His niece is ruining our marriage
I am a 23 year old Muslim girl. I have been married to a 33year old Muslim man for just 2 months. He was very nice to me on the first 2 days of marriage. I thought he is my prince charming. But Since then he has given me second hand treatment in the house. Always being with friends and coming home late in the night. Asking me to go and sit inside the room while he sits and chats with his family. I always seeked for his love and importance that I should get from him. He did take me out at times. And we did have some nice moments.
But mostly we were accompanied by his 10 year old niece everywhere. It was like she was our child. In between us always. This small girl is the daughter of his sister from her first marriage. Her second husband did not take up the responsibility of this kid so she is left here with my husbands mother. But my husband did not tell me that he had taken up her responsibility before marriage. I was unaware of this and got married to him. I repeatedly even asked him before marriage for which he answered saying no nothing is there. He lives in the united states and hasn't called me there yet. But he has done all the processing of that child to come and live with us without even informing me.
How can I take the responsibility of a 10 year old girl when I myself am so inexperienced and been married for just 2 months.. Out of which I stayed with my husband only for 18 days. Isn't this unfair to me? They even hid his age. We were told that he is only 28 years old. Its after marriage that I got to know he's 33. And his sister keeps putting allegations on me saying I'm rude to her and I ignore her and he believes her. He never trusts me when I tell him that's not the truth.
His sister keeps making me do all the work of her 3 kids for which I never utter a word. She keeps saying mean things to me which I never tell my husband thinking why should I trouble him he's far away. But she keeps calling him and telling lies about me and creates misunderstanding and fights between us..and in all these fights he never believes me. He just asks me to be nice to them..and tells me that he doesn't respect those who don't respect his family. Am I not his family? :'(
I'm so hurt by his behavior. Even this niece of his whose responsibility he has taken up is a brat. She never listens to anybody and does what she wants. She even speaks badly to me. And when I say it to my husband he doesn't believe. She even slaps my husband and ill-treats him whn she gets angry.. for which he responds by laughing and completely ignoring it.
When I told my husband I am not ready to take up such a responsibility.. He gets so angry. He says I'm pushing him away from me. He says he can leave anybody for that little girl. And is accusing me of dividing the family. He also told me that the soul purpose of him choosing me to be his wife was because I was sweet to that neice :'(
It's like my whole marriage is a lie and everything is controlled by that girl. He even told me doesn't want kids from me now. Just the thought of that girl living with me is killing me. And reminding me of all the hurtful words.. If she stays with us..it will surely ruin the marriage. Isn't this unfair to me? Please advise me.
Muslimah.sam
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Asalamu alaikum sister
First of all my heart goes out to you, this sounds like a tricky situation. The first few years of marriage can be tough, adjusting to each other, new home, lifestyle and another family.
However, how is it that your husband was able to get away with lying about his age to you? There's a big difference between 28 and 33. And on top of that, to guilt trip you into loving and caring for a child? He sounds like a manipulative and cunning man. I can understand that he feels responsible for the niece, my own brothers are father figures for my daughter (since her own dad went awol) but it is inhumane and totally unreasonable to not discuss this BEFORE marriage. To spring it on you after is not fair.
Being 'sweet' to the girl before the marriage does not define you taking responsibility for her.
It would also be unfair to the girl if you cannot provide her with a wholehearted home (which I understand) you are only 23. It sounds like your husband has had his fair share of living a full life before being tied down - something you should be doing now, in your first years of marriage, and something he is not providing for you.
I advise against going along with this, you will start to despise a young child, and this will ultimately strain your marriage further. Can you speak to someone in your own family about this? Can anyone approach him to explain your side of things? If not, you will have to have a firm but calm conversation expressing everything you feel (write your points down) calmly talk to him about how you're not ready to bring up a 10 year old child and how this should have been spoken about before your marriage. Throw the ball in his court, if he still pressurises you, tell him he will have to rethink his life with you.
Please be brave, if he is already manipulating, lying and hurting you in such a short time, what else is he capable of?
