless people tell you any different.
It's soo hard for me to find a good Muslim Man who will accept my past, even if he has the same past as myself. Soo ,basically i can never a Muslim man , thanks for the advice guys .
*basically i can never Marry a Muslim Man*
As salamu alaykum, Sister Ineedhelp,
The main point here is not the fact of finding someone that forgets your past, what I see through all your words is that you, yourself are not able to forgive yourself, we are our toughest judges, and you are being extremely tough on you and extremly bounty when you talk about your boyfriend. Scares me when someone feels inferior related to the others, specially when that one is going to be your spouse, that will be the perfect soil to bring out all the issues you want to avoid.
To begin to dissolve all the knots I find in this situation, I will begin staying away from him for a while and to think seriously about where I am. I would like to tell you something to think about, if he has so many prejudices towards americans, specially american women and America, why have he chosen an american woman to be his spouse? This doesn´t sound good to me, in fact, it sounds bad, specially when you see on him the "perfect man", you aren´t doing anything wrong but you are scared to death, even thinking about killing yourself since you are with this man, this doesn´t sound good to me either, the fact of you thinking about him, makes you feel dirty, unsecure, inferior, worthless,.....and you still think he is the "perfect man", because he says. Sister, I focus on facts, he may say the most wonderful words and may sound heavenly when you listen to him, but what I see is that a woman is darkening a bit more everyday, due to your own guilt and your concept that he is "perfect" and you are not.
If you want to get out of this turmoil, you have to begin to put yourself on movement instead of punishing yourself, I can help you to do it if you want, insha´Allah.
First of all, true repentance, tawbah from all your Heart, talk to our Lord(swt), something that comes from the depths of your Heart, this is a beautiful dua from our Prophet, to begin with, insha´Allah. You have a link on Tawbah at the begining of the page too.
اللهم باعد بيني وبين خطاياي كما باعدت بين المشرق والمغرب اللهم نقني من خطاياي كما ينقى الثوب الأبيض من الدنس اللهم اغسلني من خطاياي بالثلج والماء والب
Allahumma baa’id bayni wa bayna khataayaaya kama baa’adta bayna al-mashriqi wa’l-maghrib. Allahumma naqqini min khataayaaya kama yunaqqa al-thawb al-abyad min al-danas. Allaahumma ighsilni min khataayaaya bi’l-thalji wa’l-maa’i wa’l-barad.
“O Allah, put a great distance between me and my sins, as great as the distance You have made between the East and the West. O Allah, cleanse me of sin as a white garment is cleansed from filth. O Allah, wash away my sins with snow and water and hail.” (Bukhari)
In the first part, we are asking Allah (swt) to keep us far from the sins we have not committed yet. In the second part, we are asking Allah (swt) to cleanse us of those sins we did commit. And the third is greater, because we are asking Allah (swt) to purify us. The choice of the words “snow and water and hail” signifies being washed of our sins. The snow and the hail have a cooling effect, like the forgiveness from Allah of our sins.
Second, after repentance and forgiveness, acceptance, love and respect, my beloved Sister you have to learn to give yourself the opportunity of a new life, to flourish and don´t put any other human being on a pedestal, nobody is perfect, only Allah(swt) is Perfect and beyond Perfection, once you learn to give yourself the opportunity to shine by yourself, accepting who you are, loving and respecting yourself unconditionally, you maybe able to see the others as they are, perfections and imperfections, I mean to have a real image of yourself and the others, insha´Allah.
To get this, you will need to increase your imaan, this will be strengthening your bond to Allah(swt), salat on time, insha´Allah, du´a, insha´Allah, Names and Attributes of Allah(swt), to read the Holy Quran, to learn about our beloved Prophet(saw) insha´Allah.
This will take you a while, but I am sure that after all of this you will look at yourself and the rest of the world from other point of view, insha´Allah.
You will marry a wonderful muslim man once you have done your own homework, insha´Allah.
This man has helped you to take conscious of seeing in which point you are, Alhamdulillah, this way you can get out of all this struggles and strive for excellence, insha´Allah.
