I can’t live with him this way, but I can’t live without him
I want to bring my husband back
Salam brothers & sisters
Hope you are all well. I would be grateful if you could please spare some of your precious time to give me your perspective and guidance on this very important matter I am facing in my life. May Allah reward you.
I have posted here before regarding problems I am having with my husband. Basically I have been married over 12 years. I have two kids. For the last 12 years I have been helping my husband financially. His parents are back home. I have also assisted his parents and siblings financially.
I got loans out for him to open his business. I did whatever I could to make him happy. For the last 7 years we were happy and very much in love. Then his business failed. He fell out with his partners. We suffered financial hardship. I was working full time as always and trying to make ends meet.
I managed to come to pay off most of HIS debts and just about manage to pay the household bills and some of the remaining debts with my income whilst he is jobless.
To cut a long story short he got a job finally after 3 years. Then I noticed the problems. He didn't bring any money home and kept making excuses and telling me to be patient. I accepted his excuses and waited. After one year had passed still no wages! I nagged him to get another job as he is not making any money.
He still persisted with this job and became angry with me for asking him to leave. Then I found out that he was taking drugs, maybe gambling. He had pictures of naked woman in his phone. He watched porn. He stopped praying. Stopped contact with his relatives.
When I confronted him he kept lying and making up a million lies to cover the original lie!. He kept arguing with me and verbally abusing me and trying to put the blame on me. He kept threatening me that if I argue with him and ask him to pay bills then he will divorce me. After more arguments he left and never came back or called.
I got my parents and his relatives involved, at this time I was thinking of seeking khula as he left me and never called or asked about the kids. My son was severly ill and he didn't care!. We had a meeting. He cried and told everyone he loves me and kids and wants to come back. I gave him conditions that he must act like a good muslim husband and father i.e provide for us financially and stop haram activities and stop lying to me.
He agreed to everything I Said. After that we were happy for a few weeks. He was paying for the bills and being nice to me and kids. I was over the moon. then I found out that for the last one year he has been having an affair with another woman!. He was just flirting on the phone with her no phisycal relationship. (Well thats what he told me only Allah knows the truth).
I forgave him again after. Then we were ok for a few more weeks. Then suddenly he stopped paying any money and kept making excuses again. I was firm with him and told him that i would not tolorate this behavoir and if he continues this behavoiur I will leave him. Then he promised he will change but again he continued with the non payment every week.
When it was pay day he dissapeared for 4 days and nights. He kept saying he was at work when he wasn't! He kept lying consistently. I told him that I will leave him. Then he apologised and cryied that he will not do this again so I forgave him.
I gave him an ultimatum again that he is out next time he puts a foot wrong!. He apologised. I took him back again. The very next day he stayed out the whole day and night and said he was at work. He wouldn't answer my calls. When he came back home I checked and found that he wasn't even working for the last two days! He was lying to me yet again!
Now I don't know what to do!. To sum it up my husband has stopped praying completely!. He doesn't provide for us, I pay all the bills. He stays out most nights with the excuse of work. He is a compulsive lier!. He doesn't care about mine or my kids health and welfare.
He gets angry quickly and blames me for everything and tries to make up lies about me so that I look bad! I take care of the kids and the house and the bills!. I feel like I am a single parent as he does nothing!. I have given him a million changes but he keeps going back to his old tricks.
It looks like he will never change. Even his uncles have had enough of trying to bring him around. They have said they do not want to deal with this matter anymore as he never answers their phone or meets up to discuss this matter. But I don't know why after everything he has done to me I still love him and can't let him go!!.
I desperately want him to change and take care of me and my kids financially and emotionally. But this is highly unlikely.
I have tried speaking to him lovingly, kindly, firmly, you name it I've done it!. But nothings working!. I have given him ultimatums but have not followed them through when he broke the rules again. If I think practically the best thing to do is leave him as he will never change!.
My family are begging me to leave him as they see no good in him not to mention the stress me and my kids are going through dealing with this.
I am also terrified of being alone as I need a companion, a friend as kids will grow up and get married and leave me. I am very insecure. Also my kids will be without a father. Mother and father are irreplaceble. Nobody will marry me with two kids. The only men willing will be the ones from 'back home'. They are visa hungry and will leave me after they attain citizenship.
Has anyone else been in this situation is there anything else I can try? If not how do I let go of him after 12 years of marriage? I am really depressed I can't make a decision.
Jazzal allah for your time.
Sumaira
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Dear Sister,
I believe you have been a very patient individual mashallah. Because you have repeatedly forgiven your husband, he knows that you will do so again and again. Mashallah sister, you have money...many sisters do not and are often stuck. Are you prepared to live this way? You are worried that your husband won't be there for his kids but he isn't there for them now! Your husband lies to you and sad to say, he is probably sleeping around behind your back. Don't wait for him to bring home some venereal disease to you sister, you deserve better than that. Your husband lacks what it takes to be a real man and a real father. He does not provide for you or his children. This is no life for any woman and as long as you continue to take him back in, he will continue his bad ways because he knows he can. I pray that you will find it in your heart to do what you need to do to make a better life for you and those children of yours.
Salam
salaam sister,
if you stay with him you will be worried all the time.Is that better then being alone in the long run?Your family does not have a problem you leaving him.Please dont take him back anymore and he might change.Now he knows he can come and go as he pleases.
I agree I would honestly leave this man your better off without him. He knows you will keep on giving him chances so he will keep on doing what he is doing. And I think he should be giving you money and paying for bills instead of you working and doing all the work. Honestly if that was my husband who was doing that to me I would have left him along time ago because he isn't a real man, a real man does all the work the women stay home and take care of her kids. So sister I'm so sorry to read your story insallah Allah open a better door for you soon.
