Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Financial and cultural problems are destroying my marriage

Hijabi woman with veil drawn over her face

As-salamu alaykum,

I need to solve some issues in my marriage, and your help will be greatly and greatly appreciated.

I feel very guilty in front of Allah (swt) for being so selfish. I feel so sad and angry inside of me, and these feelings are destroying my marriage and my life.

I grew up in Europe. I have been a revert to Islam for three years. Shortly after my reversion I got married with the Arab man who grew up in the Middle East. I have known my husband before the marriage and was fully aware of his first wife, four children and a 15 year age difference between us. I agreed to marry him in spite of these challenges. We believed that Islam will cover all the differences between us such as age, traditions, culture, goals, and etc.

I have never known that cultural differences, polygamy, and especially financial difficulties could bring so much problems into the family life.

As I mentioned before he has another wife whom he has been married for many years and has children with her. And also he has old parents whom he loves dearly. He provides everything for his first wife, children, and parents (clothe, food, gifts, and money). His first wife does not work and takes care of kids. And I am sincerely happy for them. There is no jealousy or envy in my heart. I love his first wife and her beautiful children, and sometimes do dua for them.

Financial Difficulties:

After our marriage we moved to a small apartment. I had to pay for everything (rent, sec.deposit, bills, and etc) after I found out that he owed a lot of money, was unemployed, and had nothing. He was ashamed and told me that he would take care of me when he would find a job. I was absolutely fine, but later our financial difficulties turned into horrible years of my life.

I had to work as a waitress in junky restaurants for about two years. He was working too but whatever he made was only good enough for his family and half of the bills.

He promised me to repay for everything I spent for him, but when I asked money to repay my bank loans and he got very mad. Later I couldn't hold the financial burden, so I started complaining. He disrespected me by throwing money at my face, yelling, calling me nasty words, and telling me to pick up the money off the floor.

Differences in Culture or Mentality:

When I mentioned my husband his religious obligations, he accused me in being a bad wife that I didn't cook for him and did his laundry every week. Honestly, I do cook but not every day and do his laundry when he has nothing to wear. He doesn't want to listen when I try to explain that I am not able to cook every single day and do laundry every week because I have to work up to 12 hours/day and I am simply TIRED. But still I do ALL household responsibilities.

He hated his job, came home angry, and got nervous for every little thing. He started hitting me non Islamic way. By "non Islamic way" I mean no explanation why and what was the problem, or slapping my face and head, pulling my hair and ect. I was so depressed that I sought a help from the psychologist.

Every time when we get into the argument, he threatens to beat me or calls me very bad words.

We don't go out because he annoyingly keeps mentioning that he will go out if I pay for him or how much money we will have to spend there.

He sends all his money to his family. He gets mad when I plan a budget for the future expenses. He says he doesn't understand why I have to worry about future. He gets upset when I buy something for myself. But if he buys something for me, he keeps mentioning how much money he spent for it. I had never had a wedding nor bridal gift. It hurts me because he is my first husband.

Conclusion:

Right now I am full time student and have two good jobs to cover all my expenses. We have been married for three years and our family condition did not get better. I feel that I do not have love and patience anymore. He says that he loves me. I feel used. He makes money, sends it home, or saves it so he can visit his family in the Middle East. I feel that he is with me for financial and sexual benefits. I am angry and I do not want to continue this type of family life anymore. What should I do? I do not want to get divorced because 1) I am afraid of Allah (swt); I feel like I am demanding something that my husband does not have; 2) My husband says that he loves me and would give me everything in this world if he had a chance; 3) I am the only relative for him in Europe; 4) If he needs any help, I am the only person who can take care of him; 4) My husband is a good person. He doesn't drink, steal, or cheat. He prays and loves Islam.

I am very sorry for the long letter and any grammatical mistakes (I am German and English is my third language).

I hope someone can respond to my letter.