If you need me in any way, I will be here for you, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
What women don't understand is that, it's not the sin that bothers most men, everyone sins, some big sins some small sins. But the thing that cannot go from a man's mind is the fact his wife was touched by another prior to marriage, that is something that haunts a lot of men.
I would go so far as to say, I would rather live a life of headaches with a woman who always moans and complains but never touched a guy before me, than to marry a good honest muslim woman who had repented. That repentance will ensure it is not held against her on the day of judgement, but it will not take away the fact that she has been touched by another man. Just the thought of it makes me shudder.
So the sister asking for advice, please do your level best to try and marry someone who is similar to you in character and most importantly who will understand and not hold your past against you.
Truth be told, a woman can never understand how much importance her virginity holds in the eyes of a man, it's one of those remarkable facts of life, men are extremely sensitive about this issue.
Thank you John, I now realize me asking for repentence does NOT wipe my sin. I am an "impure" Muslimah now and forever will be. I am so heart broken by your statement: I would go so far as to say, I would rather live a life of headaches with a woman who always moans and complains but never touched a guy before me, than to marry a good honest muslim woman who had repented. That repentance will ensure it is not held against her on the day of judgement, but it will not take away the fact that she has been touched by another man. Just the thought of it makes me shudder.
I guess I should look for a plan B which is staying un-married my entire life. And all along I thought one day things would get better, that one day I will be able to forgive myself and move on. I guess not, my punishment is to never marry a decent Muslim Man. Thank you for the reality check, seriously. I will refrain from replying any further after this as I can't even bear to read any more of your responses.
PLEASE DON'T DO THIS SISTER , PLEASE
I know that it was very harsh to you muslim ladies . But please don't make this mind that you won't be able to marry a decent muslim guy .
I know that many men hold a woman's virginity to a very high state . That is what john is implying . He is just stressing the importance . Please just forget your past . I know that in previous post , I have been harsh but men cannot deal with it . It is fixed into their mind . I am a male so is John . We are just telling you about male mentality .
Just don't tell about your past and forget everything . I BEG you to forgive me because i think I have been way to harsh . I will now always remember you in my prayers and every muslim lady who have repented and wants to have a good future . Please don't change your mind and be positive .
I am again EXTREMELY sorry .
I promise that I will never ever answer to any question on this site . I know that my strict behavior will cause me write in a way which will be heart breaking for many people . You have my email id ... You can block it if you want to ...
May Allah bless All Muslim
Allah hafiz
Asalamaoalikum brother,
I am also sorry for coming at as emotionally unstable and hurting you. At the moment I have a lot on my plate to deal with and a bundle of emotions I am coping with. My reaction to your response was not a personal target towards you so please do not take it as such. Your perception is yours and by all means you are entitled to ask for a Muslimah who has no past. What hurt me however is how you generalised “all men” to think along the same lines as you and John do.
There are some Muslimahs out there who fell weak and sinned; many of them got fooled by their perpetrators and have been used and abused also. It is easy to say “I cannot comprehend my wife being touched by another man” but the pain that many women endure as a consequence is a huge punishment in it of itself. It takes some of us women years to heal from the physical and emotional damage these men cause us. I am by no means taking the responsibility off our shoulders though, we have sinned and many of us have suffered the consequences.
The only request I have from you and other brothers who think along the same lines as you do, is that if you find that a woman’s chastity is something that is of huge importance to you and you will not be able to compromise with this issue, then please do make it clear so that potentials can steer away and not hurt themselves or you guys, inshAllah.
-Helping Sister
Assalaamu alaikum all.
Firstly please try not to take any comments to heart and express yourselves nicely. Brother John I do partially understand what you are saying and I understand it must be difficult to digest keeping yourself away from zina and then marrying someone who has sinned and repented. There is nothing wrong with you wanting such a person if you yourself have kept away from sins. I am a sister, yet I still too would be haunted about my husbands past if I found out he had made mistakes. If this is something important to you then make sure that you are completely clear before marriage that you want a virgin wife.
It is unfair to divorce a wife soley on the fact that she is not a virgin, IF she has repented and that is her past. Divorce may be halal but do not forget that it is the most hated thing which is halal.
