Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m Scared to RE-MARRY after a disaster marriage!!

Aslaam Alaikum Brothers and Sisters

I have come to seek help from my brothers and sisters in regards to getting married again. I write this with great difficulty and Wallahi I have been through very tough exams within my last marriage and tears flow as I write this email as it brings nothing but hurt. I had no choice but to divorce my ex wife over 2 years ago after a very complicated marriage that lasted 5 years and Alhumdolillah was blessed with 2 boys who are aged 4 and 5. I would say that everyone who knows my story agree that I was blameless and I did everything to make it work but Allah swt is the best of planners and there was a hikmah in all this.

I am now 36 years old and My parents would like me to Marry again but Wallahi I am so scared after everything my ex wife put me through. My marriage was broken and I was fighting 11 months in the british courts for my 2 little boys and spent nearly £10k and losing my house in the process but Alhumdolillah am now seeing my kids through a court order every weekend.

Alhumdolillah I am now self employed doing what I love in my business. I've been told by many that I don't look my age and am good looking and many people who know me always tell me that whomever I marry this time around will be very lucky but as I sit and think and ask the question "Who will marry a divorced guy with 2 kids" the reality then hits me and I completely lose hope and the fear element kicks in to my system. I am not against marrying again but Wallahi am so scared like I've never been so scared in my life and my parents and family and friends quote so many hadiths regarding marrying again but I cannot find someone who has TAQWAH for Allah swt with marriage and hear so many stories of break ups.

I really don't know what to do and need guidance and help really fast. Loneliness does get the better of me at times but don't want to feel that i'm being rushed into making a decision i might regret. I don't want to marry  just anyone as Alhumdolillah I am a practicing guy and don't interact with other females to seek the displeasure of Allah swt.  I am just looking for someone simple with/without kids who has been through divorce and has Imaan and Taqwah for Allah swt in this short and temporary dunya and I am not really after looks or wealth or education etc, AM I REALLY ASKING FOR TOO MUCH? In return she will will receive true companionship and love until my time is up in this world.

The biggest problem I have is although friends / family tell me to get married, nobody wants to introduce a potential woman in case of any future disaster blame game if you know what i mean and my parents cannot seem to find a religious potential for me and I did join a matrimonial site not long ago but after meeting a potential, she asked me to let go of my kids and that was something I could not do which was hurtful but I knew I had to walk away and so I did.

Wallahi all i know is the fear in my heart for marriage is slowly taking over my mind and body. What shall I do now? Where shall I go? Whats my next move? I have so much in my heart to give and I have listened to many beautiful ways to treat your wives on youtube videos and also via reading literature but still my heart has fear but all I ask for is a potential with the Taqwah for Allah swt as this life is not permanent. Yes i'm admitting to being in a low mood and my inner confidence is very low but I know this is another test for me and I pray to Allah swt for sincere help and guidance with tears wallahi and to you brothers and sisters for sincere help so please don't turn me away after reading this article. I will pray for all my brothers and sisters who go through hardship that Allah swt make it easy for everyone. Ameen

Please please advise me on what I should do as my heart is not content. Jazakallah Khairun


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12 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualykum dear brother. Firstly am I sorry to hear about your situation and can relate to your hurt, as I am in precisely the same situation. I would advise that it is time to move on and one cannot re enter a new marriage based on the past.Take it as a new adventure. In life we cannot guarantee anything and bearing in mind that everything is temporary. Why not take the try and see what happens from there. Also if you do meet someone, they must accept you with your kids. Trust me a marriage based on lies does not last. I am in exactly the same situation and it's a pity you are far away, or I would of asked for your hand. May Allah swt assist you in finding a compatible spouse that will take you to Jannah. Aameen.

    • Ha
      Jzk sister Fatima
      I am in absolute tears that such beautiful people with caring attitudes exist on this site subhanallah.
      I would love to move on as it's over 2 years now and finding sincerity in a sister is what scares me the most.
      May Allah swt ease your pain and worries and may he find you a pious husband. I read allsorts on this site and tears flow from my eyes for the people who are going through hardship.
      I pray Allah swt keeps all calamities away and ease everyone's situation.
      May Allah swt bless the creator of this website and the ones who take time to make it easy for people like me and others

  2. You need grief councling
    You are in so much pain

    You have been bitten by a snake
    And jump every time you see a rope

    Don't marry for now, cause you ARE not ready my brother

    Do not marry
    You are broken on the inside and
    Will only bring the problems from
    Your first marriage to your second one

    Do you wish to marry because you want to or cause of peer pressure?

    Even should you not marry, I would highly recommend councling

    You are clearly tormented by your past
    And need closure and therapy

    There's nothing wrong with getting help from councelers or psychologists.

    If you had heart issues you would see a cardiologist

    If you had tooth problems
    You would see a dentist

    Your mind and peace are messed up and fried
    So you need intensive therapy to help you get past your open wounds

    Do it for your boys.
    If they see your actions
    They will copy you and have unforfilling
    Kids copy what they see.
    You want your kids to be healthy and happy

    Going through court systems and being away from a mother's love must be very difficult for their growth
    Do it for them.