Salaams,
You said you have posted your story on here before, and gotten responses. Was there a reason the responses given were not enough to help you make a decision? To me it will always boil down to the same two options: stay or go. Not choosing to leave is actually choosing to stay. You can dissect the issues that led your marriage to this point all night and all day for weeks, months, and years, but in the end you will either decide to leave him, decide to stay with him with eyes wide open, or do nothing and end up staying with him by default.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
i agree with all the above posts, you should leave this man he dont deserve you. I feel for you that their are kids involved but like you said he dont care, there is only so much you can do to help someone. Changing someone dont work believe you me sister your not the problem he is, you have to let that person take responsibility for their own actions and if they dont then you know what you need to do.
i am sorry for your pain i know words speak louder than someone who is in this situation but ask yourself this do i need to be in a marriage like this, that gives me no respect and also for my children's future is this healthy? Do you seriously want to be around a man who uses drugs and gods knows what else is it safe environment for your children to be in?
Sister, it is hard to trust on someone who is drug addict. They always lie and can do anything for the sake of money. Have patience and leave him for good.
Thank you brothers and sisters for your advice. I am grateful jazakallah. After doing ishtikara and thinking long and hard I have finally asked him for khula. Now he has completely changed he doesnt even want to know me or his kids. He just accepted it and said yes. I know that I have made the right decision now.
Now I have to chase him to obtain a legal divorce and khula. Which he is making very difficult for my by not getting in contact with any of his family to end it all. He has done a dissapearing act again!
Dear Sister Sumaira,
I just read your story. you went through a lot but alhamdullilah you came out of it.
since i take you as my elder sister, will you please check the given below link and answer to story put up by A lost Soul ...its me only.... but out of guilty, i could not dare to put in my this name 'a repenter muslimah'
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/confused-about-inner-changes-purdah/
It seems my question has been deleted.
As learnt from you dear brother Wael, it will take almost next two months to get my posts published and I cant wait this long as I am having some sort of depression and I want to come out of it, therefore may I request that to let Sister Sumira / Sister Anxious Soul , as well as you to please answer my given below question as I need urgent guidance and i promise i will not ask again and would wait for my questions to get published.
I had this thought to donate all money I have in bank in form of fixed deposits & money I will get from selling of the car, in charity but I have these thoughts too that
1. He did not say from his mouth that it’s a gift to me . As i have never taken any interest in money so I didn’t ask him as such and just did what he asked me to do. I had heard him saying that he cannot keep all the amount in his account due to government tax issue. So I have no right to decide how disposal of the same.
2. The money he received was actually a commission, so for me, it will be haram to keep or use in islamic charity. I had always this thought within that I would never use this money and would somehow return to him and that’s why I made him nomine for these amounts only.
3. He is sole provider to his family and he (though he belongs to respected and upper class) but have limited source of earning. So I get this thought that this amount should be spent on his family or he should decide whether to use this for his family or donate.
4. If I send this amount (in cash) to him through my office boy, then I afraid that I might again have to hear any harsh words from him ( I know he won’t like it). I also afraid that this should not start ‘give and take’ business. He has few things I gifted to him and I have thousands of things I got from him. If he returns any of it, it will pain me a lot. And practically its not possible to give back or take back everything.
5. You can call me stupid or foolish but when we were together (as he is non muslim so he doesn’t believe in paying zakat) but I have been paying zakat on that money and even sadka for him and his family on behalf of ‘us’.
6. I have his certain docs (soft as well hard copies). I don’t know if he might need them in future, that’s why I have not destroyed them. I don’t know what to do. Should send to him or should just keep hoping he would ask for it if needed, but then they would keep me reminding of him.
Considering above, still you think I should donate the amount or what to do ,please answer point no 6 as well.
Dear Brother Wael
Can you guide me in light of Islam as this thing is eating me
Its regarding breaking the promise/taken oath/vow- i took on my 'eemaan' that i would never be on any social or other networking site- to prove my loyalty to the man i loved (i am out of that relationship now)
But now I feel that since I was in a haram relationship, the promises given to him turn to be invalid and if I am seeking Islamic guidance/knowledge or trying to help a Muslim brother/sister in the light of Islam (like on this site) , then there is nothing wrong about it. But I am not sure about it.
Am i right or should i have to pay any Kaffara for this?
please help me with answer to these two issues, they are killing me, i cant wait till my post gets pubished (two months).
Jazakallah khairan
sis,have you changed your mobile number,blocked him from networking sites,changed your passwords etc, etc?As in how many resources are there available for him to contact you again?What I'm trying to get at is, is there any way that you could send him all the money/gifts/documents back anonymously, without him having a way to get back to you and give his response, which would only pain you more?I think if its possible,it would be the best option for you to take.As for the oath thing, as per my knowledge, I don't think you have broken any oath in the first place, but I would also like to hear Brother Wael or any other editor's comment on this as they have more knowledge of Islam, and would be able to guide you better regarding this.
Dear Sister
I have discontinued the mobile connection i had taken exclusively for him (it will be a sign to him from me) but he has my other mobile number/my office nos./ my sister's number. Even he and his family is using mobile connections which are in my name as they belong to some other state hence i had to provide. my father knows this as he has met him and his family as 'office friend'.
I know this that he would not stalk me or blackmail me ever. he is not that kind of man.
i just find it immoral to donate the money (bank as well from selling the car) when he didnt clearly made me its owner (i feel he had intentions but i dont want to go by them). He has no sources as such to send things to me (he cant send his office boy as i used to work in the same office before he got transferred to my city so everybody there know me well so he wont take this step) and when he has said that " i dont even want to see your face, if we ever happen to cross our path, turn your face and go away" ( i still wonder what made him to hate me this much!!) so i dont think he would visit my office.
to be on safe side, i have this thought to send a note alongwith money & docs that saying that ' this money you had invested through me and you were the nominee, it belonged to 'us' but when we are no longer 'one' then i am returning back to its owner. I am just lessening the monetary burden i have on me. since we have thousand of things with each other, lets not get into return back/ give back business. i already have your harsh words" i dont even want to see your face, if we ever happen to cross our path, turn your face and go away" , please do not increase my pain"....something like this.... i dont know what to do...i know he wont like my sending money back to him, he would get more angry, i also dont want to sound as if i am trying to come back to his life, i also dont want to have more harsh words from him, i also dont want to see him in person...i dont know what to do....this issue is eating me within
I still think the best option would be to send the money, gifts and documents MINUS the note back to him, whether he likes it or not is irrelevant because you are just doing the right and honourable thing by returning what you feel is his by right, if he says harsh words the chances of which are highly unlikely then just reply in a dignified manner and tell him what your intentions are.But if you feel uncomfortable doing this, the next best option would be to keep all the stuff in a safe place and not use it at all,keep it all intact, including the car, just in case he suddenly changes his mind and asks for it back.