At the same time, I personally do not believe it is fair or right for you to tell this girl she cannot marry this guy. I say this with the utmost respect brothers that I do understand you but it is not right. The sister is already traumatised by her past and feels immensely guilty and brothers must also realise that comments like these can be very hurtful and damaging.
If Allah swt has forgiven sins, then who are we to question otherwise? No one has the right to tell anyone who they can or cannot marry based on their sins. Remember it is Allah swt that is The judge and it is Him we will answer to. Remember that if you have stayed away from zina, Alhumdulilah, but it is Allah swt that has protected you.
Also its important to know that the views on here do not represent every brothers view, so sisters please do not worry about this. Only Allah swt knows your future.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
JazakAllah, Sister Sara. May Allah swt bless you for your generous help, ameen.
-Helping Sister
Thanks to the Sisters for their kind words and advice, you made me feel better .It also helped that "John" and "A Muslim man" told me their thoughts on this.Even though it was harsh for me, that is what almost all Muslim Men think. I think i will breakup with him , than tell him about my past, i don't think i can do that. I don't think i can be able to Marry a Pious Muslim Man , or a Muslim Man at all. I don't think it is fair to them. I'll just keep repenting and asking Allah for forgivness because only Allah can forgive me , there is noone else that can forgive me for my sins,and i shouldn't expect them to.I have done those sins when i was very young, but i still feel guilty about them.There are no Muslim Men who would prefer an Impure Girl over a Pure Girl. I don't want to live my whole life by getting married to a great Man and feeling guilty for what i have done a long time ago.Even though it would be great to get Married ,i can't deal with the guilt .Thank you all for your advice.
What happened to your case, did you marry that guy or not. Please tell us. I hope you are happy now
Dear Sister,
Its clear from your posting that you are trying to live on the right path and do the right thing, mashallah it is very difficult to turn your life around esp in a nonmuslim country, inshallah you will be rewarded, and as you are trying to please Allah, inshallah Allah will definitely help you. Sister there are so many verses and hadith about forgiveness, inshallah your sincere repentance will be accepted and you will be forgiven. There are people who live their whole life in sin, then near the end of their life they repent and go to Heaven. There are people who live their whole life religiously, then near the end of their life they do something wrong and end in Hell, there is a hadith that says something like this though I can't quote it exactly. So the point is as long as you sincerely repent, turn your life around, fill it with good deeds, inshallah you will be in Heaven. Our religion is full of hope but as humans (myself included) we often forget that.
Sister I can't tell you what to do or not, neither can anyone else, because even if you get a million opinions the only one whose opinion matters is Allah. So my advice is just ask Allah. In Islam there is a way for us to make decisions if we don't know what to do, it is Salat Istikhara, so just do Istikhara and ask Allah what to do, I think this way you will get the best answer.
From what I have read of concealing sins, I don't think you should tell anyone your past, I dont think anything good can come out of it and you are certainly not required to tell anyone. However, I also dont think anyone should lie or deceive another. Someone posted a link which said to even lie if you have to to conceal your sins, but I have read on another site you should conceal your sins but not lie or deceive ( I think it was Islam Q A), so perhaps different scholars have different opinions. If it was me though, I wouldn't ask someone if they ever ate pork or sinned, etc, but if it came out somehow that they did and lied about it, it wouldn't be the past repented sin that bothered me, it would be the fact that they lied and tried to deceive me in the present. Think how you would feel if you started a marriage with someone lying to you.
There are many men who wouldn't ask or care about the past. I am from a very conservative culture that stigmatized things like divorce, single parents, etc. But I know many people (some are my relatives) in that society that were divorced and easily happily remarried, I know people who I dont think ever had a girlfriend but married girls with a "past" and they are happy and dont care (but they knew about it and no deception was involved). Whereas I know so many girls that never had a past, young healthy pretty, but cant get proposals. So it all comes from Allah. Alot of people these days find it hard to get married, past or not, so its not just your past making it difficult, people without a past have it really hard too. It is just when Allah wills it to happen, it happens. A perfect supermodel looking girl may not get matches because its not Allahs will, someone who is stigmatized by a close minded society for being an older single mother who doesnt want more children may find a match easily if it is Allahs will. Believe me I have seen many cases of people who would be thought to easily marry have it difficult, and those with reasons that make it harder find it easy. It is all Allah's hands and timing.