Thank you,
You sister in Islam,
- Amina11

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19 Responses »

  1. Bismillah

    My dearest sister in Islam... there are no words to tell you how much I respect you for your scarifices. I feel your pain more then you know,but hear my words, Islam is a way of life and not excuse to act a fool. Islam permits a man to marry upto four wives, the condition upon him is that he must treat her fairly. It is the ISLAMIC RIGHT for a woman to have her needs met; food, clothes, and shelter to the standard she came from (ie her parents home). It is not upon the wife to work, or pay for thing especially if she is stuck doing jobs (ie waitress) that forces her to interact closely with men. A woman is able to revoke her rights,and if she does it for the sake of Allah subhanhu wa tala InshaAllah she will be rewarded in both worlds.

    However... the man you married is exactly as you perceive him, Allah subhanhu wa tala has made this clear to you. Divorce is not haram, but beating your wife (slapping her etc) is haram. Failing to equally share what he has is also haram, because he is to divide it equally (maybe he doesn't have enough, but that doesn't mean he picks one family over the other).

    1) I am afraid of Allah (swt); I feel like I am demanding something that my husband does not have
    May Allah subhanhu wa tala bless you for your patience.. Ameen. His faults are not in his lack of material wealth his faults are because he chooses to do little , if not nothing for it. He's chasing the dunya and is heavy in debt. He's not living within his means so obviously you face financial problems, nor is he trying to correct it that's why he gets upset with you. Just becuase a wife wants to help does not give anyone with a caring, decent heart the go ahead to abuse (mentally, physically and emotionally) the other person.

    2) My husband says that he loves me and would give me everything in this world if he had a chance;
    Define love! ... Is love the ability to say "I love you" at the drop of a dime? Is it slapping someone in the face because your soul is at unrest for not fulfilling your God given responsiblities? What is love my dear sister.... to me this is not love. This marriage is a convenience, at the expense of you. Ask yourself, how is your relationship in terms of religion? Are you a stronger Muslimah? Does he support you in Islamic causes?

    3) I am the only relative for him in Europe;
    That's exactly why he's with you sweetheart!!

    4) If he needs any help, I am the only person who can take care of him;
    I love your loyalty and care, Masha'Allah. That's nice that you are there for him, but that's also percisely why he's so comfortable doing nothing or very little. Age (and I keep saying), is nothing but a number. A man of that mind state is not looking to mature or grow... he's looking for the easy way out. And Masha'Allah lucky for him he found you.

    4) My husband is a good person. He doesn't drink, steal, or cheat. He prays and loves Islam.
    May Allah subhanhu wa tala reward you for having a good opinion of him..Ameen. Your husband talks a lot. He promises a lot but how much of it has he fulfilled? How much of it is he sincerely trying to fulfil? Do you need a man that's a murder before you see him as bad for you? Is it not enough that he strikes you in what is Islamically unacceptable, he doesn't provide for you, he takes trips "back home". He's using you.....and that's fine if you do it for the sake of Allah subhanhu wa tala... but he's very much using you. If you accept this, then expect this lifestyle. Don't expect him to change. And if you leave him, he'll come back begging for you, he'll make you more promises, he'll confess his love to you. And the cycle continues.

    Be strong sister, and leave this brother to deal with his first family. He is in no position to have two,not physically, and definitely lack the maturity for it. This also I believe is not limited to a culture, it's a state of mind. It's a mentality that invovles only oneself at the expense of everyone else. It's a selfish way of looking at others; mere pawns in the game called life.

    Please make salatul istikhara, and turn to Allah subhanhu wa tala very sincerely. Please do your own research about your rights, responsibilites as a wife and his as a husband. Lastly I leave you to think about this:
    Abdullah ibn ‘Amr (RA) says that Rasulullah (SAW) said: “Four traits whoever possesses them is a hypocrite and whoever possesses some of them has an element of hypocrisy until he leaves it: the one who when he speaks he lies, when he promises he breaks his promise, when he disputes he transgresses and when he makes an agreement he violates it.” (Muslim and Bukhari)

    Signs of a Hypocrite in Islam

    May Allah subhanahu wa tala give you success in everything that you do.. Ameen

    Sincerely
    Your sister in Islam!