Dear Sister, I understand your advice is wise and practical but my problem is that i have been keeping them (docs, FD receipts etc) for last 5 months since we parted, but as i had told my family that i had taken car on installment then i have to use it, when i didnt use it for some time, my father got after me ( same blame, i am wasting money by not using car, why I waste money (travel) in public transport when i have car) but i know he (my man) does not own any car here in this city, he is using cab/public transport, it gives me immense guilt not to use it.
further i got to know from bank that those Fixed Deposits are to be matured next year in May 2014 and if i withdraw it now, then i will have to pay penalty(some % amount will be deducted) of the same. this means i will have to pay from my pocket to total the amount exact.
the thing is that i feel connected to him because of such things.
i am already concerned with many other things which are too expensive (like Rolex watch) or things which i could not donate due to size issue (dresses, bangles etc) & also for the reason that i am unable to find people at my own whom i can donate as i live in a metro city. and i cant give these things to my mom or anybody to donate as it will raise questions in their mind.
i spent the entire weekend thinking about this issue and i got this thought that now i find it hard to use public transport to commute to office. so i need car. i thought that i would sell it off and would buy a new one and it would peace me as i would be buying with my own money. so i checked the possibility of amount i will get from selling and it shocked me that i would get half the price he paid last year (its just one year old car). then i got confused if i will have to put from my pocket or should i just handover to him whatever amount i will get from selling (but then i feel concerned that i am poor in such business) without telling him that its from selling the car.
i am so sorry for troubling you all for this but i cant share this problem with anyone around hence seeking guidance for proper disposal of the things.
Dear Sister Sumaira,
Apart from kids as reason, how you have been able to move on and free yourself from those emotional trauma. I would like to learn from you as its getting tough for me to move on. I avoid to my best but sometimes, I think about the good times we had and get upset. Then I think of bad thing that happened between us. Simultaneously my guilt of committing the grave sins being with him haunt me like anything.
As we share same taste so whatever programmes/channels/movies I like to see were his favourites too. So if I am watching TV, it used to remind me of him. To get rid of it, I packed my personal TV and watch TV with family, but there some ad or some song or some programme do take me to flashback. My eyes get moist and I feel lost. It becomes very hard to control myself and be normal.
I can't stop reminiscing about the old times. Sometimes, because of my niece/nephews or something funny thing happen around and I get a smile or even a laugh. I enjoy that moment, all of sudden , i get his memory in my heart, my smile vanishes, I feel as if I am doing some crime, as if I am not suppose to smile, I get a thought that I am smiling here, he must be all alone there. His words “you are my lucky charm”, “ never leave me” and then “ I don’t want you to even see your face” echo in my ears. I feel utmost sad.
I feel I have no aim in my life. No doubt, my pain is nothing in comparison to yours or my elder sister but you guys have your kids to take care of. I just don’t know where and how to keep myself busy. I looked to find solace with my parents but alas! Not possible.
I feel like to curse myself (sometimes I do) that people in world are suffering so severely like earthquake aftermath in Pakistan or how Muslims are suffering in Syria or how some girls on this website are too complicated situation and how some of them got pregnant or blackmailed by their men…my situation is not worse than them in any way..i should be thankful to Allah(Swt)…but then why I feel like complaining to God, why I miss that man when he had abandoned for whatever reasons…when I can guide people (like I have on website) then why cant I guide myself…I am so blessed by Allah (Swt)…this relationship had no future and somewhere in it, I was not happy too as I was not sinning but was also doing things which were against my principles, nature, taste, likes etc. then I am not able to help myself...one moment I feel completely normal , then in next moment I feel sad and dejected…
Please scold me, please send some eye opening words to me, please make me meet reality, please help me.
Salam sister,
I was feeling exactly like you sister last year. But Alhamdullilah I am much better now. I think the old saying is spot on "time is the best healer" With time your thoughts of him will be less painful. Your past will fade away slowly. After my ex left I thought I will be depressed forever. Everything reminded me of him. I still lived in the same house. Imagine living with someone for 12 years and waking up with them every morning, seeing them every day, and suddenly they are gone and they will never return. It is really heartbreaking. What made it worse is that I kept thinking that he will be back someday and that the divorce will not happen. Magically everything will be ok. The sooner I accepted that its all finished and he will not come back the easier it was to move on with my life.
Sorry sister I don't think I have any eye opening words for you. As everyone says the best way to get out from depression or forget your past is by distracting yourself and getting on with daily activities, new hobbies, spending time with friends etc etc. You give amazing advice to other people sister so yes you should definitely read your own advice to yourself and follow it wholeheartedly. Straight after I didn't feel like going to work or doing anything. Yes much of my strength to get on with my life came from my kids, If I do not look after them who will.
But I also thought what am I achieving by being depressed. I am not gonna get him back or feel better. There is no point being down. Why should you spend even a second of your precouse time thinking about a person who doesn’t care about you one bit! Why should you dwell on the past when that person has forgotten you like a speck of dust? Why should you think of him when he never spared you a thought and has moved on with his life? Does it make sense that he should be enjoying his life and you should be down in the dumps? NO WAY!
I think us women make the biggest mistake when a man shows us a bit of affection we make him our world. This is totally wrong, love, marriage are just part of life. Not our whole life. Not what we live for. We need to think practically with our mind and not with our heart. I thought I had no aim in my life, nothing to live for etc etc. But I don’t think I came into this world just to fall in love with my husband and live happily ever after. Yes if it happens its great but if it doesn’t that’s life. Things don’t work out the way we expect. You just have to let him go and close the chapter. This relationship was just a bad experience. It was a mistake. It was never meant to be. The end.