If a man is so obsessed about this issue though, perhaps he is not right for you. Most Muslims I know do not go around talking about how awful Americans are. From the sounds of your post it seems that this man may be a bit obsessive. It might not be normal behavior. How would you feel to raise your children in America thinking that America is terrible? Also from the sound of your post it is affecting you emotionally. You should be in a marriage that makes you loved, happy, safe, secure. Not where you are getting emotionally traumatized by reminders of things that should be a closed book that you put behind you. I dont know what would happen after marriage if somehow the secret came out, it could be a disaster if he has this kind of attitude.
If you think he really wouldn't be happy with someone who has a past, you may want to consider letting him go. When you love someone truly, you value their happiness above yourself, if this is what he truly wants, let him find it. Dont tell your past though, just say you feel incompatible or have different views. Everyone has their preferences, and if you know for sure he wants someone who never did anything, and you pretend you didnt, some people would feel like they were being deceived and would be very unhappy if they found out. There are really so many men that don't care, or have had past relationships themselves, or realize only the present and future matters not the past, one of these men may be more compatible with you. I have seen many girls with "pasts" get happily married when girls without pasts didnt find anyone, its just your destiny from Allah. Plus you are in the US, where many men have more liberal ways of thinking and have had relationships themselves.
One more thing I noticed some comments mentioning people forgiving. Really first of all, if we conceal our sins people wont know about them, and even if they do, peoples forgiveness does not really matter (unless we wronged them) Of course if we wronged someone or harmed them we should ask for forgiveness, like if we steal money from someone we must return it. However, strangers that have nothing to do with us or our sins, are in no place to forgive us nor do we need to ask for their forgiveness. It is only Allahs forgiveness or people that we have wronged whose forgiveness we need, not forgiveness of strangers. I know some socieites are very close minded and judgmental of people they dont even know and things that are not their business, hopefully since you live in the US you will face a bit less of this closemindedness.
Anyway, my advice based on what I know of our religion would be:
1. End boyfriend girlfriend relationship
2. You and he both repent for any wrongs
3.Both of you pray Istikhara
4. If positive, have nikah ASAP, be happy and confident knowing this is Allahs will for you and dont look back
5. If negative you will probably feel sad, but know inshallah Allah has something better in store for you. You may feel like you are in such a hard situation due to the past, but know that there are many girls without pasts that have it just as hard or harder to get married, it just wasnt the time or person Allah chose for you
like I have said I know situations with girls with past got married easily when they turned their life around, and those without pasts couldnt get married. It just depends on destiny, Allahs will and timing.
There was a story in the newspaper today about a girl Ameneh Bahrami, google her, some crazy guy took her a proposal and she refused it, he threw acid in her face, now she is disfigured and blind, think how she feels about her chances for marriage. There are many girls who dont have pasts that have more hardships and barriers like illness, looks, disability, poverty, and have it much harder than you.
A believer's life is full or difficulty, trial and hardship, so as a believer you will definitely have hardships in life and life may not be easy. It is a great blessing that you were guided to religion, and inshallah Allah will make the way easier for you.
Take Z's advice.
where r u from btw?
I don't know where did my comment go? Well here we go again!
The past has consequences. And you have to face them. If your actions could "Harm" and innocent person? Then let him go and find someone like you.
You know what John said? Its true but Im the female! And my husbands past haunts me and makes me miserable. My husbands past hurt it me more than can any men imagine.