Pray to Allah, ask for guidance and be strong little sis, I hope it all works out InshaAllah
you can discuss that you want some alone time with him or his company so that he may understand you.
i am speechless but i dont know how that little girl will get love or no love from her own parents and her guardian parents you and your husband. if you dont want to take responsibility then let your husband do it alone. you are selfish so sorry to say you are thinking about yourself only.
all lil kids slap the elders its so normal you can train her but again you dont want to see her around as well. she is all alone. ALL ALONE
shame on you
Lorelei, I think your missing the point of the OP's distress. I agree that this 10 year old child should not be left parentless or alone. Her uncle is surely doing a noble thing. But this bride should have been told before the marriage that the neice was part of the picture. Islam gives women the right of choice. She's 23 years old...maybe she did not want to be a Stepmother to this child. Her feelings about the deception are entirely justified. I think what is more shameful is the fact that her own mother refuses to care for her.
She isnt selfish. She is right to feel this way towards the child. Its not a easy situation to be thrown into. She hasnt even adjusted herself in to her married life and you expect her to immerse herself in the kids life too.
If he had taken responsibility of the child it was important for him to inform her prior to the marriage so atleast she had time to think about it.
'all lil kids slap the elders its so normal'
Really? I'm a teacher, and I have never known a 10 year old to slap family members. So unless the child has an underlying behavioural or psychological problem, no it's not normal to slap anybody in the face as a joke.
And as others have pointed out, you have evidently not read the problem at hand properly. She is not selfish.
she is selfish and cruel. i have been a teacher as well! is she your relative?
What does that question have to do with anything? Your perspective on delicate issues is a disgrace. We are here to provide polite advice, not to name call.
my question has to do very much with your unnecessary kindness towards her . you dont know what really happens at home. clap never comes from one hand so be neutral.
if you read my answer with open eyes then you will see that my first sentence was in her favor and second paragraph was in child's favor.
i am a very neutral person but sometimes situations are not like where you have to do favor for both sides for example murder. general thought*
your perspective is not disgrace coz i know teachers can be wrong and in my student life i used to correct my teacher's mistakes to which they showed their dislikeness for me coz it made them feel humiliated i am talking about paki teachers and not foreigners they are far more humble and far more wanting to understand others perspective. thanks the debate is over from my side
'all lil kids slap the elders its so normal' So sad... Your moral standard is extremely low.
NO little kids slap adults. My 2 year old knows NOT to be physical, specially with his father. What kind of feral children have you been interacting with?
What you should do is read allah swt name ya wadudu 100x and blow on sweet dish he will fall aromatically in love with you in sha allah
What.......
It's your choice here, if you think you can maintain this marriage and do good for your afterlife then forgive and overlook and stay. In order for this to occur you must feel that you're in a position to give and can give without issue and you don't need much in return.
If you feel you've been lied to and that you aren't getting out of this marriage what you need then you will become someone that needs psychological help. Your needs will not be met and this marriage will not be productive for your afterlife. In that case I would recommend that you leave this marriage now before bringing a child of your own into it when you can't really stay in it. Salam.
Salam,
I think you should ask yourself honestly, do you even WANT to be in this marriage. Let's say you do manage to get his niece away from him, (personally I dont see that happening, from what you wrote, he feels quite strongly about having her in his life for some weird reason) do you see yourself still married to him HAPPILY in a few years with the type of person he is? You are ONLY 23 years old, inshallah, you have more years ahead of you. You do not need to be married to someone who will make you unhappy for the rest of your life - we are talking about the REST OF YOUR LIFE HERE. Think of where you are now, can you imagine being in this situation for another few years? Also, sister, being in that type of environment will eat away at you, will make you unhappy, will stress you out as you are experiencing now. Allah does NOT want you to be unhappy. From what I read on here, sometimes culture can play a huge part when making decisions and the person just ends up miserable because they are more concern with what people would say/think - who cares what people think/say? It's your life, you can do what ever you want with it within the limits Allah has set.
OP: He lives in the united states and hasn't called me there yet. But he has done all the processing of that child to come and live with us without even informing me.