When I left my ex he swore at me and said that I could not do anything without him and I will struggle and no one will marry me again blah blah… Then when I got upset later I thought about these words too. I thought why should he control my life. Why should he decide that I am nothing without him. I have come to this world alone and will leave this world alone. I don’t need anyone to rely on or depend on only Allah. Why should my life stop because he is gone?. He does not control me, I have full control of my feelings. I decide whether I want to be happy or sad. I even became arrogant and thought I will show him I am much better without him and do really well in life and bring up my kids well etc etc. But now Allhamdullilah I don’t give a monkeys what he thinks of me. I do not care if he marries a million women. He doesn’t mean anything to me, well maybe just the father of my kids! That’s about it.
Let him be happy! My only concern is that I want to be happy and make my kids happy and give them the best in life Inshallah. I do think about my ex but only the happy memories. I had some good times with him and I will cherish them forever. I forget about the bad times and don’t dwell on them much, but they are important too as I have learnt from my mistakes. They make me who I am. Its like a good book you read. You remember the good bits. But you only read a book once(Well I do anyway!) That book of my marriage is finished but I still cherish the good highlights. I still do feel upset sometimes when something reminds me of him or when I see my friends with their husbands but I try to quickly distract myself with other happy thoughts or get busy with other chores.
I know you don’t have kids but you do still have an aim and goal in life, to experience your life to the fullest within islam. You have still yet to gain more knowledge, You have yet to get married, yet to have kids. There is so much to come sister. Your life has just started. Why stop it before it has even began? With hardship comes ease. So ease is just round the corner! Just move on with a fresh start and fresh outlook on life. Make a new routine which includes some fun time too! All work and no play will definitely make anyone depressed! So make some new friends or have fun with the old ones, go out to dinner, shopping, leisure etc etc. When you think of him don’t dwell on it quickly divert your mind to something else. Rebuild your relationship with your sisters, spend more time with family. Just forget about the negative stuff and focus on the positive aspects of your life. Your still young and free, the world is your oyster. Life is so short why not spend it doing something worthwhile instead of being in the dumps. So when life gives you lemons then make lemonade! (lol)
Cheer up sister! You will be fine Inshallah “ )) xxx
Love and hugs sumaira xxx
Walekum salam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh dear Sister Sumaira,
your words reached my heart. Insha-allah i will take myself out of it.
however, i still need your view on the materialistic things to be disposed off as i have written above. can you throw some light on that too. I am sorry if i am asking too much but your advice really matters to me. My sister Anxious Soul has given her view , now i just await yours so i can decide accordingly. May god bless you and your kids. aameen
Dear Sister Sumaira and Anxious Soul
I am really feeling down today. certain things are troubling me and have confused me utmost.
1. actually i had done my other fixed deposits at the same time and as i dont take much interest in money matters (he also had somewhat same approach) so it didnt register in my mind which ones were his and which were mine.I am unable to recall if he gave me 1.5 Lac or 2 Lacs for fixed deposits. i have him nominee only for 1.5 lacs amount. i tried hard to recollect and all i could remember is that he once said that he gave me 2 lacs and in reply, i had told him it was 1.5. i dont know what to do.
2. while remembering, a memory came to me (his mom used to treat me like her daughter, she knew that her son loves me and we are into a relationship, though we never admitted to anyone) his mother had even met my father and she was aware of my family disputes and all. so my ex had told me once that his mother had told him if possible, do some saving for her (my) sake as 'good friend' as she (me) will have no family support and would need money in future. as i could recall, she said this much later to fixed deposits done by me on his behalf. i afraid that if i send him money back, obviously it would make him furious (he is just like me, money does not matter to him as well) but will it pain him that inspite of his telling me about his mother's wish. i sent back money. Will I be doing something wrong? he has already held me responsible for what that has caused to his skin, he already held me responsible for taking away his peace of mind, i afraid if i would increase his pain or anger. I know i still have my heart soft (not due to love but whatever) towards him. i don't want to pain him by any mean. but my morally does not allow me to donate it all without his consent as i don't find myself declared or legal owner of this money.
3. I checked and have learnt that if i sell the car, i will get half the money he paid for it (its just one year old car). i had no intention nor wish to buy a car but it was his decision to buy so we both can easily commute to office ( i used to pick/drop him) and we can save time to spend together. i cannot ask my family or office people about selling it off and i wont be good at selling myself as i will get less amount. so my question is that should i pay from my pocket to make the same amount which he paid while buying it. or whatever amount i would get from selling just send to him without even telling him its from selling of car?
4. As you can read above, he and his family is using mobile connections which are in my name.my father knows this. i cannot ask him to withdraw the same for obvious reasons (his job, good times i had with him and his family) nor i wish to but i get this thought that inspite of being parted, we would still be connected. His docs i have are mostly photocopies, miscellaneous, some doctor's report in origianl etc. (its been 5 months he didn't ask for it all but i afraid, if i destroy them and if he needs them then what will i do? i am unable to decide if they are important to him or not)
5. I have two of his photographs (one solo and other with him when i met him first time formally, taken by my elder sister), i have tried many time to tear them or burn them but my hands shivers and i am not able to anything about them. (He too have my photograph solo). i thought to send it back to him as well but i afraid of consequences.
6. what to do with things which are too expensive like Rolex watch or dresses /jewelry(for example bangles) which are of my size and wont fit to an average person. such things cannot be donated. i thought to give the watch to my niece but then i will get to see it and it would remind me of him.i live in metro city and i cannot ask my family/office people to help me as it will raise doubtful questions in their mind.
7. sometimes, i am getting this thought that i should also become heartless like him and either should just back money and docs to him or just donate everything. but i know even if i do it, later i would feel guilty.i am annoyed with myself why i am still trying not to hurt him or why i still have a soft corner for him. I also have this thought that i had told him that i would try to improve myself and if i fail, i would go away from his life. then he should not think that i went away for this reason. i feel like to tell him that i am no longer coming back to him either in harsh way or a victim. sometimes i feel no formal annoucement is best but sometimes i feel it should be done. why i am getting all such thoughts , i dont know.
i also have this thought that if i choose to donate his money and even if i did, he would think there i kept it all with me or would be using it for my pleasure.
i am sorry for troubling you with all this, but i dont anyone to ask about it, so i depend on your guidance.