  2. Hi, I was in a similar situation. I paid for everything, I spoiled him buying him whatever he wanted, when I bought something for me with my own money, he would complain, but he never complained when I bought for him or his family. I felt totally used and just like you, it seemed he was using me for sex and money as well. He was my husband for 3 years, he never gave me any money or helped me in anyway, and I cooked for him and did his laundry, did everything and beyond. Today, he left a couple months ago, and I'm certain he is already messing around with a non muslim woman, when he complained to me about not being muslim enough. Dont waste your time. He doesnt care about you, he only tells you things to keep you while he needs you. My husband used to tell me the same, if that was him making for money he would care for me, well the only 2 ocassions that he made more money than me and i asked him to help me with the bills, since I was paying for it all, he left.

    You will be happier without him, trust me. I'm left paying for a loan too, I go to school and work full time. Your sacrifice will pay off eventually, but its not worthy to stay with somebody like that, he will ruin your life.

  3. dear siis after reading ur post i really feel sad 4 u but iina alah macal sabrine but I WANNA ASK THIZ QUSTION 2 WOMEN 1ST WHY DO U GET MARRIED 2 SOME1 WHO HAS A LYF ALLREADY ITZ WRONG IF HE SAYZ HE LUVZ I WILL A SURE HE DESNT (JUST USING U OF WAT U HAV MONEY,HOUES BALA BALA
    N THIZ QUSTION 4 MAN WHY DO U PLAY WITH WOMEN HEART N USE HER DONT U FEAR ALAH N DONT U BE SCRED OF ALAH ASKING U THIZ QUSTION IN THE HERE AFTER

    MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN FEAR ALAH N DONT PLAY WITH WOMENZ HEART.

  4. Assalamu aleikum sister Aamina

    I really feel pain for what you are going through, but do not worry this is only world and you will not live eternally here insha Allah...

    I am totally agree with sister Umm Abdullahi.

    What I want to add is that;
    "This religion is for you to make your life here and hereafter EASY not to keep you with a man who is not willing to change, not willing, because he sends all of his money back home and uses your money that is not RIGHT. In Islam you have right to keep all your money and use as you want (to help your husband, to send as charity etc and this all are charity for you), all your things (rent,cloth, bills, and etc) are upon your husband as a wife. If you are happy with your current situation and believe that things will change and your husband will take all his duties that is ok, but if you think you are tired and this guy uses you LEAVE (recommended), then believe in Allah and try to find another pious husband insha Allah"....

    Sincerely your brother in Islam Abdullah

  5. Ameen

    I am really sorry for you Ameen. That why when person does something is very vital to do for the sake of Allah, since person does not know what will happen in the long term, for instance when you raise your child raise him/her only for the sake of Allah...When you do something for the sake of Him you never be lost and you have your reward every time, life and death. Shortly, if you have helped your husband for the sake of Allah and you waited for your reward for every single thing that you paid for your husband from Allah, verily you are the one who gain the upper hand insha Allah. No matter how weak you are today (left loan, used, cheated etc)., if you were sincere in your deed with that cheater and you are Muslim praying to Allah, Allah will never forget you and never leave you in the desert that why He exalted said:

    "......And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out, And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent" 65.2-3.

    We always need Allah and He is our protector, provider, creator and so many. For example here where I am now is very cold about -20 who can take this off than Allah on other hand few months ago it was too hot about +28 where so many aged people have been taken down, so my sister, if you were not religious yesterday and realized now, no problem Allah is always there for believers and non-believers to welcome whoever wants to change their life here and hereafter.....

    Allah says in His final message to mankind:
    "(o Mohammed say to them) So flee to Allah . Indeed, I am to you from Him a clear warner " 51.50

    Sincerely your brother in Islam Abdullah.

    • Abdullah, thanks for your kind words. If it wasnt that I have a good heart, and that I'm kind and fear God, perhaps I would had never allow him take advantage of me for so long. He knew my heart, he knew how kind, and loving I am to everyone, I saw how ungrateful he was with his life and I tried to show him to be thankful to God for whatever you have. He grew up muslim and I was the one teaching him to be an honest muslim. I arranged once for us to do charity work together, just to show him to give just for the love of God, without expecting anything back and not only to do it after or during Ramadan because you have to. I just couldnt understand how he was starving before he came here and he had nothing, but now he has become such an ungrateful person. Specially when he was a muslim all his life. It really breaks my heart how he could be like that, there are some of us that love to help and serve other people, its just our nature, but also there are some other people who love to take advantage and when they find somebody who is honest, caring, loving, instead of thanking Allah for having such a blessing with them, they suck you dry.

