I want to save my marriage but my husband is not cooperating as he is having an affair
Salaam,
I got married few months ago. My family lives abroad. I went to visit my mum abroad came back there was a womans item in the house not mines. I asked my husband he said his sons mum came here for a few hours. He has never been married to her but knows her for a few year.
My husband and I met online and got married in a few months. his parents and family were not at the wedding. He told me he was not getting on with them.
After my finding, he started to change saying he did not love me. He started being very selfish, asking me to pay for things, picking up fights. He even said the word talaq. Then he packed my stuff and threw me out of his house for me to find a room.
This other woman does not know he is married to me, I got her contact details but he won't let me contact her.
I still want to save this marriage as its not a joke. But few days back I said to him you want a divorce can you go to the mosque and write it down on paper with witnesses so I can move on? He tells me he doesn't have time.
When I ask him I want to go back to my family, can you book a ticket; he tells me he will but doesn't do it. I am really upset and think he threw me out of the house because she was ringing him and wanted to visit but couldn't because I was there. She got his son so he threw me out. What shall I do?
P.S; I married him because he prays and read the koran daily. He looked like a good God-fearing man. He even would wake me up to pray in the morning. I believe if we stay together this marriage will bring us both towards Allah.
Muslimaa
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Sister Muslimaa,
I feel very sad for what you are having to face. Indeed, this is something very difficult to get over.
You said he has a son from this lady. And you also said that he never married her. Do you mean that the child was born out of wedlock and was a result of Zina? May Allah save us all.
The lady should know that he's now married to you. But if you do it yourself, your husband could harm you.
So, the best thing you can do is to involve your parents in this. They maybe able to help you out.
You could even ask him to marry this lady, as Islam allows a man to marry more than one woman. This would give you your right, and his meeting of that lady would not be a Haraam meeting.
I pray that Allah Helps you in this, Aameen
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Astaghfirullah he fornicated brothers he is no longer halal for her.
I am sure by now you realize that we should never trust people base on Internet.
Anyways what have done done can't not reverse the Clock and start again. Firstly he lied to you I guess I am sure before married he didn't said about his son did he? I do not think so otherwise you would have stop and if your answer is yes then it shouldn't bother to you now because you know it from the beginning. We Do not know which one is right as you didn't write it clearly.
It's husband duty to fulfill his family not the wife you should not or if your husband dosnt earn like can't take care of you then I think you can share but still it's his responsibility.
You said he threw you? Then I don't think you should be with him if a man can do like this he can do it after 5 or in 10 years he won't become that good easily I think.
As brother waseem said involve your parents asap, you need it. As far about that women they should get married otherwise it's haram but as you said he ask you to pay thing that means he can not afford enough. I also don't think if he get married to that women you can Tolerate so it will be good for you to move forward.
Exactly !! In the past few days, there are lots of complains about virtual partner and many of them even want to get married to them. They do not realise the big risk involved. Its disaster !! We normally advice against it. They should realise that Love is good, but love can be blind. What has this world come up to ? *facepalm*
Salaaam sister Muslimaa !!
You are only few months married. So you're amateur. By being amateur, you have two choices to make, divorce him or try to make this marriage work. But since you married him without his parents involved, it means this marriage is void of blessing from his side and you are paying the price. You shouldn't have trusted him but its never to late. You are new to this marriage.
You said-
By this behaviour, My advice is, for you to go seperate ways. Leave him. He threw you out. I mean who throw their wife out ? You also said he pray 5 times, read Qur'an etc. He's certainly not acting upon it and he is just sinning. Only Allah knows if he is sincere or not.
How exactly did he mention that word ' Talaaq ' ? If its directed towards you, then you are divorced. To me its good news.
This marriage may not seems as a joke for you but to him, its a joke. He have another woman in his life, he's got a kid with her. So most probably he wouldn't think much about you. He might just use you.
Sister there are 1000+ men who are also devouted, pious, great muslim. So if you leave him, Insha'Allah Allah will guide you and give you a perfect one. But incase you leave him, I would also advice you to stop talking or chating with non mahram. Because of this haram relationship you had prior to marriage, your marriage life is not blessed. If you are planing to re marry, do it the halal way. Do not find partners online. Let your parents evaluate potential partners etc. To be on the safe side, before leaving him, perform salat al istikhara !! Do tawbah and pray to ALlah more and more.