Salaam sister.I don't have any knowledge of financial/banking matters at all, not even the basics because always my dad takes care of these things for me, so I am unsure of what to advise you practically regarding these matters.But one thing I can clearly discern from your posts sis, you have a very,very sweet, caring personality but also a very,very submissive and yielding personality which can harm you a lot if you don't watch out as other people tend to walk all over you.Dearest sis, you MUST try to overcome your soft corner for this guy, who used you without any due regard for your feelings.He decieved you into believing he was ,what he was not.That should make you aware that maybe you don't know him as well as you thought you did.IT SHOULD NOT MATTER TO YOU IF DOING SOMETHING PAINS HIM OR NOT, ESPECIALLY IF YOU FEEL IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.and what I don't get is, why would it make him angry, if he is getting a load ful of cash back?Maybe, just maybe he even wants it back, but doesnt want to ask for it?And his mother told him that when you two were in a relationship, right?how do you know it would pain her now, now that that friendship/relationship is over?Sis if I were you, what I would do would be to sell the car and yes pay for the other half out of my pocket, keep that money, and all the other money he gave you,in a seperate account maybe along with ALL the documents and gifts seperately somewhere, (I don't know if you have a seperate cupboard drawer whose lock and key you possess or if you have any safe place at home like that) so that you may not see those things again and again.But yes I would keep all that stuff safe and intact, in the event he ever asks for it back, (and I am not at all reassured that he won't) in which event I would quietly return everything asap so he could never have a chance to contact me again.And sis, please burn both his photographs AT ONCE.DO IT AT ONCE, and try not to think about it while doing it.think of it as burning your bridges to the past.THIS PERSON IS BAD.HE IS EVIL.HE MANIPULATED YOU.DO NOT LET MEMORIES OF GOOD TIMES LET YOU FORGET THESE FACTS, OR ELSE YOU WILL BE VICTIMIZED BY YOUR PAST YOUR WHOLE LIFE!!I am feeling so bad to hurt my sweetest sis like this but I just have to say all these things, because I don't want him to come back and try and exploit your soft corner!!!(Insha'Allah he won't but JUST in case he does, I want you to be mentally strong enough to deal with him in a dignified and brisk manner).And sis please don't feel low.This is just Shaitan at work, putting waswasa in you.Just increase your thoughts towards remembrance of Allah and seek refuge with Him.You are always in my prayers my dearest sis.And I hope Sr Sumaira or someone else can advise you better regarding the financial aspects of your problem.
This is just by the way, sis.I had been wanting to tell you this for the past 2-3 days.I was reading the translation of Surah Al Asr
In The Name of Allah, The Beneficient, The Merciful,
1. By the essence of all time.
2. Verily, all humankind is in deep loss.
3. Except those who believed (in the oneness of Allah) and performed good work and reminded each other of the truth and reminded each other to be patient.
The last ayat instantly reminded me of you, and all the good advice you are giving and helping people on this site.How could such a person be anything but special?
I agree! ; ))
Sister,
I admire you for being so desperate not to hurt others and do everything for the best interest of others before yourself. You always endeavour to do the right thing by others. Your just so full of compassion.
But at the moment you are making things more complicated by stressing about this. The money matters between you seem to be like ones of married people. But they are messy at the moment. You need to simply things.
Before you sort out things you need to bear in mind as sister anxious sole explained that you have to do what is right by Islam and you. What the guy and his family think or feel is irrelevant. hat is not your concern! You are not in a relationship with him. He is a stranger to you. It is better for your well being to cut all ties with him that means money and any material stuff.
Sister Anxious soul has given good advise. But I have a different approach. I think you should get rid of anything to do with him ASAP this will make you feel better and heal faster. Write down everythiing you remember that he has given you, money, bonds, car bangles etc etc. Write him a big fat cheque with that amount. If the fixed deposit or the bonds he has given you are in your name then tranfer it to his name if this is possible, Transfer the amount you remeber. Or if this doesn't work then keep the bonds or deposits and write him a cheque from your account for this money. With the car just sell it and buy another one for the same price so then your dad will not pester you about it, and the new car will not remind you of him. Just right him out a cheque for the market value you sell it for. It doesn't matter if you are not good at selling or buying. Your objective is to get rid of "his" stuff. Just give him the going price he knows the car price would have deterioted and he also had use out of it too so it really doesn't matter. You do not have to pay him back to the penny! And he has not even asked for the money back!
Sell the other jewellery, gifts on auction or ebay. Also the phones on contract, contact the service provider and ask them to change the owner to the guy so that you have nothing to do with it. Make a list of everything you sold and how much you got for it then write one big fat cheque to him and include a brief letter stating that you want to give back his money and gifts. And telling him to bank the cheque. Tell him that you do not want to contact him ever again and do not want anything back from him. Then leave it at that. If he tries to contact you then don't speak to him get a friend or sister to speak to him and reiterate that you do not wish to have anything to do with him. Also send all his documents, paperwork back to him by post recorded so that it doesn't get lost. Then you will be free because you have given back all his stuff.
I think if you keep hold of it in another account it will always remind you of him and you will think that someday he will come back for it etc etc.
I donated my husbands stuff to charity because I cant get hold of him and he didn't ask for it back! So I don't want his stuff in my face constantly reminding me of him!
So get rid of everything about him ASAP.
Sister Repenter Muslima,
I understand you are destressed about your oath that you took before
I found the following regarding expiation of broken oaths on Qibla.com;
Paying Kaffarah on Breaking an Oath
1. If a person breaks his oath, he will have to pay a kaffarah which comprises feeding 10 persons with two meals each. Alternatively, he could give dry groceries to each poor person. When giving wheat, he should give approximately one and half to two kilos. When giving barley, he should give approximately three to four kilos. For the rest of the details connected to feeding the poor refer to the chapter on kaffarah for fasting. This has been mentioned previously.