      He would throw tantrum in public because I didnt get him what he wanted, like a spoiled kid. I almost felt like I was dealing with a kid instead of an adult. He was my first everything. He was never married before, neither he had kids. So we both experienced marriage life together for the first time. I got involved with the most honest and loving heart and he truly destroyed that in me. Now, I'm afraid to trust anybody, because the man that I loved the most and gave all my heart and everything about me, he took advantage, destroyed me and left.

      I'm taking a day at a time with the help of God.

      • assalamualaikum sis,

        let me know if you have found what things to makes you ease and accept with the betrayal trust being advantages..

        i found myself now became a different person makes a wall in me to not being advantaged again but its eat me inside became hard hearted

        • As salamu alaykum muslimah,

          Sorry for interfering in your conversation, but I had one of the most beautiful experiences in my Life, until now, learning Al-Fatiha, ... put attention in every word you say, think about it, and say it from your Heart anytime you want, you will see how the hardness in your Heart melts, not to mention the salat, knowing that we are going to meet Him everytime we go to pray, I always think about doing salat that He is there in front of me watching, listening, guiding in a silent, loving, compassionate, and respectful way, Allah´s(swt) Unconditional Love is always for us, Alhamdulillah.

          With the prayers, our Hearts soften to a point where we won´t need walls, because the Light of a compassionate Heart is enough to protect ourselves, Alhamdulillah.

          Remember that everytime a tear rolls down your cheek during prayer a bit of hardness is melting in your Heart, insha´Allah.

          May Allah(swt) bring the smile to your Heart and ease your way to soften It, insha´Allah.

          All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

          María

      • Assalamu aleikum sister Ameen....

        I am really sorry sister and really you made me cry, but there is always iron pillar to lean on whenever you face problems like this and that is Allah. Allah sub hana hu wata ala.
        Since there is not way than the one that Allah has shown us, which His Kitab let us take some verses from Koran.

        Allah says: "No disaster strikes except by permission of Allah. And whoever believes in Allah - He will guide his heart. And Allah is Knowing of all things"...surah Taghabun

        Comment: consider this verse sister Allah says "No disaster (heartbreak, desease, unpleasant, poverty, death, whatever you think is difficult) except it happens by permission of Allah (, so my dear sister, when unpleasant happens to us "whatever it is" we better say "Allah wants this and He does what He wants (Allah does to us only what is good for us here or hereafter)..)

        Allah the exalted says in another verse: "Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not"...2..216

        Comment: Whenever I read this verse I really cry and become relaxed. I cant help, because we as human we do not know what is good for us and what is not. For example, did you know when you took this guy, he was good for you, perhaps you did not and may be in the future he is not good for you and Allah made you fall apart, since Allah only knows that and we do not know. So my dear sister do not say "I do not trust anybody". Of course it is very difficult and tough time, but sabr insha Allah....

        Allah exalt says in SABR:
        "And whoever is patient and forgives - indeed, that is of the matters [requiring] determination"..42.43

        Comment: As this life is nothing, but test whenever we confront a depression we should remember that this is only test (Allah looks at us where we flee towards Him or we call for thabur (woe)) and our final goal is near Allah and Jannah insha Allah.

        He exalted says:

        "Do the people think that they will be left to say, "We believe" and they will not be tried?
        But We have certainly tried (tested) those before them, and Allah will surely make evident those who are truthful, and He will surely make evident the liars.

        Or do those who do evil deeds think they can outrun Us? Evil is what they judge.
        Whoever should hope for the meeting with Allah - indeed, the term decreed by Allah is coming. And He is the Hearing, the Knowing.""..29.1-6

        Comment: So my dear sister when we become Muslim and believe in Allah and His religion, we are not left there, we are looked at "is what we say true", of course Allah knows very well is it true or not, but He makes us reliaze that yet we are to deserve Jannah.

