I have in my mind the guy I love and death
Choosing which path to take
asalam alaykum,
I'm 22 I have had a complicated life but I have always thanked Allah (swt) for everything because I have always had it good but that could be because I never let my self complain and looked at the positive side of things my mum not being hear for me or to protect me hurt sometimes but I still stayed strong but now I'm so comfused about making my marriage decision. I loved someone El's but never told him. We were good friends maybe more but we never thoart we want to marry each other, but when I was about to get engaged to someone El's I told him, after I was engaged he told me he loves me too. He wanted me to runaway with him but I said no because I don't want to be selfish leaving my family in pain and I'm happy with you. A nd where are we going to live and on what.
The guy I'm marring is 32 had a past relationship and a kid the 2 families didn't want them to get married so now he is marring me, I might be thinking negative but I feel he is marring me because his family wants him to, so I asked him but he messaged me back saying I´m happy if you are but he could be lying to me. I don't know what to do. I even feel like killing myself I only have two things on my mind all the time the guy I love and death.
I did do istikhara before I said yes there was no sign but it said Allah will guide me to the decision that´s right for my life, my religion and my end. Sometimes I feel this is best for me and I'm going to listen to Allah and accept this because Allah knows best but then my mind says to me what if Allah is still guiding me because if I didn't get engaged I wouldn´t tell him and he wouldn´t tell me.
u
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Salaam, my dear sister.
I am afraid I dont understand your post fully - what is the guy like is he good marriage material? The age difference is quite big - but most importantly what is he like in deen and character? Please my daer sister, do not think of death - your life is a gift from Allah and what you are suffering now is temporary. Death is a permanent thing.
I advise you to take some time out from this guy - if you are unsure do not rush into marriage with him - you have every right to ask him to wait some time. Do istakhaarah and try to get closer to Allah swt - do more salat, read Quran and trust in Allah -ask for His guidance because He alone knows whats in your heart and this guys heart and all of our hearts. Do not fear, do not worry - as long as you have Allah on your side you are a winner dear sister, and even if you dont as long as a person is alive - they have an opportunity to turn back to Allah and make amends. Please do not feel lost as God never closes a door without opening a window.
Busy yourself in other activities which keep your mind busy to stop thinkin about this guy. I pray that Allah swt takes away your pain and confusion. Feel free to write to here sister if you need any more advice. Also maybe provide more details so we can further help you..
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Salaams,
One of the most difficult questions we face, and the one we never have an answer to, is "what if...?" There are a lot of things that factor into your situation, but one of the most important things you should try to consider is the fact that the turmoil you are feeling is in part due to the fact that you had a friendship with someone of the opposite sex, which is not permitted in Islam. It is for reasons like these that such structures are in place for men and women when it comes to the areas of friendship and marriage. "What if" you had been staying within the parameters of the faith, and you had never grown attached to your friend, and not being able to marry him did not bother you?
You mentioned that even though you and your friend were very close, you never thought or considered marriage with one another. If you have feelings for each other, was there a reason that you did not look at each other in that light? If so, do those reasons have any impact on your current situation?
Another factor in your situation is the man you are marrying. What are your feelings toward him? Are you marrying out of genuine care for him, or due to familial pressures? The best advice for you is to consider the choice you are making for your own intentions, regardless of your feelings for your friend at this time. If you don't feel an inclination for your intended, maybe you should spend some more time seeking a husband and getting to know several different men before choosing the best one to be your spouse. This may mean opening the door to marrying the person you care for, or it may not.
One thing is for certain, if you are feeling so overwhelmed with feelings and guilt to the point of thinking about death as you are saying, something is out of balance. It may be that you are focusing more on who you love and will be with the rest of your life than the One Who will support you better than any man ever could. Relationships, and especially marriage, are supposed to enhance and promote our relationship with Allah. If a person or a situation is disrupting that, then you need to re-prioritize things so that Allah comes first again. Remember, once you marry, all the "bells and whistles" of love wane away and all you are left with is the foundation you have with your Lord...so make it the strongest that you can before you start down the path of marriage.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear U,
I will give you the same advice I would my own daughter. Because your heart is torn and you don't know what to do, tell your parents that you have had second thoughts and you do not want this marriage. Tell them there is no chemistry or whatever you need to. There is no point in you going into this marriage when your heart belongs to another. It is not fair to you nor this man who is looking for a wife to love and spend his life with. Do not let yourself be pressured into this marriage...not by your parents or anyone else. You may very well end up not marrying the other man you are in love with but in the end, you will not be marrying for all the wrong reasons.