Sister forgot to say something, do not wait for him to book a ticket. I don't know how old are you but seems like you did travel alone so I think you should buy ticket by yourself and if you don't have money to buy then tell your parents. Do not ruin your life sister.
Salaams,
I agree with what one of the posters brought up above. I have to say, if he gave you one talaq, and it was over three months ago and he did not take you back in marriage within a 3 month timeframe of saying it, then you are now divorced and the only option would be to marry him again.
One thing I want to tell you is that one person cannot save a marriage. It takes both the husband and wife, both equally invested in a good outcome, to save the marriage. Even if you are 100% committed to having everything work out, if he is not committed to the same it will NOT work out. You can't make him want what you want, and based on what you have detailed he has no interest in trying to salvage anything with you.
This is the question you should be asking yourself now: why do you want to be in a marriage with someone who is not committed to you and the relationship, and because of that will treat you in low ways? You don't deserve to have the kind of treatment he's been putting you through, and behaviors like that don't magically change with time. You say you want to stay in the marriage because it will bring you and he both closer to Allah, but based on what you've described there's no evidence to back that up at all.
I suggest, like others have above, that you go ahead and return to your family and work on rebuilding your life without him. What you've experienced can't be described as loving, respectful, or healthy...and there are men out there who can provide those things in a relationship. I don't think this man is one of them, and you deserve no less.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I'm sorry, but this man sounds worthless to me. There are people who pray and fast, but it's an empty ritual, and they are corrupt inside. This man sounds like one of them.
You say you want to save the marriage. But a marriage takes two people. If there is no love or respect from his end, there can be no marriage.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam brothers and sisters,
Thank you for your reply.
Just to clarify, He did tell me before marriage he had a son with this woman out of wedlock.But he told me he later started to read koran and namaaz.He also told me there was nothing going on anymore with this woman and him.He told me he was only seeing his son and wanted to be married and lead a happy life.He said talaq but within three moths he slept with me in the same bed kissed with desire.(my family was coming and we ad to pretend to be sill together as I need time to figure out what I want to do, so I was at his place)
His family does not know he married me his kids with his first wife (divorced now) dont know.
Its all a big secret..only his first wife knows she told him not to tell the kids cause it would upset them
Ps we got married without touchin eachother or having a boyfiend gf relationship.We talked on the phone and got married in three months.We did not kiss or any other form of touching.
One more thing by saying this relationship brought me closer to Allah I mean.I used to pray but after work.And when I got married he used to wake me up in the morning to read namaaz.After namaaz I saw him reading koran.He waking me up and reading namaaz together made me so happy.
So are you happy now ??
Salaams,
Sister, it sounds like you're defending him. You are asking for our advice, and we are giving you that, without any of the same emotional attachments or complications that might be hindering you from seeing how worthless this relationship has become. You are fixated on memories of how it began, but that is not where you are now.
The fact that you are a secret to everyone doesn't really make him look any better. I don't think anyone would advise you any differently based on the new things you're adding, in fact to me it only serves to reinforce what myself and others have already told you.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Don't be naive sister a person can pray ,fast but it does he/she is a good Muslim or a nice person.
1.I think the the biggest mistake you made was that you married a zinayan. (Which means that this man was haram for you in the first place.)
2. he broke your trust
if someone says they won't do something they should stick to their word.
3. You need to re-evaluate your life think about whether you want this man in your life or not
you mentioned that he kicked you isn't that a clear sign that he does not want you
do you really want to raise your kid with such a man?
Sister you are being very emotional don't be. This emotion been used he used it wrong way.
I apology because I may sound rude now but it needs to be clear for us here who giving you advice it's Ramadan we donor want to give or understand wrong way.
Firstly you said "He has never been married to her but knows her for a few year."
and then later in your comment you said
"his kids with his first wife (divorced now) dont know.
Confused!!!!!
Anyways then you said "His family does not know he married me his kids with his first wife (divorced now) dont know.