        For example you are in the exam and you are told to sit there for five hours otherwise you do not pass your exam, if you become tired and can not sit there and leave, do you hope to pass exam, perhaps not, it is the same. Allah makes us reliaze that we should be
        patient....remember Allah does not burden us with something which we do not carry. For example, if someone is blind He makes for him someone to help...

        Do not worry sister I am also in the same situation with you I was about 19y (2009) when I got married to a sister who was 7y older than me and she was devorcee with a child then it was only two months when she became pregnant and asked me for devorce I really got up set, but I did not as she was pregnant..

        Alhamdulillah I asked Allah to guide me, she forced me to move out of her house and after seven months she called me back I stayed with her until she gave birth (Alhamdulillah healthy, lovely daughter masha Allah, whom I love very much), then she constantly asked me to devorce her without any reason except I am younger than her, whatever it was I have devorced her that is all.

        Now the atmosphere is very calm and there is not any tense. She is very nice person for me and helps me and I help her under Islamic rule. First I thought this devorce was bad for me and made me angry for every woman, sometimes I have told myself that there is no need to get married as all women are like this, until now I am not sure about my future of marriage, because I hate devorce and I love children very much. As my ex-wife is nice (talks to me correctly) for me now than when we were married I think this devorce was good for me although I do not live with my child.

        I hope you understand my English as it is not my native language nor I live where it is spoken.

        Sincerely your brother in Islam Abdullah.

        • Abdullahi,

          I'm sorry for your situation, people shouldnt take marriage like it is nothing. Specially when there are kids involved. You are still young and God will provide you with a better wife that you deserve. Sometimes we dont understand with the pain it causes but for example, whenever I think of all the things he did and the way he was, I realize I was too much woman for him. He cant handle a nice clean good hearted woman with no drama. Of course we are hurting now, but the time will come when we look back and understand why it was necessary to happen.

          God bless you all for sharing your stories and the advices as well. Sometimes it only takes to talk about it and understand you are not alone in this. Some other people have similar experiences and its not the end of your life. Its only a tumble in our journey.

          • Ameen.

            Jazakallahu kheiran for comments my dear sister, may Allah subhanahu wata ala accept our good deeds and forgive our shortcomings. Thank you for sharing your story and may Allah make easy for you your time and grant you pious spouse insha Allah.

            Wajakallahu kheiran.
            All my unconditional love and respect.

            Abdullahi

  6. Assalam alaikum Amina11

    Get rid of this man insha allah you will get a better life. I will always pray for you.

  7. As salamu alaykum Amina,

    If you alloud me a man that beats a woman cannot be called a good man, he doesn´t respect you and I cannot see a bit of love involved in this relationship anywhere. A person must show his words are real through their acts, his acts talk by themselves.

    As some of the other readers said you are being used, literally, you deserve better than that. Take advantage that you are studying and you have a good job and do your own life, this man is not giving you anything more than suffering and the word Husband is too big for him.

    You are not a better person for tolerating abusive behaviour, that is not normal, that is not healthy, that is not respect, that is not love, ... the minimun to get in a relationship is respect, support and love, you lack of all of that in this relationship.

    Thank you for sharing.

    All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

    María

  8. Salaams,

    We should all be very careful about giving advice to stay in a relationship or leave it based on a snippet of information representing the whole of a relationship. We all know how complex relationships can be, especially marriage...not to mention the polygamous marriages even more so.

    I have read a lot of feedback for posts about relationships and marriages, and determinations are made on whether things are "equal" or "fair". Every person in a relationship has to weigh the pursuit of "fairness" which is rooted in shariah, against the charity/barakah aspects of enduring "unfair" situations.

    While reading this post, I thought about the Prophet (saws), and how he was treated by so many "followers" during his own time. He was treated unfairly, even physically mistreated, yet he was not hard upon others to have his rights respected. And how much does that speak, when his rights were probably more than ours due to him being a Prophet of Allah!

    There will certainly be those in jannah who are surrounded by special rewards because they endured something they didn't have to, according to what their heart guided them to do. And there will be those who have peace in this life because they followed shariah and sought to have others respect their Divinely given rights. Remember that the worst life here in dunya will still be a paradise compared to the lightest of Hell's punishments, so either choice a lady in this situation makes will be win-win for her.