Now here is the difficulty that im facing right now:
I got divorced the first time because my he cheated on me. Then It took me five years after my first divorce to see some light and trust men again. I met many many suitors. From the lowest class to the higher class. From the ignorant to the one with the best education. What I was looking for was a man that has moral values. So i choose one... I asked hi many many times if he has been with other women in his life besides his ex-wife? He said No... Its Haram! I asked him again and again. Have you been with any other women beside your ex-wife. Again he said NO. I said to him "would you accept a woman with a past?" he said No! he said neither do I!!! So as much as I like you or love you! Im not blind and I know just like you what i wont put up with! So we said we should get married! Before the Sheikh came! I asked him again! Have you been with other women? He said NO WALLAH NO WALLAH. (yes women are annoying) and they should be worst! So we got married and I was happy for a short while. Months later i got sick! I went to the Dr. and she told me i got nothing. "I knew i got something" Months passed and the paint returned but more severe. So i went to another Dr. and she told me well to the visible human eye! you got nothing! and we will do more tests and see. And they gave me pills for a week to calm the pain so they can do another test. And finally the truth came out! I had an Invisible STD thanks to My Good Muslim Husband that Knows what Haram is? This STD is harmful. And even if goes to sleep after a while it can return. It can stay a decade in your body. He was with an Old woman that used to work at the gym and he was 19 years old. And few years later he Got married with another woman. After She divorced him he went with another woman that he found in a Gas station on his way home.(Yes he is Very practical) a few years later he married me!
Do i have respect for him? No its gone. Do I admire him? No! Do I love him? Just some good memories. Do i trust him? Nooooo
Its been a year since the Dr. told me The truth that my Cursed husband. When I faced him that day he said "I didn't want to lose you" Blah Blah and i said "I wish you had"
Every day I have nightmares with him and the things he did with those whores. Every day I ask my self " And old women? A women at a Gas station? I can't rest... Im very Very miserable. Men only think that they can't deal with someone's past? But Im a Woman and I can't either. Don't do something that another person would not tolerate. And its so Cynical! that What you like in this Guy is that he is not wild and has control. Someone should be paying for your sins. YES because i have to face difficulties because of him. We can't have relations and a condom will not do much! The other parts are infected and you can't see them and you can't protect your self. Is this from God? Noooooo its from my husband's actions. Is nott he Shitan that Haunts me with his past! its his actions and his lies. Its easy to blame the Shitan when you are weak. You should be More Afraid of God and think twice and know what you are getting into. My husband said he changed because of the STD but do you think that by him changing makes any difference to me? I can't forget what he has done. i wish I could divorce him! but c'mon a third marriage? and by the time this STD goes to sleep I will be 33-34 years old! if it goes to sleep? I feel like killing my self every day... and I say "life's Hell is better that the real Hell" What a fake marriage I have and a low human being fr a husband. I ask for Dua every day "if there is nothing good for me in this life and death is better for me? Then let Death come, My door is open"
So if anyone wants to do Good deeds. Find me a Good Muslim man that has moral Values and tell him to wait for me for a few years.
🙁
It hurts,
I'm so sorry to hear what happened. I hope some treatment can be found to give you complete and quick healing inshallah, eat healing foods like honey and black seed (as long as you are not pregnant because some people say dont eat black seed in pregnancy) and also look up duas for healing and try whatever kinds of medical and herbal treatments are available.
As for your husband it is a very difficult situation, if he has truly repented can you trust him now? The fact that he lied so many times about it is probably causing trust issues. I dont understand why you cant have relations when he already must have the disease as he passed it to you. Can you have children with this man? Would you even want to, now that the trust is gone.
I dont think you should feel trapped just because its your second marriage. If you decided your marriage is a sham and divorced there are men who would marry you in spite of being divorced twice, but you would probably need to heal your body first, I dont think you could marry anyone in good conscience knowing you have a STD, unless he is aware of it and accepts it. Please do Istikhara to decide about your marriage. Only Allah knows if this man has truly changed or if your relationship can get past this and be happy in the future.
Im not sure what you mean by the disease going to sleep, Im surprised there is no treatment to get it under control sooner, if you have tried all possible medical alternatives go to a herbal doctor or look for healing with Islamic medicines, keep searching the internet for any new experimental treatments. I have a serious illness and am disabled, I will tell you things like black seed and reading sura Yasin helped me much more than any medicines I have gotten from doctors.
Please do Istikhara to decide about whether or not to remain in your marriage and do Tahajjud and ask Allah to heal you. For most stds even if not curable there are treatments to help the symptoms, it generally shouldnt take so many years "to put a disease to sleep" I wonder if you have seen a specialist who knows the latest treatments. Please make sure you are getting the best and latest medications and care.