    Good luck Salamalekum

    • Salaam sister
      I have had numerous councilling and alhumdolillah it has helped to an extent as I feel ready to move on but the fear doesn't go away especially after the hurt of I've been through.
      I would really like to know where I can find sincere sisters who really want to get married and have takwah but problem is where do you find them?
      Jzk for your kind words

  3. Assalamu alaykum warahmatullāh,

    My condolences go out to you for the hardship you have endured my dear Brother.

    Always remember, this Dunya truly is a prison for the believer and Allāh always tests those whom He loves. This Dunya is a temporary place and happiness awaits FOREVER in the Hereafter for those who are patient. Insha Allāh. Never forget this!

    My Brother, your main concern seems to be that you have a fear of re-marrying again due to past experiences. Please remember there are bad women but there are also many good women. Shaytaan is now trying his utmost best to instil negative thoughts in your head, but don't let him win! Have good thoughts of Allāh and think positive. Allāh will NEVER let you down and He has promised that after hardship, ease will most surely come. Have faith in Him.

    I advise you to increase your acts of worship during this difficult time and wallahi, you will see ease. Wake up in the middle of the night for Tahajjud and pour your heart out to Allāh. The du'a made at this time is most surely accepted Bi'ithnillāh. Make du'a to Allāh to grant you a good spouse. Increase your Charity and most importantly, make sure you are around other good, practising brothers like yourself. When we are alone that's when Shaytaan comes to us the most! Let your local Imams help you find someone suited to you insha Allah if Family are not helping that much. Be hopeful, my Brother. I'm sure there are many great things waiting for you as I can tell you have a sincere heart.

    All the best and please never lose hope in Allāh, don't let Shaytan win this. This is all a test from Allāh, never doubt His Power or His Wisdom.

    From your Sister in Islam.

    • Salaam my sister in Islam
      Jzk for you and everyone who has taken time to help ease my worries.
      I pray Allah swt give you all success in this dunya and akhirah.
      I'm doing all I can sister to do all the right things from prayers to even volunteering more duties in masjid as I also volunteer in doing work at my masjid.
      It's difficult to know where I can start my search for a pious sister.
      My family can't find anyone pious, my imams in masjid are too concerned about their salaries and lungar (food)
      I know as harsh as it sounds but it's true so ideally I'd like to start searching somewhere but would any pious brothers or sisters recommend advice on where I can look on websites or if anyone can recommend potentials?
      I know this site isn't a site where you meet people but this is also reward where people can surely help one another in my sort of situation.
      Jzk for your kind hearted words.

  4. Assalaamualykum brother. Jazakallah for your response and Aameen to all duahs made by you for me. May Allah accept. There is marriage website, that you could perhaps try. Good luck and may Allah swt, assist you in finding your other half that will accept you and be sincere,honest,trustworthy,caring, loving, with good character and deeni inclined towards you. Aameen.

    • Jzk sister Fatima
      I sincerely pray you find happiness yourself. Also Jzk for the hand in marriage request. The best Ines always seem far away and I pray a pious husband comes your way

      • Aameen brother. May Allah accept. What I desire is exactly the same which you desire. The fear you have is the same which I have, however my time alone is already 4 years. And one can't seem to find the honest, sincere, deeni inclined, good charactered ones. May the Almighty bless us with the best in this world and in the hereafter. Aameen.

        • 4 years sister Fatima is a long time, may Allah swt give you sabr and may he make it easy for you.
          I can't find someone deeni also and hence why I saw this site and thought let me get advice and a starting point. As I said before why are the best ones so far away?
          Allah swt make it easy for all of us

          • Aslkm.Aameen. Yes. SA is distance. Nevertherless good luck and may your life be happy ahead. Aameen.

  5. assalam alaikum
    brother i know what are suffering from but you have two kids and they need infinite love and they needed isalmic i think u are from uk i heard many cases like that specially the paksitani community there in uk they are into the problems like that and i have witnessed many girls in uk mostly paksitani those who are grown up in a islamic way but in a western way they adopted western way of life
    and they got their situations worsed.i do not wanted to say what im about to say but with alas i heard a story of couple who hailed from pakistan and settle in uk more then 12 years then suddenly that person's wife becomes christian and tells her husband that she is not a muslim any more and wants her childern to be christian and then he came to pakistan he asks hel from scholar in paksitan and he said that you should pray for her that may allah gave her hadayat which was taken away from i recommanded that you should take your childerns back to pakistan if you are pakistani or back to your country where muslims lived because you know there is enviroment effects on every one else in europe and united states or any non muslim state
    so if you want your safety and your childerns to be raised as good muslims then you should marry a religious women who can also take responsibility of taking care of children and after that you took three of them to your home state well that up to you.
    may allah helps you and may allah solves all of your problems.

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