  9. Assalamu'alaikum Sister Amy,

    Thank you for the reminder about the gravity of the situation; you are right it is in no ones position to blantly say yes or no. With all due respect sister,you say "so either choice a lady in this situation makes will be a win-win for her", then if someone suggest divorce or to stay it makes no difference? Why would it be wrong for someone to suggest it if it's a win-win no matter what?....

    When persuing the option of divorce many emotions come out, often frustration, regret and confusion; Am I doing the right thing? Should I be more patient? Maybe it's me? etc. After a while your mental state starts to deteriorate, you are constantly stressed out, concerned for your family, your well being.It's an exhausting experience, all because the one that has rights over you and vice versa is failing in their duty towards you. Marriage is meant to be a comfort, it's meant to be a source of happiness a source of strength to get to the akhira. Though it won't always be that, at least it should have elements of it. When either man or woman is in a relationship where there is chaos such as described above, do you think the whispers of Shaytaan are not even stronger? This sister masha'Allah has clearly stated her desire to not divorce out of fear of her Lord, the thing is.. it is not a sin to be divorced, though many like to suggest how they should solider it out. It's a sin when a person within the marriage trangresses limits, how long do you suppose a woman can live with a man that continues to abuse her mentally and physically ?

    It's very easy for people to say, the Prophet saw did it........so we must try to do that, the Prophet saw granted many people divorce and on the grouds that "I do not like my husband", resentment breeds anger, which invites the Shayateen to call people to fitnah. They become desperate, incomplete, they become distracted, and this is very difficult for the average human to bear with taqwa and strength until death. Not impossible but hard. Nor is it a requirment. Sometimes it takes more patient to be divorced then it does to just stick it out.

    Divorce is always an ugly thing, and it hurts no matter how tired you are of your spouse... you still hurt. But sometimes it's actually the "right" thing to do. At least this man will be loosened of the burden of answering for his second family, and being questioned on the day of Judgement for not fulfilling her God Given rights.

    In the end , one can truly only turn to Allah subhanahu wa tala, ask advice/shura from believers, supplicate and decide knowing the Almighty Hears those that call on Him.

    May Allah subhanhu wa tala Protect us from the evils of ourselves, shaytaan, man and jinn..Ameen

    • Salaams,

      I would like to clarify that I am not supporting the idea that a person should remain married no matter what and bear whatever is going on. Certainly there are situations that clearly merit divorce, and that choosing that option would set the people involved on a better path than trying to continue in marriage. I've read posts on here where clearly staying in the relationship was not the thing to do. However, even though divorce is not haram, it is despised by Allah. It should be used as a last resort, and that's why others should use caution when candidly or carelessly advising in that direction.

      It's easy when we read posts here to think we understand a situation enough to advise whether someone should pursue the option of divorce or not, when in actuality we are only getting a subjective view of something much bigger, and we do not know the rest. After all, a good marriage can be made to look horrible off of a bad day or week the couple is having, just like a sick marriage can be dolled up to look "ideal" by someone who is traumatized or in denial of what's going on. It all depends on the the person wants to look through.

      It's no suprise that non Islamic cultures are striving after dunya, and as a result there is a philosophy that if any thing is the least bit satisfactory to us, we should get rid of it and find something better. I fear that this ideal has creeped into our faith as well, and as a result no matter what kind of harams or problems a relationship is having, couples are being told "divorce is allowed, so get divorced!" Anyone who has been married can attest that there is no perfect situation. Every marriage has a haram in it somewhere, or someone being sinful somehow, or someone being less than respectful about rights. Think about what happens during PMS, or when a man gets fired from a job, or when children are driving everyone in the home crazy! Are we at our bests at those times? No, of course not, and sometimes serious situations cause people to act in ways they might not otherwise, and it may seem like the whole relationship is at stake....and it may very well be! Since WE never know truly where another relationship is at with these things, we should try to offer the best support we can without telling someone directly what they should do with their situation. After all, we will be held accountable for what advice we give, and perhaps even for the outcome of someone we inadvertently advise in a bad direction when the advice is taken by them.