I know you must feel so depressed, heartbroken, and betrayed. I hope as your illness comes under control you can make the right decision about your marriage and find peace, happiness, love, and trust and have kids either with this man or if you divorce then with someone else. Alot of people with STDs do have kids that are healthy, but you might need to be monitored carefully by a doctor.
I wish you a full and speedy recovery inshallah. Let me know if there is anything I could do, I would be happy to research medical and herbal treatments for you if you thought it might help.
Z
Thank you for responding. And Im deeply sorry about your illness. May god give you the strength! I don't want to have kids anymore. I don't want them to have a miserable life like mine... I wanted a good man that was never with no one. I didn't get that. And about the STD. The Doctors said that the body cleans it if there are no relations. But its takes years. Then after a few years if it didn't go away then I can get a painful surgery to kill the virus with out anesthesia. i would never marry if I still have the STD. I do feel so trapped I fell like he took everything fro me. I feel Dirty and I feel like he raped me.
INeedHelp: Don't be selfish honey! Let this guy Go!
Sister ithurts,
The feelings you are having about being miserable and not wanting kids may be from depression, alot of people get depressed when facing a incurable disease, I struggle with depression daily, plus you are dealing with trust and betrayal marital issues and things may seem bleak right now, but inshallah if your health improves and you get your hope back, you might want kids in the future and inshallah will find happiness in life, you are still very young and have time to wait for childbearing.
What the doctors told you sounds bizarre to me, sorry to say, please make sure you saw the best specialist and get a second opinion. I wonder if you are in a western country or perhaps in a country with less medical options. please make sure you keep checking the internet to see if what the doctors told you is indeed the best treatment and look for other treatment options, even if they are experimental or herbal. If its the virus I think it might be, there are some antiviral meds that do help, though dont completely cure it. Not having relations for years seems ridiculous, what the point of being married then esp if you dont even trust your husband. I really do think there are probably better treatments, I used to study healthcare before I got sick myself so I know a little about these things, please see another doctor and travel to another town to see a specialist if you need to. Mashallah it wasnt HIV. I hope a better treatment is found for you and you can recover both physically and mentally inshallah.
Z
I have HPV high risk. It means that it can give you cancer. Im in US and I went to 3 different doctors in two different states. Dr. recommend to let the body clean it by it self. I did My research too. You can have relations but with condoms only. And the condoms don't protect everything! because the other parts are also infected. Most Doctors say let the body take care of it first. Then if it doesn't go away then we are going to see what we can do. But do know that it can return. That's why they said "it goes to sleep" meaning that it doesn't really go away. Im 31 years old. I never had kids.
By telling me that you have an illness and are disabled you made me Jealous! God loves you more that he loves me!
sis ithurts,
Im so sorry for your illness, i didn;t mean to imply you hadnt done enough research or to make you post your personal details here, I just wanted to mention it just in case there could have been options your docs were unaware of, just to make sure you were getting to best possible care and leaving no stone unturned. Im really sorry if I caused any offense. Dont be jealous sis, i struggle so much with depression that I am really so scared of not passing the trial, I barely even pray for healing anymore as Ive pretty much given up, I just pray I will pass the trial and make it to Heaven, cause I dont have much hope for this world, its not really a state to be jealous of.
Anyhow i hope some new treatment options come up for you. Please do try Islamic meds like black seed, but you have to take it consistently to see good results, try twice a day for at least 6-8 weeks and be consistent.
You are still quite young, though you may feel like you are old and your life is over, theres still plenty of time for you if you heal yourself and decide you want kids. I will pray for you inshallah.
sorry to the original poster for going off topic.
Z
You forgive me if I sounded rude. You didn't offend me at all. And i really don't mind about the details. You actually made me laugh when you said " You probably feel old" 😀 I don't feel old. I just feel trapped. Thank you for your concern. And the reason why i put which can of STD I have because I thought that you want to see it online. Some things in life you just have to let it be and be patient. If you think about it of why you can't have relations it will make since. this is a sexual transmitted disease. The body needs to remove all the impurities. Like a self clean. Doctors say the if they do the surgery before time is of no use and they learned that the body does a better job.