Alternatively, he could give some clothing to 10 poor persons. The clothing must be such that it can cover a major portion of the poor person's body. For example, if he gives a sheet or a longkurta, the kaffarah will be fulfilled. However, this clothing that he gives should not be very old. If each poor person is given a lungi or a pants, the kaffarah will not be fulfilled. But if he gives a kurtah with it as well, the kaffarah will be fulfilled.
A person has the choice of either giving food or clothing. The kaffarah will be fulfilled with any one of the two. The above-mentioned rule regarding clothing is only applicable if the clothing is given to a man. If clothing is given to a poor woman, it must be such that her entire body is covered and she is able to offer salaat with that clothing. If the clothing is less than this, the kaffarah will not be fulfilled.
2. If a person is poor and is therefore unable to feed or clothe 10 poor people, he will have to fast for three days consecutively. If he does not fast consecutively for three days, and instead misses a fast or two in between, the kaffarah will not be fulfilled. If a person fasts for two days, and misses a fast on the third day for some reason or the other, he will have to recommence fasting. The first two fasts will not be considered.
3. Prior to breaking his oath, a person gave the kaffarah. After giving the kaffarah, he broke his oath. The kaffarah which he had given will not be valid. After breaking his oath, he will have to give kaffarah again. Whatever he had given to the poor persons prior to breaking his oath cannot be taken back from them.
I think If you are so distressed then you should just pay kaffara by feeding ten poor people through a muslim charity. Pray to Allah to accept that you are giving kaffarah for you broken oath if this was valid, If this oath was not valid then you are giving it as sadaqah. So either way you have gained! Then you can stop thinking about it and continue with your future. : ))
Dear Sister Sumaira and Sister Anxious Soul
Jazakallahu khairan both of you for your kind response.
Insha-allah I will be feeding ten poor people to pay Kaffara for sake of mental peace.
About his things, I know I am torn between my heart and mind. But you guys have rightly said I should do things in light of Islam, not just by what I think or feel. No doubt, I find myself connected to him in some ways as it all reminds me of him. Keeping his stuff somewhere locked , it will not just remind me of him but I will never be able to get rid of them in my life. So I have decided as follows-
1. Docs- I will collect them all (Soft/hard copies) at one place to hand over to him.
2. Fixed Deposits - I will take out cash from bank by withdrawing the Fixed Deposits. I remember 1.5 so I will take out the same amount + whatever interest I will get on the same(will go to him).
3. Car- I will be selling off the car and whatever amount I will get, I will add that cash to the above amount. But I find it better not to inform him that I have sold off the car. Whether I tell him or not, it doesn’t matter. Am I right?
4. Note-I will do send a note to him (not handwritten) to inform him about returning of the things. I won’t get harsh nor emotional in that -just plain words to let him about money & his things. To be frank, I somewhere within have this motive too 1. To ask for his forgiveness LAST time over what he held me responsible for (his skin disease) 2. I want him to know that I am not going to return to him (without disclosing reasons)
5. Payment mode-I can’t give him cheque for two reasons 1. I don’t have his solo bank account details with me. I only know one account he has jointly with his sister. So he will get into tax troubles (I might also get affected due to it from tax authority) & I don’t want to let his sister know that we are no longer together 2. I don’t think he would bank the cheque for clearance(he would tear it right away). So the entire thing will remain same & with me. And I don’t want that to happen. So I find giving cash once for all is best. And as I cant send cash through courier so I will have to send it through my office boy in a sealed packet (cash + his docs)
6. I am NOT into online things as such, further I don’t have bills of the gifts (like watch/jewellery etc) so I don’t think I can sell them off anywhere(can I ??) but still I would try to sell them off locally. I would sum up whatever money I will get from selling and will use that money in charity ‘on his behalf/on his name (Within my heart) as I don’t want to have its credit. Whatever that I could not sell , I will try looking for needy people and would donate to them.
I have very little savings ( as I used to spend more on my family especially on my niece/nephews) and as I am not a career oriented person (When I tried to take up new job, I had to work like slave or met immoral people as boss/colleagues) and my current job may pay less but I have comfortable working atmosphere, I have my own cabin, I don’t need to interact with non mehram as such, I am allowed to offer my saleh and fasts here, its nearby my house, comfortable work timings (not late sitting), a good boss (major reason).
My ex used to shop for me/with me, I used to wear what he liked (from colour to fabric to style (thankfully nothing non Islamic as such in general) be it clothing, footwear, accessories etc. all are either from him or as per his choice so i need to get rid of them as well. I am already in process of changing my wardrobe, my everything to have a NEW ME. I also plan to buy a new car for myself , a new mobile handset too but with little finance, things are not easy for me as such changes costs much but Insha-allah I will be able to meet all my requirements at my own. please do duas for me.
I look forward to you guys for any suggestions or ideas you guys would like to give to me after reading the above so i can take final decision and start to act upon.
May god bless you both my dear sisters.aameen
Dear Sisters,
as-salam-alaikum,
I have withdrawn the fixed deposits today but as selling off car will take time (not sure how much) so i took out the equivalent amount (market value amount i will get from selling) from my savings. I am also in process of collecting his docs at one place.
now i am trying to divert my thinking this way that
1. He does not want me in his life anymore, whatever reasons may be, but you cannot force someone nor you can impose yourself on the other person. If we would have continued, the relationship would have been same after 10 or 20 years with no definite future. i could not become what he had wanted, he could not become what i had wanted. so the pain will not end unless and until you accept the decision/reality.
2. May he was a good man but in light of Islam, he was 'haram', this relationship was 'haram'. He was not Muslim, so it doesn't matter to him but I as a Muslim, this means a lot. Love cannot be above God. May i am not able to accept it wholeheartedly right now but its an eternal fact. i will have to , sooner the better.
Insha-allah i will be sending the stuff + money to him tomorrow. Just wish me good luck. i want to end this peacefully.
If you sisters have to advise anything to me, please do let me know, i await your valuable response.
Dear Sister Sumaira,
As part of my process of having a NEW me. I have taken up this new name- Ray of Hope.
