Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Family against a interracial marriage

Islam strictly prohibits Racism on any basis

Asalamualikum, So like many others my question is the same. But it has a lot more to it, I read at zawaj on what to do when parents dont agree for marriage to un Islamic reasons. And did things accordingly. However my part of the story goes like this

I am a 23 year old, majoring in engineering. Migrated to States in my early teen. I have a very traditional family with lots of culture engraved and fear of the One and only. As I was growing up my father wanted his children to hold on to islam and be firm on it Alhumdulil Allah. And advice on us to watch and listen to lectures by scholars, as he did and does too. So by that the faith is in tact and very close to my heart, to your surprise Allah swt made me a way for someones guidance and that girl has been a muslim for a year and a half now. Gave her the shadah infront of the my mother the imam and a few others in the masjid. During this time I was in college coming close to finish up the semester, I met a man of age 29, he exceled in the major I am doing but we never spoke, because I usually asked questions to the person infront of me. That person was absent that day and I had to ask the other guy aged 29, we exchanged numbers and I asked questions that I had and he asked me questions about my belief. He being white, did not really know of islam or muslims. So I guess he wanted to know more and we helped out each other. I had told everyone at home about him they were ok with it and my brother became friends, started to hangout, to go to masjid and soon after the girl had came to islam he did too. But before that he asked my brother "would some parents take my reversion of hypocrisy if i want to marry that gril" and my brother answered in positive. A few days later I told my parents he had wanted to marry me and that I was interested too. My mother told me she would talk to my dad and see what he has to say on this. So I waited and the next day my father said he was too old for me. I was a bit surprised and I knew right away its not a valid reason because my parents it self have a gap of 5 or 6yrs. Then my mother said quit talking to him, thats when I did not listen to him and kept talking. My mother had stopped my brother to be friends with him, bear in mind he is a new muslim maybe 15 days old. So, I felt and had questions that is this the right way, is this the way to welcome a new muslim, and a lot more. So, I dint speak up for a next 6 months learnt more about how things work, where do parents see this from, I am well aware of their choices and wishes and the dreams they have and I am fearless to say that never in my life I have went against their wishes or been disobedient. For family I have been this "role model" I am the one the aunts and uncle give examples of, although this speaking up of me to marry the person who has reverted who has kept imam on his side for guidance to convince my parents has been a great loss. 6 months later I spoke to my parents on this again, but this time to my father on direct terms, I sat them down and told I wanted to marry this person. Thats where relation between me and my mother changed, she said "this is going to make you loose respect in my eyes, your fathers eyes and everyone else that loves you". I spoke to my abu because my mother was not thinking clearly, and my father said I dont know if he has a family or not I dont know anything of this guy. I asked my father to meet him to sit and talk (my father had already met him a couple of times they went and slaughtered a goat together and also met in masjid a couple of times) my mother objected to the meeting. Fast forward I sat them down again and spoke to them, this time I had the worst of it all, she took ny phone away she went through every single message with one of my friend that had been advising me and read the old messages of me and the man. (We had stopped talking in may 2017 and I kept trying on my side in ramadan) She became a little bit abusive, oppression came in picture, insulting happened, she said discriminating slurs towards me. On the other side my father dint say a word hence asked me if I really want this he asked me several times and I kept saying yes. He was a bit upset but he knew I had my heart in it but my mother snd brother intervened and advised him to send me back to india, my mother wanted him to marry me off to anyone and get rid of the responsibility. My brother who hung out with him told me "skin color, I want someone of your skin color", since then my brother and mother are very negative toward everyone every where they go, they pass racial comments and say negative about everything almost make fun, taunt. I knew my mother was a bit witty but I had never seen this side of her, yeah she did have past of indulging in arguments and all with relatives and not saying sorry is her persona. But she would do worst to me I never imagined. My father is really soft, forgave me told me he would becon my side, and all asked me to let go of my motgefs behavior. However, it hurts when I get reminded of the things she had spoken to me about. The man I want to marry has recently done his first umrah, he has learnt a lot in a year and more.

I know for my parents the chapter is closed in August 2017. But for me the istekharas and dua to Allah swt has kept me going, yes I spoke to a man and I desire to marry him and none other, my iman has become stronger, I wear abaya and not only hijab now (which my mother objects to). I dont wear the little make as I use to, I mean a lot have changed. I tried involving my uncle into this and asked him to help me out and he tried he met the guy spoke to him told me he respects my choice and is willing to talk to my parents and tried to but my father stopped him from getting into this and told i am not into this anymore. I told my grandma about it and she said our society is not advanced and would not appreicate it. And that I will be responsible. Its a lot, a lot more to the story.

I really want to marry him, I have never thought of a guy in life ever spoken to one in any haram manner but this person is very near to me now. And Allah swt knows whats in his and my heart. I just want to know are my parents right? Do they not see my happiness, do they not see my honesty, do they not reflect on my doings all the yesrs, do they not see my upbringing and not trust themselves, do they fear people more than Allah, do they have to make this complicated, do they not want ummah in states to expand, do they not want a pious child and only that one that becomes an engineer for the world. I have a lot of questions in my mind I have researched a lot. And i feel I am being oppressed by my mother. My brother is younger than me but he speaks louder in tone and says he will feed me to dogs. I am just the type of girl that dont respond anymore. Only my father is good to me. But I want to try once more to talk to him. However I fear worst.

Duas and adivse will highly be appreciated.

Jazakallah Khair.

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3 Responses »

  1. sister, did u tried istikhara for that or not?

  2. Salam,

    Is this still an issue for you?

  3. Assalaamualaikum

    Racism has no place in Islam - it's wrong for anyone to discriminate against another person based on the colour of their skin.

    If that is the only grounds for your family rejecting this man, then I'd suggest speaking with your father again, possibly having prepared evidence to support your argument - maybe some hadith, some evidence that this man is of good character and strong faith, etc.

    If your family still reject him, then you could try involving an imam or another respected elder from your community. They might be able to mediate and help your family see that the colour of a person's skin doesn't matter.

    But if those don't work, then you may have to choose - do you marry this man regardless and risk losing your family, or do you follow your family's wishes and lose him instead? Nobody can tell you what to choose, but remember that this is your life - not this man's, not your brother's, not your parents... At the end of the day, it is you who have to be able to live with this, so it's ok to prioritise yourself so long as you are treating people respectfully and within Islamic limits.

    Before making any big decisions, pray istikhara and ask for Allah's guidance.

    Midnightmoon editor

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