Im sorry about your illness. I don't know how to make you feel better... that's why I said about Jealousy! But its True God must love you A lot to let you face that illness. I understand you about the depression that"s why we can't think right and have hope. I hope you feel better and heal your body. God is very compassionate even when we get angry and forget how generous God is with us.
Sis ithurts,
I did look up your illness, I guess one of the options is watch and wait which you are doing. I guess there are creams and surgical procedures that can also be considered. I dont know if you tried to herbal and natural treatments like folic acid or islamic meds, if not I would encourage you to look into it. I also came across websites for patients, I dont know if you are on those sites or discussing with others with the same illness would help you.
Try to strenghten your body and keep yourself strong, inshallah the virus will clear quickly. If you are ever in Chicago I know of a very good muslim lady gynecologist here if you want another opinion.all my love and best wishes,
Z
again aplogies to the OP for off topic posting
Z
I will e-mail you.
Salam editors,
could you please remove my email from my post above May 17, 2011 at 1:27 am.
Jazakallah khair
how do you think a pure woman feels when her husband decides he loves another woman & wants another wife?if men are so sensitive and fragile regarding a womans virginity,what hope does wodows & women divorced by angry husbands for refusing to share a husband with another wife have?
Salam,
I don't think I made myself clear in my last post and I take responsibility for that. What I meant to say is, I personally have a problem with women who engaged in haram activities out of wed-lock. I as a man would be happy to marry a woman who was previously married as when she engaged in activities it was blessed. This woman engaged in these activities 7 years ago and she is now 31, that mean’s when she did the dirt she was 24. I personally believe she was old enough to know what she did and if no man wants to marry her than that is her fault. What man wants to marry a woman as she put it "did stuff with American men". She had multiple partners, imagine walking down the street with your kids and her and you come across her 'previous' lovers, it would be embarrassing. I hope that the man in question discovered her past and if he did no doubt he ran for the door.
Mustafa
Mustafa,
You said: "I hope that the man in question discovered her past and if he did no doubt he ran for the door."
How unmerciful of you.
Man was created weak and Allah knows this. Hence he has warned us against sinning but has also reminded us that if we do sin, then we shoud immediately turn back to Him through seeking forgiveness. Having done so, we should not dwell on our sin but learn our from our mistakes and then move on as better people.
Allah promises in Surah Zumar, Ayah 53 that He(swt) will forgive the sincerely repenting person: "...O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."
So it may do you some good to remember this and also the following ahadith of our Rasool(saw_:
"The Most Merciful shows mercy to those who have mercy on others. Show mercy to those on earth, and the One above the heaven will show mercy to you."
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
So true brother mustafa
Islam is not like this....." Oh I like this surah and hadith so I will follow it "
Islam is not pick and choose what you like ....
I am again REQUESTING to EDITORS OF THIS SITE ....
Please try to be fair , balanced and un biased . You are editors of this site and it's your responsibility to convey the whole truth and be neutral .
Mustafa,
Pornographic lifestyle? Are you kidding me? In all entirety who gave you the right to label people? Why not show some taqwa and learn to speak kindly first, then quote all these versus from the Quran. You state:
“Finally most of these people who post about their pornographic lifestyle usually never stay faithful, 'most' revert back to their old ways. May Allah protect us from those who left the ways of our prophet (saw).”
I’m sorry but you disgust me. Most of the Allah fearing Muslimahs who have REALIZED their sin do NOT return to that path again because they KNOW their repentance will not be accepted by Allah swt (in order for your repentance to be applicable, you cannot return to it). Yes people make MISTAKES and many of them do learn from them. You just can’t just generalize a whole population of people who committed sins and say they all are corrupt or whatever term you may like to use because SOME of them return to their initial sin.
I personally find it useless to bang heads with people like you who have not an ounce of mercy or compassion within their hearts. People like you only know how to take out versus from the Quran that confirm their point of views. Learn to read the Quran thematically, not just to your benefit. Yes, I am being harsh and rude with you because clearly kindness is doing you no good.