Insha-allah i will be a better person as Muslim as an individual.
Be in touch.
Allah hafiz
Salam Ray of hope,
That is really good to hear sister! Mashallah you are already a good muslimah.
It is really good that you have started getting rid of the past physically and emotionally! You are definitely winning in every way.
I think you are doing the right thing with all his stuff and the money. Just give it all back to him. You need to be official in your note to him. You do not need to specify exactly what the money was from, but just that you are returning all of his money.
You can state on the note something like:
"TO (Name of guy)
As this relationship has ended I am returning all your monetary and physical possessions back to you in a monetary form. According to my religious and moral believes I have to return this money back to you. Please do not return it back to me or attempt to make any direct or indirect contact with me."
Signed (Your name)
After this if he tries to contact you do not answer or reply or get your friend or sister to talk on your behalf and explain everything on the note again. And firmly tell him not to contact you again.
hope everything goes well.
I know you said you were in pain getting rid of his stuff. But sister that s normal with any breakup. You have to go through this pain in order to experience peace later on. Trust me few months down the line you will feel million times better! This pain is giving your heart confirmation that its over, let go of him. When you are disposing his things you are throwing him out of your life for good! Out with the rubbish! and in with the NEW " RAY OF HOPE"
You are lucky sister you can completely get rid of all his pictures and stuff. I had to keep some of my ex husbands pictures because the kids may want to see it. I still kept my wedding album because they were good memories that I will cherish for ever. I do not feel as much pain as before now when I look at them because I know that I do not love him any more, so I do not feel anything for him so its much easier.
But I will still have to be indirectly connected to him because he is the father of my kids. I can never completely get rid of him! ; ( . Allah help me when he wants to visit the kids!.
I am happy to hear that you are feeling much better and your outloook on life is so much brighter now.
Love and kisses
Sumaira
Dear Sisters,
The editor has accused me of hijacking other people's posts with my questions and I am being warned to get banned!!!! I am new to this site and I wasn't aware that asking randamonly can mean hijacking. when I happened to see some people asking randamonly on other’s post and they got replies as well, that’s what made me to to get guidance being in dire need as waiting is too long. I am sorry to you if i have done some wrong.
As self punishment, i have deleted my posts in wait. And I conclude thanking both of you for helping me out. Jazakallahu Khairan. May(Allah) swt bless you both. Ameen. Sister Sumaira, you have been really gone through a lot and still going but I feel that circumstances have made you stronger, wiser and more patient.
Take care of your kids, may you all get best in life. Ameen.
Salaam sis.its understandable that you weren't aware of this and I did not feel that you 'hijacked' my post at all, as I had already gotten the advice I was looking for before you posted your question (much of which was yours and I was happy to respond to your question in return), and I'm sure that Sr Sumaira feels the same.But why did you delete your posts as 'self punishment'?Sis, forgive me but you must stop being so hyper sensitive all the time!Its really sweet that you try so much to be considerate of other people's feelings and try and correct yourself as much as possible, but sis, too much excess of anything is not a good thing.I feel that you have a tendency to jump to extremes, which will be harmful to no one to yourself, as you are just mentally torturing yourself for no good reason and people will perceive this as a weakness and see you as an easy target to take advantage of in any way.And Islam itself recommends moderation in every thing.Sis, 'self punishing' yourself for some slight misunderstanding such as this is a useless reaction and will achieve nothing.For your own sake, don't do that to your self!
As-salam-alaikum dear Sister Sumaira,
I happened to read this article and it reminds me of you as well (of course my sister too)
single mums are the unsung heroes who work so hard to keep their families going, against the odds, every single day.
May Allah(swt) always keep you and my sister in his protection and guidance. aameen.
BEING A MUSLIM SINGLE MUM- Raidah Shah Idil
Many of my friends are single mums. In fact, I have more single mothers as close friends than I do married women like myself. I think this has a lot to do with my mother. My mother is the strongest woman I know, and she’s a single mother. It must be an energy thing - like attracts like. After 30 years of a difficult (understatement) marriage, she called it quits, and her decision left an indelible mark on me. I witnessed, first-hand, how a mother can keep her kids afloat through the most turbulent of storms, and still come out smiling. With kids intact. I asked her how she raised six children and her reply was, “I don’t remember!” Ah, the gift of selective memory.
I am bewildered and incensed by my friends’ ex-husbands who don’t pay child support, are not involved in their children’s lives, or are pretty bad examples when they are involved. I’ve seen the worst of what marriage can offer, and that makes me appreciate the good side. Every marriage has its ups and downs, but after hearing about what my friends have been through, and continue to go through - it could always be worse.
I can speak about being a friend of many Muslim single mums. Divorce is still stigmatised in the Muslim community. Divorce happens, and it’s permitted in Islam - in cases of abuse, it’s outright obligatory to get yourself out of harm’s way - but cultural hang-ups make everything messier. A close friend of mine recently got divorced - good riddance to bad rubbish, I say -- and she was surprised to see that a lot of happily married Muslims have had their own divorce or two, before finding ‘the one’. I call it a learning experience in a community that does’t encourage pre-marital relationships. But once kids are in the mix, it’s a lot harder to bounce back.
Battena Shafei is a very brave single mum. Battena and her lovable daughter, Haleema, feature in “Life At Seven”, the ABC program. It takes courage for Battena to publicly talk about what it’s like raising Haleema on her own, when parts of the Muslim community struggle with admitting that yes, divorce happens to us too. She’s been brave enough to tell her story, and that of her daughter, on national TV. I see in her yet another example of a strong woman doing everything she can to raise her daughter, despite the obstacles she faces.
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Another one of my close friends is a working professional with four small children. Every single day, she juggles her demanding work schedule while figuring out child-care for her children. She didn’t ask to be a single mum. Her ex-husband just packed up and left. So now she’s left picking up the pieces of her life, and although it’s a far better one without him, it’s still hard. For instance, a sudden decision by her babysitter to quit her job threw a spanner in the works, and she was left floundering for days, scrambling to find help. That one incident goes to show how her balancing act of juggling work and children is so easily thrown out of whack. To add insult to injury, her ex-husband has remarried and has just had another child - and no, he’s not paying regular support for his existing children. Every dollar she earns goes to feeding herself and her children. The man who directly contributed to the existence of her children is, on the other hand, not really giving her all that much. If you’re not paying child support for your own kids, then don’t make any more. Surely this isn’t rocket science?