      You asked, how long can someone live with someone who mistreats them (summarized), assuming the answer would be something like, "not very long without damage being done". I can concede that surely there are toxic relationships which take a toll on those involved. However, there are also "toxic" relationships that end up becoming the means by which Allah strengthens us and we learn to have better character and sabr by what we take. I know a sister who was in a bad marriage and divorced, and that was better for her. That same sister remarried a 'worse' person than her first husband, but for whatever reason those challenges made her more pious, and in turn she inspired him to be more pious. Who are we to say what can be the outcome of such complex things? It does make me believe that even though we are familiar with one type of outcome, it does not exclude the other beneficial outcomes.

      One thing I know for sure is that, despite differing views and understandings and even different choices, we should never lose our determination to try to be more like the Prophet saws, in how we respond to all the things we face. As much as we are able to do that...we will truly find success and peace in all endeavors.

      • Assalamu'alaikum Sister Amy,

        Jazaka'Allah Khairan for the clarification, point taken and well said. I totally agree with you, in the end we just don't know, and that's why we must always turn to Allah subhanhu wa tala. If two people sincerely try to reconcile Allah subhanhu wa tala puts loves and mercy between them. But it does take two, and it does take sincerity from both parties. They are realities in life that hurt, and the answer to "how long do you go on", until you feel sure that you have sincerely tried until you have run out of options and see it impacting you in the negative. Some people take advantage of a spouse that's "trying" , and some people rise to the occasion, only Allah subhanhu wa tala Knows, and ONLY He can change their hearts.

        Jazaka'Allah Khairan again for reminder and the clarification.It is definitely a point in our aqidah to remember, and submit. The time to you to remind us of this is very much appreciated 🙂 Thank you 🙂

        Your sister in Islam

  10. As-salamualaikum,
    kinda been in the same boat in the beginning of marriage, and can tell you one thing from experience........I also sacrificed, I loved my husband, I thought of him but not myself, I would try to talk to him ( but you know it doesn't work), I hated even being around a place where people were arguing......but eventually after years of this treatment, I finally started yelling at him, and it felt bad at first. I repented. I hated it. Then it because easier as I lost my belief even in my creator. I lost respect and trust for my husband.
    What I am saying is that you are a human, and there will come a point where you cannot take it anymore, and you might behave in ways that you cannot even imagine right now. Stay firm and not lose patience as you are, because in the end this life is just a test, and this is part of your tests and trials, and Allah knows best. Find a good scholar or muslim counselor, and tell them your situation. Sometimes it just takes a man to remind a man.
    With us, alhamdulillah there have been good people here who have sat down with my husband and talked to him about how to treat his family and their rights.
    You know with the way he is behaving right now, you are not too far off in your conclusions. He seems to be using you. And sometimes these guys change, sometimes they don't. Constantly make dua for him and yourself, seek help from your community resources, start inviting/meeting with good families who treat their wives right but don't say anything, he might just become a better person, who knows? But if after all this, things don't change, then you have your rights and you don't want to live with someone who will ruin you and your kids' imaan or cause confusion about islam.
    May you be rewarded in your patience for watching others being treated better than you. I know the pain of watching another woman being treated better than you, so I can understand.
    You know one thing, sometimes these guys think that she has nobody and nobody knows, so they go on using/mistreating you. I loved my husband, and could never complain about him behind his back, rather I would defend him. There came a point when my imaan was down, when I just wanted to leave him because I couldn't stand it anymore, and I started telling people like my family and even a counselor only once. Trust me, once he finds out that someone knows, he might start feeling ashamed. He might actually understand the problem. Or maybe not. Everyone is different.

  11. i know this seems like it has nothing to do with this, but sometimes if we find something that we can contribute to the community, go to halaqas for sisters, join some efforts like you can cook once in a while for jummuah or anything else in your community, it really helps to relief some of your stress.
    and to the people who run this site, it's a beautiful site mashallah where people come to seek advice.
    i think it would be great without pictures of women, especially the ones without hijab. theres lots of other pictures that can be used if one gets creative.

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