Lastly, the editors of this website DO NOT have a “soft spot” or biased views for those (both male/female) who commit zina (both prior to or after marriage). They however understand the meaning of repentance (as stated numerous times by Allah swt in the Quran) and are offering advice on how to NOT return to their previous sins. Give these people some credit, honestly. They have helped so many people here in IA and many people have made amends because of the hope these editors and others have given them. If all of them were as dogmatic and harsh as you, I guarantee that half the people would either wallow themselves in misery or guilt and the latter half would just give up on Allah swt’s mercy and keep committing sins.
Be careful with the generalizations you make. Unless you have concrete evidence and statistics to prove to me that MOST of these people return to zina don’t try to implement your views and state them as facts.
-Helping Sister
Helping sister ,
You are right that women who have committed sins and have genuinely repented , must be given second chance . But , with all due respect , you must understand that it is really hard for man to trust them . The only way out is to keep the sin as secret and never let it out , but then again this will raise some serious concerns . Nevertheless , Allah knows best
Soul,
As I stated earlier, for those whom virginity is paramount, do make it clear indirectly that you are in search for a virgin Muslimah and inshAllah potential prospects will steer away themselves.
It is your human right to ask for a virgin Muslimah if you have guarded your virginity nd not had physical pre-marital relations in the past (it is one thing to guard your virginity, but an entirely different thing to be chaste—i.e.: no physical relations in the past), but do not let your curiosity get the best of you. As the famous saying goes, "curiosity killed the cat".
When you do decide to marry however, choose wisely and then leave the rest up to Allah swt.
In the end, remember that this life is temporary and any pain you endure with patience, inshAllah Allah swt will reward for you it immensely.
I highly suggest that you make sincere duaa to Allah swt for a virgin Muslimah and leave the rest up to Him.
-Helping Sister
Aoa! U r lucky tht u hv a power 2 nt tel anythng be strong. 1st of all dont u ever think 2 tell him any thng cz results woud b miserable. u r changd and Allah is the most merciful n keeps a secrets. I m naturaly over honest n sufring frm same my fiance who used 2 b my only n best freind for last 7 years n knows abt my past in frndship he was understangding libral n respected me a lot 4 my brave act of being honest n happy too have me but after entering in love relationship for last 2 years he became the most conrervativ n tourcher n nw abused me a lot on fon bcz we r in long distnc rlationship i m a very practicing muslim n dat ws all my past bt he has no respct 4 me n torcher me day and night on fon calls n messages. I have lost my most loving person due to my honesty cz i didnt want 2 hide anythng frm him its the bigest regret of ma life i m living like a dead.. I am begging u please dont u evr reveal anythng 2 your lov that u will b a living deadbody.. I cant turn tht time bck but u have a time dont tell him n if u feel guilty for not being honest with him then let me tell you u r honest enough for being fair. Just Pray to God to give u the strength to forget u all that and securing your secret n keep u happy forever Amin
i am a virgin muslim man, and reading this kind of post has already depressed me. I once thought i would never ask a girl such questions, but nowadays it seems our societies are changed. Maybe your trauma is a punishment for your past, and may Allah remove it. Either way, its your choice if you want to tell him or not. May we all be saved from similas situations insha Allah. Ameen.
Brother abc,
make sincere duaa to Allah swt for a virgin female. If you have guarded your modesty (i.e. virginity AND not had pre-marital physical relations) than inshAllah Allah swt will bless you with a virgin female. There is nothing wrong in asking for such a thing: it is your human right. Do not be depressed. You may feel that the majority of Muslims (male or female) are not virgins but since this website is a place for those who are in need of help, do not use this website as means of generalizing all Muslims and assuming that everyone is in the same boat. There are many Muslims that are still virgins, alhumdulillah.
Apologies if my post made you depressed; my intention was not to hurt you at all.
-Helping Sister
Helping Sister
I think I may have been insensitive here. You really do not need to shoulder more guilt. This discussion has the negative effect I mentioned in the previous post, but now having heard of your suffering, I am even more motivated to preserve my purity. May Allah help me with that. There are always two sides to a coin, and Allah SWT does things in strange ways. We are but human, and our only resort is to trust Allah SWT. Indeed it is easy for Allah to grant us what we want, if only we trust him completely.