Its all a big secret..only his first wife knows she told him not to tell the kids cause it would upset them"
Still you think he is good Muslim? Sister just because he pray read quaran dosent prove he is good muslim. Good Muslim describe as his iman. And his iman is not in right track.
It's still new do not ruin your life trusting this man. Do not put cloth in your parents eye to show you are happy. I request you to take that blind from your eyes for Allah's sake.
The problem you have here is that you easily trusted a stranger. Pfff. You met each other online and you put full faith in him. And now you got your result. People online LIE ALOT. How come you accepted him even though he committed ZINA and have a zina child ? Just because he told he is not in contact with this woman nd he reads quran doesn't make him a committed pious husband. Even though there weren't any physical intimacy before marriage but talking to non mahram is a sin enough. I believe he fooled you, tricked you etc etc. Dont be in a marriage in which either partner cannot be trusted and lots of secrets involved.
Let me remind you once again sister, he THREW you out of his home. Period. LEAVE HIM.
Pray salat al istikhara.
This man ain't good for you leave him yes I know it's not good to divorce but you can clearly see all the bad things he is doing do u really want to be with that forever?
Get out before its to late
Salaam brothers and sisters,
Thank you for your advice I will read it few times,because I am still filled with emotions and can not think
clearly.
I think I sill can not believe it what has happened.
Ps first he was married with a muslim woman got three kids then he left her for this oter woman he never got married to.He knows her for eight years got a son with her then he married me.I know I should never trusted all this.Maybe I am too kind? I always we all make mistakes and can change and the fact him reading koran namaaz made me think he changed.
The more you reply, the more your husband's history are revealed. But this history ain't a good one.
So he's already married once before and have 3 kids. Then he divorce dat woman and committed fornication and got another kid. I'm betting, he'll make you pregnant, get few children wid u and then divorce you and move on to next woman. This looks the most likely scenario to me. 😕
If he is " religious " as you've said, then he wont treat his wife like how he treated you; throwing you out, bringing woman at home when you are outside etc etc.
Leave your emotions aside. Think about ur future kids, would you want this sort of man to father them ? And if he divorces you after you have kids, then they wont have father etc.
That child he got out of wedlock, actually he have no rights over that child. Mother is the sole providor. He is using the child as an excuse just to have an affair with that woman. He lied to you.
My posts may seem to have lots of negative stuffs you may think. But you didn't give any good qualities about ur husband. It keeps on gettin worst. Many people pray, read quran and doesn't act upon it one bit. Your husband is an example.
Thanks brother,
I reply to get better advice.
It is opening my eyes.Before marriage he wanted to have kids later in the marriage he said he already had too many.So he denies me having the right of having kids.
I am trying to get stronger to leave all this behind me.
Its great to reply. Because many users do not reply at all.
He is denying your rights to have kids. This is worst. I mean when you'll grow old, he'll have kids to maybe takecare of him and you'll have nothing. Kids are gift from Allah and normally we all want this beautiful gifts. No one can deny our rights to yearn for kids.
Its also masha'Allah to hear that you're trying to move ahead. May Allah guide you, show mercy on you and help you in your decisions. Make good use of this ramadan.
Sister,
Get out of this marriage. You might be emotional, but try,...no, don't try, just get past it.
Nothing about what you have said helps his case, especially your explanations. You do not want to be with this man in like 5 years wondering why you didn't listen to the advice from people on this website. People make mistakes, you trusted someone without investigating enough and he betrayed that trust. You can fix this by moving on with your life.
Not to pass judgement, but I wonder if you have a father that is not very supportive? If you did, I think you would recognize the problems right away--sometimes when we do not have good examples in our lives, we are unable to see the abusive relationships we enter into.
You will do yourself a huge favor by moving on. Do not have a child with him and do not look back at all. If you are looking for permission--We have all given it to you.
Thanks Sadaf,
My father is a great person and husband to my mum.
Ill try to pick up your advice
Dear muslimaa, I think your husband has a personality disorder,and he will always want what he doesn't have,then when he gets it,doesn't want it anymore,sounds like u were just his latest innocent victim ,better that you found out now instead of few children and years later.
Hi Ray, it takes a certain level of emotional maturity even spiritual one to get to the place where one can forgive betrayal. I'm happy for you. And you're so right "it requires work and commitment".