What processing has he done? There is no US law that allows people to bring their nephew/nieces in US? He could have done some thing fraudulent. Is he a US citizen?.
OP: He lives in the united states and hasn't called me there yet?
Do you even know if he is US citizen or what kind of Visa he has?
Sister,
I think it is wonderful that your husband is acting as a "father figure" for this child even though the child is his niece. The reality of your situation is, your husband has lied and has been deceitful to you. You had every right to know what you were getting yourself into and by your husband not being truthful, he deprived you of that. Why isn't your husbands sister taking care of her own child? Why is it that you are expected to be a mother to her?
Have you sat down with your parents and discussed what is going on? If not, I think you should. The foundation for a good marriage is built on honesty and trust. How do you do that when your husband has gone into the marriage with plans of his own? As if your thoughts and feelings didn't matter in any of this?! I can't think of any 23 year old woman who wants to get married and have an instant family!
Stop feeling guilty. You are guilty of nothing. This man has lied to you and continues to lie to you. It's one thing if he was honest and open with you from the get go. The reality is, he knew if he told you of his plans you would not have married him. That is the truth. You don't just marry someone and say, "by the way honey...we are going to raise my ten year old niece and she is going to live with us!" That is a huge responsibility to place on anyone and you should have been consulted period. Thinking of yourself in all of this is no more selfish than what your husband has done to you. You do what you need to do and if that means going to your family...so be it.
Salam
May Allah Bless you sister.
Its really painful that the people are engaged in unnecessary arguments when a sister is sharing her pain hoping some sort of consolation. She might feel sorry for posting her sorrow here. Sorry sister if anything would have hurt you. I am a student of islamic knowledge, not to introduce myself but to ensure you have some authenticity on whatever little I know and advise.
First of all its wrong to not informing you all these prior to marriage. And Infact you are into most sad moments of life. As someone said, it takes time to adjust to new home, environment etc also it may be our over expectations that could cause immediate depression in marriage life. However there is no problem without solution for a muslim. Take some time and stop judging people first. Be positive and hope in the mercy of Allah. Also have this quranic remedy.. recite "Asthaghfirullah al alheem" اَسْتَغْفِرُ اَللّهَ الْعَظِیْمَ whenever get free time. Insha Allah, everything will be fine soon. Also dont be harsh against that girl you spoke. I think she might make your way to your husband. After all, I think you would have loved to take her responsibility even before he compels if everything would have been fine and everyone would have loved you. Lets not that kid feel pain on that. She might be rude but she will come to your way if you wish to mould her. Speak positive of everyone at house to your husband. If you are overburdened in work, tell them you are tired.
Establish salah in life. Take your time to talk to Allah in Sajada. Speak to him and he will listen you. Be a pious wife. Whenever you get best time with him, express your wishes to him. Tell about you being good but by the act of shaytaan, people are misunderstanding me. I am sure, Allah will remove the shaytaanic thoughts from their minds once you turn pious. Dont keep worrying your bride mind by thinking all such things. REMEMBER ONE THING SISTER, THE CONTROL OF EVERYONES MIND AND HEART IS IN THE HANDS OF ALLAH. Turn to him. He decides you to have kids or not. Not your husband or you who decides such things.
May Allah bless you sister. Pray for us. If you require any further consolation, feel free to write in this portal.
My advice to you is to break the marriage right away if the niece is going to be part of your marriage.
I have been through with someone in my marriage and giving you advice from my personal experience, it doesn't work with anyone is staying with you. Also get everything in writing. I had my adult sister in law with me and she ruined my marriage and still interferes. My husband too lied. So you are young , please break it but do not take it. Also a man has no right to marry someone by lying on such an important matter. Totally unfair to you.
Iam also in same situation..my husband’s sister have a daughter of age15 from her previous marriage..my husband never told that he is responsible for both of them..and now he spends more of his time and his earnings on his niece..he does’nt even care coming home and spending some time with his 2year old son..whatever time he gets after coming from work he spends talking and chatting with his niece and does’nt care about his own wife and son..he is saving each and every penny of his earnings on his niece and keeps everything related to his savings secret from me..