There’s a particular sub-section of the population of Muslim single mums who have it really tough - the converts to Islam. These are the single mothers who often don’t have easy access to their families of origin, for different reasons. Some of their parents live overseas, while others weren’t really that happy about their conversion and keep their distance. These single mums don’t have the option for grandma to bundle the kids into the car and drive them far, far away, so she can get her sanity back. Grandma isn’t around, or isn’t interested. For the grandmas who do care enough to be involved and help their daughters raise their kids - kudos to you! It takes a village to raise a child. It probably takes several villages to raise more than one.
If you’re a friend to a single mum, then keep being her friend. It’s a long and lonely road sometimes, knowing that you’re raising your child, or your children, alone. Some days feel impossible, and other days are easier. But it’s never a walk in the park. Even the thought of remarriage isn’t something that’s on the table. It’s not as simple for single mums to remarry, compared to the average single or divorced person.
“Kids change everything,” Leila* told me. “Companionship would be nice, and I miss that, but I have to think about my children first. Whoever I marry has to be extraordinary enough to love my kids like his own. That’s a hard ask.” Does he exist? I sure hope so. But if he doesn’t, then my friend is happy living her life raising her kids on her own. It’s not an easy path, but it’s hers, and I applaud her for her courage to keep striving forward.
I don’t know what it’s like to be a mum. But it must take an extraordinary amount of courage to wake up every morning and be responsible for these small life-forms that soon grow up and make their own way in the world. From my experience, I can think of a few practical things you can do to help your friends who are single mums:
1) Call her to see how she’s doing.
2) Message her to let her know that you’re thinking of her.
3) Visit her to show her that you care.
4) Ask if she needs help with her kids, even if it’s for an hour so she can leave the house.
5) When you visit, bring some food - it gives her one less thing to worry about.
6) Encourage your husband, father or brother to be mentors or role models for these kids who don’t have a father in their lives.
7) Help out with the endless handyman stuff, and ask the men in your life to help out too.
8) Give small gifts to your friend (massage vouchers) and her kids.
Because single mums are the unsung heroes who work so hard to keep their families going, against the odds, every single day.
* name has been changed
Thank you sister for this enlightening article. It really brought tears to my eyes. It is so true what the sister is saying about not trusting anyone and having trouble juggling everything and the insecurities of all single women are the same. I can completely relate to all these stories.
It has really empowered me to keep striving for my kids, and to make them the best I can. And it is good to know that I am appreciated by other women for my efforts.
Thank you so much for that piece and hope it helps your sister too! : )
Also why did you take your post off?? Silly girl why are you taking everything to heart so much? I agree with anxious soul, you are very sensitive and this can be self destructive at times. You need to be more emotionally strong and not take criticisms so personally. You should repost and include current problems so you can get more better advice from others, and maybe even from people who have been in similar situations.
Take care sister xxx
“Aaj Khuda ki hum par ho Meharbani,
Karde maf hum logo ki sari Nafarmani,
Eid K din aj aao mil k karain yeh hi wada,
Khuda ki hi rahon main hum chalain gay sada.
Sare Musalmanon ko “EID UL ADHA MUBARAK.”
Dear Sister,
On the holy & pious occasion of Eid-ul-Adha may the blessings of Allah (swt) upon you & your family throughout the life with happiness & open all the doors of success & happiness for you. Aameen
Your Sister
Eid Mubarak to you and your family sister! I hope you had a great day and enjoyed yourself. Thank you so much for your prayers and thinking of me on this joyous day. I really appreciate it. You really are a ray of light and hope.
Keep smiling. : )
Love sis Sumaira
Dear Sister As-salam-alaikum
you know its like i have a sister somewhere in this world whom may i have not seen or met but who guided me and was there for me when i needed someone most. i dont need to post my questions anymore as i have already got best advice from you and littler sister Anxious soul. My post would have taken two months to get published and when i am already overcoming past , then i would have again felt disturbed seeing my post which would remind me of my past and i dont want to think of my past again after two months or so. people would advice the same as both of you have. hope you understand what i meant. i already knew the answers but had wanted someone to tell me the same. But i must say that your words have really worked like magic for me. i often remember you and do duas for you.
a poem for you - Single Mother by -Kayotic Konfessions
Never wanted to do it alone,
Raise a child on my own,
One sided without assistance,
Always believed two parents were needed
For a child to go the distance
Fought to keep that dream alive,
Battled my own insecurities inside
Took a long time to realize
I would only fail if I didn’t try,
So I took a new approach
I needed to change how I felt,
For the sake of my child’s happiness
It was time to do it by myself
Had to let go of hopeful wishing,
Had to make some harsh decisions,
No longer waiting on another’s efforts,
Had to stop lingering for the better
Assuming one day the other party would get it,
Stressing because that person don’t listen,
Taking away from all I could give
Had to grow up, and let go
So that we could comfortably live
No more bread crumbs,
And dropping hints,
No more directions to follow and pointless fits
No more tears shed because of events missed
Because when I only focus on us,
It is just pure happiness
I know what I can do,
It is now clear to me,
No longer do I look for support
To come to me,
I have everything inside that my child will ever need,
No end to how far I’ll go,
For I am willing to take the lead
Never wanted to be a parent,
I seen the responsibilities coming,
It is a shame that both parents
Couldn’t hit the ground running,
But I am happy with my decision,
Wouldn’t change anything,
Couldn’t imagine my life now,
Without my bundle of joy breathing
I’ve also learned not to blame,
Not to even whisper ones name,
No need to bad mouth the other,
I am grateful we were lovers,
For I got the greatest gift,
And it is all Mines,
I have the biggest role,
And that is just fine,
For the love I have is stronger than any other,
So when it all is said and done…
I am a PROUD single mother!